I had a conversation on my latest Fast Track session that I really wanted to share with you.
Her question is one I get so often: “Am I being irrational and jealous? Or is it ok for me to be upset about this?”
In this video, I share my reaction, and give you a clear way to say what you really feel in this difficult situation…
Want the Chance for Me to Answer YOUR Dating Question?
Tap Below and Simply Type Your Question Now…
→ http://www.AskMH.com
Jameson: “Hey guys, Matthew Hussey here…. Jameson here… I thought you were going to introduce me.”
Matthew: “Was I supposed to introduce you?”
Jameson: “We’re tag teaming this because we work so well together.”
Matthew: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”
Jameson: “Breakfasts.”
Matthew: “Jesus.
“We just finished our members’ session, where for an hour, we Q&A’d with our Fast Track Members. If you don’t know how to become a member, by the way, click the link here? Or at the end of the video? We’ll figure it out some way.”
Jameson: “I’m going to pop it up all over the place. It’s a great link.”
Matthew: “But there was something very interesting that happened during that webinar.”
Jameson: “We had a caller call in. She’d been in a relationship for three and a half years and there was this moment where she thought her boyfriend was possibly being unfaithful.”
Matthew: “He basically went away on vacation for a couple of weeks. Or no, he was on a work trip for a couple of weeks. And she, essentially, long story short, received a couple of messages on her phone that were from him but were not intended for her.”
Jameson: “The message was something like, ‘Lol, a little aggressive for me. Ha ha ha.’”
Matthew: “Yeah.”
Jameson: “Something like that where it could be completely innocuous but imagine receiving a text like that–”
Matthew: “Horrible.”
Jameson: “… from your significant other when they’re on holiday.”
Matthew: “Well, actually, here’s the horrible part. What happened next was she wrote back and said, ‘Clearly those weren’t meant for me.’ And she then proceeded to ask for a screenshot of the text conversation that he was having with whoever he was having it with. He said it was with a male work colleague who was late for breakfast or something, which, by the way, may be true. I’m not putting any judgment on this situation right now. We’re coming to it from complete outside perspectives. But here’s what concerned me. She asked for screenshots of the messages. He then said, ‘You should trust me. And if you need me to send a screenshot, that’s about your insecurity and I don’t want to feed that insecurity. This is a lesson you need to learn and I’m not going to send you the screenshots because it’s better for you that I don’t. It’s better for your insecurity that I don’t feed it.’
“And I heard this and this lovely woman really didn’t know what to do. She said, ‘Do I just accept that and move on? Or should I be frustrated or angry at that?’ Here’s how I broke it down for her because there are many people out there who will be facing some similar situation to this.
“If you’re in a relationship and you’re coming with past baggage from a previous relationship, maybe someone cheated on you, maybe someone gave you cause to constantly be insecure and jealous and that is not something you’ve fully gotten over, in your new relationship, it’s not your partner’s responsibility to take on all of that baggage, right? If you’re going through your partner’s phone and investigating them, if you’re prying all the time, if you’re constantly trying to look for something that isn’t there, that’s not your partner’s fault and if they’re giving you no reason not to trust them, then that’s something that you need to look at in yourself.
“But in this situation, where he has sent her something, that she’s reacting to something, information she’s actually gotten, not by looking for it. It’s found her. That is not a moment for him to teach her a lesson about her confidence, right?”
Jameson: “Well, here’s what happened on the call, by the way. Because Matt gave that spiel and I wanted to press back a little bit on this woman because I wanted to see: has she really never brought this up before? Because from the man’s side, if they’ve been together for three and a half years and you’ve built up a lot of trust over the three and a half years. And so, when someone is doubting you from an errant message, that can be painful, too.”
Matthew: “Yes.”
Jameson: “I don’t know if it’s an insecurity but it brings up some pride, being like, ‘Hey, hold on. I’m a good man. I’ve been a good man for three and a half years.’”
Matthew: “I agree.”
Jameson: “So we pressed her a little bit to see, like is this a recurring insecurity? Has this been something that’s addressed and so he’s getting defensive for a reason? She seemed really, really genuinely sweet and sincere that it kind of wasn’t, that she had done a pretty good job.”
Matthew: “If anything, she suppressed her insecurities most of the time and didn’t bring them to him.”
Jameson: “Right.”
Matthew: “This was a situation that really caught her off guard. So here’s what I think. If he says, ‘Here, take the screenshot. I don’t mind. I’ve got nothing to hide,’ she sees it, she says, ‘Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. I feel terrible. Blah, blah, blah,’ he, at that point, can say, ‘I want you to trust me because I would never do anything to hurt you. I would not do that to you. I understand that your insecurity today made you want to see that but I would prefer in the future if you would trust me because we’re in this together and we’re a team, right? I’ll never give you reason to doubt me.’
