Who Pays on a First Date? (LIVE Clip from My Seminar)

You’re on a first date with a guy.

You just finished your drinks and the waiter hands you the check.

He’s about to pay. Should you offer to cover your half of the bill? Or just smile and say thank you when the guy puts his credit card on the table?

I’m not going to lie, in this week’s blog video, I get PRETTY controversial. But I think this REALLY matters, so I hope you’ll keep an open mind when you watch this.

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95 Responses to Who Pays on a First Date? (LIVE Clip from My Seminar)

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  1. Linda says:

    The guy I am with suddenly stop snogging me I ask for a kiss and he given me his cheek he said no your not kissing me on the lips but still like sex with me but no kisses.I asked him in joking manner dose my breath stink he said no. I asked the question and he said please don’t start and when he kiss me goodbye he gave a kiss little song. I just said that’s better.

  2. Yulia says:

    Here is my way:
    1 case: He takes u out for a date, he invites you,he chooses a place himself without you being involved in choice, its kinda surprise- I let him pay with appreciation and tell him it wouldnt be so easy for me to compete with him in choosing a place, but i will try my best ;)
    2 case: Both of you choosing where to go, you are involved in choice, your opinion is matter – you paying for your order :)

  3. Janise says:

    You are absolutely wrong Matthew. Men should always pay and woman can show appreication with a smaller gesture every once in awhile.
    Men want a hot sexy woman but that costs her money. Hair Stylist, makeup, sexy clothes and undergarments are very expensive, shoes, nails, waxing etc… If you want a sloppy woman in crappy sweatpants and messy hair, looking like she doesn’t care about herself then us woman will gladly pay half.

    But paying our half is not romantic. Equal/equal is not romantic. It is roommate situation. Guys never treat your women like your best friend. Best friends don’t fuck. Guys treat your woman like a queen and she will treat you like a king. Women who are well taken care of by their men will do anything for them in bed. Blow jobs aren’t free. Men have to pay for them one way or another.
    Ladies don’t buy Matthews advice on “paying” if you want to be with a real man. Every guy I have dated always payed my way for everything and even just my guy friends, being real gentlemen, always pay my way when we do friend things because they are real men. Men take care of women. If a guy doesn’t have his shit together enough to take care of you move on. You should make him want to be a better man. A man would never dream of not paying for his dream girl. If a man insists you pay once in awhile then you are not his dream girl and what woman wants to be the girl some guy settles for or doesn’t treat like a queen. I have many married friends who never once paid for anything and their men are glad to do it. Always show appreciation for what a man does for you and he will be happy with that in return. A man feels more like a man when he is able to make a woman happy. Don’t just say Thank You in a nonchalant way but say it with enthusiasm and sincerity. If a man sees how excited you get for the little things he does for you, he will want to keep doing them for that reward of causing such a reaction in you. Trust me. Matthew is totally wrong on this one. Cheap men want women to attempt to pay. Real men know it is implied he is taking care of the bill. If a man wants a Hot woman he has to pay because she pays a lot to stay hot looking for him.

  4. Michelle says:

    I completely agree with this when I first started dating my hisband now in high school he had a job and I didn’t so I would ask my dad for money so that if I wanted anything I wouldn’t have to “make” him pay… although no matter what he would always pay… I never told my dad he would pay all of it though and I saved to get him a his favorite knife for Christmas that he couldn’t afford because we would constantly go out to the movies and dinner… I love him so much and I know that this is because he has always been my best friend… I never put him in the oh he’s my boyfriend so I should treat him different than any other person or act different because of who he is… and he has always been the same with me… being a friend I first is the most important thing in a relationship :)

  5. Louise says:

    Hi, I have always been against letting them pay for everything, it makes me wonder what do they expect in return, then?

    I have a situation, I would really appreciate it if someone gave me some advice.

    There is a guy I met at a movie go-out (among others), where he striked me as someone not interested even in having a conversation with me. Then in another occasion, again a movie go-out, we had a single funny interaction, perhaps because my brother was also there and maybe they are buddies. And then later he asked me out, once again to watch a movie, this time just the two of us. I agreed, but just in case he was romantically interested (I am not) I did not dressed up or made my hair. Anyway I don’t usually put much effort in my appearance he he but I was conscious of not sending a wrong message. Unfortunately, I was not able to pay with my debit card, the system had trouble precisely with my account type. Damn it was a VIP room and I asked for antibacterial gel, extra butter, and huge popcorn size. We agreed next time was my turn paying. So time later I asked him out and he said he couldn’t. I wonder if he is not interested in going out because he realized I wasn’t attracted to him. Should I insist or let it be? Thanks in advance

  6. Alyssa says:

    I have to agree with this. I went on a first date last week and the gentleman paid but before he did, I offered to pay my portion, he said he had it and I thanked him. We grabbed a second drink after and when the bill came, I paid. I said since he got the first, I would get the second. He got the bigger bill of the evening and I thought that was fair. I always appreciate a gentleman who pays and wants to the first date, it is noted and appreciated. However, I will always offer to help.

  7. Hales says:

    I go by the standard that was set by my parents who have been in a loving relationship for over 35 years.

    I always expect a guy to pay on the first date. After all, he did ask me out, he should pay. I went on one date where the guy made us pay 50/50 and I was really turned off. Right off the bat it felt like a friendship because he put no effort in.

    At the end of the first date, unless the guy pays really quickly, I always offer to pay something. I haven’t had a problem. He usually smiles and says “I’ve got it”, and I always get asked out again. I agree with Matthew in that its all in the gesture-you usually don’t pay but they appreciate you asking. It makes them feel valued and not used. Once I’m in a relationship, the guy will pay most of the time but I will always offer. And if I don’t get it that time I offer to buy coffee’s or to get the next one. My parents have always operated this way, even though my dad makes way more than my mom and usually always pays, she still offers. And they have an equal relationship. They will take turns. That’s how a healthy relationship should be, in my opinion.

    But I do feel that the man should be paying the first, second, and maybe third time because he is trying to impress her and show her she is valued. After that, equality is best.

  8. Mary says:

    Of course I understand months of dating, that’s ridiculous! But I live in the south, and I’ve actually learned the hard way to not offer to pay. I offered on a few dates and it was so awkward.. It felt like the guys were getting offended. I asked my guy friends later and they basically said, “Mary, we all know that you are a strong independent woman ;), but if a guy asks you out or offers to pay, the best thing you can do is just let him and say thank you. Otherwise he’ll think you don’t like him as more than just a friend, and you’ll hurt his manhood.”
    But you said here that if a girl didn’t at least offer you would be instantly turned off? I guess all the guys I’ve dated from other places think I’m some kind of gold digger

  9. Tessa says:

    Matt, I don’t think you’re realistically taking into consideration what the woman on average is paying for to show up to a date. Firstly, on the whole men make more than women and have fewer expenses. When it comes to dating it’s my experience that most men will not incur much of any cost in preparation for the date. Maybe a $25 haircut? Unless he’s a major pretty boy/fashionista type his nice clothes will probably last him a decade or more and cost the same as a woman’s nice clothes which are expected to be replaced at minimum every 3 years, and that’s stretching it.

    Women on average will spend a huge amount of money as well as time just to maintain or cultivate the physical aspects of looking dateable. From shoes, clothing, jewelry, hair appointments, mani/pedi, gym membership and the list goes on depending on how serious you are about looking good, and how good.

    Let’s just be realistic: in the beginning especially looking good is largely what we’re expected to bring to the table. And yes, times have changed; looking good now is a lot more work and money than it was in the 50’s with our hardcore consumerist mentality and the borage of images and messages about what we should look like to be considered attractive. And, as may have already pointed out, men on the whole will be making more money than us ladies do. We already have an unfair setup before the date has started.

    For men, not much at all has changed, and if anything the standards are lower. You can show up in a basic dress shirt, slacks and a halfway decent pair of shoes (all of which you’ve had for 15 years) and be perceived as looking fine, and meanwhile we may have spent $500 or more between getting hair and nails done, maybe a new wardrobe item, and some cosmetics.

