This is the eleventh piece to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.
Today’s piece dispels the myth that looks are all that matters, and provides a comprehensive breakdown of what a High Value Woman is. This is the key to getting guys to put you in the ‘Girlfriend Category’ and to have them chasing you for commitment. Enjoy!
Enter Stephen
It’s no secret that men place women into categories. Or maybe it is (in which case, sorry guys!).
When we identify these categories we see what separates the woman who only gets attention for one night from the woman who is constantly batting away marriage proposals.
To begin with, let’s look at two common stereotypes about men and women.
Male stereotype: Men are dogs. They will overlook any personality flaw in a woman if she has a pretty face and the body of a Victoria’s Secret model.
Female stereotype: Women are superficial. They are seduced by money and power and will compromise on any other desired qualities if they can pin down a man who has both.
Both of these stereotypes exist for a reason. The male stereotype exists because it’s plain to see that attractive women can receive a ton of attention for their looks.
And here’s the false conclusion most people draw from this: Men just want a pretty face.
The problem with this conclusion though is that it confuses attention with attraction. Pretty women will always get attention from a certain percentage of guys. Just like rich and powerful guys will always get attention from a certain percentage of women.
But we have to see this for what it is: Initial attention.
Why Initial Attention Is Only The Beginning
Initial attention is like having a great résumé for a job.
It catches someone’s eye and distinguishes you from other people. But only for a short window. If you screw up the interview or turn out to be useless on the job (not a euphemism, promise!), then the résumé won’t help.
It’s the same with visual attraction. All it does (on its own) is turn heads.
There are many things we can all do to improve our visual attraction. The beauty industry likes to make this seem like a labyrinth of complexity, but really it comes down to: working out regularly, eating well, taking care of our skin, grooming well, dressing to compliment our best assets, being fashionable and coordinated, having good posture and a warm smile. These things are all under our control. But though we can improve them it’s a big mistake to make looks our sole obsession.
Even if you put all this work into your looks and become the most radiant, sexy woman in the room and he’s totally into your type – all that does on it’s own is trigger a basic male response in his head: I would have sex with her.
She has physical attraction, which means this: as long as she doesn’t do something horrific in his presence, like murder a fellow human being in cold blood, or tell him to “call me maybe” when they exchange numbers, he’s going to want to sleep with her.
But even with visual attraction, there’s no guarantee a guy will even approach in the first place.
Most guys never approach women. They only approach if the risk seems low i.e. if she seems open, warm, fun, approachable and friendly. Guys rarely approach the most attractive girl in the place; they approach the girl who is attractive AND approachable.
One woman could look like Scarlett Johansson, but if he’s scared of getting a cocktail thrown in his face he could be in the room with her for ten hours and never strike up a conversation.
The Three Boxes, Or: What Keeps Him For Longer Than One Night
All this is to make an obvious point: Looks aren’t everything. They are something, but we tend to over-assume their importance. Like the impressive résumé, the most they do is open a door.
Yet it’s so bizarre how we assume people with good looks must have breezy love lives and just fall into relationships. Good looks just help with one part of the process, and even then they don’t guarantee much more than a few sleazy come-ons at a bar.
When a woman is just physically attractive and nothing else, a guy places that woman into the Sex Category, or what we can call Box No. 1.
There are three boxes guys place women in, the order of which is as follows:
Box No. 1: Girl I would sleep with (Sex Category)
Box No. 2: Girl I would casually date/have sex with and introduce to my friends (Casual Dating Category).
Box No. 3: Girl I would have long-term relationship with and introduce to my family (Girlfriend/Marriage Category).
Box No. 1 is usually visual and based on lust. It doesn’t mean a girl has to be the hottest woman he’s ever seen by any stretch of the imagination – it just means he has to feel some base tug of sexual chemistry.
