As I’ve said before on this blog, I’m not a big texter (although I’ve tried to get better).
For me, too many texts back-and-forth all day, especially in dating, tends to turn things kind of bland.
I don’t know how to explain why exactly. Maybe it kills all the mystery. Maybe it’s just distracting to keep checking my phone all day. Or maybe it’s because I have a belief that texting should be fun, quick messages that “spark joy” (to use a term by Marie Kondo), instead of them being a substitute for real-life conversations you could be having in person.
I know this isn’t a popular opinion.
Most people keep in touch constantly on Facebook chat, or Instagram, or Whatsapp, tapping away and keeping multiple conversations going while they go about their day. And that’s fine. I’m not saying my “short and sweet” policy of texting should be adopted by everyone.
But in dating, I think we can lose something by having TOO MANY personal conversations over a messaging app. I often find it build the excitement more to see someone after a week and properly catch up, instead of having a constant news cycle of their text messages to keep me updated on their movements every day.
I prefer to be someone who has a few messages back and forth, and then says, “I better get back to work now, but can’t wait to see your face this weekend! x”, and carry on with my day, rather than the person checking their phone in five minute intervals for hours on end to keep picking up the thread on a conversation that has long since gone stale.
Again, this isn’t a popular opinion. And it is just an opinion.
But I think there’s a lot to be gained by saving some conversations for meeting in-person. I like it when I meet my friends who I haven’t seen in a week or two and get to catch up on their news and gossip.
Maybe you LOVE texting, and I know I won’t be able to convince you otherwise. But with the guy you’re dating, consider leaving more of your conversations when they’re on a high, rather than always allowing them to die down until you’re scraping the barrel for something to say.
A quick, adorable message to the guy you’re dating, like, “Gotta run, going out to have dinner with my housemates. But I’ll be secretly thinking about your cute dimples all evening. x”, does more to get his heart racing than yet another stale text conversation what happened at work today.
Use text messages because you have something to say, not because you have nothing to do.
What’s your view? Do you feel like you text too much with guys you’re dating? Let me know in the comments below.
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Once upon a time I used to think that would be a great way to communicate especially since I’m painfully shy…but I have changed my mind…I’m not big into texting, I don’t even own a cell phone…but I can send emails and I have been on Google hangouts…I’ve realized that you miss the human connection and interaction that tends to make things more real…a text can’t show that special look, smile or give your hand a caress…
Yeah, cool… what abour long distance relationships?
Me mexican, him canadian…
Thank you Stephen. Spot on. This really applies with online dating. Incessant back and forth texting often builds a false connection that just isn’t there when you actually meet. I set up a rule for online dating – minimal communication between texts and phone until we actually meet. It’s then you know instantly if it’s going anywhere and you haven’t invested too much time. Possibility uneccesarrily.
I have also found the constant texting a way of finding out if a guy is needy. If I’m not responding straightaway or there is a delay in response.. ( I’m not talking days, maybe 1/2hr to hr) and they decide to point that out in an annoyed way- I know they are not the guy for me. I chose not to sit by my phone waiting fir a guys message. I have a life.
“Use text messages because you have something to say, not because you have nothing to do”. Gotta say, that sentence sums it up nicely for me. I’d much rather the in-person contact than having to text someone all the time.
I agree with this entirely. I’m someone who texts a lot and I know it gets too much. Sometimes I can catch myself and stop and other times I feel I’ve gone too far with it where it becomes boring. It’s a hard habit to break! I wish there was more conversing on the phone and face to face. We’ve become so dependant on our phones and when you get together with people, everyone just stares at their phones anyways.
omg I’m so guilty for texting! I am currently seeing a guy – very early stages. He isn’t on his phone a lot and I found myself annoyed with the lack of communication. But we see each other as often as our schedules allow. We have great conversations and we do text once or twice a day.
My monkey mind still tells me he’s not that interested, but I guess that’s just because I don’t know his history yet. he doesn’t know mine either to be fair. (man i hate these early stages on not knowing)
Hmm, really got me thinking! Maybe it’s not a bad thing that we are always readily available! I know he’s not (not in a malicious way, just not online for half to full days).
