Worried He’s Cheating? Here’s What to Say (Script)

I had a conversation on my latest Fast Track session that I really wanted to share with you.

Her question is one I get so often: “Am I being irrational and jealous? Or is it ok for me to be upset about this?”

In this video, I share my reaction, and give you a clear way to say what you really feel in this difficult situation…

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Jameson: “Hey guys, Matthew Hussey here…. Jameson here… I thought you were going to introduce me.”

Matthew: “Was I supposed to introduce you?”

Jameson: “We’re tag teaming this because we work so well together.”

Matthew: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”

Jameson: “Breakfasts.”

Matthew: “Jesus.

“We just finished our members’ session, where for an hour, we Q&A’d with our Fast Track Members. If you don’t know how to become a member, by the way, click the link here? Or at the end of the video? We’ll figure it out some way.”

Jameson: “I’m going to pop it up all over the place. It’s a great link.”

Matthew: “But there was something very interesting that happened during that webinar.”

Jameson: “We had a caller call in. She’d been in a relationship for three and a half years and there was this moment where she thought her boyfriend was possibly being unfaithful.”

Matthew: “He basically went away on vacation for a couple of weeks. Or no, he was on a work trip for a couple of weeks. And she, essentially, long story short, received a couple of messages on her phone that were from him but were not intended for her.”

Jameson: “The message was something like, ‘Lol, a little aggressive for me. Ha ha ha.’”

Matthew: “Yeah.”

Jameson: “Something like that where it could be completely innocuous but imagine receiving a text like that–”

Matthew: “Horrible.”

Jameson: “… from your significant other when they’re on holiday.”

Matthew: “Well, actually, here’s the horrible part. What happened next was she wrote back and said, ‘Clearly those weren’t meant for me.’ And she then proceeded to ask for a screenshot of the text conversation that he was having with whoever he was having it with. He said it was with a male work colleague who was late for breakfast or something, which, by the way, may be true. I’m not putting any judgment on this situation right now. We’re coming to it from complete outside perspectives. But here’s what concerned me. She asked for screenshots of the messages. He then said, ‘You should trust me. And if you need me to send a screenshot, that’s about your insecurity and I don’t want to feed that insecurity. This is a lesson you need to learn and I’m not going to send you the screenshots because it’s better for you that I don’t. It’s better for your insecurity that I don’t feed it.’

“And I heard this and this lovely woman really didn’t know what to do. She said, ‘Do I just accept that and move on? Or should I be frustrated or angry at that?’ Here’s how I broke it down for her because there are many people out there who will be facing some similar situation to this.

“If you’re in a relationship and you’re coming with past baggage from a previous relationship, maybe someone cheated on you, maybe someone gave you cause to constantly be insecure and jealous and that is not something you’ve fully gotten over, in your new relationship, it’s not your partner’s responsibility to take on all of that baggage, right? If you’re going through your partner’s phone and investigating them, if you’re prying all the time, if you’re constantly trying to look for something that isn’t there, that’s not your partner’s fault and if they’re giving you no reason not to trust them, then that’s something that you need to look at in yourself.

“But in this situation, where he has sent her something, that she’s reacting to something, information she’s actually gotten, not by looking for it. It’s found her. That is not a moment for him to teach her a lesson about her confidence, right?”

Jameson: “Well, here’s what happened on the call, by the way. Because Matt gave that spiel and I wanted to press back a little bit on this woman because I wanted to see: has she really never brought this up before? Because from the man’s side, if they’ve been together for three and a half years and you’ve built up a lot of trust over the three and a half years. And so, when someone is doubting you from an errant message, that can be painful, too.”

Matthew: “Yes.”

Jameson: “I don’t know if it’s an insecurity but it brings up some pride, being like, ‘Hey, hold on. I’m a good man. I’ve been a good man for three and a half years.’”

Matthew: “I agree.”

Jameson: “So we pressed her a little bit to see, like is this a recurring insecurity? Has this been something that’s addressed and so he’s getting defensive for a reason? She seemed really, really genuinely sweet and sincere that it kind of wasn’t, that she had done a pretty good job.”

Matthew: “If anything, she suppressed her insecurities most of the time and didn’t bring them to him.”

