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🚩Stop Ignoring His Red Flags and Get the Respect You Deserve

Falling in “like” with someone can happen in a flash.

And while liking someone is an electric feeling that signals the potential for something exciting… it can also trick us into looking past bad behaviors that we wouldn’t normally tolerate…

In the video below, I explain WHY we sometimes let red flags slide and the simple mindset shift that will help protect your heart while you’re looking for your ultimate partner.

What’s Your #1 Non-Negotiable in a Relationship?
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You know one of the reasons I think we get hurt more than we need to is because the way we come to like people tends to be somewhat binary. We go, “I’m not interested, I’m not interested, I’m not interested.” And then the point where some flash of lightning happens in our mind, maybe it’s because we think they look particularly beautiful or handsome. Maybe it’s because of something they’ve done or something that has been revealed to us about this person. We all of a sudden decide, “Now I like this person.” And so we go from that zero to a one like that and now we stick on the one.

The danger of this is that it creates a kind of static image of a person. So we now, in our minds say, “This person’s right for me. I really like this person. I want to be with this person.” And we’re no longer qualifying that based on what’s actually happening. We’ve decided in our mind. So now what we’re trying to do is make reality fit to the vision that we have in our mind.

I’m interested in looking at all of the little moments, the scenarios that happen between you and another person, that become signposts for whether this person is actually right for you. If you think about it, you have all of these requirements long term. Even if you don’t acknowledge them in the short-term infatuation stage, there are all these requirements that you have for the person that you would want to be with for the rest of your life. Whether it’s the way that they would treat your family, whether it’s the way they deal with stress, whether it’s how they deal with arguments. What I want us to begin doing is to make our vision for the kind of person we want to be with the more static part of the equation. That doesn’t mean it never changes or we don’t update our vision, but for the purposes of this mental exercise, let’s say that’s the static part, or it’s much more healthy and beneficial for that to be the static part. And the fluid part is the behavior we witness in somebody else.

If you do that, then when someone doesn’t communicate well with you, when someone decides for a week to just go off the radar and not text you or not call you, when someone treats you badly or just starts ignoring you, ghosting you, you don’t then tell yourself, “Oh, the love of my life is ghosting me.” You start to say, “Oh, they’re ghosting me. So I don’t think they’re the love of my life.”

But if, in those binary terms, you’ve decided, “This is my person. This is the person I want to be with,” then the fluid part becomes your vision, becomes your boundaries, becomes what you will and won’t accept, what behaviors you’ll justify. And that’s a very dangerous thing because I’ve made you the certain part and the uncertain part is how I should be treated or what kind of relationship I have. So now the compromise becomes all of my needs, not you. I want to flip that so that your needs become the most important part, they become the static part. The person is the thing that can be compromised if that person can’t live up to it.

See, I believe that real confidence and certainty is self-awareness of knowing what your deepest needs are in a relationship. And I’m not talking about all the superficial shit. You know, the stuff that we wanted as a teenager, that as we grow up, we learn, “Oh, that stuff’s not really that important.” I’m talking about the bedrock of the kind of relationship that you want to have. And then having the certainty to go out into the world and find that and not settle for less than that. But most people don’t have that level of confidence or certainty.

Insecurity, uncertainty is being unwilling to change the person and instead just making your vision mold the person you have. And that’s how you end up in a scenario where you go, “My God, I never would have imagined in my life that I would have tolerated this kind of behavior. I never would have imagined that I would accept this from someone. And here I am going through this hellish relationship, enduring all of this suffering, all of this bad treatment in order to stay with this person.” That’s because you made the person the static part and the vision the malleable aspect of your love life.

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54 Replies to “🚩Stop Ignoring His Red Flags and Get the Respect You Deserve”

  • I am hurting right now because although I knew this, and felt this in my heart, my recently ex-boyfriend made me question this with his lies and behavior that was conflicting with what he told me. I started picking up on some really negative personality traits like stonewalling, ignoring me and my feelings, ghosting, excuses and lies, him coming around when it was convenient for him and not so much for me and being a non contributor in the relationship or bringing significant benefit to my and my son’s life. Then, the worst happened, he was a police officer and said he had to work late on what was to be his Friday night, but, while trying to fall sleep alone, I had knots in my stomach. I just felt like my gut was trying to tell me that something wasnt right, hadn’t been right in quite some time. I saw an opportunity to verify his story of working late and find out from an objective 3rd party if he was telling the truth, theyd say yes, hes still on duty and if not, they would tell me without motivation to lie. Two people verified hed left on time at 7pm. It was almost midnight. I knew, for a fact, he had lied and fabricated a huge story and I would now never be able to trust him again when he said anything and that it was over. My heart is broken because I ignored the early signs, my instincts and made my the image of what was acceptable fluid, instead of sticking to my heart and making him the fluid part. This has helped me so much this morning. I’ve been upset and crying for weeks. It’s good to know I’m not being selfish for not compromising what’s important to me and accepting unacceptable behavior and circumstances. Thank you. I have a road of healing ahead before I’ll be ready to try to let someone in again but it’s justifying to know I’m not crazy for thinking exactly what you articulated in your video.