    I think it’s also important to take into consideration what you’re looking for, and what he’s looking for. Does he want a tomboy or a runway model? Do you want a man who’s a provider with more traditional sex roles or a more modern approach where everything is supposed to be 50/50 (though that pretty much never happens and the women end up working at work and then doing most of the household stuff to boot)?

    Personally, I don’t want to be equals in the way people see it now. I want to be complementary; no less, no more than him but different. I think this whole “we’re the same” thing has seriously gone too far and resulted in a mutual neutering of the sexes, where no one feels empowered to be either masculine nor feminine. I want a MAN. And I want to be a WOMAN. This to me means there are differences, and that’s okay. We’re hormonally/biologically wired very differently and to expect men to be more like women and vice-versa is like being pissed that your dog isn’t more like a cat.

    • Drake says:

      Really Now Tessa?
      This is what Matthew Hussey meant exactly!!! The Double Standards is because of this!
      Did you not even listen to what he said?

      You say that women on average spend a lot? Then maybe they should stop spending so much then!

      Money… Do you think that money drops from the sky?
      Let’s say that a man is earning more then you. And he offers to pay for the meal/dates/etc. but you are already several months into dating. What do you think that you should do?

      Continuously let him pay? Or offer to at least be bothered to pay for certain stuff?
      Obviously to try and contribute right?
      And what do you expect men to do for you everyday? Spoon feed you? Sorry to make this sound sour but erm..

      Your way of thinking is still making it seems like he is the one paying for your time. And that means that your time is more worth it then the man’s time. See? This is what Double Standard is!

      Why do you think so many people what Equality but the number of people that wants it… Are not showing it!?

    • Drake says:

      And to end it off.. With that last paragraphs of yours at the end.

      So you are saying that… You want to be the housewife of the relationship after you get married with your own man?

      I want you to scroll down and read Stephanie’s Point of View.

      And good day to you!

  10. Anastasia says:

    Of course you cant expect the guy to always pay!
    I always take money out to pay for my own stuff. If he offers to pay for me, great. I like men who want to take care of me. Though, I will argue for a moment like “no, you dont have to..” and then thank him. Thats both for friends and romantic interests. And if i really like this guy, I’ll flirt a bit like, “so i guess now i owe you a drink ;)” if he doesnt offer to pay, still fine. Maybe he cant afford it.
    So far it has proved to work and I’m not changing this strategy.

    Now, if he instists to take me to an expensive place even after ive noted that i cant afford it and then doesnt offer to pay, that guy is an ass and not worth my time bc he didnt listen to me.:p

  11. Brittaney Rigby says:

    Hello Matthew Hussey, my question has nothing to do with the video, it actually has to do with something from the Master Class video.

    I just recently graduated and it was grad night, I was in a hypnotist show with my crush and afterwords before everyone had to go I approached him. I told him that since we would never see each other again and before I lost my courage to tell him that I had a crush on him and that he made me so mad that I want to kiss him.

    He kissed me, we exchanged digits. Next thing I know, he’s texting me about how he isn’t looking for a relationship. I told him that’s understandable, I even used a variation of the script to say when a guy isn’t sure. He told me he would think about taking a chance and that maybe we’d would have a clearer head the next day. Next day comes, I text him that I didn’t really expect anything to come from it(even though I really wanted it to) and how I want someone who wants me as much as I want that person and how he should take some time to himself.

    I wanted to put the ball in his court and see what he would do. He did nothing, no response. I know my problem is that I’m too fixated on him and that there are way more guys out there who would adore me as much as I would adore them, but emotions don’t account for logic and it hurts to say the least.

    Back to the Master Class video, you talked about how there is strength in being honest and vulnerable and one of the ways is saying, “hey, I was looking forward to you texting back and I didn’t get anything back. Let’s talk another day.” I want to say that, but on the same token, I told him that I didn’t expect anything and he told me that he’s making no promises to get my hopes up.

    I just, I don’t know. I just graduated and I’m young with access to information that can bring gods to their knees. I guess I just need to rant about it and move on. As much as I’d like to say that it’s complicated, it’s not. It’s done and over before anything could even happen.

    Anyways, thank you so much Matt (and Jameson), you’ve really helped me out with my life and not even with the dating aspect of it all, just helping me become a nice human being and grow into an amazing woman. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my back pocket lol

    • Brittaney Rigby says:

      I just watched the ghosted video and it put things into perspective. I had tunnel vision and I was fixated too much on getting “the one.”

      I am a goddess and only a mortal can be my champion. I refuse to have a ghost as my champion because that goes against my new standard. I don’t know if I’m in a different stage of denial or if I actually feel better, but like you so eloquently put it, I ain’t afraid of no ghost (much less attracted to one).

      Again, thank you! I don’t know what else to say to express how grateful I am.

    • Janise says:

      You keep telling this guy what to do. You told him to take time off.. you told him to lets talk another time etc… You are taking the male lead with this guy and he is pushing you away. Men are to share their feeling first. WHen a woman tells a man she likes him first, you give him nothing to chase you for. He already has you. When you stay grounded as a woman you will attract real men and repel little boys. What men do or don’t do will tell you who you are attracting.

  12. Stephanie says:

    It depends on what dynamic you seek in a relationship. Traditionally on a first date, the man will pay. I do like it when a man pays, because I feel looked after and I know the man feels empowered. But that is not the dynamic I truly desire in a long term relationship. I am looking for a partner. So, on that first date, if my offer to contribute or leave the tip gets declined I thank the man and tell him I will get the next one. That tells him there will be a next time. After that it’s give and take all the way. A man who can’t handle that has to be the primary in the relationship, which may work for some. A woman who is unwilling to take responsibility will always find herself in an inferior position.

  13. Gie says:

    Well I think it’s really proper for a guy to pay on the First Date especially if he’s the one who really insisted in asking you out. But for the second and succeeding dates, the girl should definitely offer to pay other half or full.. and it all depends on a guy now if he’s going to accept it or not..

    So am I right Matthew? Because based on your video, it didn’t really tackle on who’s going to pay on the first date but rather the question was about who’s going to pay after 4-5 months of dating in which I agree with your answer that it should an equal pay… But how about if a guy asked you on a first date? Should a girl offer to pay especially if it’s the guy who insisted on asking you out in the first place? Please enlighten me…

  14. Angelina says:

    Ciao Matthew

    You know Matthew, usually I always think ” Again, I must agree with Matthew” but this time darling not so much.

    On dates I will always “offer” to pay but secretly hope that offer will be rejected but ONLY with guys I like.
    If I pay for dinner, especially if it’s the very first dinner out with a potentially romantic partner, it’s because I want to leave as soon as possible. Not that I can’t leave if someone else pays, but I don’t want to let him invest in me knowing for sure that I’m not interested.

    I was never in it for the free meal I personally have no economical problems to pay for myself, but I am interested in being treated like I believe I deserve it ( and I’m NOT speaking about luxury or quantity but quality) but ONLY from the man I’m interested in. Why you might ask? Why do you deserve anything? Because I said so. And if I don’t say so then who will….

    Matthew, you speak about “being equal”. I DON’T want to be equal to men. I as a woman am thirsty to the old fashioned gallant manners that doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t need anything from a man, I’ve achieved everything on my own.

    Maybe if I’d been the one doing the pursuing I would’ve taken men out for dinner and paid for it, and also open the door for him and so on.. Perhaps there lies the line? Whoever does the picking up should also pick up the check? I’m not sure there can be any overarching rules besides the ones we make for ourselves, but I am sure that once you’ve made them, you should stick to them.

    Matthew, be honest, are you a “I have long pockets and short arms” kind of guy? ;-)

  15. Sandra Salas says:

    I never expect anyone to pay for me on a date. This way, I get to order whatever I want without getting the guy broke. However, many men get offended when I offer to pay. So I usually insist on paying the tip… or offer to buy him coffee the next time we go out. This makes them smile and it guarantees me a second date.

    I had one date where the guy pretended to have forgotten his wallet after enjoying steak and wine. That time, I told him, get a cab, go get his wallet, I will wait for him. He said that was humiliating and refused. I paid for my meal and left the place. I’ve never seen him again.