Jameson: “Right.”

Matthew: “This was a situation that really caught her off guard. So here’s what I think. If he says, ‘Here, take the screenshot. I don’t mind. I’ve got nothing to hide,’ she sees it, she says, ‘Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. I feel terrible. Blah, blah, blah,’ he, at that point, can say, ‘I want you to trust me because I would never do anything to hurt you. I would not do that to you. I understand that your insecurity today made you want to see that but I would prefer in the future if you would trust me because we’re in this together and we’re a team, right? I’ll never give you reason to doubt me.’

“But maybe you do acknowledge, ‘Today may have seemed a little different because maybe I sent you something and it caught you off guard and it triggered something. And I love you, and I want you to feel safe, and I want you to feel secure, so I’m showing you this. But in the future, I would rather you trusted me because we’re on the same side.’

Jameson: “So that’s the response–”

Matthew: “That’s the lesson moment.”

Jameson: “That’s the response from the person who was doubted.”

Matthew: “Yes.”

Jameson: “So what was the script for the person who was jealous? For her, what would you have her say?”

Matthew: “If he says, ‘You should trust me. I’m a trustworthy person,’ you should say, ‘And I’m a flawed person.’”

Jameson: “Right.”

Matthew: “’I’m flawed and I have my insecurities and it’s just on my mind and I hate that it is.’ I think two people have to be a team together. And she has to be a team in giving him the benefit of the doubt. But he should also be a team member in not creating more doubt by withholding something… I could understand if she’d done this 10 times in the last six months. ‘Show me the message, show me the message, show me the message.’ Then he might be like, ‘You know what? I don’t want to be in a relationship like this. Because if you can’t trust me and if you constantly need me to show you proof of everything, I don’t want to be in that relationship.’ That’s his prerogative. But if this is genuinely the first time that’s happened, I don’t know. I think he’s hurting the relationship by doing that.

“What do you think? I’m curious. Leave us a comment, let us know what you’re thinking about this. I think this is an interesting discussion. I want to read your comments. We’ll see you next week.”

Jameson: “Bye guys.”

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88 Replies to “Worried He’s Cheating? Here’s What to Say (Script)”

  1. I had the same situation but from man’s side. I showed him the conversation and after 1 minute the all story just end without any emotional heaviness and drama. He can have doubts, because today’s world it’s crazy, but I have nothing to hide, plus I didn’t took his request as an attack to my faithfulness. Let’s not put so emotional baggage and find the easy solution not making a drama were it’s isn’t. He can have insecurities, because I am a woman who attract many men (I am a professional dancer) , but I can leave my phone open next to him. I can’t control what the other men write to me, but the most important is how I respond (or not respond at all). As you said, a couple it’s a team. Work it out fast without freaking out (if you have nothing to hide, it will not cost you anything to clear things up, put your ego on the side).

  2. You are spot on. She was completely within her rights to ask and, based on previous experience, he was likely hiding something. People who have nothing to hide and care about how something they have done made someone they care about feel usually very easily share. Just my two cents.

  3. I agree with your advice Matthew. If the woman had asked her boyfriend 10 times to see his phone, then he had a right to try to teach her a lesson. But if this was the first time, he trying to teach her a lesson did not help her trust him. It only caused doubts. He could have avoided the doubts by just showing the screenshots.

  4. I definitely agree with Matt and Jameson about the guys response to his girl. The fact that he responded with “you have to just trust me” and “I am not going to feed into your insecurities ” is just making the situation worse. If anything, by him saying these things helps to increase her insecurities and makes look like he has something to hide. As partners, both people need to agree to support each other, and alot of the time it requires both to come together through compromise and love to work the situation out, i.e. This guy if he really cares about her needs to show her the “receipts”, (screen shots of the conversation), and be open to having a real conversation about how each others feelings instead of being dismissive.

  5. I’ve been in a situation where my current partner found some private videos from a previous fling in my Google photos app. He brought it up with me a few days later and I instantly whipped my phone out to see what he was asking about. I showed him the date they were from (2 years prior to our relationship and I had no idea they were saved there) If you’ve nothing to hide then there shouldn’t be any issue backing that up. Is it really that hard to be kind and considerate to someone and understand they may need that visual proof to ease their anxiety? Throwing the blame back on them and making out like they’re helping you is a rubbish excuse that a narcissist would use.

