What If I’m A Virgin?

Last week I put out a video on how to answer, “how many people have you slept with?”.

It received an overwhelming response, with one question being asked over and over in the comments…

…”What do I say if my answer is zero? What if I’m a virgin?”

Women wrote back in droves saying that they have a hard time telling guys this, and that they wanted a strong, reassuring answer that doesn’t intimidate guys or freak them out.

If that’s you, whether you believe in ‘no sex before marriage’, or are just on the fence about when to get intimate with someone for the first time, you’ll want to check out this video…

For how many of you did the first time just SUCK? Tell your story in the comments below!

153 Responses to What If I’m A Virgin?

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  1. fatemeh says:

    hey honey .
    just absolutely spot on . don’t listen to the haters , ignore the comments below , it’s a new era for women and for the first time we are getting closer than ever to be equal to men .
    thank you for your love and support and genuine understanding towards women .

  2. Kim says:

    One of the best vids he’s ever done (and we know he’s done some good ones!) thanks, matthew!

  3. Berlin says:

    Matt, thank you so much for making this video.

    I have been faced with this question many times over the past few years and have never been clear on how to answer. My usual response is, “I have not found a man that will guarantee to still be by my side in the morning.” It is not that I am believe that I am waiting for love but I do hope to have some level of commitment to the relationship.

    Since starting university, I was shocked by how my sexual inexperience is such a turn off to some men. On more than one occasion, I have heard, “I will never sleep with a virgin again.” Other than the rumors that the inexperienced become clinging, I do not understand the adversity.

    Although I do not define myself by my number of sexual encounters, I find that my friends do. On numerous occasions, I have been set up with men for the simple fact that we are both virgins. Yes, they were friendly, but we had nothing else in common. I always cringe when I hear, “You should meet so-and-so. He is a virgin too.”

  4. Hans says:

    Hi, could you post something about how to add genuine value to a mans life?:)

  5. Debbye says:

    matt, this is so out of place on this video.
    What about one night stands? Does that make a girl a “slut” in your eyes? How is that it seems to be ok for men to do that but wrong for girls to enjoy their sexuality that way? Theres always a little bit of guilt and judge from people, even your girlfriends, and I dont think thats right. How do I fix that? What you think about the subject?

  6. Kooky says:

    I love being virgin .my reason is I’m religious person and my religion is the nature and I respects myself and my body .for men when they hear the word virgin they will think :
    a) she is a waste of time , she won’t make me have sex with her . for him virginity is more of a turn-off if he is just looking to hook up with her because he doesn’t want things to be awkward in the bedroom and he doesn’t want to go through the trouble of showing her how it’s done. Some guys get freaked out and think that a girl who is a virgin is either super religious or younger than she looks. and he thinks if he will have sex with her it will be bad ?!?!?! that’s why they run away .or fearful for of the pain factor for the Woman .( when I searched about bad sex I thought it was about bad sexual intercourse , but it wasn’t . it was about the environment and not being relax and thought free) .
    b) it’s great for being their first . the girl has nothing to compare him with ,so she won’t judge him of his “performance” . she doesn’t get any STDs or anything like that. she is untouched ,inexperienced…so he likes to be the first to explore her body and can do whatever he wants . she will always remember her 1st . she chose him after careful consideration. he prefers a woman who is more of a challenge… someone who doesn’t give herself away easily and respects herself enough to make him peruse her to prove he is worthy. knowing that your partner has sexual memories with someone else always buzzes his mind.

    “Your vagina isn’t your gift to the world” . i agree with you because my vagina is my gift to a special person .
    I’M surprised by knowing that being virgin is sham . well you can find ALOT of virgin girls in the middle east , Africa , east Europe , Asia , and in the center of the us . and the MOST of them are very proud .
    I don’t have problem with virginity . I have problem with fornication . fornication destroyed what sex means . what I don’t like about fornication is having sex before making a big ceremony (wedding). with fornication no one is understanding the real VALUE OF SEX. these days KIDS are having sex . fornication is the wrong way of having sex . some women think if guys haven’t had sex with them, they won’t get any guy !!! . Fornication has also resulted in several unwanted pregnancies, where many are aborting and some even lost their womb or even their lives in the process of abortion . when something is against the nature something wrong will happen . ( let’s take HIV , AIDS , STD , ……..etc). all these diseases are not happening by coincidence , because there is nothing called coincidence in the nature (isn’t weird that AIDS is too RARE to happen to married people , especially the faithful married couple ?! WHY??? ). We are mostly driven by reason . Humans have feel a sense of right and wrong . We all have a basic conscience (just use your brain , your instincts and your conscience ). these days women have to have sex to keep a guy around her or simply he leaves .
    and as I said before, sex is a gift I’ll save to special man. and because sex a is a beautiful thing we celebrate before we have sex in big ceremony with family and friends and with people who we love . that big ceremony called (WEDDING) . I want to remember the first time that we screwed up and laugh on it . when I will have sex with my husband I won’t be worry of diseases or kids . sex is a holy thing . The woman’s uterus is a holy place , because it’s the place that human being are made . and the men’s COC which made in a beautifully way is a holy thing too ( with fornication and adultery men use condoms which is a HUGE TURN OFF , because I won’t enjoy seeing my husband COC ). so these holy things should be used in the right way and make a big ceremony (WEDDING) announcing to the world that ( WE WILL HAVE SEX ) .
    my virginity and my vagina is a gift . as you open your gifts by your hand , you open the virgin vagina by your penis .
    I believe that everything on this earth was created rightly . you have the option to choose to use the thing in the right way or the wrong way , how do you know ? see what the nature tells you.
    I want you to ask yourself and be honest :
    why men don’t want women to be slept with many people as they have themselves slept with???.
    why is it difficult to you to see your daughter or sister to be sexual ??? why is not easy to imagine , what if that person was her husband are you going to have the same feelings ???
    Matthew we have the right to do the right thing and to do the wrong thing ,but we have to re-thinking everything you know , then have the guts to change , and say the truth = nature.
    do you want to know why I hate condoms ,because :
    penis + condom = sausage
    to me sausage is not sexy , because they are just meat with no life inside it , not like penis which has life and it’s …;)

    thank for being honest .

    • marcia says:

      “Your vagina isn’t your gift to the world” . i agree with you because my vagina is my gift to a special person . Totally agree =) Thank you Kooky

      • Vavavoom says:

        My vagina isn’t a gift to anyone, someone or the one. It’s my holy temple. And you have to be in love with me/care about me innerly to be inside of me.
        My vagina is not a commodity. I don’t come in that form.

    • Summer Kelly says:

      Oh my gosh….I totally agree with everything you’ve said!!!!!!!!!!:)First of all, for me at least, i just can’t handle the fact that the guy I would be having sex with, has had many sex partners before me. I’ve accepted reality though that I will never meet a guy who is a virgin. But that’s the point because I would want the same for him? So that’s why I’m just saving it. Yes, Fornication is a big deal, and unfortunately,it has to take a back-fire of nature for the person of his/or/herself to see it (e.g. getting an std or what not-and even sometimes still continue in fornication). Are people really this horny to be just screwing any guy/girl? And always having one-night stands? I personally think there is something more to all of this, either it’s Satan (if you’re religious), the media, or these people didn’t grow up with a mother or father figure in their life. In the end, we can’t entirely blame a person for their mistakes-let’s just hope they understand and realize what they’ve done once they’re finally ready for marriage.

  7. Annie says:

    Long time ago (when I was 16) I had this fantasy that I will lose my virginity with someone special. But finding a nice guy whom I could tell that I am virgin and he wouldn’t get scared of dissapear because of that seemed impossible. I got older, turned 20 and things didn’t change a bit, so I gave my virginity away to a… pretty sexual freak, 10 years older than me. He just got me in his appartment, gave me a glass of wine and started taking my clothes off. I could have just run away but I really wanted to lose my virginity. The only thing I could think about then was – will he notice? He didn’t and I was just happy with the fact.
    3 years later, I have had many sexual partners but no real relationship. I learned that you don’t need to be in a relationhip to have sex. All of these guys have forgot about me, they don’t even live in my country. But all I see that I had a great time and learned so many things about how to be good in bed, how to give an excellent blowjob, what arouses men etc. And this is only the beginning. I see this as an investment, so by the time I (maybe) find somebody special (in my 30ies, 40ies or 50ies), I will already have had experience amd I will be able to keep the guy a longer time. Because, let’s be real, guys want great sex. I think that this is the main reason why they step into a relationship. If they have awesome sex with someone, they don’t want to lose it. Of course, I could never ever tell my actual number (I don’t count, but let’s say 80 or so). Thanks Matt for the previous video, so I don’t have to tell it to anyone.
    I have doubted my actions as well. I have thought that I shouldn’t have had sex with men, but at the same time I just want to enjoy life. I know that tiny bit of intimacy that I can get via sex is all my life can offer to me so far.
    Lately I don’t feel that bad about this anymore, thanks to you. I have learned how to tell the difference if the guy just wants to have sex with me or is up for something more serious. I know this really early on, before we have had sex. But 99.9% of time it is the first thing mentioned. So no, I am not dooming the potential relationships. It is that guys don’t want serious relantionship with me at the moment and instead of crying I try to benefit from that. Times change, but I really don’t want to wait all of my life for true love. And what if it this “true love” ends in 3 months? And I am too old to build up something new? I decided to create my life by myself instead of hoping for it to happen my way.

    • Vavavoom says:

      … wow… Matt, please comment….
      Girl you and I are so opposites I don’t even know where to begin.
      Do you mind if I ask you what your age is and if you’ve been in a relationship before? I thought you said you haven’t but… I have to ask again to be sure. If yes, how long was the longest?

      I’m not the dating coach i know, but to me you sound ike someone who wanted t to be speciel, but presents your self as a playmate/sexual experience to be had….
      Remember that a guy has to get to know you and see what makes you girlfriend material or wife materiel to want more. i’m curious if that’s what is going wrong. I’d take my self of the sexual market when dating if i were you…
      And no hanging from the chandelier won’t make a man commit. I’m sure Matt has videos on the subject of commitment on here… I’m curious what Matt would say to this story and dating philosophy…

      • Annie says:

        Thanks for the comment, Vavavoom. I am 23 years old. No, I haven’t been in a relationship before. I have been reading and watching Matt’s advices for over a year now, but I still haven’t made it over the first date. It just seems like whatever I do, I always get viewed as a playmate only. I don’t even have the opportunity to show myself as a girlfriend potential. Surely guys decide on the first minutes in a date what they would like to do with the girl, and I can’t change it. Denying sex just makes them keep pushing or run away and never contact me again.

        • Anais says:

          “I know that tiny bit of intimacy that I can get via sex is all my life can offer to me so far.” I have a question for you…Why not believe that your life can offer you deeper intimacy with a man? Do you personally believe that sex is all you have to offer a guy? if so it may some how be coming out when you date these guys, or you might be attracted to men who are showing signs of mainly being out for a casual fling, just some things to think about.

          • Vavavoom says:

            Anais I thought the same thing. Which for you Annie means no mixing up dating for sex-intimicy vs. dating for a boyfriend. Have your sex if it makes YOU happy, but seperate the two. Decide what you’re dating this man for.

            Annie, you should never succumb to sex if you do you lose their test of you as a high value woman, which means you lose the girlfriend-material showcase opportunity.

            My ex initially only wanted sex but ended up being the one who wanted to date for a relationship after 3. date. A week after meeting he was begging for a relationship, I dumped him 5 months later. So it’s not impossible – but I did set sexual bounderies and insisted on getting to know eachother and having friend-like fun/a real date. (He fell for our similar taste in entertainment and was excited about spending our days together, he always said it was great to have a girlfriend who was actually a friend to do things with, which is exactly what I was looking for). That’s how the third date turned into 5 months.

            A more practical tip: Consider how you dress for a date – no cleavage etc. give your self a make-under (opposite of make-over which intends to make you more beautiful). Try a more down to earth /girl next door type. Less is more.

            See if you can pull of getting into the friend zone instead when dating for a boyfriend. Try going out with a guy you’re less sexually interested in, and “make the mistake” of him choosing not to make you his girlfriend OR make you (or failing at attempting to) sleep together. Try going to the opposite end of the spectrum – not creating the perfect middle road, the boyfriend – but the extreme opposite. Fall into the friend zone. Fail at getting a boyfriend. Decide to make a friend while hiding under a date.

