(Photo: Josh Pesavento)
Narcissists fall in love every day. It’s just always with the wrong person.
Many disturbing statistics have shown just how easy it is for narcissists, sociopaths, and the dangerously self-obsessed to thrive in the modern world.
Whether in business, fashion, or the movie industry, a delusional belief in one’s own talents and superiority can be just the quality one needs to bloom in professions that rely on selling an image of confidence and self-assuredness.
It doesn’t help that narcissists are great seducers too.
Narcissists can be rich, powerful, talented, clever, charming and keen to please.
Sounds too good to be true, right?
Here’s the downside of dating a narcissist: It can take a really long time for you to notice the enormous downside (namely his complete lack of empathy with other people)!
What will likely happen is you’ll be with a guy who seems to have his life together, takes care himself, is highly successful, and even wants to take you out and treat you well. But you’ll notice something missing. Some form of caring and human generosity that he doesn’t show.
You might not even be able to put your finger on it, because a narcissist, being someone who is eager to be loved, will tell you everything you want to hear.
11 Behaviours Of The Self-Obssessed Asshole Your Mother Warned You About
How do you spot these creatures then?
The signs are subtle, and it’s not usually just one behaviour. You need to look for repeated patterns of the following kinds:
[*] Needing too much attention for minor accomplishments. He does most activities for people to cheer and tell him how great he is, and acts like a child if people don’t give him the attention he craves. He is extremely sensitive about the slightest criticism. Most guys want their girlfriend to be their greatest cheerleader, but only a narcissist wants her to be as blindly devotional as a Justin Bieber fan.
[*] Selfishness with giving praise. He rarely, if ever, will give you praise for your own achievements or parts of your character he admires. In fact, he’s likely threatened by your success, and will become colder when he sees you rise up the ladder.
[*] Every story you tell becomes a story about him. You’re in the middle of telling him about an argument with your parents, and before you know it you’re talking about his relationship issues with his Dad. Somehow every conversation turns to his own grand internal struggle because, frankly, yours just isn’t that interesting to him.
[*] Envy. He is insanely jealous of other people’s achievements, and tries to belittle their success. If he can’t bring himself up, he’ll show why others are worse than he is.
[*] Lack of curiosity about you. Your inner world and thoughts are of practically zero interest to him. He is never truly interested in getting to know you as a person. He tends to ask superficial questions and only takes an interest when he’s told to.
[*] Takes credit, avoids blame. He takes credit for everything good, and rarely apologises for anything bad. He is awful at sharing his wins with anyone else, and will need to regularly prove how others played no role in his successes.
[*] Thinks he is never the problem – it’s just that you “have issues”. He assumes all faults in the relationship must be because you’re erratic, needy and unreasonable, not because he’s acting badly. If you’re upset, he blames you for being emotional, and makes you somehow feel bad for unfairly putting pressure on him.
[*] Ignores your plans. Your dreams are disposable and do not feature on his radar when he makes plans. His dreams, on the other hand, are of life and death importance and are a daily obsession.
[*] Does things to fuel his image of himself as a ‘great guy’. He only does things for you because he thinks they make you like him more or make him look better, rather than because he is interested in making you feel happy and fulfilled. The same goes for his friends and people around him. Anyone that threatens this identity he will swiftly disposed of, or instinctively avoid.
[*] Won’t assist with your projects. If your path to fulfillment somehow conflicts with his happiness and feelings of superiority, he’ll convince you to not to follow it. After all, what are your meagre projects compared to his epic quest for glory and domination?
[*] Unable to apologise. He just cannot say sorry. No matter what he’s done or how obvious it is, he finds a way to justify and explain why in this instance it wasn’t his fault, or finds a way to excuse himself for having done something bad. Or he’ll just pounce and attack your character as a means to defend himself.
I know nobody’s perfect. Even great people may have one or two elements of narcissism lying within them, ready to come out unexpectedly.
But stack enough of these behaviours on top of one another, and you’ve got a man who will sooner or later leave you desperately wanting for affection, love, and kindness that you just won’t get.
He’ll say all the right things when you’re upset. Of course he will.
That’s because he’s seeing your view of him for the first time. And he’s scared that it doesn’t match what he sees in the mirror.
And the mirror always comes first.
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48 Replies to “Want To Know If The Man You’re Dating Is A Narcissist? Look For These Subtle Signs!”
You forgot one: Keeps photos of himself all over his home… ;-)
I knew a guy who was like this. It’s not just about dating women, the male narcissist also has problems with regular guys, like maintaining relationships.
The absolute biggest thing I’ve seen is a sheer lack of empathy. He might say a few things because he’s smart and knows what he ‘should’ say, but it’s without empathy.
And when he’s lacking in empathy, it means he can take advantage of those around him.
This is very true. My husband has no male friends, and his closest friends are women he had flings with when he was a teenager. He also doesn’t have close friendships in the way I or anyone I know does–when I told him I wanted a divorce this summer, he didn’t tell anyone, meanwhile I couldn’t stop crying. His friends still have no idea that I almost left him (and still might). I guess it would have made him look too bad.
