What If I’m A Virgin?

Last week I put out a video on how to answer, “how many people have you slept with?”.

It received an overwhelming response, with one question being asked over and over in the comments…

…”What do I say if my answer is zero? What if I’m a virgin?”

Women wrote back in droves saying that they have a hard time telling guys this, and that they wanted a strong, reassuring answer that doesn’t intimidate guys or freak them out.

If that’s you, whether you believe in ‘no sex before marriage’, or are just on the fence about when to get intimate with someone for the first time, you’ll want to check out this video…

For how many of you did the first time just SUCK? Tell your story in the comments below!

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153 Replies to “What If I’m A Virgin?”

  1. Matthew,
    THANK YOU for listening to and answering me and the numerous other women on the other post regarding the topic of virginity. This video is very helpful, I appreciate your points for it to not be worn as a badge and that it’s only as big a deal as we make it. Also, your sensitive approach as to how you would address your sister or daughter spoke to me and I literally shed a tear (didn’t expect that lol). Thank you for all that you do, you’re a gem and I appreciate you!

  2. My first time was awful and I wish I hadn’t waited so long, til I was 21, I put sex on a pedestal and it hindered me.

    I think I will be a better wife because I will come to that with perspective of years of figuring out my body in the context of enjoying another one. It is NOT as simple as loving someone and hoping the rest falls into place. By keeping sex out of your life you may be keeping yourself from the experiences that would have led you to this imaginary perfect safe lover.
    Oh, rabbit holes. Mafyew, you are so smart to turn the conversation to the elephant in the virgin room: guilt.

    Own yourself so you can give yourself, girls.

  3. Hey Matthew,

    Great video, and last week’s too. I like that you are exploring different areas with your advice. But continuing with the topic you are on now… what about having to tell a guy you are NOT a virgin, while that is what he wants and expects, due to his value system? I guess in that case you have to rely on him understanding that virginity doesn’t make or break a girl, right? Thanks,

    Joyce

  4. You are amazingly mature, genuine and wise. Gosh that is so hard to find in a guy, especially one in their twenties. Can we clone you 100 times?? =)

  5. “It’s not a badge that you wear.’
    Really thank you for this whole video. I think alot of girls struggle with shame/guilt over still being virgins and some for not being virgins. And for me that really did take the pleasure principle totally out of sex and turned me for a while into a virtually asexual bystander to my own desires and sexuality. I wish someone could have said to me if only in passing, ‘your vagina is not a gift for the world.’ lol It’s a gift for me and sex and intimacy are wonderful things too, especially when you’ve found the right person.

  6. Ah, yes. The First Time. Physically, not so great, because ouch. But I chose the right guy: smart, sweet, patient, sensual and creative. It wasn’t until my second year at University that I felt enough of a connection and that I wanted him…badly. It might sound a little silly, but choosing sexual partners wisely is a wonderful gift to yourself.
    I have the relatively rare experience of still being friends with him and of having been able to have a conversation about it 20 years later.

    We laughed about the fact that he might have been a better lover for me if I had told him he was my first (communicate, Ladies!), yet, in a moment of straight-up honesty, he told me that having that information at the time might have sent him running. (Communicate it in the RIGHT WAY, Ladies! LOL!)

    I love Matt’s take on this and his treatment of it. (Dammit, boy, I love that thing between your tiny ears!)
    “Your vagina is not the best part about you.” – What a ridiculous statement, and one that is SO IMPORTANT for young women to remember. Give yourself the gift of a man who innately understands this; somebody who loves your mind as much as your body. (BTW, he should be allowed and welcome to love your body. Shut up and let him admire all of you. That takes bravery.)

    The first time for anybody is not going to be a perfect experience. Perfection doesn’t exist, but it can be good. I like what Eve said, below. Don’t be afraid of it, have the experience, and have it consciously.

  7. Hi Matthew,
    Thanks for posting this important video, I’m a 30-something year old virgin & your advice was so refreshing. I needed to hear that it’s ok to enjoy sex & that we shouldn’t wear our virginity as a badge of honour. Such powerful statements! I truly appreciated these life lessons. Thanks!

  8. I was 18 when I did it for the first time. And I can sort of laugh about it now because I made the decision to do so at the time partially due to the song that was playing in the background. The song happened to be “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer, and it was in a list of songs I had made previously to what song I would want to lose my virginity to. So I took that as a sign that the time was right! Looking back, I do still think the time was right for me. Even though I am no longer with that person anymore, I was for a long time and we’re still on good terms.