            If romantic feellings evolve, have this friend develop his feelings for you over the course of the developing friendship – then date him (again).
            But for now, decide to take all sexuality out of the game, even (most of) your own initial sexual attraction to him. Date someone you’d like to be friends with and would/could grow on you romantically/sexually IF you liked his personality and made an emotional connection.

            Please know it’s normal they get disappointed there’s no sex, they have double standards/conflict of interests within them – YOU tell him which interest (playmate/sex vs. love) this is and settle the conflict.
            The bad thing about this double standard is how they judge us by asking how many we slept with once they do want us for love as Matt talked about recently, the good news is you can have your sex-intimicy you were talking, about given how willing they are. Consider it our luxury that you get to choose which camp we’re (him and you) in.

            Sry for long respond, your story touched my heart, and I really wanted to give you my relationship story. I know that situation proved you can turn a playboy into a boyfriend. I only wish you could timetravel as fly on wall :) So please take hope from it

            Of course Im not the dating coach so we’ll see what Matt says… :)

      • Anais says:

        Vavavoom, for some reason I can’t reply to your comment below with your dating approach advice to Annie but I wanted to say you give insightful advice…As in viewing dating more as “making a friend” rather than focus on sex. The only thing I wonder about is a friendship usually wouldn’t involve flirting. Matt encourages flirting. However I also find in my own experience men to want to move with me too fast sexually when I flirt..even if it’s subtle sexual flirting. So perhaps even flirting depends on the individual. Maybe if you’re someone who just naturally seems to give some sot of sexual attraction vibe, or if you are naturally very sexually attractive, it makes more sense to focus more on building a friendship-like connection…I’d also like to know what Matt says about this

  8. Maria says:

    Great video Matthew. I also listen to Corey Jenkins and he had a great video too which talks about Spirituality and Sex with Jenn Clark. It’s really interesting – maybe other ladies would be interested in listening to it; hope it’s ok to post the link here: Spirituality and Sex in the Same Conversation?


  9. Laurie says:

    Amazing, Matt! I’m always impressed how on point you are with your advice. Thank you for this video. It really spoke to me :)

  10. Sabrina says:

    What if you’ve already freaked out your boyfriend about being a virgin? How do you come back from that? I never wanted to be one but that’s just what happened in the course of my life. In my youth I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin and later I never met people that I desired. Now I am 36 and I am stuck. I’m not holding out on purpose but I don’t want to sleep with just anyone either “just to get it over with”

  11. Dee says:

    Hey Matt:

    I sent an email a little while back regarding a similar YouTube video to compliment you on how you are handling this subject. I stumbled across that video by accident, and then just came across this. Long story short, I teach philosophy and religion at the college level and I have a seminary degree. I come from a conservative religious background where waiting until marriage is expected, but at the same time while holding to this standard I’ve had a much better experience with dating men (whether or not they share my viewpoint) than I think many women have had when it comes to this issue. And, I have to say, you generally give much better advice – as a secular dating coach – than I think most pastors or priests would. So, my compliments again. Good job.

  12. Mandy says:

    Awesome video Matthew. It’s an issue that can’t be the elephant in the room anymore. I will admitted that I let my status of being a virgin be a big problem and I wore it like a badge. And I always let it be baggage when entering relationships. This week video really spoke to me. After watching this video and reading all the comments; it is nice to know that I am not the only one in the same situation. I am quite impressed with your initiative on this topic Matthew. One thing that I can promise you is that I hold my head a little higher and I will not let my virginity be badge but only a fact about myself that will not last long.

    Thanks you! :)

    Mandy xx

  13. Angela DeRossette says:

    Dear Matt,

    I just wanted to say thank you for covering this topic. Many people who are the “love professionals” seem to skip overt the topic completely or just expect you to just sleep with every you come in contact with literally. I appreciate your objective/subjective view on this topic. I am in the similar situation and can relate. I often wonder how to handle the situation, but I now feel after watching the video I can move on. I know I can keep my personal beliefs, but I do not have to let my beliefs keep me from being happy and to one day find the one.


    Angela DeRossette

  14. miyu says:

    I really appreciate that you are dealing with this.
    I tend to feel that I have this package, full of with negativity about myself, my mistakes and these things will define me forever.
    However, when I am relaxed and do not worry about the life, I feel much more comfortable in my skin.

    Every woman needs this.

  15. Melody says:

    Another question men have asked is “when twas the last time?” Is there a “right answer? If it has been a really long time… or rather recently, how do you feel a woman should answer this honestly?

  16. Matthew Hussey says:

    WOW! I absolutely loved reading all your comments and I am thrilled you have enjoyed the video. Thank you for taking the time to put down your thoughts and feelings on this topic. It makes me so happy that I could help in some way.

    You all are amazing!

    Matt xx

  17. novalee truesdell says:

    feelin’ much better (:
    thank you!

  18. Villy says:

    Dear Matt,

    This was a great video! I love how genuine you were :)That was what I was thinking lately… Everything is as much of a big deal as we are make it seem… Can you please, please make a video about whether a girl should tell her boyfriend she is a virgin or not mention it at all because he will realise anyway(not sure about that…I mean how? It often isn’t obvious). Some say he has to know, so as to treat the girl gently etc… As a guy what would you suggest?

    Thanks a lot!

  19. Lizz says:

    I love the part when you say “Your vagina is not your gift to the world” xD Cracked me up.
    But I wanted to thank you for this video… I’m a virgin for religious reasons (I’m waiting til marriage) and I have been building it in my head as a burden because I’ve been dumped or rejected because of it. But I realized that this belief is a part of me and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you Matt!

    • Lulu says:

      Me too! I totally cracked up and started clapping for this brilliant line.

      And I totally agree with the idea that sex is special but it shouldn’t become a label.

  20. Bee says:

    I stayed virgin until 21 (most girls lost theirs in early high school…) but I wanted to lose with with someone I had a deep connection with.
    So I met this guy when I was 21 and fell in luv. I dont even remember the first time we had sex as it was so ordinary. It faded into the past. We stayed together for only 3 months but I am glad I waited.
    If you are a virgin just wait for someone you have connection with and relax, but don’t overestimate its meaning. Sex becomes better with practice.

  21. Nettie says:


    I wish I had seen this way back when I was still carrying my v-card… Some time ago I met a really cool guy I liked. We had amazing dates, we were really into each other, but I never told him straight up I was a virgin. I was embarrassed about it, to be honest. My shameful secret. I felt like it was about time I had lost it and I felt like a giant abnormal loser for still being one. I never waited for religious purposes, I just hadn’t met anyone I wanted to lose it to. He assumed I wasn’t a virgin, of course, so every time we ended up alone he would make a move and I’d just say it was too soon to be intimate (truth is, I scared to reveal I was a virgin!). I think after the third time I said no, he probably realized it and pretty much broke up with me soon after, saying he didn’t want anything serious and didn’t want to lead me on and hurt me. He never contacted me again. I felt so embarrassed and sad. Honestly I didn’t know how to handle my virginity, and I know he figured it out. So I feel like I lost a cool opportunity with someone amazing just because of awkward me not knowing what to say. I really liked him and I think I turned him off. I was mortified and ashamed. And felt so alone and doomed…

    Then some time passed, the opportunity came up to me and I TOOK IT! In my point of view I didn’t LOSE anything, I GAINED something! Nobody ~took anything from me, but I took the following things: Control over my body and decisions, empowerment, liberation, pleasure, experience, enlightment, discovery, a new side of me. This was for ME and ME only. MY body, MY experience. MINE. For no one else. I wasn’t a gift to anyone; the gift was for ME! And it was GREAT! The guy was handsome, sweet, super attentive, sexy, he taught me HOW to do it, how you control it, how you make it feel good for you, how you relax and let go. He treated my body with respect, with care, with patience… It was a bit painful, sure, but not too much because I relaxed and let go. I didn’t even bleed (what!). It was wonderful. And I’m so happy and thankful that I had the perfect first time, even if later than I wanted it. Because I realized that the person I had been waiting for to do it… was me. This was for me. Not a hypothetical man, not an ideal, not a rule.

    You’re the only one who matters because it’s YOUR experience. If you’re still virgins, make sure your first time is great for you. You are the only person who needs this experience to be beautiful, positive, healthy, fun, because it will be unforgettable and the memories will be yours forever. You don’t lose anything, girls. You gain something! And you’re not waiting for the perfect guy: you’re waiting for the perfect moment when you’re so ready, you will choose a suitable guy and you will make the situation perfect by adhering to your standards, respecting your own timing and making it about YOU. This is for you.

    • Karen says:

      Wonderful story Nettie! Nice way to look at it, the part you´re saying you´re really waiting for yourself to be ready.
      For me, it wasn´t such a big deal either. I was 20 by the time I did it for the first time (now 24) and some friends of mine were also ‘still’ a virgin. I didn’t care that much. Except that I felt I was ready to do it for 2 or 3 years before that, but didn’t meet any guys I found nice enough to have this experience with. So like you, I also just waited and by the time I met this guy it was great and he was very sweet and also a bit proud to be my first, haha.
      Thanks for sharing your story!

      • Nettie says:

        Thanks! Haha. I feel very proud of my first time too. No regrets. Even if I was a late bloomer it was worth it, and I know in my heart I couldn’t have found a better guy to lose it to. It couldn’t have been better. Which really proves that first times don’t have to be bad at all! Just relax, don’t be self-conscious, just go for it and make sure the guy knows what he’s doing and he cares about you having a good time too, because even if the first time is painful, the experience can still be very pleasurable. You can still enjoy it. The was very little awkwardness with me, to be honest. And I think it’s all psychological too. I was so ready and mentally prepared, that I just went for it and I knew how to move and what to do. So it’s important for me to this stress out: wait ’til you are ready if you want a really cool first time. The experience is for YOU. Not for God. Not for your husband (who probably won’t be a virgin). Not for your friends. It’s for you. Don’t be peer pressured into anything, either “saving it” or “losing it.” Because this experience only belongs to you. Only you will value it as much as you do.

        And Virgins, remember: you are not losing anything. You are gaining it! Wait for nobody but yourself to be ready! Your first time CAN be amazing. Do not lower your standards. And it doesn’t matter if you’re in love or not. Remember that this experience can still be amazing regardless of that. What is very necessary is finding a guy who is really into you, who respects you, who treats you right, who makes you feel so at ease and comfortable in your own skin and nakedness that you relish in it and let go. Pain will be minimal if you’re comfortable and MENTALLY ready. Many people have bad first times because they are pressured into doing it, or they feel guilty or they’re just not ready. It’s not a bad thing to wait. It’s embarassing to be a virgin no matter your age.

        I so wish I had seen this video back when I met the guy I scared away. I felt like something was wrong with me, and like Matt said, I projected that. Nothing was wrong with me.

        • Nettie says:

          Correction: it’s NOT embarrassing to be a virgin no matter your age! ;) please consider my advice. I wish I hadn’t been so ashamed of my virginity. If you think about it, we are all sexual even before we do it. The awkwardness and fear is all in our minds. You control it. Do it for you. Choose an experienced guy who respects you and knows how to get you in the mood. And enjoy~

  22. Cassie says:

    I liked this video a lot. I’m a virgin and I’m 21 and I have a few good friends who are wonderful girls, are virgins too but for different reasons, religious and non. I’m a virgin because I only want to have sex when I’m inlove and receive quite a bit of patronization from a certain minority of men and women. They’ll ask me if I’ve had sex and when I answer honestly, “not yet”, there is a negative reaction. There’s sometimes an automatic assumption that virginity equals being childlike, naïve and sexually immature. It’s not something I worry about but it is wonderfully refreshing to hear someone say for the record that sexual status and is no way to define a person – it reveals nothing about who you are in essence! Everybody is free to make their own choices which make them happy! Love these videos – they are like wisdom crack!

