You meet a guy.
He’s different from the others. It’s not just that you’re incredibly attracted to him. He also seems so much more right for you than the men you’re used to meeting.
He makes you feel at ease. You laugh a lot. His mind turns you on as much as his looks. On top of all that, he’s a gentleman and seems kind as well as confident.
You feel already that this man is going to be important to you. And you even allow yourself to think you might already be feeling something close to love.
Which would all be fine…except it’s only been three dates.
I hear this kind of scenario a lot, particularly from women who tell me this kind of story, only to be later stunned at some revelation that this guy didn’t turn out to be the dream man they so quickly assumed he was.
Yet they were so sure.
How could they have ever seen it coming?
They couldn’t.
And that’s the whole problem.
I’m not here to be the arch-cynic who looks down on the idea that two people can know instantly that they have a deep and special connection, even after only one date. You hear those stories all the time, “I just knew she was the one”. Except, here’s the problem: those stories come from those for whom that was 100% true.
But what about all those people who had the same hunch about a guy who turned out to secretly have a wife and kids? Or that man who suddenly disappeared one day without so much as a text to say goodbye?
There is a kind of survivorship bias at play in married couples: those for whom it worked are always going to tell you the story of just following your heart wherever it leads and going with your first instinct.
But real love doesn’t work like that.
Real love isn’t built on a hunch. It grows from an initial foundation of connection. It comes from two people who have taken the time and effort to build mutual respect and show caring behaviour towards one another.
Yet there are still those who protest that they are “just the passionate type”, that is, the romantic type who fall in love on a whim and get addicted to the pattern of whirlwind romances.
While that sounds like fun, the truth is that those who fall quickly too often fall for the complete wrong people (which is plain to everyone but themselves), usually because of one of a few reasons:
They haven’t learnt how to be alone
When you haven’t learnt how to be self-fulfilled, falling in love becomes just another distraction from your own life.
It becomes a way of papering over cracks, or as an excuse not to work on bigger issues because you get lost in the drama of a new romance (even if it’s one that’s ultimately bad for you).
Sometimes falling in love just becomes a way to alleviate boredom because you’re frustrated with your career. Or it distracts from the fact that you don’t have friends and a social life that brings you joy on a regular basis.
They are insecure about whether they are loveable
When you’re needy for the validation that love offers, it can be because your ego constantly needs to be told it’s loveable, which makes you keep pursuing it as a way to give yourself the feeling of being wanted.
This is why on our retreat programme, Matt spends such a long time diving into the problem of self-worth. We can repeat the same bad patterns in love over and over again simply because we have internal beliefs that need to be fed by diving into relationships too quickly (or that cause us to avoid relationships altogether for fear of getting hurt!).
They are coming from a “scarcity mindset”
We tend to convince ourselves our feelings for someone are stronger than they are when we worry that we just won’t find anyone else again.
This is a “scarcity” mindset, and it typically happens with people who have little experience in relationships, who will become infatuated with anyone that shows them enough attention and affection, without taking a realistic view of whether or not the person is truly compatible with them.
3 Quick Steps To Conquering Addiction To Falling In Love
Though there is no instant medicine or special words that will fix this, the best way to prevent the over-romanticizing is a three step mental process.
Step 1 – Seek out your own sources of happiness
The more you find ways to be fulfilled in your own life, the less you’ll feel the need to dive into relationships in order to experience joy and happiness, or connection, or fun on a regular basis.
Yes, it’s true, there are some needs that only relationships can fulfill, such as romantic emotional attachment and intimacy.
But at least if you work on fulfilling the other areas of your life, you won’t be seeking out relationships for bad reasons, such as to assuage boredom, or to live through someone else, or to cover for a social life that you don’t already have.
Step 2 – Recognize that your emotions (and time) are precious
Falling in love is one thing. But heartbreak is extremely costly in terms of time and emotion. Not only can it leave you spending previous months grieving for someone who was always wrong to begin with, but it can lead to you wasting time that could have been much better spent on the person who is truly right for you.
The more you value your time, the less you’ll be inclined to give it up so easily before you’ve had time to really see if someone is a good fit for a relationship with you.
Protect your energy. It’s the most important resource you have and you never want to waste it on frivolous relationships that will take months to heal from.
Step 3 – Keep a positive, but sober view of the person in front of you
Look, I don’t want to be the cynic who comes along and tells you to be withdrawn and skeptical every time you meet a guy who seems great.
But here’s the thing: you can still be positive, vulnerable and open, whilst also reserving judgment on someone until you know more about them. Think of this as a kind of “mature vulnerability”. You are giving and open, but you’re also self-respecting enough to only invest in a new guy to the extent that he also shows investment back in you.