  16. Platinum says:

    I was always taught to pay for myself. I would never expect a guy to cover my date like that. I wonder where that expectation came from.

  17. Zazil says:

    We all deserve to be treated as equals :)

  18. Zazil says:

    ok…treat them as if they were your best friend…I think I always do that..but…how can I difference the treatment I give to him to one of my friends? I don’t want him to think I just want to be friends.

  19. Tone Irene Andersen says:

    Hi Matt.

    I was never asked on a date and i don’t think i would have the strength to say yes to a date, but i get your point in this video, and i also think women should stop thinking the guy will pay its like noone cares how much a guy have put out there to earn his money, most women think men are machines and work without any struggles but thats not the case. A guys money is just as valueable as womens money are, equal effort have been put in to gain those funds.

    A date can be so much more than use money. Imagine finding a spot by a lake, on a blanket. No need for fancy resturants when the country itself provides the most romantic setting there is in life.

  20. Dominika says:

    wow, that would be imposible for me to make my guy pay for me because he`s my boyfriend… :O actually I feel uncomfortable when he refuses me to pay even my half of the bill each time we`re out or we`re making grocery shopping for cooking together…

  21. LJH says:

    The idea that a man should expect sex by paying for dinner is insane. Roll it back.

  22. Nell says:


    That was a hurtful video. I totally, totally disagree with you here. And I can even say that this type of attitude (which is so widespread in men nowdays) is certainly one of the reasons why many successful women remain single.

    I believe that you can tell that a man has come of age when he stops monetizing relationships and starts appreciating companionship. And we, sucessful women, are only interested in men who have come of age, as they are the only men with which we can create a truly and long lasting loving relationship. When I say successful women, I mean women who have managed to find their way to unconditional self love in spite of all the negative and belittling image of ourself that society throws at us daily.

    Successful women understand that they, and their sexuality, is no commercial product. It is given freely, out of genuine love, and is unrelated to the number of date the man may or may not have paid for. This is why we truly feel comfortable only in the company of those men who have stopped counting their money when it comes to relating to us. Because when they do, we also feel “used” and more importantly, we feel disrespected because we feel they are trying to make a purchase and this does not show a good heart. That’s why, at this point, the successful woman feels like withdrawing…

    At this point I would like to remind men with little means that they can create really good, interesting and romantic dates that cost little money. Just use your witts…

    When dating, I don’t think it is proper to take money from a woman until she insists that she “definitely wants to pay” for this date. When it happens, let her. Then you know that you are genuinely winning her heart and soul…

    I don’t want to give anybody a course in economics, but you probably know that women are more likely to be tight with money than men. Let alone when they are single mothers. And in spite of that, I know no woman who doesn’t spend money to keep up her appearance. Anyway, not doing at least the minimum in this field would have us dismissed as anti social weird animals… But most of us do more than the minimum just out of respect for that wonderful man that we’ll meet one day whom we want to feel really proud when we will be at his arm… That’s why we have monthly hairdresser, beautycian and dress bills higher than you do. So, when we arrive at the restaurant table and you ask us to go dutch because, admit it, your were unimpressed by us, maybe we should pull out our beauty bill and ask you to pay half? But we don’t. We accept our loss as part of the dating game, while you try to limit yours at our expense…It doesn’t show a fair heart.

    You say a woman should treat a man she’s dating as she treats her best friend. Well, no! A date, even though you’ve been dating for weeks or months, isn’t a best friend. You are in the process of discovering each other, you don’t know each other well. So please, ladies, don’t entrust the keys of your appartment to your date as you do your best friend!!! LOL! More seriously, we, as successful women, want to be treated by a man with the same level of love and appreciation that we give ourselves. And it is my belief that a man who has come of age wants the same thing : love and appreciation for who he is. But I think that here, there is a little tricky element that I feel is almost always overlooked. Man and woman are not the same, and, here, I’m afraid man needs to give first.

    As I said, man and woman are not the same. Man tends to be more of a “visual animal” when we tend to be more “feel animals”. That means, when you see us walk across the aisle in the supermarket you can feel enough interest in us to walk to us and ask for a date. The opposite is let true. Most women’s heart open from spending time with you and getting to know you. And it’s really hard to warm up to somebody who does not treat you with the respect you feel you deserve. Successful women don’t.

    I was born and raised in a small town in France. As a child, my favorite stories were those of Cinderella, Snow White and Peau d’Ane (don’t know the English translation for this fairytale). I had a head full of dreams and I knew for sure that some Prince charming would see me one day and feel so much love in his heart that bla bla bla… (you all know the story!)

    As a teenager, I became the prettiest girl around (don’t ask me how that happened) and boys around me were so attentive and sweet and well mannered that it reinforced my fairytale beliefs (I didn’t know that my 2 older brothers were carefully screening the boys who could talk to me and also discouraging bad behaviour). It’s only when I turned 20 that I left home to study abroad that I was faced with the reality of all the bad (sometimes appalling) behaviours that prevail in the dating place. When you listen to what the average woman went through in dating your heart sinks. Women reading this, you all know. Besides, 90% of the women I know are in mariages or relationships that I would rate below 5, where 1 is worst and 10 is best. Women in our societies are treated so badly! We are in the workplace, we work very hard, we are paid less, we are often denied advancement, we are being called all sorts of names for “stealing men’s place”, if we think of retiring from the workplace be are called useless, or worse kept women even prostitutes, those who nevertheless do quit face the risk of becoming single mothers with no income. Then motherhood : 9 months of disconfort and finally intense pain that we embrass without ever complaining. Then we get back home : the cleaning, the cooking, the needs of the kids, the child that falls ill. And when, in the middle of all this, the man who cares for you calls to suggest “Let’s dine out tonight”, you’re tired but you make yourself pretty, this is going to be just pleasure time, the man ask that you pay the bill or he’ll feel “used”.

    I think this is why most women nowdays belong to either of these 2 categories, sometimes both : the woman behind the wall and the manless woman.

    The Manless Woman, uppon realising that she had too much on her plate, decided to cut off what she felt was less necessary : the Man. As a matter of fact, she can’t give up the job (need to pay a rent), can’t give up work around the house, would never give up children if she has any. The Woman Behing the Wall is still doing the dating/Relationship because she feels she needs the companionship, or she wants a family, so she copes by numbing some of her feelings and she bears situations.

    I’m the Manless Woman, although I belong to both categories, really. When I realised that I was going to have soooo little of my needs met through a “modern Relationship”, I hapilly decided to provide myself with the life I wanted. Starting with self love, I did whatever course, meditation retreat, book reading that was necessary to learn to love and appreciate myself fully and inconditionally. I undertook challenges, learned to process failure. And it worked. I learned in the process that the amount of love you give yourself you give to others. And the more you give to others, the more you receive. I became joyful, balanced and way more peaceful. I also wanted to enjoy worldly things -without having to feel guilty for using a poor man, remenber? ;) I started my own business. I had ups and downs. I held on to it and it went up again. In times of trouble, there always were women to help me out or even rescue me (I found myself homeless for 2-3 months), never a man, although they were all around me requesting that I made myself available for a date, and sometimes becoming angry because I never did. You know, when you don’t have a roof over your head and some guy say they want to take you out for diner, and on top of this you suspect that they’ll have you foot at least half the bill so they don’t feel used, you question their ability to feel emotions altogether. Your question their ability to relate to others at an emotional level, let alone love.

    I want to stop a minute to say that I am not a man hater. I LOVE men. In fact, I love the whole of mankind more than I ever have. Life has taught me that every being, when they reach their point of equilibrium become their best selves, joyful, generous and open to others. This is true for every woman and man. But when there is constriction in the heart, all sort of upsetting situation unravel… Matt, I repeat it, this is not normal that you feel you’re being taken from when you buy some joy for a woman (in the form of, say, a meal or a theatre ticket) even if she’s not (yet) your woman. To my ears, it’s like hearing a woman say that she felt used for buying a child a toy that brought him joy!!! Who would want to give love back to such woman?

