What Happened to All the “Real” Men?

I was surprised to scroll through the comments of my last video and find the following complaints:

  • “Modern men are such cowards
  • “A real man should go after what he wants…”
  • “This is beta male behavior…”

I have some strong opinions on this

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110 Responses to What Happened to All the “Real” Men?

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  1. Joanna says:

    Thank You! I really often wondered why guys are so strange. But You truly gave me a new perspective. I am a woman that don’t like games, I like honesty, openes and fairness. I am more of the traditional person and always thought that guys needs to persue me but it actually never happened to me. I am attractive and liked person and have many friends but guys don’t stick. I don’t know what I do wrong or do I choose the wrong guys. Do I really have to play all the rules in order to get him to stick. I know guys that are together with such demanding girls, or mean girls or gold diggers. I truly don’t know what I do wrong:(

  2. Marisa says:

    Hi Matt
    I live in Australia and have recently discovered a best kept secret of single women – YOU! (FLattery will get you everywhere, right!)
    Loved this video, recently I took it one step further, and now I’m not sure I’ve done the right thing. I’ll try keep this short and sweet and to point.
    Met guy online 2 months ago. Met up, and had great 2 and a half hour chat fest. He sent lovely message next day, clearly interested. We agreed to meet up again once he was back from holiday. 12 days later we went to dinner. I was already going to this unusual “psychic dinner thing with friends and invited him along. He said yes, I thought, “Wow, he must really like me to come to this!” Landed up being just him and I and my hot friend. The dinner was boring as bat sh*t, but the drinks before and after were good. We had a very decent kiss at the end of the night and went our separate ways. I woke up the next morning to a message from him, and he continued to message me during the day and a little bit the next morning. Then things went quiet for about 3 days and I eventually asked him out right if he was still interested or not. The next day he replied that he thought was a “fantastic woman with a great sense of humour,”, but that he didn’t feel a spark. Yes, I’ll admit I probably choked less than half way through our last date, after I realised I really liked him. I responded to him message amicably and that was that, but I couldn’t get him off my mind. 4 weeks passed and I thought “screw it”. I sent him this…”Hi. I’ve decided to really put myself out there. I can’t help but think there is still something to explore here. How do you feel about it – meeting for a coffee or drink?”. He Replied “Hi. THank you bla bla bla. I’m more than happy to catch up again when I’m back in town mid April, if you’re still interested then”. I said, “Yes I’d like that, I’ll leave it to you to let me know when you’re free on your return”. I’m half not expecting to hear from him, and am totally going on with life making it interesting and fabulous, have a sense that I’ve lost nothing whether we meet up again or not (ball is well and truly in his court), but if we do, what’s the best way for me to tackle this gorgeous alpha male, without coming across as either too confident and complimentary, or plain old boring? I’ll try to be my usual funny self…..but I feel I need a little more artillery in this circumstance. Help Please!!
    P.S. He’s one of your countrymen….I do love me a good Englishman!

  3. Lorena says:

    Hey Matt!

    What kind of self development books would you recommend??? Not necessarily about relationships but about confidence, for instance.

    I’d be very grateful!

    Lorena C. Dornelas

  4. Pat says:

    I want to flirt with my boyfriend. ;)

  5. Rayen says:

    Great vídeo! I truly believe that instead of saying a real man should go after what he wants you should take a look At yourself and be more what you want in the man you want

  6. Femm says:

    O my! This vid was fun! These girls argue about comfort zones of guys, while they are probably still in their own, waiting for “prince charming” to sweep them off their feet. I think the big issue here is, not only body language but also communication. Why is there so much pressure on just a question or a small conversation!? Ego, embarrassment, giving away too much, this stuff is all tricks of the mind.

    Then again, thanks Matt, keep on going, your vids makes me smile almost every time ;) (i certainly did during this one)

  7. JJ says:

    I recently ended a three year relationship that for the last year of it he showed little to no sexual desire for me. I hate to admit it but my self esteem took a serious hit. When I told a cab driver that I’ve known for a year and half about the break up he offered “friends with benefits”. Every time I had rode in his cab he was always so nice and he is sexy in an adorable kind of way so I agreed. We were both satisfied with the benefits. Honestly my motivation was just to feel to desired. What ended up happening though was I started to like him and wanted more but I wasn’t sure what to do about it though. There is a saying “the teacher will appear when the student is ready to learn”. Four days ago I came across one of your videos on Youtube. I binged on videos and downloads while texting and talking to him using what I was learning. We have our first date this weekend. Never in my wild dreams did I think I would get results in four days. I know you are very busy so I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read this and to thank you for the help with getting the guy.
    Much love and gratitude

  8. Stacey says:

    Hey Matthew…what an awesome video! Love how you are always so passionate about helping people and showing kindness to those who gets all the complaints…very classy! Makes me want to cuddle you.Lol It’s not about the men who gets complained about, it’s really the women!! It’s the law of attraction…and what they radiate, they must attract!! They tend to talk crap about the guys but in actuality, it’s all about them!! Keep doing what you do best and don’t ever stop making me laugh

  9. Nell Simpson says:

    Ha very funny I like how you are so subtle about some very rude women. I love you Matthew Hussey just ignore these silly women your advice is awesome

  10. Petra says:

    Sorry, Matt, but I can’t agree. There’s something misunderstood here… When women complain about men being cowards or ‘not real men’, it’s not about initiating a conversation, it’s not about getting to know each other. The problem is when two people are already involved in something, there has been some flirting already, but the guy does not step forward. It can be so frustrating when you feel stuck, you feel that things are not going anywhere, though the guy has already shown signs and you did, too. Women often expect guys to solve this problem, to get out of this uncertain, stuck situation, and women think it’s the guy’s job to do this.

  11. amy says:

    Burst right out laughing when you compared the commenter to Trump, because I was thinking the same thing! Soooo true. Ahhh hahaha. Still giggling. “Sad!”

  12. Luke says:

    I do get a laugh out of that statement. Where did all the good men go.

    What I hear translated in my head is why aren’t the good men sweeping me off my feet, or at least asking me out.

    Ask yourself what a good man is. Chances are you got a list something like this.
    Strong, decisive, confident, passionate, dedicated, chivalrous, compassionate and so on.

    There’s a very good chance he is attracted to people like him. In fact people with the opposite sort of traits will be a turn off.

