This is article #29 to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.
(Photo: Daniel Lee)
The philosopher Alain De Botton says the best diet is to have something more fun lined up than continuing to eat.
I kind of think something similar about dating. The best plan for your love life is to have something better to do than getting a guy.
That might seem to run contrary to everything Get the Guy teaches. We tell women they should be pro-active. We tell women they can make the first move. We say waiting for Prince Charming is such a bogus strategy that even Disney got fed up of championing it after fifty years of their romantic propaganda.
But there’s a crucial distinction here that people miss: Being pro-active in your love life doesn’t mean you only focus on your love life. It doesn’t mean chasing as many dates as possible and pursuing every potential guy as if he’s the only catch in the world.
There are two areas we need to work on to improve our chances of finding someone amazing:
Area No. 1: Creating opportunities
Area No. 2: Making ourselves more choosable
The most frustrated women I meet at Matt’s seminars are usually doing too much of one without the other.
For example: First of all you get the woman who has the job of her dreams. She’s popular, smart, and fashionable, and all her friends think she’s amazing, except for one problem: She never meets any guys. This woman never puts herself on the line, and runs from every potential chance to meet a man. She’s a desirable catch many great guys would choose to date, but she never creates opportunities to get chosen. (i.e. she does lots of Area No. 2, but no Area No. 1).
Another kind of woman is the opposite: She chases guys a lot. Likely too much. She spends lots of her free time idly texting guys for attention instead of doing something that will make her more interesting, more rounded, more passionate about her life. She finds herself always trying to put herself out there and meet men, and maybe she even gets some dates out of it.
But the guys she ends up dating flake on her a lot. They get bored with her quickly and she struggles to keep them intrigued for long. Can you see the problem here? She creates plenty of opportunities to get chosen, but hasn’t spent any time making herself choosable. (i.e. too much Area No. 1, not enough Area No. 2).
How To Balance Pro-activity
Matt always says “Wait or Create”. But you also have to create in the right areas.
It’s like trying to win your dream job. If you bombard your future employer with endless emails and pleas for a position, they will probably be turned off by your seeming desperation and start to see you as lower value than you are.
But it’s also no good being the perfect candidate if you rest on your laurels and never risk getting a few knock-backs and hearing “no” now and again.
So pro-activity isn’t enough. We have to allocate our energies to different areas and manage both equally.
We have to balance out our different missions that lead to the bigger prize.
One woman’s mission might be: Meet more desirable guys.
But there’s another mission that requires just as much consideration: Become a desirable woman.
The first mission creates opportunities. The other makes us more choosable and more likely to seize those opportunities when they arise.
In the beginning this will all feel like a lot of investment. But it only takes a tiny investment every day. It can mean being just 10% more chatty or sexy when you go out. It can mean pursuing that passion that makes you more intriguing, or learning conversational techniques to be more interesting on dates, or adopting a few good habits such as working out and eating well so that you feel incredible and enjoy your own body.
Once you get going, and have these two areas working together, you’ll have built a system for attracting great guys consistently, and you’ll start to feel like you get to do the choosing in your love life. See, anyone can get lucky once. But then when you lose someone amazing, it’s easy to get needy and insecure; it’s easy to cling to one person and become obsessive if you don’t believe you can ever attract a great guy again. But if you have these two areas covered, you can move ahead with confidence: BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SYSTEM THAT WORKS. No, it won’t always deliver the love of your life to your doorstep, but it does mean you will always be desirable to high status, confident guys.
Keep it simple and divide it into the two areas above. This will give you focus on the bigger picture when you learn the techniques Matt talks about in his books and programmes.
Which area do you currently need to work on right now to improve your love life? Let me know in the comments below.
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67 Replies to “Two Essential Ways To Consistently Attract Great Guys Into Your Life”
First one to comment? I must either be very dedicated, desperate or just arrived at the right time! Keep writing Mat, or Stephen, your stuff is good :)
Thanks Yas, plenty more to come! Glad you enjoyed it :)
Thx for the article. For me it was always about working so hard and results will follow. for these situations i gess you need more.
Working hard is an excellent start though ;) But I think people get frustrated when they work hard in the wrong areas and then wonder why results don’t happen. So we need a targeted approach as well.
Love this Stephen!
Thanks Grace! x
Both areas need work :)
I look forward to your articles :)
Thank you so much !!!
