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Will You Ever Find ‘The One’?

This might get me in trouble… But there’s something today I have to tell you.

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80 Replies to “Will You Ever Find ‘The One’?”

  • Hi Matt!
    It’s the movies,songs,stories that makes us waiting,waiting,waiting in order to find our soulmate. The famous “the one” was pulled us back from searching and building something real. Thank you for the honest video and showing the reality. Thank you that you remind me the most important thing is building,investing which is not just passively waiting. I love your simplicity and methodic conversation style!!

    Thanks again,
    Love from Turkey

  • It is ludicrous, indeed, for people to approach the theory of “the one” as the ONE exclusion/exception out of the one billion men out there. With numbers like you did or [space] like I would put it, it IS geographically speaking foolish to believe that there is one and only one out there, somewhere, for each one of us. Lucky Jane for meeting him!

    I think that the concept of “the one” holds a severe misinterpretation and I have never believed in the restrictive interpretation of it. In many aspects of life, I have always tried to think outside the box, until someone I hold in high regard once said to me: ‘Manon don’t be fooled, there is no box!’

    … Eureka!

    Thus, does this mean “the one” does not exist per se? I believe so, yes.

    But of course, this is not to say that I haven’t learned to respect peoples’ differing opinions without the joy of a few debates. ;) Since the “box” is non-existent to me I am quite flexible and sobered up when this topic comes up.

    What I believe to commonly lead people to this misinterpretation are the traitorous terms “find” and “meet”. They should never be followed by “the one” in the first place.

    Quite frankly, “the one” is more of a theory than a reality.
    For the mere pleasure of playing with words:
    T.h.e. .o.n.e = 4 letters of t.h.e.o.r.y and only 2 letters of r.e.a.l.i.t.y (r and y). Make the equation.

    “The one” is not a ready meal shipped to your front door that you only have to shove into the microwave and then when it tastes disgusting, well it wasn’t the one after all, so throw it away. No.

    However, the art of the actual “one” lies within how the both of you craft your relationship; the reflection of that master piece will be “the one”. In other words, it is not the person it is the perception of that person. Remember “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”?

    Also, it is not about how “many people could be the one” but rather how “many people could beCOME the one”. This puts a rather more reassuring tone to the whole concept. It is not about guaranty (which is restrictive in terms of [space]) but a higher potential for any partner to have the opportunity of becoming “the one” ([time]). Also, it throws away that caging feature of “finding” and “meeting” that person. Perceiving it this way, lifts up the emotion of hope as there are more potential candidates out there than women actually imagine possible. And in that emotion of wanting to build up a relationship to create “the one” comes in your precious support Matt.

    I’d say, meet as many people as you can enjoy, invest as much as you should in the right persons. If you do not exalt in a relationship, and all efforts are in vein, move on and repeat the process.

    P.S.: Referring to Jameson TED in the background
    “A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!”

  • Thank you Matt.
    But this brings out the question; When should we decide that this relationship is worth working on, or leaving?

  • You r right! About The notion of ‘the one ‘ . It takes efforts , work, in building ‘ the one’ . It takes from both sides to build ‘ the one’. But not all have the ability , the knowledge of ‘the one’

  • Matt I have a question, that I would love for you to answer.

    I’m in a relationship with this great guy, we both love each other very much; however, when we had a discussion about whether or not we could see us being with each other in the long term he said he was very happy in our relationship and that he loves me, but he wasn’t sure if we would still be together because the future is always uncertain.

    I’m not going to lie I was a bit crushed and hurt when he said this. What should I do. Do I make him less of a priority because he is not interested in what I want in a relationship? Or do I change his mind somehow? I have no idea what to do. Please help.

    Thanks

  • I love it when you are totally honest in your videos about kind of controversial topics because, so long as you remain open to discussion and other’s opinions, it’s a great way to spark conversation among your viewers. I want to know what else you’re having a hard time telling the truth about what you actually believe!

    Someone should figure out how to find the approximate percentage of guys who have similar values to you out of all the guys within your approximate location and who speak the same language within your age group. I think that statistic would be encouraging, a lot of potential “the ones”.

  • I seriously love you more with each video.

    Cannot wait to see in New York on the 15th of Feb. I have so many questions for you, about not attracting the right guys or really not even getting asked out since I moved to the city.

    I really wish we could go to lunch next time you are here The Today Show. I work on 34th st, so it is not too far away. I know you are super busy though.

