When to Have Sex with Him

When is the right time to sleep with a guy?

This topic often creates a lot of confusion, so I wanted to clarify some of my thoughts on it…

Does sex build connection,
or does a connection make sex even better?

Leave your comment below

Last week we did a video on how important genuine, authentic warmth is in the early stages of meeting someone and dating and I talked about it as being that mid point between being overtly sexual in a way that can hurt your chances and being so cold that someone doesn’t feel like they have a chance. Now we got a comment in response to this from a woman named Paula. I’m going to read her comment right now.

“Matthew, it may not be your intention but you perpetuate the myth that sex should be earned and if a woman is looking for a relationship, she should wait. Men are rather “easy” and (from my experience) they create all the sexual tension very early but somehow you wouldn’t give the same advice to them.” We’ll come back to that in a minute. “Why not aim to change the sex-negative culture that we live in and tell people that it doesn’t matter when they decide to have sex? People have sex for many different reasons. Power dynamics should not be one of them.” Agreed. “If someone wants to stay in your life after the first night, they will. If a guy thinks that having sex with him quickly means that I’m not girlfriend material, great, I don’t want to be with a person who holds this belief and is happy with a double standard. It also makes me sad that someone may think that a sexual interaction WITH THEM makes another person less desirable in the long run. I enjoy your videos. Keep doing great work. It would be great to unpack modern sexual dynamics even more.”

Firstly, thank you Paula for your well-lettered comment. I really enjoyed reading it and I thought this would be an interesting opportunity to shed some light on my views on sex to clarify that position because I feel like it does create some confusion for people.

Now, Paula, I believe you’re referring to this part of the video:

Very often if we have sex before there is a connection that doesn’t feel earned as a level of intimacy. It feels cheap and if it feels cheap it feels disposable.

Now before I go any further, I did also say this in the video, which I think is important.

So now what happens for a lot of people is they get sexual very quickly and then find that it doesn’t go anywhere–which, by the way, is absolutely fine if you’re just having fun being sexual with people.

The reason I play you that is because I first want to stress I don’t care when any gender has sex with somebody else. That doesn’t matter to me. I also want to say before I go any further that, Paula, your instinct that I wouldn’t give the same advice to guys is actually not true. I’ve given guys the exact same advice. If you really like someone don’t be thirsty. Give it a minute. You lose nothing by taking a beat before trying to rush home with this person. But, by trying to rush home with this person, you might actually cheapen this thing that you want to mean something.

Most of us here, I assume, are old enough to know or to have realized that sex doesn’t intrinsically have meaning. Sex can mean something or it can mean nothing. And of course when we do have sex with someone very quickly, if we treat it like it’s the fourth drink of the night, then it will be as important as the fourth drink of the night.

Now it does raise the question, “Does having sex with someone build a connection quicker?” and, in a sense, it can, but it’s a specific kind of connection. We can build a physical connection with that person. We can quickly build chemistry with that person on an intimate level. And especially if the sex is good then you feel like you have something with that person. But that doesn’t mean you have an intellectual connection, it doesn’t mean you have a worldview connection, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have an emotional connection, it doesn’t mean you have a values connection, it just means you have a physical connection.

Now, plenty of relationships can survive for quite some time on just a physical connection but I know many of you will have tried that game and realized ultimately it doesn’t satisfy you. It’s not the person you want to grow old with just because you have a physical connection with them, tempting as it may be.

Paula, I think where we diverge is that you’re making a point about judgment which I absolutely agree with. Should we not do something with someone because we fear their judgment? Should we not have sex cause we’re worried what they’ll think of us the next day? Of course not. Should a guy judge a woman for how quickly she has sex with him? Of course not. But my mind doesn’t go to judgment. It goes to outcome.

The outcome that I believe people who come to me want with someone is to build a real connection, create meaning behind the moments they have with a person, and frankly for the sex they have, or the love making they have, to mean something when it happens. By having sex with someone before there’s an emotional connection we run the risk of this act meaning very little–which, by the way, for those of you who have had sex with someone quickly and you still want to be with them, doesn’t change your being able to be with them. You haven’t ruined it because you’ve had sex with them. It just means that in a sense you’re still at square one.

You can’t assume that you have something more with someone simply because you guys have had sex. It doesn’t work like that. You can still be at level one in terms of having to build a connection with that person.

Now, by the way I don’t want to give you the impression that simply waiting creates connection either. Simply because you allow more time to lapse between meeting someone and having sex with them doesn’t mean that by the time you do it you’ll have all this investment and connection. If someone’s been bread crumbing you and sending you a text a week for the last three months I don’t want you to take all those breadcrumbs and build a giant loaf out of it and be like, “Oh no, we do have something because we’ve been talking for three months so we can have sex now.” You can have sex now, but you won’t necessarily have any more than if you’d done it on night two because you haven’t had real connection in the meantime. There is no substitute for actual connection.

So, time doesn’t guarantee connection either. What time does is it just creates space for connection to occur between two people who are actually investing. That’s it.

So look, have sex when you want. You absolutely shouldn’t fear the judgment of somebody else and people shouldn’t be judging you for how quickly you have sex. But be self aware. Do you want it to mean something? If you do want it to mean something give it a minute because the experience will be greater for the moments you’ve shared together prior to that happening. And if you’ve already done it or if you want to have sex with someone tonight and you want a relationship with them tomorrow, great. But don’t think you’re any further ahead because you had sex with them tonight. You still have to wake up tomorrow morning and do all of the same things to build an actual connection.

Let me know your thoughts.

