Last week I put out a video on how to answer, “how many people have you slept with?”.
It received an overwhelming response, with one question being asked over and over in the comments…
…”What do I say if my answer is zero? What if I’m a virgin?”
Women wrote back in droves saying that they have a hard time telling guys this, and that they wanted a strong, reassuring answer that doesn’t intimidate guys or freak them out.
If that’s you, whether you believe in ‘no sex before marriage’, or are just on the fence about when to get intimate with someone for the first time, you’ll want to check out this video…
For how many of you did the first time just SUCK? Tell your story in the comments below!
If a man doesn’t care about your heart. He certainly doesn’t deserve your body.
Matt, it is so sweet of you to think of all of us and to make this video. As a religious person, I believe in sexual abstinence outside of marriage, and live by that principle. Sometimes it is hard, but since this principle is part of my relationship with God, the peace that it brings is worth it.
“Baggage is as heavy as you make it”. Matthew, that is a great line, and very true. It apply’s to so many things in our lives. I’m going to walk around quoting this line from you :)
And I do agree that it doesn’t have to be a huge huge deal. It’s a fact about me; it’s not an all-defining aspect of my personality. When I wake up in the morning, I’m thinking about other things, when I go to bed at night I’m thinking about other things. This one aspect of my life doesn’t have to be something I’m mentally obsessed about.
And I want to add that even for someone who has religious reasons for abstaining from sex outside of marriage, it doesn’t have to matter whether someone is technically a virgin. I know people who used to be sexually active outside of marriage, and then changed and became more religious, and now practice abstinence. They are not technically virgins, but it doesn’t matter.
What is important is how one is living right now, not what is in one’s past.
Thanks for this Matt! I’m one of those girls who find it awkward to admit that I’m still a virgin at the age of 26 and it feels like though guys say it’s a good thing it turns them off but after watching your video, it made me realize that it should not be a badge and being a virgin is my choice as I want to do it with someone special and yes, my vagina is not a gift to the world but a gift to myself to save it for a person I trust.
Another 26 year old virgin here, Carleen!
I have slowly come to this realization over time. I view not having sex yet like not having been to Asia.
Matt of course articulates this so much better than me.
Although the last time anyone asked me about my sex life was years ago :P
Wait… What? My hooha isn’t gods gift to the world? Bummer. My entire world view has just been altered. Lol. So my first experience wasn’t bad, but it’s because of the wisdom that my crazy Aunt Linda passed onto me. Many moons ago when I was a freshman in high school, a friend asked me to prom. My Auntie Linda took this opportunity to give me her famous sex talk. First she asked if I was still a virgin, to which I replied yes I am a virgin. She said good because I want to make sure that when you do have sex it is with somebody you really really love or somebody who is very experienced. if you give it up to somebody who you do not love and it isn’t good then you will sit in a corner and cry because you gave away that piece of yourself and it sucked. So to all the virgins out there I pass on this wisdom… Seriously I was lucky enough to have a first experience with somebody that was very skilled and I grew to love. We aren’t together now, but I learned a lot about myself. I left that relationship to go on and heal old wounds in my life and developed a true love and appreciation for the differences between men and women. My single life is so rich of love, hope and peace that I know will continue when I find the right the right guy to share it with.
This post is interesting. It hadn’t before occurred to me that as women, we seem to always be between a rock and a hard place. Men don’t want to be with women who’ve had a lot of sexual history, nor it seems with women who’ve had no history. Are these the same men that hold to these two points of view or are they different men? How much is too much? For some men it might be anything over 10, some over 50, maybe for some if you’ve had anything over 2 or 3 then that’s a dealbreaker. It’s as if men demand that we toe some middle ground of being both sexually experienced (i.e. non-virgins) but at the same time not cross the “slut” line, whatever that happens to be for a particular guy. This is such a bizarre and unfair standard for women, and worse it’s so dis-empowering.
Matt,
it’s all in the other ladies’ comments: you nailed it. As usual.
But what you also did is you warmed my heart and gave me a smile right before I have to go to work in a few minutes because one can hear (I didn’t watch, I only listened) in your video how much you have thought about this topic, how much passion you put into this and just how real you are – you mean what you say, I think that gives people a sense of safety, either if they are around you or if they just listen to your advice.
Thanks, Matt.
Hi Matt,
I’ve been watching your stuff for a long time. I bought your book and did your online programme (both superb) and I’m now in an incredibly loving and awesome relationship, which of course, doesn’t mean I stop watching and buying your stuff because your advice is not only about love, it’s about life.
And I have to tell you that this is possibly my best video of you that I’ve seen. You are SO right about baggage. I’m a very positive person and run a large company. I often have to coach people about handling situations and other people and it so often comes up that people make a situation which could be good or bad, a bad one. They think the other person will think something bad of a fact that they possess or something they do, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s all about how YOU handle that thing, what label YOU put on it. Being a virgin could be a plus, not a minus, just like having slept with a lot of people could be a plus, not a minus. It’s how you say it, what you believe about it, and how you feel about it – all of which are under YOUR control. It truly is a case of “it’s not what happens to us but how we react to it that matters”.
I also love this post because it was so from your heart. I’ve said it many times but I can’t help repeating it – thank you so much for caring so much Matt. It just honestly shines through and to me, is the secret of your success. Your genuineness, your caring for others and your good heart.
Brilliant post – not that any post is less than brilliant.
Much love,
Skye
I love you I love you I love you every single moment of this video.
Thank you, this is such a public forum, I won’t get into the details. But thank you for publishing this video, hearing these words felt so incredibly… freeing. Thank you :)
Rain x
I have been with only 1 man in my life…I was married to him for 25 years…I am starting all over again….Not a virgin…but I have not been with anyone else…I believe in being a Hi-Value woman…That is the way I am…Old School…& I like it…Plus…I don’t have to worry about getting any nasty sexually transmitted diseases…& if I decide to take that “plunge again”…He better be clean as a whistle…because I am….Even though it is wrapped up…you can still get diseases…I just want someone to be emotionally invested in me if I decide to “do it” again… ;)
It doesn’t mean I have to get married again…It would be OK to have a monogamous relationship again..maybe a friend with benefits?? But a committed friend with benefits…No 1 night stands for this gal…Don’t like those games….Not playing them either… :)
That was a wonderful video…Forgot to tell you that Matthew… ;) <3 Hugs!
Matthew, I would appreciate it so much if you address a much more difficult ‘virgin problem’. Being a virgin in your early 20’s is one thing, but what about a woman who actually has sexual experience but is a RELATIONSHIP-virgin? To further complicate the matter – She (meaning I, of course…) is not at her early 20’s but in her very late 30’s.Yep.
The reasons for this do not matter anymore; The fact is I feel I’ve completely changed my state of mind and now I’m SO READY for a serious relationship and have SO MUCH love to give. But how, oh how, do you say that to a guy you’re interested in and understandably asks you about your past relationships?
I just read your words in another blog about how ‘a man over a certain age should at least have an ex to speak about’, and that saddened me even more, because I know this applies to women as well. How to talk about it honestly but effectively? In my darkest moments I’m scared this alone would be reason I will never find love. That this alone will always make them run away.