  6. In response to the video “ is he cheating!” Here is my question. 31/2 years and no engagement? REALLY??!?! Look,I don’t know the whole situation but YOU know if he is cheating or not. A woman knows!! There are signs and you know that!
    If your not planning a wedding by now after 3 years of dating you are wasting valuable time…..I dont know the age of these two but as a 50 yr old woman, life is short and you deserve to be totally happy. With that being said you must also realize there are some ‘women’ who are just nasty. They will flirt no matter what!! Sad but true. But he should have sent screenshot to you. Hopefully it wasn’t her sister or mother . Anyway, pray about this! If God isn’t the center of you relationship, it will NEVER work!!

  7. It’s a hard situation. Sometimes I’m not sure if it comes from a place of insecurity but more sometimes a gut feeling . I had a situation that was similar happen to me. I had been married for a few years and my husband was gone a lot for work and when he called me one night he was out drinking and I could hear women in the background and he mentioned that he was at a bar but something just seemed off, nothing really gave me reason to think he was cheating except this feeling I had. It kept nagging at me and when he got home I asked him about. He got really defensive and he said he couldn’t believe I would even accuse him of such a thing. He told me I was crazy and insecure. I felt like I really had no leg to stand on because I really didn’t have much to go off beside this feeling I had. So I believed him and really thought I was just crazy or insecure. Then couple months go by and we were lying bed just chatting about life and he all of sudden just blurted out that he in fact did cheat on me that trip. I felt pretty angry and wasn’t so much the cheating but I felt really shitty about myself for months thinking I was horrible person for not trusting him. He let me believe that I was insecure and jealous. I get we all have insecurities but I feel like men really like to through that in our face or play that card way too much. Its like heaven forbid we even get a little upset even when they know damn well they are in the wrong and we get called insecure, too sensitive, nagging or crazy when we have every right to be upset when they did something wrong. I feel like a lot of women are afraid to even bring something like that up or stick up for themselves because we afraid we will be automatically labeled on of those things.

  8. Misunderstandings happen, however I firmly believe that this guy is damaging the relationship. Instead of belittling his girlfriend for her insecurity (that he helped create with this text message), he should be willing to assauge her fears. It takes a second to send that screenshot to show her nothing shady is happening and they can have a laugh about it. Instead he chooses to make her feel worse. Probably because there is something he’s hiding and the best way to deflect that is make your girl feel shame for asking a legit question.

  9. Catching my partner in truths is very important.
    Being caught in a truth is very important. There’s no reason why he couldn’t put her mind at ease. Also, Maybe he was being hit on by an aggressive female work friend and was trying to thwart the situation by saying she’s being just too aggressive and maybe he was really feeling uncomfortable the whole trip and he could have shared that with his partner too.

  10. This is difficult, but if she doubts him he must have given her a reason to.

    On the other hand, asking for a screenshot is a full on in the face (I don’t trust you) message which could be perceived as disrespectful(and not necessarily a solution to proving his innocence)
    The message is neutral, it may have had flirting potential.
    I’m more interested in her sudden insecurity…or is it sudden?
    His point is, if he did that, he makes her entitled to distrusting him. (And this game should not even start) I get him. Because if he was faithful this is a discussion he wouldn’t even want to have.
    But it is also sort of distancing her. I think as Matthew says. But giving her a screenshot entitles her. In the end, it depends on how much he cares about her insecurity. Will he let it escalate or will he explain it?
    She will doubt him more now for being defensive. I think they need to have an honest conversation because I don’t believe her insecurity is solely about this message.

  11. yeah the way he reacted, turning it into her problem, and that she is a source of that issue even though it’s him who sent it… not a good sign. Also everythinbg he said is beautifully logical, which seems very thought throught. The truth is rarly that…

    I am sorry if it will be insensitive, but if he is lying, he is really talented in recovering from possibile worst mess ever.. I would be afraid of him…

  12. I totally agree with you both here…the one question I have is…is he projecting HIS insecurities? Is he worried that she discover something he wants to hide. Been there. I tuned down my Spidey senses and trusted to find out later on that my gut feeling was correct.