  23. Zoya says:

    Wow well this makes me think a lot and Indeed it’s hard to find someone to share that special first time with and it’s hard to find someone that makes me feel connected and fully able to give myself without sex being his only intention ..it’s indeed about feeling comfortable and special with someone ….great video

  24. Samie says:

    It’s a good topic. However, I wouldn’t even worry if a guy doesn’t like u because you are a virgin. I personally admire it. The fact that first time Is not easy, is not relevant, everybody is constantly learning in all aspects of life, and this is not the exception. I wouldnt mind to date a guy who doesnt have experience, in fact the idea of knowing a guy who has slept with a lot of women makes me lose interest. As Matthew said, this is one of the greatest experiences of human being. I respect other opinions but seriously the idea of being with one guy and then other and other ..and the number continues… I don’t find any good on that. Feel proud if you decide if you decide to wait till finding the right one instead of doing eaht in just said.

  25. Dawn says:

    Matthew, thank you so much for this video. It meant a lot to hear what you said. I feel like virgins do define themselves as a virgin. And they may be too afraid to lose it because then what? Who are they? And “he” took it. But when you said it’s not about giving anyone anything, it’s about doing something new for the first time. It’s for you, you did it and it was your experience. Also when you said this isn’t a video saying to just go out and have a bunch of meaningless sex, but to lighten up and enjoy life and if it happens it happens. I feel like there is so much pressure on sex and being a virgin that just should not be there. And your video was really relieving to hear. Especially from a guys perspective. Thank you again!

  26. Kim Brooks says:

    Hi Matthew

    Thanks so much for this video. I’m a 37 year old virgin and made a commitment to God at 21 to save myself for my husband. Lord knows I didn’t know I would be still single and still a virgin at this point – I definitely didn’t set out to win any world records lol but now that I’m an older virgin I realize it’s not just about me anymore, it’s about letting society know that whether you do it for religious reasons or not choosing to remain abstinent until marriage is simply a lifestyle choice – one that affords someone with drama-free relationships without clouded judgement and I’ve found that since sex isn’t included in the equation in my relationships I actually get closer to men I’m dating than, what they’ve said, any woman has ever gotten. I believe it’s because my relationships are based on really getting to know each other, valuing each other and spending time emotionally connecting with one another. Thanks so much for this video, I appreciate the part where you said don’t let the fact that you’re a virgin define you. I view myself being a virgin as simply my choice to live my value system out loud and cherish the institute of marriage so much that I choose to save myself for my future husband (thus only having sex with one person in my entire life – oh wow did I just write that lol) Funny thing is, I’m a touchy-feely person (my love language is touch) so I know, for a fact that I will enjoy sex and all its glory when the time comes, but for now I date regularly, men respect my decision to wait (for the most part lol) and I enjoy life. I’m happy about the many women who publicly shared they are virgins with you, which prompted you to record the video. I write about my experience as well in books and talks and such. Thanks for giving us (virgins) a voice and thanks for understanding that we’re not weird or unattractive freaks but simply women who choose to preserve what we feel is very special (our virginity) to the one whom we feel truly deserves it.

  27. Debra says:

    What I find really sad is that many women will get to their 30s, or older before they marry, often because of bad life experiences. The kind of shame women carry from abuse is pretty harsh and I believe that being in control and being able to avoid men who are borderline abusive and are able to ward them off often times is like badge of honor and oddly empowering.
    I am sad that so many, on here, were in situations that very well were abusive, meaning you weren’t ready and just let the guy do whatever he wanted, causing a pretty bad experience. Anyway, I do think that that is a huge factor for women staying away from men and away from the marriage relationship, along with the fact that men are fed very irrational sexual expectations of women through the media/web/internet… women are actually justified in not wanting any part in what is actually abuse.

    • Debra says:

      …meaning men often coerce women in to experiences that aren’t exactly respectful to her… more often than not. I promised God that I would wait and will, but it’s pretty dang hard to find even a good guy among the few who also wait when they also are really aggressive and skip every step that creates trust… anyway, negative rank complete.

  28. Lily says:

    Thank you for doing a video on this topic.

    I’m still not sure if I will tell anyone if I’m being honest. I think I’ll tell the truth right before my first time, since honestly, based on some of my experiences I’d rather keep it to myself.

    I’m not a virgin for religious reasons. I just haven’t done it because I was very socially anxious for a long time and I was sexually abused as a kid. I now have a good therapist and I think that’s helped me a lot. Nobody has really asked about it or bothered me since my early 20s (I’m 28 now), but a few incidents really hurt me. My sister’s friend made fun of me when he assumed I was a virgin. He didn’t ask – he just assumed and tormented me over it. So in addition to the shame of being abused I was now shamed for NOT having sex. Someone abused me when I was 4 years old, but I suppose my additonal punishment was to be shamed and riducled for my natural reaction to being assualted. Another time a co-worker asked me in front of everyone at work if I was a virin. I was so embarassed, but I said that I was. Luckily another co-worker came to my defense and told the person to leave me alone. Or I hear over and over how men want an experienced woman and they don’t want to have to teach women anything.

    I just feel like I can’t trust most people to have any compassion or understanding or sense at all. They will either think something is wrong with me or my virginity will make them want to sleep with me even more. I don’t want people to be turned on or turned off. I want them to see it as part of who I am and want to get to know ME rather than make comments on my sexual status.

    I try really hard to stay positive but I’m not superhuman. If someone says something hurtful to me I’m going to be hurt by it. People say they feel compassion for abuse victims, but it’s like they forget that abused children become abused adults and some people really don’t care about us and what we go through. Sometimes I feel like I’m paying for my own abuse and my abuser got to live a long happy life while I’m fighting just to feel human. I don’t want to be negative but I’m just afraid of someone being cruel to me again about this. It can get very frustrating sometimes.

    Anyway thanks agian for the video. I will keep the advice in mind and maybe I will try a bit of what you suggest and what my own intuition tells me and see what kind of results I get.

    • Jessica says:

      Hi Lily,

      I posted a long essay as a reply to Jessica below, who also mentioned abuse. I hope that reading it might give you a sense of hope that you do not have to be dedicated to the memory of your abuse for the rest of your life and a sense of direction as to how that might be achieved. I was sexually abused as a young adult and lost my virginity to rape. I have several friends who were abused as children as you were. My heart goes out to you, and yet I also know that you are stronger than you feel. You can heal from this. You do not have to hide yourself away from sexual experience, nor do you have to have sex in order to ‘get over it’. You need to know that you are precious. And you are.

      One thing that I did not mention in that essay is that I am now thirty, and after 11 years of being sexually active, my current partner and I have decided to wait until marriage to have sex. This is something that he offered to do after realizing how profoundly I had been affected by the belief that no man would think I was worth waiting for. This level of respect is the most amazing gift that anyone has ever offered me. I know that it is not easy for him, and honestly, it is not easy for me either, but I also know that the virgin that I was before the abuse deserves a wedding night that is special, and I would encourage you to hold on to the same high respect for yourself if that is what feels right to you. You are worth waiting for.


  29. Nicole says:

    I am going to pass this message along to one of my friends. She actually just asked me my advice on this the night before you posted this! I basically gave her the best advice from a girls point of view that pretty much matched almost everything you said, but I think from a guys perspective, it could benefit her. I, myself am not a virgin, although I have decided I would like to wait for the next time to be with someone special so I understand – which to answer that question – NO, my first time was terrible. So was several other times I’ve been with someone. Insecurity can ruin the moment and I think it’s definitely something that many women and possibly men from time to time do experience. Although I think for guys it is different, but i commend those who want to wait. I wish I had, but I do agree with you Matt, that telling someone you are a virgin should be told confidently and with no shame. If the guy runs, well then, he wasn’t the guy for you anyway right? that’s a whole other subject I’m sure :) Great video Matt! I love when you give some of your advice like a big brother. I think it helps us ladies feel comfortable for topics that can be sensitive like this to be addressed from an honest place but also an understanding like a brother as well. At least in my opinion…:) Happy Sunday!

  30. Cwx says:

    I liked what you said about baggage and making a big deal about it. I’m still a virgin at 24 but most people think I’m some sort of perver/deviant because I am confidant in myself and have a very well developed sense of humor (even when it comes to sex).
    To the younger girls who still have their hymen intact, remember you don’t have to justify your choices to the rest of the world. If you meet someone who tries to make you feel awful about it, don’t take it personally. Their behaviour and attitude is just a reflection about their own insecurities of themselves.

  31. Sandra says:

    Hello Matthew!

    Thank you for answering this question! I always appreciate your advice! You’re a good soul! :)

    -the lady from college… lol

  32. L says:

    I just wanted to say, don’t be afraid of inexperience!

    Each time you have sex with someone new, you’re each learning a new language. What works for some people doesn’t work for others. So even if this is your first time with someone who’s had more experience with other people, it’s still his or her FIRST TIME WITH YOU. To have good sex, you need to find someone humble, who’s willing to learn your sexual language, even if it takes time.

    Don’t think you need to test someone out sexually before marriage if you want to wait. Anyone can learn how to be great in bed. You just have to be comfortable with each other and good at communicating with each other, and open to trial and error.

    Once you find that kind of person, have lots and lots of sex. Become fluent in each other’s language. It keeps getting better!

  33. Chantal says:

    Well I’m sure I didn’t go about mine the right way but I was 21 when I lost my virginity. It was the same time I got my first kiss. Yup, it happened all at once. I can’t even say how bad it truly was because I had to get drunk to get the courage to do it. NOT A GOOD IDEA. I know the guy used protection, I remember that. He was a condom nazi…I remember it hurt like a bish at one point so that I was pushing him away. I don’t remember anything else. I’m not sure if I even want to. It was interesting I guess. Not one of my better moments but life goes on. My therapist tells me not to dwell on it too much because sex can be incredible once you find the right person no matter what happened before. I held out so long because I was trying to make it perfect and it still didn’t end up that way. It’s not that big of a deal. When you’re little and people make it seem that way, it is to protect you. In reality, it’s different for everyone and there’s no right or wrong way to go about it. That’s just my opinion. BUT I will say, do it while sober. I lucked out because it was safe and with someone I trusted but some guys take advantage of girls in a drunken state. You need to be present, especially during your first time. Take it from me!

  34. Aliyah says:

    I have so much to say about this. As a religious 26 year old I finally just did it and I have to say I’m glad I did. It was becoming this huge deal and like you say, my vagina is not this gift to someone. It’s just one other aspect of the dynamic, smart, beautiful person I am. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an amazing perk if he can get it ;)

    I was lucky and my first time wasn’t fumbly or awkward, and while it wasn’t with someone I love or was committed, or hello – married, like I originally planned, I will say this; do it with someone you trust, and there can be many levels of trust. As long as you’re comfortable and with someone who won’t hurt you, it doesn’t have to be this scary, monumental thing.

  35. Monica says:

    I love how even though this is a video, I feel like you’re really speaking to me one on one. I’m only 18, and I’m a virgin because I do want to follow “no sex before manogomy.” I don’t have any high expectations that I’m going to be with that person forever, or that it’s going to be truly magical, I just want there to be trust and to know that I didn’t sell myself short. A handful of my friends lost their virginities simply because “everyone else was” and I never wanted to follow that trend. Being the only virgin in a group of friends who have higher numbers always makes me feel like Im the last mammoth on earth. Thank you for being so reassuring and supportive in all your videos, and assuring us to own it and act as if it’s no big deal, because you’re right, it shouldn’t be one. :)

  36. Susie says:


    Thank-you once again – you conveyed honesty, sincerity, warmth, yet heartfelt analysis and real care about the issue – about women in general. Not an easy thing to do or subject to discuss.

    It really made me feel that the good guys will understand and accept us all whether we are virgins, or had x amount of partners – take us for who we are. It was liberating to hear you put this in context – for that I thank-you truely – helped me to expand my consciousness also on this issue.

    Keep up the good work

    Susie xx

  37. Jessica says:

    Hi Matt,

    I’ve had several traumatic experiences in the past, which have kept me away from dating all together. I hid myself for the past 20 years, first because I wanted to protect myself. Later on, I just avoided dating because I didn’t know how to break these news to any possible date. I’ve now met a great guy by accident that is really into me. I want to move slowly and want him to understand my situation, but how on earth should I bring up this subject without scaring him off?