    Look at your list again.

    Go out and become the female equivalent of that list. Once you decide to be the things on your list your eyes should open up and you will start to see the world differently. You will find yourself losing your drama filled friends and they will be replaced by good people. You will start doing things that take you to places where good people are. You will start to find good men, men who you are now attracted to, men who are now attracted to you.

    Or don’t.

  13. Jgirl says:

    Reminded me of the old video where Matt discusses women choosing the guy and making it happen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM6gjM2N64c
    So how do women do the choosing? By going up to the man and speaking, or by checking out the scene and using the 7 subtle flirting techniques?

  14. Jaggie says:

    Great video Matt and heck funny too!

  15. lynelle says:

    Oh yeah.

    Omg, omg, Oh.My.Godddd. Matt, you put out. And actually, I need to put out (workwise :}) too, but I cannot NOT respond to you regarding this video. I have such respect for your work (and your ability to work a camera, too, wow) that it requires I take the time to respond again.

    I am SORRY about the reactions a few of these women had. Unfortunately, very unfortunately, they are a subset within your group of followers here that are expanded out across the Western world…women are presently (it Seems — not like I’m playing God or anything) in a total reactionary mode against males. Now I think this is to be called “natural.” But the thing is, these women are NOT good spokespeople for the issue. You already know this, I’m aware. To go all the way back to caveman mentality and think a REAL man “just goes after what he wants” is bullshit deeper than bullshit. That men are not excused for the SAME STUFF we as females do in social and/or mating situations is Bullshit beyond bullshit. My view is precisely that of yours, in fact I’d call it “reality” to say that the way these women judged the men is exactly how they feel about and judge themselves. VERY SAD. I wish I were more compassionate about that, and I REALLY hate myself when I find myself playing into that as though some ill wind blew across the collective of humanity and I, being one, picked it up by default. When I hand off some gender-related excoriation to a male friend or even my partner, I could eat myself alive for it once I’ve heard back what I said, or after I calm down, drink wine, get stoned, whatever I have to do to lose the smallness of my hopefully temporary attitude. You handled that supremely, Matthew. Was that difficult??? Jeezuz, haa. I suspect (assume…) males are just the same as the rest when it comes to picking up an “ill wind” — the guys who give the rest of you a bad name are just acting out some weird control thing born of insecurity, aren’t they? Isn’t it pretty much that simple? Maybe religious beliefs, whatever, but they’re grounded in INsecurity of self, right? And what, female humans are somehow freaking ABOVE IT ALL??? I’m just sorry, Matt. I hope we ALL learned something, and very quickly so, from your “retorts”; it was well-deserved. And again — as usual, very well-delivered.

  16. Carla says:

    Great video Matt!! I love it! Very true and you’re great with words! Keep making awesome video’s xoxo

  17. Katy says:

    I think it’s perfectly understandable that many men struggle to ask women out and don’t wish to deal with rejection. I don’t consider it to be cowardly. And men are under more pressure socially to initiate relationships than women so I don’t hold guys to any dating standards in this area as I bet if we women were having to initiate more, we wouldn’t be too effective at it ourselves!! If anything, I respect guys who don’t come off over confident in asking people out and have a shy side.

  18. Onder says:

    I don’t know if my comment will matter. But just wanted to give my own personal take on this, which i’m hoping will cause some empathy towards the guys who are mislabelled but are privately suffering the way I’m suffering right now.

    Looking back at my dating and relationship experience. All i’ve ever gotten from it is pain. I got wrongly judged as shy and wasn’t taken seriously by the girls I liked. It would often be the case that I would either be patted on the back for being too nice or passed up by the guys that would bully me.

    Thinking there was something wrong with me, I got into pickup and PUA so I can learn not to be the guy I was. And what resulted was the opposite to what I wanted. Sure I got results, but it meant having to no longer be vulnerable and to hide my feelings, which lead to even more pain. I went from being the nice guy to the guy that women was frustrated with but still wanted to sleep with. In short. It damaged my soul and caused me to lose the person who I can wholeheartedly say is my soul mate.

    I’m now at a place where I’m fed up and lost. I can’t be nice or callous. I have an identity that’s simply borderline narcissistic and care free. Everything I’ve ever done to try and get better and get a handle on this area of my life has fallen short and has given me nothing but pain and anxiety.

    I’m now at a place where I was once interested to know what women wanted so I could be a better man, to now being clueless and not giving a shit. And i’m starting to believe that there are no winners in the realm of human relationships. Only losers.

    If there’s anyone out there who can shed some light of my frustrations. I would be really appreciative to hear it. My therapist has yet to provide me with a concrete solution.

  19. Sidia says:

    Hi Matthew, I completely agree with what you have said regarding this topic. I don’t believe that the issue lies in whether or not a man or woman can instantly pursue someone with conviction and confidence. I believe the real frustration lies with women who have opened the door, travelled through quite some time with a man and notice that despite all that appears to be positive, the men at that point don’t have it in them to step up to the true challenge of commitment etc… I have listened to many of your other videos regarding all the reasons why this occurs however that would be moreso the situation that would prompt women to say “where are all the real men?”
    In my observation I see that most of my friends typically don’t encourage a man to approach them. This isn’t really where the frustration lies. Women are used to being hit on for the most part and are often quick to dismiss an interested man. I believe what frustrates women is when things seem to be going well and yet the men of today just don’t approach the relationship with conviction. They are either afraid, insecure, don’t see the value in it or string along hoping something better comes along. Us ladies think of the ways of the past when a man felt that it was important to build his family, his life etc… with a woman (despite whatever was going on his mind). These days everyone seems to protect themselves more than want to give to others. That is what I find to be our sad reality. That is why I agree with all of your previous teachings. People in general need to know themselves and not try to find the saviour in another. That will come much easier if you respect and know yourself first. People wlll only treat you how you let them. Thank you for listening!

  20. Robyn says:

    This was good. Really good. I appreciate this the most of any of the videos I have watched from you. Last week’s video had a lot of value for me also. Thank you.

  21. Ann says:

    Great message!!!! Be compassionate! Everyone has moments of insecurity and hates rejection. In the dating world we can get so focused on being clever or sassy that we forget kindness. And kindness comes more naturally to me. Thank you!