Box No. 2 is the woman for whom he feels attraction, but she will also possess a few other key qualities that make her fun for more than one night, such as being:
- Good company
- Fun to hang out with
- Easy or intelligent conversation
- Able to charm his friends
- Not embarrassing/nasty/bitchy in public
- Good natured and has a sense of humour
Box No. 3 has far greater criteria, and requires a man to see evidence of specific high value traits, such as:
- A strong sense of purpose and direction in life
- Independence and interests/pursuits that give her fulfillment
- A commitment to growth and ability to improve
- Looking after her health and treating her body with respect
- Strong standards for how she should be treated that she sticks to
- A feeling of self-worth and internal validation
- Sexual confidence and ability to be adventurous in bed
- Ability to turn him on emotionally and sexually
- Absence of neediness
- Willingness to love him for who he is and encourage him
- A lifestyle that she loves living and good relationships with people around her
- Absence of drama
These are just some of the major traits that men are unconsciously seeking out when they begin dating someone. The more high value traits a woman shows, the quicker he puts her straight into the Girlfriend Category. This is why some guys claim they ‘just know’ that a girl is a keeper – because early on they see evidence that the girl they are dating is high value and thus irreplaceable (providing he’s in the right time in his life for a commitment of course).
All of this might seem obvious. It’s obvious that people are more choosy about who they have relationships with compared to potential sex partners.
But people forget this obvious truth.
Moreover, the broader purpose of this piece is to highlight that everyone struggles with different parts of the process when it comes to dating.
Just because someone is physically appealing, it doesn’t mean that they have the high value traits that make a guy want to call them for a second and third date, or get into a relationship with them (and the same goes for men).
Equally, just because someone is high value and would make an incredible partner does not mean that they are good at getting that initial attention in the first ten minutes. To go back to our job analogy earlier – it’s as though they are perfect for the role but don’t know how to write an eye-catching résumé that shows their qualities early on, leaving them overlooked for the wrong reasons.
Everyone has their own weaknesses. Take a look through the qualities mentioned in this piece and identify one or two areas that you think are your weakest areas. There is huge power in identifying what we need to work on, or else we stumble blind for months or years working on the wrong things.
And remember – most of the time our dating life isn’t a total disaster. Most of us are getting it mostly right in most areas. Sometimes just fixing one missing link in the chain can bring the whole thing together.
What links do you need to tighten up? Let me know in the comments below. If I notice a pattern in the responses I’ll direct a future article to that specific topic.
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Photo credit: André Benedix
Stephen, does this mean it might be best to not date if a person needs time to know where they want to go in life/ know what they wish to acheive/ understand where their passions lie?
I’m saying this for myself of course. It sounds like you are saying that men are more attracted to the women who know what they want, know their values and know how to live life right?
I could be wrong of course…
If I were a guy I’d do me.
Good company….if he enjoys awkward silence.
Fun to hang out with….define fun….
Easy or intelligent conversation… I’m up for anything as long as he’s doing the talking and it peaks my interest and I can come back with something without looking like an ignorant fool. I have no problems asking questions.
Able to charm his friends…might take awhile to warm up to them but yeah I can possibly charm the heck out of them…
Not embarrassing/nasty/bitchy in public…I absolutely would never EVER EVER be that way in public… intentionally. People are sensitive to different things so I never know when I have offended someone unless they point it out. I wouldn’t want that done to me. Humiliation is kind of a deal breaker depending on the situation. I’m the type that can move past it and forgive it if I care about the person deeply.
Good natured (check) and has a sense of humour… an odd sense of humor but I guess it’s humor
A strong sense of purpose and direction in life…if I finally stop falling on my face, successfully raise 2 children who turn out much better and way more successful than I am, and not starting over–over and over again is a sense of purpose then….check
Independence and interests/pursuits that give her fulfillment…I have a crazy desire for it. I have many interests and haven’t got a clue how to go after them with out it costing a bunch of money….I just feel that I have no time for it either raising my kids and all.
A commitment to growth and ability to improve… Double check …slow and steady wins the race. I’m better than I was a year ago but I still have ways to go.