    Love, Kalee

  • Hey Matt,

    Another cool video, no doubt.

    I like the end of the video in which you decry the idea of “the one” as counterproductive to our need to be resilient in life. To some degree, you and I are on the same page about that.

    However, I think it’s more than just humans wanting things to be simple, as you say. Part of this romantic notion that each person has one and only one soulmate stems from evolution. It’s survivalist. The argument was that we’d better find “the one” fast so we could mate and then procreate. If we spent too much time (especially women) searching for “the one,” our clocks would run out and there’d be no more people.

    The issue now is that we’re at this crossroads in modern times. I believe we’re still dealing with many of these evolutionary hangovers (i.e. searching for this “perfect person” who will instantly get us and complete us, etc.). However, on the other side, we’re still very much figuring out how to be peaceful about the fact that new information, new ideas, and new socially acceptable forms of living (i.e. being single forever out of choice) pervade our culture simultaneously. Women are constantly being told we don’t need a man and yet the media saturates us with arguments that we’re “running out of time,” “bitchy,” or “abnormal” (or some combo of the three) if we do subscribe to that belief.

    The result is a sense of pervasive confusion and anxiety. There’s no rest for the weary on this one.

    In the end, my thought on a “soul mate” is similar to yours but not because if something happened to our soul mate, we’d might be unable to function. Personally, I don’t believe in soul mates because we just don’t need them any longer. Soul mates are no longer necessities; they’re luxuries. So the idea of one having many soul mates throughout life extends beyond a romantic category. A soul mate is a best friend, or even a teacher we connect with. A soul mate is about timing as well because we’re different people at different parts of our journeys. Limiting ourselves to one person defeats the essence of evolution itself – the idea that we are always in the process of becoming something greater. I very much believe in this notion.

    However, if a woman is lucky enough to find a man she can grow with throughout her life (and vice versa for a man), somewhere in her mind, she’s opening herself up to the most profound, selfless, and timeless truth: we’re better in pairs. Matt, this is still a scary fact, but it’s indisputable, and trying to demystify the notion of a “soul mate” doesn’t change evolutionary biology. Until individuals can create and make their own babies, we will always be captivated by the romance of a soul mate. And, let’s be real, without this notion, you’d be out of business! But your wisdom provides a consolatory buffer against the growing amount of time it takes women to find compatible and worthy partners.

    Thanks for letting me ramble on. I was at your Palm Springs retreat this past December, and I absolutely loved it. You’re an excellent speaker and your playful, encouraging personality resonated with so many of us. I made so many great friends and had an unforgettable time (except during that crazy morning fitness – I’m still sore from that!)

    Cheers,
    Andrea Barclay

    1. ” Women are constantly being told we don’t need a man and yet the media saturates us with arguments that we’re “running out of time,” “bitchy,” or “abnormal” (or some combo of the three) if we do subscribe to that belief.”

      I’d like to emphatically second this — especially since

      a) for several reasons, some of us have realized that we’re not in the “ideal woman” dating demographic that the media (which has a tremendous effect on our perceptions, men and women, and I don’t think a group as intelligent as the GTG group would deny this, as much time as you spend charming people on the Today show and elsewhere :-) ) has described as “optimal” – that is to say, blonde, thin, Caucasian white, and late-teen to mid-20-something, and that’s been affirmed, however gently and tactfully, in more than one article even here — and so we’d better get even busier than we’ve already been trying to create that “amazing life” that is the other principal portion of the “Get the Guy” mantra, because

      b) despite having invested heavily (say to the tune of three and four figures, and countless hours, both “listening/reading/learning” hours and “field” hours) in the GTG series and materials, they still / sure aren’t having that much of a positive effect on our dating and relationship lives, no matter how enormous the amount of effort we invest or how hard or long we try.

      Because of those cultural factors and influences we can’t control.

      So since you say, Matt, that you’re picking out comments from discussions that look like they could be developed to some depth …

      I sure do hope this is one of the ones you choose.