  22. Sarah says:

    …So appreciate the wise and inspired thoughts you share and grateful for your generosity! You make me feel like I have taken the best shower ever refreshed renewed and ready to bring my best, most loved and loving self out into the world. Thanks for this hot stuff!!!

  23. Edyta says:

    Thank you Matt!! It is so true and valuable comments.
    The truth be told, those angry or bitter comments are calling for some love.
    We are all humans and sending body signals all the time. So woman/man should not be surprised if they sending the wrong signals and actually repel themselves from each other.
    If you smile, you already started a great connection no matter where you are. So simple but so easily forgotten.

  24. Michele says:

    It’s too bad that people are so judgmental. I actually liked the 7 subtle signs and thought it was very helpful. I know I have missed many opportunities and will now be more aware.

    Thanks Matthew for an enlightening video.


  25. Shenaz Sridhar says:

    nailed it!

  26. Saida says:

    Hi!! Well I love your answers about the post people made in your last video. But I think some of then were talking about a guy that they have been daiting or knowing for a while.
    Ofcourse, I agree with you If you just met the person. But what about the guy you´ve been daiting for a while and you know he likes you. But he don´t say or do anything more or show his feelings off??

  27. Margot Rudolf says:

    .You are a true inspiration.Sorry for all those negative comments.Perzonally i enjoyed your last video as well as all the others.Keep up the amazing work you do can’t wait for next Sunday.

  28. Ana says:

    They are oll around us’ but we are too beasy with what we don’t have and complaining for not having the ability too change that’ and that’s it makes a hole inside woman’ and after we fill tired of trying’ but these point of view you say Matt it shows that Gys are wonderful any way’ we just need how to talk with them

  29. Tim Chisholm says:

    From another guy’s perspective:

    I really appreciate that you covered these points, Matt. Some women are simply extremely difficult people to please and to get along with, as are some men. All of the letters you read, in my mind, were from such women. Some of those women might well be physically attractive, but I’d pass on all of them, if I got a whiff of any of those attitudes.

    BUT…A lot of men really do need to stop wishing and waiting and whining about not getting any…love or sex or whatever it is they’re looking for in women. Rejection is part of it. A man who meets a lot of women will experience a lot of rejection…and some acceptance. A man who meets NO women will experience no rejection…and no acceptance.

    There are plenty of ways to increase a guy’s chances…hygiene, grooming, working out, getting some coaching, getting a wingman, just going out with the intention of talking to a specific number of women with no other goal, so that it won’t matter if she rejects him or not, because his goal is JUST to talk to them (unless he is clearly offending everyone he talks to, in which case he should probably get some coaching first before hitting the bars again!). If he does meet that certain number of women, he meets his goal. And the number can be 10 or a hundred…doesn’t matter, he’ll be getting experience he can learn from and become more comfortable AND more effective. Sorry if that’s treating women as a “numbers game”, but men who easily talk to women have ALREADY experienced those numbers. The point is, fear of rejection is common, I experience it too, but after getting some positive signals, guys who still refuse to give it a go have themselves to blame.

    Last thought: There are a lot of men who shame other men for not being “alpha males” too. In my experience, many of those self-dubbed “alpha males” have serious flaws in their characters, from Daddy issues to outright narcissistic sociopathy. Not all, but many of them are just annoying people. For the vast majority of us, like you said, in a lot of ways we totally rock, and sometimes we don’t.

  30. Cathy says:

    Masterful! I love the part at the end about empathy, for ourselves and for others. So true!

  31. Cindy says:

    Perfect response to those silly comments! Those folks may not have heard a THING you said in this video, but thanks for saying it to all of us who completely get it and have to deal with people who function with those nasty, harsh attitudes (especially when they are your girlfriends)! Yay!

  32. Andree says:

    Thanks so much, Matt — this was a great follow-up to last week’s video. I don’t understand why women think it’s up to the man to walk up to her and say something all the time or that if a man knows what he wants, he should just go after it. What about the part of the woman in all this business? If we fuss about not being seen as the strong beings that we are, why would the dating scenario be any different?

    I met the guy I am dating online; I was nervous about connecting with someone after having had a negative online dating experience. However, I saw this man’s profile and wanted to know more. I checked it out a few times before taking a deep breath and leaving a question on one of his photos; there were a couple of comments like ‘Nice pic’ from other women, but what is that? Like you have said in your teachings, these statements don’t create opportunities for conversation! I figured by leaving a question, we might begin an exchange. I got to a place where I accepted the notion that the worse thing that could happen would be that he wouldn’t answer. My question got the desired result — he responded and we started chatting on the site. I made the suggestion that we should meet up. He said it seemed like there was a mutual attraction (imagine how thrilled I was at that!) and gave me his number. I replied with my number. He called me straight away. We made plans to get together for lunch. That was last spring and we are doing well. I have moments where I wonder where it will go, but I step back and enjoy the moment. Sometimes he makes suggestions about where we should go or what we should do and I do the same. The idea is that we are in partnership as we increase our connection. That’s what it’s all about.

    Thanks for letting me share and thanks for all you do! Your site and videos have been a lifesaver!

    • Jen says:

      Thanks for writing this Andree, I wonder that all the time – moments where I wonder where it will go. SO important just to enjoy the moment and see where things take you, together in partnership. :)

      • Andree says:

        Thanks, Jen! I’ve taken to keeping my own journal about all the things we’ve done that make me smile, that I think are thoughtful, or just times I’d like to remember. The first night I spent at his place (he’d been coming to mine) was on New Year’s Eve; when I went out to my car, there was a big maple leaf on my windscreen. I kept it, wrote the date and location on it, put it in a little plastic bag, and put it in my journal with a posting about the day :)

        • Jen says:

          Amazing! That is a great idea. I’m usually bad a keeping record of things but you’ve inspired me to keep a journal of my own moments :))

          • Andree says:

            You are most welcome! I am going about this relationship in a different way and one thing I am doing is trying to keep more memories :)

  33. Brittany Murphy says:

    love how you still tried to help the people who were being hurtful. that said a lot about you.


  34. Anya says:

    I absolutely love you. You have so many smart things to say. I have to say that I hate that girls are all like “we want equality” and all that but than they also say “a guy should call first” “a guy should come over first”. Like what??? I really wish that girls had more courage and approach a guy first just so they’d know how hard it is. And I really wish I was better and responding to guys subtle flirting. I go like “i should smile back” but lips just dont move. I hope you read this and give some advice if you can. Thank you so much

  35. Nadja Kaeppler says:

    Hi Matt,

    I love both videos and it makes me wonder how many opportunities I missed.