    The same goes for us. How can we unleash our absolutely limitless ability to love if the man’s behaviour sends messages such as “NO love here, sorry” or “Very little love here, don’t ask too much” our “You ate this meal, no sex, you prostitute”? This last underlying message is not only the most hurtful -I was going to write hateful, it’s also the weirdest!! How many prostitute have you seen meet men hoping to get free cups of coffee, free meals, and free theatre tickets while their actual bank account remains empty? We must be prostitutes with no business acumen whatsoever! Come on, do you really think that we went to the hairdresser earlier and came to sit in the restaurant with you that night for a free meal?! Do you have so little self esteem that you cannot make up that maybe we came for YOU? To see what YOU have in the heart? Don’t you know that although a free meal can make a woman feel full it cannot make her feel fulfilled?

    The truth is, all women love to be indulged at time or even be swept out of their feet. I know no woman who tell their friends about this exciting man she met who had her pay half the restaurant bill! But because society has done so much to make us feel guilty (or even filthy) because of this trait in us, I know many women who provide this for themselves. I’m one of them. When I buy myself a deserved holiday, or a pretty pair of earrings, or when I have friends over and I cook for them I don’t count the money. If I cannot afford I save a bit until I can. When the money is spent I don’t look back because I don’t doubt the treat was deserved. So, why would I go with a man who feels cheated when he treats me while he finds it normal for me to cook every day, raise their kids, keep his house and do the laundry every day after a hard day on the work place? We’re not against doing those things, far from it. The problem is that you send the message at an early stage that we will be doing all this while making us feel guilty for wanting the things that make us feel womanly, happy and loving. No wonder why many women quit the game…

    This being said, if a man out there is reading this and is willing to get the love, the affection, the devotion they deserve while providing the happiness, joy and love I think I deserve, I’m open for a partnership. Just leave a message below! LOL!!

    Matt, I hope you will not nourish hard feelings against me for writing this, but I guess it needed to come out and you provided the trigger and opportunity.

    With kindness and love,


    • LJH says:

      @Nell – thank you for your post and detailed explanations of your views. I agree. We are not prostitutes who can be bought for the price of a dinner, however pricey it seems or how much we spend on hair and clothing. Men are not asking me out, I have to do all the initiating. The tables have turned since women’s liberation taught man they could cheat, divorce, drop their kids and still make their old fashioned chauvinistic demands on women. On the first date if I asked him out I pay and if he asked me out he can pay. If we discuss going dutch, and the man insists on paying I am not going to argue with him over money in public– I offer and they insist. I am not using them, I am doing as they wish. Men need to quit dating if they don’t want to do what it takes to get past the stupid expectations of society and the trappings of a past no one really lives by any more. Please open the door for me as I do for you. I do want equal footing. But if the man earns 3 -4 times what I do, why should I pay for an expensive dinner alone? I’m a single mom, after I pay for housing I have $600 a month for me and my son to live on. I am not looking for free dinners. I am looking for a partner for a real relationship that doesn’t keep score — doesn’t keep any kind of score.

    • Sophia says:

      I could have not said it better myself! What a wonderful comment this is – I agree with every word. Matt gives some great advice, but this time he could not be further from being right. I hope Matt will read your comment and understand what it is about. He really should read it!

      • Nell says:

        Hello Sophia, thanks for your comment. It is true, Matt gives great advice, many of which are truly eye openers. I find comforting the fact that you believe, like me, that we’re touching here a fundamental subject. We, as women, are ready to make all necessary effort to create quality relationships with men. The proof of it is that we are all here, following Matt, and trying to understand better the male mindset. We try to understand what we missed out on in order to correct ourselves. But we can only do so much. We cannot change what we are, ignore our very nature. No happiness could come out of it anyway. As women we give a lot to people around us, we often go out of our ways to help others, including men, and we don’t ask much in return. We just want to feel that that special someone next to us thinks we are more precious that any amount of money. It would be great if Matt would start some sort of “open heart conversation” about it so everyone could share how they feel on this…

    • april g says:

      Well said Nell. I totally agree with you on this. The modern woman has a lot to learn about valuing themselves. If a man doesn’t think enough of me to pay for the date, then he’s not the right one, especially for a long term relationship. That man will always be thinking of his “return” on any investment he’s made in a woman and who wants a guy like that?

      • Nell says:

        You are very right, April. Maybe the problem we’re running into here has to do with the fact that men look at money solely as a means of purchasing things while we view money as a means of purchasing things and also as a way of expressing ourselves.
        When I started my company, I needed the investment of business angels. When the guy who’s job was to put me in contact with the business angels read my financial plan, he said “Add 20% to the money you are asking for, that will be what you really need”. I was surprised, so I asked why. He replied “because you’re a woman”. This time I was shocked. Did he think women could not add figures? Then he added : “When women start businesses they do it mainly to impact their world positively and they focus on doing things right for the customer. And they almost always underestimate their financial needs which becomes a problem early on. As for the men, they go into business to make money. So they’ve always done the counting right.”

    • Julee Brentwood says:

      Nelly, the other day I had also posted on here that I was disappointed in Matt’s comparison of men being expected to pay for dates to women being expected to have sex with men whenever they want. In light of the Brock Turner rape case in California that is going viral for his lenient 6 month sentence after being convicted of 3 felony charges in this case, I was shocked to see that Matt Hussey has continued to keep this video up. You can hear the “groans” when Matt makes this statement. He then calls it a “double standard” that we women aren’t willing to SUBMIT to sex whenever a man wants, yet we expect them to SUBMIT to paying for our dates. Matt needs to compare apples to apples here. Sex (whenever a man wants it) is not the same as women expecting a man to pay for a date, just like “campus party life and sexual promiscuity” is an excuse for raping a woman who was unconscious. I know this comment will be deleted or not posted, but I hope the people who are monitoring this will rethink and “educate” Matt Hussey on the difference between “sex whenever a man wants it” and “paying for a date.”

      • Nell says:

        Hello Julee, thanks for writting such a brave post that dips deep into the seriousness of this matter. Although most men aren’t violent sexual predators the feeling of untitlement more and more men have over our sexuality is inexplicable. Even more disturbing is the fact that society hardly ever takes our defense. On the opposite, it reinforces this biais. Whether we’re being raped, harassed in a business setting, or if men turn cold on us because they want to have sex and they tired to wait, we are always the wrong doers. And if we dare to open our mouths to argue our case then we are treated like criminals. A woman who don’t sleep is always wrong. Period. Where’s the double standard?

  23. Natalie says:

    Interesting. I’ve offered to pay half on first dates only when I either knew the guy had limited resource, or when I wasn’t interested in a second date. Usually on a first date, I just let the man pay and thank him sincerely. It’s never been a problem for me. I always get asked out again, and have historically always been considered “relationship material” as well. That said, once we’ve gone out a 2-3 times, I insist on picking up a check here and there….which I continue throughout a relationship. I also have always paid if the date was at MY house and we ordered out…and of course bought the groceries if I’m cooking him a meal.

    • Nina says:

      Natalie, you got it exactly right! Everyone is making this way more complicated than it needs to be. Women should try reading the book Getting to ‘I Do’ by Patricia Allen. It explains in detail, the philosophy behind your statement, gender roles, masculine v. feminine energy, and why the way you are approaching dating works! When I figured out what I wanted and applied her case studied philosophy to my behavior with men, I met and subsequently married my husband of now 18 years.

  24. Lisa says:

    Matthew I love most your advice but I this is a load of crap. My male counterparts in the work place and men I choose to date will be making more than me. It’s normally a factor women consider when dating. Men still make more than women; not to mention if this is the man that will be potentially the main breadwinner and will have to support a family I think he should be demonstrating he can.

  25. Valeria says:

    Brilliant as always, Matthew!

  26. Heidi says:

    The title doesn’t match the topic, unfortunately. Never once did Matthew talk about a FIRST date in this clip. While I agree with him, I am still confused about who pays on the FIRST date. My guess would be the person who asked the other person out…

  27. Susan Davis says:

    I would usually offer to pay the tip if the place was beyond my budget and my date knew that. As far as later dates, if I couldn’t afford to pay at some of the places he would like to dine, I would offer to cook for him instead and make the night as good as any 5-star restaurant.