Looking after her health and treating her body with respect…I do my best. There are times when I get over emotional and stressed out so I over eat.
Strong standards for how she should be treated that she sticks to… that’s a nope. I treat people how I want to be treated and even when I don’t receive it I still do my best to be kind, fair, and lodgical. I guess I’m kind of a pushover.
A feeling of self-worth and internal validation… negatory
Sexual confidence and ability to be adventurous in bed…only when I am comfortable with the person I’m sleeping with. I’ll rock his socks off.
Ability to turn him on emotionally and sexually…I have had moments in the past where I could do that but the negative sense of self worth and internal validation stands in the way.
Absence of neediness… negative…I get needy when I feel ignored then I get clingy and needy.
Willingness to love him for who he is and encourage him… absolutely…who ever the lucky guy will be…and sometimes the encouragement may come with criticism. I try not to be harsh as I have said earlier everyone is sensitive to different things. It killed my last relationship I think. I don’t know how to stop or curb it or rephrase it to where it doesnt come off as harsh or insensitive. I’m not one to sugar-coat.
A lifestyle that she loves living and good relationships with people around her… that’s a nope to the first part. That’s not a permanent nope though… at least I am optimistic.
Absence of drama …I do my best to avoid it. The drama in my head because of the emotions colliding with eachother I guess there’s quite a presence there…so that’s a nope.
I don’t worry about being pretty enough or good enough for a guy or a prize at all…I know I will be one to someone someday when I’m ready for it. It’s come to a point where I want to be alone. I absolutely despise the attention I get and solitude feels like it’s absolutely necessary. It shouldn’t be that way should it? Especially after answering these I am just not ready to even date I guess. It’s not that I’m bitter about the crappy situations that I have been in. I know that it’s not just me that was the problem it didn’t work out. I just want time away from sex, dating, and commitment just to heal from the heartache it caused.
I absolutely despise the attention …I meant I’m just disgusted with the kind of attention that I get.
So here is my story I think all the boxes from number 3. Im with my boyfriend for 5 months now. He met all my family my child. At the beginning he would spent loads of time with me and now he makes excuses like work etc. He didn’t introduced me to his family and kids and only few of his friends. I’m starting to think should I just run away because something is not right in the whole situation or should I perhaps wait a bit longer and see if he finally introduce me to a big part of his life. I was never in my whole dating life treated like that. I feel like just a hook up at this point. I tried talking to him but it brings me nowhere he just makes excuses as says he will arrange things so I can meet his family and kids and then nothing happens. His kids and family lives in different city so that he leaves to see them every one of his days off. I understand and I accept that but I don’t think it’s fair he would never take me with him ladies can you let me know what you think ? The situation is starting to hurt me at this point especially that my baby is getting really attached to this man.
Clearly men (and women) must also have a 4th box they use to sort potential mates: The not interested box. There will obviously be those individuals that wouldn’t be put in any of the three boxes listed above (because they’re already married, too overweight, dress too extreme, etc.).
Therefore, it can be difficult knowing the key to unlocking more doors is your looks (or money/power for men). Granted–it’s a numbers game and an ability to play strategically. I think I’m just feeling some negative tension at the moment because I’m heading off on a road trip and will be passing through Las Vegas. That’s definitely not the most strategic of places to be thinking about this sort of stuff (when my intention is to play for keeps, not play for winning the night). HOWEVER–it might be the perfect playground to practice my skills. I just don’t know how to walk into a place alone and not have people assume I’m a hooker. hahaha.
Great read! Thanks for sharing!
I need help with being more open and approachable. I’ve been told I’m tall, too intimidated and too serious. I’ve been hurt before recently divorced 2 years now and began dating a guy but he moved for a job and couldn’t do long distance. I want to start meeting new men but I need to work on being more open and approachable.
Here are my thoughts. Men are visual creatures, even women too. We like to see pretty things, no one is gonna approach someone that looks like he/she didnt even take the effort to dress up/look good.
