These 2 Words Will Help You Heal Your Heartbreak

I’ll keep this short. If you’re experiencing any kind of pain right now from a “situation” or a relationship ending, this brand-new video is a must-watch for you today . . .

Heal Your Heart & Move on Strong From Your Breakup.
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Stephen Hussey:

When you first have the moment of a breakup, you have the shock, and all the tears, and the moment where it happens, and it’s this shocking, traumatic moment. And then it’s that bit in the Dark Knight where Bruce Wayne is thrown into that pit, that prison, the big circular prison, and up somewhere is the light but you are just stuck in this dark hole and you have no idea how you’re going to climb out of it.

What’s your initial thought on when you’re faced with that kind of black hole you’re in? What’s your first instinct with your wisdom and experience now, of when that moment happens?

 

Matthew Hussey:

Steve, this reminds me of an episode of Clarissa the Teenage Witch.

 

Stephen Hussey:

Do you mean Sabrina the Teenage Witch?

 

Matthew Hussey:

Yeah, I do, but I was getting a mixed up with Clarissa Says It All.

 

Stephen Hussey:

Clarissa Explains It All.

 

Matthew Hussey:

Explains It. Clarissa Says It All. I’m getting like mum where I can’t remember the names of things. This reminds me Steve, of an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

 

Stephen Hussey:

Okay. I’m listening.

 

Matthew Hussey:

There’s a moment where her friend, I forget her friend’s name, but her friend cuts her hair too short.

 

Stephen Hussey:

Jenny. Her friend’s name is Jenny. Why do I know . . . I don’t know why I still know that.

 

Matthew Hussey:

So her mate Jenny gets her hair cut off too short and Clarissa—no, Sabrina—she’s got powers, obviously, but I think there’s something in this episode where she’s always saying the right thing or she’s got the power to make everyone feel good. And so her friend gets her hair cut off and Jenny’s mortified that her hair’s all gone. And Sabrina comes along and just says two words to her. She just says, “Hair grows.” And Jenny just looks at her and she’s like, “Hair grows.” And she walks away and she’s fine. It’s just like she realizes that it’s all alright, that hair grows.

Two words like that can change your life. Anyone who’s at the apex of the awfulness of grieving over somebody, I would say, “Emotions change.” They don’t stay the same. So even when you’re in the lowest low, you are—is it Jonah in the belly of the whale?

 

Stephen Hussey:

Yes. That wasn’t an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

 

Matthew Hussey:

Right. So when Jonah’s in the belly of the whale, that’s the worst of the worst. “How can it get any worse?” And that thought is it’s always going to be like this. “I am in the worst possible place and I can’t survive this. If this stays this way, I can’t survive this.” Emotions change. This terrible feeling you have right now about losing this person, “They’re the love of my life. I’m never going to get over this. I’m going to miss them like this forever. When I see them with someone else, I’m going to have a full breakdown. I’m never going to meet anyone like them again.” Emotions change. They just don’t stay the same. That much you can rely on. You’re actually not going to feel like this for forever. It can’t be. It cannot be.

There is just no way. You are going to get better, and your emotions about this situation are going to change. Your feelings towards this person are going to change. They’re not going to stay the same. Your feelings towards other people are going to change. Someone else is going to come on your radar and they’re going to be interesting. And you’ll like something else about them or love something else about them. It will all change. None of this is going to stay the way that it is right now. So those two words, if nothing else—if you’re in the worst moment of your breakup—if nothing else, just remember emotions change.

 

Stephen Hussey:

You’re absolutely right. You have to have a degree of faith and well, it’s rational as well, but it’s a rational understanding of this pain cannot . . . this isn’t going to be my life. People don’t just stay in this shock forever. But I think it’s so important, as well, that you engage in a procedure of emotional, for lack of a less cliche word, self-care. You have to put yourself on the right path to not prolonging it. You’ve got a wound and now you’ve got to start applying the right antiseptic, the right balms and ointments, wrap the wound. You have to do the right things. You have to go, “Okay, I’m going to start building the ladder of self-esteem again. I’m going to turn self-hatred into self-love. I’m going to start treating myself like someone I care about.”

And if I was just looking at this person from the outside, I would be like, “Okay, let’s just get you out for a walk today. Let’s get you to go and have a chat to a friend who brings you a bit of joy or someone who you know makes you laugh a bit,” and just gently, “Do a phone call. Do one phone call.” I think these things, if you just start that little upward spiral, things start to get a bit better each day.

 

Matthew Hussey:

I agree. The word gently is kind of interesting because there’s certain parts of it you’re just not going to outrun. When you’re truly heartbroken, you’re not just going to gym your way out of that. Do you know what I mean? You’re not just going to nights with friends out your way out of that. You’re not going to . . .

 

Stephen Hussey:

Party through it until . . .

 

Matthew Hussey:

Or even self-help your way out of it through listening to so many podcasts in a day or week or whatever. Those things are things that realign your focus, they build other muscles. We’ve talked before about it. If you imagine, it’s like one part of your body is injured. Let’s say your heart, your heart is injured. So you’re training other parts of your body. You want to keep doing that because you don’t want to wake up when you feel better   . . being heartbroken is one problem, but you don’t want to wake up in six months with six problems because you being heartbroken meant that you didn’t work any of the other muscles.

