As I’ve said before on this blog, I’m not a big texter (although I’ve tried to get better).
For me, too many texts back-and-forth all day, especially in dating, tends to turn things kind of bland.
I don’t know how to explain why exactly. Maybe it kills all the mystery. Maybe it’s just distracting to keep checking my phone all day. Or maybe it’s because I have a belief that texting should be fun, quick messages that “spark joy” (to use a term by Marie Kondo), instead of them being a substitute for real-life conversations you could be having in person.
I know this isn’t a popular opinion.
Most people keep in touch constantly on Facebook chat, or Instagram, or Whatsapp, tapping away and keeping multiple conversations going while they go about their day. And that’s fine. I’m not saying my “short and sweet” policy of texting should be adopted by everyone.
But in dating, I think we can lose something by having TOO MANY personal conversations over a messaging app. I often find it build the excitement more to see someone after a week and properly catch up, instead of having a constant news cycle of their text messages to keep me updated on their movements every day.
I prefer to be someone who has a few messages back and forth, and then says, “I better get back to work now, but can’t wait to see your face this weekend! x”, and carry on with my day, rather than the person checking their phone in five minute intervals for hours on end to keep picking up the thread on a conversation that has long since gone stale.
Again, this isn’t a popular opinion. And it is just an opinion.
But I think there’s a lot to be gained by saving some conversations for meeting in-person. I like it when I meet my friends who I haven’t seen in a week or two and get to catch up on their news and gossip.
Maybe you LOVE texting, and I know I won’t be able to convince you otherwise. But with the guy you’re dating, consider leaving more of your conversations when they’re on a high, rather than always allowing them to die down until you’re scraping the barrel for something to say.
A quick, adorable message to the guy you’re dating, like, “Gotta run, going out to have dinner with my housemates. But I’ll be secretly thinking about your cute dimples all evening. x”, does more to get his heart racing than yet another stale text conversation what happened at work today.
Use text messages because you have something to say, not because you have nothing to do.
What’s your view? Do you feel like you text too much with guys you’re dating? Let me know in the comments below.
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Want more copy-and-paste texts? Grab the 9 Texts Guide so you always have text messages that can melt his heart…
After having some relationships which I later realized were heavily driven by text messages rather then by in person chemistry and bonding… I completely agree. I also think that early in a relationship to much texting creates a false sense of intimacy that doesn’t translate in person. Especially when it comes to online dating. What people convey over text sometimes isn’t as easy as in person. Or you build up this character of who they are but then in person they aren’t that character.
I’d prefer even a 10 minute phone call then hours of texting.
I agree with all you said above.Texting and these apps nowadays makes it easy for people to hide behind them and forget that one the other side there is another person.what happened to face to face meetings.
Absolutely agree, Stephen. Although, I have to admit I am also a loner and lean towards texting sparingly. I once dated a guy who loved texting so for me it dampened my desire because texting throughout the day, every day does get boring. I’d rather leave texting for fun, short messages and catch up properly face to face. And I appreciate real human interaction, not interfacing with my phone.
Thank you for this. I think this info can apply to more than just dating relationships. Whether it’s a friend or a guy I’m interested in, there is nothing more annoying than someone who feels they MUST text me 24/7. When someone does that to me, I usually end up pulling away. It’s as if that person has no life apart from me. It’s creepy. lol! Keep it short and sweet, and do the catching up face to face. :)
99% of our communication via text, the situation I was engaged like “Pavlovs dog”. Always wanted just drop the ball, but he keeps coming back for same. I found your book very new and creative. Want more each time I listen
I met this guy on a camping trip with some friends. He is a good friend of my best friend’s husband. He is in the military and stationed in a different state, so I had not met him previously. There was instant attraction on my part (even though he isn’t anything I pictured my future husband looking like) and I felt like he was interested too. My friend said he kept bringing me up after I left.
I told my friend I was interested and she instantly said “He would move here for you.” Which stunned me and I’m sure I looked confused. She instantly starting back pedaling that she would ask her husband what he thought and try to feel out the situation. She keeps doing this… she will say something like he is interested then say she doesn’t know. He is leaving for Korea for a 9 month deployment, so she mentioned he may be hesitant to start something.
I waited two weeks and sent a friend request. He accepted three days later. I thought he might message me, but I found out he is at training in the desert. So he has limited internet access. I know when he is deployed there will be limited communication. I guess I want him to be thinking about me he is gone and the possibility of us when he gets back.
Anyways, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this guy and would like to at least open communication since he is leaving soon for 9 months. Is it okay to message him? I know I’m not going to be able to see him, face to face, so should I even try?