99 Responses to When to Have Sex with Him

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  1. Violaangella says:

    This all I wanted to hear,so educative and it has helped me ,now let me wait when i meet that Mr Right, thanks alot ,may u be blessed.viola

  2. Gabriella C. says:

    Hi! I have been following you for years now. I think this has been one of the most insightful videos you have posted. Thanks! :)

  3. Eve says:

    So when you had sex with him, how to build an actual connection. For example, we chat everyday about everything but i want to see him, spend more time with him do something nice together. How do I do that? Thanks

  4. Patricia Poisson says:

    Great advice!!! ❤️

  5. Laurie says:

    Always so on point, Matthew! Well articulated :)

  6. Ld says:

    I think you hit the nail on the head. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 1/2 yrs now and we had sex fairly quickly. It was a curiousity thing and the fact that We haven’t had sex with anyone in a really long time. I do feel the connection now than I did when we first started seeing each other and the sex means so much more to both of us than in the beginning. I totally agree with you on working on the intellectual connection, values intimacy and all of that. Intimacy is not just sex, but knowing each other and valuing each other.

  7. Nwachukwu Loretta Vivian says:

    Am so enlighten by your word here. It has given me meaning to my thoughts, I believe it will help me in life and also to to my future ahead of me.

    Thanks so sir.

  8. Stabile says:

    a connection makes sex great

  9. Natalia says:

    Hi Matthew!

    Thank you for another amazing and insightful video! I truly love your content. This topic in particular was something that bothered me for quite some time and I’m glad to have some rationale behind it now.

    My question is about when you said that it isn’t too late if you want to build a relationship with someone even if you prematurely had sex with them. But in your previous video, you mentioned that sex before there is an emotional connection can make the whole situation seem “disposable”…. How can you take this situation and keep the man’s interest so that he at least gives it a chance to get to know the real you and be able to create that connection? Or is it a done deal and the chances are slim that he will stick around to figure that out?

    Thanks so much for your help on this!

  10. CAROL AJIKELLO says:

    This is so awesome video dear Mathew
    Many of my suitors have run away because I tell them to wait
    ..today this video has shaded some light on me

  11. Maggie says:

    One of your most sensible videos. (Of course, all of them are great)
    It’s the connection that matters!

  12. Ashley says:

    Hi Matthew,

    I have been watching your videos for several years, and even though I have a wonderful boyfriend now, I still watch them, because human nature and relationships interest me. This is one of my favorite videos! One very important concept is that someone is still at square one as far as connection is concerned even if they create a strong physical chemistry quickly.

    Thanks for grappling difficult subjects.

  13. Dania says:

    I bought the 7 secret book
    But it wasn’t downloaded!!!!
    It said the site has technical issues but the purchase was done!!!

    • MH Team - Sara says:

      Oh no, Dania! Sara here with Team Matthew Hussey – I’m so sorry this happened to you! Please contact us at support@howtogettheguy.com so we can help you with this as we may need some sensitive details (like the email you used for purchase and such). Looking forward to chatting with you soon!

  14. Kalea says:

    Dear Matt and readers.

    I’m going to post this here as this has something to do with sex and because I feel so lost and sad and my friends don’t know what to recommend besides letting it go.

    It took me 3 years to give myself a closure from that past relationship. And now I’m too heartbroken because of another guy to think with reason, yet I understand that it was me who was silly and I confessed my feelings too quickly.

    Here is the story:

    So, in April of this year I decided to put myself out there, to at least go on a date, so I created a tinder profile and met some guys, nothing special. Then, 3 weeks ago I met a guy who I felt such a strong chemistry with, he’s 35 and I’m 28. He’s never been married, no children, a very career driven person. However, then in the dust date he proposed us to go to his place (I had never done this before). Long story short, we had sex (for me after 3 years) and I was in heaven, and had massive butterflies. He contacted me again, we ended up going to his place and he grabbed me to kiss me and I sudden said “I’m not sure we should do it again, thing is, I really like you”… He didn’t say anything and I felt like I can’t not kiss him and we ended up having sex anyway. This was on Thursday, he knew I’m away Fri-Sun… But today it’s Wednesday, and he hasn’t written. I think I scared him away. And would like to know if there is anything at all that I can do besides waiting.

    And yes, it’s more than lust what I feel for him, I feel like I want to know everything about him, go on trips with him, do things for him, help him, have long conversations, feel him holding me, go out, experience new things…

    I know he does have at the back of his mind that he wants to find someone eventually and have kids, but then again, seems he has been living somewhat a player lifestyle and maybe his parents divorce, when he was young, affected him regarding building relationships. I’m thinking if I should write him at some point and if yes, then what should I write?

    Thanks to whoever read this and if you have thoughts to my questions, then I’m grateful to your opinion ❤️.

    • MH Team - Sara says:

      Hi, Kalea! Sara here with Team Matthew Hussey. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us – I think I may have a perfect solution for you! :)

      One of our most popular programs is called How To Talk To Men. This copy-and-paste simple, done-for-you communication guide puts the power in your hands with easy-to-use phrases that work like magic for every possible situation with men to get the exact results you want – and with zero work on your part! This guide does an incredible job taking the pressure off of not knowing what to say in scenarios like this and why I think it would be a great fit for you. If you want to learn more about this program, here’s the link. Feel free to keep us posted!

  15. Courtney says:

    Thank you for clarifying this.. you say a lot about making the connection, how do I do this if I only see him once or twice a month? We usually just hang at his place too, we don’t go on outings-In the 8 months that I’ve known him, we have only been out about 3 times. He’s very guarded and I know he likes me but keeps me at bay quite often.i think we have a connection, but it’s not one of those that leaves you feeling amazing.