God bless u
Thank you Lorine, that’s lovely to hear.
I just love how reading this put everything I sorta knew together in a way that makes it clear and that gives me a good idea of what to do.
I definitely need to work on both parts and would love to hear more ways of being more interesting. I am just about to watch the “conversation” module of impact so it should be a good start ;)
Thanks Stephen! Always love your point of view!
Yes, that will be a perfect start Lily. I also did a piece on “Easy Ways To Have Deeper Conversations” here if you’d like to read it: http://www.gettheguy.co.uk/blog/easy-ways-to-have-deep-conversations-and-get-guys-to-open-up-to-you/
Thanks for your lovely comment,
For me it’s being choosable. I’m not really on the dating market, but I don’t find it hard to attract guys. They do initiate/come to me, and I have no issue doing the same.
I just want to have a more exxiting life of my own… I’d like more things that are exiting for me to do while still being something I can tell others about without being the nerd loving insects, stamps or software – it’s a bad conversational topic, you don’t exactly sound cool. One can’t really answer the question “has anything interesting/exiting/thrilling happened this weekend? In my or the nerds head the answer is yes, but it’s not the kind of thing one can tell about. I know it sounds shallow or really pathetic but i’d like to find things that gets me out of my home creating experiences, while still making a good impression on people when they ask about my life. I find it difficult to crack that nut though.
I’d love to get some advice about this.
Hey, listen: it’s some guys ultimate fantasy to find girls who share their enthusiasm for nerdy stuff. If I could find a girl who shared my love of video games and Adventure Time I’d be all over them ;)
I think it goes back to what Matt says when he talks about having complementary values: it’s good to show a nerdy side now and then, alongside an outdoorsy/active/sporty side. It’s not about one side being better than the other. Check out this article I wrote on this subject: It basically says it doesn’t matter if you’re more of one kind of personality type i.e. sexy, sporty, nurturing, intellectual, nerdy, outdoorsy. It matters more that a guy sees you can be ALL these different characters at different times: http://www.gettheguy.co.uk/blog/top-4-traits-men-want-in-our-dream-woman-3-might-surprise-you/
Hope that helps!
Video games and Adventure Time? You sound just like my brother. (I enjoy those things in moderation too-not that I’m trying to make a move on you here, or anything ;) )
A multi divorced dad was recently bemoaning the fact his son had recently moved in with a new girlfriend and hadn’t mentioned love once! His son had told him she was quiet and amenable, didn’t mind him playing his x-box and all his friends thought she was fit. I was laughing to myself thinking this lad had obviously met the girl of his dreams.
I need to work on creating more opportunities to find more high status, confident guys. I just met this really fun and interesting guy, but he wants to keep things casual. I think he wants to pull his life together before he’d become interested in getting involved in a committed relationship. I seem to meet this kind of guy a lot. I think if I met a guy who was more choosable himself,I wouldn’t have this problem. Now I’m fixated on this guy because I don’t have any other choices.
Then creating opportunities is definitely your target area Leona. This is an interesting breed of guy you mention, and they are very frequent in their mid-late twenties. These are guys who feel like they need more time to get their career and other elements of their life in order before they want to give to a relationship. Usually trying to alter a guy like this is a waste of time, at least until he’s certain he wants to be with someone.
I say keep getting out there. One of the best ways to get a guy to make a decision is to prove that you have other options to pursue.
It’s encouraging to read advice which I am already familiar with and, currently working on. I took my self out of the game, so to speak, a few years ago (OK, 5. I know, 5 years is a long time…), to build my business and work on my historical issues which were hurting my life by influencing the decisions I was making. I decided I wanted to be the kind of woman who would attract the kind of man I wanted. And I knew the type – I had already dated ‘him’ a few times, I just couldn’t ‘keep it together’, after the initial flush because there was no congruency in what I presented and who I felt I was. And that hurt. A lot.
The problem is that, now, I’ve been out of the game for so long that I don’t know how to get from A to C. Going on dates is easy; I’ve been on many, this year, but not one of them has gone on to the next stage. Sure, I’m better at speaking with men; it helps that I actually like myself, now and that I feel confident in my physical attractiveness, but it’s as though I’ve spent so much time intellectualising my life, that the practical art of living is the bit I can’t quite get my hands on.
Once again, a very well thought out article. I appreciate how you simplify what can feel like a complex proposal into a neat blog post.