I totally agree with you. Important to save some conversation for face to face and make it 3 dimensional with all senses activated. Technology can be a double-edged sword. Handle with care. Being there in the flesh takes the conversation to a high level and another opportunity to get excited about your guy and intimate.
Although I do find this medium fantastic for sexy talk. ;)
Francine Huot
fhuot007@rogers.com
http://www.mediastrata.info
I absolutly agree! Having just experienced a long distance relationship where it though is essential to keep the contact by texting and skype calls flowing. But the back and forth massaging until the conversation dyes down, leaves you with kind of nothing to talk about when you actually sit down and have that skype call, and everything starts to get dull and unconfutable just staring at each other with nothing new to say… So keeping it short and exiting, is defiantly noted ;)
I agree! I always tell my friends I hate “cupcaking” all day via text.id rather meet up amd enjoy the live company of the guy I am dating. It leaves more excitement and I definitely want to see them more when I haven’t spent all my time texting back and forth. Boring!. Great blog post!
I like texting because I’m not a talker. It’s convenient. You can leave you phone and do other things and check your phone and reply… What’s so bad about that?
Sadly I save my covos for “live talk” and it never seems like the right time or not important enough. :( I wind up not texting calling or talking. Or its really disappointing when you do talk and no one is interested in what you’re saying. Texting does save that let down …
My ex and I used to get into fights and create hard feelings in text, often because of a misunderstanding. I like that I can be more thoughtful with my words and get them just right, but I’ve learned the hard way to save text for the silly and light hearted stuff. I’ve since vowed to not use text (or email) for anything difficult or serious, and instead use it to either ask quick questions, communicate logistics, or to get someone to laugh or feel flattered. I do like it as a way to keep a connection of some kind until I can see someone again…
I feel like the instant connection culture has set false expectations. Instead of accepting they have a life and should be engaged in other activities, I become insecure and wonder if they are starting a slow fade if the flow of conversation changes. Constant dialogue and connection is not sustainable nor really healthy, at least for me.
Hey, i just snapped somehow when i read this ! Yes it’s not a popular opinion but i think it’s true to a group of people especially men who are ambitious. Thanks for the advice! I know how to start off the next time…if i ever have anyway.
This is so true. Actually, I’m even getting annoyed if someone wants to text all the time and asks the same shallow questions over and over again. I want to have a part of my life that I don’t have to share with everyone else, and I don’t want to constantly report back everything I do to a boyfriend – or anyone else. Let me just chill in my bed without having to text you (and tell you how unproductive I am in that moment).
It’s so easy to feel smothered by this constant texting, and so easy to feel hurt because you always suspect something’s wrong, when nothing actually is, only bc he or she is not texting as much as he/she used to.
There are enough ways to sabotage a relationship already. :D I’d really like to get rid of my mobilephone sometimes, seeing how much time I waste using it. But than again, i’m already relying on it for way too much
I am so happy you wrote this blog, Stephen. I thought I was the only one who felt this way about texting. It seems Iike everyone I know is always on their phone texting. Honestly, it has made me feel like a loser, loner, weirdo, etc. because I don’t text like they do. I’ve been trying to force myself to text often, so people don’t think I don’t care about them and stop texting me for good. However, I still hate texting all the time. I can’t explain why. This happens every time: I get so excited to see someone’s name pop up on my phone, however, after what feels like a millions texts later, I want to shoot my phone, so I’ll have an excuse to never use it again. Haha!
Maybe you’re not at that extreme level of not liking 24/7 texting. I’m just happy you feel somewhat like I do about it. I feel I can stop wondering about what’s wrong with me and just accept myself for who I am. :)
Thank you for all you do, Stephen, Matthew, and crew. Much love. ❤
I much prefer a face to face conversation over text I save that for when I don’t see people as much but when I am with someone I much prefer to hear they’re voice over a text any day!!
I agree with you completely, on all the points. But what are the rules for a (very) long distance relationship? We can only see each other every 3 months so what should our texting habits be?!
I completely agree with you Stephen. Although my last relationship was long distance, so texting throughout the day helped us a lot. But if we lived near one another, I wouldn’t have been texting that much. I love having face to face conversation, it gives us the ability to read body language and facial expressions to gage where each other are and for conveying emotion. Texting is a way for people to not have to get emotionally close to other..well texting too much is what I mean. Great article Stephen!
Love this. In fact, I could use your help…I liked a guys he eventually got round to asking me out. I used every trick in the Matthew hidden book; how to talk to men. I used the secret scripts on the dates. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. And I even did the you tube video text Matthew did when he says how to tell a guy you’re walking away because he’s not giving enough. And NONE of it changed his mind or brought him round. He still used the same boring texts. He still didn’t make an effort, and he didn’t even bat an eyelid when I told him I was outta there. Where did I go wrong?