We all know the feeling. We start speaking to or dating someone and we begin to get excited about them . . . but then as soon as we show interest, they start to pull away.

If you’re sick of feeling like every time you like someone, they pull away . . . this video will give you the tools you need to make that happen.

Matthew:

Why it is that so many people have the experience of showing interest and then when they show interest, all of a sudden that person starts to lose interest? What is that?

Stepehen:

Is that a thing that, is it an illusion or is that a real thing that happens? Are there people who get interest from someone and they are turned off by it?

Matthew:

Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? Is it just, are we really saying here that it’s just, because this is a claim I think a lot of people make, when they say this always happens, I show interest and they disappear. That would be to suggest that showing interest itself is inherent unattractive.

Stephen:

Right.

Matthew:

And it would be hard to argue the truth of that statement.

Stephen:

It leads to those stalemates of no one dares wants to take one step forward or put themselves on the line because they think, I’m going to lose the chess game if I show any interest.

Matthew:

Right. So, I think we should almost break this down into what are the causes of someone losing interest once we show our interest? What categories could that phenomenon fall into? I’d like to start and I’m wondering what you think of this, Steve, with a simple idea that some people are not looking for what you are looking for or are unhealthy emotionally.

Stephen:

Yes.

Matthew:

So, those are two separate things. They’re not necessarily the same thing, but let’s just start with those two things. What are your thoughts on those two, Steve?

Stephen:

Yes, I agree. So, the first one may be that once you show a level of interest that freaks them out, they realize, oh, I don’t want to commit to this person this much. I was attracted to them. I was having fun with them. I was enjoying dating, but they’re really into me. And they might be like, “I’m backing off now because I’ve gotten in too deep or I don’t want to go where this person’s taking me.” I think that is a real phenomenon that happens to people.

Matthew:

That’s exactly right. So, that you can’t put, you can’t make that a personal issue. You just have to say, some people are not ready for a real relationship and that’s why they’re backing off when they realize that I am ready for a real relationship. And we have to start seeing that as a positive, not a negative, that if I learn that someone doesn’t want a real relationship and that makes them go away, well, how is I going to get them to stay? By pretending I didn’t want a real relationship? All that means is I’m deferring my hurt to some time down the road when I finally admit that I want more and then guess what, you’re going to get the exact same answer, which is I’m scared. I don’t want more. I didn’t sign up for this.

Stephen:

And the truth is about that guy is that he may have already felt that way from the very beginning of you dating. It’s not that you brought it up and suddenly showed too much interest and now he’s like, “I’m out.” He may have never planned to take things further, but it’s only because you prompted the conversations that he’s now backing off.

Matthew:

In that sense, what you’re experiencing is just a revealing of what someone’s intentions have been all along. So, we can kind of roll that out as not just something not to feel bad about, but actually a good thing that you should feel proud of yourself in the moments where you showing a greater interest reveals that someone has no intention of making something more of this situation with you. Though there is a different, there is something that doesn’t fall into that category, which is when you bringing up your interest in someone, when you showing more interest actually does have an effect on them. It does repel them. And this is the case of someone being emotionally unhealthy themselves.

Stephen:

Yes.

Matthew:

So, in this situation, there’s different ways of looking at it. One is someone else having issues with themselves, low self-esteem, they don’t prize themselves highly, they haven’t truly accepted themselves. So, this can create one of a couple of effects.

Stephen:

And it could also be the beginning bit, right? The very early moment where you show a bit of interest on Tinder or something and someone’s like, “Oh no, this person’s too easy.” They’re always looking for the difficult to catch fish and someone who likes them is like, “Oh no, they want me too easily. They must be lower value than I am.”

Matthew:

Yes. So, I think this is some distinctions have to be made because that’s definitely a phenomenon. I see this kind of being a couple of different things. You have the person who doesn’t actually think a lot of themselves. So, this is the, I’m hideous. So, if you like me, you must be hideous effect.

