Will He Commit? See Which Of These 4 Relationships You Have…

Last week we talked about why so many women feel like they have “dating burnout” in 2019.

It can be a confusing time to be single. It may even feel like there are no men anymore who even want a real relationship. But real love is still out there: we just have to be smart about how we find it. Watch this video and claim the relationship you truly deserve…

Get Ready to Create Your Relationship Castle!
Be the First to Hear My Announcement…

I am on a mission right now to talk on behalf of those people who are committed to creating something real in their love lives.

The people who want a real relationship, something lasting.

The people who are sick of the current dating scene. The hookup culture, the mindless casual dating, the mixed signals they’re getting from guys who ghost them, breadcrumb them, show tons of interest and then spontaneously disappear.

If you’re one of these people, I know you will have loved the last video because I talked about the trap that people fall into when they feel like nothing’s come along in awhile. All of a sudden they meet someone they like, and then they over invest, value it too much, and do the wrong things, because they care too much.

Now what I’m about to show you is a continuation of this idea, is a real world example where you’ll see it happening. I was live on a radio show. One of the biggest radio shows in the world. We were on the air, I was getting ready to do my thing, and then something very unexpected happened.

One of the interns… One of the women who worked on the show was called into the studio spontaneously for me to fix her love life live on the air. What I spoke about with her, I believe, is one of the most important concepts I have ever talked about, and I want you to have that concept today.

So check out this clip, and watch all the way till the end, because afterwards, I have something very exciting to share with you.


Elvis Duran: “It’s not fair for you, who are an expert in relationships, to have everyone like get in line, and start asking you questions.”

Matthew Hussey: “Well actually… What was said… Who’s the lovely lady outside who asked me a question? Was it Samantha?

“Samantha… Samantha actually touched on something that I wanted to talk about today, ’cause she said ‘My love life is in a shambles.’”

Elvis Duran: “Well let’s talk about… Can we bring her in?”

Staff: “Yeah.”

Elvis Duran: “Does she wanna talk about her love life in a shambles?”

Matthew Hussey: “Ah… I feel bad now, ’cause I’ve thrown her under the bus.”

Elvis Duran: “By the way, before you get started with this. You don’t have to talk about this on the radio.

Samantha (Intern): “I’m fine.”

Elvis Duran: “Okay.”

Matthew Hussey: “Oh wow.”

Elvis Duran: “I mean, you’re an intern here. You’re still gonna pass with flying colors. [Laughter] So, Samantha’s here…”

Samantha: “I’m getting a free session, so it’s cool.”

Elvis Duran: “Well, we use the word complimentary.”

Samantha: “Yeah.”

Elvis Duran: “’Cause the word free is so cheap and tawdry.”

Samantha: “Yeah, complimentary is a lot more fancy.”

Matthew Hussey: “I’m not cheap and tawdry, am I Elvis?”

Elvis Duran: “Yes you are.”

Matthew Hussey: “Okay. Fair enough.”

Elvis Duran: “But in like a sexy way.

“Alright, so Samantha pulled you aside on the way in, Matthew, and what did she say to you?”

Matthew Hussey: “She said, ‘My love life is in a shambles.’

“And I said, ‘Why? Is that ’cause you haven’t got anyone, or because you’ve got someone, and it’s kind of a nightmare?’

She said, ‘Both.’

So, what’s the situation?”

Samantha: “Um, it’s like… You know the word ‘situation-ship’?”

Matthew Hussey: “Yeah.”

Samantha- Intern: “Times a million.”

Matthew Hussey: “So he’s not committing to you?”

Samantha: “No.”

Elvis Duran: “Well explain that. What does that mean to you?”

Samantha: “So okay. So we’ve been on and off for like the past three years, and there’s been no commitment, but it was like… It was unspoken kinda… So… ”

Matthew Hussey: “What does that mean?”

Samantha: “Like it was supposed to be okay with no commitment at first, but I felt like maybe after a certain amount of time it would start to move forward.”

Matthew Hussey: “So you pretended you were more okay with being casual than you really were.”

Samantha: “Yeah, and then I turned psycho, because I tried to hold it in for so long and then…”

Matthew Hussey: “And then you built up all this resentment. And then how did psycho come out in that moment? How did you go off the rails when you suddenly built up to a breaking point? What did you do?”

Samantha: “I just screamed, ‘I’m not doing this anymore!’ With a few more words that I can’t say on radio.”

