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What If I’m A Virgin?

Last week I put out a video on how to answer, “how many people have you slept with?”.

It received an overwhelming response, with one question being asked over and over in the comments…

…”What do I say if my answer is zero? What if I’m a virgin?”

Women wrote back in droves saying that they have a hard time telling guys this, and that they wanted a strong, reassuring answer that doesn’t intimidate guys or freak them out.

If that’s you, whether you believe in ‘no sex before marriage’, or are just on the fence about when to get intimate with someone for the first time, you’ll want to check out this video…

For how many of you did the first time just SUCK? Tell your story in the comments below!

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153 Replies to “What If I’m A Virgin?”

  • My first time was not great. However, after years of becoming comfortable with myself, my body, what I want in my life, including the feeling I want my future relation with a man to feel like – I realize that I am glad that I have de-dramatized sex through the years. In addition, I have been able to find a new way to respect the act of sex, since I know the effect it has on me inside the bigger picture of being in relation to a partner. This, the bigger picture of being in relation to a partner through thought and action, is for me more important.

  • Quote “Your vagina is not your gift to the world”. What exactly is that suppose to mean? A woman who is waiting/searching for someone who will grow up with her; walk thru the hardships of life together (maybe holding hands); share the wonderful exciting moments; grow old and care for each other until one says “goodbye, I’ll see you in heaven” is worth saving herself (not just her vagina). The sex part of life is a very small piece of what goes on in a life time between two people, Mr. Hussey.
    You’ve totally lost me with this one. Let’s see if you’ll ever get me back!
    FYI Being “religious” has nothing to do with this topic!

    1. “The sex part of life is a very small piece of what goes on in a life time between two people, Mr. Hussey.” I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. An active, fulfilling sex life is crutial to a satisfying marriage. Hormones produced during female orgasm strengthen the bond between the woman and her partner and there’s nothing more gratifying and bond affirming (on a deep, soul level) for a man than knowing he’s giving the woman he loves an orgasm (or multiple). Of couse, great sex without trust and a commitment to support one another won’t hold a marriage but marriage without great sex becomes a friendly agreement to stay together – which can be fine with some people but they are unfortunatly missing out on a wonderful part of human experience.

  • my first time was prefaced with a strange icebreaker card game my date had decided he wanted to play as we sat on the floor of his apartment slurping noodles from the takeaway restaurant he lived above.

    The rules of the game were simple enough: whoever flipped the higher card got to ask the other a question. Immediately I wanted the game stopped because I knew exactly the kinds of questions I would be faced with and the grim reality in the answers I would then be expected to give.

    But he assured me he would ask easy questions. So I agreed to give it a shot. First flip and he has an ace. (A stacked deck, no doubt) and he asks,

    Virginity thief: When was your first kiss?

    Me (throwing my hand of 2s and 3s down on the table): I told you this was a stupid game.

    For at age 19, not only was I a virgin, but in true Drew Barrymore cushion embroidering fashion, I’d never been kissed.

    Virginity Thief was shocked at my unwillingness to answer “such a simple question”. So I fessed up and told him I’d never been kissed. He leaps up and runs into his bedroom. My teeth were chattering from nerves as he (I assumed) frantically tidied his bedroom for what he had hoped would happen next.

    He comes out and I can’t even talk with my teeth now channeling their inner jack hammer. He suggests that, to warm me up, we get into his bed.

    So in I climb, boots, jeans, jacket and all.

    He tells me I can take my boots off, I decline the offer and lie there in complete fear.

    Then he pulls the sheets up over our heads and kisses me. I remember looking crossed at his forehead as he slipped his tongue in before pulling back and announcing ‘that was your first kiss.’

    Then as things began getting more and more heated, the boots came off along with several other layers of clothing.

    I remembering barking at the top of my lung when he first entered the sacredness of my vagina, saying ‘holy fuck that hurts, get it out, get it out!’

    He attempts to reassure me telling me calmly that it is going to hurt.

