When you date people, they tell you secrets.
They don’t even wait until after sex. You could be a few drinks in, and before the final gulp of an overpriced Mojito they’ll tell you, “you should know, I can get really jealous”, “I think I just get bored of people easily”, “I can be REALLY selfish”.
And the funny thing is: it’s always true.
Cue the Maya Angelou quote: “When people show you who they are, believe them.” But sometimes they don’t even have to show you. They’ll just outright say it.
When people volunteer these things that make them look like a bad partner, it’s a coded warning. I said it now, so don’t tell me later you didn’t know.
Maybe they are guilty. Maybe we like to get our excuses in early. I don’t know the reason, but what I do know is this: you get better at finding love by getting better at listening. Listening to people’s problems. Listening to people’s needs. And of course, listening to people’s warnings.
Why do we fail at this? Because we’re selfish. Because it’s easier to live in our hopes and fantasies and then feel “wronged” later on rather than walk away now and forego immediate gratification.
Or we get lost in our romantic excuse, “I want to be a risk-taker”. I WANT TO RISK IT ALL FOR LOVE.
Well, I think walking into a brick wall requires risk. To your nose. But it’s still pretty certain what the outcome is.
You know what else is risk?
Having the guts to say “no thanks”. Walking away from the wrong thing. It takes guts to quiet that little voice in our head that says, “but, but, but…what about my warm cozy feeling of comfort? Can’t I just sleep with this person a few times, get emotionally attached (just a little), binge eat delivery donuts in front of the TV for a while with them, and then get disappointed later down the line when they do exactly what they said they would?”
You could do that. That’s the easy path.
Or you could say “I’m going to risk dropping it for something better.”
Interesting blog because I’m going through this right now. He warned me to not expect anything more than great sex, which hasn’t happened yet. He said we can’t ever be the forever thing because he’s done that several times and it turns ugly. We can only be lovers. I had no problem with this. My problem was he didn’t want to be exclusive which was the only thing I asked for. He admitted to liking me yet tells me he’d like to frequently be with other women he meets if that should ever present itself. Well I have my reasons for exclusivity. So at this point we are at a standstill. I did say some horrible things and apologized for them. We’ve known each other for years and it’s just these last 6 mos that its become more personal. I haven’t had a response for 4 days since I hurt his feelings. I do like him and feel somewhat broken hearted. I know he has a fear of rejection. I’m just not sure what to do. We broke up last month and he reached out twice and we slowly started talking again. Now we’ve hit a road block again. Sometimes I think he uses that rejection card to get what he wants so I don’t know what to think anymore.
Well yes that blog post said it all!
I love Maya Angelou,i always read her quotes of wisdom.
But Stephen you say:”When people volunteer these things that make them look like a bad partner, it’s a coded warning. I said it now, so don’t tell me later you didn’t know.” What if these people are just wanting to say it out loud to the partner hoping that they will be accepted and loved despite the way they are? And I am not talking about the man in this case but the woman?
I mean we are all humans and we all have bad sides of our characters, we are not perfect, does it mean we have to leave every time we sense something wrong, rather than just accept it if it is aligned with our values and work on the relationship?
In the scenario I am the one who is afraid of the relationship and is ready to leave fast. Does it mean that all men has to run away from me? Or someone who knows that fact about me is ready to has the courage to remain with me despite the fact and give it a try to build something together?
I would like to know your opinion.
Happy Friday the 13th !! :)
Greetings,
Plami
Absolutely correct and also don’t judge the book by the cover ✨
Hi guys; Stephen and Matthew,
First I must say that great minds do think alike, both you and Stephen do give useful tips. Matt, I’ve watched your video about texting and some of your tips, I’ve texted before. I was texting this guy and recently I decided to end it because all he wanted to was a FWB situation. As much as we’ve had some great texting moment, that’s just it. He’s never asked me out. The only connection we’ve had, has been through texting. As much as COVID has redirected peoples lives in different ways, there are men out there who are using texting as a tool to just get their sexual gratification, which will cause women to continue experiencing the feeling of being used.
It’s frustrating that a genuine woman who wants a loving and meaningful relationship, finds it hard to meet a genuine man who wants a loving and meaningful relationship. It seem, that texting on some levels (or in some ways) has transformed relationship or the lack there of, into something even more displeasing than before.
I’ve been watching the Bachelorette and I see 20 guys who are looking for their love/wife. They are willing to be vulnerable on TV and expose their heart in the situation of so many guys going for one woman. So, it makes me wonder, why are men afraid to just be genuine, loving and vulnerable?
If you don’t mind, please do share your thoughts on this.
Thank you.
Hey Matt hope you’re doing great!! I’m a 24 Year old confident woman from India but not 100 pc when it comes to love… Still imma get it short and to the point. I’ve applied some of your tips when I last dated someone say X and it worked so well though it ended due to other reasons.
, but before dating X, I was deeply in love with a guy say A (sadly one sided).
2. A treated me well when we met, but as friends. I didn’t have the courage to flirt with him, I shivered to the soul when he even touched me or talked to me and I kind of liked(never happened with others though). I could talk to him about anything from our subjects to music but not about my inclination towards him and I’m talking about Teenage.
3. Then after 3 years i finally mailed A my feelings. Turns out I’m rejected but i was so vulnerable in that mail, that i was friendzoned.
4. Now A turned awkward with me and all his tryings disappeared. It was me doing efforts when he called me once in many months. So one fine day a friend of mine having pity on my situation drops him a text to never text me again (with my consent). She also says some harsh words. (I’m not friends with her anymore because it never felt right inside to have done that at the first place)
5. A confesses through a mail that he feels guilty but thats it. It ended.
6. I then approach him sometime later and asked him if he was just being nice to me all this time for the sake of being nice and that is it true he never even wanted the friendship?
7. A then over a text replies all the harsh words he could use for the first time to crush my self esteem and self worth and blocks me. I still had his email so I wrote him words to explain but of no use(here i made all possible mistakes you talk about ). It took me 2 years to get over this but as a result I’ve lost the courage to face our common friends and people around him. We never met after that incident.
8. I then took to his insta and tried one last time explaining, confessing and what not in short which finally ended with a cuss word i had to send which he used for me earlier. Before that “friend incident” at least he had respect for me as he mentioned that he think it was me who texted him and not any friend of mine.
9. My question is NOT about how to get him back. But HOW to get my self respect back and gain his respect back again(i wish the latter is possible) . We’re on mail, and all social media (not following each other) I’m working and studying right now and focused on my career.
10. Chances are this comment might get lost in thousands but in case you are reading this…i really need your help in this Matthew cuz i can’t trust anyone else with it anymore
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Everyone tells me I suck and I am starting to believe them