  28. Julia says:

    I actually did research for my gender studies class last summer about whether or not it is possible to be courted by a man if you’re a woman (meaning he does all the date planning, pays for all, asks you out first, etc.) and expect to be viewed as equals in the relationship and society. My research yielded a big fat NO (and I got 85% on my paper!). These “rules” come from dating scripts which originated in the 1950’s when sexism was the word – and they haven’t changed much since. According to the research, paying for yourself on dates lays the ground work for a more equal relationship, better sex and more respect between partners, etc. Many of my girlfriends reject feminism and want to “have their cake and eat it too”. But if you think about it – this “rule” was put in place cause women couldn’t pay for themselves as we were not allowed to work. Now we do – so why are we not paying for ourselves? I personally feel much better paying for myself on dates. It makes it easier to break up with a guy after (if I want) and I feel less sexual pressure. So thank you!

  29. Laura Torres says:

    why this topic is so controversial? it’s very obvious for me. A men dont have to pay everything on a date, off course he could invite the dinner but the next day us (girls) could do it too!!

  30. Luna says:

    I like this post, though I am still unclear how to manage the situation when you make more than your partner/date?

  31. Åsa Vestergren says:

    I live in Sweden, and here that is not a big issue. The usual thing to do on a date is that each person pays for their own meal, and I think that’s good.

  32. Dayna says:

    THANK YOU, MATTHEW!!! I am a single mom on a tight budget, so I can’t plan extravagant dates, but I DO want to contribute! So far, he refuses to let me pay, even for ice cream. I can’t wait until the next time when I’m able to say that I wouldn’t expect my best girl friend to go out and always pay for me, so I don’t expect him to either. THAT is the answer I’ve been looking for. I appreciate what he does, and I never want to get the point where he thinks it’s one-sided. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

  33. CC says:

    I was brought up that men must court women. That included taking her out at his expense. There sh/b no intimacy. “Why should he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?” Times have changed somewhat. It became: I would pay my way on a date as a way of letting the guy know I wasn’t interested. My paying for myself made it more of a ‘meeting’ and not a date. Which would come in handy if he started telling people He dated me, because I could deny it was a date on those terms. Then I moved to a state known for its poverty level. 50th out of 50. I started seeing a man who “picked up my handkerchief” so to speak. We were immediately monogomous. But in this case I was the one who ended up paying for the few dates we had. Neither of us had much money at the time. I didn’t care so much until he expected it. And I think that is really what you were getting at. We both had the same favorite store, but in two different parts of town. He came with me to mine, which he hadn’t known about. He pointed to a pair of skinny jeans on a maniken and said he thought they would look very nice on me. So I said “okay, well one day when you are able you can buy them for me, I’d really like that” and gave him a big smile. He stopped talking and his face screwed up like why should I expect he buy me anything. I have to say I lost a lot of respect for him at that point. I didn’t understand that kind of treatment. Well, ultimately, we got to a point where we either should quit or go to a next level of commitment. And he ghosted me. So now I know what that is. LoL. But it gave me a lot of time to think about it all and I agree with a point you briefly alluded to. This man practised ‘serial monogamy.’ But yes, I do think he is sociopathic regarding women. He loves sex. He loves beauty. But he doesn’t love women. So I learned from that and I was able to deal with that (in exactly the manner I subsequently read that you suggested) through love. It is the only way. And, although I’m not with anyone else at the moment, and although it is not how I was taught growing up, if I take the attitude I agree with (namely, you can’t have a lasting love without friendship) then your approach of sharing expenses makes perfect ethics and good sense. So here’s a question I have for you: I met a guy I am interested in getting to know. He lives and works a couple of counties away. I met him at a meeting down at his union hall. He seemed kind of shy but interested. And then he had to go into the meeting. Sometimes I think some older guys from more rural areas forget a woman could be interested in them. So, I called him up to invite him to a party. (Lol-one of the first things I did was get his cell number!) and he has a pretty wall-to-wall schedule. He and his co-workers live at the Mine and go home weekends. He told me he goes to sleep early because he has to get up early so I should always not call him late but the time I was calling-3pm-was just right. So I thought that was kind of a prompt and felt hopeful. He explained he has to work where and when the work is available according to the market and I said I was very familiar with that, not to worry. So I said “Well, now you have MY number so if you are ever down here (my town) and you want to grab a coffee just give me a call. I’d really enjoy that.” He was quiet and I guess it was starting to sink in that I wasn’t calling him on business lol. So I just finished by saying “Well, I don’t want to keep you too late. Sleep well when you get there.” He said okay. I said “Until soon. Stay safe.” He said okay. His whole tone had changed as what I was saying was sinking in. And we hung up. What’s your take on what happened there? Thanks.

  34. Hadar Cohen says:

    I have no idea where that concept, that a man should pay for a woman in a date came from?And also, why? Because he’s supposed to be a gentleman? It’s just a stupid reason. It’s a guy’s choice to be a gentleman, and I think that I shouldn’t force a guy to be one, but he’s supposed to be a gentleman by his own choice. And also I don’t think that him paying for a woman in a date is a fine way to measure how much of a gentleman he is.

    • Carrie says:

      My guess is because, traditionally, men were demonstrating their ability to provide, which was crucial before women typically had jobs of their own. Men still earn a lot more money than women do on average, so it’s still a factor in your potential future quality of life.

      I’ve had cash flow issues for a while now, which makes it difficult to date because 1. it’s hard to afford “extras” and 2. because I know I’m being sized up and I don’t look good in that area right now.

      If it’s a first date, and he asked me, and it’s just coffee or a drink or two (I’m a lightweight so I don’t rack up a big bill), sometimes I offer and sometimes I don’t, but I don’t worry about that. It’s a quick and easy test: if he even blinks at buying me a drink, there’s something wrong. NEXT! The second date is usually a hike, so it’s clear that I’m trying to pick his brain, not his wallet. If we date/hang out more, I’ll buy sometimes. I’ll contribute my time by traveling to him (typically 40-60 minutes each way). The good ones understand that. (And I *really* look forward to the day when it’s not an issue.)

      Hadar, you’re absolutely right, willingness to pay is a stupid metric for “gentlemanliness”. It’s as good as anything for a first impression, but in the long run, it’s crap.

  35. AA says:

    wow. this is real deep, Uncle Hussey. Bring more seminar clips!

  36. Julee says:

    I think you’re missing the mark here, Matt. I agree with Wendy’s mom in that a man should pay for a lady’s company (if he is doing the inviting). I raised my boys to pay if they suggested the date/event. I also raised my boys to offer to pay if the girl plans the date/event and let the girl decide if she wants to carry the bill alone or not. If she plans something to surprise him and has already paid for it, he should not have to offer to reimburse her…it was a surprise and a “gift” from her. More importantly, I’m not happy with your comparison that paying for a date is the same as giving up the most intimate part of you (“sex anytime he wants”) as an “equal” trade off. Your comment only reinforced many mens’ idea that dates and payment with sex go hand in hand. Believe me, I have had 10+ years of dates where men expect sex on the first date (or some kind of physical intimacy) as payback for the “FIRST” date! Please choose your words carefully and the messages you are portraying to both men and women that paying for dates and sex are not reciprocal nor are they to be viewed as equal or a “fair/accurate” comparison when discussing this topic.

  37. Helen says:

    Hi Matt! Great video with points that need to be addressed. People should never expect anything from eachother firstly. If a man would offer to take me out, especially on a first time date, I would not expect him to pay. I would offer to split the bill with him. After all we do not know eachother yet so expectations of any nature should be taken off the table. If all went well and we wish to see each other again, then I would still offer and if we were to go for a third round and then he expresses that he would like to pay this time then that would be lovely.

  38. Kelly says:


    This is so helpful and gives such a clear understanding. Even for me, being a feminist, I have always struggled with this question.

    Thank you so much.