    They why in heavens name are we doing it? I ask him….not-so sensually.

  • Virgin is such an out-dated term anyway, back in the day virginity was more of a state of purity of mind and innocence. So if we’re going to be honest and admit to it our pure minds ended a long time ago, after all (be honest) how young were you when you had your first dirty thought? Id be willing to bet younger than fifteen.

    Plus you can’t give someone your virginity because there isn’t actually anything to give (Google it) what we are giving someone is our trust, trust they won’t hurt us and someone who will respect our fears and apprehensions and not make us feel in anyway ashamed and (I think this is appropriate for this thread) care for us. So the ‘one’ suddenly becomes the one you can trust, feel safe and loved with enough because in the end virginity is just another area of vulnerability for women.

  • my first time i was raped. i have always hated sex. it was just an obligation to keep my man. i have only been with 4 men. the only one i enjoyed was my last man. that’s because we were each others forever mate. but he got hooked up in drugs and i pushed him out. i choose to not be with any other man, cause i will never Love again.

  • Hi Matt!
    I’m marred and I’m not looking for a guy but I really enjoy and appreciate your videos and advices. I’m forwarding them to my sons, friends, coworkers.
    There is so much wisdom between the lines that I love to catch and that help me to have better relationships with my kids, clients,with myself.
    You are awesome!!!!
    Thank you!!!

  • I dunno Matt, its such a touchy subject. Hell I havent even kissed a man after my divorce. But maybe thats my badge? Maybe its time to let that go and be ok with my choices. My ex husband was my first. To be honest, its been hard trying to connect with men im intrested in. Now I look back and almost wish I hadn’t waited, maybe if i hadn’t i would of moved on by now. So thats my insight! Anyways, thanks for the video 8)….

    1. You’re carrying it as a heavy handleless suitcase. Drop it. Sex is fun, is all you need to remember. And that you’ll meet a great guy to have that fun with.

  • I was 23 when I lost my virginity. I didn’t believe in waitin until marriage, I just hadn’t found someone worthwhile. It got to the point where I was meeting guys and when the ‘how many have you slept with’ question came up and I said Zero, they were stunned and proceeded to ask me all sorts of stupid question like ‘how does it feel to be a virgin’ and ‘OmG how do you manage’ yep, seriously. I had reached the point where I was tired of the stupid guys and there stupid questions and one guy I met who I wasn’t crazy about but seemed ok was the one I lost my virginity to. At that point I just wanted to lose it already so I no longer had to deal with the stupid questions. Turned out he was a virgin too at 26 and we both just said it in the moment, probably being nervous it would be awkward if we didnt say anything. Anyway, the first time was not good. He stopped it by telling me ‘that’s all I got’ hot right? And then he got really quiet after that and decided to tell me for what ever reason that about a year prior he had been addicted to strip clubs!!! Such a sweet memorable first time it was!

  • Good Morning Matt!

    Thank you for this video, I particularly enjoyed the tid bit about delivery with ones answer. This hit home for me. I am a virgin and up until this point was waiting for marriage due to religious reasons. I now find myself in new territory, as my belief in God, religion and the human experience has shifted far outside the lines of black and white. Leaving my faith in a god still left me with scars of seeing sex before marriage as wrong. It’s taken a long while for me to reconcile my sexuality and the expression of it as something beautiful and rather exciting. I will cary it my virginity as very light baggage from now on after seeing this video. It’s just a small clutch. ;) Hope you have a lovely week!

    1. Hi! To God it does not matter when you choose to have sex. All God wants is for us to be happy, love ourselves and one another. No sex before marriage is BS. Have sex with someone that matters. Whether ir not you end up marrying him. Of you do, you’ll tie the knot knowing your larried life will be filled with great sex – something a virgin bride can’t know. Can you imagine yourself married to a clumsy lover? Female orgasms are great and women should reclaim their right to select a partner that makes them feel safe, loved, and gives them pleasure in bed. Women’s sexual power can bring men to their knees and patriachal societies have tried to neutralize it since antiquity. Marrying a virgin is part of this scam. In fact, you should read Seductress by Betsy Prioleau.