And about the part where men like you because of your looks its not true. We women do it as well. We judge based on first impression/looks. So we ourself cannot be hypocrites and blame men for doing it. Of course not everyone is like that but those are exceptional cases.
As for the box1-3, i noticed that if you go in without expectations on the first outing, you will be more of yourself having fun, talking about anything without feeling restricted, do funny gestures, laugh. Just think of it as you are making a new friend and you wont be pressured to impress and you end up being a boring person. Body language is also very important, it shows how expressive you are. And pls dont get into your whole life story on a 1st/2nd date or talk about your ex bf like you got burn really badly. Talk about simple things to get to know ech other. Trust me even through simple things you can get to a 2nd/3rd/more dates. Because men want to see how engaging you are and how you talk about things/opinions.
And when he does call you for a 2nd date, still act yourself. Dont think because he called you for a 2nd date its a sure sign you are going to be in a relationship.
The reason men ask you out for more could be a couple of reason and one of it is they enjoy your company, until you can show them that you are someone they cannot find/replace they will be eager to lock you down. But pls dont be a gf by bringing him hot chicken soup when hes sick or clean his house because hes too busy. These can only be done when you are in a relationship. Doing too much at first scares a man away.
Neediness are things like when hes out with his friends, you text him non stop. Yes you may say stuff like enjoy yourself but you are still texting back and forth. So how is he enjoying himself when he has to keep replying you?
Or when he says hes busy at work at you still text him back and forth talking about unimportant things like what to eat for dinner or if he likes chicken? If hes busy at work means he is busy at work. Dont read into it like Sherlock Holmes. Just say okay you do your work and we will talk later then go and have your own life. Do your own work. Read news if you have no work. Find something. He would like to see that you can survive without him texting you when hes busy/not around.
If a man is not interested in you, they wont bother talking to you or even see you. No one is too busy, its a matter of priorities. Unless he own 50 companies maybe?
I know its hard to do because of our own insecurities but work on yourself, be independent and strong and be comfortable with yourself. Be comfortable being on your own. And dont be pressured to get someone just because you are getting older. You will also not think clearly and make wrong judgment because of you are rushing to seal the deal. Man will notice your desperation and its a huge turn off. Even women feels turned off if a man is acting out on desperation.
I hope this helps.
I actually cannot express enough how amazing this reply is! It is absolutely on the money! Thank you for posting this I needed to read this :)
My missing link is between date one or two and relationship zone. I can get the attention and date but not the relationship. Thoughts on the problem- fall into relationship mode immediately and don’t continue to make them work for it and or I am too available.
If she does not ” tell him to “call me maybe” when they exchange numbers, he’s going to want to sleep with her. “.
I did not understand this. What is wrong with saying ” call me maybe “??
Spot on being attractive and approachable. Most men are pussy and have the slightest tendency to jump if she show sign we could be embarrassed.
Vulnerability. Most men have. None have the courage to get stab.
Lacking the desire to fall into neediness
I’m a guy. I’m really good at first impressions in MY comfort areas…like large group gatherings I’m normally part of, or friends of friends. Even if I’ve never met the girl, if I feel super comfortable in that space I’m GOOD. My weakness is being in places that aren’t my normal niche… supermarket, club, random places where I didn’t expect to talk to a hot girl. I can’t cold talk a girl especially if she’s pretty. I know I have a lot to offer but the fact that I’m talking to a super pretty girl FREEZES me up! and my convo SUCKS. This only happens in places where I don’t feel like it’s my turf or normal space of comfort. Otherwise, in my comfort space I have no prob talking to pretty girls. What should I do?
Realize that you have nothing to loose. MH says that the most dangerous part in any interaction is the time when we decide we really like someone. Because that’s when our standards go out the window.
When you don’t like someone you’re fun, you’re charming, you’re charismatic and you have standards. As soon as you like someone it all goes out the window.
It’s bc there are stakes and when there are stakes that’s when we all of a sudden get nervous and we stop being ourselves.
