The Strange Secret to a Happy Relationship: Trash Cans

I bet you’ve never thought about relationships the way I’m about to show you.

The secret I give in this video isn’t one you’ll find in every book out there…

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What are the “Trash Cans” you want in your dream relationship? The day-to-day details and acts of support?


Matthew:

This isn’t fantasy. This isn’t building a castle in the sky. The idea of love. The idea of what we could be. The one day wager – I call it the one day wager. I’m making a wager that one day you’ll be what I want you to be. One day you’ll invest in me the way I want you to. One day you’ll change. The one day wager is the most dangerous wager you can possibly make in your love life. The real shit is what’s going on now. Is someone trying? Do they want to be here? Are they focused on the little shit? Not just the big shit, because anyone can go and have a… People say, “But when it’s great, it’s great.”

Lewis:

“It’s amazing.” Yeah.

Matthew:

“When we go out, we’ve been on some amazing dates.”

Lewis:

“We’re on vacation.”

Matthew:

Or “We did that vacation, we had the best time and it was amazing.” Of course, you were on fucking vacation. Anyone can go to Disney World and have a great time. It’s Disney World! That’s the job of the place, is to make sure you have a great time no matter who you’re with.

Lewis:

Right.

Matthew:

Right? You know what? When I was, I think I was 12 or 13, my parents took me to America for the first time and we came to Florida, and where do you think we went? We went to –

Lewis:

Disney World.

Matthew:

… Disney World and I was massively excited. I was so –

Lewis:

Pumped.

Matthew:

… excited. It was exciting to be in America. I was excited to see the things I’d seen on TV. Excited to see the references to movies I’d seen. Excited for the rides. We go into Disney World and I learned something very interesting about myself there. Because of course, I go in there, it’s magical. It’s, “Oh my God, this is crazy. It’s huge.”

Lewis:

And your photo with Mickey.

Matthew:

You go on Space Mountain.

Lewis:

Yeah.

Matthew:

Yeah, there’s Mickey there, there’s all these dazzling attractions. But it was something that stood out to me even more than Space Mountain, even more than the big ride. It was the trash cans.

Lewis:

Oh, yeah?

Matthew:

On some level that maybe I couldn’t fully articulate at that age, I saw the trash cans and I was moved by it. I said, “Someone cared enough about this place to theme the trash cans.” The trash can in Tomorrow Land is a futuristic trash can, the trash can in Indiana Jones Land or whatever it’s called is a Tiki bamboo trash can. The trash cans were different depending on where you were.

Lewis:

It’s amazing.

Matthew:

Someone cared so much about the detail of that world that they styled and themed the trash cans. It moved me. I’ve never forgotten that. The trash cans in life. And I’ve thought about that endlessly in my business. When I do a retreat – I just got back from my retreat, and I told this story on the retreat  – someone came to me at the end of the retreat – because of all the little details we put on the retreat, you know, it’s not just a seminar, an event, we hold parties and inside there are –

Lewis:

It’s an experience, yeah.

Matthew:

It’s an immersive world. We like to think we’ve created the immersive theater of the self-development world. And someone came up to me at the end of this retreat and said, “You achieved trash can status.” And it –

Lewis:

That’s big.

Matthew:

The 13-year-old in me wanted to cry.

Lewis:

Wow, that’s amazing.

Matthew:

Right? And it moved me again and I thought, “That’s what I want.” And I thought about this even today as I was coming here and I was like, “You know what? This absolutely applies to relationships too.” Often in a breakup, often when people are going through difficult times with their partner or whatever, the thing they go back to is, “But we had that amazing trip, but we had those amazing times.” They go to these highlights, they go to the Space Mountain of their relationship and they go, “But remember when we met Mickey?” It’s that, right?

Lewis:

Yeah.

Matthew:

The meeting Mickey moment of their relationship. But relationships are about the trash cans, man. It’s the trash cans.

Lewis:

Yeah.

Matthew:

Because guess what? In a day at Disney, you ride Space Mountain once, maybe twice.

Lewis:

It’s a moment.

Matthew:

How many times do you use the trash cans?

Lewis:

Every day, all the time.

Matthew:

Every 20 minutes, every 30 minutes.

Lewis:

Yeah.

Matthew:

It’s the trash cans. What will define your relationship is the trash cans, not Space Mountain.

Lewis:

The lower moments, the messy moments.

Matthew:

The micro attractions. The moment where we do something sweet, where we think of our partner when we didn’t need to and we worry about the day they had or support them, or even just support them silently or in private, or support them by what we don’t bring to them. It’s that. It’s the detail. It’s the detail, and that’s what’s going to determine how great your life is. My concern is, and we’ve all been there, my concern is the number of people out there who are staying in the wrong thing because of the Space Mountain of the relationship.

Lewis:

The few moments that were magical.

Matthew:

Or they’re spending too much grieving the loss of the wrong thing because all they remember is Space Mountain.

Lewis:

Interesting.

Matthew:

But they don’t think of how shitty the trash cans were and the trash cans, that’s the stuff, that’s the day-to-day. How good was it day-to-day? There’s a difference between being in love and being happy.

Lewis:

What is the difference between love and happiness?

Matthew:

You can be in love and be really unhappy.

Lewis:

Be suffering inside and be in love.

Matthew:

You can be in love and be having a relationship that’s causing you constant anxiety, constant heartache, constant pain, feeling overlooked, not feeling important. You can be in love and all of those things still be true, how crazy is that? We think that love is this thing where it’s rational, like, “I’m going to be in love with this person who brings me joy.” Not true. We need to start worrying more about happiness because if someone isn’t building with you, if someone isn’t committing to actually building the castle with you, that’s the quality of your life, not how in love you are.

Lewis:

You might love certain things about them. You might’ve loved the date you went on, you might have loved the Space Mountain or –

Matthew:

Certain characteristics they had.

Lewis:

The sex was incredible.

Matthew:

How charming they were, how charismatic, how whatever. It doesn’t mean that you’re happy day-to-day, there’s a big difference.

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