Stephen:

Groucho Marx.

Matthew:

Right.

Stephen:

I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member.

Matthew:

Exactly. So, this is the kind of self-loathing phenomenon. I don’t like myself. I don’t value myself. So, if you like me, then you must not have much value.

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Matthew:

I wanted to let you know that if you’re enjoying this subject matter, we have a free guide on exactly this that’s super practical. It’s at the website, whyhesgone.com. This free guide outlines the five reasons why someone may disappear when you show your interest. Go to WhyHesGone.com and I’ll see you over there.

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Matthew:

The other side of it is someone who their relationship with happiness is one of constantly trying to attain something that they think will make them happy once they get it. A simple example of this in commercial terms is, I don’t know, why does American Express have a platinum card? It’s so that people who have a regular AmEx can have something to aspire to, right? Now, what’s the difference?

Unless I’m spending a fortune every month, why would I want a platinum with a much higher limit over a regular AmEx? Because I think that something about having that platinum card in my wallet is going to make me happier. Now, I get the platinum card. And AmEx says, “By the way, did you know Jay-Z has a Black Card.

He has an AmEx Black Card. Don’t you want the Black Card?” And you go, “Wait, what’s that one?” And they go, “It’s a super special AmEx we have. There’s very few people who have it.” And now you want that one. Why? Is it going to change your life? On some level, we must think, “Ah, that’s going to make me happier if I could just get that one.” And you can guarantee that after that, by the way, AmEx, there probably is some super special AmEx that us mere mortals don’t even know about. Some sort of AmEx club that Jay-Z is trying to get into.

Stephen:

It’s just Bezos and Elon Musk and that’s it.

Matthew:

But when you hear about that club, you go, “Oh, I want to be in that club.” Because what it’s really about is this obsession with attainment, this obsession with, “I need something else. I think that’s going to make me happier.” That line in Hamilton, I’ll never be satisfied. It’s that feeling of… That phrase is very, very powerful. I’ll never be satisfied. I’m always looking for the bigger thing, the better thing, the more exclusive club. And you can never, for someone like that, you can never be a great enough club for them not to be looking for another exclusive club, because guess what, the moment you show interest in a person like that, you’re no longer the exclusive club.

The moment you show interest to a person like that, you’ve accepted them. And acceptance is a turnoff for them because acceptance means I already won. And there’s a different win now to go for. So, now they go for the, what’s the bigger kill, what’s the bigger win, what’s the more exclusive club? You can never be that club once you actually accept someone. You can never again be the exclusive club to them because you accepted them, you invited them in. To someone like that, there’s the people, I guess the way the distinction I’m drawing is that there are people that have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with themselves where they loathe themselves and that’s why they immediately think that you must not be great if you like them. And then there’s the people that have a really unhealthy relationship with happiness where they think that the happiness is always in the getting, never in the having.

And once they have you, they can no longer get you. That’s one group. Now, we also shouldn’t be worried about scaring off someone like that. So, we might say so does that just mean that all of this phenomenon of me showing interest and someone losing their interest once I show mine is just all about these people that I should be happy I’m repelling, because they’re wrong for me. They’re either not ready. They don’t want the same things as me or they’re emotionally unhealthy or they have an unhealthy relationship with happiness. Maybe, but there is another category.

Stephen:

Yes

Matthew:

And this is the one where we have to look at ourselves.

Stephen:

Yes

Matthew:

This is the self reflective part of this equation, which is perhaps one of the reasons I’m losing interest when I’m showing interest is in the manner in which I show interest.

Stephen:

Yep

Matthew:

So, let’s talk about that, Steve. I’m curious to know what your thoughts are on this.

Stephen:

I think it’s in what, not just intensity perhaps of interest, but in what you’re showing an interest in and people are not stupid and they can feel if, for example, your interest is only in fulfilling some empty relationship shaped hole in your life where you just are needing a relationship to plug up certain gaps in your self-esteem and you have turned them into an idealized version of themselves and they can feel like they have this unearned level of attention and affection. And they think this person is turning me into the source of their whole world and someone can freak out then and be like the level of..the interest they have is not just about me, it’s about them needing to fix something that they feel is broken about them.