    I wouldn’t have the courage to walk up to a guy and start a conversation, so I can totally relate to the subtle tryouts before they build up the courage to speak to their desired human. I would do just the same.

    Oh one more thing you said you’re an equalist. I wish you’d say you are a feminist. Because feminism wants women to have the same rights as men already do. Being equal could mean striping away some rights of men. And I think that would be the wrong direction. All human should have the same rights not less.
    (Sorry I know that is beside the point here :).)

    Thanks for your great videos and advice and if I’ll win the lottery one day I’d love to come to your retreat.


  36. Katie says:

    Aside from the great advice, I just appreciate that you sang the theme song from Dawson’s Creek at the start of this video. Made me laugh. x

  37. Lani says:

    Hi Matt & team,

    I enjoyed the insights that are shared from the male perspective.

    My mind wondered through the day and 2 things keep popping up for me from my experience(I don’t have a lot):

    1. I sat and thought about the subtle flirting and missed opportunities, then realized that I sometimes choose to ignore/dismiss flirts. Especially when I shared an interaction or 2 with a particular guy in the hopes that a contact or more of a connection is made. I tend to not flirt with other guys, nor am I completely open to receive it from other guys in the same place if I know I might be watched by the guy I hope to have contact with. Monogamous flirting I guess.

    2. I have not always been an avid “flirter-backer”, I do not actively seek the attention. I am 30 and my friends (who are married to men they met in my presence) still tease me about my bad flirting of my younger self. :-)
    I have gotten better with the initial flirting situation but it gets tricky when actual conversation has to happen. Flirting in a situation where contact is made makes me nervous because I have a tendency to misinterpret or just not get sexual innuendos and dirty jokes… I just politely chuckle if the guy chuckles. Most of the time it feels like work to me,I fear the conversation turns to some sex related topic that I am clueless about. At times I have to voice note my friends when I have a moment alone. I would rather do public speaking because there is no expectation of me to give something other than delivering information or discussing a topic that I have prepared.

    Thank you for the great content that your share!

  38. Nicole Nelson says:

    Matthew…you truly are such a good person. I just love watching the transparency and kindness you exude in your videos and certainly the advice you give is helpful. Inspires me to keep showing up in my own authenticity. Thanks.

  39. Rowan says:

    Ohhh this video cracked me up! Your reactions to their responses were hilarious! Thank you for that! I love starting my day with a good laugh!

    Ladies (and gents), Matt is completely accurate when saying we are just doing the exact same thing to males by calling them “pussy’s” and “beta-males” etc . . . that they have been doing to us for centuries. If we think that by demeaning the other side, each other, or ourselves is going to bring about any sort of positive change or attract to us the things that we want in life and want to see in other people, then we haven’t made much progress in our own evolution as a sex and a species. The only way we can defeat the outdated stipulations and stereotypes of our current society and move it in a positive direction is to stop shaming each other, stop demeaning one another, and just start treating each other well.

    “Treat others as you want to be treated.”

    “Do not judge lest ye be judged!”

    I’ll be completely honest and disclose that I have been guilty of shaming both sides in the past when I had bad experiences with them.
    But I’ve also met amazing people from both sides and have even, like Matt said, recognized a former version of myself in certain people that have gotten on my nerves and realized that everyone, EVERYONE, is on their own path of personal-growth whether they’re conscious of it or not and everyone learns at their own pace, not just academically, but through life events as well. Some people will repeat the same mistakes until they’re truly ready to learn the lesson behind it and move forward.
    Some people, myself included since I’ve been shy most of my life, DO need that extra encouragement or sign that it is OK to find attraction or to think or feel a certain way. And gradually those bits of encouragement help break through each layer of our shells so we no longer feel like we’re obligated to get permission in order to show who we really are or to have confidence!

    Thank you for opening up a great discussion, Matt!

  40. Patricia says:

    Matt, while I agree with you that women need to provide some encouragement to make it easier for guys to approach us, I also feel compelled to comment that I believe things ARE, in fact, very different than they were 30 years ago. I remember the first guy I dated long-term. He walked right up to me out of nowhere and asked if he could buy me a lemonade, right in front of my mom. I was 20 years old. She smiled and promptly vanished into thin air and he ended up driving me home. We dated for 4 years. I don’t ever remember having difficulty meeting guys with strength of character or decent morals like I do now, and I never ran across any commitment issues that seem so prevalent these days. Sadly, I can say from experience that things have definitely changed, so I understand completely the frustration women feel, the disillusionment, and yes, even the anger, that is noticeable in some of the comments regarding this video. I would be curious as to what you attribute this change in how men and women relate to one another, or if you even agree. Thanks for another great video! Love your stuff.

  41. Krystle says:

    Are these letters real???? Omg. Love the video Matthew, you had me laughing my ass off.

  42. Eden says:

    my celebrity crush

  43. Mimi says:

    Your singing skills are so charming. it took me about 5 minutes to figure out what you were singing “mr. dawson” :) well done!

    So good, I dare you to a duet when I’m in LA this month!

  44. Adaline says:

    wow, this was very enlightening to hear both sides and I agree with Matt, It’s very difficult for either gender to go up to someone they think is pretty or handsome,and this is because no one wants to get rejected. Its the fear of rejection is why I have had missed opportunities, thank you for just making this video, I hope it enlightened the people who don’t understand that men are just as scared when it come to putting themselves out there.

  45. Janna says:

    Matt!!! Your reactions to the comments were hilarious. And it was great to see you call out crazy comments.
    I loved last weeks video. It did show me missed opportunities in my own experience. So thanks!

    P.S. You are ROCKING that jean jacket!

  46. michellespurling.com says:

    Love this, thank you!

  47. Tamara says:

    Hi Matthew!
    Thank you for showing us we are all humans with our own strenghts and insecuraties. And that it is perfectly okay to have both both..
    We are all trying to find a way to get what we want and have a struggle with ourselves from time to time how to handle this.. but we will figure it out.. but only faster with you ^^

    Love this honesty and the previous video too! Thnx!