This also comes down to knowing what you want, and being willing to walk away if he has habits that make him wrong for you in the long-run e.g. he’s way too career-obsessed, he doesn’t care about having a family, he has no standards for his health and well-being.
Each time you take a step forward, you see if he comes alongside with you. Call this the “Invest, then test”. You invest a bit, then see what you get back. Then invest again, then test again. And repeat so that you know you’re entering a relationship that is a two-way street, with both sides giving as much as one another.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
To some people, I imagine this will read as though I’m the cynical love-killing fairy, going around telling people to hold back their feelings and not let themselves go to the spontaneous joy and pleasure of love.
But really, I think this view is more romantic. It treats real love as something that should be developed and based in reality, rather than on a fantasy about someone that may or may not turn out to be true later down the line.
It’s possible to cherish the feeling of falling in love without needing to artificially manufacture it for every person that looks potentially promising.
In other words, don’t mistake a guy with potential with a guy you’re destined to be with. Give him more chances to prove that first.
You can still let someone into your heart, just make sure there are a few barriers to entry.
*****************************************
Maybe you’ve lived with a story of heartbreak for longer than you care to admit.
That’s ok, but now it’s time to re-write your story.
Hopefully by now you can see why it’s so crucial we get a handle on confidence once-and-for-all. So that we can develop an UNSHAKEABLE sense of self-worth and so we aren’t tempted to fall for the wrong people just because of an addiction to romance.
If you want to start this process, you need to begin changing the emotions you experience every single day. You need a method for tapping into those deep reserves of strength and inspiration you have to that you feel empowered to claim what you deserve. You need to actually build your core confidence so that no challenge, no rejection, no disappointment will make you bend on your deepest standards for your life.
Your life is short, and you have so much to give. Don’t let it go to waste by falling into those same ugly mental traps over and over again…
If you’re ready to get serious and do this now, come and join our next live virtual retreat at MHVirtualRetreat.com
This is the best way to finish this crazy year of 2021 stronger than ever, feeling ready to play at your best, and you can transform your self-esteem in 3 days with us so that you never settle for less than your worth again. Remember: without a way to tap into core confidence, no amount of techniques and tips will change your relationships.
Can’t wait to see you there – I hope you’re ready to finally discover your inner worth and live at the highest level.
It’s time to get out of the rut! ;)
Stephen
Join us on our virtual retreat on March 18th-20th! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships…
(HOLIDAY SPECIAL OFFER – book your spot in December and get a $100 discount off the full price + 3 special bonuses! Claim your ticket here)
great post as usual
S,
I am supposed to report on my progress from your article next week but I am just going to provide it in advance. I’ll probably be doing great with my goals and stuff.
Any way, why not couple weekly articles with weekly periscope for readers who want to know more. Additional challenge there for you, in addition to writing.
Ta ta,
S
You are not a “cynical, love-killing fairy.” Lol. I completely agree that ppl lose themselves too quickly in partners they don’t even know. Your approach is practical and smart.
When I read this, I kept thinking of the book, “the secret lives of wives.” It’s about maintaining a separateness even in marriage to maintain your identity and the hobbies or characteristics that make you cool and unique – to feed yourself. Going into a relationship in the way you described, I feel like it would be easier to transition to be a more self-reliant, balanced person, even in the relationship. This is a great way to start. I think both “society” and the traditionally held “value” of a woman make women rush in head first into relationships to fulfill their “role” as wife and mother. Without these labels, women feel inadequate so they are in such a hurry to get there. A friend posted a great response today to the judgemental question: “Why are you still single?” “I’m overqualified.” ;)
Each time you take a step forward, you see if he comes alongside with you. Call this the “Invest, then test”. You invest a bit, then see what you get back.
Such an important aspect of starting a relationship.
Why don’t you say in your book that men will naturally pull away and also that if they have something big going on in their lives they can’t spend as much time on you but you should just accept this and do your own thing as trying to chase them in this phase will make you look needy.Tho the book talks about being high value and only investing when he does I don’t think it deals with what happens when he invests loads and sucks you in then starts pulling away.
I have a huge problem, The man I have been dating for 3 years now will never allow me to use the whole “invest and test” technique bcuz he either has one of those bad attitudes that somebody owes him something” or he has “trust issues” of his own but that really wouldnt make any sense to me given the fact that when we first started dating each other I poured my heart out to this guy and told him my fears, expectations and my standards, and most of all what I expected if I were to take a chance on dating him bcuz when he met me I was already so damaged from prev relationships that I had my mind pretty much set on being single the rest of my life and had given up on finding a soulmate but here we are 3 years later and he plays the martyr well and it’s as if I never poured my heart out to him that day and was very much up front and very honest from the very start of our relationship. What do I do now? I feel we are no longer compatible.
Wow Stephen, this article hit home. So much of what you wrote is exactly how I feel. Am celebrating each day of staying single. It’s been an exciting discovery of flourishing and exploring of what I want.