  • I appreciate what you said, Matt, about the redeeming quality of making opportunities with people in order to make potential romantic connections. I do, however, disagree with the concept that there isn’t one completely “right for you” person out there. I believe that there are people you can get on with, make a life with, work at a marriage with but ultimately they were a “settle”. Those are the people who check enough of the boxes, you can work on a few things you really can’t stand/want to help them change, etc. Those people/relationships are not the ultimate best life partner though. Of course the “one” best life partner you’d still have to work on a marriage/relationship with – a garden needs effort and work put in to keep the weeds out (my mom’s wisdom). The difference between “the one” and relationship opportunities/”settling” is that “the one” fits with you perfectly/seemlessly despite flaws, whereas “settling” is hoping you can look at the positives of the other person more often than the aggravating qualities you hope one day will change after you have been with that partner long enough.
    I am over-simplifying my point for the sake of being more concise, but I hope my point is clear about my stance on why pursuing “the one” is worth more than “settling” for a partner who ticks enough boxes. I long for a great romance, and I abhor the word “settle”!

  • Hey Matt,

    WOW! Thank you so much for this really great video. And thank you for being honest about this whole “S/he is the One” myth. I couldn’t have found this video at a more appropriate time and from being in a place that could be best described as a fairly miserable one-I am now in a place of hope and peace and even a little bit of anticipation.

    I woke up this morning feeling quite bleak about the high probability of breaking up with this guy I am seeing. I am in love with him but things aren’t working out so well. I don’t know if we are going to break up (there is his feelings, needs and opinion at stake here too), but after listening in to your video, I’ve gained some perspective. You see, I was on my way to thinking “He’s the one, he’s perfect, so on and so forth” and while listening to you, I remembered that this is not something I actually believe.

    Coz, I agree with you. Love at first sight is insulting to years of working through a relationship and actually committing to making it work, not because that person is some cookie-cutter ideal prescribed with the qualities and perfections that are at conflict with reality, but actually making an effort to understand, to communicate and listen to another human being and knowing when you are in the relationship you deserve.

    And I am not in the relationship I deserve, yet. I know that and I want more and want to be more. And if that is not what he wants then…I’m going to have to be brave enough to walk away. And your reminder that we have this redeeming ability to do this again, to love again, well that was the injection of courage I needed. It won’t be easy, and man oh man am I gonna be a miserable lass for the next few. But I will get through this, because, I know that I can do this again, hopefully with someone who deserves me and is willing to work at it.

    So thank you.

    Love Tara x

  • This, on the other hand, means not only that you won’t find “the one”, but also that you won’t be “the one”. So we shouldn’t take the other person for granted and think that they won’t meet other people after they break up with us.

  • wow you should be teaching this stupid high school and college age girls I really
    wish I was a pass this information along time ago but thanks for teaching it now :
    -) this is one of your best videos

  • Hi
    I saw a YouTube video of awhile back and it was along the same line as this one. So paraphrasing from Dan Savage: The “one” you lost was wasn’t the “One” because it didn’t work out. He was just a .8 that you didn’t have to much trouble rounding up to “The One”. But your heart will heal and you’ll find someone else and he might be a .5 or .6 that need a little more effort rounding up to “The ONE”

    I hope this doesn’t sound cynical because I wanted to pass this along, it really helped me from thinking I lost out. And I hope it does you as well:)

  • thank you soooooo much hero for this amazing video . I really LOVE it .
    I don’t believe in the ” the one ” concept too . my reasons are
    1- Romeo and Juliet
    2- valentine’s day
    3- I read a true story of an Arabian guy who suicide because the girl that he loved was engaged to another guy .
    because of “the one” concept many people live in pain , and some of them lose their lives . why in the most romantic stories (e.g. Romeo and Juliet story) both or one of them must die. what if Romeo and Juliet knew that there are more opportunities to meet another people who could meet their standers . again why they suicide . if I were Juliet I would let Romeo walk away . because I’m sure that there are many women who are like me or even better than me, so he could be happy without me . and in my opinion THE TRUE LOVE GIVES LIFE IT DOESN’T TAKE IT .
    I know that I’m just a nick name who appears from time to time , but I’m honest when I’m telling you this
    BY THIS VIDEO YOU ARE SAVING MANY LIVES .
    THANK YOU HERO.

  • Dear Matthew, I heartily admire your realistic view on love, life and world on the whole. This is such a pity that people blindly follow what other people say whether it is right or wrong. Instead of saying ‘hang on a minute, it’s my life’ people stuck in the routine designed not by their own effort, wishes, dreams… You are a great motivator, Matthew, and your input in people’s minds is priceless. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You’re the beacon in the darkness of mindless and messy humanity.

    lots of love and respect,

    Ilona

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