When You Should STOP GIVING SO MUCH to a Relationship
I’m in my local coffee shop, minding my own business—my business in this case is ordering an oat milk flat white (just in case we ever go to coffee and you want to know what my order is)—and I get talking to a woman who tells me she’s mad at me.
She knows who I am, she’s a fan, she even said my program worked for her, and yet she told me she was mad at me.
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So I was in a coffee shop the other day, and someone comes over and says, “Matthew, at my table is a huge fan of yours. She’s got your programs. Will you please come over and say hi?”
So I come over to their table, I say hi and this person says, “Thank you so much. I got your Attraction to Commitment program and it absolutely works. What you do works.” She said, “But if I’m honest, I’m actually a little mad at you.”
And I said, “Why are you mad?”
She said, “Because I feel like I spent so much time trying to bring my best, trying to be my most attractive self to this person, that I feel like I kind of lost myself and just ended up giving too much to the relationship.”
When I heard that, at first I was confused. Because I spent so much of this program that she was referring to saying things like this:
Remaining a challenge is about maintaining the other important parts of your life. And I want you to think about what those things are. Those things that make you, you. They’re very, very important because when someone meets you, that’s the shit that they get attracted to in the first place, is the rounded multi-dimensional person that you are.
But I understand. There is a kind of selective hearing that happens when we really like someone, when we’re really into someone, our mind goes to, “How do I keep them? How do I impress them? How do I be my most attractive self to this person?” And of course I do tell people that in my programs, here’s how to bring your best to the table.
And I will always stand by that, by the way. I can never relate to people in my comment section online when someone says, “Well, why do you need to do all of this for a person? Why do you need to go out of your way to be your most attractive self? Why can’t you just be who you are?” And I always think, why are the two mutually exclusive? Why can’t you be who you are, but also focus on bringing your best to a relationship?
I want to do that. I want to be irreplaceable in my life. And in every one of my relationships, I want to bring so much value to that relationship, that it’s obvious to someone why they would want to continue that relationship with me, whether it’s in business, in my love life, in my friendships, my family.
I’m all about bringing value. But the selective hearing that happens sometimes when someone listens to one of my programs is that they hear all the parts that they can do to be impressive, but they forget about the parts or they ignore the parts where I say, “By the way, pay very close attention to whether this person is bringing you the same amount of value.”
Mutual investment, and I’ve been saying this for years now, you don’t invest in someone based on how much you like them. You invest in them based on how much they invest in you.
Pay very close attention to whether they are investing the same amount of time and energy in you. Because although I talk about being irreplaceable, although I talk about everything you should put in, that energy, that time, that value you should put in, should be expensive. It should come at a high cost. And the cost is, I’m willing to give you the world as long as you meet me there. That’s the cost.
And if you ignore the fact that someone isn’t meeting you there, now you’re in trouble. And why does someone ignore the fact that this person isn’t meeting them there? Because they’re blinded by how much they like or love the person. They’re blinded by how impressive or wonderful they think that person is. And they forget that it’s not enough in a relationship to be impressed by the person you’re with. You also have to be impressed by the relationship.
It’s not enough to think they’re great, the relationship itself has to provide you with value, because if you’re with someone who’s massively impressive, but the relationship itself does not bring you value, does not bring you joy, then you’re in a world of suffering and pain, no matter how wonderful the person you’re with is. And your reality isn’t determined by how impressive they are, but how beautiful the ecosystem of the relationship is. That’s what’s going to determine your emotional reality and your emotional reality is going to determine your happiness.
So ask, not just “are they impressive?”, but “is the relationship and what I get from the relationship impressive? Because that’s the only way I’m going to bring all these things that Matthew Hussey says to bring to the table to the table.” And if you wake up every morning and ask yourself, “Are my needs being met in this relationship?” and the answer is no too many days or weeks or months in a row, you know something has to change. If you want to continue this journey with me, I actually am giving you today a free module from the Attraction to Commitment program that this amazing woman was talking about. So you can go and watch that for free. You just need to put your email address in, sign up to the mailing list and you could be watching that entire training. All right, check it out. It’s this link, and I’ll see you there.