They Told You They Wanted a Break? The Perfect Response…

What do you do if the person you are with comes to you telling you he wants a break?

In these moments we often do exactly the opposite of what we need to. If you’re in this situation, or you ever want to know what to do if someone says this to you again, please check out my new video. It’s going to give you the only response you’ll ever need…

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Has someone you love and care about recently told you that they are considering or want a break?

What do you do when this happens?

Now naturally, when this happens, there is going to be this flood of devastation, of panic, of heartbreak, of feeling like we did something wrong, of looking for a way to solve it. What we have to do is, for a moment, quiet our emotions – as much as we can, we’re human, we’re going to let them out – but we have to quiet them enough to have a reasoned conversation with this person. And this conversation is absolutely vital, because it can literally mean the difference between you wasting months or years of your life, and finding something or someone that is right for you.

The conversation is in three parts.

Number one, you ask them why they want to go on a break. And you do this as calmly and as reasonably as possible, because what you want is an honest answer. The reason you want an honest answer is because you’re going to have to use that to evaluate what you do next.

Now, they’re going to give reasons. You have to ask yourself, are these reasons to do with them? Are they to do with me? Are they inside my control? Or are they outside of my control? All of these things are very important things to ask.

Once he’s told you all of this, your next step is to ascertain whether these problems that are necessitating a break for him are things that have to be solved from without the relationship, or whether they can be solved from within the relationship as a team. As things should, if a relationship is truly strong, if it’s truly that relationship that we’re going to be in for our lives, it should be able to withstand difficult times. It shouldn’t require the team to break up for it to work.

Then you ask, “Do you think that we can solve these things by being a team together? Because I am willing to do the work to make that happen. You would have to be too. But if the both of us commit, I believe we can get through this. Do you?”

If the answer to that question is, “No, I need a break,” part three comes in.

You say, “I understand you want a break, but my definition of a break is a breakup. I believe that in a relationship we can get through anything together, but not if your version of getting through something means without me in the picture, that’s not the teammate that I want and deserve. So I understand what you feel you need to do, and that you’re going to go and do that, but I need to now move on. And, of course, the gamble you’re taking, which you must already know about because otherwise you wouldn’t be doing this, is that I won’t be there when you decide you want me. But I can’t allow your gamble to become my gamble. My gamble would be staking my time and my energy and my life and my future on the possibility, the hope, the fantasy that maybe one day you’ll come back. I’m not prepared to do that. My life is too precious. I love you, but I love myself and my life more. And I have to move on now if you want a break. So I understand you want a break, but I’m going to treat this as a breakup and move on accordingly.”

Scott Fitzgerald once wrote, “The girl worth having won’t wait for anybody.” Make no mistake, people will come and go in life, but your time can never be replaced. Guard it like the precious jewel that it is.

And if you’re watching this and you realize that, now that you’re about to have this conversation, there is real heartache coming for you, I have a free guide on how to overcome heartbreak. You can find it below. I’ll link it up here. Know that you will be okay, know that you are enough, and know that you are loved. We’ll see you next week.

6 Responses to They Told You They Wanted a Break? The Perfect Response…

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  1. Skorpija says:

    I think theres no perfect answer. If he/she wants to brake, thats it.

  2. Paulette says:

    I wish I had this info before. It makes so much sense and if it makes sense..it’s true!

    Thanks so much for sharing!!

  3. Careen says:

    This is remind me to the past 5 years ago..
    I ve met the things you elaborate up there..
    One thing i hit the time.. when he said he wants me go to find an attorney to divide our things n he think to get marry n bring my eldest kid with him.. at that time.. we only ordinary people.. cause i sold a store house given by my dad few years before marriage.. we’ve little things..
    That time both our kids are 5 n 6 years old.. i can not imagine.. how to raise them up alone.. n face the judgement od surrounding..
    I keep silent n was confussion.. then went to my little brother home n tell him my strugles.. until i can accept the fact.. that i ve face long suffering
    Few years later.. i understand.. it is wrong to hold people whom want to go out from your life.. lots suffering come then.. me n my eldest daughter often getting lots beaten everytime we doing wrong according to his eyes.. until someday.. he feel old, tired n stop to beat us..
    Honestly.. i still feel grateful.. cause.. i know God works in everything in our life.. i feel happy still have my adorable kids until today.. even i’ve to drain my tears along the way..
    Thanks Matthew.. next time your words will be apply..
    No.. no.. i still choose to follow my God.. i know He always knows the best for His people

  4. I'm With Me Always says:

    Why bother with steps #1 & #2?

    Moving straight to Step 3 — a break UP — seems like the truly right move to me

    The ‘why’, or the ‘honesty’ around that ‘why’… well the honesty (assuming it ever was there to begin with, it may not have been) clearly stopped being there the instant the other person started thinking ‘break’ (or ‘break-up’, but they’re too ‘polite’ / timid / untruthful to say it).

    If I start to wonder ‘how long?’ the other person has felt like they couldn’t speak up in whatever this ‘situation’ is, then I KNOW they aren’t right for me either. My right person doesn’t agonize or doubt or suffer in silence. My right person has a stronger character than that, he speaks up or he lets it go.

    And ‘their’ reason(s) ‘why’ I am not ‘right’ for them, isn’t (aren’t) really my problem(s). Other than maybe an unessential to me behavior on my part that I feel like correcting, there’s nothing I can do for them.

    I’m not looking to be their therapist or their ‘second best’ thanks.

    And if I’m just a ‘pastime’ for a person, well then I’m going to pass ON that person immediately.

    I am who I am, I truly like me as I am & if all of a sudden I’m ‘wrong’ to them, then I’m wrong FOR them.

    No need to be wishy-washy about whatever is bothering you. Say it & leave already without looking back.

    I know how to be happy being just with myself, I don’t need someone else to be my happiness, I make my own & I have since I was a child.

    And Question 2 is just ‘what?!?!’.
    I don’t see a ‘team’ here.
    For all I know, maybe there never was a team here.

    I don’t want or need any life partner to be my therapist or my life coach or my Professor Henry Higgins. The name on my birth certificate isn’t ‘Miss Eliza Doolittle’. Pygmalion is a myth, it’s not a ‘how to’ manual for living one’s life.

    Limerence is a hell of a drug but it should never be confused with love.

  5. Charlie says:

    Hi Matt, thank you I really needed this. I have some personal questions on a related matter and would love your opinion if you could get back to me via email. Thank you.

  6. Marilyn says:

    That is exactly what I said to my ex and the father of one of my sons seven years ago and I moved to a new city with my three sons… I have never regretted it… It was one of the best decissions I’ve had in my life…

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