  16. Esther says:

    Tank you Mattew, you have been doing a great job

  17. Kathleen says:

    Matty ,
    Thank you very much I really needed this message I got from your video I enjoyed and well digested and you really answered what I have been battling with in my mind. Reason I finally got into a relationship just in a week he is demanding for or rather to him he calls just romance. Now either of two am not comfortable with because what I needed is the connection first not physical desire that will not just last and that create fear in me course i like him but want to build and if not so am about telling him off!.

    Tnx Katie

  18. Desiree says:

    What’s not being addressed here is “is it smart to have sex with someone you don’t know well?“ The answer is no. You have no idea who this person is unless you’ve spent time with him. Media is filled with horror stories these days of women who have connected with predators. I’ve had a few close calls myself and I thank God I chose not to be physical with them. I love sex. But I want a safe partner. And that comes with taking your time to get to know them.

  19. Victoria Willis says:

    Thank you! I have been struggling with this subject lately. You cleared up the confusion and identified some insecurities that have been arising.

  20. Julie says:

    Being newly single later in life I try to heed the advice I gave my own kids as they were starting to date in a serious way. If you can’t look someone in the eye and have a conversation about sex you’re probably not ready to have it. Great sex usually requires communication and that requires some connection. Sex in a relationship can take a well built connection with someone through the roof. So if you are trying to build a meaningful relationship at least wait long enough to have given it some thought and had a conversation to express what you are feeling and what you are looking for. Having a connection, feeling comfortable and trusting make sex, for me, soooo much better.
    Thanks for the videos. I always learn a lot from you Matthew!

  21. Thanda Cele says:

    Well said
    Thank you for always sharing ever since I follow Matthew im leaning new things daily keep it up the good work

  22. Susan says:

    I really enjoyed that video. Reading some of the comments from women, they had sex on the first night because of impetuous emotions, and I’m assuming they were quite young. The comment from the man about buying a car and eating out was typical of what many men use to rationalize having sex quick into a relationship.. Had nothing to do with feelings or wanting a genuine relationship (ladies, paying attention?). I think some people think that having sex without hesitation is a thing that makes you more modern, more elevated. But being much older (and quite liberated) I can tell you are either giving in to your gut desire to have sex (wouldn’t matter all that much who it was) or you suffer from low self esteem and feel required to go along with it. Using thought and restraint when it comes to sex is a marker of emotional intelligence and maturity. Nothing wrong as you say having sex when you want, but what is the real outcome you want, because I have never known anyone who got the outcome they wanted just because they had sex.

  23. Timara says:

    Hi Mathew,

    Interesting & intriguing worthy video, covering some rather salient points on when to have sex with a guy.

    I know it’s an extremely personal decision with no “one size fits all” option (no pun intended).

    However, for me, I feel it’s the “connection” that is the deciding factor when to choose to sleep with a guy. Even if I’m attracted & want to have sex with a prospective partner, or turned on enough to want sex with him in the moment, I don’t.
    And it is not about delayed gratification, morality, or making him earn it. It’s more significant and important than that.
    For me, sex without a connection feels bad.
    I have learned that no sex is way preferable than bad sex.
    So I choose to have sex only when I connect with someone. I don’t have sex to try build a connection.
    I have connected instantly & had great sex on the first night which led to short but also to lasting relationships, both without regret.
    In essence I’m saying that for me, the connection & when it happens spontaneously ignites my choice to sleep with someone, not having sex to help forge a connection.

  24. Boaten Lois says:

    Thanks Matt. This is very insightful and good to know

  25. Denisa says:

    What you said is so true I have experienced this in my last relationship. Thanks for this advice Matthew

  26. Susan Banda says:

    Thanks Mathew you have just highlighted on a lot of questions that I have been having for the last three years.i have been sleeping with the same person for the past 3 years but yet don’t feel any sense of connection besides the sexual one. I ask myself if it’s because we had sex too early or its just not ment to be. The worst part about this entire thing is not being able to move on with other people.

  27. Ha says:

    I wonder, what do you say about a relationship that starts when there is attraction but not passion…can this work ? can you fall in love with no passion? Does physical warmth and passion influence the passion for the relationship..?

  28. Hadas says:

    OK . That’s official, you’re a genius ! :)
    lovvvve your smart and enjoyable videos. They always put things in place, even if we already know some of the things, you make them so clear and accurate !
    well done and thank you as always

  29. Tammy Holtzclaw says:

    Hi Matt, My LDR with my beau we spent 3 1/2 months bonding via phone. We had an amazing 3 day date. He had us schedule monthly visits (dates) after 3 days together. Both of us rushed sex and recognize it was a bit to fast for both of us but we still speak almost daily with a minimum of hour long conversations. Now he’s scheduling a week long date with me. Do I back off the sex part or continue to have it. We both talk as if its exclusive and long term. He wants to meet my friends and family. We have amazing chemistry. Just realized we rushed it but we still long to be together. He jokes about prenup but says there’s usually a ring of truth in what he jokes about and he says he wants to get married again. I have a huge calming effect on him and we miss each other. He’s not into PDA but amazing when its just us. What do I do? Have sex again or don’t?

  30. Kate says:

    Thanks for this, I really needed this, I have had sex with a guy I just met hoping it would facilitate our connection, only to realize, we re still at stage zero, we re still trying though, but it’s okay.