    • Jessica says:

      Hi Jessica,

      I am a Jessica as well :) I know your question is directed at Matthew, but I thought that I would offer some insights that his demographic may not provide him. I am about to say some things that may be intense for you to read, but please know that I am writing this from a place of love for you, and as a fellow former victim of abuse. I will get to the ‘what to say to a guy’ piece in a few minutes, but first, I want to talk to you about you, your essential self, because what to say needs to be delivered in a way that comes from a strong understanding and acceptance of the following worldview in order to be effective: You are a strong, valuable, captivating, and precious woman. You have the power to heal from this completely, even to the point that you can be stronger, more confident, and happier sexually than you might have been had you never experienced the abuse. You do not have to live your life self-defined as damaged goods. From my own personal experience (my own ‘first-time’ was non-consensual, though at an older age than it sounds like the case for you), and from talking with many other female friends who have been working on healing from childhood abuse and other sexual traumas, I have come to believe that there are three main socially-sanctioned, but highly damaging, beliefs that abused women need to overturn in order to reclaim their own sexual, psychological, and emotional sovereignty.

      1. Rape is a fate worse than death.

      You will notice, that even though I have been quite clear about my topic from the beginning, I waited a whole paragraph before using the word ‘rape’. This is because of how emotionally charged that word is. I needed to get you ready to hear it first. Accepting this simple sentence, “I was raped,” changed my whole life immensely–for the better. It took me two-and-a-half years to even hear these words in my own head, and three weeks of breakdown to accept them. Really accept them–no objections, no justifications, no pleading with a higher power to make it un-happen. Just three simple words. When I accepted this sentence, my entire life changed. Acceptance took all of the power to hurt me out of those words and out of the hands of the man who raped me.

      You are fully capable of living your life with no regrets, at peace with every experience you
      have ever had. But first you need to embrace and accept those three words, “I was raped.” This does not mean that what happened to you was ‘acceptable’ in any way. We need to change our world so that the sexual rights of all people are honoured and respected. However, the fact that something unacceptable happened to you can be accepted. This may seem like a ridiculous distinction, but it is very important. Our culture treats rape as one of a few things often considered ‘worse than death.’ This effect is even more intense in cases of child abuse and incestuous child abuse. There is almost nothing in the world considered more shameful, and the abused is often made a double victim, not only traumatized by the actual event, but also by the stigma and by the taint of association. This sends a very strong message: “You are tainted for life, there is no way to get better from this, and you would be better off dead.” Wow. Super helpful, guys, thanks!

      This belief is absolutely false. Mental suffering is not an inevitable permanent effect of any kind of trauma. Once the physical pain has gone, it is the inability to accept what has happened that causes the sensation of suffering left behind. It is like yoga in the mind. Stretching at the limit of your ability is painful, but convince your muscles to stop fighting, and you can stretch further and with less pain. Eventually, your body can do amazing things with no pain whatsoever. It is so with the mind. You may not be able to stop fighting the idea the first time you hear the words in your head. You may not be able to apply the sentence to yourself at first, but with time, with gentle coaxing and stretching, your mind will come around and be able to relax in the presence of these words.

      2. Once you’ve been raped, there is nothing worth saving or sharing anymore and nothing worth living for.

      After an abuse, rape victims may go all over the map sexually. They rarely stay sexually balanced unless they have kept their core self-worth intact through the experience. Victims commonly respond by leaping to one or the other end of the sexual activity spectrum, or yo-yoing back and forth between promiscuity and complete abstinence. Whatever the extreme response, the core belief behind it is: “I am worthless now.” This thought is either followed by, “no one will want me,” or, “there is nothing special left worth saving.” As a conservatively-raised girl from a Protestant background, I believed that my sexual purity was my most precious and fragile source of worth as a woman. As soon as that was taken from me, I went into a deep spiral of identity crises, and the conclusion that I came out with for several years was that I was ruined, my life was ruined, and nothing mattered anymore. I yo-yoed between times of no sexual activity and months at a time of promiscuity, depending on the social environment in which I found myself. I was so shocked when someone was sexually interested in me that I became very biddable to such attention. Then the guilt and shame would drive me to stay at home with books and ignore invitations to go out and socialize, often not answering my phone for days or weeks at a time. Later, I became involved with an emotionally abusive and sexually abusive partner, and I almost married him. I thought that if anyone would have me I’d better take the offer, even though he made my life a living hell.

      The thing that changed this for me was meeting and talking with other women who had gone through similar experiences. It was easy for me to see their value despite their hardships, to even find their friendship more inspiring and precious because of it. In the course of convincing them of their value, I slowly convinced myself of my own. We all supported and validated each other, and much of my healing was influenced by their wise words. Many things that each of us told the others were things that we desperately needed to hear and believe ourselves. As I noticed that talking about it made things better, safer, and less painful for all of us, I realized that it is very important to be open and unashamed about this topic, whenever the situation calls for it. We have no reason to be ashamed.

      We need to learn as a society to open up and be vulnerable enough to start matter-of-fact conversations about sex, sexual health, sexual enjoyment, and sexual rights. Our society has a very confused and confusing love-hate relationship with sex, and that leads to even more infractions on sexual rights. Everyone is getting mixed messages about what is ok to express, and how, and with whom. I was even told by my own brother, “You were date-raped, not raped. It’s not really the same thing.” I could not believe that someone raised in my own family could possibly hold such a belief. He has since changed his views and apologized very sincerely. But it just goes to show that we need to clear things up, and the way to do that is to talk about it unashamedly. We need to take away the mystery and the shame, so that our children grow up knowing that it is safe to talk about sex, no matter what happens.

      In my mid-twenties, I went through a period of several years when I talked about this issue with nearly everyone in my life. At this stage, it was still a big part of what defined me. Over the years, it has become less forefront for me, and now I have several newer acquaintances who do not know about this part of my history. Sometimes this causes confusion when I forget that they have no idea, and I refer to it casually in conversation. But when that happens, it is ok, because the way I talk about it makes it clear that I do not need them to feel pity or pain on my behalf. It’s just a thing that’s not really a thing anymore.

      I cannot describe to you how freeing that is. Imagine that you are no longer afraid of something that for much of your life you believed to be worse than death. I am no longer afraid of so many things. In fact, I rarely feel afraid anymore. I am more inspired to take chances and learn what life has to teach me now. Even the fear of death itself has come to seem powerless. I do feel cautious, sometimes, and I make very conscious decisions about the kinds of people to trust and not trust, but I do not fear that anyone could destroy my spirit anymore. I feel invincible, elated, powerful, wise. I feel peace. I rarely felt those things in the days before I was raped. I know many people who rarely feel them even into old age. Most of those people have never had occasion in their lives to face their deepest fears and emerge from the darkness. And so, for them the darkness remains unknown and paralyzing. But I am free. That is worth living for, and it is worth sharing with others. It is worth modelling to children and raising a family for. It is worth creating art, writing books, expressing however the moment dictates—to get the message across. It is a major inspiration of my life.

      Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not glorifying rape. I am working toward a world where rape doesn;t happen anymore. What I am glorifying is the alchemical power of the human spirit, to heal, to fly in the face of any hardship, and to create a better world. This is your power, and you can use anything to fuel it. Even your worst nightmare come to life.

      3. Rape is an ‘unforgivable sin.’

      This belief is accepted without question by many, but this attitude only makes victims stay victims. Forgiveness is essential to healing. It is not your duty to remain in a state of righteous wrath or to be destroyed because of anyone else’s actions. Your life is yours to live, and there is nothing noble about dedicating it to the memory of your abuser’s actions. That is what a perpetual state of unforgiveness does.

      Forgiveness is something that you can do for yourself, for another person, or both. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel that the other person deserves to be forgiven. This is why—the main person who benefits from the act of forgiveness is the person doing the forgiving, not the person being forgiven. You deserve the peace of a forgiving heart. Unforgiveness gives your personal power away to the object of your anger and fear. Forgiveness retrieves that psychological power and returns it to your centre for other uses.

      If you stay angry at someone who wronged you 20 years ago, whose mind suffers for 20 years because of it? Not the other person’s. They may not even remember that you exist. But you are feeding your own pain, forcing yourself to suffer the trauma over and over again, if you cannot forgive. They hurt you, very badly, that is true. But if your body has healed, you are safe from the situation happening again, and yet still you suffer, then you are the one who is hurting you now. Some people might view this as a ‘blame the victim’ mentality, but it is not that at all. I am only describing the trap of the mind that keeps a victim from healing, from self-defining as something other than a victim.

      You are in no way to blame for what happened to you, and there is certainly no blame or shame in having suffered for the length of time that you have. But if you want to be free, forgiveness is how that can happen. I don’t know what will give you the key to forgive the one who hurt you. For me, it was realizing that this person was not a sociopath without regret. In fact, he was a fairly normal guy who was drunk, and weak-willed, and brushed everything important off as if it didn’t really matter. But he is a real person, and I believe he has a conscience. I am grateful not to have his conscience in my head. Grateful to be the one who was the victim instead of the perpetrator. Because knowing I had done such a thing to someone would be far harder to live with than being the innocent one. I cannot wish anything worse on him than what he has done to himself by his own actions.

      He may not experience the moral fallout that I imagine he should or that I would if I were him, but it doesn’t really matter. The potential he has created for himself to suffer takes the oomph out of my anger. Perhaps the person who abused you is a sociopath without the capacity to feel regret. Such a person is even more to be pitied. The emptiness of such an existence is something that I cannot even fathom. We need to protect ourselves and our children from the actions of such people, but there is no need to wish suffering upon anyone.

      You know a depth of pain that many will never understand. But you are not destroyed, and your capacity for joy can be that much greater as well, if you choose to cultivate the power of forgiveness. There is no need to become like the one who hurt you, a person whose disregard for other people increases the pain and suffering of the world. And even more so, it makes no sense to make ourselves suffer further than we already have! There is already more than enough suffering in the world to go around.

      This is the place that I have come to now: I will not become a person who wants to make someone else’s life worse because of what happened to me; not even that person. That is the only way that I could truly be destroyed by what happened. No, I am a person who is strong enough to be ok, even when society sends the message that I should have been destroyed by what happened. I have the incredible power to respond with a depth of love that many other people struggle to understand; a love that creates more joy in me than the pain that was the source of the capacity. This man intended to gratify his own baser nature, but indirectly he created a situation that has helped me to grow into a more loving person than I was before. He may not have meant for this to happen, but I am a better and more fulfilled person because of how I responded to what he did.

      This may not be your experience right now. That is okay. It may never be your experience, and you may never agree with me. That is more than okay too. You may find what I have said offensive. If that is so, I apologize. My wish is for you to experience an equivalent sense of joy and peace to the one that I now feel, and so I am sharing with you how my own mind achieved it. I hope that it offers you relief instead of aggravating your pain.

      And now:

      What to say to potential future mates? Say what is on your heart about it. Say what you are comfortable with, plus a little extra stretch. The man who will be a good mate for you is a man who can handle this and will be inspired by your courage, not turned off by a perceived taint. He will see that you are a woman like none he has ever met, and the fact that your value was not seen by someone else will only make him more determined to cherish you as you deserve. Not every man can handle the emotionally mature relationship that your experiences will make necessary for you to live a healthy sexual life. You are a person who was deepened by pain. Your mate must be one who can navigate the depths.

      When should you talk about it? If you talk about this ‘too soon’ and he runs away scared, you are doing yourself a favour by finding out who can and cannot handle it. However, there is a degree to which the presentation counts. In fact, the way that you present it can bring out his best or his worst possible response. I initially got pretty negative responses from men. At the time, I was presenting my story with fear and shame. The first time, I had been dating the man for 1 1/2 years at the point that I told him. He dumped me in that same conversation. He couldn’t handle it. And I am so glad that happened! I deserve a far stronger and more mature man than that. For a long while after that, I was afraid to tell any man this story and would always do so after a few months of dating, with a very fearful heart. Their responses were equal to the way in which I presented my story. As I have grown more confident and less ashamed, the responses from men had been increasingly positive. I am not broken by it any longer, and as a result, they find me inspiring, not damaged. I am in a relationship now, but during my last cycle of dating, I almost always told this same tale as part of the initial ‘getting to know you’ phase, unless I could see right away that he was not someone with whom I would be interested in developing a relationship. To my current partner, I told this tale complete with what I have learned and how I came to those conclusions, much as I have done above. It was not a five minute thing. But it is essential knowledge for anyone who really wants to know me intimately. This part of my story goes along with all the rest, the pets I had growing up, and how my parents raised me, and sibling rivalries, and hobbies and passions, and all of it. That is because who I am has been so profoundly shaped by this experience and my response to it. I could not be in a romantic relationship without open disclosure of all of this. Romance is about sharing who you are and relishing in what your partner shares with you. It is about validating each other as whole people, and through this, validating ourselves as well.

