Last week I put out a video on how to answer, “how many people have you slept with?”.
It received an overwhelming response, with one question being asked over and over in the comments…
…”What do I say if my answer is zero? What if I’m a virgin?”
Women wrote back in droves saying that they have a hard time telling guys this, and that they wanted a strong, reassuring answer that doesn’t intimidate guys or freak them out.
If that’s you, whether you believe in ‘no sex before marriage’, or are just on the fence about when to get intimate with someone for the first time, you’ll want to check out this video…
For how many of you did the first time just SUCK? Tell your story in the comments below!
Aww, you were so sweet! I LOVE YOU MATT! <3
Hi Matt,
Great content, as always, and I would be pleased for you own daughter to see a response like this. It was a bit distracting having the camera angle switching about all the time, especially down to your feet and almost under the table (who would be down there?) and the lighting wasn’t congruent. But mostly, on a topic like this, i just wanted you to be steady, in front of me, unchanging.
Matthew that was beautiful and a perfectly balanced and lovely perspective that can be useful to everyone!
As I have been on all sides of this spectrum and you perfect analysis is right on the money :)
Thanks for sharing! You are great and so smart and almost like a prophet/angel can’t believe how cool your views are on the subject xxo with my best wishes :)
Hii Matt,
I watched your video and I had a good laugh when you said “your vagina is not the best gift to the world”…I burst out in a loud laugh and that statement is really unexpected but it is a true bold fact indeed…
I think different people has different opinions about this topic..But what is important is “do what makes you happy..”..
Life is just as simple as that..Well that just my view..
Thanks Matthew – nicely put! I just had a thought – If a woman is holding out for marriage – A man might think “What if we can’t live together – What if something else freaks me out and its too late by then – Better not get involved”.
I remember being seriously put off a guy on a dating site because he seemed desperate to get married – He might have been a nice guy but I wasn’t prepared to put myself forward as marriage material for someone I didn’t know. If he had been “Cooler” and said that he was looking for love and open to new experiences I would have given him a chance. If he told me he was saving himself for true love, I would have thought that romantic, but having boxed himself in to a future of marriage I freaked and didn’t return his email. I was married previously, and it was a learning curve I could have avoided had I more self esteem at the time, and I thank my lucky stars I had some other experience of life before that. I was a late starter, but on my death bed I will probably say I wish I had more sex, not I wish I had waited longer!
Hej Matt,
Alyssa Royse made a very nice TEDx talk about sexual shame that I think you should refer to somewhere. It could be very helpful to a lot of young (or even older) people since she has a really good point.
You can find the video on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk5siIHZuFc
All the best!
In other words, virgins are screwed, lol.
“For how many of you did the first time SUCK?”
I think you’re missing the point, though. It’s not about the first time being spectacular. It’s about it being special because you have chosen someone special to do it with.
The first time you ride a bike isn’t great because you didn’t fall. Maybe you did fall after a while. I myself was a bundle of skinned knees before I got it. That part sucked. But it’s great because for the few minutes you gained balance, learned something new, and then probably shared that moment later with someone who cared. It’s just a bike, right? Or your driver’s license. Or a diploma. Things have meaning because we give them meaning. There isn’t anything wrong with giving an event that’s basically simple, meaning. If the guy freaks out about it, then maybe he isn’t the one to share that first time with.
I’m not quite sure you’d give this talk in this way to your daughter? :-) But I do think you tried to be sensitive about it which is much appreciated. It’s a bit weird. You say for women to have standards, but then you say not to wear one of those standards like a badge of honor. I do agree with you that standards are key in relationships, but maybe there is away to be firm about them without being rigid and unfun.
It’s not always an easy line to walk.
Thanks, Matthew!
But I font think he’s saying it shouldn’t be special if you want it to be. To the contrary, he said that it should. The thing is, virginity isn’t the standard. WHY you’re a virgin if you’re a virgin is the standard. If people are judged based on their number, be it zero or a hundred, it is reducing them to one role. I have heard Matt saying, from time immemorial, that standards have to do with your core beliefs as a person…the why behind what you do. I have also heard him say that creating perceived value and interest has to do with being eclectic…having your feet in different experiences and being active in your life. Be interesting. I think that what you’re doing is associating value with a number and the higher that number is, the less value you give. That’s opposite to what Matt is saying it endorsing.
I’ll keep it short and simple:
Not only did I like the way you put it, but also everything you said is simply true =) Thank you for sharing this with us!
Well I have been fortunate enough to see this from all sides, raised Catholic, I thought I was in love with the guy I lost my virginity to, just to get dumped after. When I did find the love of my life it was amazing (most of the time), realistically there are times when sex is great, good, and can be quite horrible.
You should save yourself for someone you are comfortable with but don’t expect it to be amazing and like the ending of a Disney movie but at least be realistic about it and know that it isn’t going to be perfect and don’t forget that some people do get divorced over sex.
My first time was actually wonderful. :3 It was my first love, it was REAL love, I know it even now after 6 years. I was very in love, he was in love and he was wonderful. Slow, caring, sweet… And it barely hurt at all. We broke up long ago, but he will always be the first one and I will always remember him with joy. :)
I’d also like to note that it’s not special because it’s the best night of your life and sex will never be as good. In most cases the sex part is quite terrible really. It’s about emotions, about being ready yourself and feeling comfortable and safe with the man you are with. I know how wonderful it feels to know then and even after many years that your first time meant a lot to you AND to the person you were with. You have to feel safe to enjoy it and to never regret it. I was 14 and I felt as safe as I could ever feel. And it was wonderful. While I had many friends who only lost their virginity to be ”cool” and to be done with it. They weren’t ready. They weren’t doing it with people they felt safe and comfortable with. And they regret it to this day…
Exactly! I am the captain of that boat of virgins and I don’t see it as a big deal. When the question comes up, I simply say so and explain that I am s virgin because I am waiting for something with more meaning. I’m an atheist so religion isn’t why (though it used to be when I was younger). I have no I’ll feelings towards sex. In fact, sex and sexuality are two of my favorite topics to have discussion about. The human experience is just wonderful. Let me stop digressing. I don’t make it a bog deal and so guys often find that my virgin “status” is a thing about me that they find wonderful and unique. I like that you said that a woman’s vagina isn’t her gift to the world, because so many times society reduces people and especially women to one role. Special treatment is given to very weird aspects of our existence and the things that become culture turn out to be a cage for human-ness which in turn becomes difficult to escape. I 100% agree. Thanks for sharing and keep sweet.
