Do you have a naturally attractive friend who seems to have guys chasing her, even though she doesn’t look like a stereotypical ‘perfect ten’?
How does she do it?
You could just ask her. But there’s a problem with that approach. First, it’s a weird conversation to have with a close friend. Second, even if your friend offers honest advice, it’s probably not going to be helpful. Because when it comes to attracting a member of the opposite sex, even people who are good at it don’t always understand what they are doing.
(Photo: Toni Blay)
They don’t consciously break down their method, which is why they will often give you vague slogans like “I just connect with guys and it sort of happens” or “if you just be natural and stop trying so hard guys will like you”.
You can’t use this advice, because your version of natural isn’t your friend’s version of natural. So unless you know what principles they follow, it’s impossible to replicate their results.
Today I want to open the lid on one of the most important rules that all desirable people intuitively understand, whether they are aware of it or not.
This simple rule has been proven time and time again to be one of the most universally accepted routes to become more attractive, more sought after, and more intriguing to the opposite sex.
It’s not the magic bullet, but it’s the powerful weapon that all desirable people possess in their arsenal.
And you’ll notice it everywhere once you start looking for the patterns.
What Makes Some Women Naturally Desirable?
Try to think about a friend of yours, or someone you know, who seems to just be effortlessly attractive.
She doesn’t even seem to try that hard. She just does her thing – she isn’t especially kind or generous, she doesn’t give guys special treatment or play games, and yet she seems to have no problem getting guys intrigued and wanting to chase her, to text her – she’s even had guys begging to lock her down and be exclusive.
Meanwhile, maybe you know someone else who is the opposite of this woman.
Perhaps this person is the archetypal ‘people pleaser’ – she tries extremely hard, she doesn’t make waves, she is quick to agree with anything a guy says in order to force a connection, she is always around to ‘just hang out’ if he wants to. Oh, and she also can’t ever seem to keep a guy interested.
What is the difference between these two women?
Many will be tempted to read these contrasting examples cynically. They’ll say that it just proves the old adage: Treat them mean, keep them keen.
They’ll conclude that the lesson is that a woman should actively try to be unavailable, indifferent, or even aloof to the charms of men in order to peak a guy’s interest. Which is an enormous mistake, because it means jumping straight from one unattractive behaviour (excessive people pleasing) straight to another (excessive coldness and game-playing).
All the while they are missing the beautiful sweet spot in between these two extremes.
They are missing what the girl in our first example was sub-communicating that the second girl wasn’t: Self-Respect.
See, there is no single method that will guarantee that a guy falls in love with you.
There is, however, one secret that serves as the essential foundation for attraction, and without which you’ll never truly be able to keep a great guy interested.
The secret is this: Naturally desirable people, when given the option, choose being respected over being liked.
Being Liked Vs. Being Respected
Naturally desirable women are not people pleasers.
That’s not to say they aren’t pleasing to be around. But they do not set out in every interaction to be liked. They don’t compromise on how they treat their friends in order to spend more time with a guy.
They will make the difficult choice to prioritize more important things, like their career or their family, or even just their own standard of respect, rather than trying to just stay in rapport with a guy. They won’t bend their own beliefs. They can walk away. They communicate their needs in a calm, assertive way.
People often confuse this, and think that respect means they have to become a try-hard and aggressively assert their independence and strength at all opportunities.
But respect isn’t about gaining power and being competitive. It is about doing what feels right to you, and not apologizing for it. Even if a guy disagrees, he’s going to respect you in that moment for sticking to your standards.
This doesn’t mean that everyone has to have the same standard. Some people’s standards for respect mean they will only sleep with someone after 6 months, for others it’s 3-4 dates, for others it’s whenever they want. The standard itself doesn’t matter. What matters is that a guy sees you conform to whatever your standard happens to be.
It doesn’t mean either that he will always accept that standard. For many guys six months would be too long to wait to have sex. But there’s one guarantee: he’ll lose respect, and eventually attraction for you, if he feels like you are compromising something that is important to you.