  31. Susann Connelly says:

    Hi Matthew, how are you? I really enjoyed your video, and it actually came at a perfect time. Normally I would say that a woman should not be shamed about wanting to have sex with someone early on, men do it all the time. I usually can have be intimate with someone because I’m attracted to them or just want to feel the physical closeness. However, I just recently went on one date with a guy and I know he is very attracted to me As we sat in the restaurant I was enjoying his company and began feeling like I wanted more than just sex with him. I remember I took my napkin and wiped off some of his food from his mouth, and I never feel like that right away. Anyhow what I’m trying to say is I know that he wants sex from me, however I feel like I want to wait because I want more than a sexual relationship. I feel that things have cooled down between us. I have shared with him that I enjoyed his company and told him straight out that I need more than sex. That I needed a connection. He hasn’t totally let me go and did say that he understood but I know he still wants it soon. So I de used to take a pause , and not text as much. I don’t want to appear too desperate nor do I want to feel that I have to submit in fear of losing him. So he still reaches out to me and appears to still be interested. We were planning on a second date but he informed me that it all depends on if he has to work on a prior commitment he had. But said definitely the following week. So what I am trying to say is normally I act like a guy meaning having sex with someone early on is okay for me with no shame attached. However now that I find myself attracted to this guy ( as I feel myself wanting a true relationship
    With him) I don’t think sleeping with him right away is smart of me. I feel that it might ruin my chances. So I do agree with all that you said on your video.
    But tell me
    Matt what do you think the rule of thumb is as far as waiting? Yes, I know that it’s different for different people. But what do you think . Three, four,
    five or more dates in??? I’m curious! I enjoy all your videos and advise! Thanks Matt. If you have the time I would love to hear a response from you. Take care!- Susann

  32. Dr.sheetal desai says:

    I realised over a period of time that male and female brain wiring is different….and almost all men want sex on the first date in india…and some ask for it directly so you know that they are not the ones you are looking for but some sugarcoat their desires and pretend that they also are looking for a connection and then manipulate you to have sex in the end….am so tired of this same series of events and conversations…and get so confused coz when next day they disappear-I feel like shit…so now I go with this shield and prejudgements -which I actually dont want to have ….coz those are hurdles in building a genuine connection with genuine people…this video did throw a bit of light on what to do…but still it remains a question -because guys are sweet and attentive and understanding and wise till they have sex…and then they go cold the next day and reappear when they want to have sex again…I still wonder if am meeting all the wrong people..

  33. christina says:

    Connection definitely makes sex better however you can have sex straight away and still have great sex. I feel it’s just where your head is at in the moment. If you just want sex great if your looking for a connection sex quickly will probably just leave you wanting more and unfulfilled

  34. Anja says:

    These guys who judge you for sleeping with them too fast, saying that you are easy and not girlfriend material and so on, after they do have sex with you, they are hypocrites,they are just as easy then, it’s no different, why would nobody call the guy easy?
    I think sex with someone is way better when you have a connection already, however, it does build a deeper existing connection.

    Matthew you are awesome!I have been following you for years:)

  35. Amyy says:

    Hi Matthew!

    I watched the video learning a lot of things but one thing I still don’t get is, how would you define connection?

    In your video you’ve mentioned different kinds of connection – physical, intellectual, value-wise. What type of connection do you think is crucial for a long-term, committed relationship, and in how do you see that connection happening?

    Thanks a lot for your informative videos! I look forward to them every week.

  36. Marly Jimera says:

    Sex per se is an act which happens on the physical level. Personally, if I give myself to it, I would be investing my whole heart in it … with him!

    It should be a spontaneous, authentic and an honest reaction, a mutual desire for two people. It then, is no longer an act of having sex, this becomes an act of making love for a couple who feel a deeper connection more than just the physical attraction. It may happen anytime…on the first date or, the the 10th perhaps…because when it happens…it just happens! If it does, it makes the connection more beautiful… and, yeah … a reason to pursue the other!

    If you do it on the first date even before a real connection is being established, there is a greater chance for the budding relationship to fizzle out. Sex doesn’t define anything, it may be a now or, a never thing… without the feeling!

    There may still be men and women out there who really want for the real thing to happen. They just have to keep on searching and not remain recluse, if they so want love, perhaps with great sex into it!!!

    I am excluding myself here simply because I don’t date… haven’t dated for quite a while! I’m just expressing a thought, !

  37. Anna says:

    Well said!!! excellent!!!

  38. Lisa Bretz says:

    It did make sense to me. If i make love with someone I’m going to have to know he cares & invests his time with me and showing me he appreciates me by his actions. I don’t want to have sex for no reason. I want it to be special & with someone I care about & respect also.

  39. Nadya says:

    Absolutely agreed!!!

  40. Helen says:

    Thank you Matthew for this precious topic about sex. I like to have sex so much but its not so easy to just go for it so quickly with the guy who has or is showing interest in you. I would always give it a second thought cause I place a lot of value on it, I feel having sex with someone carries a lot of meaning, and obviously one would like to get sense out of it. I feel that an authentic connection is the Basis of future intimate relationships. While thinking about then whats next, what about tomorrow can never be overlooked upon. Issues of sex are things of the HEART, and I would rather protect myself from lasting PAIN a kind sex relationship for now only, Even I may feel I would like to have sex, I do not find it so easy, I would rather wait and see.

  41. Kathi says:

    Totally true. I have had sex quickly and found that there was absolutely no connection that I assumed there was b4 having sex. And it fizzled quickly. Then I took the approach and took a step back and said I want to work on a connection first and feel like there is friendship, and respect b4 I have sex. I did this and now I am in a beautiful meaningful relatiinship that I value. Thank you Matthew!