“But maybe you do acknowledge, ‘Today may have seemed a little different because maybe I sent you something and it caught you off guard and it triggered something. And I love you, and I want you to feel safe, and I want you to feel secure, so I’m showing you this. But in the future, I would rather you trusted me because we’re on the same side.’
Jameson: “So that’s the response–”
Matthew: “That’s the lesson moment.”
Jameson: “That’s the response from the person who was doubted.”
Matthew: “Yes.”
Jameson: “So what was the script for the person who was jealous? For her, what would you have her say?”
Matthew: “If he says, ‘You should trust me. I’m a trustworthy person,’ you should say, ‘And I’m a flawed person.’”
Jameson: “Right.”
Matthew: “’I’m flawed and I have my insecurities and it’s just on my mind and I hate that it is.’ I think two people have to be a team together. And she has to be a team in giving him the benefit of the doubt. But he should also be a team member in not creating more doubt by withholding something… I could understand if she’d done this 10 times in the last six months. ‘Show me the message, show me the message, show me the message.’ Then he might be like, ‘You know what? I don’t want to be in a relationship like this. Because if you can’t trust me and if you constantly need me to show you proof of everything, I don’t want to be in that relationship.’ That’s his prerogative. But if this is genuinely the first time that’s happened, I don’t know. I think he’s hurting the relationship by doing that.
“What do you think? I’m curious. Leave us a comment, let us know what you’re thinking about this. I think this is an interesting discussion. I want to read your comments. We’ll see you next week.”
Jameson: “Bye guys.”
i think he is hurting the relationship. i had almost the same situation, my boyfriend showed me their whatsapp conversation, him and a girl from work, because while we were together this girl messages her. The only thing that bothers me was why was she sending him selfies? so i confronted him and he defended her that maybe she’s just like that, so i told him that he should have done something about it. I asked him who message who first and he said either of them. I told him i don’t feel comfortable anymore with your friendship with this new girl from work. If you still insist on chatting with her, going out on breaks with her and will not consider how i feel then better we broke up. be with her and let me move on. However, he chose me. he said he will end things with her. So now we are still together, but i’m still observing. Hopefully our relationship becomes stronger and will last a lifetime ❤️
Yes, he is hurting the relationship. Maybe he just had a moment of flirtation with someone he did not intend to have and he didn´t want to hurt the relationship by exposing himself so he just got defensive to hide his mistake. I believe he wouldn’t do it again (It’s a good thing he instinctively messaged his partner than the new person.)
I agree with Bonnie. “it’s really difficult to find a male person who can be that understanding and compassionate when they are put in that position- they become defensive and or completely silent and or say they don’t want to talk about this right now.”
In my experience women’s intuition and gut feeling rarely lie. When we think something is going on it usually is! Having the chat on the phone isn’t the right way, she needs to see him in person and calmly call him out. She’ll just know whether there’s cause for concern. Women are too savvy! I have not been with a single man who would ever respond with the level of emotional awareness/literacy like Matt has described. Generally they either wouldn’t engage in the conversation or manipulate and turn it back around to deflect responsibility. Sad but true!
I always thought if you love and care about someone you would do everything in your power to make them feel safe in the relationship. If this situation was reversed, no matter how many times I was asked, I have no issues showing my messages. My phone is always unlocked and I have nothing to hide. I feel he is deflecting the real issue by saying it’s her problem.
3 1/2 years?!! He should have proposed to her and they should be going forward with a marriage. Not going backward with not giving her a screen shot. Of course he’s up to no good- he’s changing the m.o. They don’t speak like that to each other for 3years then he mistakenly sends her that instead of his male coworker?! She could use an MH script on him & if he doesn’t respond with the screenshot still, then it’s time for an ultimatum and leave, mourn, heal, find a worthy new man who respects your standards and wants the team you’re creating with him to succeed…Good luck!!
( This whole situation sounds frustrating, angering, & just sooo disappointing! Sadly, has happened to me too)
There is a lot going on here. A good rule to go by is: would I behave this way if my partner was with me, watching everything I am doing. (Like sending this text message.) If the answer is no, then one should not do it.
How would her boyfriend feel if the situation was reversed? Sometimes in relationships, there needs to be complete transparency when your partner becomes upset. Transparency reassures your partner that everything is okay and helps the trust grow. When transparency is withheld it helps suspicions grow instead, and does hurt the relationship. Totally agree with you Matthew.
Last, what is going on in the relationship that suddenly caused her to become paranoid about him? Sometimes in relationships, people do pull away etc. If this is the case they need to be aware that BOTH of them need to nurture the relationship more. This will keep them from feeling insecure like this.
Both should definitely discuss this in person.
Id’ tell him… and I think I did before: “Miss target? lol ;P [… (he probably said “Yeah! ;P”)] “Oh, then is okay!” But that’s after several videos and Mattew’s book.