For example, a guy might like it in the moment when you sleep with him on a first date. But if he feels like it was something you only did to make him happy, but which violated your own standard for sexual intimacy, he’ll start to feel less attracted to you as a long-term partner (EDIT: of course, if you want have sex on a first date, and don’t have any strict rules about it, then go for it ;) ).
This is not a prescription telling you not to have sex on a first date (though there are pragmatic reasons not to e.g. needing time to get to a better read on the person and know what they are looking for, allowing things to develop gradually and build some anticipation). Rather, it simply says that compromising our standards, even a little, to stay in rapport with someone you like is a false path to attraction.
This is because being liked in the moment is not the same as generating long-term attraction. Period.
Is it possible to be respected and liked at the same time? Of course.
But is it possible for a guy to be attracted long-term if he likes you but doesn’t respect you? No way.
A guy can totally enjoy spending time with you, have fun in your company, but if he gets the weird vibe that he gets ‘special treatment’ just because you are attracted to him, he instantly sees you as less desirable.
This is what we mean when we say guys value what they earn. It’s not that guys don’t LOVE attention, affection, and being prioritized. It’s that they want to feel like they have earned that status.
High Value women understand that just being agreeable is not attraction. Attraction can come from those moments when a guy tests the boundaries and just sees that they exist.
To put it simply: pleasing a guy and attracting a guy don’t always go hand in hand. Often they do, but sometimes they don’t.
And when they don’t, a sophisticated woman always knows which one to choose.
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(Back to Matt)
If you enjoyed that and want to learn how to quickly become a High Value Woman that men can’t resist, go watch this video I created for you…
“They will make the difficult choice to prioritize more important things, like their career or their family, or even just their own standard of respect, rather than trying to just stay in rapport with a guy. They won’t bend their own beliefs. They can walk away. They communicate their needs in a calm, assertive way.”
I didn’t think it would be that difficult to not sell yourself short. But at the moment I find it extremely challenging to hold to my standards and values. But you are helping me in reminding me that respecting myself is the most important when my body, heart and brain don’t speak the same language. Thanks!
When I was reading this, I had this vision of you in my head walking around, moving things, tweaking things. I seriously did. Sometimes I feel like you can read my mind or what you write is specifically for me, so that’s amazing.
I really appreciated you speaking on sex and what you had to say about it. This clarified a lot of things for me. I’m okay with my standards and I don’t have to worry about anyone else. Period.
So, with you being in my head, a possible spoof for 5 of you might be ‘Inside Out.’ Have you seen it? My 4 year old loves it. Five miniature people are inside this little girl controlling her emotions. They represent joy, fear, anger, disgust, and sadness. You, Matthew, John, Michael, and Billy could all be in a woman’s brain narrating her emotions as she goes on a date <3
Btw It was hilarious when you said to Matthew – Oh, I'm going to lay down. I need an audience of 200 ppl. – on periscope. I laughed really hard.
http://youtu.be/M2KD2O9lSuA
This is one important thing that I keep coming back to in my life, and trying to focus on this whether or not it’s in a relationship or how I feel about myself. I envision kids on a playground and can pick out those who are bullies, and those who are desperate for attention. The bullies are grown up now and still here, and unfortunately the playground teacher is no longer out there with us….. so I’d have to say it’s just time to stand up and take a look around and respect what you believe in, and for who you are. R.E.S.P.E.C.T! (anybody remember that song?) Definitely something to work on in life. Thanks! – See more at: http://www.gettheguy.co.uk/blog/the-one-secret-all-attractive-women-use/#comment-562516
Hello! Completely loved this article. Its true without exception. I found this truth out by accident years ago. I had friendships with men but before long they would pull me aside and admit their feelings had grown and we’re seeking something deeper with me. The issue that remained was that I still viewed them as a nice guy that clearly I had no intention of dating. This kept reoccurring to no avail and honestly; I almost couldn’t believe it. The men I meet all say ” you are so different from other women, there is just something about you! ” Its that “something ” that here in the article is respect. Not arrogance. The hang up with us as women Is when we fall hard and that special man knows this ;then uses this as his leverage for a selfish one-sided situation. At this point it is a situation because a relationship is only created when two people contribute. Yet when we allow our respect and boundaries to be stripped from us we are basically saying it’s okay to treat me as You see fit! Then the relationship is more like a dictatorship. Hold yourself high. Life is not a race it’s an experience and the right man views this the same way only they know if you hlid your own value they have something to value in that experience! Thank you for this fantastic article! I look forward to more of these. Truly a delight!
