You’re on a first date with a guy.
You just finished your drinks and the waiter hands you the check.
He’s about to pay. Should you offer to cover your half of the bill? Or just smile and say thank you when the guy puts his credit card on the table?
I’m not going to lie, in this week’s blog video, I get PRETTY controversial. But I think this REALLY matters, so I hope you’ll keep an open mind when you watch this.
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Of course you cant expect the guy to always pay!
I always take money out to pay for my own stuff. If he offers to pay for me, great. I like men who want to take care of me. Though, I will argue for a moment like “no, you dont have to..” and then thank him. Thats both for friends and romantic interests. And if i really like this guy, I’ll flirt a bit like, “so i guess now i owe you a drink ;)” if he doesnt offer to pay, still fine. Maybe he cant afford it.
So far it has proved to work and I’m not changing this strategy.
Now, if he instists to take me to an expensive place even after ive noted that i cant afford it and then doesnt offer to pay, that guy is an ass and not worth my time bc he didnt listen to me.:p
Matt, I don’t think you’re realistically taking into consideration what the woman on average is paying for to show up to a date. Firstly, on the whole men make more than women and have fewer expenses. When it comes to dating it’s my experience that most men will not incur much of any cost in preparation for the date. Maybe a $25 haircut? Unless he’s a major pretty boy/fashionista type his nice clothes will probably last him a decade or more and cost the same as a woman’s nice clothes which are expected to be replaced at minimum every 3 years, and that’s stretching it.
Women on average will spend a huge amount of money as well as time just to maintain or cultivate the physical aspects of looking dateable. From shoes, clothing, jewelry, hair appointments, mani/pedi, gym membership and the list goes on depending on how serious you are about looking good, and how good.
Let’s just be realistic: in the beginning especially looking good is largely what we’re expected to bring to the table. And yes, times have changed; looking good now is a lot more work and money than it was in the 50’s with our hardcore consumerist mentality and the borage of images and messages about what we should look like to be considered attractive. And, as may have already pointed out, men on the whole will be making more money than us ladies do. We already have an unfair setup before the date has started.
For men, not much at all has changed, and if anything the standards are lower. You can show up in a basic dress shirt, slacks and a halfway decent pair of shoes (all of which you’ve had for 15 years) and be perceived as looking fine, and meanwhile we may have spent $500 or more between getting hair and nails done, maybe a new wardrobe item, and some cosmetics.
I think it’s also important to take into consideration what you’re looking for, and what he’s looking for. Does he want a tomboy or a runway model? Do you want a man who’s a provider with more traditional sex roles or a more modern approach where everything is supposed to be 50/50 (though that pretty much never happens and the women end up working at work and then doing most of the household stuff to boot)?
Personally, I don’t want to be equals in the way people see it now. I want to be complementary; no less, no more than him but different. I think this whole “we’re the same” thing has seriously gone too far and resulted in a mutual neutering of the sexes, where no one feels empowered to be either masculine nor feminine. I want a MAN. And I want to be a WOMAN. This to me means there are differences, and that’s okay. We’re hormonally/biologically wired very differently and to expect men to be more like women and vice-versa is like being pissed that your dog isn’t more like a cat.
Really Now Tessa?
This is what Matthew Hussey meant exactly!!! The Double Standards is because of this!
Did you not even listen to what he said?
You say that women on average spend a lot? Then maybe they should stop spending so much then!
Money… Do you think that money drops from the sky?
Let’s say that a man is earning more then you. And he offers to pay for the meal/dates/etc. but you are already several months into dating. What do you think that you should do?
Continuously let him pay? Or offer to at least be bothered to pay for certain stuff?
Obviously to try and contribute right?
And what do you expect men to do for you everyday? Spoon feed you? Sorry to make this sound sour but erm..
Your way of thinking is still making it seems like he is the one paying for your time. And that means that your time is more worth it then the man’s time. See? This is what Double Standard is!
Why do you think so many people what Equality but the number of people that wants it… Are not showing it!?
And to end it off.. With that last paragraphs of yours at the end.
So you are saying that… You want to be the housewife of the relationship after you get married with your own man?
I want you to scroll down and read Stephanie’s Point of View.
And good day to you!
Of course I understand months of dating, that’s ridiculous! But I live in the south, and I’ve actually learned the hard way to not offer to pay. I offered on a few dates and it was so awkward.. It felt like the guys were getting offended. I asked my guy friends later and they basically said, “Mary, we all know that you are a strong independent woman ;), but if a guy asks you out or offers to pay, the best thing you can do is just let him and say thank you. Otherwise he’ll think you don’t like him as more than just a friend, and you’ll hurt his manhood.”
But you said here that if a girl didn’t at least offer you would be instantly turned off? I guess all the guys I’ve dated from other places think I’m some kind of gold digger
I go by the standard that was set by my parents who have been in a loving relationship for over 35 years.
I always expect a guy to pay on the first date. After all, he did ask me out, he should pay. I went on one date where the guy made us pay 50/50 and I was really turned off. Right off the bat it felt like a friendship because he put no effort in.
At the end of the first date, unless the guy pays really quickly, I always offer to pay something. I haven’t had a problem. He usually smiles and says “I’ve got it”, and I always get asked out again. I agree with Matthew in that its all in the gesture-you usually don’t pay but they appreciate you asking. It makes them feel valued and not used. Once I’m in a relationship, the guy will pay most of the time but I will always offer. And if I don’t get it that time I offer to buy coffee’s or to get the next one. My parents have always operated this way, even though my dad makes way more than my mom and usually always pays, she still offers. And they have an equal relationship. They will take turns. That’s how a healthy relationship should be, in my opinion.
