What Makes a Man Suddenly Commit?

Have you ever been with a guy you were certain would never settle down? The type who would declare to all his friends that he just “wasn’t made” for a relationship . . . only to one day announce he’s in a serious relationship or even getting married?

In this week’s video, I not only dive into the answer to this question, but I also give you 4 practical pieces of psychology you can use to influence someone’s desire to commit to you. 

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What makes a man suddenly decide to commit? I want to talk about that in this video. I also want to give you four practical pieces of psychology that you can use to become the kind of person that someone wants to commit to. And I also want to finish this video by doing something exciting. My brother Stephen and I put together a brand new gift for you that is going to show you what to do practically if you find yourself right now in a situation where you want more from someone. OK, let’s jump in.

I think there are two types of people loosely who commit. There is the person that commits out of sheer passion and dopamine and oxytocin, who just in this feeling of, “Oh my God, you are my person. Lightning struck. I must have you. I must commit to you. You and I are going to build a life together,” decides to commit to that person. And then there’s the person who I think of as soberly committing based on a series of decisions and assessments about the way their life has been going and the way they would like it to go.

Now in the case of the first person, I think we have a natural skepticism about that kind of person because we are aware in ourselves that passion can be very fickle. And that just as quickly as they decided they must have someone and be with them forever, they can decide, “Actually, this isn’t what I want.” Doesn’t mean that that couple won’t stay together. It’s just that we know that that couple still has all their work ahead of them in staying together. It’s one of the reasons I think that when you have an older couple at a much younger couple’s wedding, there is a sort of, it doesn’t even have to be a skepticism, just a knowing that there’s a long road ahead.

In the case of the sober person, I use that word somewhat intentionally because it conjures for me the image that is true for so many people, which is that person who’s been going through their life living on a kind of dopamine cycle of dating, and casual sex, or intimacy, a person who’s been cycling through people, looking for that passion, looking for that passion, and then the moment they get bored of that, moving on again, and just constantly cycling through these emotions with a very kind of addict style behavior. I think we have a culture now that produces more and more people who are addicted to the dopamine cycle. We know this in social media, we know social media has created a world where our attention spans have gotten worse.

But I think that the same is true for so many in their love lives that the world now is set up for us to get addicted to that dopamine cycle, for us to get lots of hits from lots of people on dating apps, to have this seeming buffet of choice, and to find ourselves more easily in casual relationships. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with them, but when we get addicted to that cycle, achieving depth in a relationship can be harder because a relationship requires a different amount of investment, a different amount of effort, a different amount of work than simply meeting someone and hooking up or going on an exciting date.

If we live in a world that is producing more of the kind of person that finds it difficult to commit because they are addicted to those cycles, how when we encounter that do we approach it? That brings me onto the four things that we can do to become the person that someone commits to. And really what this is about is representing that evolved path for somebody else. Now I want to make something really clear. This is not a video about curing someone’s commitment phobia. This is not a video about saying that it’s our fault or that we need to do something.

Actually quite the opposite. It’s not your fault. If you’ve been going through your love life finding that there almost feels like there’s an epidemic of people who don’t want to commit or who are struggling to commit, that is not your fault. I think in large part that is due to the culture right now. But what I also believe is that there are a lot of people that have come to the end of that cycle or who find themselves unrewarded by that cycle who are actually looking for something different. And if we can represent that, we suddenly become the person that they want to commit to.

Number one, having an exciting vision for what a relationship means. If in our communication with someone, we can show that we have a big and exciting vision for a relationship, what it means in terms of trust, what it means in terms of adventures, what it means in terms of intimacy, sex, what it means in terms of everything, this is what a relationship is to me, this is what building something special is to me, if that is a compelling vision, then a relationship does not mean all of a sudden my life gets really dull and boring and monotonous.

It actually means I’m building something extraordinary long-term. We have to buy into an exciting vision for a relationship first so that when someone is around us, they start to see why a relationship with us would be exciting. And that doesn’t even mean, by the way, linking it directly to them. There are ways to do it where you don’t link it to them but you just have this vision for the relationship you will one day be in that makes them want to be a part of that.

Number two, we have to show vulnerability. Vulnerability is actually expressing that we like someone. Vulnerability is expressing that we would actually like more with them. There are of course right ways to do it. If you want to know the right ways to do it, stay until the end of the video. But vulnerability in expressing our desires, the path we want to go down, that is something not nearly enough people do and it will make you stand out.

Number three, communicating standards. This is something that when someone is being vulnerable and communicating that they like someone, they often forget to do. They communicate they like someone, but then they show that they’ll be there no matter what, no matter how they’re treated. If we learn how to communicate our standards to somebody, then we not only have the vulnerability and the warmth that draws someone in, we also have the boundaries that show them that they have to live up to a certain standard, that they have to actually provide a certain amount for us to keep giving them that energy.