  9. As a very religious and spiritual gal myself, shame is something that I believe is from the devil. There is a different feeling from having shame, which is often more psychological and guilt that I believe is more spiritual and can be healed.
    Thank you, Matthew, for not bashing girls who wait. What I like about the Mormon culture is that we do what we can to be prepared for anything and everything… Knowledge is of God. Rarely are you prepared at 15/16, or have any clear idea of what happens to your body. Frankly, Mormon gals generally are able to be well prepared, seeing doctors, doing what they can so their first time is hardly traumatic. It’s that preparation and having security of marriage, even if it doesn’t last, you are almost guaranteed you will see them for sure for many days following, especially if you are on a honeymoon for a week or two, even if you hate how they do they dishes and pull a Kimmie… It’s just a much more pleasant and less upsetting way to lose your virginity. Security; being bound to someone who very well is making an eternal change to your body and possible a third… Flippant actions can lead to heavy consequences. You ARE giving your soul to someone, your body is your soul and unless you have no value to life itself it is a gift, because the act of creating life is a gift, because you ARE valuable beyond belief…

  10. Hi Matt,
    I think you’ve said some interesting points, and you’ve spoken your thoughts on the “virgin” topic as delicately as you could say.
    For me, it’s a personal/spiritual choice to remain a virgin until marriage, but I connected to what you’re saying about guilt/shame. That’s a whole other topic itself, with a vast landscape of rabbit holes and tangents!
    Thanks for hearing your viewers requests and responding timely and politely!

    Cheers!

    Rachel

  11. Good video but actually the girl asks for an advice to how to reply, not to change what she believes in… why is it easy to change people’s believes instead of giving her a solution to act upon her belief? ? Some guys does matter that to them, for example they don’t want the lady to have too many sexual partners but in the same time they don’t want it to be Zero! What crazy men & world are we living in!

  12. Hey i like what you said about that it s not a gift that was funnyy and true but i don t think that you have given an exact answear to the question , i like what you said about not stressing the topic but didn t like what u said about enjoying life and sexuality , being a virgin i have fundamental reasons not only religious but also , it s respecting once self whether u care to admit it or not u have said it urself guys want girls to have less guys in their lives then they do , doesn t this tell us that in fact guys would also prefere that their girls remain virgins ?

  13. Hi Matthew,

    Thanks for sharing your perspective on this.

    I think we worry too much about what other people think sometimes. I really like how you touched on both sides – if you’re sexually active, it’s ok; and if you’re waiting, don’t let that define you either because a guy’s reaction to either situation is out of your control and ultimately will give you the answer if he’s someone you want in your life.

    Finally, on a personal note, I will say whether you’re sexually active or not, don’t be afraid to talk about sex with your doctor, girlfriends, even guy friends ~ people you feel you can trust and feel comfortable with. Out of the blue I’ve had conversations with my girlfriends and guy friends about sex and it was so refreshing knowing I’m not alone with certain feelings or experiences.

    Thanks again :)

    xx

  14. Matt,
    I’m with you on things being as big of a deal as you make them to be. This applies to everything in life–whether it is your looks or lack thereof or some quality or imperfection…..and virginity.
    I’ve seen short guys who are totally cool with their height and carry it so well that they are even more attractive than taller guys. I’ve seen women who are so comfortable and at peace with their extra weight or curves that it immediately becomes irrelevant to their personal appearance. All of sudden, all that matters is how their eyes sparkle and the weight becomes invisible.

    I really loved how you addressed this virginity (or non-virginity) issue as “just a fact” about someone rather than a badge. Depending on the situation and person one’s status as a virgin or non-virgin or their “number” tends become a burden when it shouldn’t have to be. We all have the right to make our own choices and have our preferences. It is ultimately a matter of personal choice.

    This video was a lot mature than your last where you recommended being evasive and side stepping the issue and which I completely disagreed with and found rather fishy and dishonest.

    And you are right, the virginity status declaration evokes strong reflex reactions. Some comments I’ve heard consistently for waiting for marriage is-
    -how can you marry someone without knowing you are sexually compatible?
    -why not find out before you are emotionally invested if you are sexually compatible with someone or not?
    -how can you overcome your basic urges to wait so long?

    Sometimes I just don’t know how to address these.

    From my point of view, I can never understand how any two people can sleep together if there is no emotional connection and some level of commitment. Since when do two people have to go all the way to see if they are marriage material? Chemistry and sex are important but there are other ways to test that and that is not what keeps a marriage together anyway.
    But I recognize these as my own concerns and feelings and not a prescription of things ought to be for the rest of the world.I don’t ever judge other people’s choices.

    There are pros and cons to every choice–so it all boils down to personal preference and values.