Thanks for sharing this Heather. I know exactly what you mean about congruency: it really takes time to feel that your internal confidence matches who you project on the outside. This is something Matt talks about a lot on his weekends and retreats when he discusses the importance of self-love and the need to truly taking care of yourself and have your own back.
The fact that you’re dating is a very good sign. Just take the pressure off now and enjoy being out there, instead of being too analytical about it. A lot of success in dating is about being able to let go and express yourself in an authentic way and not take things too seriously. This helps give off a fun and magnetic vibe so people enjoy being around you and want to pursue you more.
You want to mix those traits of being warm and fun, whilst also not giving too much of a shit and being certain in what you want.
Take care Heather.
So true! You brothers complement each other’s material really well.
Good points :)
Thanks Roz! Appreciate it.
I have been doing all that all along and always feel I haven’t wasted my life/time as a result of it no matter what dating life has brought on I have always worked at bettering myself! And as Matt said when he used the metaphor: work on the business and the revenue will come, don’t worry so much if during ne quarter the revenue is down lol you are the business so work on improving the business he says…I live by that principal :)
Thanks so much for reposting the extra info/link on conversations…
Thank you for posting this. I am the 1st type of woman mentioned. I’ve locked myself a way for a long time and am now ready to be within instead of without. (See what I did there?) I’m currently working on myself. Working out, socializing with friends and trying new things. I’m having lots of fun. The love life is kind of low on the list but I’m working on bumping it up some. Thanks again for yet another excellent post.
Thank you Lydell. The trick is to just make different things a priority at different times. Even busy people need to bring socializing to the top of their list sometimes in order to retain strong relationships with family and friends. The mistake is to ALWAYS put one area too low or too high, which is when people begin to miss out on things.
Thanks for commenting :)
Such a great article! Thank you.
I’m a little bit of both. :-(
I’ve met some great guys lately, unfortunately two are in relationships and one I’m not sure.
I’m enjoying getting to know all three as it provides me with the opportunity to practice getting comfortable engaging with guys so that I’ll feel more comfortable when an opportunity presents itself. I’m doing other things too but do need to get out more.
Don’t worry Marla, everyone is a bit of both! Having guy friends can really help you get more comfortable, especially if they are quality to guys who can introduce you to their friends ;)
Keep at it! Just keep stretching the comfort zone an inch at a time.
All best, thanks for your kind words.
I also wanted to add I now have a good idea by speaking to these three of what a quality guy is and hopefully what to look for.
Excellent ton article et très belle référence.
C’est essentiel de se sentir bien dans sa peau,dans son travail pour être bien avec quelqu’un.
Ça s’applique autant pour les célibataires, que pour les personnes en couple.
I would say I am more the first girl then the second I do meet guys but not enough I need get more and meet guys for sure. A lot of times I got out with friends and such but I don’t always end up in places to meet guys unfortunately.
This article sums up a lot.
A bit off the topic…but are you and Matthew familiar with Cesar Millan? If not, you would find him fascinating. I’ve been going through the Impact program, and so much of what Matthew says makes me think of C. Millan.
You mean the guy that writes about dogs? That’s interesting… Any examples?
How do you get around the awkwardness of asking those guy friends if they know of anyone single to introduce you to?
I think asking directly can always make it a bit too high-pressure and awkward. It’s better to dip into his social circle (maybe just go out with him and his friends one night) and make an effort to introduce yourself to people your guy friend knows. Even if none of his friends float your boat, THEY might have other friends who do, so always be willing to make more connections as you never know who you might meet next.
Thank you so much Stephan, I’ve been the girl who is way too pro-active and running after accomplished, multi-talented and popular guys without much to offer on my side. Truth is, I’ve never been satisfied with my life and myself. There’s so much that I want to do, to be better at, but I have an important discipline problem to get me there. I am also afraid to follow my dreams, especially when it comes to choosing college majors, I always stick with what’s realistic and stable even though I know it’s not fit for me at all.
That’s really honest of you to admit Elle, I commend your self-awareness. From this position you can now redress the balance and do more to work on yourself (whilst also staying pro-active with guys). Throw yourself into something you can work hard on and take pleasure from on its own, and start to build your own life that guys will want to be a part of.
nice job Stephen! well written.
Thank you ann, that’s very kind of you to say.
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