If you injure your shoulder, you’ve got a problem, but you don’t want to wake up six months from now with weak legs or a weak core or a bunch of problems that have come from eating badly. That those things don’t have to be problems alongside it. Sometimes, I think, we’re so focused on trying to make the injured muscle feel better instead of being like, “That thing’s going to be injured for a minute. That’s okay.” You don’t have to try to speed that up to an unnatural rate of healing because when we do that, typically we’re lying to ourselves in some way. We’re telling ourselves everything’s all right and making ourselves so absurdly busy that we have zero time to even think.

But the moment you have downtime, the moment it gets to 11 o’clock at night and your head hits the pillow again, that stuff’s all coming rushing back in anyway. At some point it catches up and you still have to go through the hellish part of it. You can reduce it, but you’re still going to go through the tough part. But you want to make sure that you accept that you have a problem and issue. And by the way, it’s not, in a sense . . . It is a real problem, but it’s also a real problem that’s a real opportunity. It’s a real opportunity for growth. It’s a real opportunity for healing. It’s a real opportunity for self-care. It’s a real opportunity to build your relationship with yourself. Self-love. It’s a real opportunity to show yourself that you can deal with very difficult things in life. It’s a real opportunity to build your toughness, and your resilience, and the invincibility that comes from knowing you can get over anything, which is going to make you really valuable to the next person.

I’m more valuable to people because of my heartbreak. There is no question about it. I am more valuable because of heartbreak in my life. I would be less valuable in this conversation right now if I didn’t have heartbreak and anyone who has been through heartbreak, you may not be out there coaching tons of people or making videos, but if you’ve just got friend or family member or someone in your life who comes to you for help, you’re going to be more helpful as a result of this heartbreak. It’s going to make you a better, more useful person in the world. Your suffering will make you more useful in the world.

So it’s only a problem to the extent that it hurts. It’s not a problem in the sense of your growth. Right now you have an issue, but you don’t want to wake up with six more issues six months from now because you didn’t take care of the other things. Accept that there’s going to be a tough period. That’s okay.

 

Stephen Hussey:

I want to tell people that they can go and carry on this, if it’s something they’re going through. You can go to MoveOnStrong.com and we’ve got a free guide to really help you start to emotionally put yourself on that track, so that you are starting yourself, however slowly, however gently, but on an upward spiral out of that condition to something where you feel, “Hey, there’s some light here. I can see a way through this.” And sometimes that’s all it is. You’re not going to reach this peak state, but you’re like, “I’m going to get through this. I know a way I can move forward.”

I talk a lot about going from the athlete . . . going from the hangover model of breakups to the athlete model of recovery. Instead of drowning yourself in all kinds of junk and bad stuff, you start deciding what can I train, you start thinking like when an athlete is injured, they allow themselves to heal, but they start the process of recovery, of getting better, of strengthening the muscles they can strengthen and asking of themselves all they can ask of themselves today. So if you want to do that and go check out that free guide, go to MoveOnStrong.com.

11 Responses to These 2 Words Will Help You Heal Your Heartbreak

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  1. Amanda says:

    Hi Matthew. I’ve been MIA for a while but found this & the following video delightful. I AM very good at exaggerating men’s good/bad points – the demon/angel thing’s great. In fact that’s how I was with the last 3 “promising” guys. And I HAVE stopped whingeing! One disappeared entirely, and one I run into occasionally, but don’t “buy into” anymore, and he doesn’t know it, but he’s become a rather pitiful character in a book I’m writing and I’m DELIGHTED when I discover he actually lives up (or down) to the scenarios I predict for my character! And the third was a good friend before and is still and I shrug to think it could’ve been any different. His wife’s in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s. I visit her regularly and he’s grateful but even if she predeceases him I don’t think he’ll ever be there for me. But I don’t read his FB posts about their lovely large extended family anymore, realising that OF COURSE they could never accept another woman in their dad,or step-dad’s, or father-in-law’s life, or if they could, it wouldn’t be me. Sadly, I don’t have any of that, but that’s a separate issue, I DO have other stuff to get on with! And I HAVE done a lot of healing. So I’m actually on track with my life!

  2. Mary Macharia says:

    This is so insightful! I really like the analogy of the athlete recovering from an injury. ☀️

  3. Carli says:

    This is so good! This is so true! Thank you for every second of this wisdom. I can’t tell you how helpful it is to be reminded that I am a more useful person to my loved ones and the world because of this break up, the reminder that I can do hard things, that a healthy plan of recovery is important, that healing takes time and to be gentle with myself, and most importantly that just like his “feelings changed”, so will mine! It’s a problem because it hurts, not a problem with my growth or a reflection of my future.. Don’t wake up with 6 problems as a result of ignoring these truths.. hair grows, emotions change and I could not be more encouraged. Thank you

  4. Helene says:

    Omg Clarrissa sounds so smart

    But seriously this is so good.

