We all know we won’t connect with everyone we meet . . . but one of the most frustrating situations we can find ourselves in is one where we feel an initial spark and a connection, but things just don’t seem to progress.
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You going to do the video sat like that?
Yes. What’s wrong with this?
It looks awkward.
It’s comfortable, Jameson. I’ve been making videos with you for over 10 years now. Can I be comfortable just once?
I got a question recently and I thought I’d bring it to you today because I think it’s going to help a lot of people. This person said, “I feel stuck. Last May, I got out of a 10-year relationship I was in since I was 19. I’m doing a lot of self-development and I found that when it comes to love and dating, people don’t seem to be attracted to open, good communication at first. I’ve been told I get into deep talk really fast, but then I keep getting friend-zoned by really attractive people because of it. Wouldn’t it be better if I could just be this healthy, communicative, open person, and then attract that kind of person? Or are flirting and good communication often at odds?”
I thought this was a great question because the answer gets to the heart of why so many people do not get the call at the end of a first date. We all have our superpower, the language we know the best, and that superpower can be an incredible thing. In this woman’s case, it’s her ability to go deep. It’s her ability to empathize. It’s her ability to be sincere and to have meaningful conversations. But when taken to its extreme, it can become a disadvantage.
In her case, you hear she’s getting friend-zoned by people she’s attracted to. I want you, as I start talking in this video, to think: “What’s the language or the superpower that I know or have, that I can do really, really well? What’s that thing for me that comes out when I’m on a date?” The problem with having a superpower like that is that we tend to rely on it, we lean on it, and we can be too much of it. And we forget that for someone to really find us irresistible, they need to see more than one of these components.
For her, she had good communication, but communication isn’t the same as attraction. Communication is understanding someone and being understood. Attraction is creating desire. She was communicating but not building attraction. There’s a principle I want to give you. Contrast creates attraction. When we are one thing, let’s say in this case we’re able to have these meaningful conversations, but then we can switch gears to something else, perhaps being flirtatious, teasing someone, being playful, all of a sudden there’s a contrast between those two things, and that contrast is sexy. That contrast is unexpected. That contrast is engaging.
It’s like having this meaningful conversation with someone sat at the bar and then they go to the bathroom. And when they come back, you all of a sudden take them in as a person, as a romantic interest and you see them walking back to the seat and you realize that they’re attractive. There’s something about their figure or the way they’re dressed or the way they carry themselves that is attractive. And when they come back to their seat, instead of just re-engaging on a deep and meaningful level, you take a moment just to say to that person, “I really like your outfit by the way.” And in that moment, you are feeding that attraction, not just great communication.
It is the same thing as they’re being, I don’t know, a ping pong table in the room and you saying to this person, “Are you good at ping pong?” And they say, “Yes.” And you go, “Me too. We can’t play.” And they say, “Why?” And you go, “Because we’re going to fight. I’m going to win obviously. And then we’re going to argue about it.” That moment where you tease them or create a little tension, it’s playground stuff, but it works for a reason because it creates this role play that’s in a different gear than just sincerity.
Now you wouldn’t want to be this all the time because it would be exhausting and it would come across ultimately as insecure. That would be too much. But sprinkled in, it can be very powerful. I call these things unique pairings. When you have two different qualities that you don’t normally find in the same person, in the same person. So now you have someone who’s not just playful, but they can be sincere. You have someone who’s not just sexy, but can be intellectual. You have someone who is not just deep and meaningful, but can tease you five minutes later. Unique pairings are what make us think I need to be around this person. At the extreme, they make us feel like someone is irreplaceable.
If you’ve had an ex in your life that you struggled to get over, my guess is they had certain unique pairings that you felt would be difficult to replace in somebody else. Well, that’s actually the effect we want to have when we’re dating, is that someone meets us and they have one great quality that they see, but then they see something else and they go, “Oh my God, those two things together, that’s the sweet spot, that’s irresistible.”
I remember Jameson telling me a story of when he first realized that he liked me, not just as someone he worked with, but as an actual friend. We were on a plane on the way back from Seattle to LA. We were sat in the emergency row on the plane, but he was sat in a seat that didn’t have any room in front of him. And I was sat in a seat where strangely, there was no seat in front of mine. So I had not just a bit more legroom, but double the legroom. And at a certain point on the journey, I was on my laptop working and I just shot him a little look and I went, “So hard to concentrate with all of this legroom.” And I said it completely deadpan.