    Love Tamara

  48. G says:

    Hi Matt,

    What about other social environments besides bars. I don’t go to bars much anymore. I’m not in 20’s anymore. I’m in my 40’s so what about being sober. Can you do a video on every day meeting people without mind altering substances. Thank you.

    Warm Regards,


  49. Nikol says:

    Spot ON Matthew! Huge fan of you and your work, and this video is why. Thank you for tying it all back to empathy and how we really are so much more alike than different. You were willing to talk about what is underneath. Thank you:)

  50. Allie H. says:

    Hi Matt,

    Just wanted to comment because this video was hilarious. The responses you had to the negative comments actually made me giggle. What’s truly going on in 2017? Are men not men anymore?

    Of course men are still men, the social construct of masculinity has never really changed. Men are still expected to be the aggressors, be it in business, life, or even love. What has changed is the concept of what femininity is supposed to, or allowed to, do in response to the masculine aggression.

    Think back to just 60 years ago. In the 1950s, women who flirted or went after men they wanted or had multiple sexual partners were labelled as loose or called jezebels, and were considered unfit for marriage. Women were supposed to have no thoughts beyond homemaking (cooking, cleaning, child- rearing). We were supposed to simply wait for whatever man came to us to pronounce that we were off the market. There, of course, was some modicum of choice depending on your circumstances and social level, but by and large all that women were expected to do was wait for a man, any man, to come over and say “I want you. You will be mine”.

    Fast forward to now and the balance between femininity and masculinity has shifted. Women don’t just want a man, we are certainly not expected to wait for one to come swooping in and carry us off to domesticity. Now when men approach us, especially those who do without any attempts to gauge our interest, we react negatively. The aggressive behaviours are more often seen as objectification and taken as insults. Because we know the only thing that the guy is responding to is our physicality.

    The subtle flirt is a strategic move. It isn’t so passive as it seems on the surface. It is a way to analyze whether or not a female is going to be receptive to an advance. It isn’t necessarily because the guy is a Beta or is too shy. That guy often just wants to figure out if his efforts would be rewarded with a smile and an opened dialogue or if he’ll be met with a slap and a drink thrown down his front.

    The people who are reacting so intensely negatively to the subtle flirt that opens the door to courtship strike me as cynical and a little jaded. The way they describe the guy they want to experience makes it sound, to me, like the guy that stands at the corner yelling ” Smile girl! There should be a smile on that beautiful face you got! Hey! Pretty girl! Baby! What’s your number!?”

    You might recognize that as catcalling. You might call that harassment in the light of day. Is that behaviour somehow more desirable after dark and inside some club or bar? It seems to me that’s what the overtly opposed to subtlety are saying.

    As a very cynical person myself, it just is odd to me. I’m aware of my flaws and expect very little in terms of acceptance or honesty from men. I know that I am a bit broken and that is what I try to work on. I’m closed off and I’ve got a lot of trust issues combined with very low self esteem. Tons of self confidence, but zero self esteem. We all have trials, we all have emotional ups and downs. But I am trying. I am forcing myself out into a space that isn’t comfortable or fun for me. I would never begrudge anyone, male or female doing the exact same thing. Subtlely or not.

    I realize my opinion is not required or asked for, and I will likely receive mean and insulting replies, but I wanted to plant this particular seed. Thanks for the video. Out of the ones I’ve seen, I think I enjoyed this one most of all. I like seeing your humor, especially in response to negativity. It says a lot about a person that doesn’t lash out with insults but with well thought argument and a cheery smile.

  51. Kris Germann says:

    What can you do with a guy that says I’m in fit and positive and doesn’t tell me I’m pretty and anyway?… and just so beautiful whole to fuck?

  52. Ameejo says:

    You know Matt I really agree with you. I have thoroughly enjoyed all your vids and they make total sense. Women that bash men are not any different than men that bash women. They ooze negative energy and who wants that mess. Every one is shy when in that little moment that you first meet a person. It has nothing to do with how strong you are or a fear of commitment. It is a fear of rejection and every one has that as well. Your videos help put the fear aside and help us all have human contact which we all crave. Thank you :) You are the best.

  53. lilsaturn says:

    Right on Matthew. Maybe these women who are complaining about men should put the shoe on the other foot. Guess they just “don’t get the guy”, so to say. Flirting is fun and it is a way of saying hi come on over its ok to approach me. Now I can recognize more opportunities and start having more fun. I really enjoy your videos and have gone on you tube to watch all of the videos there. However today’s video really hit the head on the nail. You told it like it is and the complainers needed to hear that. Kudos to you Matthew

  54. Pam says:

    Can’t even label my exs, I don’t know if it’s a weakness but even if they were horrible to me I just don’t see any gain. Thank you Mathew!

  55. Andrea says:

    Damn I love you. Everyone needs to hear this stuff…ugh Thank you for helping

  56. Anna mangino says:

    I love you Matthew! Your words are so insightful, your videos profound and helpful in my search.

  57. Sharon says:

    Matt, I appreciated your thoughts and the mature genuine way you responded. That is the right way exactly to not only respond to such harsh criticism,but hopefully appeal to others, in efforts to help them grow to understanding and gracious behavior. I have a wonderful man in my life,and your very good coaching has given me further refinement and insight in some details that I have loved implementing in my relationship,even though it is a great relationship already. Thank you,sir Matt,for all you do and please keep persevering in your good work.

  58. Paloma says:

    A lot of missed opportunities. Indeed!
    After watching many of your videos, I started to initiate light conversations with men and I can’t believe why I didn’t do this sooner.
    Thanks for pointing this out– it takes two to miss out on an opportunity ;)

  59. Jay Raymond says:

    Matthew = what about doing a video for the “Older” person. I am 65 been on my own for over 20 years. Sex to me is not that important. I want someone to hang with and go to dinner with and enjoy a conversation with. When you reach my age the ratio of women to men increases substantially. How do we catch an older guys attention. Where do we find them? I do go out for drinks but find it hard to talk to men. I think the older person would open a whole new demographic of listeners if you could tell us how to meet someone, how to flirt, how to let someone know you are interested etc.