  42. Judy says:

    Matt, I think you are right on. I totally agree in that developing an emotional connection prior to having that physical connection is the better way to handle getting to know someone – if that’s what you truly want. I have fallen into the moment and had sex before a true connection was established, and the relationship(s) fizzle quickly. However, as you alluded, sometimes it’s OK – and living in the moment is good. I am old and totally love to go with the flow. However, if you really think that you want a true connection and that this guy could be the one – control yourself and wait. And, as Matthew also states, let him think he earned it. It will mean much more to both of you.

  43. Sue says:

    You are brilliant Matt and it only keeps getting better and better!

  44. Anonymous says:

    Don’t mind you using this but please change my name!
    So I’ve been talking to a guy, or texting mostly for months now… at least 3 months, all day, every day. We talk on the phone once in a while, mostly on weekends. I’m still going through a divorce (my ex cheated on me is is long gone), but legally I am allowed to date, according to my lawyer. So this guy lives in Austin and I live in Tampa and we’re finally going to see each other in two weeks. I can tell he’s cautious, he never sends kiss emojis, he’s careful about how much he flirts, but will say something small like “pretty” on a picture I send him. Makes me feel like he’s interested. So should I see what happens when we see each other? Does he want something serious? I do! If we have sex will it ruin everything? He wants me to stay with him, I still don’t know if that’s a smart move on my end. I really like him, and I feel like he does too! Help

  45. Still Dancing says:

    Ladies. Listen to an old woman. Don’t surrender your power. If you only want sex with Mr Right and he’s not the guy standing in front of you, then don’t do it. If you want to have sex and you won’t be destroyed if he ghosts, then do what you want, Sometimes a good bleep is a good bleep and if nothing comes from it you move on, but don’t try to kid yourself. If you’re honest, sometimes you KNOW it’s not going to end in anything more but you do it anyway hoping it might, like you hoped for a pony at Christmas. How’d that work out? (Been there too, done that too, wished I hadn’t too. Forgave myself )
    There are a lot of men who don’t know what they want. They have the introspection of a brick. The older they are, widowed, divorced, the more bewildered they are. Their loneliness is achingly crippling, and sex is how they want to soothe themselves, The only thing they can allow themselves to feel. Sometimes women are/do the same
    But unicorns are out there. Don’t lose hope. I found one at 68
    You keep trying, but in the meantime, be honest with yourself. Don’t deny yourself but don’t let some schmuck disrespect or manipulate you. YOU have the power to do what YOU want.
    Decide what that is, what the situation warrants, and be in your power. Never capitulate out of fear or lack, that diminishes your power. And girl, no matter how the thing turns out, you’re gonna need it.

  46. Amy says:

    I agree however, I feel you left a KEY component out. Because of male biological and anthropological programming to sew their seeds and a cultural acceptance that it’s okay for men to have sex outside of committed relationships, men are more apt to want sex to meet a biological need without any interest in any kind of future relationship. Subsequently, women need to be aware that for the man with whom they are about to have sex, the situation could simply be viewed as a means to an end – a vehicle to get what he needs – without any interest in any kind of relationship beyond that moment. For the same reasons, men are also much more apt than women to have sex with little to no attraction to the other person – in which case the women is a receptacle and nothing more. So, the circumstance could even be that it’s not about “starting from square one” the day after sex as you say, but rather, square zero – with no ability to even have a square one. It’s important for women to understand what they want for themselves first – and if it’s something beyond simply sex, they need to weigh the risk when deciding on sex.

    While these days, women are increasingly having sex to meet their biological needs and there is somewhat more of a cultural acceptance of this (although not anywhere near the acceptance that is afforded to men), women are more often seeking a connection beyond the sexual experience and are therefore more susceptible to being hurt if their male partner is not. This is partly why historically, women have been conditioned to wait.

    So, while our society is moving toward a more equitable culturally acceptable view of noncommittal sex when it comes to both genders, the biology can never change. So it behooves women to be aware of the male biological inclination when they are deciding whether or not sex is right for the situation. This doesn’t mean women should judge all men as only wanting sex – most men are also seeking a connection of some sort. And it doesn’t mean women should never have noncommittal sex just because they want it. It just means women generally have more to think about in order to protect their own interests, feelings and emotions.

  47. Oya Gurkaynak says:

    First. Connection can make sex much better

  48. Julie says:

    This is so true & great advice. I’m in exactly that situation right now & waiting til I know that connection is right. Tempting as it is but waiting til it’s right.
    Thanks Matt. Love ur advice.

  49. Janna says:

    Matthew i totally agree in wat u saying! That Unfortunately happen to me..12 years ago i just wanted a nite of passion he wanted more So i gave in it Was JUST A PHYSICAL ATTRACTION! NO LOVE NO CONNECT IMNOW! GOING THRU A DIVORCE AND IM INLOVE WIRJ ANOTHER AMAZIN PERSON! WE SURE HAD THAT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION! THANK YOU

  50. Jesse says:

    I have a question but I rather put in a form of an email. Would you be possible to
    Give me some advice?

  51. Donna says:

    I do not think sexual builds a connection. If any, for a woman, she can become emotionally attached after sex…where the man does not and it can lead to problems.
    Work on connection before mudding the water.

  52. Alessandra Molinari says:

    Hi, Matthew, thank you for your video. The issue of ‘earning’ is true for both genders. In my life I’ve always perceived it like this: if a man wants to sleep with me right after he has met me or the like, I wonder whether he is really meaning ME or whether he just wants to have sex. I think the same is true for many men I know: they might wonder “Does she want to sleep with ME, or it’s just that she wants to have sex and I would be replaceable if another man where there right now?” It all has to do with what making love means to us. It has barely anything to do with gender.

  53. Michelle says:

    Excellent! Seriously, all of it!

