When to Have Sex with Him

When is the right time to sleep with a guy?

This topic often creates a lot of confusion, so I wanted to clarify some of my thoughts on it…

Does sex build connection,
or does a connection make sex even better?

Leave your comment below


Last week we did a video on how important genuine, authentic warmth is in the early stages of meeting someone and dating and I talked about it as being that mid point between being overtly sexual in a way that can hurt your chances and being so cold that someone doesn’t feel like they have a chance. Now we got a comment in response to this from a woman named Paula. I’m going to read her comment right now.

“Matthew, it may not be your intention but you perpetuate the myth that sex should be earned and if a woman is looking for a relationship, she should wait. Men are rather “easy” and (from my experience) they create all the sexual tension very early but somehow you wouldn’t give the same advice to them.” We’ll come back to that in a minute. “Why not aim to change the sex-negative culture that we live in and tell people that it doesn’t matter when they decide to have sex? People have sex for many different reasons. Power dynamics should not be one of them.” Agreed. “If someone wants to stay in your life after the first night, they will. If a guy thinks that having sex with him quickly means that I’m not girlfriend material, great, I don’t want to be with a person who holds this belief and is happy with a double standard. It also makes me sad that someone may think that a sexual interaction WITH THEM makes another person less desirable in the long run. I enjoy your videos. Keep doing great work. It would be great to unpack modern sexual dynamics even more.”

Firstly, thank you Paula for your well-lettered comment. I really enjoyed reading it and I thought this would be an interesting opportunity to shed some light on my views on sex to clarify that position because I feel like it does create some confusion for people.

Now, Paula, I believe you’re referring to this part of the video:

Very often if we have sex before there is a connection that doesn’t feel earned as a level of intimacy. It feels cheap and if it feels cheap it feels disposable.

Now before I go any further, I did also say this in the video, which I think is important.

So now what happens for a lot of people is they get sexual very quickly and then find that it doesn’t go anywhere–which, by the way, is absolutely fine if you’re just having fun being sexual with people.

The reason I play you that is because I first want to stress I don’t care when any gender has sex with somebody else. That doesn’t matter to me. I also want to say before I go any further that, Paula, your instinct that I wouldn’t give the same advice to guys is actually not true. I’ve given guys the exact same advice. If you really like someone don’t be thirsty. Give it a minute. You lose nothing by taking a beat before trying to rush home with this person. But, by trying to rush home with this person, you might actually cheapen this thing that you want to mean something.

Most of us here, I assume, are old enough to know or to have realized that sex doesn’t intrinsically have meaning. Sex can mean something or it can mean nothing. And of course when we do have sex with someone very quickly, if we treat it like it’s the fourth drink of the night, then it will be as important as the fourth drink of the night.

Now it does raise the question, “Does having sex with someone build a connection quicker?” and, in a sense, it can, but it’s a specific kind of connection. We can build a physical connection with that person. We can quickly build chemistry with that person on an intimate level. And especially if the sex is good then you feel like you have something with that person. But that doesn’t mean you have an intellectual connection, it doesn’t mean you have a worldview connection, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have an emotional connection, it doesn’t mean you have a values connection, it just means you have a physical connection.

Now, plenty of relationships can survive for quite some time on just a physical connection but I know many of you will have tried that game and realized ultimately it doesn’t satisfy you. It’s not the person you want to grow old with just because you have a physical connection with them, tempting as it may be.

Paula, I think where we diverge is that you’re making a point about judgment which I absolutely agree with. Should we not do something with someone because we fear their judgment? Should we not have sex cause we’re worried what they’ll think of us the next day? Of course not. Should a guy judge a woman for how quickly she has sex with him? Of course not. But my mind doesn’t go to judgment. It goes to outcome.

The outcome that I believe people who come to me want with someone is to build a real connection, create meaning behind the moments they have with a person, and frankly for the sex they have, or the love making they have, to mean something when it happens. By having sex with someone before there’s an emotional connection we run the risk of this act meaning very little–which, by the way, for those of you who have had sex with someone quickly and you still want to be with them, doesn’t change your being able to be with them. You haven’t ruined it because you’ve had sex with them. It just means that in a sense you’re still at square one.

