Two Essential Ways To Consistently Attract Great Guys Into Your Life

This is article #29 to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

(Photo: Daniel Lee)

Enter Stephen

The philosopher Alain De Botton says the best diet is to have something more fun lined up than continuing to eat.

I kind of think something similar about dating. The best plan for your love life is to have something better to do than getting a guy.

That might seem to run contrary to everything Get the Guy teaches. We tell women they should be pro-active. We tell women they can make the first move. We say waiting for Prince Charming is such a bogus strategy that even Disney got fed up of championing it after fifty years of their romantic propaganda.

But there’s a crucial distinction here that people miss: Being pro-active in your love life doesn’t mean you only focus on your love life. It doesn’t mean chasing as many dates as possible and pursuing every potential guy as if he’s the only catch in the world.

There are two areas we need to work on to improve our chances of finding someone amazing:

Area No. 1: Creating opportunities

Area No. 2: Making ourselves more choosable

The most frustrated women I meet at Matt’s seminars are usually doing too much of one without the other.

For example: First of all you get the woman who has the job of her dreams. She’s popular, smart, and fashionable, and all her friends think she’s amazing, except for one problem: She never meets any guys. This woman never puts herself on the line, and runs from every potential chance to meet a man. She’s a desirable catch many great guys would choose to date, but she never creates opportunities to get chosen. (i.e. she does lots of Area No. 2, but no Area No. 1).

Another kind of woman is the opposite: She chases guys a lot. Likely too much. She spends lots of her free time idly texting guys for attention instead of doing something that will make her more interesting, more rounded, more passionate about her life. She finds herself always trying to put herself out there and meet men, and maybe she even gets some dates out of it.

But the guys she ends up dating flake on her a lot. They get bored with her quickly and she struggles to keep them intrigued for long. Can you see the problem here? She creates plenty of opportunities to get chosen, but hasn’t spent any time making herself choosable. (i.e. too much Area No. 1, not enough Area No. 2).

How To Balance Pro-activity

Matt always says “Wait or Create”. But you also have to create in the right areas.

It’s like trying to win your dream job. If you bombard your future employer with endless emails and pleas for a position, they will probably be turned off by your seeming desperation and start to see you as lower value than you are.

But it’s also no good being the perfect candidate if you rest on your laurels and never risk getting a few knock-backs and hearing “no” now and again.

So pro-activity isn’t enough. We have to allocate our energies to different areas and manage both equally.

We have to balance out our different missions that lead to the bigger prize.

One woman’s mission might be: Meet more desirable guys.

But there’s another mission that requires just as much consideration: Become a desirable woman.

The first mission creates opportunities. The other makes us more choosable and more likely to seize those opportunities when they arise.

In the beginning this will all feel like a lot of investment. But it only takes a tiny investment every day. It can mean being just 10% more chatty or sexy when you go out. It can mean pursuing that passion that makes you more intriguing, or learning conversational techniques to be more interesting on dates, or adopting a few good habits such as working out and eating well so that you feel incredible and enjoy your own body. 

Once you get going, and have these two areas working together, you’ll have built a system for attracting great guys consistently, and you’ll start to feel like you get to do the choosing in your love life. See, anyone can get lucky once. But then when you lose someone amazing, it’s easy to get needy and insecure; it’s  easy to cling to one person and become obsessive if you don’t believe you can ever attract a great guy again. But if you have these two areas covered, you can move ahead with confidence: BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SYSTEM THAT WORKS. No, it won’t always deliver the love of your life to your doorstep, but it does mean you will always be desirable to high status, confident guys.

Keep it simple and divide it into the two areas above. This will give you focus on the bigger picture when you learn the techniques Matt talks about in his books and programmes.

Which area do you currently need to work on right now to improve your love life? Let me know in the comments below.

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68 Responses to Two Essential Ways To Consistently Attract Great Guys Into Your Life

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  1. lan says:

    Hello Stephen, I think I need to work on both, but my problem is “although I do want romance but I always feel like I’m not ready for it, cuz my life is constantly in a mess, it’s been a mess since I was born, guys would say they don’t want to commit because they haven’t got the financial level they want to achieve yet, but for girls there are the same problem of not being ready”, do you think romance is sth that you should be get ready for before you allow it enter into your life. or we should just have fun for the sake of it.