Matthew:

That’s absolutely right. Now, what would you say are the key signs? What are the ways that we telegraph that we are valuing someone more than we should for the stage of attraction we’re in? That we are not actually getting to know them organically, but have really quickly made up our minds about them in an unhealthy way? That we are moving a pace that is making someone start to take a step back? What are the practical things that someone should watch out for in their own behavior that might be telegraphing the wrong things in those early stages and pushing someone away?

Stephen:

I think it’s perhaps the way you are… What you are deciding about them early on. If you are not look looking at their behavior but you are just so bowled over and bought into them really quickly before they’ve actually had any time to prove to you why they would be a great boyfriend or why they really, really care about you and they’re not prioritizing you yet in your life, but you are living for them. You find yourself dropping things that would otherwise have been important to you for them. Suddenly your work is a backseat. Suddenly your friends are a backseat. And if you know you have that tendency to just suddenly start dropping things, I think that’s a warning sign.

Matthew:

I have always thought that the way that we get attracted to people in unhealthy ways and invest in unhealthy ways has a lot of parallels in the way that people behave around celebrities.

Stephen:

Yeah.

Matthew:

When we have a favorite celebrity, we often like them or admire them for some pretty one dimensional reasons, right? That your favorite musician, you really like probably because they’re really great at being a musician. They play that guitar really well or they have an amazing voice or you really like their songs. Your favorite actor you like, because they play a role really well in a movie. They’re a great actor. This has almost nothing to do with who they are as a person because you don’t know who they are as a person. And it certainly has nothing to do with what they’re investing in you because they don’t even know you. And yet when someone meets their favorite celebrity, what celebrities are used to is that that person falls over themselves to try to meet that celebrity, impress them, they do anything for them. They go out of their way in completely unreasonable ways for that celebrity.

Matthew:

So, what’s that really about? It’s about overvaluing this quality in a person and deciding how much we like them when we really have no idea who they even are. Now, let’s bring it back to people’s love lives for a moment. People could say, “Well, I’ve seen this person like two or three times now and it’s not just their looks, I really like them. I think they’re a really interesting person.” What you have to understand that it’s still kind of one dimensional. Even if you think they’re really interesting and they’ve been great on a date, you’re still seeing them in very few dimensions. You don’t know a lot about them. So, you have to ask yourself how much interest is truly rational right now for how well I know this person and what are some of the mistakes that I could make if I overvalue this person right now? Well, I start giving up every night of the week. I start bombarding their phone with messages and when they don’t text me back, I send another one.

I respond to last-minute requests constantly from them because I just want to be near them. So, even if I had other plans, at the last minute I’ll drop whatever it is I have going on in order to see them. I’ll do anything I can just to be near them. I ignore the fact that I’m giving and they’re taking. That they’re just taking and taking and taking. I’m just giving, giving, giving because I just want to get closer and closer and closer. And when people see these things, they start to get concerned that well, this person, well, perhaps I get concerned, oh, this I’m starting to get a strange feeling here. I don’t know if this person’s giving me this? This person can’t be giving me or attention because I’ve earned it because I haven’t and it can’t be because I’m giving them so much back because I’m not.

So, this must be to do with their value now. It must be to do with the fact that either they don’t really value themselves, which isn’t attractive or it’s to do with the fact that they’ve overvalued me, which means they’re not really seeing me or it’s to do with the fact that what they want has nothing to do with me. What they want is a relationship. What they want is a goal, whatever their goal is but it has very little to do with me. And that’s starting to creep me out because I’m now feeling detached from any real connection with this person. All I’m really seeing is someone who’s driving after a goal and a preset agenda that they have that existed before they met me. So, we can solve that by if we decide we like someone, there’s nothing wrong with showing that you like someone a little bit. You have to give them a little bit, but you don’t necessarily have to give them more than that.

