What *Really* Matters To Men
This is the eleventh piece to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.
Today’s piece dispels the myth that looks are all that matters, and provides a comprehensive breakdown of what a High Value Woman is. This is the key to getting guys to put you in the ‘Girlfriend Category’ and to have them chasing you for commitment. Enjoy!
It’s no secret that men place women into categories. Or maybe it is (in which case, sorry guys!).
When we identify these categories we see what separates the woman who only gets attention for one night from the woman who is constantly batting away marriage proposals.
To begin with, let’s look at two common stereotypes about men and women.
Male stereotype: Men are dogs. They will overlook any personality flaw in a woman if she has a pretty face and the body of a Victoria’s Secret model.
Female stereotype: Women are superficial. They are seduced by money and power and will compromise on any other desired qualities if they can pin down a man who has both.
Both of these stereotypes exist for a reason. The male stereotype exists because it’s plain to see that attractive women can receive a ton of attention for their looks.
And here’s the false conclusion most people draw from this: Men just want a pretty face.
The problem with this conclusion though is that it confuses attention with attraction. Pretty women will always get attention from a certain percentage of guys. Just like rich and powerful guys will always get attention from a certain percentage of women.
But we have to see this for what it is: Initial attention.
Why Initial Attention Is Only The Beginning
Initial attention is like having a great résumé for a job.
It catches someone’s eye and distinguishes you from other people. But only for a short window. If you screw up the interview or turn out to be useless on the job (not a euphemism, promise!), then the résumé won’t help.
It’s the same with visual attraction. All it does (on its own) is turn heads.
There are many things we can all do to improve our visual attraction. The beauty industry likes to make this seem like a labyrinth of complexity, but really it comes down to: working out regularly, eating well, taking care of our skin, grooming well, dressing to compliment our best assets, being fashionable and coordinated, having good posture and a warm smile. These things are all under our control. But though we can improve them it’s a big mistake to make looks our sole obsession.
Even if you put all this work into your looks and become the most radiant, sexy woman in the room and he’s totally into your type – all that does on it’s own is trigger a basic male response in his head: I would have sex with her.
She has physical attraction, which means this: as long as she doesn’t do something horrific in his presence, like murder a fellow human being in cold blood, or tell him to “call me maybe” when they exchange numbers, he’s going to want to sleep with her.
But even with visual attraction, there’s no guarantee a guy will even approach in the first place.
Most guys never approach women. They only approach if the risk seems low i.e. if she seems open, warm, fun, approachable and friendly. Guys rarely approach the most attractive girl in the place; they approach the girl who is attractive AND approachable.
One woman could look like Scarlett Johansson, but if he’s scared of getting a cocktail thrown in his face he could be in the room with her for ten hours and never strike up a conversation.
The Three Boxes, Or: What Keeps Him For Longer Than One Night
All this is to make an obvious point: Looks aren’t everything. They are something, but we tend to over-assume their importance. Like the impressive résumé, the most they do is open a door.
Yet it’s so bizarre how we assume people with good looks must have breezy love lives and just fall into relationships. Good looks just help with one part of the process, and even then they don’t guarantee much more than a few sleazy come-ons at a bar.
When a woman is just physically attractive and nothing else, a guy places that woman into the Sex Category, or what we can call Box No. 1.
There are three boxes guys place women in, the order of which is as follows:
Box No. 1: Girl I would sleep with (Sex Category)
Box No. 2: Girl I would casually date/have sex with and introduce to my friends (Casual Dating Category).
Box No. 3: Girl I would have long-term relationship with and introduce to my family (Girlfriend/Marriage Category).
Box No. 1 is usually visual and based on lust. It doesn’t mean a girl has to be the hottest woman he’s ever seen by any stretch of the imagination – it just means he has to feel some base tug of sexual chemistry.
Box No. 2 is the woman for whom he feels attraction, but she will also possess a few other key qualities that make her fun for more than one night, such as being:
- Good company
- Fun to hang out with
- Easy or intelligent conversation
- Able to charm his friends
- Not embarrassing/nasty/bitchy in public
- Good natured and has a sense of humour
Box No. 3 has far greater criteria, and requires a man to see evidence of specific high value traits, such as:
- A strong sense of purpose and direction in life
- Independence and interests/pursuits that give her fulfillment
- A commitment to growth and ability to improve
- Looking after her health and treating her body with respect
- Strong standards for how she should be treated that she sticks to
- A feeling of self-worth and internal validation
- Sexual confidence and ability to be adventurous in bed
- Ability to turn him on emotionally and sexually
- Absence of neediness
- Willingness to love him for who he is and encourage him
- A lifestyle that she loves living and good relationships with people around her
- Absence of drama
These are just some of the major traits that men are unconsciously seeking out when they begin dating someone. The more high value traits a woman shows, the quicker he puts her straight into the Girlfriend Category. This is why some guys claim they ‘just know’ that a girl is a keeper – because early on they see evidence that the girl they are dating is high value and thus irreplaceable (providing he’s in the right time in his life for a commitment of course).
All of this might seem obvious. It’s obvious that people are more choosy about who they have relationships with compared to potential sex partners.
But people forget this obvious truth.
Moreover, the broader purpose of this piece is to highlight that everyone struggles with different parts of the process when it comes to dating.
Just because someone is physically appealing, it doesn’t mean that they have the high value traits that make a guy want to call them for a second and third date, or get into a relationship with them (and the same goes for men).
Equally, just because someone is high value and would make an incredible partner does not mean that they are good at getting that initial attention in the first ten minutes. To go back to our job analogy earlier – it’s as though they are perfect for the role but don’t know how to write an eye-catching résumé that shows their qualities early on, leaving them overlooked for the wrong reasons.
Everyone has their own weaknesses. Take a look through the qualities mentioned in this piece and identify one or two areas that you think are your weakest areas. There is huge power in identifying what we need to work on, or else we stumble blind for months or years working on the wrong things.
And remember – most of the time our dating life isn’t a total disaster. Most of us are getting it mostly right in most areas. Sometimes just fixing one missing link in the chain can bring the whole thing together.
What links do you need to tighten up? Let me know in the comments below. If I notice a pattern in the responses I’ll direct a future article to that specific topic.
Photo credit: André Benedix