  60. Roxie says:

    Uh, no, Matt. You’re completely missing the point. This…let’s call it “inconvenient” male behavior is part of a bigger societal trend wherein guys these days (notice that I’m not calling them “men”) are cowards, liars, manipulative, and flakers– well after the point of number exchange. They think it’s fine to make zero committment, to use women like sexual objects if they can get far enough, they think Polyamory is good, many of them still live with their parents, don’t have careers, and then yes– on top of it, many have lost the art of courtship, flirting, have no game, and flake SO often. Real men, men who have careers, live alone, are truly kind, have courage, and know how to not be afraid to talk to another human being who is very easy to talk to? Those men are rare. In the words of Aziz Ansari, there is a lot of riff raff out there that we have to deal with. It’s easier to be gay & polyamorous right now (which I mean in a non-judgemental way, be who you are, I envy your cohorts) than it is to be straight, hetero, and monogamous. There are less and less quality men out there… At least in my area of California. Not to mentiok the older I get, the men seem to stop working out and think David the Gnome is a physical standard to model one’s self after; and everyone my age is getting married and having kids. Even if he’s actually attractive and in shape, he has a GF or a kid. It is HARD.

    • Roxie says:

      *not to mention (I don’t use autocorrect or spelling support, I type out of my actual brain ;) )

      • John says:

        I mostly agree with you except when you mentioned that looks living with parents part, when I was 27 I was still living with my parents not because I wanted to but I wasn’t financially able to leave, I had a job working my to a home, I had a lot happen once I turned 18 so once I was finally able to start moving forward with my life I’ve been playing catch up but at least I was working towards something, at age 33 I finally bought a house, took longer than I wanted but I did it, just because you live with your parents doesn’t mean you should right away write that person off, could possibly miss out on someone worth it, not always especially if they give other bad signs as you mentioned however the parent thing isn’t always black and white

    • Liz says:

      Hi Roxie – from the UK!!!

      I agree with everything you said and it is the same here in UK! The dating sites here are the worst where men admit to being so lazy and half-hearted in their efforts mostly will not bother to enter the briefest of details or even a photo! Thus making it hard to know if they are still married or just boring! Yet I keep trying to ask a cheerful question, a cheeky request for a photo and acknowledge conversation with people when socialising. Dating does seem a one-way street where men say “ask me a question” and you do all the running cause I am too lazy! On the bright side, I did have a look at an Amercian Web-site and the men looked like models compared to ours who look just scary! I am not sure it is empathy that is required more a sense of humour and to- be- met -half way! It is no fun pushing these mules! Why are there so many sites all telling women to change?

  61. Christina Doracin says:

    I liked this one Matt. Good that you called it out. It goes both ways. Agreed!

  62. Elizabeth P. says:

    Loved how the gal recognized that she may have missed out on some opportunities. Though I do this… I love how you point out that one can miss out on that part of the “dance”. You’re my favorite coach! I recommend you to my friends and new friends seems like every day! I deserve to find a guy like you.

  63. Dee says:

    Your points on that behavior are so true and compassionate. Defensiveness is what we have to see in ourselves and learn that we have nothing to defend and in doing so we can be so much kinder to ourselves and others. Thanks for such great insight, as ever.

  64. Rose Waters says:

    Bravo! This needed to be said. It really does ruin the experience of using your site when I read through the comments and hope to share my thoughts, etc, and find so much negativity. I understand why people can feel that way – I’ve just been dumped myself and I am not exactly a happy bunny at the moment. But aren’t we all here to understand better why things are the way they are in our lives and to learn how to make the changes we need. There are plenty of places to rant about guys. I don’t want to do it/read it here, in what is usually such a positive space.

  65. Elkster says:

    Just clone yourself already…one for each of us! xx

  66. aggie waterstreet says:

    Your hysterical! Love your advice and videos.

  67. Filomena says:

    Wish I had followed your weekly videos before. Thank you for educating us Matthew!! ;) So eye opening, I now realise why men haven’t been approaching me in the past :)

  68. Annabelle says:

    Thanks for showing the vulnerability in both genders! Thats not a shame to be human.

  69. Ola_her says:


  70. Carla says:

    Perhaps you can offer some insight on a trend I notice and cannot seem to get a straight answer on:
    Most relationship improvement seminars and services are geared toward women. Scroll through your Facebook feed and see how many memes are geared toward women finding and knowing their own worth. When a woman isn’t being treated right in her relationship, her family and friends will rally around her and tell her to leave, and rightfully so.
    Yet I can’t help but wonder why the onus seems solely on women.
    When do we start sitting the men down and say ” hey, you have a good woman, she doesn’t deserve to be treated the way you treat her.” Society is quick to look at the woman and say “you can do better” but I seldom if ever see anyone look to the men and say “and you can be better.”
    When do we sit the men down and start telling them that they’re better men than this.

  71. Georgina says:

    Hear Hear! I meet so many beautiful men, some need more encouragement then others, it’s all good. I just enjoy the moment with them, where ever that may lead us.

  72. Kath Pengilley says:

    I got all the signs off a guy in work asked him out he bailed on me last minute. but kept flirting, kept sublty touching lots of eye contact. but never asked me out I ended up leaving the job because I`d fallen hard for him. Just felt he was playing with me for the amusement of everyone else. if he had just asked…

  73. Jill says:

    Great response video! BTW, I apply what I learn from your videos in my business, everyday. You dole out some valuable gems for day-to-day interaction, not just a “man-hunt”.
    2 things resonate with me:
    1. I think it is sad that we are so instant gratification oriented, today. Isn’t flirting a subtle art…a dance? It is a masterful language of its own. Kudos to you with your silly/spot on video about it. Keep on, brother.
    2. We get back what we give out in this universe. Say no more. : ))

    Can’t wait to see what you have up your sleeve for next week’s video!

  74. Julie MacKenzie says:

    So many wonderful points…Hit the nail on the head again….Love these weekly videos…Keep them coming Matthew! Hugs! ;) <3

  75. Wendy says:

    You know what? Some of us sometimes do make the mistake of expecting too much for too little, especially in the beginning. This was a mistake I made because I was clueless and didn’t understand what made another person tick.

    And depending on our age and maturity, many of us make the mistake of thinking our looks and wit are what attracts and keeps the opposite sex interested. Nothing to do with it. Those of us for whom the penny has dropped finally realise that we long for someone who has the ability and desire to understand and have empathy and caring for our feelings and needs. The beautiful and witty yet self-focused one who can’t connect or relate to the feelings and needs of others because his or her own are too all-important are the ones we avoid. The appearance and cleverness of a person who doesn’t yet possess the finer qualities that make us feel happy and alive and loved are diminished by this lack. However, someone who is more ordinary looking but who focuses upon understanding someone else’s needs and feelings as well as their own – and is generous with their time and effort – appears more and more beautiful in the eyes of their beholder.