    But not everyone is like that. People are judgmental about anyone who is different from them. They make bizarre extrapolations–that I must be asexual or overly religious, repressed and what not. Men, especially begin to press and keep trying to change my mind and convince me that I should be having sex and be “free” about it–especially with THEM. I think THEY need to be a bit free about letting others be. There are some highly “benevolent” (sarcastic) souls who think it is their duty to liberate me from my chains of chastity and keep trying to get me to “open up” and sleep with them.
    This gets very tiresome after a while and difficult to deal with. Of course it is obvious that these guys aren’t a match if they can’t even respect my choice when I don’t bug them for their choices.
    If you have any advice on how to deal with the “Aftermath” of dropping the V-Bomb on men–please enlighten me on how to
    –verbally deal with the slew of judgments that follow
    –attempts to change my mind and persuade me to sleep (with them, presumably) because, you know, it is about time that I became an “adult”
    –extremely bizarre and weird interpretations of my character which are totally wrong..by men and women alike.
    –becoming suddenly very attractive to a certain kind of man who wants to be the one to “deflower”, who wants to “save me” from my sexless prison, wants to be”teach me” the ways of the world down under, who feels “better” than me because of my lack of experience (no matter how worthless he is otherwise in life)…..you get the drift.

  15. Thank you, Matthew for addressing this issue. I stayed a virgin until 34 for religious reasons. Then, I quit my religion and had sex with someone who not only knew and understood, but it was his first time too. That’s over, and almost three years later I’m dating someone I like, and since he doesn’t know yet that I belonged to that religion I think he doesn’t expect me to have been just with one guy at my age. So, although I’m not a virgin anymore, it’s still awkward, but I’ll follow your advice as if I were a virgin. I’ll explain my religious reasons I had, and how this is not an issue anymore. He’ll be happy and even might feel fortunate not many men were there. So, I’m more confident now. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It was my decision to stay a virgin until I changed my mind. :)

  16. I like the whole “your vagina is not a gift to the world” thing but the reverse is also true. A guys dick is not a gift to the world, and shouldn’t be. However it should be considered a gift by the person who loves them. Sex shouldn’t be the best thing in a relationship but it shouldn’t be taken too lightly either. I feel like sex is still a big step to take in a relationship with someone you really care about, and that the other person does need to earn it if it’s meant to mean something. I feel that you’re at your most vulnerable (physically and emotionally) when you have sex and doing that with someone requires a lot of trust which, like loyalty and love is a test that lasts a lifetime.

  17. Great post Matt :)

    I find it hard to talk about with people as it’s not widely accepted in general. For me it’s a personal choice, not a religious one. I think for me, like the college girl who wrote in, it’s more about wanting something authentic with someone and sharing my body isn’t a gift, but it’s definitely special and something of value to me.

    Flipping it away on a one night hookup, seems a little disrespectful to myself more than anyone. Sure, I might enjoy it briefly and have an interesting story, but I’d just prefer to be sexually active while in a relationship rather than it be fleeting. I admire people who can detach from it and have casual sex, but I think it just doesn’t suit my personality. I would get too attached to people and start to care for them. I guess there are a few things that tie into it for me like trust, and feeling safe with someone as well.

    I have had a few opportunities, but have just been unlucky I guess (mainly said guy enterting into a relationship with another girl instead). I’m not disilusioned (ie saving it for the love of my life or whatever), but am I getting older and I guess it’s becoming harder subconsciously to put myself out there as my confidence is waning from lack of experience. I also thought it would have happened by now.

    I like what you said about not wearing it as a badge, as thats how I feel sometimes even though I haven’t revealed it to anyone yet. I think people are perceptive though, and have guessed.

    Appreciate the post and comments

    Jen
    x

    Jen
    x

  18. Hi Matt,

    Very good video! I do have a question, one that’s been on my mind for a long time. You mention it doesn’t have to be a badge and it can just be a fact but it won’t be forever.
    But also if we built this up to a thing where it’s not fun anymore and it fills us with dread and we wonder how we should communicate and what we should do that somewhere we’ve lost our way.
    This is exactly the thing except also the scenario of the girl in college who wants it to mean more applies to me. The good friends I have also have bad experiences with men. Just because they’re exceptionally beautiful and that seems to be a reason to get harassed more than most other girls. (Just being plain honest.)
    Now it has become a thing and we all have come to the point where we don’t know we can have sex with someone anymore ALTHOUGH we do want to. ‘Cause we haven’t stopped being sensual, sexual people.
    Ofcourse, not one of us wants to have this baggage but my body won’t even let me not get stiff as a broomstick when someone touches me or tries to kiss me. (Happens a lot so I have built up reflexes which also show up when I’m in the exceptional situation when I do want to be kissed. Which recently happened.)
    So how do you tell somebody you’re scared of having sex again? When I get scared and feel vulnerable, my eyes get wet. Definitely going to cry then. Not exactly a turn on. Don’t want to cry in the middle of it if it’s going well just ’cause of feeling vulnerable.

    With love,
    Esmay.

    1. I need help wih this too please. My 1st love turned out to be an abusive relationship. I have had one bf since and he broke my heart too. I’m just afraid of everything and I don’t know what to do

      1. See my reply to Esmay. It applies to you as you seem to have a painful past your mind needs help sorting through. Looking for professional help is an act of self love. So go for it.

    2. I think you would benefit from talking this through with a counselor or psychologist because the reaction you described indicates you developed some form of trauma. They’ll give you tools that will help you figure things out.

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