  • I waited until I felt like I was in love. You asked how many of you, your first time was clumsy. Mine was great! It was worth the wait. I am proud of the fact that I waited and found someone that I cared about. It should be with someone you think you love and care about and not just a one night stand. It’s important to have standards and morals.

  • Hi Matthew!

    You spoke absolutely fantastic, as always! I grew up in a country where girls kept their virginity until marriage. But it wasn’t one sided. Most guys in that country do want a virgin girl to marry. So here is the interesting part: they did all the love making part except for penetration. Yeah! You see the hypocrisy? So, this way the girls kept their virginity even if it didn’t work out with a particular guy. So no matter how many men touched their bodies, they could say to their husbands that they didn’t sleep with anyone. Some others were having anal sex. I am not exaggerating, believe me. In the meantime, their boy friends were usually cheating. They were sleeping around with other girls, a small number of girls who didn’t mind having sex. They believed that it was their right to meet their biological needs as men. So to say, it is all nothing but a huge hypocrisy.

    Having been raised in an open-minded family, I always thought differently. And, I didn’t care what anyone else thought. But I didn’t date guys from that culture. I thought someone with my honesty and thinking capacity would be a gift for those unevolved men. I dated guys from other nations who had your mentality. I still see some of those sad people and what they are doing on my facebook page. They are married. Their marriages were built on lies and I am sure it is continuing that way. They try to portray the happy family but I know deep down they are miserable. They admire me and the way I have been living my life. Thankfully, I relocated in another country so I don’t have to deal with that primitive mentality anymore. Not where I live anyway.

    Keeping your virginity doesn’t make you more noble than women who have sex. Giving your mind and soul to someone a hundred percent when you are with them is the real virginity. That is the thing we need to keep, not a body part.

    Have a great week! Keep speaking your fantastic mind! xxxx

  • I am a virgin and I have learned That it’s best not to say anything. You say guys run off? Not in my experience. Usually they see it and a huge prize that they must race to the finish line to get. I’ve learned the hard way not to tell them I am. I’m not waiting for marriage.im in college and Just waiting until I find someone who I can enjoy that experience with. When asked the question I just say it doesn’t matter, that’s in the past. Now if I have been in relationship with the guy and it’s about to get to that point I would probably tell him. But non Chaulant like matt said, Because it’s not a big deal? Who cares if I am, I don’t think I’m an alien lol. I just have self respect and I value myself too much to be giving it out like party favors.

  • OMG! Yes yes yes!
    I was a virgin till I was 19 almost 20. I tried like hell to get rid of it.
    I let it define me….something must be wrong with me….lol
    My first was a foxy Frenchman stripper, hung like a horse.
    Was a deer in the headlights! Interesting, yes. Fun, not really.
    Totally freeing? ABSOFUCKINGLUTLY !

    Pease excuse profanity…very passionate about this subject!
    Hi Jameson

  • My first time was awesome, because I spent a long time getting to know the guy first. I didn’t just screw the first guy who made a move on me. I wanted him and he wanted me and we talked about it, got down and dirty and just got really comfortable with each other before it happened. I wasn’t nervous, I was just turned on. It was soo much fun and so great to feel even more intimate and connected with him. Sex rocks!

  • Your vagina is not your gift to the world. I love you for having said that, Matt.

    On another note, it’s so sad that still there are women leave their sex life to chance in terms of quality. If you marry as a virgin, you don’t know if the guy you’re marrying is a suitable lover. I get it there are women who want to wait until they’re certain they would want to marry the guy… But come on… “Test drive” him well in advance, because you have the right to a great sex life.

    And those who do that for religious reasons, let’s just be frank here… This is men’s invention. It does not matter to God if people have sex before marriage. God wants us to be happy, love ourselves and one another. PERIOD.