      Who you are deserves to be honoured, not hidden away in shame. If you truly believe and accept this, there is no reason that your experience should prevent you from having a healthy and fulfilling sex life with a wonderful man. Just be sure to choose wisely. You are not to be thrown away on someone who does not show with his actions how truly precious you are.

      Take care,

      • Mads says:

        Thanks jessica, this is just what I needed to hear.

      • E says:

        Jessica, I am honestly speechless. I found this and wanted to cry. I am not a virgin, but due to sexual assault and abuse have spent YEARS basically run from anyone when I feel they are interested in me sexually. I have sabotaged a lot of my relationships because of this.
        What you wrote to the other Jessica was one of the most powerful things I have ever read or heard. And I have been in therapy for years. You should submit some sort of piece on the topic to a website so that people like me can go back and read it whenever we need to, to remind ourselves of all of those things. It is so hard to not feel ashamed and broken and worthless, but being raped (or assaulted) is something that happens- far too frequently- to us, but it is not all that we are. Someone else’s actions do not determine your worth as a person. I know this, I just need to remind myself all the time.
        Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
        P.S I hope that you are now happily married and having amazing sexy times with your husband :)

  38. Haley says:

    This is exactly what I needed to hear. I have always been afraid of the question because I thought the answer would scare a guy off. Thank you so much!! I feel so much more comfortable about having this conversation because I know I can answer the question in a confident way that won’t label me as the 22 year old virgin. Thanks Matt!! You’re awesome!

  39. Deborah Dunn says:

    Disagree. The Boys have a few valid points, but are off on many.

    Your vagina is a gift to the world and I think your first experience can set the stage for your future enjoyment of sex. It should be good the first time and many people make mistakes in their youth which set them up for anxiety and insecurities regarding sex, which can then lead to unfulfilled sexual relationships. It’s a bit like new food. If your trying Fois Gras for the first time, it better be melt in your mouth fabulous or you’ll either think all Fois Gras is rubbery and so so, or come to believe you don’t like the dish. Your not a teenager so expect your first time to great. Choose a great chef!!

    Right now, your vagina is 100 pure of HPV(penetrates a condom) and other STD’s. Your risk of having difficulties with pregnancies and implantation secondary to scar tissue made from STDs is much lower than someone who has had multiple exposures. It’s ignorant and careless not to guard your body and to be careful with your exposures. It’s a risk/benefit decision.

    Your first time can be perfect and if you are smart and weed out the yucky’s by telling them on date one or two, upfront and with pride, and start vetting your men to higher quality, perhaps a tad older, emotionally solid pool of men, you’ll find the right one.

    Speaking from experience. Full disclosure on date one with a comment such as’ I don’t really sleep around, I’m a virgin and its’ important to me to me that my first experience is with someone emotionally available and physically experienced, because I do want a great first”. A guy that has poor ego will dissipate under that very statement because of the pressure to create a great first. So, then your left with guys that want a “virgin” with huge ego and the good guys that are confident and balanced. Then, vett the hell out of them…see what they are made of. The cream will rise to the top and then choose. I mean do you really want to be with someone fumbling around, without proper study and experience, who can’t cross into the space of emotional intimacy? NO!!!

    Firsts out of teenage years SHOULD BE, OUGHT TO BE, CAN BE FANTASTIC. Then, we will have to answer your emails that you can’t get enough and what is normal frequency.

    You are on the right track. Hang in there.


  40. Selina says:

    Wow. The last part was really sweet. Thank you Matt.

  41. Anais says:

    Any man who I’ve told that I’m a virgin said he highly respects that so I never was afraid to share that information. And it made them more attracted to me. I stopped feeling as though something was wrong with me for being different. I’m not necessarily waiting for marriage and not a “prude” but I haven’t had sex for a few reasons, including I haven’t been in love in the way I want to be before fully sharing my body with another.

    These days sex is treated as this casual thing by so many men and women. Then both wonder and complain how everyone only seems to want one night stands and instant gratification rather than form a relationship. Men are often hypocrites in this mentality too since some say how they want someone who is going to be up for everything in bed, yet have a problem with a woman who seems to be “experienced” and down for one night stands. And apparently some have an issue with a woman who isn’t experienced.

    And I am wary of any man who brings up sex when I just met him. Such as a man who told me the first time I met him he likes a woman who he can have interesting conversations, since it makes the sex better. I understand the fact that men, regardless of whether or not he wants a one night stand or several dates and becomes your husband, was thinking he wanted to have sex if he’s attracted to the woman. But those who come off with a “this is what I came here to do” attitude make me think they can’t all be that serious about sticking around. Otherwise they’d be a bit more candid and classy about their desires.

    • Anais says:

      With that said ,I think we’re mostly on the same page, Matt. Thank you for addressing this, as many dating “experts” out there make it seem as though it has to be black and white. And that we have to be down for sex after date 3, have a lot of experience, etc, or we’ll end up alone. I agree whether you choose to make virginity some sort of baggage and insecurity or not can have a huge impact and difference.

    • Lizz says:

      I agree with you 100%! The casualness of sex now is rather sad. It makes everyone expect to have it whenever they get into a relationship.

  42. Kara Ono says:

    This is such an interesting topic – I’m 32 and up until about this time last year I was a virgin. When I was younger I was partly scared but also determined not to just have sex with someone who didn’t value it. Seeing my friends get – literally – screwed by men helped shape this opinion. I then became a Christian in my 20s, this reinforced my desire to wait for “true love.” During that time the response from men was anything but understanding. Even when I just stated that I wanted to wait until I was in love, as opposed to married, most high-tailed it when it became clear that my nether parts were a no-entry zone. It was a very tough thing to carry on my shoulders as I came across a lot of guys who may have been perfect for me but couldn’t cope with the idea of not having sex immediately or a few weeks/months down the line. I then met the person who I lost my virginity to and though he was willing to wait we argued constantly about the issue. Looking back I should have pondered if this was the right person for me but at 30 I felt like there weren’t many options for me, particularly as most women my age use their hands, feet etc. to count their partners. So I stuck it out. By then my faith had lapsed so I decided to take the plunge and we had sex. Soon after we split up as I made the decision that I would rather be single than in a relationship that made me so unhappy. The moral of the story for me? Is that it is very exceedingly rare in this day and age to find a man who is OK with the idea that you are a virgin and is willing to wait until you’re ready. Sorry to be so blunt to those who are waiting but I feel unless that man is themselves v. religious – and even then they can expect it as I found – it’s unlikely as sex is so un-sacred and has been devalued so much in this world to most that women aren’t really given a choice over their own bodies which is quite frightening. Many, me included I must say, have had sex because it’s expected and due to the pressure they feel. For me, when I was a virgin, the amount of judgement I encountered, not only from men but women too, who assumed that I was anti-sex, hated people who had sex etc. was disgusting and it really made me feel even more like a freak for having this odd notion of wanting true love before I allowed someone to physically be inside me. I now wish, if I am honest, that I hadn’t waited. I feel, considering I am not married to my first, that I went through a lot of palava for nothing and that I missed great potential dating opps because of this issue and also I am way behind many in my generation when it comes to knowing what does and doesn’t work for my body. I can’t lie when I say that I am thankful now it is no longer as big an issue as it was. I now no longer have to worry about whether I tell them or not and how long should I wait and etc. Certainly explaining, when required, that I do not have a big number, is awkward and I receive the same incredulity or view that I must be lying as I did when I said that I was virgin but to me this a way better than being in the position that I was in. Which is so funny considering that if I was on the opposite scale I could face the same thing – again highlights the damned if you do/don’t position we women find ourselves in on so many other things too from our weight to our careers/family balance. I hate to portray virginity as a burden and I don’t feel that it, in itself, is. I also am very clear in my belief that it is every individual’s choice to determine what they should or should not do with their body. However, I do feel that unfortunately because we’ve swung so far from being ridiculously repressive about sex to now overtly sexual in our society that very few people, men in particular, understand this and thus value choice when it comes to sex.

  43. RC says:

    I think some good advice and views have been given by Matt here in this video and some comments below but I also disagree with somethings said by both. I personally don’t believe in the “try it before you buy it” mentality/way of thinking or “try a dozen before you take the box home forever” way of thinking. I am not religious but I do believe in waiting for the one that one who you are going to grow old with (rather marry the person or dont marry the person) and experience all of lifes ups and downs with. Some may say what if he is bad in bed the one you will marry/spend lifetime with? And to that I say SO what! When a couple gets bored with whats going on in the bedroom do they immediately break up and divorce? No most the time they dont they first try spicing things up. And yes there are some who break up the 1st time the sex is bad which to me is silly but each person does what they do and thats fine. I think rather the sex is good or bad first time or even after (or one of you is good or bad) you can always improve you can always learn new things. Things that will not only make happy and please the person your with but you as well. So to me you dont need to have slept with/had sex with more than 1 person before marriage or before the person you spend forever with. Sex is not everything #1 most important thing in life and a relationship. Yes it is apart of a relationship esp a marriage. However if it is the most important thing to someone then they need to take a step back and realize its not the only thing its apart of things and its a way to connect and share the deep feelings have for one another. Its not just about having fun. As for when someone asks the how many slept with and you havent slept with anyone. I would say avoid the topic the first few dates and wait to have sex til are in a committed relationship. Now this doesnt mean necessairyly waiting til marriage. It just means committing to one person and that person to you. So before you take the next step from dating then you discuss it. Just be honest with each other with your numbers. If its 0 or if its more. If the person cant accept the number then they arent the one for you. The one your supposed to be with 0 wont scare them away. And perhaps thats a sign that they care more about u and that the only reasons they are seeing you is not to get in your pants. Although yes some guys hear 0 and they think oh a prize they can win or whatever. Thats why you dont give it up right away and you get to know the person. If you find they are one those prize winner types then run run away from them as fast as you can. But ya anyways all very good pts made rather I agreed or not. I wonder from commenters here how many is too many even for those who say numbers mean nothing. Would you sleep with someone who has been with over 100 ppl or get into a relationship with someone who has been with that many ppl or more why or why not? Would u have any fears etc about it? P.S. It is not my intention to upset nor offend anyone with my comments. If I did sorry. Just expressing my views. Love u all :)

  44. B says:

    What a great video! I’m 28 years old, a virgin, and don’t have any regrets about it. However, I have friends who put pressure on me and tell me I need to “find a guy to have sex with.” One of my best friends even stopped talking to me all because she found it “weird” that I haven’t been in an intimate relationship and even went as far as telling me I needed to see a psychiatrist to “figure out why.” My reasoning behind remaining a virgin isn’t due to the religion – it’s like you said in the video…I want to find someone who I trust, who it will mean something with. He doesn’t have to be the love of my life but I need to feel comfortable in that moment. These days I feel like most people don’t understand or even respect that.

    • Margot says:

      Hi! No problem with your decision so long as you don’t have trust issues. The problem with our issues is that many times we’re not aware we have them. It would be a shame if a wonderful guy entered your life but trust issues blinded you to him. So, just keep that in mind ;)

  45. tricia says:

    You are very wise, I agree with everything you have said! I was raised in a somewhat strict religious family, but i had some wild older sisters, thank god. My first experiences were not good but eventually i met a soulmate that i could distinguish the difference in what a great lover is! We were together a few years. I did however have to stop judging every other man after, comparing his standard of ability which was far superior to most men! Now there is a subject you can speak on.

  46. Margot says:

    Your vagina is not your gift to the world. I love you for having said that, Matt.