So I think your challenge maybe to pretend she’s the most hideous creature in the room and you have nothing to loose. Find a way to take down this wall of amazingness that you have built up. Maybe pretend in your head that she’s been yours forever and it’s another boring date night. idk! just break the wall of caring and get passed it.
Thank you both for sharing this with us.
The think I’ve been struggling the most with is feeling of self-worth and ibternal validation. My achievements so far have helped me regain some self-confidence, but my chronic disease is strongly hindering my feeling of self-worth. It’s a disease that has negative repercussions on social life and seems like it’s becoming a roadblock.. as it gets difficult not to be thought as too much of a burden be new people entering my life,especially interesting/interested guys.
If you could mention something about self-worth/internal validation and socially-disrupting chronic disease situations, that’d be super interesting!
Internal validation
I appreciate the honesty in this article. As a woman who most often falls into category 3, I’d like to offer some insight from this side of the fence. I have seen so many women who always end up in the first two categories and can’t figure out why they’re never in the 3rd category. It breaks my heart because in my opinion it usually comes down to women not valuing themselves enough to hold out for the right guy. Newsflash: Women can be just as superficial as men when it comes to dating, but women who value themselves see the great looking charmers for what they are…fun for the flattery but not worth lowering their true standards for. If a woman who values herself hooks up with a player…it is by choice, with no hopes or expectations for it to be anything more than a hookup. And that’s a big reason we end up in category 3. We don’t fall for players. And we don’t waste our time with men who clearly see us as a Category 1 or 2 woman. And when you value yourself, it really is easy to see the difference.
On the flip side…men need to know..if they want to find a Category 3 woman, they have to risk putting themselves out there. Category 3 women RARELY approach men…i know it’s old fashioned, but part of a woman valuing herself means she’s not in any way going to appear desperate. Her confidence shows you that she knows who she is and knows she is worth approaching. So, guys…APPROACH the woman! Talk to the confident, good looking ones you are truly interested in! And don’t ever think a woman is out of your league! Personality and confidence will turn a 6 into a 9 very quickly for most women.
And lastly…this is probably for another blog…get to know a woman before trying to turn her into a girlfriend! If I had a dime for every time a guy asked me a question about myself and showed real interest in the answer..id have about .20 cents! Shoe real interest and depth and we will put you into OUR Category 3!
Exactly! Thank you for posting this.
You’re absolutely right !
I feel that guys need to feel that they are the protector, the hero, and that they need to feel that the lady is like a damsel in distress else they won’t be attracted by her or feel that they have to protect her and whatnot.
More often than not, I’ve only showed how strong-headed I am and how I am a no-shit kind of woman, who can stand on her own two feet and then guys I like would always go for my cousin who is more like a helpless bird…
Dude I think I experience the same. Cause when I play all sweet and like the damsel I tend to get a lot of guys but I realised its not who I am by default so I stopped and then the asking out reduced.
As long as the internet exists with online dating available to anyone and everyone, this will be a huge reason why women and men will remain single. It’s too easy now,why get married is the thought. It’s important to love yourself and not be manipulated by these dating relationship books. Why do we have to work so hard to be loved?? It should be easy…It’s the world we live in now,face it. WE all have to learn how to love ourselves,and if it’s companionship,animals are the best choice to fix that void.
I agree with this totally! I get sick of people commenting “you’re so pretty, it must be easy!” You have a great personality why are you single!” When really the only easy part is getting approached at a bar…which is not the goal. The part I struggle with is this: the type of men who have approached me in the last year or two have told me I’m long term material, they want a serious relationship, introduced me to family, really rolled out the red carpet on dates, and within a few months it’s the same old “I’ve realized you can do much better than me and I don’t want a relationship after all. But you’re wife material and one day I’ll be ready, so I’d love to stay friends because you’re (insert every good quality here).” How do I weed out the men who say and do all the right things to get my interest from men who actually want a relationship?