Elvis Duran: “Hey, you know what? May I just say something? You didn’t go psycho. You did what any of us in our right mind would have done.”

Matthew Hussey: “Listen, here’s the thing for you. This situation wasn’t working for you. You held it in, because you were afraid to ask a question that had an answer you were afraid of.”

Elvis Duran: “What was the question? Say it out loud.”

Matthew Hussey: “The question was, ‘What are we? Where is this going? Are you ever actually gonna take this thing seriously? Is there any chance you’re actually going to commit, or are we gonna do this dance forever?’ Right?”

Samantha: “Exactly.”

Matthew Hussey: “Yeah.”

Elvis Duran: “Matthew, it sounds like she’s in like a really long fling.”

Matthew Hussey: “Well that is the story of relationships right now.”

Elvis Duran: “What is that?”

Matthew Hussey: “Is that people are in these long-term situations with people that they’re not actually in a relationship with, and I… Here’s the question I pose to people–’cause I think it’s coming up all the time right now–is, how do you get over someone you never really dated?

“And there are tons of people right now who are grieving someone that they never had.

“I think there are like four stages of, like, importance in a relationship, and we have to give each one its proper place, ’cause a lot of us are crying over something we shouldn’t be crying about.

“There’s admiration.

“That’s just when there’s some hot person around who you really like. They’ve got great qualities. You’re really into them, and you’re like, ‘Oh my god. I’m obsessed with this person.’ Well this is kind of silly, because this person may not even know you exist. May not even know… May not have any attraction toward you, but you’ve made them really important. That’s admiration.

“The next one’s chemistry.

“Chemistry is when there’s actually a mutual attraction, right? And plenty of people are convincing themselves that it’s so sad that they’re not with someone that they have mutual attraction with. Well that’s not important either, ’cause you can have mutual attraction with tons of people. So here’s the third stage of importance, right? It’s not chemistry, ’cause chemistry isn’t a good indicator of like, ‘Oh, you’re gonna be a great partner to me.’

“The third one is commitment, right?

“I admire you, we have chemistry, and you’re willing to commit to me, and I’m willing to commit to you. That’s the third stage. Now that’s an important stage. He’s not got there…”

Samantha: “I was gonna say that we’re dancing on a thin line between stage two and three.”

Matthew Hussey: “Exactly.

“And then the fourth stage is I admire you, we have chemistry, we’re committed, and we’re compatible.

“You love me the way I wanna be loved, and I’m able to love you the way that I want to love, and so few people have that. And what I’m seeing everywhere is people crying over somebody as if they were in stage four, but they’re not.”

Staff: “But, I have a question. If maybe you’re not in stage four, but that doesn’t… That doesn’t take away from maybe you feel something so deep that you feel like, maybe at least you, yourself was connected to them.”

Matthew Hussey: “Okay, so let me ruin that for everyone.”

Elvis Duran: “Okay good.” [Laughter]

Staff: “Thanks, Matthew!” [Laughter]

Matthew Hussey: “Let me tell you about the castle, okay?

“I had…

Elvis Duran: “The castle?”

Matthew Hussey: “The castle, yeah.”

Elvis Duran: “The castle…”

Matthew Hussey: “I had a live event for women in Dublin, and there was a woman there who said, I am…

She said, ‘You have to help me. I’m obsessed with this guy. I’m so in love with him. He’s so perfect for me. We have such a great…’

“I said, ‘What’s the problem?’

‘He’s in a relationship.’”

Staff: “Oh…”

Matthew Hussey: “I said, okay… No, to be fair to this woman. She wasn’t trying to break him and his girlfriend up. She was basically asking me, ‘How do I get over this guy? How do I stop feeling so much?’ Like you said, Danielle. How do I stop feeling so much for this person who’s not giving me what I want?

“I think of chemistry and connection, which is the thing we all overvalue, as two people coming to a plot of land.

“This plot of land has a lot of potential. Maybe it’s on the hillside. Maybe it’s next to a lake. Maybe it’s got a beautiful forest view. It’s an amazing place to build. Now, it’s still just a plot of land, right? That’s all it is. Now what you need is two builders. You need two people who actually are willing to construct a castle together, and that takes time, and it takes effort, and it takes investment, and it takes two people who really wanna do it, and as you build the castle it becomes more and more beautiful. It becomes more and more yours. There are secret passageways no one else knows about, rooms, places in that castle that are beautiful. Over time the weather starts to erode the stone in beautiful and unique ways that make that castle unlike any other castle in the world, because it’s yours.