In her case I figure is not the first time she shows herself as unsecure, or he showed signals of suspicius behavior because he HAD to put it clear that is a male contact.
P.S.
I don’t think he is innocent… His response sounds a lot more like defensive than showing standars like “I don’t want to live with an unsecure woman” or so. That response was too much more than “a lesson”.
Thanks or this. A lot of times men will make the women think she is insecure, unreasonable, crazy and belittle to cover up for either something OR not having the ability and understanding that a woman wants to feel safe and secure with a man. I like the answers you gave her as it’s not about one side or another but a team and how to make both people feel comfortable and safe and willing to do what it takes to make the relationship stronger………if there is nothing to hide, and the curiousity about something odd one observes and wants to know more about can be clarified, a conversation had, used to make the connections stronger not weaker.
Is it really insecurity that caused her reaction or plain old intuition and common sense? I agree full heartedly with what you are saying and I get that being vulnerable and saying you’re flawed might get the man’s defences down, but the whole focus on her insecurity kind of felt off. To me, it’s pretty obvious this guy was flirting with someone and probably cheating, so I think it’s important that the woman remain assertive, reasonable and rational in her exchange, but not make it seem so much like her issue. If I feel like I’m overreacting and being insecure, I’m happy to admit it. But in this case, I think any woman, insecure or not, would be wise to be on the alert for cheating in this case. The only reason this guy reacted the way he did was because he was guilty. I would be totally shocked if he weren’t.
Well, I have to say there could be a multitude of reasons of why this actually happened.
Though, if we focus hard on the problem, and we don’t take any side for the sake of solving this issue…
An understanding of trust is key here. The guy is actually right about associating proof with insecurities. Trust is all about security and for both sides. The more you actually need trust, the more insecure you are physically or mentally. This has nothing about cheating or bringing proof.
Established Trust and value in a relationship are imaginary mechanisms of insurrance that can differ from one person to another. I therefore invite you to reflect on this…
Is it possible that they just actually have a different definition of trust and a different vision of their partner’s value.
That said,the woman is in her right for asking a proof because in her mind, he seems to be lying and that implies that a possible threat might come from him, but here is the catch…
Her asking proof did not help her feel more secure, and will not make it so at anytime in the future. Here’s why any outcomes will hurt anyway.
1- He’s flirting or cheating and that is reason enough to break up if it does not fit her value. = hurt
2- He actually never flirted or cheated and there was nothing to worry about form her standpoint, but at the same time his partner clearly sees her as low value and this caused damage to the relationship = hurt
3- They live on together without saying further word or they compromise on the issue because they come from a point of scarcity and they end up unhappy for a long time until the next trust issue arises.= hurt ++
My friends, to me that is a definition of a wall. It’s gonna hurt and sometimes making a bad choice is actually the best thing to do, but to make it a win, we have to remember that it might also be the consequence of previous mistakes about finding the right person for you.
Hey,don’t be so hard on yourself either, people change too. Nothing last forever! Enjoy the relationship while it’s great, and when it does not work, aim for a better one!
So, my point here, is that asking a proof is never a good thing to do to fix a relationship trust issue.
It is not a matter of being right or wrong. The best outcome should always be the aim and doing right according to your beliefs standards will be your best compass to find someone that actually fit yours.
I also think that a man will automatically be able to reassure her woman especially for little things as she will be able to do that for him too for as long as they value each other enough to do so. This is the key of the problem here.
The woman could have said that she does not like it but that she trust in him, but she didnt. (Lack of trust)
He could have said ok, I will show you, but he didnt. (Lack of value towards her)
Maybe he was never good enough to make her feel that she is his woman.
Maybe she was never good enough to show him that she was strong enough for him. Those ifs, don’t matter at this point except for their next relationship.
So, my understanding of this situation is this: To him, she was not worth the hustle as she could not see his value or that she must not have enough value herself to deserve a confirmation. If he actually flirted or cheated, she still did’nt have enough value to not do it.
Again, whoever is right here, that is enough reason to break up from any side as both the man and the woman deserve a partner that have a compatible vision of each other’s value.
In the case he wants to sleep with other women and lie about it, he should be with a woman that understands this and think the same, but if it’s the case, cheating is also low value as it reflects his own scarcity in getting what he truly wants.
Also, If he does not seem to be the kind of man she wants because she doubts him, then she should let him go.
No matter who is right in that situation. This is not an isolated incident, this will further escalate. Compromise will make things worst later on.
Remember, that is an opportunity for growth from both sides and that painful experiences in relationships are also a part of the fun journey that is called life!
I don’t think she should have asked to see a screen shot right away. I think she should have just asked him what was going on. If he was smart he would then have sent her a screen shot. If he didn’t respond to her satisfaction, then she could have asked for the screen shot.