Genius, GENIUS !!!!!!!!!
I lost a lot of female “friends” because I coudn’t give them the reasons why some guys were intrested in me ..
but reading this woooow! everything is clear now
Wow this is good insight and advice. Thanks
How/when do you communicate your standards? Especially if they are old-fashioned, like I do not feel comfortable kissing someone on the first date if we have only spent a couple hours together in person. When should I bring this up? I know you and Matt have mentioned that a man’s sexual desirability is very important to him. I went out with a guy a few weeks ago and even though I felt like it went well I didn’t kiss him and he didn’t reply to my text thanking him until I reached out again later. Have I damaged things irreparably?
Matt has a great script on sex on a first date but I think it applies here. If he tries to kiss you, say “This is hard because I am really attracted to you, but i don’t usually move that fast/kiss on the first date. But how about you take me out for dinner next week?”. Then you could smile and put your hand on his arm, or something else that communicates that you like him. If he doesn’t try and kiss you I don’t think you even need to bring it up. Just keep being fun and warm and lovely and show him your attracted to him. Hope that helps!
High value women, ftw! ;)
Babes in total control of themselves. I certainly agree, Steve.
<3
Arianna
I Have been seeing a man for a month. We have been intimate, I gave him a Christmas card and very small gift. He mailed me a card, nothing written in it and not even my name was on the card. Made no plans to see me for the holidays and only sees me one day a week. I believe the flame has gone out. Help!
Thank you Stephen this advice is so huge.
I have personal experience with this. I always was the “nice girl” and didn’t stick to my standards. I let guys lead the interactions. It wasn’t until after reading “get the guy” and listening to matts videos and reading the book “boundaries”-which I think EVERY woman should read, it’s amazing-that I was able to truly stick to my standards and meet an incredible guy!
That’s not to say that I haven’t failed multiple times. I lost a lot of guys when I stuck to my guns and communicated my self respect. But that’s ok! You don’t want those men anyway! For years I lived in fear that if I used boundaries or said that I was upset with them or communicated that their behaviour was not ok, that they would walk away. And sometimes they do. But that’s good-because I’ve realized that if a man does that-I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him Anyway! I want a man who respects me and does not spook when I communicate my standard. And if he does-he’s not right for me anyway!
I’ve communicated my boundaries consistently with my new bf, and he has as well, for example when he wants to go to yoga class and needs to get up early he will tell me that he would like to hang out another night because he values his health and it’s important to him. I’ve actually learned a lot from him about sticking to my values. Initially I’m frustrated, but guess what? I respect him MORE. And I’m certain that’s how a guy feels when you do the same thing.
Ladies-please do not be afraid to upset him, or stick to your boundaries. Be strong in your beliefs and value systems and the right guy will come. My relationship is stronger and healthier than any relationship I’ve been in, and not only does he adore
Me but he respects me, and that’s huge.
Thank you Stephen and Matt for being such great coaches. I’ll continue to watch your videos and learn!
I am experiencing this with a guy I work with. He clearly says he does not want a relationship, which of course I now realize he does not want one with me. Working together is difficult; we are very attracted to each other, but it is hard for me to put the brakes on him (I have tried a couple of times). He is a great guy, funny and handsome, but I know I am too giving and “nice”. I had not been in a relationship for 9 years and when he put the moves on me after several months of flirting at work, we went out and I did not stick to my standards. I regret that because this is a guy I would love to be with for the long haul. We are very good friends, but I know it is not a true relationship. I have stopped the sex and we are still good friends.
Excellent piece Stephen. Solid advice and superbly well-written. Thank you.
Matt can you please do an article about the Madonna/Whore complex!???
You are insightful and I greatly appreciate your wisdom! Thank you!
(BTW, I believe it’s “pique” not “peak” someone’s interest )
Now, how do I interpret my situation?
A coworker at work admitted to my direct coworker that he liked me, but said he was afraid to make a move (such as asking me out, because he didn’t want to affect our professional relationship at work). He had told me I’m adorable and a nice person.