“You can’t build a castle on your own, and I see people everywhere right now…

“That woman, she’s talking about this guy, and thinking about him, and investing in him… Right? The same way you are right now. And here’s what that is. It’s you on a plot of land, hammering. [Hammering.] And you’re doing it on your own.

“Meanwhile, there’s some builder who’s gone AWOL. Who’s not even there, and when a guy sends a text, and says six weeks later, ‘Thinking of you.’ And he’s barely been around… That’s the equivalent of a builder calling into the construction site going, ‘How’s the castle going?’” [Laughter]

“Meanwhile you’re there… [hammering] building the castle.

“It doesn’t work like that.

“People have to start valuing the castle over the connection, ’cause the connection you can find again, but a castle… That’s worth something, and a castle you can only get by finding a genuine builder. You don’t have a builder, you just have a connection.”

Staff: “Wow. Wow…”

Samantha: “Yeah, somewhat, ’cause in his defense, he’s like not a bad person at all. He’s like great with family and everything, but…”

Matthew Hussey: “That’s what makes him so dangerous by the way.”

Samantha: “Why? I think so…”

Matthew Hussey: “’Cause it’s easy to ditch someone who’s mean to you. Right? Right. But someone who’s actually not a bad person will slowly ruin your life forever.”

Samantha: “Wow.”

Staff: “Damn, Matthew!”


I wanna repeat this idea, because it is so important:

People overvalue the connection and undervalue the castle.

And when we overvalue the connection we start doing anything to please that person, regardless of whether they’re actually building the castle with us.

We try and please them, we do whatever they ask, because we just wanna be liked–and by the way, we forget in the process that respect is the real basis for attraction, not being liked, but we don’t go for respect. We’re coming from a place of fear in trying to hold on to them.

In order to create the deeper level attraction that comes from respect, we have to start having different standards and expectations from the person we’re with.

Now that requires confidence, and it requires competence. The confidence to stick to those standards, and the competence to know how to portray them, and communicate them.

See, I don’t doubt for a second that that wonderful woman I got to work with on the show has attraction from that guy.

I don’t doubt for a second that he likes her, but, she doesn’t have the respect she deserves right now, because she hasn’t set the boundaries, and expectations that will get her what she wants, and this message seems to have resonated with a ton of you, because since the last video I have had so many emails from people asking me about that live event I did.

If you saw the last video, you’ll know I did a live, private event that was invite-only for my closest clients, and I literally spent the entire day talking about how to go from just attraction to getting real commitment.

So what is the mechanics of making sure something turns into a real relationship, instead of getting stuck in that fast food dating cycle that so many people do that ultimately doesn’t make them happy.

Well, the people that emailed me jumped the gun a little bit, ’cause I actually have something I’m excited to share with you, but I can not do it today.

So, here’s what I’m gonna do.

Very soon, there is an announcement coming about something I am extraordinarily excited to share with you, but it is going to be announced first to my private list.

If you’re not on that right now, go get on that list, and you’ll be the first to find out what I’m talking about.

All you need to do is go here, TellMeMatt.com. Put in your email address, and you’ll be safe in the knowledge that I will tell you first.

I’m gonna tell the public at large afterwards.

Alright. That’s it for now.

I’m excited. I will see you soon.

29 Responses to Will He Commit? See Which Of These 4 Relationships You Have…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Sen says:

    Hi Matthew,
    I’m friend with a guy for last 2 years.
    How to get him (my male best friend) to commit? We admire each other, support each other and even flirt very often. He even says that I’m the closest girl in his life, publicly. What to do next?

  2. Joy Amheyi says:

    Thanks Matt,
    In the case where the guy has a girlfriend and he is saying he needs someone to make happy and you eventually start dating him, one month, two, three and he is still with the girl and keep telling you that you make him happier than the other girl but he is still dating her though he try all his best to be that guy that you wanted almost want you to have a baby for him. what will you advise?