  54. Dana Marie says:

    Matt, I agree with you 100%.
    I actually do what is sterotyped a guy thing…I lose interest in a guy who tries to fast or I become physical with quickly..it’s like I lose respect for them….but I feel this will not happen when I find the right guy. We will both take the time for the real connection,
    One thing I have observed in my past serious relationships is the men TRIED, they communicated and showed me off to all their friends and family right away. And I find guys who aren’t even interested in that nor anything about my grown children only want one thing….they are unavailable and just want a booty call.
    Keep doing what you’re doing Matt!

  55. Anna says:

    Great video!

    May I add another perspective. I have just entered back into the dating game- after a long marriage, and find that the opposite would be true…. in that I feel judged for NOT sleeping with the guy.

    I have been called old fashioned, a prude, a tease and many other things…. my challenge is that I look very ‘sexual’ (hourglass figure and pouty lips without actually pouting)…. BECAUSE I am aware of my physicality- I dress down (I cover up and never wear short skirts) and I don’t wear a ton of makeup to accentuate.

    I am struggling to find the balance of being flirtatious without sending tooooo many ‘signals’…. as a person I am very tactile, I know how to smile with my eyes, laugh at jokes and engage a man in conversation, but I am afraid to do it.

    Men have on countless occasions told me that I need to ‘get with the times’….. all I can say is that I don’t feel comfortable bending to their will…. because I need to feel something more cerebral, and not JUST physical. I feel being true to myself is massively important- but lately it seems that it is costing me a potential relationship…. or is it?!
    Hope floats eternal :)

  56. Angie Henman says:

    Thanks for your video! It cements the idea I was thinking about regarding waiting until sex. I’m sick of thinking I’ve got a sort of connection with a guy via messaging, then meet and usually ends up with bad meaningless sex. Then more often than not they disappear, or it was so awful i dont want to see them again. I feel it’s a vicious circle. I miss that connection you were talking about . So now I’m going to build a proper connection first and see if that works! I need to respect myself more so they do… if that makes sense? Wish me luck! Forever hopeful….

  57. Karen Stanley says:

    Ok Matthew so all of that begs another question! What IS, or how do we know, what a real connection looks or feels like?
    Is having your hair ruffled mean theres a connection? Being asked what we want to do for dinner? Having your Plumbing fixed? Your children being asked after? Or do you mean being actually told you mean something.. … mmmmmm hard to know as i havent had a ‘relationship’ other than LIVING with my ex husband for 30 yrs and thats a different kind of connection……. xxx

  58. Liz Parkinson says:

    How is it possible ? I thought we were building a real connection. After doing so many things together for months, then after enjoying sex, only to have him grow cold and want to be “friends”. We had a disagreement ( one) and I was disappointed that he didn’t follow through on plans we had made. He said I was a “drama queen”, and wouldn’t have any more discussion. He said he couldn’t be a “boyfriend” to me.

  59. Victoria says:


    For so long, I have held the misguided belief that sex leads to a relationship. I felt that if I man wanted to go to bed with me, he must have feelings for me on some level. Unfortunately, I now know that is not that case. Watching your video, however, clearly communicated what I have slowly realized through trial and error. It would be nice to get your advice on signs that two individuals are building a connection with each other. Maybe you’ve already posted something about this already. Whatever the case, I would love your feedback.

  60. Jacqueline Orme says:

    Matthew you are absolutely spot on. The dating, the messaging the build up is the foreplay! Why miss out on this, the most intimate stage of a relationship. Sex is no where as intimate, as having a connection and is more intense, lustful and fun. The best sex is always about the connection. Thank you Matthew for articulating this perfectly x

  61. Lisa says:

    I enjoyed watching this video. It’s detailed and honest

  62. Sara says:

    Matt is absolutely right. Most of important stories don’t start from sex and all the male friends that I know say to me they don’t really like women who give them away so quickly.

  63. Stephanie says:

    You are just the best lecture to these lessons. Thanks alot Matt…

  64. Kallie Dee says:

    I totally agree. Time is relative, for me there needs to be a deep emotional connection and this takes as long as it takes. So many factors are in play here, how you first connected, in person/on line. How often have you spoken (I mean actually physical conversation not ‘text chat’), are your values aligned etc. So no I wouldn’t have sex with a guy on a first date if I met him online the day before but I might if we had been chatting on the phone for 3 hours a day, texting and exchanging picturesfor the past month and this was the first opportunity we had of actually meeting in person.

  65. Eleonore Wolske says:

    Hi Matthew

    I have really enjoyed your videos and advice (from Australia). This one I found particularly interesting.

    I am 55…just. And for me, it is the attraction, the intellect, followed by the sexual connection. A person needs to appeal to me on many levels before we can connect sexually, and then it becomes the most wonderful experience.

    It seems that guys on dating sites have their own ideas, and first date is a coffee or meet and greet date, if they like what they see, they try to get the second date in the bedroom, and it is just about getting laid.

    And it is hard to find someone you are attracted to that wants to just be with you and get to know you, on that other level, and to build on a relationship, or build that connection.

    For me, if I find the conversation lacking or shallow, I move on very quickly. But it is certainly very frustrating.

    Sometimes it can happen extremely quickly, and I think it is about the two people involved, and where they are emotionally at a given time.

  66. Michelle Martinez says:

    This resonates SOOOO much (like pretty much everything else Matthew says). I really appreciate the sex-positive + connection-oriented approach, and loved hearing that he would give the same advice to men (it truly does work both ways).