Yeaaahhh…so what do I do now that I’ve realized for awhile that I married one? I had a warning sign early on when he told me that he’s never cried in real life, only on screen (he’s an actor–and a very good one). Then every time he’d make a joke about my appearance I was just “too sensitive” and he was “just joking.” Now his career has taken him overseas for the past 9 months, and the fact that we were newlyweds and separated almost immediately left me incredibly depressed, and he didn’t want to hear about my feelings, because I “wasn’t supporting him.” I’ve realized he’s just not capable of empathy. And I have no idea what to do now.
Collect evidence and prepare yourself to win in divorce court.Abondonment of affections upon marriage. Also a narcissistic is very likely cheating. Collect and make your case but never let him know that you are on to him. I’m dead serious so get yourself out of there.
Jane, I’m so sorry for your hard times. I’ve been there and its sucks big time. I value marriage and choose to believe there is hope in working on every single issue together. I think it can be a beautiful relationship. Who wouldn’t miss there newly married husband if he left you so early to work away for 9 months. I so get it! Hugs xx
OMG, how do i stop finding atractive these kind of guys?
I haven’t finished reading this post yet and am already laughing to myself…and truly enjoying the content of this article. Mainly because I nearly emailed the Get the Guy team this weekend as to how I can stop attracting the narcissistic personality type!
Thank you for writing this one Stephen, couldn’t have come at a better time ;)
Thank you for your hard work putting this together-I really needed your wisdom today! Perfect timing… Plus, you made it funny which is always a sexy nice bonus. xx
Thank you Stephen for writing this. My sister is such a person. With ease I checked off 6 of the points listed. Luckily I can spot such people having over 20 years experience living with one. Everything is about them. Mole hills quickly turn into mountains, and they’ll do anything to win your sympathies or, if unsuccessful, belittle and disregard you as if you’re hardly human.
Unfortunately, not everyone is fortunate to learn from a young age how to distinguish such toxic qualities. Huge help for all.
“Here’s the downside of dating a narcissist: It can take a really long time for you to notice the enormous downside.”
You have no idea how much better I feel since you have said that. I dated a narcissist for 2 years before I realized how he didn’t give a damn about anyone but himself. (He is a pastor.) And after I broke it off I’ve been kicking myself for staying that long.
I feel so much relief that I’m not a complete idiot, and that maybe other people would miss that as well. Thank you.
The same for me Heather, I also dated a narcissist for 2 years before I realized it. And I’m a nurse, so i feel even more stupid because I should have recognized his behavior.
This is my actual father. As a result, I try my best to avoid men like him. A narcissist makes everyone around them feel unloved and lonely. Steer clear!
In simple words he’s a self centered asshole!
Great and perfectly timed article. Thank you! If you are in such a onesided, unbalanced relationship you can leave but is leaving also the best solution when you have to deal with narcissists in other areas of life, for example at work? To realize these traits in a persons’ behaviour is the first big step but how can you use this information?
Narcissists shouldn’t get in positions of power and leadership. They know how to stick to their power but they don’t take any responsibility for other people.
Thank you Stephen for educating women and men on what to look for and hopefully avoid. I was married to a narcissist for 18 years and our relationship was toxic. It literally caused me to develop physical and emotional health problems. Also thank for all the work you put into helping to teach us what healthy relationships and self esteem look like.God bless.
Thank you, thank you. I was married to one for 13 years. This is the best article I have read on the subject.
omg.. I feel like I’m a little narcissistic, self-obssessed at least.
I’m starting to think you get your material from reading our tweeter feeds ;-) I actually love it, a man’s perspective. x x
That article about narcissism is so right on I married one without knowing it it took me about 20 years to figure it out so I am trying to teach my daughter what not to look for in a man and to what to look for in a man.
Hey Stephen. Think it’s important to warn against these type of people (often men in power), but have to be very careful and responsible, because narcissism is a disease. It is not the usual “obsessed with self” and egotistical, selfish, or envy – these are pretty common (see how many people comment and think they’ve been with narcissists), but rather a diagnosable personality disorder which ruins lives in every way possible. Victims have PTSD, have to recover from various forms of abuse, lose jobs and kids, and are left isolated – often because others thinks it’s just a bad but typical breakup one can just get over. It’s not comparable. Narcissists are truly dangerous and indeed somewhat difficult to detect because they know exactly what to say…but from time to time you’ll realize they have severe insecurities and that they really don’t trust you at all. Watch out for these people!
I’m learning to no attract narcissistic or unavailable men.
I thought so, when I’m laughing when he calls he has hung up simply because I was laughing when I answered the phone. When I beat him at a game he wanted me to get good at he won’t say I did a good job. we can’t have a conversation because he says, shut I’m talking, I have to listen to his stories about some woman he did a good deed for and not be suspicious or jealous although he will state her age and good looks, but let me say that about a man he says nothing or gets in a mood, when he calls its always a story about some woman or cute young girl but he never says, hello dear how are you today; did you miss me; I miss you, nothing about me at all and talks until hes ready to hangup… thanks for bringing what I felt was not right to my attention; sad point – I really really do care for him…. it has been 2 years of this – no wonder I’m looking older and can’t get it right with fasttrack to mr right :(
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