  3. Tamara Oyarzabal says:

    Hi Matthew,
    I have been following you now for a few years and find your advice to be incredibly insightful and very helpful,so thank you for that.How did I miss your Miami trip?Kicking myself over that!Hope you come back soon!I am dating a much younger man and I am hoping it will be an amazing relationship in spite of the age difference and also differences in lifestyle.I have two questions for you today:
    1) In spite of knowing I should have maybe held on for at least one more date before accepting “Netflix & Chill” ,I did not so now he comes over (and I love it) but I would also like to go out and do couple stuff together that isn’t just at home.I hint at that and he says yes but the additional problem here is that every time he has come over ,I cook for him and,naturally,he doesnt have to pay.If we go out,as we did on our first date) he only paid his half.I am on a tight budget (as is he) and would not like to be the one paying for everything.How do I bring this up tactfully with him?
    2) In spite of my guy being almost 42,he still dresses as if he was 22.I dont think the guy even owns a pair of pants that are not cargo shorts(which I really hate) and not a dress shirt in sight…he actually dresses in t-shirts with cartoon characters on them.And let’s not forget the ubiquitous baseball cap turned backwards,which actually makes me cringe.He is really gorgeous,has an amazing body and I like to dress nicely and according to my age,not my shoe size (in the words of the great Prince).I want to introduce him to my friends and family but definitely not with him looking like a college kid on a camping trip.How do I bring this up tactfully to him too?
    Thank you in advance for such incredible advice.After 7 years as a divorced woman,I am excited about where this relationship might go but I do need some help from you.
    And let me know when you come back to Miami,please!!

  4. Amy says:

    Brilliant. All of it. A brilliant godsend.

  5. Lia says:

    That castle analogy is brilliant! I’m gonna use it.

  6. Lina says:

    POWERFUL STUFF!!! 100% true, thank you for this insight Matthew! really opened my eyes.

  7. Laurie says:

    This video has so much great content. I really liked your take on the 4 stages of relationships, especially the castle analogy!!! What a wonderful metaphor and explanation! And that last bit of advice that a good guy who doesn’t fully commit can be the most dangerous because he can slowly ruin your life forever. Wow! As always, Matt, I am impressed with your spot on replies when you’re posed with difficult questions. Thank you for sharing your insights with us every Sunday :)

  8. sharon phipps says:

    need to tell the guys this not us…it shouldn’t be up to us to tell them to be more involved in a relationship…also when you first start talking to a guy u like…they always seem to ask what we want out of a relationship? that’s when we need to tell them all of this…if he runs oh well at least you haven’t spent time wasting…but if he knows and still does this???happens a lot…

  9. Suz says:

    Yep this is my situation – an unavailable man who i really like and who keeps flirting and confusing me. without coming across in a negative way, how do you share those standards to say i deserve better? i dont want to stop speaking to him but it’s not fair on me. it would be good to understand how to manage it when you see someone almost every day. thank you

  10. Eleanor says:

    Hi Matthew,

    I appreciate that you are going into more “theoretical” stuff about love and romance in your recent videos. This one and the previous one on modern dating culture are both enlightening and they really “blow my mind”. They have helped me think more deeply about my personal values and standards, as well as my attitude towards the men in my social circle. Thank you very much and I look forward to more informative and inspiring videos like these two from you.

  11. rosalie aguilucho says:

    No money

  12. soolmaz says:

    Hi Math
    I am soolmaz razmjooei ,got my post graduated diploma in uk ,i am applaying for your job vacancy that ì saw in your instagram a few month ago,Ì am a person,who reading phycolgist book a lot and every day working on myself too.I sort out lots of friends and people relation ship.also I know how a girl can find his right man.I would lkie to work in your company and be as your college,I would appreciate your consideration of my mail
    looking forward to hearing from you,
    kind regards,

  13. Cathy E Martensen says:


    I know and believe that everything you said is true. My problem–“MY” problem, is that I am putting off the inevitable–dealing with the hurt. I suffer from depression, take meds and see a therapist regularly, which helps tremendously, but I dread what going through the pain will do to me. In the meantime, I hurt a little every day. It’s like they say, a thousand paper cuts that eventually do you in. What can I do to manage the pain in suffering that I know I will have if I walk away from the exact situation that you discussed so well in this video?

  14. Janice says:

    Thank you, Matt. This came like serendipity. I was in a relationship that was already on stage three but as blunt as your advise is, I fell into the trap of accepting something that did not necessarily make me content (hard to say happy but maybe that too). I tried my very best to hold onto the connection and have forgotten who I really was. I can’t wait for your announcement. Thanks again for this powerful video. This gave me more strength than I can ever imagine.