I’m aware this probably isn’t the norm. About 2.5 years ago my life flipped completely upside down. I was 11 years into my Marine Corps career when I found out I had a form of epilepsy… 2 months later I found out I was pregnant. I lost my career, had a baby at 30 (I never planned on having kids) and had to go from working with Marines to being surrounded by college students. Talk about culture shock. Now, I’m in my early 30’s, a single mom and a full time college student who just moved to the area. When I was active duty my hobbies were mostly outdoors or in the gym (so the only clothes I own are pretty rouhh shape. Now, My support system is non-existent, so for me the problem is time. Having the time to meet new people (whether it be a potential partner or just a new friend) and time to take care of myself the way I used to seems like an impossible feat until I graduate. I stopped working out, mediating, meeting people, or participating in any hobby. I no longer have anything that resembles fun, friends, or a life. I use my time to play with my 2 year old daughter, go to class, finish homework and do the things I need to in order to keep my house running. Although I wouldnt trade having time with my daughter for ANYTHING, I feel lost and sort of trapped in my new life.
Any advice would be helpful.
I think you have some myths to bust. It sounds like you’ve built up a belief system of why you can’t meet a guy. Believe me I’m in the same spot you are only I have two kids and I work with a room full of happily married people. Break your myths. You can do this by asking yourself four questions (Read Byron Katie’s pioneering book called “Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life” if you really want to dive into more):
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
3. How did you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?
And then turn it around.
If you want a little more insight on this and not really into getting the book Google Martha Beck, Are Your Thoughts Keeping You Stuck? Time for Some Belief Busting.
I also know that this is easier said than done. But I think you need to open more doors for guys to meet you. As Mathew says, “find a way to drop a handkerchief in todays world.”
Jenna, thanks for the helpful references, with the exact titles and authors.
To me, sounds like you describe problematic thinking styles that CBT addresses. (Cognitive behavioral therapy). Along with false thoughts, it covers projecting, mind-reading, assuming the worst, injecting the past or future into the present, etc. Sorry I don’t have a link handy, but a google search will bring up some solid, research-backed info.
And I will def look into the titles you mentioned, thanks again!
Best ~
“Right time in his life for a commitment”? If I know someone doesn’t want a commitment, is a high value guy to his ex and everyone else, and waited for a year, is it still that he doesn’t want a commitment or is it me? I feel like I have a lot of high-value traits and even gave him space, but I was still placed in Box no. 1.
I should clarify that I was the one that stayed with the arrangement for a year. I never met someone so special and unique before and never had feelings like what I had before towards anyone. I never fall for anyone and am usually box no. 3 woman.
Hi,
I use to be extremely confident in school, especially when I worked in Hollister. When I was younger, I was mostly popular for being cute and very cheerful. I was a cheerleader and I loved to socialise and go out to gatherings all the time.
However, since I started to pursue a professional career path I have felt that I have become more distant to guys as I don’t get asked out or receive compliments. I am shy and won’t speak to a guy thinking that he won’t like me or ask me out.
Meanwhile, there was a moment where a guy kept looking at me at work and he caught my eye and I really found him attractive but never spoke to him apart from smiling and he actually approached me and I was in shock and froze. After the second time he didn’t speak to me or said any hellos. I felt like I was to blame but I did hear that he was an arrogant guy but I don’t know why he didn’t speak to me every time we saw each other. I tried to say hello couple of times but I would just smile instead thinking perhaps he doesn’t want me to.
I think humans are far more complex to be able to put them into a category, and by human I mean in general- female and male.
The cruical mistake is to put people into boxes, we may miss a lot of good parts. I guess we see what we want to see and this is a psychological fact. Maybe the category or Box Nr. 1 could be also intelligent and competent as passionate and tender – But when we make a prejudiced opinion (bacause of immaturity and ignorance mostly), and its actually actually tricking us to behave the way we think the Boxtype should be behaved to. The BoxThinking is an illusion and there is a deeper selfreflexive meaning to that way of thinking.