  13. For this situation: It should not be discussed via telephone. However, if she has had insecurities in the past, the screenshot shot have been sent along with a message stating that they would discuss it further when he got home. Should she find he has been faithful, she knows what she needs to do. They have been together for over 3 years.

    I have been dating my boyfriend for less than a year, but we have known each other for 18 years. Both of our exes cheated on us and we have both have agreed to be faithful to one another. This last year, we had allowed a small family to stay with us, as they had no where else to go. This couple cheated on each other and the female of the couple, has and to this day (even though I have proven time and again, I have been faithful) that I am cheating on him each and every time I leave the house. His ex-wife has even convinced him that I am cheating!!! I have records of where and what I was doing when I supposedly was cheating. I leave my phone alone, unlocked at all times so he can go through it if he wants to. And he has, my children have told me. I love my better half with everything I am. But this has to stop somehow, someway, this all HAS to stop. What do I do?

  14. Very interesting. I think you read my mind. Last night at 9:15 I got two texts from my guy friend. It said going to my friends granddaughters wedding, the one who puts me up in Florida. I’m like an escort service. He then called me and said the text was meant for his grown granddaughter. We are going to a wedding in California in ten days. I said did you think I would be mad and he said yes. This morning I thought more about it and thought why would his granddaughter be texting him about the wedding at nine o’clock at night. I now don’t believe him and think he was actually replying to another woman. I just don’t trust him as early on in our relationship after we were intimate two years ago he told me he was seeing another woman. She is no longer in the picture. While we have a good relationship we do not have a commitment. We are both in our 70’s and I know he would never want to live together. So I can accept what I have or I can question him about the text and open Pandora’s box. I feel we really need to put our relationship on the table and I need to know does he want to be with me and also socially date other women. And if that’s the case then our intimacy must end. He can’t eat his cake and have it too. So what do I do? Am I being paranoid ?

  15. If it was the first errant message and her person asks that she trust him, she should at least give her guy the benefit of the doubt. It is also just right that she call his attention, letting him know that she wasn’t suspicious for no reason at all, that she isn’t someone who’s dumb! It would be best perhaps for her to let things rest this first time because putting her guy on the defensive might widen and strain an imaginary relationship gap that wasn’t there in the first place.

  16. I think he should show her the text messages. Also unless they were in high school, and they clearly are not (because he’s on a work related trip), by 3 years he should have asked her to marry him. I never was in a relationship, since being out of school, for more than 3 months that my guy didn’t ask me to marry him. Unfortunately, I never met a man that I wanted to marry. So I was the one to break it off. Okay, I did string it along for years. But that just goes to show how uncommitted a person is if they don’t commit by (fill in the amount) years.

  17. Great conversation. However, it’s really difficult to find a male person who can be that understanding and compassionate when they are put in that position- they become defensive and transfer back to you- just saying. They usually do not want to do the hard work and leave it up to you. I would wait until they could talk in person and ask again to see the content of the text- if he is unable to share after full discussion of the circumstances- that means he IS hiding something and either is afraid of does not care as much as you do.

  18. Matthew,

    I think the way you scripted it sounds perfect. He shouldn’t have an issue with both showing her what she needs to see in that moment, or being the one to help her bring her insecurity into light. As her partner, he’s agreed to help her become the best version of herself. Maybe that was his initial intention and just handled in wrongly the first time. Either way, it seems to be a subject that they’d benefit from developing a deeper understanding of each others feelings about monogamous commitment. She may need him to reaffirm his beliefs when it comes to that, to be able to regain her faith in him.

  19. I think I agree with every point Matthew said. Another side, unfortunately, I think the right for private businesses is higher than the other parties feelings. After seeing this, I am more and more confident that my partner cheated on me, but I had no doubts or not so much before. Actually, I had, but I convinced myself it is my insecurity. I think people have to accept that providing room is very very important. Even if someone is flirting, what matters is how good partner is somebody in the relationship. And you can also expect the same room, of couse, including with the same trust level and same room. Asking for a screenshot for me is way beyond the limit. But teaching lesson is a very jerky style, immediate termination would follow from my side if there are no kids, etc.

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