However, he would flirt with me I’m text messages, complimented on my body, saying things that were sexually implicated. I didn’t completely go with the flow, but didn’t present a cold blocking wall.
For example, he texted me something about slapping and biting my butt. I responded something like “Sounds like a good plan, but too bad we don’t know each other that well.” Because I don’t just sleep with anyone. I did know him at work for 3 or 4 months at that time, but I didn’t really “know” him, because he doesn’t talk to me a lot, even if I was really into a conversation with him (common interests, etc.)
So, my question is, I kept my standards, but an open mind, but he never moved further action. WHY?? Does he enjoy women with no standards? Or are women with standards actually more intimidating than desirable? Or does it depend on the guy’s mental maturity?
He ended up being with one of his ex girlfriends (according to a female source but not too reliable, because is gossipy and rumor producing.)
This guy told me that he didn’t have good experience with his ex’es and said things about wanting a loyal woman, so I assume all his ex’es cheated, but he chose one of them (if the source of info was correct). AND what’s more, that ex works at our company too, although she was per diem.
Interesting scenario. The world behind someone’s eyes is an interesting place. People who have been betrayed or cheated on can be particularly challenging. The more they are interested in someone the more they might fear being hurt or rejected. Sometimes this can lead to misinterpretation of actions or communication.
May be he gets off on sending dirty messages to women even if he has no intention of any more than that.
There are lots of so called ” relationship gurus” but I always keep coming back to you.
You give us information that becomes “Ahhh… I get it!”
Thank you for being the top in your field – I always get a better understanding of men when I read your materials
I don’t disagree with you about the differences between being liked and being respected. What trips me up is the stigma surrounding sex. What if you are genuinely attracted to a man and you also have a healthy appetite for sex? Are you suppose to deny your basic sexual desires and instincts to have sex in order to facilitate someone viewing you as respectable? Can a woman be a “High Value” woman and remain true to her own sexual proclivities?
There is also the dilemma of getting to know someone before engaging in sex because of the emotional and psychological responses connected to the act of sex. They might be sexually compatible but nothing else between them. Did you not say that women will see 40% of what they want in a man and make up the other 60%? It seems to me that sex would only deepen the contrast of those statistics.
I love what you say, Matt, but it seems so complicated for women. It feels like there is a set of rules (or do’s and don’ts) to attract a man and to have him pursue you. It is particularly vexing for women who are more direct and who lack the finer details of flirting and/or playing a cat and mouse game. Such a woman might not ever excel in this art form of attracting a man and keeping him interested. Communication and similar interests seem like key components. Although, I do see where opposites attract. In the end there needs to be a solid foundation that keeps two people interested in each other. Too much friction can, over time, tear apart attraction and even love.
It depends on the man in short. The Madonna/whore complex is a blight over both sexes. Women repress their natural desires because Victorian era values still linger. I’m not saying play it fast and loose, but if a man doesn’t get that women have desire too it will never work. For example, say you’re in a long term relationship with a guy and that you waited 6 dates before sex. Then, one night at dinner with him and friends a college story comes up that involved a one night stand. A man with a Madonna/whore complex will immediately flip you from Madonna to whore. Its so entrenched that its subconscious for the most part, and it causes resentment i.e. “she made me wait 6 dates but gave it up to some random guy that easily?!” Tread carefully and good luck.
It’s a wise technique. Maintaining a balance is often a challenge in itself. Thanks for the worthy advice.
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Thank you.
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Mars, do you know if Matt reads these?? Or should I send correspondence another way? He needs to know his contribution as I see it! :D
Hi Brieanna! Matt reads the comments whenever he can, but with his busy schedule, it’s hard to keep up! If you have positive feedback you’d like share, please send it to support@howtogettheguy.com – the support team often shares testimonials with the rest of the company, including Matt. You can comment on his Instagram posts. Thanks for getting in touch! <3 - Mars
Matthew I’d love for you to do some advice on how to rekindle a marriage. You give such good suggestions and advice for dating, I really could use advice on sexual attraction and chemistry after being married for 19 years!!!!!!