And even if you say, “Yeah, but I’m so attracted to this person.” You can be so attracted to this person, but how attracted you are and what boundaries you have are very different things. Being so attracted doesn’t have to mean having no boundaries. You can still say, “Yeah, I am massively attracted to someone.” You can even say that to someone, but it doesn’t mean that you’re willing to see them every night of the week. It doesn’t mean that you’re going to chase them. It doesn’t mean that if you see behavior you don’t like, you’re not going to call it out. It doesn’t mean they’re going to get more of your attention unless they start showing you more of their attention. This is the fundamental mistake people make. Be wildly attracted to someone, think someone is incredibly sexy. You know what’s powerful, someone knowing that you think they’re incredibly sexy and attractive and also knowing that that has no effect on your behavior when it comes down to what choices you make.

Stephen:

Oh yeah. That’s incredibly powerful. If people see that like that’s not enough for them to compromise their self respect or they’ll still put up boundaries or express when they disagree, it’s like, man, they’re not controlled by that emotion.

Matthew:

And that’s what makes someone a powerful person is, “Oh, you are not going to override what’s good for you because you are attracted to me.” And that doesn’t mean that someone needs to know or all of the ways that you’re really attracted to them right now. They can get to know that a little more slowly. But ultimately it’s about measuring, it’s about seeing everything in its proper place. If I’m valuing things right, then the fact that you score a nine for me in the physical attraction box doesn’t change the fact that you are not even at a two yet in terms of being there for me in difficult situations or connecting with me on the deepest possible level of accepting my flaws and my darker side and who I am. How could you possibly be scoring anything on that scale right now?

I haven’t told you any of that stuff. I haven’t even shown you the worst parts of me. I haven’t even given you a chance to accept the more difficult parts of me yet. So, how could I possibly know whether you’re right for me on that level? I can’t. So, while I get to know what we could be in all of these really major categories, I may demonstrate that I like you, but that’s not going to be met by an incredible amount of investment. I’m still going to give you a little bit and see if you meet me there.

But if what you do when you’re interested in someone is give and give and give, and then they take, and then you give. You don’t wait to see if they give back, you just start giving again, that’s what starts to creep someone out. Because they go, “Uh-oh, what’s going on here? I just took and I didn’t give anything back.” Now, they may not consciously realize this. A lot of people won’t consciously realize it because sometimes when we’re around someone who gives a lot, the instinct is to take. The instinct is just to enjoy what they’re giving, but we will unconsciously begin to take it for granted what they’re giving. And when we take something for granted, we don’t associate with earning it. And so, we just wait for it to come to us. We might even be repelled by it because we go, “Oh, this feels icky.

I’m not even giving to this situation and this person keeps giving. There’s something icky about this.” And then we get a bad feeling and then we start to drift away because something about this situation gives us a bad feeling because something about someone giving and giving and giving, even though we are not giving back feels unreliable. It feels like a manipulation. It feels like someone who’s not stable. It feels like someone who doesn’t have rules in place. And all of these things can make us a little afraid. I can’t trust a person who doesn’t have any boundaries around themselves. I can’t trust that they’ll do what’s right for themselves. I can’t trust that their feelings around me are real. Because if their feelings around me were real, they should be turned off by this. This should have affected the situation, but it hasn’t. So, what are their feelings based on? Oh, there’s something else going on with this person.

There’s some other stuff I don’t know about, I’m not aware of. There’s a side of this person that’s not good, that’s dark or unhappy or desperate or hurt or trying to fix something that has nothing to do with me and all of that feels like, “Ish, I’m going to push away here.”

Stephen:

And fundamentally, they don’t feel like they have to raise their game around you. They’re just like, it doesn’t matter what I do. So, I don’t feel that hunger, that drive around them to be my better self.