You can’t assume that you have something more with someone simply because you guys have had sex. It doesn’t work like that. You can still be at level one in terms of having to build a connection with that person.

Now, by the way I don’t want to give you the impression that simply waiting creates connection either. Simply because you allow more time to lapse between meeting someone and having sex with them doesn’t mean that by the time you do it you’ll have all this investment and connection. If someone’s been bread crumbing you and sending you a text a week for the last three months I don’t want you to take all those breadcrumbs and build a giant loaf out of it and be like, “Oh no, we do have something because we’ve been talking for three months so we can have sex now.” You can have sex now, but you won’t necessarily have any more than if you’d done it on night two because you haven’t had real connection in the meantime. There is no substitute for actual connection.

So, time doesn’t guarantee connection either. What time does is it just creates space for connection to occur between two people who are actually investing. That’s it.

So look, have sex when you want. You absolutely shouldn’t fear the judgment of somebody else and people shouldn’t be judging you for how quickly you have sex. But be self aware. Do you want it to mean something? If you do want it to mean something give it a minute because the experience will be greater for the moments you’ve shared together prior to that happening. And if you’ve already done it or if you want to have sex with someone tonight and you want a relationship with them tomorrow, great. But don’t think you’re any further ahead because you had sex with them tonight. You still have to wake up tomorrow morning and do all of the same things to build an actual connection.

Let me know your thoughts.

Free Guide

Copy & Paste These
"9 Texts No Man Can Resist"

100 Replies to “When to Have Sex with Him”

  1. Hi Matthew I absolutely love all of your videos you always come from a point of reason that resonates here is my dilemma. I’ve gone out on 5 dates with a gentleman I enjoy his company he is always the perfect gentleman he is never inappropriate he only ever kisses me good night it’s a nice kiss but I’m missing that Passion and chemistry response and I don’t know if hes waiting for me to make a move in that direction or what hes waiting for is this 5 dates too soon to just come right out and say what are you waiting for? Or I don’t even know if I want to move to that point or if I’m ready for it I hope that’s not too confusing.

  2. I agree that time doesn’t guarantee connection but only creates space. I’ve recently met a guy (he’s African and he’s younger than me ) but I felt so deep intellectual and physical connection with him. We go out often and I like to have an honest conversation with him, I don’t know if I’ve given him too much my attention, i do feel sexual connection but I don’t want to do it because I don’t want to regret it later and he’s not the type of guy that I see myself growing with.. it’s like when you have mixed feelings for someone. Should I just stop seeing him ?

  3. Thank you!!!! I finally understand what I have with a guy who I know for 6 yrs, just a physical connection nothing will come of it.

  4. Matthew,

    I have truly become more self aware watching your videos! Thank you! You are a wealth of insight to so many topics! Watching this video about sex, I have to ask. I’m more nervous about potential diseases than knowing “when” is the right time after dating someone and trying to get to know them more intimately. Do you have any tips besides the usual “wear protection” that can help a girl protect herself better from the world out there?

  5. Thank you Matt….the comment about the bread crumbs is exactly what I have been dealing with….and frankly I’m tired of it:(….so no more I’m finding a person that will build the castle with me!! Watch you all the time :)

  6. I would say that a connection before time makes sex better. But, right now there is a guy I like and things went through so quickly that we slept on the day we met. Now, I feel like I was a one night stand although I wish it could have been more.

  7. I love Matthew that you broke this down this way
    I’m 54 years old and took a break from dating because of the whole sex stigma. It seemed that everyone I was dating were just to thirsty for the physical connection that it seemed to lead to sex to quickly leaving me feeling like I wasn’t practicing what I preach to my kids about waiting till marriage for sex. However at this late in life dating dynamic men are not wanting to truly commit to marriage or longer relationships because often they are still healing from a bad relationship or two. So for the last four years I have put my focus on spending time with my family and just enjoy being a grandma vs dating building any type of relationship because I know I can’t fix someone else’s brokenness. Just learning to be happy where I’m at. Despite one of my older sons telling me mom your not getting any younger.