  2. Roxie says:

    I just discovered this blog and I am hooked! Great article. I’m currently single/ dating, and I think I have a lot of room to grow in the ‘become more choosable’ department. This may sound odd but I’m actually motivated to one-up myself after every relationship that ends (assuming they will all end until the one that doesn’t). So I agree that it’s important to have passions and hobbies.

    Could the choice of a woman’s hobbies and passions, however, unintentionally make her un-relatable, less attractive, and less desirable to men? How important is it that the “well-roundedness” and “passions” that make a woman “choosable” are things a man can actually relate to or connect with on some level? Is there a difference between ‘multi-faceted’ or ‘interesting’, and ‘choosable’?

    I can fully see why guys would choose my girl friends who play sports, run marathons, and brew beer over me in regards to “desirable”, because that stuff is hot in a man’s eyes, let’s be honest. But that’s not who I am. I’m the ‘blog for fun, exercise consistently but alone, knitter, dance classes’ kind of chick. Does my preferred choice of hobbies make me lower on the scale of “choosability”?

  3. Ioana says:

    Thanks for the article, really enjoyed it and I do find it very helpful! I think I’m too much on area 2, but less on the first one. I’m working on it, but guess I wouldn’t mind if you had more ( general ) tips on how to do this! Thanks! :)

  4. Mo says:

    this is SO spot on! I’m clearly #2 – and i probably come across as too readily available to the guys who do ask me out etc therefore lowering my value.

    thanks for another great post guys!

  5. ally says:

    I’m too much of no 1… and run away from the opportunity, definitely something I need to improve on.

  6. Nancy says:

    For a moment there I thought you were directly speaking too me.

    I’m the second person with too much #1, not enough #2 !! Thanks for this, as I’m actually trying to stop this behavior, reading these words … has given me the extra push over the edge that I needed !! Wish me luck !!

  7. phoenix says:

    Great post! You had me at Alain de Botton, my nerd crush. :) I fall firmly into Area #2 and I know I need more balance in my life.

  8. nadia says:

    Hi Stephen ,guys don’t accept coz of my look “beauty i mean ” I can’t change my face :) ,some want me just for my money …what can i do ???

  9. Zoe Douglas says:

    What a great post Stephen,

    Just the tonic I needed to read today.

    I would class myself as successful, attractive, hard working, passionate but have never really focused those qualities in other parts off my life other than work and friends and made excuses like I’m too busy to do other things.

    Ive started to look to create other things to do that Ive always wanted too and have started climbing and archery, and already I see a difference in myself that has actually stopped me looking as such for a man, as Im immersing myself in other things and really happy for it.

    Your post just confirmed I’m doing the right thing and I know someone will come along from this better me. :-)

    Have a great day X

  10. Melissa Long says:

    I think I’m lacking in both areas. I’m not very confident or approachable. I keep getting the guys that see me as an object and not a person. There are several guys that continue to contact me even after it didn’t work out. One I was interested in but he live 2 1/2 hrs. I’m starting to feel discouraged.

  11. Raquel says:

    Stephen great article like always and at first I thought I need both. But then a. Revatlation came while driving. (Yes I get the guys article are constantly on my mind). And I need more of no.1 creating opportunities. I always have events I’d like Togo to but don’t have anyone to go with. So my major problem is not knowing enough people it’s finising people that are actually available and open to do things

    Thanks Stephen

    • Judith says:

      Just go alone! A wonderful woman as yourself doesn’t need to wait for anyone else, go and check out the things you’re interested in!

  12. A. says:

    I’m working on both. At the same time. You know me, it’s hard to have my life be passionate and interesting to me *and* still even think about meeting guys at the same time.

    I can only try.


    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Just do both little and often. Or switch between one and the other at different times. Often they both can go hand in hand i.e. when you’re being more sociable and living a passionate life, you tend to attract/meet more people as you go along (you just have to make the extra 10% of effort to ensure you introduce yourself and give people the chance to notice you).