  5. Michelle says:

    Interesting that you should send this today. I think my relationship is over after a huge fight yesterday. It’s dreary and cold here in Montana and I want to curl up and waist away. I know that I stood up for myself and had integrity while untrue accusations were thrown my way but my self-esteem did take a hit. I will probably go for a walk later but now I think a nice self message and some “My so called life” is just what the doctor ordered. Thanks for always helping me and many others through these rough times and trumpeting that we are worthy of respect, dignity and love. I hope to find it someday. This too shall pass.

  6. Kathleen Kelly says:

    I want to stand up and cheer after listening to this! Somewhere there’s a person listening to this who’s feeling so hopeless, who’s in so much pain, that they’ve considered ending their life just to make the pain STOP… and now they have hope to carry on.

    Matthew, Stephen, you’ve probably saved a life today.

    Best,

    Kathleen

  7. Pamela Vintimilla says:

    I really liked all the comments and points of view, I agree with Matthew that if we don’t take care of that heartbreak, we might end up with 6 or more problems added to that one. I recently went through it, and now I am trying to regain that balance and getting things in order. I feel I wasted too much time in the middle of the healing process in terms of the other things that I had to take care of while healing. But in the end, we are human beings learning and under constant construction of ourselves. Life is beautiful no matter what! Thanks!

  8. Cheri says:

    Emotions zchange as we grow and expand our life experience. After a heart wrenching loss I pushed things that prior would have been something I didn’t do . As I did these things I changed I grew inside. Over time this became a plethora of new experiences that built my confidence my energy my mind. My emotions changed because I was a different person than I was before. My perspective changed so much that when I ran into him almost 6 months later I didn’t want to be with him it was like ,the moment in Pride and Prejudice the original pbs series when elizabeth says to the charming but I’ll fit Wiickam – Go Go I would not wish you back again ,

  9. SHIVANTHI KULASINGHAM says:

    I appreciated Stephen Hussey’s words here. I resonated with what he was saying because he expressed raw emotions. And I love the Athlete vs Hangover Recovery methods. A big ‘Aha’ moment for me.

  10. Arlene says:

    Hi I been in a relationship for 18years now I did all I should,we build a home together after all those years he move like he don’t care and everything about our relationship change in a second,we have a daughter together and he changed so much I don’t even know him right now.Now our relationship is coming to an end because he said it’s over and he don’t need or want me.Mathew it hurts so much because I put so much in this relationship and love him so much but he don’t love me.I don’t know what to do…am feeling so broken because I did nothing wrong.

  11. Bríd says:

    Respectfully I must disagree with your premise. In my experience, emotions don’t change. We change.
    If emotions were so ephemeral, what’s the point of any relationship? Transient gratification? If your premise is so, all love is doomed to fade as none withstands the test of time. Hardly an inspiring takeaway. If that’s true, I’ll just get a dog, thanks. Frankly, I prefer being a person whose emotions are a bit more long-lived than a weather pattern. To me the key isn’t time; it’s about change.
    The love isn’t less after a loss than it was before the loss, and neither therefore is the pain of loss. I can tell you this decades on from such a loss; time has done nothing to dim them. But they were only as intense as the person I was then could muster. They pale in comparison to what I’m capable of feeling ( and giving) now. The emotions didn’t change – but I did. The beliefs that preceded those emotions changed. The reality that informed those beliefs changed. I changed. And the person I became developed new feelings, indeed, the ability to love with a depth that the “me” of yore hadn’t possessed. I became – more. My point is that it’s not about time; it’s about perspective and proportion.
    It’s like body-building. The first week at the gym, one can barely finish two sets with a ten pound dumbbell. A month later, those weights seem to fly during the third set of hammer curls. Did the weight get lighter? It sure FEELS lighter. But the weight has the same mass it had a month ago. It didn’t get lighter. WE got stronger. Time to raise the weight.
    I’m just saying, heartbreak is like most other opportunities life presents: it arrives cleverly disguised as a lot of hard work and more than a little pain. We are presented with the consequences of our choices and the opportunity to face our weaknesses in order to address them. Did we ignore red flags because we’re afraid to be alone? Project qualities onto the beloved in a back-handed attempt to acquire those qualities for ourselves? Indulge in a little magical thinking that our special, special love could “change” an unhealthy or shallow person? (Because that’s what makes us valuable, right? Le sigh.)
    We are forced then to reckon with these old wounds and the false beliefs that arise from them, heal them, and emerge a better, more powerful version of ourselves if we want to get out of pain. We are forced to change.
    I believe that in a true love relationship, we are also asked to change, and for the better; we are drawn to the person who inspires us to confront our own defects, grow towards our best versions of ourselves, and as a consequence, evolve the ability to love more fully, deeply, and unselfishly. If they leave us anyway, it’s because they’ve served their purpose and we’re ready for the next lesson. To stop growing would be deadly dull, wouldn’t it? But if we learn our lessons, we up the odds of finding a partner who’ll stick around and learn along with us, for the long haul. Like attracts like, after all.
    Heartbreak can either destroy us or ennoble us; we choose which. That’s what I’ve learned. Your mileage may vary; I’m just offering the perspective here for your consideration.

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