    • Roxie says:

      Mmmm… Many of us can’t even get that deep b/c guys can’t flirt anymore, can’t get numbers, if he agrees to a date I likely initiate very simply and without exposing too much too soon while keeping it light & fun, 90% of the time he’s gonna flake. Tell Matt to start a matchmaking event, and THEN he can observe for himself how sh*t really goes down, lol. Has anyone ever been to singles dating events? I have. And man are they painful. I’ve pretty much tried it all– online dating, speed dating (this I recommend, it’s very efficient), singles events, the grocery store, doing the things I love (met a dude at a yoga class even– he just wanted to bone), and I smile & talk to men everywhere I go. Men in 2017 just aren’t the same breed; and it’s not enough to know where to meet more of them– it’s about where are all the truly good men?

      • lilsaturn says:

        Roxie i do agree that when I was in my teens and my 20’s and 30’s things were different with the dating scene. I feel back then( and I’m now 53) that men looked more for partners to share their life with than to just have sex with. Therefore they would have their life together. I too are meeting more of the guys that are living at home and what not, however I know that there are, like you said very rare men, that are out there that do have their life together and seriously looking for women like us. Sad part is you have to start somewhere with someone to weed out the bad from the good. And i feel like I’m always having to start over with someone new and I’m not about to give up.

      • Mary says:

        Roxie, I understand where you are coming from. Partly due to my education/career, I met my husband later than many friends and neighbors.

        First, to address your comment of “everyone my age is getting married and having kids.” From my experience, not everyone who gets married and has kids are in a healthy, happy relationship. Some may have gotten married because they didn’t want to be alone, they don’t want to put effort into trying to find someone so they’ll date/marry whoever, they’re doing it “for the kids,” they’ve dated since high school and it was the “next step” even though they are no longer in love/interested and are growing apart, drugs/domestic violence, etc… In those relationships, their contempt for their partner and resentment grows, they’re unhappy, and they’re headed for divorce.

        For the couples who do get married and are in a healthy happy marriage, that means if they can find someone, then you can too! When I was dating, my thought was if there are billions of people in the world, then I should be able to find someone too. Therefore, the more you date, the more opportunities you have of meeting someone that you want to have a happy, fulfilling relationship with!

        In terms of dating/marriage, in the olden days people did not necessarily marry for love! Women were the property of their families and husbands. Women had little say in who their partner would be, which was the experience of my grandmother. She didn’t get to choose her husband because women weren’t allowed to vote/own property/have their own money/etc… Even now, in poor countries, women don’t get to choose who their partner will be. So, as frustrated as you may be, think of every date as an opportunity where you get to choose, which is very empowering.

        In the past, many people would marry someone in their tiny village because everyone had the same interests/values/goals. They would meet someone through family or friends. Now, this is not the case! In a single town/city, there are so many people with different interests/values/goals. My dating experience allowed me to experience and learn new things. It helped me learn what I liked/didn’t like and expand my own interests/world.

        In terms of men, my belief is “what you see is what you get.” People are habitual by nature and have to put great effort in themselves to change. In the past, there were men who were less than honorable as there is now! Only now they may do yoga or play video games, which didn’t exist back then. The good men are out there but fewer and therefore harder to find. Because if you weren’t trying to find a good man, you would have settled for the first man you met.

        So where are the good men? Go to where men gather, which will increase your chances of finding the good man you are looking for. If you’re looking for an academic, try the universities. If you’re looking for someone who will go to church with you, become more involved at church. Try the sports bar, where men meet up with their friends for a drink after work. Try the home improvement store, where men get supplies to repair things.

        Another aspect for me was I kept meeting and dating the wrong guys so that when I met the right guy (my husband,) it actually felt different and I almost prematurely ended the relationship!

        Good men will not necessarily approach you because like Matthew Hussey said, they get nervous too. For example, my husband almost didn’t get out of the car to greet me on our first date because he was so nervous.

        The other part of why it took time to find my husband was timing. I always said that when I met my husband, I would ask him, what took you so long?!

        So I tracing his timeline and mine before we met. Turns out my husband had actually been to some of the same places I had been but he and I were there at different times! While I was looking for him, he was looking for me!

        There were also some life lessons I had to learn on my own and it took time for me to grow and become the person I am today and to be ready for what my husband and I have now. The same was true for him. My husband and I agree that if we had met earlier when we were younger, things would not have worked out for us.

        Lastly, Matthew Hussey’s dating advice actually works! I discovered his work after I had just gotten married but still follow him because his advice can be used for other aspects of my life (ex. communication in relationships, self-empowerment, etc…). His advice works because what he teaches are the same lessons I learned along the way in the dating world leading up to, meeting, getting married, and still use in my marriage now. Had I known about his work earlier, it would have saved me more time, energy, heartache because he lays out the lessons about what you can do.


  76. Merel says:

    Hi Matt,

    Great video. I completely understand why men do not always feel comfortable enough to talk to women and I feel sad for women who don’t understand that. I am at times terrified to go up to a man myself, because I don’t want to get hurt, so it’s logical for me that quite a lot of men have that same terrified feeling. Sure, I would like them to be a bit braver, but when I’m not brave enough myself I can’t blame them for being insecure and shy.

    Keep up the good work!

  77. Lisa Lofton says:

    Thank you for all this great information! I need any help I can get dating at 40-something after an 18 year marriage. You are very caring and compassionate to provide these videos, etc to the “other side”.
    Keep doing what you do so well – us women need you!!!!!!!

  78. Lauren says:

    Matt just wondering is that a women’s denim jacket your wearing? Ps great response!

  79. heerinpark says:

    Wow… I love what u said in this debate… Yeah… Too many realization and it make me understand tge humanity in me… Thank you.. XDhee

  80. Mary says:

    I wish I knew this before. Makes me sad at what was missed, and happy that there’s a truth to it that is healing.