And the fourth thing is we need to bring someone peace. Most people have gone through their lives as a single person not having peace. They’ve been engaged in drama. They’ve found that when they didn’t give someone what they wanted, that was met with anger, resentment. They were made to feel guilty. All of this drama is a big part of being single. And I honestly believe for a lot of guys, they get to a point in their lives where they find themselves looking for peace. They find themselves looking for a place that they can go where they can actually lower their own nervous system. And they can feel different than this frantic kind of volatile energy they’ve been experiencing for most of their life.

If we can represent that piece, then we will stand out. We will be someone that another person thinks, “When I’m around you, I just feel better. I feel more at peace and I want more of that in my life.” And that may not be something someone thinks at 21, but at a certain point in their life when they realize that’s one of the most valuable things, maybe the most valuable thing they could ever have, it starts to become really, really attractive. Now, how do we bring peace to somebody is how we deal with ourselves in arguments. Do we show what we think without doing all of the normal things people do in an argument that just amplify the tension?

When we say what we want, if we don’t get it, do we get angry? Do we get massively resentful? Does it come out in ways that allow them to tell stories about how crazy you were or how over the top you were or how you sprung it on them in a really volatile way? Because that’s exactly what makes it easier for someone to leave and have a narrative of why they had to leave. Whereas if we just bring peace to somebody, even in the difficult conversations, even when we’re asking for more, if we bring a peaceful energy, then when someone walks away, it plays on their mind. Because they go, “Well, I’m not walking away because they were dramatic. I’m not walking away because they were super angry and I couldn’t deal with it. I’m not walking away because this was a really difficult person who’s going to bring a lot of drama to my life. I’m walking away because of me.” And that makes someone question. It makes them have to face themselves.

These four things are really, really powerful when done together. But you may be asking yourself, practically speaking, how do I actually use them all? If I have someone in my life right now that I want more with, how do I apply what you’ve just said, that psychology? I told you I was going to give you something here. My brother Stephen and I created a free guide that is brand new, this has never been released before until this video, that is all about how to define the relationship with somebody.

If you are feeling right now like you’re in limbo, limbo meaning I don’t know where I stand, I don’t know where it’s going, I don’t know how to move it forward, it’s not going at the pace that I want, this free guide is 20 pages. It’s a really easy read, but it is going to be one of the most practical things you could have for this part of your life if you find yourself in this stage. Go to LeaveLimbo.com now and you can download this guide absolutely free. It is our gift to you. Our guides are insanely popular but we haven’t released a new one in a while so we’re just really excited to bring this to you today. LeaveLimbo.com is the link. Go check it out. And I will see you over there.

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5 Replies to “What Makes a Man Suddenly Commit?”

  1. Thank you for the encouraging video. I’m in a relationship that has stalled. One moment he’s saying I want you and the next he is pulling back.

  2. I think it’s more like the scene in “Sex and the City.” A man is like a cab. He’s driving around and then suddenly one day puts his light on … and marries the next female rider. :) It’s timing. He has to be in the mindset to be looking for a long-term partner.

  3. Wow, thank you so much Matthew and Stephen Hussey for providing all this helpful information with your compassion in this video and your new guide! You have saved me! I really needed this right now. It gave me clarity. I’ve been struggling this past month questioning what to do. I actually wondered what you would say in my situation and had tried at one point to find out the answer online. Recently I connected on all levels with a man who I’ve known for years, but didn’t know on a personal level. It seemed like we both wanted the same thing in a relationship and were moving forward. When we connected he had told me he had been taking a break from dating to focus on himself and to get rid of his exes stuff (literally and probably also figuratively) because he felt his life was too complicated to bring someone into. After about 4 weeks, some things shifted in his life and he realized that he still does not feel ready to be in a relationship. I’ve been questioning whether to stay in touch or not. It’s been hard because I feel like we could have a really great relationship if his life were more settled and I feel like I want to support him through this time. I’ve realized though that it’s not been great for my own energy and emotional health right now. This gave me clarity of what I need to tell him and how. I really appreciate as you said your practical and easy to follow guidance, hopefully it will be easy enough to follow through. I just need to have the courage to actually do it. I’m hoping that by writing this I will be more committed, because what you said about liking myself more and valuing my time and energy I think is important.

  4. Hello.
    I appreciate most of your advices, but the second part of this video seems plain dangerous to me.
    One should definitely avoid at all costs people who can t commit. The probability for such a person to change is much lower than the one of winning at the lottery.
    People with commitment issues get worse in time, as their trauma goes deeper with each new superficial relation they get into, their brain gets even more addicted to not commiting and their way of avoiding meaningful/deep relationships just becomes their way of being, becomes them.
    One should definitely avoid such persons, as a relationship therewith damages a lot. (for instance the rate of heart attacks is higher for persons coupled with avoiding/desorganised partners, also known for their commitment issues; not the mention the fact that commitment issues usually come along with a lot of other issues).
    All my best,
    Olga

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