    On another note, it’s so sad that still there are women leave their sex life to chance in terms of quality. If you marry as a virgin, you don’t know if the guy you’re marrying is a suitable lover. I get it there are women who want to wait until they’re certain they would want to marry the guy… But come on… “Test drive” him well in advance, because you have the right to a great sex life.

    And those who do that for religious reasons, let’s just be frank here… This is men’s invention. It does not matter to God if people have sex before marriage. God wants us to be happy, love ourselves and one another. PERIOD.

  47. Pami says:

    My first time was awesome, because I spent a long time getting to know the guy first. I didn’t just screw the first guy who made a move on me. I wanted him and he wanted me and we talked about it, got down and dirty and just got really comfortable with each other before it happened. I wasn’t nervous, I was just turned on. It was soo much fun and so great to feel even more intimate and connected with him. Sex rocks!

  48. Leecis says:

    OMG! Yes yes yes!
    I was a virgin till I was 19 almost 20. I tried like hell to get rid of it.
    I let it define me….something must be wrong with me….lol
    My first was a foxy Frenchman stripper, hung like a horse.
    Was a deer in the headlights! Interesting, yes. Fun, not really.
    Totally freeing? ABSOFUCKINGLUTLY !

    Pease excuse profanity…very passionate about this subject!
    Hi Jameson

  49. Ashley says:

    I am a virgin and I have learned That it’s best not to say anything. You say guys run off? Not in my experience. Usually they see it and a huge prize that they must race to the finish line to get. I’ve learned the hard way not to tell them I am. I’m not waiting for marriage.im in college and Just waiting until I find someone who I can enjoy that experience with. When asked the question I just say it doesn’t matter, that’s in the past. Now if I have been in relationship with the guy and it’s about to get to that point I would probably tell him. But non Chaulant like matt said, Because it’s not a big deal? Who cares if I am, I don’t think I’m an alien lol. I just have self respect and I value myself too much to be giving it out like party favors.

  50. Kiraz says:

    Hi Matthew!

    You spoke absolutely fantastic, as always! I grew up in a country where girls kept their virginity until marriage. But it wasn’t one sided. Most guys in that country do want a virgin girl to marry. So here is the interesting part: they did all the love making part except for penetration. Yeah! You see the hypocrisy? So, this way the girls kept their virginity even if it didn’t work out with a particular guy. So no matter how many men touched their bodies, they could say to their husbands that they didn’t sleep with anyone. Some others were having anal sex. I am not exaggerating, believe me. In the meantime, their boy friends were usually cheating. They were sleeping around with other girls, a small number of girls who didn’t mind having sex. They believed that it was their right to meet their biological needs as men. So to say, it is all nothing but a huge hypocrisy.

    Having been raised in an open-minded family, I always thought differently. And, I didn’t care what anyone else thought. But I didn’t date guys from that culture. I thought someone with my honesty and thinking capacity would be a gift for those unevolved men. I dated guys from other nations who had your mentality. I still see some of those sad people and what they are doing on my facebook page. They are married. Their marriages were built on lies and I am sure it is continuing that way. They try to portray the happy family but I know deep down they are miserable. They admire me and the way I have been living my life. Thankfully, I relocated in another country so I don’t have to deal with that primitive mentality anymore. Not where I live anyway.

    Keeping your virginity doesn’t make you more noble than women who have sex. Giving your mind and soul to someone a hundred percent when you are with them is the real virginity. That is the thing we need to keep, not a body part.

    Have a great week! Keep speaking your fantastic mind! xxxx

  51. Rita says:

    I waited until I felt like I was in love. You asked how many of you, your first time was clumsy. Mine was great! It was worth the wait. I am proud of the fact that I waited and found someone that I cared about. It should be with someone you think you love and care about and not just a one night stand. It’s important to have standards and morals.

  52. Alyssa says:

    Good Morning Matt!

    Thank you for this video, I particularly enjoyed the tid bit about delivery with ones answer. This hit home for me. I am a virgin and up until this point was waiting for marriage due to religious reasons. I now find myself in new territory, as my belief in God, religion and the human experience has shifted far outside the lines of black and white. Leaving my faith in a god still left me with scars of seeing sex before marriage as wrong. It’s taken a long while for me to reconcile my sexuality and the expression of it as something beautiful and rather exciting. I will cary it my virginity as very light baggage from now on after seeing this video. It’s just a small clutch. ;) Hope you have a lovely week!

    • Margot says:

      Hi! To God it does not matter when you choose to have sex. All God wants is for us to be happy, love ourselves and one another. No sex before marriage is BS. Have sex with someone that matters. Whether ir not you end up marrying him. Of you do, you’ll tie the knot knowing your larried life will be filled with great sex – something a virgin bride can’t know. Can you imagine yourself married to a clumsy lover? Female orgasms are great and women should reclaim their right to select a partner that makes them feel safe, loved, and gives them pleasure in bed. Women’s sexual power can bring men to their knees and patriachal societies have tried to neutralize it since antiquity. Marrying a virgin is part of this scam. In fact, you should read Seductress by Betsy Prioleau.

  53. Liz says:

    I was 23 when I lost my virginity. I didn’t believe in waitin until marriage, I just hadn’t found someone worthwhile. It got to the point where I was meeting guys and when the ‘how many have you slept with’ question came up and I said Zero, they were stunned and proceeded to ask me all sorts of stupid question like ‘how does it feel to be a virgin’ and ‘OmG how do you manage’ yep, seriously. I had reached the point where I was tired of the stupid guys and there stupid questions and one guy I met who I wasn’t crazy about but seemed ok was the one I lost my virginity to. At that point I just wanted to lose it already so I no longer had to deal with the stupid questions. Turned out he was a virgin too at 26 and we both just said it in the moment, probably being nervous it would be awkward if we didnt say anything. Anyway, the first time was not good. He stopped it by telling me ‘that’s all I got’ hot right? And then he got really quiet after that and decided to tell me for what ever reason that about a year prior he had been addicted to strip clubs!!! Such a sweet memorable first time it was!

  54. Tiffany says:

    I dunno Matt, its such a touchy subject. Hell I havent even kissed a man after my divorce. But maybe thats my badge? Maybe its time to let that go and be ok with my choices. My ex husband was my first. To be honest, its been hard trying to connect with men im intrested in. Now I look back and almost wish I hadn’t waited, maybe if i hadn’t i would of moved on by now. So thats my insight! Anyways, thanks for the video 8)….

    • Margot says:

      You’re carrying it as a heavy handleless suitcase. Drop it. Sex is fun, is all you need to remember. And that you’ll meet a great guy to have that fun with.

  55. Dimitrina Petrova says:

    Hi Matt!
    I’m marred and I’m not looking for a guy but I really enjoy and appreciate your videos and advices. I’m forwarding them to my sons, friends, coworkers.
    There is so much wisdom between the lines that I love to catch and that help me to have better relationships with my kids, clients,with myself.
    You are awesome!!!!
    Thank you!!!

  56. danielle says:

    my first time i was raped. i have always hated sex. it was just an obligation to keep my man. i have only been with 4 men. the only one i enjoyed was my last man. that’s because we were each others forever mate. but he got hooked up in drugs and i pushed him out. i choose to not be with any other man, cause i will never Love again.

  57. Em says:

    Virgin is such an out-dated term anyway, back in the day virginity was more of a state of purity of mind and innocence. So if we’re going to be honest and admit to it our pure minds ended a long time ago, after all (be honest) how young were you when you had your first dirty thought? Id be willing to bet younger than fifteen.

    Plus you can’t give someone your virginity because there isn’t actually anything to give (Google it) what we are giving someone is our trust, trust they won’t hurt us and someone who will respect our fears and apprehensions and not make us feel in anyway ashamed and (I think this is appropriate for this thread) care for us. So the ‘one’ suddenly becomes the one you can trust, feel safe and loved with enough because in the end virginity is just another area of vulnerability for women.

  58. Fifi says:

    my first time was prefaced with a strange icebreaker card game my date had decided he wanted to play as we sat on the floor of his apartment slurping noodles from the takeaway restaurant he lived above.

    The rules of the game were simple enough: whoever flipped the higher card got to ask the other a question. Immediately I wanted the game stopped because I knew exactly the kinds of questions I would be faced with and the grim reality in the answers I would then be expected to give.

    But he assured me he would ask easy questions. So I agreed to give it a shot. First flip and he has an ace. (A stacked deck, no doubt) and he asks,

    Virginity thief: When was your first kiss?

    Me (throwing my hand of 2s and 3s down on the table): I told you this was a stupid game.

    For at age 19, not only was I a virgin, but in true Drew Barrymore cushion embroidering fashion, I’d never been kissed.

    Virginity Thief was shocked at my unwillingness to answer “such a simple question”. So I fessed up and told him I’d never been kissed. He leaps up and runs into his bedroom. My teeth were chattering from nerves as he (I assumed) frantically tidied his bedroom for what he had hoped would happen next.

    He comes out and I can’t even talk with my teeth now channeling their inner jack hammer. He suggests that, to warm me up, we get into his bed.

    So in I climb, boots, jeans, jacket and all.

    He tells me I can take my boots off, I decline the offer and lie there in complete fear.

    Then he pulls the sheets up over our heads and kisses me. I remember looking crossed at his forehead as he slipped his tongue in before pulling back and announcing ‘that was your first kiss.’

    Then as things began getting more and more heated, the boots came off along with several other layers of clothing.

    I remembering barking at the top of my lung when he first entered the sacredness of my vagina, saying ‘holy fuck that hurts, get it out, get it out!’

    He attempts to reassure me telling me calmly that it is going to hurt.

    They why in heavens name are we doing it? I ask him….not-so sensually.

  59. Kathleen says:

    Quote “Your vagina is not your gift to the world”. What exactly is that suppose to mean? A woman who is waiting/searching for someone who will grow up with her; walk thru the hardships of life together (maybe holding hands); share the wonderful exciting moments; grow old and care for each other until one says “goodbye, I’ll see you in heaven” is worth saving herself (not just her vagina). The sex part of life is a very small piece of what goes on in a life time between two people, Mr. Hussey.
    You’ve totally lost me with this one. Let’s see if you’ll ever get me back!
    FYI Being “religious” has nothing to do with this topic!

    • Margot says:

      “The sex part of life is a very small piece of what goes on in a life time between two people, Mr. Hussey.” I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. An active, fulfilling sex life is crutial to a satisfying marriage. Hormones produced during female orgasm strengthen the bond between the woman and her partner and there’s nothing more gratifying and bond affirming (on a deep, soul level) for a man than knowing he’s giving the woman he loves an orgasm (or multiple). Of couse, great sex without trust and a commitment to support one another won’t hold a marriage but marriage without great sex becomes a friendly agreement to stay together – which can be fine with some people but they are unfortunatly missing out on a wonderful part of human experience.

  60. Diana says:

    My first time was not great. However, after years of becoming comfortable with myself, my body, what I want in my life, including the feeling I want my future relation with a man to feel like – I realize that I am glad that I have de-dramatized sex through the years. In addition, I have been able to find a new way to respect the act of sex, since I know the effect it has on me inside the bigger picture of being in relation to a partner. This, the bigger picture of being in relation to a partner through thought and action, is for me more important.

  61. Paula says:

    Lovely. As someone who went to a catholic school and decided to be a virgin, eventually you realize how silly and extreme it is to wait for your husband. And yes your vagina isn’t the gift. Its you. All of you. I didn’t become active until 23 and I think one can be discerning about who they get involved with. Making sex a big deal is silly because it really isn’t but I went through all this anxiety about it. Having standards and having fun need not be mutually exclusive

  62. Sandra says:

    Thank you, Matt. Crazy I just brought up this topic with my best friend yesterday! I am finally recovered, mended, after breaking up with my first boyfriend 9 months ago. I am an ancient 39 years old, and we were together for a year. I was never able to convince him to sleep with me, as his severe depression was an obstacle (or excuse). I have propositioned a handful of guys over the past 20 yrs, and been rejected by all (“No, I would feel too guilty about it later”). I guess that’s a symptom of not being the one they want to date, just flirt with instead. I agree with you 100% about you making it baggage yourself. I used to do just that, and once I was with my boyfriend, somehow I did change it from heavy baggage to simple fact, and that helped immensely with my self esteem and everything. I will admit, though, that your video this time made me cry because it made me think how sad it is that this is something I never get to experience. At 39 and seemingly undateable, I think my chances are gone by now. I have to find other ways to have a fulfilling life. Just posting this video helps to know there are others who haven’t been having sex since 15 years old. Thank you.