      All best A,

      Steve x

  13. Kathryn says:

    Alain De Botton must have a fun filled life, as he looks like quite a slim chap. I like the maxim, ‘nothing tastes as good as slim feels’. Helps with healthy eating.
    There’s irony in the fact that women are more desirable and alluring when they are in love. So pursuing an active, fulfilling life is important but having something you are passionate about raises you to another level.
    Dating is often used to gauge seriousness and levels of commitment when it should be used for fun interactions and assess a compatibility or otherwise on both sides. It’s not a place for raising the stakes too high, on a mission to prove your worth means you’ve placed the man on a pedestal he might not deserve to be on. If you’ve got serious chemistry it’s almost impossible not to act like a complete sap anyway, you have to be resigned to some failures. Successful businessmen when negotiating a deal will always be willing to walk away without feeling like a failure, often returning on better terms or onto a better deal.
    Nice to have an article this week, thank you Stephen : )
    Kathryn x

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Hey Kathryn,

      LOVE this line: “Dating is often used to gauge seriousness and levels of commitment when it should be used for fun interactions and assess a compatibility or otherwise on both sides”

      If more people dated this way they would actually enjoy the process. I’d also add: Only go on dates to places you would want to go to anyway.

      Thanks, hope you’re well,

      Stephen x

  14. Rivy says:

    great article, totally related to the part where you say that when you meet a great guy and it ends, their is an insecure feeling of not finding another great guy.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Exactly Rivy, that’s why so many people find it hard to move on. It’s always going to be difficult, but it’s even worse if you see no possible better future without that person.

      Thanks for commenting :)

      Stephen x

      • Rivy says:

        hey stephen, I am actually going through that right now. To be honest the part where the relationship ends is not my major problem but the part where they just stop contacting me or to actually just let me know that they don’t want to continue the relationship. I feel like thats where my insecurity comes and rears its ugly head.
        I was recently dating someone for about 2 weeks and all of a sudden they just stopped contacting me, I called and texted but they never contacted me back. I know i shouldnt have jumped into conclusion and assume that it was me, maybe they had something going on in their life, or maybe something happened to their phone. I was getting so paranoid and anxious that we havent spoken in a few days that i contacted his place of work. I know i shouldnt have done that but i was so scarred of loosing a great thing. I guess all i want is closure because i know that I must have already ruined any potential for a long term relationship. what should i do to get over this sooner? what should i do in general?

  15. kish says:

    Hi Stephen

    Thanks for yet another wonderful post. I was just thinking about this insecurity that I’ve been having and found it mentioned in this article. I have always felt that if I got lucky once I would always worry about losing that person because I have no way of knowing if I would ever be able to attract another one again if things should fall apart. So thanks for advocating for having a SYSTEM in place. That is the only thing that will give me confidence to be able to find another guy.

    I believe I have problem #1–but mostly that I do not meet any *quality* men. Sometimes I wonder if there are any guys out there for me. I don’t have impossible standards and most of them are focused on character and values. I just want a normal guy like me who is compatible and with whom I have great chemistry. But rarely do I meet a quality man who could be my true equal. I do not expect to meet ONLY high quality men but at least a steady stream so I have choices. I have given many chances to men I didn’t think were all that great–but I never developed any feelings/attraction for them. Besides, they eventually stopped pursuing me.

    How does one get a steady stream of good quality guys? Educated, financially secure, reasonably fit and attractive, kind, interesting and fun? Is that too much to ask? I can offer all those things and more!

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thanks for your comments Kish, glad the article helped. :)

      Quality guys are everywhere. Unfortunately there is no one place they all congregate where you can just have your pick. That’s why Matt always gives out tools in his books and programmes that allow women to meet and attract guys anytime, anywhere. At first, just go for meeting more guys – increase the quantity. When you have a couple of good guys you know and are friendly with, hang out in their social circles and you’ll be likely to meet other quality guys (educated, financially secure, kind guys do tend to run in packs, even if they are rarer than the average). Of course to keep in rapport with those kind of guys, you need to keep working on yourself as much as possible too.