Matthew:

People love to buy. They hate to be sold. People love to buy. They hate to be sold. Steve, it could be an exciting thing if we were suddenly like, why don’t we go on a shopping spree today? Let’s go buy some really cool shit. And we went out with that intention, that would be exciting. If we walked through a marketplace on the very same day and people were like, “Come into my store, come into my store. I’ve got these things you’re really going to like. Come, come, come.” All of a sudden we’d be like, “Get me out of here.”

Same thing. It’s just an exchange of money that in the latter scenario, you physically want to remove yourself from that space. When we try too hard because we like someone, they start feeling like they’re being sold. We’re not giving them the space to sell themselves on us. When I have an amazing date with you and then I tell you I had a great time, but then I create some space and I see if you come forward to meet me where I am, I’m giving you space to sell yourself. I’m giving you room to miss me. I’m giving you room to think about me. And this is true on every level. This can be true within a relationship. If your partner goes away for an hour or two, if you’ve been together all day and your partner goes away for an hour or two, if you text them every second of the time that you’re apart, you’re not giving them space to just think about you. And I know you are making them think about you, but you’re making them think about you as an aggressive act.

I’m putting myself on your mind every second of the next two hours. But what if I took a step back and I said, I’m going to let you think about me now on your terms. I’m going to allow you to imagine me, to think about me, to process your thoughts about me. I’m going to give you the space to do that. Now by the way, if you do that and someone never comes forward, if all they do is disappear, that’s different. Then the next time they come back into your life, you have to be willing to say, if it’s four weeks later, you have to be willing to call them out on the fact that they disappeared for four weeks, right? “I thought we had a great date. You vanished. What happened?” You can say that, but on a smaller scale, we have to create those spaces for people to sell themselves on us.

Stephen:

Yes. Space is powerful. Giving someone space to assess, think about it, miss something, get desire up, there’s a lot going on there.

Matthew:

And by the way, when you’re creating that space, what are you doing? When you’ve given them space, what are you finding yourself doing? Are you just the person who’s now sitting there waiting? I hope they’re thinking about me. I hope they are doing something that’s, they’re going to text me any minute now. And you’ve created space, but it’s all just a rouse. You’re sitting there by your phone simply waiting for the next time that they text. Or are you someone who is showing that you have your own life, your own things that you value? Do you have your own opinions on things or are your opinions just their opinions? Do you have your own sense of self? Do you have autonomy over your own happiness? A sense of self validation, a sense of boundaries, these are the things that make someone attracted even when you are showing interest.

Because I am showing that my whole world isn’t whether you like me or not. I like you, but I can move on the moment I realize you’re not there with me because I have autonomy over my life and my happiness, my moods, my direction of travel, not in a fearful way, not in a, “You didn’t text me for a day, so I just assumed you didn’t like me and I’m out.” That’s fearful. That’s another form of protectionism. I’m so guarded that the moment I even feel slightly threatened, I jump out of my skin, right? That’s not safety, that’s not autonomy over my own mood, my confidence. It’s oh, if I sense that I like you and I have a curiosity about you and where this could go and I’ve expressed an interest in seeing you again but I’m not feeling the same thing from you, then slowly my attention returns to other things in my life. That little space that had opened up for that possibility begins to shift to something else.

That’s how you remain valuable while you’re showing interest in somebody else. Ultimately, when two well balanced, healthy people who want the same thing are attracted to each other, progress is an organic thing, progress is natural. If it feels unnatural, either because it’s too fast or it’s static, or frankly someone disappears, it’s the result of either mismatched intentions or an emotionally unhealthy or hurt person on one side of the equation, whether it’s them in their ability to receive interest or ours in the inorganic or destructive way that we demonstrate interest.

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Matthew:

I really want you to watch this next video, I think is going to make a big difference in your life. A guy comes along, who you find yourself drawn to on every level. But after an initial attraction, this guy disappears. He stops being responsive. He goes cold and you are left wondering why this depressing scenario took place.