    • Em says:

      Thirty-nine isn’t old and it’s certainly not undateable and I would say your chance are definitely not gone, I’ve heard of people starting their lives over well into their forties and beyond. If you consider yourself ancient and past it others will too. Today thirty-nine is still a hip and trendy age and women are sexually active for so much longer than ever before. Why not just not tell people you’re a virgin, sex is so clumsy and disorganized at the best of times I doubt anyone would even know especially if you don’t treat it as this big thing. Thirty-nine is young but old enough that I imagine men would quickly assume you’re waiting for marriage.

      Also I noticed you said propositioned men but you said they don’t want to date, so I assume sex has to be in a relationship for you which is fine just don’t mention it to potential or present partners, there’s no pressure on anyone then and it doesn’t become this significant thing, this elephant in the room and if they ever ask how many guys you’ve slept with just say ‘You don’t ask a Lady that’ – you’re 39, they will respect that.

      Don’t give up, you sound like a confident and intelligent women.

  63. Tammy says:

    Your final message was so sweet and heartfelt. That really warmed my heart. Thank you!!!


  64. carishas says:

    Yessania i think like you and i am in the same state of mind. I am 22 and i steadfastly believe in Prince Charming. I am proud to be virgin and i am suprised by the reaction of certain guys. They say oh my god that’s honorable i would like more girls like you. Nowadays it’s not a common thing and that’s remarquable. I must be watching to much romantic movies but i believe that on this Earth there is a man made for me and i am patiently waiting him. That’s the reason why i’ve never been with a boy cause only one will the first and the last one. I love you Matt your advices are always treasures for me^^

    • Debra says:

      I totally agree with you and it’s totally possible! I have many friends who’ve found one person, marred, were prepared and had seen the doctor that their first time was very pleasant and many very wonderful. My friends who didn’t wait had horrible experiences, they went from guy to guy trying to find one that made them feel connected until they just value themselves as. Icy anymore.

      Children are the reason finding the One person you are going to be with is so important, you and they deserve that security. I have friends that divorced, but frankly they rushed into marriage because they wanted to have sex. Finding that person who’s right for you and with enough determination it is certainly possible to make that one person stay and be able to work through all turmoil the world throws are you.simply, there is more joy in being unified.

      • Debra says:

        Edit… Till they didn’t value themselves as much… you’ll just have to guess at what I am saying lol must eat food and stop writing on a tablet. Too many typos!

  65. Kelly says:

    All I can say is ‘Wow’! I think you dealt with this seemingly sensitive subject beautifully. I think everyone can take something away from this message as you covered pretty much every scenario. Thanks Matthew for a wonderful perspective !! Kelly


  66. Yessenia says:

    Hey Matt.

    I am a 25 year old virgin. I liked this video, it made me laugh. But honestly, I’ve never had a problem stating that I’m a virgin. Actually, many people have asked me how many guys I’ve slept with and I just say “none” with confidence. I’m not ashamed of being a virgin and I’ve never been. I’ve seen my friends and family members go from one person to the next, and I never wanted that. I’m saving myself for someone special, someone that I’m hoping will be the person whom I spend the rest of my life with. I know we are human and we make mistakes but I’m still trying. And it’s funny, when I tell guys that I’m a virgin, they get all excited like as if I’m going to give it to them. Lol. One guy (even til this day) tells me he wants to be the one to “de-flower me”!
    I think that if a woman confidently states her belief and stands her ground, guys will find that attractive and won’t run away but rather fight to be that special someone.

    With Much Love,


  67. Stephanie says:

    There’s a lot more women out there waiting for marriage than the culture of today thinks or preaches. I thank you for being brave enough to address this topic. Thank you. MANY of us have chosen this path…a very narrow path. Again, thank you.

  68. Shawnelle says:

    Exactly! I am the captain of that boat of virgins and I don’t see it as a big deal. When the question comes up, I simply say so and explain that I am s virgin because I am waiting for something with more meaning. I’m an atheist so religion isn’t why (though it used to be when I was younger). I have no I’ll feelings towards sex. In fact, sex and sexuality are two of my favorite topics to have discussion about. The human experience is just wonderful. Let me stop digressing. I don’t make it a bog deal and so guys often find that my virgin “status” is a thing about me that they find wonderful and unique. I like that you said that a woman’s vagina isn’t her gift to the world, because so many times society reduces people and especially women to one role. Special treatment is given to very weird aspects of our existence and the things that become culture turn out to be a cage for human-ness which in turn becomes difficult to escape. I 100% agree. Thanks for sharing and keep sweet.

  69. Ilona says:

    My first time was actually wonderful. :3 It was my first love, it was REAL love, I know it even now after 6 years. I was very in love, he was in love and he was wonderful. Slow, caring, sweet… And it barely hurt at all. We broke up long ago, but he will always be the first one and I will always remember him with joy. :)

    • Ilona says:

      I’d also like to note that it’s not special because it’s the best night of your life and sex will never be as good. In most cases the sex part is quite terrible really. It’s about emotions, about being ready yourself and feeling comfortable and safe with the man you are with. I know how wonderful it feels to know then and even after many years that your first time meant a lot to you AND to the person you were with. You have to feel safe to enjoy it and to never regret it. I was 14 and I felt as safe as I could ever feel. And it was wonderful. While I had many friends who only lost their virginity to be ”cool” and to be done with it. They weren’t ready. They weren’t doing it with people they felt safe and comfortable with. And they regret it to this day…

  70. Nicole S. says:

    Well I have been fortunate enough to see this from all sides, raised Catholic, I thought I was in love with the guy I lost my virginity to, just to get dumped after. When I did find the love of my life it was amazing (most of the time), realistically there are times when sex is great, good, and can be quite horrible.

    You should save yourself for someone you are comfortable with but don’t expect it to be amazing and like the ending of a Disney movie but at least be realistic about it and know that it isn’t going to be perfect and don’t forget that some people do get divorced over sex.

  71. her again ^^ says:

    I’ll keep it short and simple:
    Not only did I like the way you put it, but also everything you said is simply true =) Thank you for sharing this with us!

  72. A. says:

    “For how many of you did the first time SUCK?”

    I think you’re missing the point, though. It’s not about the first time being spectacular. It’s about it being special because you have chosen someone special to do it with.

    The first time you ride a bike isn’t great because you didn’t fall. Maybe you did fall after a while. I myself was a bundle of skinned knees before I got it. That part sucked. But it’s great because for the few minutes you gained balance, learned something new, and then probably shared that moment later with someone who cared. It’s just a bike, right? Or your driver’s license. Or a diploma. Things have meaning because we give them meaning. There isn’t anything wrong with giving an event that’s basically simple, meaning. If the guy freaks out about it, then maybe he isn’t the one to share that first time with.

    I’m not quite sure you’d give this talk in this way to your daughter? :-) But I do think you tried to be sensitive about it which is much appreciated. It’s a bit weird. You say for women to have standards, but then you say not to wear one of those standards like a badge of honor. I do agree with you that standards are key in relationships, but maybe there is away to be firm about them without being rigid and unfun.

    It’s not always an easy line to walk.

    Thanks, Matthew!

    • Shawnelle says:

      But I font think he’s saying it shouldn’t be special if you want it to be. To the contrary, he said that it should. The thing is, virginity isn’t the standard. WHY you’re a virgin if you’re a virgin is the standard. If people are judged based on their number, be it zero or a hundred, it is reducing them to one role. I have heard Matt saying, from time immemorial, that standards have to do with your core beliefs as a person…the why behind what you do. I have also heard him say that creating perceived value and interest has to do with being eclectic…having your feet in different experiences and being active in your life. Be interesting. I think that what you’re doing is associating value with a number and the higher that number is, the less value you give. That’s opposite to what Matt is saying it endorsing.

  73. Sarah says:

    In other words, virgins are screwed, lol.

  74. Bonny says:

    Hej Matt,

    Alyssa Royse made a very nice TEDx talk about sexual shame that I think you should refer to somewhere. It could be very helpful to a lot of young (or even older) people since she has a really good point.

    You can find the video on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk5siIHZuFc

    All the best!

  75. Helen says:

    Thanks Matthew – nicely put! I just had a thought – If a woman is holding out for marriage – A man might think “What if we can’t live together – What if something else freaks me out and its too late by then – Better not get involved”.

    I remember being seriously put off a guy on a dating site because he seemed desperate to get married – He might have been a nice guy but I wasn’t prepared to put myself forward as marriage material for someone I didn’t know. If he had been “Cooler” and said that he was looking for love and open to new experiences I would have given him a chance. If he told me he was saving himself for true love, I would have thought that romantic, but having boxed himself in to a future of marriage I freaked and didn’t return his email. I was married previously, and it was a learning curve I could have avoided had I more self esteem at the time, and I thank my lucky stars I had some other experience of life before that. I was a late starter, but on my death bed I will probably say I wish I had more sex, not I wish I had waited longer!

  76. Aggie Lau says:

    Hii Matt,

    I watched your video and I had a good laugh when you said “your vagina is not the best gift to the world”…I burst out in a loud laugh and that statement is really unexpected but it is a true bold fact indeed…

    I think different people has different opinions about this topic..But what is important is “do what makes you happy..”..
    Life is just as simple as that..Well that just my view..

  77. Roz says:

    Matthew that was beautiful and a perfectly balanced and lovely perspective that can be useful to everyone!

    As I have been on all sides of this spectrum and you perfect analysis is right on the money :)

    Thanks for sharing! You are great and so smart and almost like a prophet/angel can’t believe how cool your views are on the subject xxo with my best wishes :)

  78. Fiona says:

    Hi Matt,
    Great content, as always, and I would be pleased for you own daughter to see a response like this. It was a bit distracting having the camera angle switching about all the time, especially down to your feet and almost under the table (who would be down there?) and the lighting wasn’t congruent. But mostly, on a topic like this, i just wanted you to be steady, in front of me, unchanging.

  79. Anja says:

    Aww, you were so sweet! I LOVE YOU MATT! <3

  80. Esmay says:

    Hi Matt,

    Very good video! I do have a question, one that’s been on my mind for a long time. You mention it doesn’t have to be a badge and it can just be a fact but it won’t be forever.
    But also if we built this up to a thing where it’s not fun anymore and it fills us with dread and we wonder how we should communicate and what we should do that somewhere we’ve lost our way.
    This is exactly the thing except also the scenario of the girl in college who wants it to mean more applies to me. The good friends I have also have bad experiences with men. Just because they’re exceptionally beautiful and that seems to be a reason to get harassed more than most other girls. (Just being plain honest.)
    Now it has become a thing and we all have come to the point where we don’t know we can have sex with someone anymore ALTHOUGH we do want to. ‘Cause we haven’t stopped being sensual, sexual people.
    Ofcourse, not one of us wants to have this baggage but my body won’t even let me not get stiff as a broomstick when someone touches me or tries to kiss me. (Happens a lot so I have built up reflexes which also show up when I’m in the exceptional situation when I do want to be kissed. Which recently happened.)
    So how do you tell somebody you’re scared of having sex again? When I get scared and feel vulnerable, my eyes get wet. Definitely going to cry then. Not exactly a turn on. Don’t want to cry in the middle of it if it’s going well just ’cause of feeling vulnerable.

    With love,

    • Lost, please help. says:

      I need help wih this too please. My 1st love turned out to be an abusive relationship. I have had one bf since and he broke my heart too. I’m just afraid of everything and I don’t know what to do

      • Margot says:

        See my reply to Esmay. It applies to you as you seem to have a painful past your mind needs help sorting through. Looking for professional help is an act of self love. So go for it.

    • Margot says:

      I think you would benefit from talking this through with a counselor or psychologist because the reaction you described indicates you developed some form of trauma. They’ll give you tools that will help you figure things out.

  81. Jen says:

    Great post Matt :)

    I find it hard to talk about with people as it’s not widely accepted in general. For me it’s a personal choice, not a religious one. I think for me, like the college girl who wrote in, it’s more about wanting something authentic with someone and sharing my body isn’t a gift, but it’s definitely special and something of value to me.