  • You are very wise, I agree with everything you have said! I was raised in a somewhat strict religious family, but i had some wild older sisters, thank god. My first experiences were not good but eventually i met a soulmate that i could distinguish the difference in what a great lover is! We were together a few years. I did however have to stop judging every other man after, comparing his standard of ability which was far superior to most men! Now there is a subject you can speak on.

  • What a great video! I’m 28 years old, a virgin, and don’t have any regrets about it. However, I have friends who put pressure on me and tell me I need to “find a guy to have sex with.” One of my best friends even stopped talking to me all because she found it “weird” that I haven’t been in an intimate relationship and even went as far as telling me I needed to see a psychiatrist to “figure out why.” My reasoning behind remaining a virgin isn’t due to the religion – it’s like you said in the video…I want to find someone who I trust, who it will mean something with. He doesn’t have to be the love of my life but I need to feel comfortable in that moment. These days I feel like most people don’t understand or even respect that.

    1. Hi! No problem with your decision so long as you don’t have trust issues. The problem with our issues is that many times we’re not aware we have them. It would be a shame if a wonderful guy entered your life but trust issues blinded you to him. So, just keep that in mind ;)

  • I think some good advice and views have been given by Matt here in this video and some comments below but I also disagree with somethings said by both. I personally don’t believe in the “try it before you buy it” mentality/way of thinking or “try a dozen before you take the box home forever” way of thinking. I am not religious but I do believe in waiting for the one that one who you are going to grow old with (rather marry the person or dont marry the person) and experience all of lifes ups and downs with. Some may say what if he is bad in bed the one you will marry/spend lifetime with? And to that I say SO what! When a couple gets bored with whats going on in the bedroom do they immediately break up and divorce? No most the time they dont they first try spicing things up. And yes there are some who break up the 1st time the sex is bad which to me is silly but each person does what they do and thats fine. I think rather the sex is good or bad first time or even after (or one of you is good or bad) you can always improve you can always learn new things. Things that will not only make happy and please the person your with but you as well. So to me you dont need to have slept with/had sex with more than 1 person before marriage or before the person you spend forever with. Sex is not everything #1 most important thing in life and a relationship. Yes it is apart of a relationship esp a marriage. However if it is the most important thing to someone then they need to take a step back and realize its not the only thing its apart of things and its a way to connect and share the deep feelings have for one another. Its not just about having fun. As for when someone asks the how many slept with and you havent slept with anyone. I would say avoid the topic the first few dates and wait to have sex til are in a committed relationship. Now this doesnt mean necessairyly waiting til marriage. It just means committing to one person and that person to you. So before you take the next step from dating then you discuss it. Just be honest with each other with your numbers. If its 0 or if its more. If the person cant accept the number then they arent the one for you. The one your supposed to be with 0 wont scare them away. And perhaps thats a sign that they care more about u and that the only reasons they are seeing you is not to get in your pants. Although yes some guys hear 0 and they think oh a prize they can win or whatever. Thats why you dont give it up right away and you get to know the person. If you find they are one those prize winner types then run run away from them as fast as you can. But ya anyways all very good pts made rather I agreed or not. I wonder from commenters here how many is too many even for those who say numbers mean nothing. Would you sleep with someone who has been with over 100 ppl or get into a relationship with someone who has been with that many ppl or more why or why not? Would u have any fears etc about it? P.S. It is not my intention to upset nor offend anyone with my comments. If I did sorry. Just expressing my views. Love u all :)