      All best kish,

      Stephen x

      • kish says:

        Thanks for the suggestion Stephen. I suppose my guy friends would be the best resource for meeting other quality guys–because they run in packs–why didn’t I think of that before?! THANKS!!!
        And Matt is right about increasing quantity. It is a numbers game after all and I have to really work on hitting more targets. But it is hard to work up the motivation in the face of routine failure to meet good prospects.
        I’m already on top of things when comes to working on myself–so no worries there:-)

  16. Neda says:

    and also !
    Thanks ! you Rock

  17. Neda says:

    omg !
    i was just thinking about this ! and then decieded to check ur website for new posts!
    and i found this!
    god, realy true ! i do need to work on No.1 !
    i mean do stuff , be pretty , be smart , be funny ,…. but i actually meet no one!

  18. marwa says:

    hello Stephen,

    so with a day that started with the most awful cold and flu fatigue and ended with reading your article , all i can say is thank you =3 you just made my mood roller coaster go uuuuup ;)

    i appreciate the fact that article simply was just the perfect balance between “you need to grow as a person and achieve something in your life” and “just try to be open to the idea that you need someone and they aren’t gonna pop up as you wish , you are the one who lets that happen” ….. if that makes any sense !!

    i believe we need to set ourselves standards and let the guy reach up to it .. cause many girls do get the guys that they dream of , but it just start “rolling in the deeeeeeeeep” *with Adele amazing voice* when they star compromising their standards with the illusion that this is the only way to keep the guy

    it’s really weird and a bit funny how i enjoy your articles and i find them really interesting and logical “yet not all the time for me =b” , knowing that i have a different philosophy when it comes to relationships “due to my own religious and personal reasons” …. don’t wanna bore you with that =b

    keep them coming =D
    and as usual a big fat humongous shout out from SUDAN
    Marwa =)

  19. D says:

    I love the article Stephen. I think I need to make myself more chooseable. I have just started a boxing class (it’s mixed). It won’t ever involve getting in the ring though – it’s just one thing I am doing to get out of the house & meet people (men & women), & get rid of stress! I know I could do more but it’s a start anyway.

  20. jen says:

    I am 100% the first one, dream job, love life have amazing friends and zero men in my life.
    my problem with your advice be 10% more sexy… I have zero clue what this means, how to be it or what it should look like. I read your article before on what you think is sexy in a woman an i do the majority of them. I smile at people, i am chatty but am clearly doing something wrong…

    i do love your blogs btw

    Jen x

  21. Shev says:

    Hi Stephen:
    I realized that over the past few months I had been working on the second one, to improved my career, and have a more fulfilled life. Still a work in progress, but am enjoying every minute of it!! :)

    The first one is what I struggle with, although using some of the techniques and tools both Matt and you have suggested has brought me far in a short period of time ( since May). I know that I have to continue to put myself out there and risk rejection, looking silly or feeling foolish, to expand my social interactions. I tend to overanalyze the interactions that do occur, rather than enjoying them and taking them for what they really are.
    One without the other will never get one what they are hoping to achieve, but making tiny shifts, are bringing about amazing results! ;)
    Really enjoyed this article , and hope to achieve a balance between the two!!
    Warmest regards,
    Shev x

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thank you so much Shev. It’s great to see you are taking those little risks and making changes. Just remember, there are an infinite amount of guys to practice on, so there’s no excuse to not keep having those interactions (plus they’re fun!)

      Take care,

      Steve x

  22. ann says:

    nice job Stephen! well written.

  23. Elle says:

    Thank you so much Stephan, I’ve been the girl who is way too pro-active and running after accomplished, multi-talented and popular guys without much to offer on my side. Truth is, I’ve never been satisfied with my life and myself. There’s so much that I want to do, to be better at, but I have an important discipline problem to get me there. I am also afraid to follow my dreams, especially when it comes to choosing college majors, I always stick with what’s realistic and stable even though I know it’s not fit for me at all.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      That’s really honest of you to admit Elle, I commend your self-awareness. From this position you can now redress the balance and do more to work on yourself (whilst also staying pro-active with guys). Throw yourself into something you can work hard on and take pleasure from on its own, and start to build your own life that guys will want to be a part of.

      All best,

      Stephen x

  24. Marla says:

    How do you get around the awkwardness of asking those guy friends if they know of anyone single to introduce you to?