  67. Annabel says:

    Hi Matthew and All,

    Thank you as always for your insightful words :)

    My dilemma is this: After having tried online dating for over a year and pretty much all the various dating sites what I have found for the most part is this: that most men seem to have a sense of entitlement when it comes to sex; as if it’s somehow a “given” because, for example, in my most recent dating experience, I had been seeing someone regularly for about two months. I told him at the outset that I don’t engage in casual sex (but do not judge others who do) and I asked him if he was okay with that and could be patient; he assured me that he could

    And for about two months he was a perfect boyfriend in all ways.

    Except that he began to pressure me about sex and asked me “What’s it going to take? Our 10th wedding anniversary?” I explained to him that we would need to be tested for STD’s as a matter of course and he then replied: “You’re just putting up more obstacles” – to me it didn’t seem that unusual at all.

    My point is that I am really starting to feel that I was born in the wrong century or something as I am very much a Romantic and I feel that, for the most part, men today only seem to want sex.

    There’s nothing inherently wrong with that in and of itself but for a woman who values both love and authenticity, what am I (and others like myself) to do? Because I honestly don’t know.

    This most recent experience, I was made to feel “difficult” and “strange” because according to this man “I’ve never met anyone that had me wait 2 months to have sex” and my response to him “Well, I guess now you have met someone who will make you wait 2 months to have sex” and we effectively ended our relationship.

    I guess I’m just really confused about what men want.

    I never wanted to become a bitter and cynical person because I know there are good decent and kind men out there but for the most part, at least in my experience, I am thinking those good decent and kind men are either “taken” (by marriage or long term commitment) and the men that remain are just not worth my time.

    I would like to ask the other respondents on here (both men and women) how they approach this in modern dating as I am starting to feel that I belong in a Jane Austen novel or something ;)

  68. Nadine says:

    Great video and insight. Always a question as to when is the right time. I think you just know when it’s okay. Thx for your videos. Love them

  69. Nathalie says:

    Dear Matthew,
    What a great topic !
    As a french citizen, sex is part of our conversations all the time in my country.
    I even believe that sex is the cement of 2 persons who are in love, all their life.
    In the seduction process, there is a big part of sensuality, physical connection before even getting to know the other one very well intellectually.
    I feel attracted by a great personnality and a conversation with a man if i can fantasm myself in his arms. No matter how soon we have sex together. If sex is not good, i can not be with him anyway after. Sorry if i seem very pragmatic.
    Thanks again for your great work. I love it all.
    Cheers from south of France:

  70. Michelle Rozzi says:

    Connection makes sex so much better

  71. Allie says:

    This ties in with the “Where are we in a relationship” question. Make a connection with someone first. Find out their values, what they are looking for in a relationship, where they see themselves in the future and what that relationship might look like. Then you really know if this is someone you want in your life for the long term. Once you know those things, then consider having sex and moving forward. I have never asked a guy the relationship question, because I already knew we were looking for the same thing before I slept with him. Those relationships may not have worked out but I never had to question if he was my boyfriend.

  72. Nofyah Shem Tov says:

    Warmth is always important.always. day 1. Day 1000. Day 3789…etc

  73. Brittlyn says:

    I enjoyed this video, it gave me something to really think about. I am currently talking with a guy who I have things in common with. We had recently talked about when we’d both feel comfortable having sex. I told him that I’d prefer to wait until I felt ready and he was understanding of this. We both feel like there should be a mutual connection (more of an emotional one I guess) before we become intimation a physical level.

    One of my biggest fears for sex isn’t finding the emotional connection or finding the right guy, but more or less what he is going to think of me that first time. I am a very self-conscious person, so it’s hard for me to find someone who is going to still be understanding of why I might be self-conscious. It definitely has taken its tolls on me since I was very young.

  74. Blanca Martinez says:

    I am trying to buy tickets to this live event in Houston and am in your bio that I clicked on from instagram….there is nothing for me to buy tickets. Please help me.

  75. Madeline Del Rio says:

    When deciding whether to become physically intimate with someone, the answer really is a personal individual choice as you so eloquently explained. I know myself enough not to do it quickly without knowing the person well enough and truly knowing what the man’s intentions are before doing so. Once I feel a deep connection, feel safe and he has proven to me that this isn’t a fling then I move forward. But this is where I am in my life now. I’m a 45 yo divorcee with 2 daughters so I’m well aware of who I am and what I want and what I won’t tolerate. In my 20s it was completely different. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted so I didn’t care. Everyone is at a certain point in their relationship journey so there isn’t a cookie cutter answer. Ultimately you need to decide what you want at that moment in time.

  76. Amy Chan says:

    Well said.

  77. Libby says:

    Thank you for that insightful video! I am definitely in the camp of feeling judgement from myself, others and the thoughts in my head that my partner is judging me for having sex so quickly. I was raised in an environment that judged me very harshly for having had sex at a young age. In a nut shell, the Bible was set down in front of me and I was told that I was a whore for having sex outside of marriage. (A little judgemental coming from the parent who did the same thing). Now I don’t believe that, but it was very impressed on me at the time.
    Just about every relationship I have had that has failed I do look at that theory that having had sex too early was the demise of the relationship. Your video has reaffirmed me that it has nothing to do with the sex, it has to do with the lack of connection.
    What you have really said that was so meaningful is that I definitely have tried to build a loaf from breadcrumbs. This was an eye opener. I didn’t have words to put that together, but I was settling for those breadcrumbs because that was all the person I was ‘seeing’ or mostly not seeing, just the occasional text, was either only capable or willing to give.
    I now have a phrase to help me with that and see if I am only getting those crumbs or something more solid. I also have to look at myself and ask if I am giving things of substance or am I feeling like I want a relationship so much I am willing to settle for crumbs.
    Lots to consider here, but I really appreciate what you do and the terms you use to give great insight and perspective.
    Keep doing what you do! Great stuff!