  39. Norma says:

    Hi, Matthew!
    Well, I must admit, it’s unusual that I respond to any videos of that kind, but that was just too much.

    My opinion on who-pays subject is the man pays! I mean, I have many costs being beutiful and have many useful thing in my purse, that are not given away for free as well so it all just adds up.

    One more thing: I hate pulling out my wallet in front of him. That gives me feeling, he can’t take care of me. It’s not money that is the problem here. I can buy tickets or anything else, when I’m alone at home ordering it via internet or something, it’s really not the money. It’s the feeling of financial stabilty. And if the man I’m dating can’t ensure that, well, fine, I want I man who can and will do that. And of course, I never demand to go to any expensive location. I suggest different options and then we decide for one.

    So, I insist on man paying when we’re together out but also keeping in mind that I contribute financially equally, but indirectly.

    I would reeeaally be grateful and like to read what you think about my point of view.

    Best regards,

  40. marjorie says:

    This is my rule.If he invites me to dinner I expect he is taking me to dinner and will pay. When I invite him, I will pay. I’m old fashion that way and dinner doesn’t equate to sex.
    When we’ve devoped a relationship and are dating then we can talk splitting checks.

  41. Salome says:

    In my case, i do leave the guy to pay the first date; is a lady gesture to leave the guy to pay at first time. This is a man thing. After that, i do pay the following 4/5 dates until he feels the luck of gesture and then he will do it. At the end…i make clear to the guy we should share everything. And works very good for a relationship. This is only for the guy i want for me…friends are different situation.

  42. Leona says:

    You still got it Matthew. Hit the nail on the head once again. Plus, I’m not the kind of woman that expects to be wowed by an expensive night on the town on the first couple of dates. I prefer a low-key, low cost date so we can focus on getting to know each other without the power struggle. Later, he can take me out for a fancy dinner to show he’s really interested or to celebrate our time together. I really wish more women felt this way so men would feel more open to asking women out on dates.

  43. Vasiliki says:

    You never stop to amaze me coach!!

    “It has nothing to do with money. It has to do with the luck of gesture” you are SO RIGHT. The little things make all the difference. Offering to pay, not ordering the most expensive item from the menu, or if you get asked “Where would you like to go tonight?” you can reply by saying “Let’s take a walk together hand in hand.” After all the “where we will go” is not that important, it is the “whom we are with” that really matters!!!

  44. tina says:

    I think it is a mature confident responsible well balance woman who contributes to a date or meal monetarily. Who says a man is supposed to pay all the time. That’sexist and biased. If you were married wouldn’t you share the load of living expenses?
    Besides the allowing a man to pay for everything is giving up your power. Looks like you’re weak. Nothings
    sexier and attractive to a man than a confident empowered woman.even if it’s just taking care of the gratuity on the bill.

  45. B says:

    I usually agree with you, Matthew, but on this I disagree. I am looking for a lover and partner. I already have a best friend. Several, actually. And none of them are hoping to sleep with me. Yes, my time is very valuable. As a woman, I have less time to get this romantic part of my life sorted than a man. Seriously. This is especially true after a certain age, and even moreso if a woman wants children.

    Women like generous men. Full stop. It’s appealing to us on an Instinctual level. Much like our looks appeal to men. Instinctual.

    That being said, I am happy to contibute what I can, and yes, I do offer to pay. I also make my own unique contributions in proportion to my income. For example, I’m taking a man I’m seeing to a concert in a couple of weeks. My idea, I’m planning it, getting the tickets, all on my dime. Happily.

    I think you need to work on this particular area and give more clear guidance. Usually your insights are clear and extremely helpful. I feel confused after watching this clip.

  46. HH says:

    This sound like MH’s own world view on money and women rather than any useful wisdom.
    If you’re in the process of getting to know someone you actually want to settle down with long term, then the idea that a woman could be treated like a man’s best friend just doesn’t wash. A woman in this context should come in a category of her own – ‘goddess’- a special companion! That is, the man’s attitude and behaviour should ideally be one of chivalry and a good helping of ‘awe.’
    So, the man shouldn’t hesitate to pay for ‘dates.’ Also, a woman could with some discretion clarify a man’s attitude to money before proceeding to the dating stage. This subject could covered in another MH video :/ .

  47. Laetitia says:

    Truly amen! I cannot believe the chorus of women expecting men to pay. I wish you’d also address the situation where the woman is financially better off.

  48. JK says:

    thank you! at last somebody voiced this obvious thing in a neutral, matter-of-fact, inoffensive manner.
    the earlier a woman realizes the blatant truth behind this statement, the shorter her path shall be to a truly beautiful profound relationship.

    I used to support this theory that the guy gets to pay all the time, but then something happened that got me to revisit my attitude. I had a friend – a wonderful smart insightful ironic person whose company I enjoyed greatly. it could be that I was searching for her company a little more than she for mine, but on the whole it was a pretty balanced friendship. except for one thing: she always expected me to pay. I don’t know how this pattern came about, but it came to stay. and it is true I probably make twice what she does, but still. her birthday is Feb 15th and my birthday is Feb 17th, so, this year we met on Feb 17th to hang out and celebrate our birthdays of sorts. so, I brought her a present – she brought nothing. we went to a Frida Kahlo exhibition – I covered that. afterwards we went to a Moroccan restaurant – I covered that. each time a bill arrived, she wouldn’t make a single effort to at least part in on tips or something, she would just look at me expectantly, and that was that. it made me feel very belittled, insignificant, rejected even. as if my presence was so burdensome that I had to pay to compensate!
    so, it got me thinking: that’s what all these guys felt like when I expected them to pay by default…

  49. Kim says:

    What is happening here? Our world is so screwed up now. What happened to the days of a man being a man. If a guy asks you out then he should pay. Just like he should open your door for you, etc. Its called being a man. Men have never been so emotional that like what you said in your video to sit back and think.. Oh I’m paying for everything is my time not worth anything? Seriously? Come on! Things are getting so out of control in the dating field period and that’s why there are so many single women and men. It’s a lack of respect and men taking advantage. A man should not feel like a real man if he’s expecting the woman to go half on the date that he asked her out on to get to know her. Matt you speak about how it’s like going out with your best friend. It’s not, because your best friend isn’t hoping one day that you’ll become her wife. As women we look for men that can make us feel safe, be our protector, give us some form of stability. If the man is already complaining about splitting the check on the first date be prepared to sign on that line before the wedding so you can’t get half of his money when he divorces you.

  50. H. says:

    YES!! Freakin’ Amen! I feel sorry for the guys for this double standard that they have to pay for everything, what a pressure. I do like a gentleman who opens the door for me, treats me like a woman, etc. and if he offers to pay, I wouldn’t refuse him. But I would never expect a man to pay for me, unless he insisted on doing something toghether, that was way out of my budget zone, and I know he has the money. I don’t want financial security from a guy, that’s not what I need. I need someone who makes me feel safe emotionally and respects me as an equal human being. And if he didn’t spend a fortune on me, then I don’t feel obligated to do anything I don’t want to either. I can understand that a man don’t want to be financially responsible for another grown up. You can be a generous person in so many other ways :)

  51. Maria says:

    This is the most ridiculous advice to women. No wonder men are getting lazy to pursue women because of this type of advice women is getting. If a man invite a woman for dates is because he is trying to impress. His goal is to get the pussy why she will offer to pay half. That advice should be good once you are in a relationship with the man.

  52. M says:

    Excellent points by the ladies who’ve commented. A, Angie, & Wendy. Hope Matt responds back on this.

    I feel a woman could offer to pay for a small things after a bit (if the man likes to be in-charge) and it goes a long way, as it’s good gesture. For example: Parking when on dinner. Tipping the valet guy/valet itself. A Food street dessert/icecream if they’re talking a stroll, etc.

    It shouldn’t become a power/ego/victim play. And most men do understand women do not make more than them, even when they’re counterparts in the same company.

    I had been with someone with whom I paid initially on some dates then, lost job and was in bit of a crunch so couldn’t afford to pay/ co-pay and he knew about no-earning situation. Yet he asked me to pay indirectly by telling me a story of how his friend’s GF pays for his phone and dates. Being a person of integrity, it made me feel guilty that i couldn’t share the ‘load’.