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      I think asking directly can always make it a bit too high-pressure and awkward. It’s better to dip into his social circle (maybe just go out with him and his friends one night) and make an effort to introduce yourself to people your guy friend knows. Even if none of his friends float your boat, THEY might have other friends who do, so always be willing to make more connections as you never know who you might meet next.

      Thanks Marla,

      Stephen x

  25. AspieCatholicgirl says:

    This article sums up a lot.
    A bit off the topic…but are you and Matthew familiar with Cesar Millan? If not, you would find him fascinating. I’ve been going through the Impact program, and so much of what Matthew says makes me think of C. Millan.

  26. Beth says:

    I would say I am more the first girl then the second I do meet guys but not enough I need get more and meet guys for sure. A lot of times I got out with friends and such but I don’t always end up in places to meet guys unfortunately.

  27. Anita D says:

    Salut Steve,
    Excellent ton article et très belle référence.
    C’est essentiel de se sentir bien dans sa peau,dans son travail pour être bien avec quelqu’un.
    Ça s’applique autant pour les célibataires, que pour les personnes en couple.


  28. Marla says:

    I also wanted to add I now have a good idea by speaking to these three of what a quality guy is and hopefully what to look for.

  29. Marla says:

    Such a great article! Thank you.

    I’m a little bit of both. :-(
    I’ve met some great guys lately, unfortunately two are in relationships and one I’m not sure.
    I’m enjoying getting to know all three as it provides me with the opportunity to practice getting comfortable engaging with guys so that I’ll feel more comfortable when an opportunity presents itself. I’m doing other things too but do need to get out more.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Don’t worry Marla, everyone is a bit of both! Having guy friends can really help you get more comfortable, especially if they are quality to guys who can introduce you to their friends ;)

      Keep at it! Just keep stretching the comfort zone an inch at a time.

      All best, thanks for your kind words.

      Steve x

  30. Lydell says:

    Thank you for posting this. I am the 1st type of woman mentioned. I’ve locked myself a way for a long time and am now ready to be within instead of without. (See what I did there?) I’m currently working on myself. Working out, socializing with friends and trying new things. I’m having lots of fun. The love life is kind of low on the list but I’m working on bumping it up some. Thanks again for yet another excellent post.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thank you Lydell. The trick is to just make different things a priority at different times. Even busy people need to bring socializing to the top of their list sometimes in order to retain strong relationships with family and friends. The mistake is to ALWAYS put one area too low or too high, which is when people begin to miss out on things.

      Thanks for commenting :)

      Stephen x

  31. Roz says:

    Thanks so much for reposting the extra info/link on conversations…


  32. Roz says:

    I have been doing all that all along and always feel I haven’t wasted my life/time as a result of it no matter what dating life has brought on I have always worked at bettering myself! And as Matt said when he used the metaphor: work on the business and the revenue will come, don’t worry so much if during ne quarter the revenue is down lol you are the business so work on improving the business he says…I live by that principal :)

  33. Roz says:

    So true! You brothers complement each other’s material really well.
    Good points :)

  34. Heather says:

    It’s encouraging to read advice which I am already familiar with and, currently working on. I took my self out of the game, so to speak, a few years ago (OK, 5. I know, 5 years is a long time…), to build my business and work on my historical issues which were hurting my life by influencing the decisions I was making. I decided I wanted to be the kind of woman who would attract the kind of man I wanted. And I knew the type – I had already dated ‘him’ a few times, I just couldn’t ‘keep it together’, after the initial flush because there was no congruency in what I presented and who I felt I was. And that hurt. A lot.

    The problem is that, now, I’ve been out of the game for so long that I don’t know how to get from A to C. Going on dates is easy; I’ve been on many, this year, but not one of them has gone on to the next stage. Sure, I’m better at speaking with men; it helps that I actually like myself, now and that I feel confident in my physical attractiveness, but it’s as though I’ve spent so much time intellectualising my life, that the practical art of living is the bit I can’t quite get my hands on.

    Once again, a very well thought out article. I appreciate how you simplify what can feel like a complex proposal into a neat blog post.

    Thank you.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thanks for sharing this Heather. I know exactly what you mean about congruency: it really takes time to feel that your internal confidence matches who you project on the outside. This is something Matt talks about a lot on his weekends and retreats when he discusses the importance of self-love and the need to truly taking care of yourself and have your own back.