  78. Cindy says:

    I believe in connection before sex. I don’t really get why sex should build a connection… even thought I believe it will be enhanced in the longer run. I’m glad you’ve brought this topic since I recently experienced a break up on this a week ago. I wanted to wait for sex and I got judged from it. I valued creating a love story instead of jumping into physical intimacy. As a religious believer, I want to wait for sex before marriage. The guy told me he couldn’t wait that long, like if he felt the need to experience sex before truly being in love with someone. That’s when I realized this guy didn’t love me enough to respect me and build on other parts of the relationship instead of physical. It was in his priority and I couldn’t meet it. Bottom line, I’m happy I’ve went through this experience, but I kinda wished guys in general weren’t that much focused on sex and rather focus on building a real authentic love story… aren’t we all looking for that after all?

  79. Christopher Pyart says:

    My ex had sex with me on the first night which I wasn’t expecting but it was absolutely great and we were together for over five years. She told me that she slept with me because she didn’t want to risk losing me. I guess the thing is if you go to buy a car and they don’t offer all of it to you, do you buy it ? If you go to a restaurant and order a meal but they only present you with part of the order, do you go back ? Maybe laying all your cards on the table at the outset gives you a better chance of winning the game ?

  80. Emoke says:

    I think sex doesn’t necessarily build a connection.
    I think waiting untill you have a connection with someone before having sex with them is worth it, it just makes the whole experience better, more significant and it could potentially strenghten an existing connection.

  81. Jennifer says:

    Well thank you for doing a video on this ! It’s made everything a lot more clear . Some great sound advice.

  82. Avinash says:

    Hi Matthew,
    You give some really good advice on relationships (mostly for women) and in general life. I would like to know your thoughts on relationships for men, coz we struggle too. And try to make videos on In-general life (coz i really love those) as in how to maintain good relationships with friends, family and colleagues.

    Thanks for sharing your wisdom

  83. Pranjal says:

    Matthew Hussey ,

    Thanks for sharing.
    Yes , I agree people should not judge people for wanting to have sex but should be educated that they still have work to do to build the emotional connect.
    Great work

  84. Claire says:

    You know what I hate? I hate that it feels like the power is all in the hands of the guy. That I have to be mindful of my feelings, my words, my actions just so THEY will not feel bored, or that we’re now cheap and they become a ghost and then I have to deal with shitty feelings.

    I would love to have a scanner to scan all the guys and know where they’re at and ignore the ones who aren’t ready or is sill growing up.

    I would love to not care so much or in need of having to know what to say or do to like manipulate them or the situation so he will want me. There’re so many awesome women out there, why are some guys so blind or refusing to see deeper?

  85. Patty says:

    I love Matthew that you broke this down this way
    I’m 54 years old and took a break from dating because of the whole sex stigma. It seemed that everyone I was dating were just to thirsty for the physical connection that it seemed to lead to sex to quickly leaving me feeling like I wasn’t practicing what I preach to my kids about waiting till marriage for sex. However at this late in life dating dynamic men are not wanting to truly commit to marriage or longer relationships because often they are still healing from a bad relationship or two. So for the last four years I have put my focus on spending time with my family and just enjoy being a grandma vs dating building any type of relationship because I know I can’t fix someone else’s brokenness. Just learning to be happy where I’m at. Despite one of my older sons telling me mom your not getting any younger.

  86. Mette says:

    I so much agree, its very well said and was a really great insight

  87. Diana says:

    I would say that a connection before time makes sex better. But, right now there is a guy I like and things went through so quickly that we slept on the day we met. Now, I feel like I was a one night stand although I wish it could have been more.

  88. Jamey says:

    Thank you Matt….the comment about the bread crumbs is exactly what I have been dealing with….and frankly I’m tired of it:(….so no more I’m finding a person that will build the castle with me!! Watch you all the time :)

  89. Jewel says:


    I have truly become more self aware watching your videos! Thank you! You are a wealth of insight to so many topics! Watching this video about sex, I have to ask. I’m more nervous about potential diseases than knowing “when” is the right time after dating someone and trying to get to know them more intimately. Do you have any tips besides the usual “wear protection” that can help a girl protect herself better from the world out there?

  90. Sunelle says:

    Thank you!!!! I finally understand what I have with a guy who I know for 6 yrs, just a physical connection nothing will come of it.

  91. Ci says:

    Absolutely agree!

  92. Zahra says:

    I agree that time doesn’t guarantee connection but only creates space. I’ve recently met a guy (he’s African and he’s younger than me ) but I felt so deep intellectual and physical connection with him. We go out often and I like to have an honest conversation with him, I don’t know if I’ve given him too much my attention, i do feel sexual connection but I don’t want to do it because I don’t want to regret it later and he’s not the type of guy that I see myself growing with.. it’s like when you have mixed feelings for someone. Should I just stop seeing him ?

  93. Donna says:

    Hi Matthew I absolutely love all of your videos you always come from a point of reason that resonates here is my dilemma. I’ve gone out on 5 dates with a gentleman I enjoy his company he is always the perfect gentleman he is never inappropriate he only ever kisses me good night it’s a nice kiss but I’m missing that Passion and chemistry response and I don’t know if hes waiting for me to make a move in that direction or what hes waiting for is this 5 dates too soon to just come right out and say what are you waiting for? Or I don’t even know if I want to move to that point or if I’m ready for it I hope that’s not too confusing.

  94. Foxy says:

    It’s not getting any easier and I can’t wait to see you in London to find out more!

  95. Melissa says:

    I agree

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