SOOOO, does that mean I should stop responding immediately? I’m quick at responding (to everyone) and I don’t want to play games. But also want him to have to earn the dates a little, like Matthew always talks about… DILEMMA! Please help :/
I’m of the ‘old (very old!) school’…..I have a mobile phone that does texts and calls only…no internet, photos etc! (ok, I’m SO out of touch, but I don’t care!). I am deliberately seeing how long I can go without having to buy a smart phone! I text when needs be, and nothing more; but I have noticed that people don’t ‘speak’ anymore on the landline phone…even my family….it’s quite sad and worrying, especially for the next generation. I am currently going through a major stressful life change and it would be so nice if people actually rang you up and had a conversation with a kind, compassionate tone of voice, instead of texting, which can be read so wrongly sometimes, as it doesn’t ‘speak’ with a voice! Gone are the days when people said ‘I’ll give you a ring’!….it’s very sad. I also don’t like the fact that texts seem to mean you should be available to answer all the time! Good blog Stephen :-)
What if you are in a long distantce relationahip ?
I think this is absolutely true. I used to adopt this with my ex fiance, but when we broke up and got back together, one day I was so tired and I was so emotional that I spent hours talking to try to make him know how tired I was. It didn’t go well and we broke up again. Then I realized why in the first place I hate messages. The person on the other side can’t feel u.
I had friend who bothered me and txt me a lot, then I didnt notice that I get used to it and later on I fell on Him… So I stop texting him.. Cause hes a flirt.. Maybe txting will work for others..
I loved this article and will return to it often to remind myself that I am not alone in feeling this way – thank you!
I have a LDR with a man who is attentive and texts a lot, but is lazy with the phone. We have spent a lot of time texting back and forth for days on end in the past and we always end up fighting or feeling bad, we NEVER argue on the phone or when we are together and I firmly believe that over-texting causes this needy anxiety dynamic between us when just a little less contact would actually be much healthier. I am realising that my standard is to just touch in once or twice a day on text – maybe say goodnight, but that I require personal contact on the phone to really remain invested. I am hoping that by being a little scarcer on text, we might actually redicover the joy of talking on the phone.
Amen!
I agree, I was dating a guy who lived an hour away a month ago we would see each other on weekends and would text everyday to keep the connection going. I think all the texting just caused it to get stale for him. He ended up telling me he couldn’t do the distance any longer and I think the next time I date I’ll definitely take this in consideration.
I am with you on that opinion!! Couldn’t agree more I prefer to catch up in person rather then with text unless they live far from me and that’s the only real way to keep in touch til I get to travel them and visit
My guy is overseas, deployed somewhere… Otherwise I’d agree.
So true. Over texting turns into white noise. By creating the mystery and not being so available,this will heighten mind stimulation and increase the want to spend time with you.
Sending him a text that is genuine, timely and occasionally sexy will do wonders for your relationship and sex life!!
This text comes on time for me. The issue for me is, does texting or not reflects to which level is the guy into his girl?
Agree totally with this now.. . I use to text all the time with men from dating apps. But the let down of putting in a few days solid commincation to nothing would hit me hard. Im more selctive now with who and what i text. I dont want or need loads of men knowing so much about me to not even get off the ground. . Wasted investment totally x
I have definatly been guilty of this ‘over messaging’ in the past. To be honest it’s still hard for me now. I met a guy on a dating site and the texts were flowing everyday till we met. Then I noticed after we met the texts died down quite a lot. We are still seeing each other but I’m in that kind of ‘how does he actually feel about me stage’. The early stages of a possible relationship are the hardest where your setting your standards but also like them a lot and want to hear from them all the time. A conversation on the phone is definatly better , the problem with texting is you don’t get the feelings behind what someone is saying. Short sweet texts maybe in the morning or before bed are what I’m trying to do now , instead of the constant update during the day.
I agree with your opinion… And I just realized that both the guy I was dating and I, just texted because we didn’t had anything to do, we didn’t know what to say and he would just send me emojis and I don’t wanting to let it die, would reply but you’re right… It’s better to use it just to schedule the next date or cute things like “I’m home” or “Was nice to see you” but also I have the thought that if texting too much is very similar to not that interested so I just text…
But next time I date someone, I will keep in mind about the texting situation so things don’t get low again I guess… Thank you for your opinion and advise…!