      The fact that you’re dating is a very good sign. Just take the pressure off now and enjoy being out there, instead of being too analytical about it. A lot of success in dating is about being able to let go and express yourself in an authentic way and not take things too seriously. This helps give off a fun and magnetic vibe so people enjoy being around you and want to pursue you more.

      You want to mix those traits of being warm and fun, whilst also not giving too much of a shit and being certain in what you want.

      Take care Heather.

      Stephen x

  35. Leona Lovequest says:

    I need to work on creating more opportunities to find more high status, confident guys. I just met this really fun and interesting guy, but he wants to keep things casual. I think he wants to pull his life together before he’d become interested in getting involved in a committed relationship. I seem to meet this kind of guy a lot. I think if I met a guy who was more choosable himself,I wouldn’t have this problem. Now I’m fixated on this guy because I don’t have any other choices.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Then creating opportunities is definitely your target area Leona. This is an interesting breed of guy you mention, and they are very frequent in their mid-late twenties. These are guys who feel like they need more time to get their career and other elements of their life in order before they want to give to a relationship. Usually trying to alter a guy like this is a waste of time, at least until he’s certain he wants to be with someone.

      I say keep getting out there. One of the best ways to get a guy to make a decision is to prove that you have other options to pursue.

  36. Vavavoom says:

    For me it’s being choosable. I’m not really on the dating market, but I don’t find it hard to attract guys. They do initiate/come to me, and I have no issue doing the same.
    I just want to have a more exxiting life of my own… I’d like more things that are exiting for me to do while still being something I can tell others about without being the nerd loving insects, stamps or software – it’s a bad conversational topic, you don’t exactly sound cool. One can’t really answer the question “has anything interesting/exiting/thrilling happened this weekend? In my or the nerds head the answer is yes, but it’s not the kind of thing one can tell about. I know it sounds shallow or really pathetic but i’d like to find things that gets me out of my home creating experiences, while still making a good impression on people when they ask about my life. I find it difficult to crack that nut though.
    I’d love to get some advice about this.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Hey, listen: it’s some guys ultimate fantasy to find girls who share their enthusiasm for nerdy stuff. If I could find a girl who shared my love of video games and Adventure Time I’d be all over them ;)

      I think it goes back to what Matt says when he talks about having complementary values: it’s good to show a nerdy side now and then, alongside an outdoorsy/active/sporty side. It’s not about one side being better than the other. Check out this article I wrote on this subject: It basically says it doesn’t matter if you’re more of one kind of personality type i.e. sexy, sporty, nurturing, intellectual, nerdy, outdoorsy. It matters more that a guy sees you can be ALL these different characters at different times:

      Hope that helps!


      Stephen x

      • AspieCatholicgirl says:

        Video games and Adventure Time? You sound just like my brother. (I enjoy those things in moderation too-not that I’m trying to make a move on you here, or anything ;) )

        • Kathryn says:

          A multi divorced dad was recently bemoaning the fact his son had recently moved in with a new girlfriend and hadn’t mentioned love once! His son had told him she was quiet and amenable, didn’t mind him playing his x-box and all his friends thought she was fit. I was laughing to myself thinking this lad had obviously met the girl of his dreams.

          Kathryn x

  37. Lily says:

    I just love how reading this put everything I sorta knew together in a way that makes it clear and that gives me a good idea of what to do.
    I definitely need to work on both parts and would love to hear more ways of being more interesting. I am just about to watch the “conversation” module of impact so it should be a good start ;)
    Thanks Stephen! Always love your point of view!
    Take care!

  38. Lorine says:

    Both areas need work :)
    I look forward to your articles :)
    Thank you so much !!!
    God bless u

  39. Grace says:

    Love this Stephen!

  40. mimo says:

    Thx for the article. For me it was always about working so hard and results will follow. for these situations i gess you need more.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Working hard is an excellent start though ;) But I think people get frustrated when they work hard in the wrong areas and then wonder why results don’t happen. So we need a targeted approach as well.

      Thanks mimo,

      Steve x

  41. Yas says:

    First one to comment? I must either be very dedicated, desperate or just arrived at the right time! Keep writing Mat, or Stephen, your stuff is good :)

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