But I do feel that the man should be paying the first, second, and maybe third time because he is trying to impress her and show her she is valued. After that, equality is best.
I have to agree with this. I went on a first date last week and the gentleman paid but before he did, I offered to pay my portion, he said he had it and I thanked him. We grabbed a second drink after and when the bill came, I paid. I said since he got the first, I would get the second. He got the bigger bill of the evening and I thought that was fair. I always appreciate a gentleman who pays and wants to the first date, it is noted and appreciated. However, I will always offer to help.
Hi, I have always been against letting them pay for everything, it makes me wonder what do they expect in return, then?
I have a situation, I would really appreciate it if someone gave me some advice.
There is a guy I met at a movie go-out (among others), where he striked me as someone not interested even in having a conversation with me. Then in another occasion, again a movie go-out, we had a single funny interaction, perhaps because my brother was also there and maybe they are buddies. And then later he asked me out, once again to watch a movie, this time just the two of us. I agreed, but just in case he was romantically interested (I am not) I did not dressed up or made my hair. Anyway I don’t usually put much effort in my appearance he he but I was conscious of not sending a wrong message. Unfortunately, I was not able to pay with my debit card, the system had trouble precisely with my account type. Damn it was a VIP room and I asked for antibacterial gel, extra butter, and huge popcorn size. We agreed next time was my turn paying. So time later I asked him out and he said he couldn’t. I wonder if he is not interested in going out because he realized I wasn’t attracted to him. Should I insist or let it be? Thanks in advance
I’m saved thanks to God, he’s got a pretty girlfriend :D
And I managed to pay ;)
If a guy asks you to pay he is not interested in you and is a cheap guy. Move on quickly.
I completely agree with this when I first started dating my hisband now in high school he had a job and I didn’t so I would ask my dad for money so that if I wanted anything I wouldn’t have to “make” him pay… although no matter what he would always pay… I never told my dad he would pay all of it though and I saved to get him a his favorite knife for Christmas that he couldn’t afford because we would constantly go out to the movies and dinner… I love him so much and I know that this is because he has always been my best friend… I never put him in the oh he’s my boyfriend so I should treat him different than any other person or act different because of who he is… and he has always been the same with me… being a friend I first is the most important thing in a relationship :)
You are absolutely wrong Matthew. Men should always pay and woman can show appreication with a smaller gesture every once in awhile.
Men want a hot sexy woman but that costs her money. Hair Stylist, makeup, sexy clothes and undergarments are very expensive, shoes, nails, waxing etc… If you want a sloppy woman in crappy sweatpants and messy hair, looking like she doesn’t care about herself then us woman will gladly pay half.
But paying our half is not romantic. Equal/equal is not romantic. It is roommate situation. Guys never treat your women like your best friend. Best friends don’t fuck. Guys treat your woman like a queen and she will treat you like a king. Women who are well taken care of by their men will do anything for them in bed. Blow jobs aren’t free. Men have to pay for them one way or another.
Ladies don’t buy Matthews advice on “paying” if you want to be with a real man. Every guy I have dated always payed my way for everything and even just my guy friends, being real gentlemen, always pay my way when we do friend things because they are real men. Men take care of women. If a guy doesn’t have his shit together enough to take care of you move on. You should make him want to be a better man. A man would never dream of not paying for his dream girl. If a man insists you pay once in awhile then you are not his dream girl and what woman wants to be the girl some guy settles for or doesn’t treat like a queen. I have many married friends who never once paid for anything and their men are glad to do it. Always show appreciation for what a man does for you and he will be happy with that in return. A man feels more like a man when he is able to make a woman happy. Don’t just say Thank You in a nonchalant way but say it with enthusiasm and sincerity. If a man sees how excited you get for the little things he does for you, he will want to keep doing them for that reward of causing such a reaction in you. Trust me. Matthew is totally wrong on this one. Cheap men want women to attempt to pay. Real men know it is implied he is taking care of the bill. If a man wants a Hot woman he has to pay because she pays a lot to stay hot looking for him.
Here is my way:
1 case: He takes u out for a date, he invites you,he chooses a place himself without you being involved in choice, its kinda surprise- I let him pay with appreciation and tell him it wouldnt be so easy for me to compete with him in choosing a place, but i will try my best ;)
2 case: Both of you choosing where to go, you are involved in choice, your opinion is matter – you paying for your order :)
The guy I am with suddenly stop snogging me I ask for a kiss and he given me his cheek he said no your not kissing me on the lips but still like sex with me but no kisses.I asked him in joking manner dose my breath stink he said no. I asked the question and he said please don’t start and when he kiss me goodbye he gave a kiss little song. I just said that’s better.
Thank you, I hage just beedn searchng for info aboht
thjis subjectt for ages annd yours iss tthe greatrest I have found out sso far.
But, wht concerning thee conclusion? Aree you certain concerning thee supply?
when i dated ny exfince over 50 years ao he was vvery poor but alwats paid at debbt orsome chaper place he could afrd. over the years i chipped in due to his circumstaneces, boght him nice chrristmas presents an treated sometimes. he alsogave ne toses periodically. we never quibbled over who paid for what, he was a real gentleman ann unfortunately he passes away 3 months ago. these men now days sould no even tjink about getting married their mothers raised them to be self centered little boys