  • This is such an interesting topic – I’m 32 and up until about this time last year I was a virgin. When I was younger I was partly scared but also determined not to just have sex with someone who didn’t value it. Seeing my friends get – literally – screwed by men helped shape this opinion. I then became a Christian in my 20s, this reinforced my desire to wait for “true love.” During that time the response from men was anything but understanding. Even when I just stated that I wanted to wait until I was in love, as opposed to married, most high-tailed it when it became clear that my nether parts were a no-entry zone. It was a very tough thing to carry on my shoulders as I came across a lot of guys who may have been perfect for me but couldn’t cope with the idea of not having sex immediately or a few weeks/months down the line. I then met the person who I lost my virginity to and though he was willing to wait we argued constantly about the issue. Looking back I should have pondered if this was the right person for me but at 30 I felt like there weren’t many options for me, particularly as most women my age use their hands, feet etc. to count their partners. So I stuck it out. By then my faith had lapsed so I decided to take the plunge and we had sex. Soon after we split up as I made the decision that I would rather be single than in a relationship that made me so unhappy. The moral of the story for me? Is that it is very exceedingly rare in this day and age to find a man who is OK with the idea that you are a virgin and is willing to wait until you’re ready. Sorry to be so blunt to those who are waiting but I feel unless that man is themselves v. religious – and even then they can expect it as I found – it’s unlikely as sex is so un-sacred and has been devalued so much in this world to most that women aren’t really given a choice over their own bodies which is quite frightening. Many, me included I must say, have had sex because it’s expected and due to the pressure they feel. For me, when I was a virgin, the amount of judgement I encountered, not only from men but women too, who assumed that I was anti-sex, hated people who had sex etc. was disgusting and it really made me feel even more like a freak for having this odd notion of wanting true love before I allowed someone to physically be inside me. I now wish, if I am honest, that I hadn’t waited. I feel, considering I am not married to my first, that I went through a lot of palava for nothing and that I missed great potential dating opps because of this issue and also I am way behind many in my generation when it comes to knowing what does and doesn’t work for my body. I can’t lie when I say that I am thankful now it is no longer as big an issue as it was. I now no longer have to worry about whether I tell them or not and how long should I wait and etc. Certainly explaining, when required, that I do not have a big number, is awkward and I receive the same incredulity or view that I must be lying as I did when I said that I was virgin but to me this a way better than being in the position that I was in. Which is so funny considering that if I was on the opposite scale I could face the same thing – again highlights the damned if you do/don’t position we women find ourselves in on so many other things too from our weight to our careers/family balance. I hate to portray virginity as a burden and I don’t feel that it, in itself, is. I also am very clear in my belief that it is every individual’s choice to determine what they should or should not do with their body. However, I do feel that unfortunately because we’ve swung so far from being ridiculously repressive about sex to now overtly sexual in our society that very few people, men in particular, understand this and thus value choice when it comes to sex.

  • Any man who I’ve told that I’m a virgin said he highly respects that so I never was afraid to share that information. And it made them more attracted to me. I stopped feeling as though something was wrong with me for being different. I’m not necessarily waiting for marriage and not a “prude” but I haven’t had sex for a few reasons, including I haven’t been in love in the way I want to be before fully sharing my body with another.

    These days sex is treated as this casual thing by so many men and women. Then both wonder and complain how everyone only seems to want one night stands and instant gratification rather than form a relationship. Men are often hypocrites in this mentality too since some say how they want someone who is going to be up for everything in bed, yet have a problem with a woman who seems to be “experienced” and down for one night stands. And apparently some have an issue with a woman who isn’t experienced.

    And I am wary of any man who brings up sex when I just met him. Such as a man who told me the first time I met him he likes a woman who he can have interesting conversations, since it makes the sex better. I understand the fact that men, regardless of whether or not he wants a one night stand or several dates and becomes your husband, was thinking he wanted to have sex if he’s attracted to the woman. But those who come off with a “this is what I came here to do” attitude make me think they can’t all be that serious about sticking around. Otherwise they’d be a bit more candid and classy about their desires.

    1. With that said ,I think we’re mostly on the same page, Matt. Thank you for addressing this, as many dating “experts” out there make it seem as though it has to be black and white. And that we have to be down for sex after date 3, have a lot of experience, etc, or we’ll end up alone. I agree whether you choose to make virginity some sort of baggage and insecurity or not can have a huge impact and difference.

    2. I agree with you 100%! The casualness of sex now is rather sad. It makes everyone expect to have it whenever they get into a relationship.

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