    It speaks volumes about the man, I suffered a lot after being married to him, I had to use the pocket money I got from my Dad to buy personal-use things.
    Please don’t take above words out of context – “suffering” was inclusive of having to rely on Dad while being married to a man with a good Bank job, and many other things that happened as result of his irresponsibility.

  53. Nicole says:

    Matthew you are getting too hot for me to watch your video clips anymore!

  54. Laurel F. Arnold says:

    Two things in that segment had huge impact. Treat your partner as how you would treat your best friend and the jesture of trying. Which you are correct. We always seem to stumble all over ourselves in a fight to treat to a drink or dinner because they are important & we want to show our appreciation of them. In regards to trying, it doesn’t matter how much or how little, an effort that shows one is trying to lighter a burden of any sort, shows respect, affection & integrity. I enjoy your advice. You can be very brilliant at times

  55. La-Verne De Vos says:

    Share the bill…keep things even…if he offers or insist to pay then you pick up the next bill…

  56. Julie Mackenzie says:

    That was awesome! Yes, I’ve always handled it this way…. Once you become a “steady” relationship, it’s always nice to offer to pay too… My goodness.. You are both working individuals…both should take turns paying.. It’s only fair..

  57. Denise says:

    Although, I will offer to pay… But, I will definitely move on from the man who ask me first – money to pay – …. It’s not that I don’t want to pay, but I dislike calculative man.

    Can you imagine, this is only a food or drink during dating time… What will happen next after having baby… Maybe without shame he will say, give me money for the diaper or milk lol

  58. Susan Sorg says:

    I have a different possible take on who pays on a first date. I offer to pay my share after the meal but before he accepts my offer, he should consider a few things. You see, when a guy asks me out, lets say, to a nice dinner. I stay real to myself but i take care in getting ‘ready’ for the date . I dress nicely…perhaps i buy a new accessory or top. I put on gorgeous shoes, might have my nails done, spray on my nicest perfume, then do my own hair and makeup, using my best cosmetics and using special hair oil to keep my hair soft and glossy. I have spent up to 2 hours in prep, not to impress with ‘faking’ who I am but by being nice and showing I care about myself and take care of myself. ..and think enough of him, to do this!!. I think my date is worth the time and money it takes. By the time, I meet him for dinner, i might have already paid 100.00 just getting ready. Most guys? They might dress a bit nicer, but the manicures, make up etc arent needed. So sure, I can pay for my dinner on top of all that–a couple of times, but I think I am worth taking out to dinner. Most men don’t consider differences in salaries when dividing a bill. Each pays their own. I couldn’t consider continuing dating a man who likes to go out fancy and pay for expensive nights for himself but expect an ongoing dating situation to be 50/50. So, yes, I offer, but a real gentleman takes time to get to know me and considers that when asking me out and if he continues to want to see me,

  59. Denise says:

    This is really interesting. My mom told me, not every man treat you can take, because that is nothing free in this world. If you expect the man to pay all your bills, then be ready to do smtg in return when he asks

  60. Cindy says:

    This is how I would be on a date however what if the guy is traditional and gets offended that you offer to pay your share. Then you lose out by being nice! But I guess if it was that offensive then you’re probably better off without him lol.

  61. A. says:

    I don’t mind paying. I just don’t want to get into a power struggle over it. Men always want to do big, expensive things neither of us can afford. It’s not like being with your best friend because your best friend isn’t trying to impress you this way. And your best friend doesn’t want to get you into bed. I’m not saying men pay for dates to later get sex. But this man is interested in you as more than a friend and he is hoping that you like him, hoping that you’re impressed with him and that will lead to romance later on.

    He wants to sweep a woman off her feet. Honestly, I’d rather split and always, always offer to do so. I have never insisted because men have gotten so stubborn about it that I back down. So my experience is different.

    Once past the first few dates, we split or take turns. And I’m fine with that. It works best when me and the man are on the same economic scale. Men with more money want to do stuff they can afford and then it’s not quite an equal partnership. But even then, there are other non-monetary ways you can contribute. But I must admit I don’t really date men that much higher on the economic scale than I. I like men who are humble and understand where I am.

  62. Angie Thornton-Rice says:

    Upset with this advice. I can’t afford to go out period!!! I started seeing someone, he asked me out to dinner, I said sorry to be rude but who is paying coz I can’t afford it, his reply was that he was paying as he doesn’t ask someone to come out then expect them to pay. A few days later he asked me to join him for a drink, same again I said I had no money, he said he’d pay. So what do I do 3 – 4 months down the line? Finish with him because I can’t afford to pay???

    • MaryBelle says:

      You could make sandwiches for a picnic, bring hot chocolate to a sporting event, make cookies. There are many small ways you could show you care and contribute.

    • Manon says:

      Hey Angie,

      have you considered the fact that maybe it isn’t Matts’ advice that’s upsetting you but rather your current financial situation?

      I understand your frustration, we’ve all been there at some point(s) in our life.

      However, I’m not sure you’re asking the right questions.

      Below are just a few ideas I can think of ad hoc which have worked for me, as I go about answering your concern.
      – Question: When can I afford to spare 5 bucks for coffees for the both of us? Next time he invites you on a date, let him know how much you’ve enjoyed your time together. Being specific is a real bonus. Then tell him in a *playful* way that next time you owe him a coffee, “the best one in town,” for example. You just happen to know about this really cool place or have a favorite one you would like to take him to. What he’ll remember is that there is a next time, and you’re trying in proportion to your means but not solely, because it’s your favorite or the best coffee, which makes it special. We all know a bottle of wine is not coffee but yet it is in a situation like this, because it’s not the price tag or the type of the beverage that which we should focus on. It’s what we are prepared to give during our time together having that drink or even a meal.
      – Can I come up with ideas that don’t cost anything? Look up free events/shows you think both of you would enjoy. He’ll see the effort you’ve put into organising this and maybe it is also a good way to show him how creative you can be! As Matt explains in his video, it’s about him seeing that you’re *trying*. This doesn’t always have to mean that it *has* to be a financial contribution. Besides, this might help you both feel good about him inviting you for a drink – in return- sur place or later on.
      – Could I maybe contribute in another way? Couple of weeks or months into your dates, you could, for instance, offer to cook for him. He provides or you both go buy the ingredients and you cook for him or even together. Best is if you cook something he’s previously told you he loves eating, this will show him that you pay attention to his likings. Or just simply surprise him with one of your signature dishes. Worst case scenario, even a homemade pizza would do. ;) It doesn’t really matter, as long as you’ve made the effort to prepare it. Also, it’s a bit of a one for the price of two, since you’d have to eat anyway… However, here, he gets the joy of having someone special cooking for him and you both spending time together, with good music and a nice bottle of something.

      Think of it as Christmas. When we were children, our parents would buy us gifts but we would make theirs, a drawing for instance or maybe even perform something. Our gifts weren’t paid for, yet, this didn’t make them any less valuable to our parents, on the contrary. Even today, we give gifts within the scope of what is possible, for each one of us. But let it be said that buying someone a drink is the easiest part, therefore, it’s the effort and the thought behind everything that counts. Thus, do not feel bad for not being able to repay him the equal sum of how much you drink when he invites.

      “So what do I do 3 – 4 months down the line? Finish with him because I can’t afford to pay???”

      If you keep acting like it is a loss for you, he will most probably end up seeing it the same way and finish it with you before you could ever even afford to pay.

      Sorry to be so crude but if you remain this honest yet rude, like you say, there is a chance that he might see your behaviour as “dependant.” If you keep asking who’s paying and if it isn’t the guy, then we can’t see each other, this man is going to see you being defined by your OWN current financial situation, aka, that’s also being dependant if not on him. What is worse, he’d have no control over this side of the spectrum. IOW, in a way, you’d be punishing him for even trying to get to know you more, because you’d be depriving him of seeing you while you are relying on false modesty.