Always love to read your posts!!
Girls & boys out there – stay strong & stay true to yourselves!
If only I read this a few years back, it would have saved me a lot of trouble (or maybe not, I’d be too stubborn to believe it).
But I hope someone else finds wisdom in this rather than through personal experience =)
They are coming from a “scarcity mindset”
We tend to convince ourselves our feelings for someone are stronger than they are when we worry that we just won’t find anyone else again.
This is a “scarcity” mindset, and it typically happens with people who have little experience in relationships, who will become infatuated with anyone that shows them enough attention and affection, without taking a realistic view of whether or not the person is truly compatible with them.
I met a guy at work, the first time we saw each other was in October 2016 but he introduced himself in November, we became friends and talk very little not that often because he was in another department, so things got a little more intense as we continued to see each other, from the very start he flirted with me, each day more and more.
I liked him so much that I rushed into things with him and we almost got sexual, I consider this situation happened because of my lack of self-esteem and the negative thought of not having any one around anymore made me believe I had this one and only chance in my life time so I had to make the most of it.
I basically hold on to him, and imagine he wanted more, but I guess he was sincere all the time and he made clear that he just wanted to have sex with me, nothing else, I was the only one who did not see it that way, by the end of December I got another job offer which I accepted, I told him right away and he told me he did not want me to go away, I asked him to give me a good reason why I should reject that new position offer and he said “ how are we going to be able to see each other “,?? I should have known from that second he was not serious about anything going on between the both of us, but I hoped that he would reach out to me in my new job so we could finally have a relationship.
Then in January he texted me, proposing to have sex and saying that we should finished what we started; at first I said yes, and a couple of days went by, then we bump into each other casually and we flirted and he kissed me, he told me that same week , we should get together and have sex, but he never called , so I got on with my life and I realized that he was just playing with me, at first I got mad, and a month later I texted him and told him that since I never heard from him again, we should keep things as friends, but I was angry, now I know that maybe I made a mistake, because I should have ignored him, but.. Well he answered me right away trying to get to the point we were, but I just ignore his comments. After that we just keep casual contact, just by text.
I believe I should change something in my actual attitude, and that is not trying to keep in touch with him, because he never texts to me, it is me who makes a comment in Facebook, instagram, WhatsApp and he replays always, but that is little investment. I know now that winners do not wait, I will go on with my life, nothing happen at the end , because we did not have sex, and if he ever gets in touch with me again I will put my good energy to work and wish him the best, and move on.
One good thing resulted from this experience, I believe I got my self-confidence back, because the guy that I am referring to is really attractive and he is a bodybuilder, in my country guys are not attractive at all, and this guy stands out from the rest, every single one of my friends pointed this out that and said to me that at least I was kissed by a hunk.
I believe my reaction was not bad at all, since I do not have enough experience in love life, as many girls out there do, but I know that I have to learn a lot and practice more often, I never had a serious relationship before, and I am already 30 something years old.
Thanks for the wonderful videos, your words have had such an impact to me, I finally got the answers I was looking for, what another advice will you give me??, I want to go further and master this things before I meet someone else. What would you recommend for me, were should I start? What is the first lesson to me?.
#Winners don’t wait
Greetings from Ecuador, South America
Giselle.
Investment so true
I am the type who gives nevering needing anything in return
I’ve been out with a few guys
I refuse to date I tell them
So we go for walks or coffee only
This has helped raise my self esteem
The complements with out the pressure of dating
Thnx to you I flirt more without falling so fast
That was a really good article! I can clasify myself in the sector about ” They are insecure about whether they are loveable” part. I absolutly acknolidge that I have been caring this chain who is keeping me away from having a serious relationship and expereince all the beautiful things that a partnership and true love can ofer. I am completely self awared that I do not have the confidence and I have the wrong mindset. And every single day in this life since the last 3 and more years, I am constantly traying to change that! That is why I have been such a loyal follower and memeber of you and your brother! And with your help I have succeded to change very little part for all these years! Little but still a change. To be honest Stephen I could never believe how dificult is to change that limited way of thinking. Something so simple, but yet so hard to change, just because it has been implemented as a belief at young age and it has been “inserted” so deep in the bones and brain, that now at this age is extremely strong and take enormasly huge efforts to be taken away! Well.. little by little I belive that positive results will be achieved, just I am hoping that I won’t be that old by then!
Thank you Stephen, this is excellent. I’m on my first week of no dating, as I accepted earlier in the week that I needed to be alone for a bit in order to process, heal and be the best version of myself. I’ve done exactly what you said in the past, and I’ve used the attention or affections of men as bandaids and distractions up till now. So many thanks, because you have put words perfectly too what I needed to hear as I dive deeper into it all