  81. Kathy eslinger says:

    Thank god.i loved this video.someone who is honest about what it is to be a human being,not just a man or a woman.your passion for your vocation,not job is electrifying.you’ve convinced me to spend all my savings and go to your November retreat this year.you are someone I can relate too.see you there.best wishes

  82. Nancy says:

    Aw men don’t mean to be that way. To me they all have a royal ….men or women have a hard enough time in this world that is so cold and cruel. We all just need to have respect for one another and love and understanding.

  83. Amanda says:

    Thanks Matt,

    Good job. Such an emotionally mature response to some rather illogical comments. I found last week insightful and it clicked for me right away. I’m normally too scared to smile at guys across the room like that. Trying to build the courage thanks to you.

    Keep up the good work. :)

  84. Melissa Guevara says:

    Love your videos Matt, and I personally don’t like to be a hater by leaving mean comments. Nobody is perfect so why do some people seek perfection? Only God is perfect. No matter how annoyed I get by men, I won’t ever hate them. Thank you for everything you do.

  85. Jana says:

    Hi Matt,

    I usually don’t comment your videos, but this time I just had to take the time and try to explain my thougts because my english isn’t perfect. I come from a country where there are loads of so called alpha men who don’t have any problem at all going after women so I have a lot of experience with that kind of men. It made me so sad and angry to hear this comments, because dear ladys you should not want such men!!! Most of them alpha men are selfish and interested in fullfilling their own needs. It’s so sad that some women identify such behavior as beeing a real men but I understand it because I did too till after a lot of heardache I realized that I missed all of these good guys whom I never noticed because there were not so determend in their behavior. So for me a real men isn’t that alpha men, it’s the one who is caring, loving and supporting you! I had an ex who was the ultimate alpha men and after lot’s of dissapointment I asked myself if he would stay with me if I would get sick and I honestly answered it to myself with a no, I just couldn’t imagine it. I’m so sorry that I lost so much time and at me age (I’m 46) it’s getting more and more difficult, Matt would probably disagree but it really is statistics that there are less single men out there. So, I hope my story will be helpfull for some of you out there and I wish you open your eyes for the good guys!


  86. Carlen says:

    The flirting experience is fun! My heart beats a little faster and I wonder if I am about to meet someone fabulous! I am happy beyond measure when I get a big smile and a hello from a guy! I’ll catch that pass and run with it!! LOL, it’s not all that complicated. Be nice and see what happens! My goodness, spread a little love for life and mankind, we all need the encouragement. Thanks Matthew, Your wisdom, videos and humor are priceless!

  87. April says:

    I’m actually just sick of men, period. Most of them can’t find their ass with both hands, Do their own laundry, fix a tire or make a decision on their own. They let women push them around – is this okay? Is that okay, baby?

    Men of my age (late 40′ s and early 50’s) are single for a reason … They are so messed up, nobody wants them.

    What happened to the real men of the 40’s, 50’s and even the 60’s? If I wanted to date myself, I’d get a clone.

    • Kacey says:

      And if you do find a great guy around 50 with a good personality, interested in a relationship, has a stable and independent life… he’s going to start dating someone in her 30’s. The only late 40s – early 50s guys I’ve met who are interested in someone their age are just looking for a hookup. Maybe Matthew should do some videos geared to those of us who are dating a little later in life!

  88. Diana says:

    Men nowadays, many of them are just too demanding and selfish . Expect women to be perfect.

    That’s how I feel based on my observations.

  89. Kayla says:

    I love love love this video! I understand now!

  90. Vivi says:

    Nice job girls make the rest of us look bad and you wonder why you can’t win respect from guys. It’s okay to want a man to be assertive but sometimes it takes two to tango. Take some initiative. My comment is directed at the ones he read about. Am I right?

  91. Ann says:

    Hi Matt,
    Thanks for this and last weeks video!!!! They’re great… I feel sad for all the women who left such mean comments about men. Your advice really helped me to understand that men sometimes are just as shy and insecure about going to a stranger and talk to them out of the blue like women are, like me for example. The 7 subtle ways of flirting showed me that my guy was actually flirting with me after I started talking to him and that he was doing it before. And I’m so glad I didn’t gave up just because he didn’t show a strong and super obvious reaction like “I want you too”. He was shy and did not know if he was bothering me by coming over and talk to me every day (we take the same train in the morning).
    Now we’re dating for some weeks and have an incredible time together. He’s not that shy anymore, he tells me that I look great and he can’t take his eyes off of me, that he misses my kisses and that he is sexual attracted to me. And he is a caring kind of guy and very thoughtful. In fact…..he is a real man!!!
    So girls…look out for these guys and start talking to them. At least it’s worth the try.
    Thx to Matt and his team for all the support they give. Ann

  92. Cindy says:

    Nice message- I like the fact you remind us that we are all human and we need to be more compassionate to others even though it seems so easy for us to do. I like your videos as it keep me looking at myself and know what I am in control of or not.

  93. Janise says:

    Being quick to judge often means its coming from a person who has a lot of experience. I have always been able to tell when a man is interested and when he is not. If I give him signals and he doesn’t respond I move on quickly. Often guys only get one change to pursue a women of interest. It may be the one and only time he sees her and that opportunity could be lost forever. As they say opportunity knocks once. Too many people miss meeting each other because of not following through.

  94. Holly says:

    I love this video!

    It helps me with anxiety when talking to a man to remember he has the same range of emotion that I do. I have to give someone the same signs that I would need to help me be brave.

    Ps the denim tux that you have going on… A+ be you my friend!!

  95. Annemarie Carrigan says:

    Mathew why are good men always run with the good men and bad men runs with the bad men. How can I spot a guy that is just pure good?

  96. Janise says:

    Alpha males feel the fear but approach a woman anyway. Beta men turn into little scared boys. A woman wants a real man, one who has leadership qualities and a beta man who shys away from a woman is not demonstrating leadership qualities that turn women on. A man who cannot cross a room to talk to me or to say hello is not man enough to be in my life. If he is afraid of “NO” then how can he handle real challenges in life and in a life with a woman & their family. Its not what a man does but what a man doesn’t do that women notice as well. A man is his actions and inaction is a trait of a coward and little boy. Its a graet way for a women who wants a real man to weed out the fishing pool. All a woman needs to do is watch a man’s actions to know who he is and to discover if she wants to be with such a man. Shyness is for High School. Its unattractive to a woman.

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