    Flipping it away on a one night hookup, seems a little disrespectful to myself more than anyone. Sure, I might enjoy it briefly and have an interesting story, but I’d just prefer to be sexually active while in a relationship rather than it be fleeting. I admire people who can detach from it and have casual sex, but I think it just doesn’t suit my personality. I would get too attached to people and start to care for them. I guess there are a few things that tie into it for me like trust, and feeling safe with someone as well.

    I have had a few opportunities, but have just been unlucky I guess (mainly said guy enterting into a relationship with another girl instead). I’m not disilusioned (ie saving it for the love of my life or whatever), but am I getting older and I guess it’s becoming harder subconsciously to put myself out there as my confidence is waning from lack of experience. I also thought it would have happened by now.

    I like what you said about not wearing it as a badge, as thats how I feel sometimes even though I haven’t revealed it to anyone yet. I think people are perceptive though, and have guessed.

    Appreciate the post and comments



  82. sarah says:

    I like the whole “your vagina is not a gift to the world” thing but the reverse is also true. A guys dick is not a gift to the world, and shouldn’t be. However it should be considered a gift by the person who loves them. Sex shouldn’t be the best thing in a relationship but it shouldn’t be taken too lightly either. I feel like sex is still a big step to take in a relationship with someone you really care about, and that the other person does need to earn it if it’s meant to mean something. I feel that you’re at your most vulnerable (physically and emotionally) when you have sex and doing that with someone requires a lot of trust which, like loyalty and love is a test that lasts a lifetime.

  83. Luna says:

    Thank you, Matthew for addressing this issue. I stayed a virgin until 34 for religious reasons. Then, I quit my religion and had sex with someone who not only knew and understood, but it was his first time too. That’s over, and almost three years later I’m dating someone I like, and since he doesn’t know yet that I belonged to that religion I think he doesn’t expect me to have been just with one guy at my age. So, although I’m not a virgin anymore, it’s still awkward, but I’ll follow your advice as if I were a virgin. I’ll explain my religious reasons I had, and how this is not an issue anymore. He’ll be happy and even might feel fortunate not many men were there. So, I’m more confident now. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It was my decision to stay a virgin until I changed my mind. :)

  84. kish says:

    I’m with you on things being as big of a deal as you make them to be. This applies to everything in life–whether it is your looks or lack thereof or some quality or imperfection…..and virginity.
    I’ve seen short guys who are totally cool with their height and carry it so well that they are even more attractive than taller guys. I’ve seen women who are so comfortable and at peace with their extra weight or curves that it immediately becomes irrelevant to their personal appearance. All of sudden, all that matters is how their eyes sparkle and the weight becomes invisible.

    I really loved how you addressed this virginity (or non-virginity) issue as “just a fact” about someone rather than a badge. Depending on the situation and person one’s status as a virgin or non-virgin or their “number” tends become a burden when it shouldn’t have to be. We all have the right to make our own choices and have our preferences. It is ultimately a matter of personal choice.

    This video was a lot mature than your last where you recommended being evasive and side stepping the issue and which I completely disagreed with and found rather fishy and dishonest.

    And you are right, the virginity status declaration evokes strong reflex reactions. Some comments I’ve heard consistently for waiting for marriage is-
    -how can you marry someone without knowing you are sexually compatible?
    -why not find out before you are emotionally invested if you are sexually compatible with someone or not?
    -how can you overcome your basic urges to wait so long?

    Sometimes I just don’t know how to address these.

    From my point of view, I can never understand how any two people can sleep together if there is no emotional connection and some level of commitment. Since when do two people have to go all the way to see if they are marriage material? Chemistry and sex are important but there are other ways to test that and that is not what keeps a marriage together anyway.
    But I recognize these as my own concerns and feelings and not a prescription of things ought to be for the rest of the world.I don’t ever judge other people’s choices.

    There are pros and cons to every choice–so it all boils down to personal preference and values.

    But not everyone is like that. People are judgmental about anyone who is different from them. They make bizarre extrapolations–that I must be asexual or overly religious, repressed and what not. Men, especially begin to press and keep trying to change my mind and convince me that I should be having sex and be “free” about it–especially with THEM. I think THEY need to be a bit free about letting others be. There are some highly “benevolent” (sarcastic) souls who think it is their duty to liberate me from my chains of chastity and keep trying to get me to “open up” and sleep with them.
    This gets very tiresome after a while and difficult to deal with. Of course it is obvious that these guys aren’t a match if they can’t even respect my choice when I don’t bug them for their choices.
    If you have any advice on how to deal with the “Aftermath” of dropping the V-Bomb on men–please enlighten me on how to
    –verbally deal with the slew of judgments that follow
    –attempts to change my mind and persuade me to sleep (with them, presumably) because, you know, it is about time that I became an “adult”
    –extremely bizarre and weird interpretations of my character which are totally wrong..by men and women alike.
    –becoming suddenly very attractive to a certain kind of man who wants to be the one to “deflower”, who wants to “save me” from my sexless prison, wants to be”teach me” the ways of the world down under, who feels “better” than me because of my lack of experience (no matter how worthless he is otherwise in life)…..you get the drift.

  85. T says:

    Hi Matthew,

    Thanks for sharing your perspective on this.

    I think we worry too much about what other people think sometimes. I really like how you touched on both sides – if you’re sexually active, it’s ok; and if you’re waiting, don’t let that define you either because a guy’s reaction to either situation is out of your control and ultimately will give you the answer if he’s someone you want in your life.

    Finally, on a personal note, I will say whether you’re sexually active or not, don’t be afraid to talk about sex with your doctor, girlfriends, even guy friends ~ people you feel you can trust and feel comfortable with. Out of the blue I’ve had conversations with my girlfriends and guy friends about sex and it was so refreshing knowing I’m not alone with certain feelings or experiences.

    Thanks again :)


  86. Jill says:

    I am so glad you touched on this :) Thats all

  87. Patricia Kamel says:

    Hey i like what you said about that it s not a gift that was funnyy and true but i don t think that you have given an exact answear to the question , i like what you said about not stressing the topic but didn t like what u said about enjoying life and sexuality , being a virgin i have fundamental reasons not only religious but also , it s respecting once self whether u care to admit it or not u have said it urself guys want girls to have less guys in their lives then they do , doesn t this tell us that in fact guys would also prefere that their girls remain virgins ?

  88. HD says:

    Good video but actually the girl asks for an advice to how to reply, not to change what she believes in… why is it easy to change people’s believes instead of giving her a solution to act upon her belief? ? Some guys does matter that to them, for example they don’t want the lady to have too many sexual partners but in the same time they don’t want it to be Zero! What crazy men & world are we living in!

  89. Rachel says:

    Hi Matt,
    I think you’ve said some interesting points, and you’ve spoken your thoughts on the “virgin” topic as delicately as you could say.
    For me, it’s a personal/spiritual choice to remain a virgin until marriage, but I connected to what you’re saying about guilt/shame. That’s a whole other topic itself, with a vast landscape of rabbit holes and tangents!
    Thanks for hearing your viewers requests and responding timely and politely!



  90. Ann says:

    As a very religious and spiritual gal myself, shame is something that I believe is from the devil. There is a different feeling from having shame, which is often more psychological and guilt that I believe is more spiritual and can be healed.
    Thank you, Matthew, for not bashing girls who wait. What I like about the Mormon culture is that we do what we can to be prepared for anything and everything… Knowledge is of God. Rarely are you prepared at 15/16, or have any clear idea of what happens to your body. Frankly, Mormon gals generally are able to be well prepared, seeing doctors, doing what they can so their first time is hardly traumatic. It’s that preparation and having security of marriage, even if it doesn’t last, you are almost guaranteed you will see them for sure for many days following, especially if you are on a honeymoon for a week or two, even if you hate how they do they dishes and pull a Kimmie… It’s just a much more pleasant and less upsetting way to lose your virginity. Security; being bound to someone who very well is making an eternal change to your body and possible a third… Flippant actions can lead to heavy consequences. You ARE giving your soul to someone, your body is your soul and unless you have no value to life itself it is a gift, because the act of creating life is a gift, because you ARE valuable beyond belief…

  91. Emily Onoshi says:

    I was 18 when I did it for the first time. And I can sort of laugh about it now because I made the decision to do so at the time partially due to the song that was playing in the background. The song happened to be “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer, and it was in a list of songs I had made previously to what song I would want to lose my virginity to. So I took that as a sign that the time was right! Looking back, I do still think the time was right for me. Even though I am no longer with that person anymore, I was for a long time and we’re still on good terms.

  92. Jessica Burne says:

    well that was sweetly said

  93. Nia says:

    Hi Matthew,
    Thanks for posting this important video, I’m a 30-something year old virgin & your advice was so refreshing. I needed to hear that it’s ok to enjoy sex & that we shouldn’t wear our virginity as a badge of honour. Such powerful statements! I truly appreciated these life lessons. Thanks!

  94. CelesteK says:

    Ah, yes. The First Time. Physically, not so great, because ouch. But I chose the right guy: smart, sweet, patient, sensual and creative. It wasn’t until my second year at University that I felt enough of a connection and that I wanted him…badly. It might sound a little silly, but choosing sexual partners wisely is a wonderful gift to yourself.
    I have the relatively rare experience of still being friends with him and of having been able to have a conversation about it 20 years later.

    We laughed about the fact that he might have been a better lover for me if I had told him he was my first (communicate, Ladies!), yet, in a moment of straight-up honesty, he told me that having that information at the time might have sent him running. (Communicate it in the RIGHT WAY, Ladies! LOL!)

    I love Matt’s take on this and his treatment of it. (Dammit, boy, I love that thing between your tiny ears!)
    “Your vagina is not the best part about you.” – What a ridiculous statement, and one that is SO IMPORTANT for young women to remember. Give yourself the gift of a man who innately understands this; somebody who loves your mind as much as your body. (BTW, he should be allowed and welcome to love your body. Shut up and let him admire all of you. That takes bravery.)

    The first time for anybody is not going to be a perfect experience. Perfection doesn’t exist, but it can be good. I like what Eve said, below. Don’t be afraid of it, have the experience, and have it consciously.

  95. jayna says:

    “It’s not a badge that you wear.’
    Really thank you for this whole video. I think alot of girls struggle with shame/guilt over still being virgins and some for not being virgins. And for me that really did take the pleasure principle totally out of sex and turned me for a while into a virtually asexual bystander to my own desires and sexuality. I wish someone could have said to me if only in passing, ‘your vagina is not a gift for the world.’ lol It’s a gift for me and sex and intimacy are wonderful things too, especially when you’ve found the right person.

  96. Paula says:

    You are amazingly mature, genuine and wise. Gosh that is so hard to find in a guy, especially one in their twenties. Can we clone you 100 times?? =)

  97. Joyce says:

    Hey Matthew,

    Great video, and last week’s too. I like that you are exploring different areas with your advice. But continuing with the topic you are on now… what about having to tell a guy you are NOT a virgin, while that is what he wants and expects, due to his value system? I guess in that case you have to rely on him understanding that virginity doesn’t make or break a girl, right? Thanks,


  98. eve says:

    My first time was awful and I wish I hadn’t waited so long, til I was 21, I put sex on a pedestal and it hindered me.

    I think I will be a better wife because I will come to that with perspective of years of figuring out my body in the context of enjoying another one. It is NOT as simple as loving someone and hoping the rest falls into place. By keeping sex out of your life you may be keeping yourself from the experiences that would have led you to this imaginary perfect safe lover.
    Oh, rabbit holes. Mafyew, you are so smart to turn the conversation to the elephant in the virgin room: guilt.

    Own yourself so you can give yourself, girls.

  99. Brittany says:

    THANK YOU for listening to and answering me and the numerous other women on the other post regarding the topic of virginity. This video is very helpful, I appreciate your points for it to not be worn as a badge and that it’s only as big a deal as we make it. Also, your sensitive approach as to how you would address your sister or daughter spoke to me and I literally shed a tear (didn’t expect that lol). Thank you for all that you do, you’re a gem and I appreciate you!

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