  8. You know what I hate? I hate that it feels like the power is all in the hands of the guy. That I have to be mindful of my feelings, my words, my actions just so THEY will not feel bored, or that we’re now cheap and they become a ghost and then I have to deal with shitty feelings.

    I would love to have a scanner to scan all the guys and know where they’re at and ignore the ones who aren’t ready or is sill growing up.

    I would love to not care so much or in need of having to know what to say or do to like manipulate them or the situation so he will want me. There’re so many awesome women out there, why are some guys so blind or refusing to see deeper?

  9. Matthew Hussey ,

    Thanks for sharing.
    Yes , I agree people should not judge people for wanting to have sex but should be educated that they still have work to do to build the emotional connect.
    Great work

  10. Hi Matthew,
    You give some really good advice on relationships (mostly for women) and in general life. I would like to know your thoughts on relationships for men, coz we struggle too. And try to make videos on In-general life (coz i really love those) as in how to maintain good relationships with friends, family and colleagues.

    Thanks for sharing your wisdom

  11. Well thank you for doing a video on this ! It’s made everything a lot more clear . Some great sound advice.

  12. I think sex doesn’t necessarily build a connection.
    I think waiting untill you have a connection with someone before having sex with them is worth it, it just makes the whole experience better, more significant and it could potentially strenghten an existing connection.

  13. My ex had sex with me on the first night which I wasn’t expecting but it was absolutely great and we were together for over five years. She told me that she slept with me because she didn’t want to risk losing me. I guess the thing is if you go to buy a car and they don’t offer all of it to you, do you buy it ? If you go to a restaurant and order a meal but they only present you with part of the order, do you go back ? Maybe laying all your cards on the table at the outset gives you a better chance of winning the game ?

  14. I believe in connection before sex. I don’t really get why sex should build a connection… even thought I believe it will be enhanced in the longer run. I’m glad you’ve brought this topic since I recently experienced a break up on this a week ago. I wanted to wait for sex and I got judged from it. I valued creating a love story instead of jumping into physical intimacy. As a religious believer, I want to wait for sex before marriage. The guy told me he couldn’t wait that long, like if he felt the need to experience sex before truly being in love with someone. That’s when I realized this guy didn’t love me enough to respect me and build on other parts of the relationship instead of physical. It was in his priority and I couldn’t meet it. Bottom line, I’m happy I’ve went through this experience, but I kinda wished guys in general weren’t that much focused on sex and rather focus on building a real authentic love story… aren’t we all looking for that after all?

  15. Thank you for that insightful video! I am definitely in the camp of feeling judgement from myself, others and the thoughts in my head that my partner is judging me for having sex so quickly. I was raised in an environment that judged me very harshly for having had sex at a young age. In a nut shell, the Bible was set down in front of me and I was told that I was a whore for having sex outside of marriage. (A little judgemental coming from the parent who did the same thing). Now I don’t believe that, but it was very impressed on me at the time.
    Just about every relationship I have had that has failed I do look at that theory that having had sex too early was the demise of the relationship. Your video has reaffirmed me that it has nothing to do with the sex, it has to do with the lack of connection.
    What you have really said that was so meaningful is that I definitely have tried to build a loaf from breadcrumbs. This was an eye opener. I didn’t have words to put that together, but I was settling for those breadcrumbs because that was all the person I was ‘seeing’ or mostly not seeing, just the occasional text, was either only capable or willing to give.
    I now have a phrase to help me with that and see if I am only getting those crumbs or something more solid. I also have to look at myself and ask if I am giving things of substance or am I feeling like I want a relationship so much I am willing to settle for crumbs.
    Lots to consider here, but I really appreciate what you do and the terms you use to give great insight and perspective.
    Keep doing what you do! Great stuff!

1 2 3 5

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

All-Time POPULAR Posts