  15. Sandra says:

    Hi watched your video and found it real interesting I would like to know more because everything you said is so very true ! I myself have been in bad relationships in the past ! I am now single again ! Trying dating sites ! I never realy had respect in past relationships ! And got treated badly ! I want to loved and respected and treated like a princess instead of like I’m nothing to these guys ! And not violence and control anymore ! Need help !!

  16. Kate says:

    Fabulous video. Makes me feel sick because it is so true. I know that’s exactly where I am – I’m minus a builder – but I’m just not ready to let go. It’s a bit like being told to trust and just jump off a cliff – it might be a short drop; it might be a huge drop; there might be a safety line, then again there might not. Catch 22.

  17. sue macpherson says:

    You are refreshing! And you advice leaves me focused on me.

  18. Amy says:

    This was so helpful. I’ve stopped looking when I felt “connection/chemistry” with someone so many times because I thought the connection WAS the act of building, in and of itself. OOPS! Thank you thank you thank you. I’m making the sticky note: “Value the castle over the connection.”

  19. Alice says:

    It’s definitely one of the best videos I’ve watched so far. Your analogies work so well.

  20. Lynda Abdo says:

    Great analogy, love the castle story. Keep up the great work!

  21. Rena says:

    Wow!! The relationship castle is such an enlightening concepy I love it.
    What you say about the confidence and competence really resonated with me. I consider myself confident but I don’t think I always convey that in the right way.
    I have watched many of your videos but this concept, just hit it out of the park! Thank you!

  22. Nnyambeni Mukondeleli Julia says:

    Woow I’m speechless after watching the video clip from the radio show. I have been dumped for being honest about how i feel and wanting someome who is ready to build a castle with me. And i have been feeling bad for 3weeks now, but after watching this video i might say my confidence is boosted.

  23. Harieyan says:

    I more likely to watch your video advice in terms of the relationship..specially this time.I get some ideas from u..thank you Matt
    I hope for the next video.

  24. Sabine says:

    I loved watching this. It kind of feels like we already are aware of so many of these points but somehow we don’t really “consider” them. That was very very constructive. Thank you Matt!

  25. Joy says:

    Wow! I liked this video coach Matt.
    Yes , to gain respect from the others or the person that we have with it’ s so important to have self-respect first & set those boundaries because it means you let him feel that you deserve for respect & standards but it doesn’t mean you’re so strict of your standard. It’s just shows that you’re worth being a woman.

    Thank you so much coach Matt for keep sharing with us your knowledge about relationship..


  26. Vera says:

    PS: For the ones who are keen to see his cute interaction with the dog, you should go watch the original video and fast-forward it to the minutes 21 and 28 of the podcast. This is sure to make you smile :`).

  27. Vera says:

    This is so intriguing that you’ve chosen to show this podcast. I came across it about two weeks ago (just shortly after you introduced the `3 dimensions concept` here on your blog) And I liked it so much that in the meantime I have watched it about 4 times and then started thinking that I should drop a comment here along the lines of: If you ever run out of ideas for your blog, you should make a video explaining the two other concepts you’ve talked about in the radioshow (Stages of importances concept and castle concept). And that’s what you’ve just did. I guess there was no need for me to drop any comment at all. However, I think each of the concepts would have deserved an own video. Anyhow, please keep on sharing your inspiring ideas with us!

  28. Cynthia Ortiz says:

    Matt, thank you so much for all your wisdom. I feel that everything you talk about is the story of my life when it comes to dating and relationships. I wish that you could be my private coach and help me. I wish there was a way for me to get in touch with you in the moment I feel vulnerable and miss my ex and need someone to talk to. I’ve watched all your videos and how to get my ex back and I just want to throw in the towel because I feel that he does not want me back. I tried communicating my standards and it backfired. I believe my ex never cared about me and never wanted a real commitment. And that’s what I want! Why do guys toy with your emotions?! How can they act like they care so much one day and then the next just drop you like a hot potato! I’m just so hurt and a mess at the moment. The one great thing is seeing your videos and getting your emails because they help me cope and are exactly what I need right now. Thank you Matt!

  29. Julie says:

    Awesome analogy with the “plot of land” & the “castle”. ;)

Read previous post:
How Modern Dating Culture Stops Him from Taking You Seriously

Do you feel like you have “dating burnout”? Like modern single life is a treadmill of flaky guys, false hope...