  • My nonnegotiable quality is integrity. If someone has integrity, they will not have to be told that being dishonest, sneaky, and lying is wrong.

  • Iam really a victim of this and am suffering so much with it. I have a child and looking for a way forward because its even coming to an end btn us

  • It’s tough to reply because I’ve never truly thought that I’d deserve more than what guys offer me in a friendship/relationship. So, I read a few comments below and I decided that my #1 Non Negotiable is TRUST. For a moment in my life I’ve allowed people to treat me how they wanted to treat me. Whether they were family, friends, lovers, or foe. I was mute for two year of my life and tested on many occasions to where I forgot to defend myself. And maybe I have to communicate more. And since I haven’t always been honest in my past, no one could ever fully trust my word. If I am more honest I show that I’m trustworthy. And with trust comes honesty on their behalf and I learn to trust them as well.

  • Wow. That’s was a major shift in perception. I get it and also recognize my pattern of behavior that now must change.

    What’s interesting is that I was taught to think I was too snobby or picky for saying someone was not “good enough” Bc I didn’t like how I was treated but now I realize that as a teen I had a clearer idea, a better idea of how I should be treated. But I was told I wasn’t pretty enough or wealthy enough to have those expectations.

  • I love this and it is very important to have a knowledge of our own deepest need,however, there are direct signs that a person is abusive/narcissist:
    1. Love bombing – This is when you first meet and he/she showers you with gifts, attention, compliments. You think he/she is being so sweet but in reality they are trying to get you hooked so you don’t see the other red flags to come.
    2. Pushing for sex too early (right away). – for them, sex “seals the deal” so you are right where they want you. Your guard is down and they now believe they have more control.

    3. Do not have a good relationship with parents- more than likely they have not grown up in a healthy home and you will be subject to the abuse that was shown to them.
    4. Deflect responsibility for their actions- They blame everyone for their problems instead of owning up to their actions. Pretty soon, you will be taking all the blame. They cheat, it’s your fault, they lie, it’s your fault.
    5. They are not trustworthy- they consistently stand you up. They don’t do what they say they are going to do.

    This is just a few, there are a bunch more.

  • Oh my this one hit the nail on the head for me.this has been my pattern up till now.this is the first time someone accually made sense.im at a point now where dating is no longer a safe option to aim for.ive resigned myself to a single life.which makes me kind of sad I thought I would be able to find a companion.my last encounter gave me great hope just to tear me appart.and I hadnt even started dating.on the upside it may have just been what I nedded to break this awful cicle..

  • Erika, please tell me all the direct signs. My girlfriend has literally done every one of those signs you said. I am questioning if I can trust her. Can you tell me all of them please?

  • I have done much self-reflection over the last year and much heart ache as well as much self name calling because I should have seen the flags and calmly walked away – walking directly past Go…

    My non-negotiables in any connection are now:
    * kindness and caring
    * being valued
    * respect
    * communications that are open, clear and not to be ambiguous, I want to not feel ignored or not worthy of a response or dismissed. Being heard.
    * being treated and communicated as an equal.

    A hard and bitter lesson to learn, but I learned it none the less. My values, my vision will always come first.

  • Hi, I am following your posts from quite a few days. I appreciate your hard work and knowledge. You are so crystal clear in whatever you want to convey.

    I have one query, I hope you will answer it. If the other person’s actions show that he also loves you but suddenly he go off the radar for few days and not text you or not call you. So because love means trust also, so what you will do then?

  • so true, I think I just finished a relationship (cuz he won’t talk to me for 3 weeks). Yes, I always wanted a partner who is selling to discuss with me when we have problems. Who’s welling to compliment me or encouraging me, instead of “ Why should I compliment you? Did you do something extremely well?” or refuse to talk about a problem calmly. Yet, I still think about besides those issue, he’s a delicate person that took care of me. But he’s never really want to communicate made me frustrated.

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