      Instead, what you would want to convey to him is that no matter your financial situation, you can handle it the best way possible. Knowing how to handle your finances is not based in accordance to how much cash flow you have available but rather how you handle your life quality based on the extent of what you cannot afford but wished you could.

      Don’t you want to give him the impression that in the future you are the type of woman who knows how to handle both situations well?

      If he sees you dealing with this with playfulness and conviction that you know what you are doing and this is just temporary, as you will find a way to get out of this situation – this could only be a good indication for him that in the future should he ever struggle, you out of all other women would know how to handle such a situation. Men strive for financial stability but success is never a guarantee. Therefore, meeting someone who knows not only how to get us out of a critical situation but also knows how to manage the transition in a positive way, is I believe an important skill to cultivate as a team mate.

      I hope this helps.

      All the best with your dates.

      M x

    • Carrie says:

      Ugh, I feel your pain. If you like him, go out with him. Money/jobs come and go, and a lot of people are getting screwed right now. I hope your situation improves because it’s a hard way to live, all around.

      If I were you, I’d ask him to take you on a hike, or to a park. If he likes you and wants to court you, he’ll appreciate knowing ways to do this that won’t make you feel bad. That gives him something to work with. If you can afford to pack a picnic (even just a little snack like bread, cheese, and grapes), you could surprise him. When you’re comfortable spending time at his place, do that.

      If he knows that he has low/no-cost options for spending time with you, and prefers to do things with you that cost money, then at that point it’s up to him to pay for it. Don’t ever feel bad about that.

      • Sydney says:

        I think it doesn’t matter how much money you have but your sense of generosity. which can be shown by everything from a smile to how you treat someone.

        Also not being able to afford stuff is not a big deal, unless you make it out to be. It’s not a big deal

        If you need more dispensable money, find a way to earn it. No use moping or resisting any situational reality

        To be honest, I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable going out all the time to where he wants to go – I’d probably do the hiking, picnics, Netflix etc. and occasionally go out and let him pay if he wishes to. I think it’s important to hold your own.

  63. Zsofia says:

    Hey Matt,

    I think you are spot on with women need to offer. Thanks for saying it out loud!
    However as you assumed that the lady was earning less than the guy she is dating, something got me wondering…. What if it’s the other way around? What shall she do then?

    It makes me wonder, because I’m in this particular situation right now, where the guy I like earns less then I do. And I’d still like to do stuff that’s out of his budget… What’s then? I don’t want to hurt him by suggesting doing something together, he most probably can’t afford, but I’d still like to do it with him. How would a guy take such a thing?

    Thanks for answering.

  64. Wendy says:

    Well, I think the first few dates – at least – the male should pay. But maybe this attitude comes from the era I was brought up in. In that period, men received a higher pay rate, and it was expected that they would treat the woman. My mother’s words of wisdom were that the man should pay for a lady’s company – and she wasn’t someone who slept around at all.
    I hear what your saying, though, Matthew, and I agree with it. But it’s hard to overcome the conditioning I was brought up with. In the past, though, I’ve always been generous with boyfriends and often brought them gifts. However, I still feel that the man who will take me out for a wonderful night is the one who is showing a higher calibre of classiness and being the Prince Charming most girls long for IF he can afford it. If he can’t, then that’s totally no problem and whether I continue with the friendship only depends on his sensitivity, inert goodness, maturity, sense of humour and things we have in common.

    • Edward D says:

      Wendy, You say “My mother’s words of wisdom were that the man should pay for a lady’s company” Seriously? I thought it was two friends going out, not a prostitute and John. Your attitude is disturbing if not unethical. Who wants to be “friends” with someone like you who EXPECTS the man to pay. Who wants to be “friends” when one friend EXPECTS the other friend to do something she refuses to do. What is worse is that you almost seem to hold such a RIDICULOUS “value” as a psoitive. That RIDICULOUS attitude came from an era when women were at HOME baking bread and doing housework,did you forget THAT? You seem to cherish and linger in some weird “value” but I bet you reject the other so called “values” of that same era and same genre.

  65. Christine says:

    I find nothing controversial with this at all!!! I ALWAYS offer to pay halves on a first date. I would consider it extremely rude not to! Of course, if a guy absolutely insists on paying, I cheekily say “Well, the next time is on me,” and smile graciously, This shows two things. 1: Certainty…I’m not asking “Well…if I see you again, the next time is on me”: (attractive trait, yes, Matthew?) 2: Respect. I appreciate you and your time and I will reciprocate the gesture.
    Enough said!!!

  66. Rosa says:

    This is exactly opposite to what research shows, that men learn to love through sacrifice, the process of winning a challenge, and taking care of his love interest and investing in her and their together time. If a man views a woman as his buddy, he is not treasuring her in the way that the women can be at her best and the man can be at his best. They should not be “equal” because their strengths and love languages are different.

  67. Vanessa says:

    Hi Mathew, maybe you can help me understand something. I have my ex stuck in my head. Everything reminds me of him and I don’t want him back. But the thoughts are so random. I think about things that I should have done differently and what could have happen if I did those things differently. The thing is it’s been almost 5 years since we broke up and I know he has moved on, so why can’t I?

  68. Catherine says:

    I’m with you Matthew. I have always offered to pay half or I’ll pay next time we go out. I do the same thing with my girl friends. I actually watch /read your videos/blogs as I am very curious and interested in the psychology of “romantic’ relationships and in particular your very successful marketing strategy. All power to you.

  69. Anne DeRocher says:

    I pretty much do not agree. I am also in a different age group than you. Most men make more money than women. Plain and simple. Still a man’s world when it comes to that. I do offer. I have to tell you if the man I’m with pays for the bill without question, that is the man I will go out with again. I am old fashioned in this way. Women contribute in other ways. It’s all a balancing act. Maybe this advice is more for the younger generations.

  70. Kate says:

    So I guess nothing interesting happened this past retreat. ;) Dear Matthew (or Stephen), what are your thoughts on going dutch on a first date, particularly if you don’t know your date well enough? For example, let’s say I meet a guy named Bob standing near the avocado section of a supermarket, and we exchange details and schedule a coffee date. If I decide to call Bob at least two days before the date to say, “Listen Bob – I think I’m going to pay for my own coffee and you just pay for your drink”, am I giving Bob the impression that I could be a potentially selfish partner, even though that’s not my intention?

    • Tasha says:

      Men these days do so little.
      Last few dates; I commuted to meet them.
      Never expected them to stand up to greet me, and they didn’t.
      I spend time & money on hair, makeup, lotions,
      scents, uncomfortable clothes & shoes; they are in comfy polos or jeans and sneakers.
      Never hear how nice I look (even though hostesses & waitstaff commented on my pretty dress or feminine shoes.)
      Men never did say anything like that.

      A man leaned in and boasted, “I make a lot of money”… yet I ordered a cup of soup. I always bring cash denominations to pay my share without fuss, and still he says, “aw! They didn’t separate the bills!”

      Men have to do so little, and they do even less than any other time in history.

      It’s about respect and an open heart and soul, not money. I earn good money and treat people and tip well.

      Women HAVE to look good, and a man who takes money from a woman (for a cup of soup) is NOT a ‘man.’

      Get over your entitlement. Make an effort; be a gentleman, say something nice. You never have itchy bras, constricting outfits, sore feet, diets, waxes, facial masques etc as it is. They’ve never had it so easy, yet still do less than ever.

      In the Don Draper era, men wore suits and tipped hats every time a lady entered the elevator. I’ve opened doors for all people and men have pushed by without a humane thank you and I’m sick of it.

      And I’m supposed to ‘want you physically’ after that lack of respect and effort? Why? Leave my heart alone and call a hooker if that’s all you want.

      Men…be Men again!!!
      And the “oooh, I don’t want a relationship?” Statistics have shown men gain better nutrition, emotional
      stability and support, because they do less well than women when they are solitary.

      Case in point: ever seen one who has a mere cold?

      Why are headlines: how to make him like you: how to
      get him to commit, how to compliment men, how to get his number… How about remedial notes on male chivalry? Haven’t seen a plethora of women finding loving life mates after all these videos & ‘tips’, by the way.

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