The way she could have responded to his telling her she should just trust him is: you know what I would really have liked to hear you say? “Absolutely, here’s what was going on and here’s the screen shot.” I don’t agree that he should say, “I want you to trust me”. If he wants her to trust him, he needs to behave in a trustworthy fashion ie be 100% transparent. I really like the suggested response to “I’m a trustworthy person” – “and I’m a flawed person. I have my insecurities etc”.
Her boyfriend should not have said this is a learning thing for her … he should have just shown the screen shot of the texting and said we will talk later about it…and then when he got home and they were face to face that is when you have a conversation about the trust issue… you do not have conversations like that unless you are in the same room together.
Hey,
Good to see Jamieson talking!
But you didn’t give answer for her-or anyone in her shoes.
When you have a feeling you’ve been cheated or played how to react to not seem jealous and insecure but also to show you’re not stupid.
I had this before when men wants to put the stamp on you “oh darling you just jealous” but trying to avoid straight answer and get away.I think this what the guy done, he turned the situation straight back on her.He must be intelligent or an intelligent player
Also I think we need to listen to our gut more often.We always feel what is
going on we just don’t want to listen to it.
Good subject!
I think its not okay to ask for a screenshot that’s his job to do so.
she can say I am sorry babe if I over reacted, but I felt bad when you made me look like a bad person. by the way, I love you and it’s normal for me to feel jealous in this situation. anyway, I don’t want us to talk more on this. if you had a messed up moment, it’s ok. I forgive you. if not I was stupid, I am sorry.
Having been through this before, I feel so sorry that it’s happened to yet another woman.
She had every right to ask about the text. She wasn’t snooping or being insecure as this was something he plopped into her inbox, mistakenly or not.
His response says everything. That is Deflecting and Gaslighting 101. Run. Lying is one thing – it hurts when discovered, but it is on the liar. Gaslighting tears down the person being gaslighted from the inside out, making them question their worth as a person and every relationship after. It is simply vicious and inexcusable.
Even if we put gaslighting aside for a moment and assume he was telling the truth, nothing about his tone is that of a partner. Instead, he is talking down to her and “teaching her a lesson” as if he were her parent. Again, if your “partner” feels s/he can speak down to you and direct you as if you are a child, it’s not a partnership. That’s control and manipulation. It makes me wonder if he’s been telling her how to feel and what she should and shouldn’t do for the past 3 years, or if this was the first incident. Either way, run.
Finally, having gotten these kinds of “accidental” texts before, in the end, they were never truly accidental. Follow up conversations and events showed the texts were sent purposely. Sometimes it was the guy’s hairbrained way of seeing whether I valued him enough to be jealous (basically, an ego boost for him executed in the worst possible way), it was a test given by a cheater to feel out the limits of what he could get away with, or (as it seems men don’t like to do the hard emotional lifting), it was a way to say he’d found someone else and get me to end the relationship so that he wouldn’t have to.
Bottom line, regardless of whether he was texting another woman, the way he responded shows he is looking down on his partner and does not value her as an equal. That, in my book, means it’s time to move on.
The boyfriend’s response is an example of “gaslighting” which is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse.
He could have reassured her in some way by just sending the screen shot or by responding compassionately. Alternatively he could have offered to address any trust issues that exist.
Instead he quickly changed the subject from his suspicious texts to her emotional stability – intentionally making her doubt herself. It’s a tactic meant to deflect attention away from his behavior, and it’s a pretty harmful dynamic in the relationship.
The guy was obviously cheating. His response was defensive and made the woman feel like she was being irrational. Typical cheating person move.
Hi, I believe that relationship between the two should be build with trust. Why I check his phone or feel insecure if he treated me well. However, if I know that he is that type of person that I can’t trust why do I have to stay with him from the beggning, these relationships will be impossible to stay long. Furthermore, If this his first time I will teach him a lesson that he never will forget because I’m loyal to myselfe first then to him. I deserve to be treated the same.
I definitely think of a relationship as a team. Everything is for the benefit of the team. If you aren’t progressing in the same direction or at all, you need to communicate with each other. If this girl is constantly on this guy about everything, then his response is supportive of the relationship progressing. If this is a random occurrence, then he is hindering the progress of this relationship. Either way, they need to discuss this when he gets back. His actions over the past 3 1/2 years should dictate how she approaches that conversation. It’s not about feeding an insecurity, it is about building a strong foundation for your relationship. If he didn’t want the foundation of their relationship to erode, he should’ve sent her the screen shot immediately and said we need to discuss this face-to-face when I return. If she’s constantly on him, he should’ve done the same thing and say we need to discuss this when he gets home. The steps should’ve been the same with him sending the screen shot. Where the fork in the road hits is when they determine together who is impacting their relationship’s foundation and progress negatively.