*ill autocorrect is a bitch hahaha
*big
There’s a lot more women out there waiting for marriage than the culture of today thinks or preaches. I thank you for being brave enough to address this topic. Thank you. MANY of us have chosen this path…a very narrow path. Again, thank you.
Thank you
Hey Matt.
I am a 25 year old virgin. I liked this video, it made me laugh. But honestly, I’ve never had a problem stating that I’m a virgin. Actually, many people have asked me how many guys I’ve slept with and I just say “none” with confidence. I’m not ashamed of being a virgin and I’ve never been. I’ve seen my friends and family members go from one person to the next, and I never wanted that. I’m saving myself for someone special, someone that I’m hoping will be the person whom I spend the rest of my life with. I know we are human and we make mistakes but I’m still trying. And it’s funny, when I tell guys that I’m a virgin, they get all excited like as if I’m going to give it to them. Lol. One guy (even til this day) tells me he wants to be the one to “de-flower me”!
I think that if a woman confidently states her belief and stands her ground, guys will find that attractive and won’t run away but rather fight to be that special someone.
With Much Love,
Yessenia
All I can say is ‘Wow’! I think you dealt with this seemingly sensitive subject beautifully. I think everyone can take something away from this message as you covered pretty much every scenario. Thanks Matthew for a wonderful perspective !! Kelly
Kelly
Yessania i think like you and i am in the same state of mind. I am 22 and i steadfastly believe in Prince Charming. I am proud to be virgin and i am suprised by the reaction of certain guys. They say oh my god that’s honorable i would like more girls like you. Nowadays it’s not a common thing and that’s remarquable. I must be watching to much romantic movies but i believe that on this Earth there is a man made for me and i am patiently waiting him. That’s the reason why i’ve never been with a boy cause only one will the first and the last one. I love you Matt your advices are always treasures for me^^
I totally agree with you and it’s totally possible! I have many friends who’ve found one person, marred, were prepared and had seen the doctor that their first time was very pleasant and many very wonderful. My friends who didn’t wait had horrible experiences, they went from guy to guy trying to find one that made them feel connected until they just value themselves as. Icy anymore.
Children are the reason finding the One person you are going to be with is so important, you and they deserve that security. I have friends that divorced, but frankly they rushed into marriage because they wanted to have sex. Finding that person who’s right for you and with enough determination it is certainly possible to make that one person stay and be able to work through all turmoil the world throws are you.simply, there is more joy in being unified.
Edit… Till they didn’t value themselves as much… you’ll just have to guess at what I am saying lol must eat food and stop writing on a tablet. Too many typos!
Your final message was so sweet and heartfelt. That really warmed my heart. Thank you!!!
Tammy
Thank you, Matt. Crazy I just brought up this topic with my best friend yesterday! I am finally recovered, mended, after breaking up with my first boyfriend 9 months ago. I am an ancient 39 years old, and we were together for a year. I was never able to convince him to sleep with me, as his severe depression was an obstacle (or excuse). I have propositioned a handful of guys over the past 20 yrs, and been rejected by all (“No, I would feel too guilty about it later”). I guess that’s a symptom of not being the one they want to date, just flirt with instead. I agree with you 100% about you making it baggage yourself. I used to do just that, and once I was with my boyfriend, somehow I did change it from heavy baggage to simple fact, and that helped immensely with my self esteem and everything. I will admit, though, that your video this time made me cry because it made me think how sad it is that this is something I never get to experience. At 39 and seemingly undateable, I think my chances are gone by now. I have to find other ways to have a fulfilling life. Just posting this video helps to know there are others who haven’t been having sex since 15 years old. Thank you.
Thirty-nine isn’t old and it’s certainly not undateable and I would say your chance are definitely not gone, I’ve heard of people starting their lives over well into their forties and beyond. If you consider yourself ancient and past it others will too. Today thirty-nine is still a hip and trendy age and women are sexually active for so much longer than ever before. Why not just not tell people you’re a virgin, sex is so clumsy and disorganized at the best of times I doubt anyone would even know especially if you don’t treat it as this big thing. Thirty-nine is young but old enough that I imagine men would quickly assume you’re waiting for marriage.
Also I noticed you said propositioned men but you said they don’t want to date, so I assume sex has to be in a relationship for you which is fine just don’t mention it to potential or present partners, there’s no pressure on anyone then and it doesn’t become this significant thing, this elephant in the room and if they ever ask how many guys you’ve slept with just say ‘You don’t ask a Lady that’ – you’re 39, they will respect that.
Don’t give up, you sound like a confident and intelligent women.
Lovely. As someone who went to a catholic school and decided to be a virgin, eventually you realize how silly and extreme it is to wait for your husband. And yes your vagina isn’t the gift. Its you. All of you. I didn’t become active until 23 and I think one can be discerning about who they get involved with. Making sex a big deal is silly because it really isn’t but I went through all this anxiety about it. Having standards and having fun need not be mutually exclusive