And he laughed, and I forgot this moment. This wasn’t obviously like a big moment for me. I forgot it completely. But the reason I know the story is because years later, he told me this story as a moment where he realized A, oh, he’s funny, and B, we’re going to be friends. Now think about it. It’s not like I suddenly had to be a jokester the whole way back. It was just a moment that appeared in contrast to the quite serious person that he had seen up there on stage being a professional. Now he got to see a different side of me, and that highlighted a unique pairing.
Now, some people will listen to this and they’ll think, this sounds like so much work. I have to be all these different things. And some people will even say, “I have to be things I’m not.” Firstly, I want to challenge the idea that you are not these multifaceted things. We all have these parts of ourselves. If you don’t associate with being sexy, well, have you ever been turned on? Then you have sexuality. And if you have sexuality, you can be sexy. Have you ever had a funny thought? Have you ever made your best friend laugh? Then you have a sense of humor.
A lot of the time, what we think we don’t have are just muscles we’ve never worked, and we overdevelop the muscles that we’re most comfortable with. To the point of, “Well, it’s just so much work having to do all of this.” It’s not. You don’t have to be all of these things all of the time. There are certain things we want to be as much of the time as possible, like kind and compassionate, just a genuine, authentic person. But there are other things like being funny or flirtatious or teasing, creating tension, sexuality that they’re like seasoning, we just add a little bit here and there. And a little bit is enough. It’s almost like just showing that we can be that thing.
You have a playful moment with someone and someone goes, “Oh, they can be playful.” You show a little moment of . . . you give someone a compliment in a flirtatious way and they realize, “Oh they can be sexual, they can be flirtatious.” It’s just showing someone we can go to that beat and that we don’t keep going to the same beat all the time. So unique pairings are the answer to how to get that phone call after a date. How do you keep someone wanting more? How do you make them want to go from date two to date three, to date four, to date 10. And ultimately, I believe that the people we end up marrying are the people that we see as having a collection of unique pairings that we never want to give up.
This is my instruction to you today. Ask yourself two questions. What muscle have I overdeveloped that I’m using too much? Which by the way is a good thing. Me having that muscle is a good thing. I always think about it like this. Learning a language is an amazing thing, but don’t stay in that place so long that it becomes the only language you know. And the second question is, what muscle has atrophied? What muscle has become weak from not using it? Or maybe you feel like you’ve never used it. It doesn’t come out on your dates, it doesn’t come out around people you’re attracted to. I want you to answer that question in the comments.
And by the way, if you love this concept and you’re like, “I need to build my unique pairings, but I don’t know how, or I want to be more flirtatious and playful or sexy, but what are the practical ways that I can do that?” I have an entire group of people that I work with exclusively every month in the LoveLife Club and you can join them. We do coaching calls, I do masterclasses, interviews with other experts that I bring you and have access to. There’s a whole community inside an app that you get on your phone. It’s an amazing place to be. And you can join for a 14-day free trial by going to joinlovelife.com. You can set up your free profile in minutes and come join us and access all of the content that’s in there for my members. I look forward to seeing you in there. Thank you for watching this video and I will see you next week.
5 Replies to “Wondering Why You Never Got a Second Date With Them?”
Thank you, Matthew!
You are gorgeous, like always!
This is such a valuable message – but I got distracted away from it by the woman lip synching as you spoke! And the teeth brushing sounds (gah why!). The content I need to hear again but don’t think I could rewatch
I’m a very clear communicator and I can be extremely serious. I’m also playful and hilarious. I stopped flirting with men a long time ago. I’ve had a lot of creepy guys proposition me for sex over the years. It’s made me pretty defensive when I attract attention from men, even the ones I’m interested in. I need to start being more flirtatious and playful with men I’m interested in getting to know romantically.
I need to improve at complimenting people! And being more playful. Matt, you are such a great teacher!
Once again, the messaging coming out is that we are just not good enough. Now we have to step outside of who we naturally are, and put on appearances that might not naturally be in our ability. Such a disappointment to see this here.
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