If You Feel “There Aren’t Enough Great People” For A Relationship…

Stephen Hussey

In a new video this week, Matt and I spoke about our top 5 dating myths.

And one of them was, “there aren’t enough great people out there”. 

It was fascinating the read the comments in response to this point. Both men and women replied with the same accusations towards the other.

The specific comments I won’t quote verbatim, but the general tenor goes along the lines of:

  • “You’re wrong. Men don’t try anymore.” 
  • “Women want only perfection and won’t settle for anything less. It’s impossible.”
  •  “You should see some of the crappy dates/rejections I’ve had. Where are all the good people?” 

I don’t doubt the sincerity of these comments. I have been through the treadmill of single life. I’ve seen behind the curtain of the ugly dating world too. 

I’ve felt the malaise and general despondency that arises when you go for yet another disappointing drink with someone who doesn’t live up to what you hoped for when exchanging text messages. Or the cold sting of a rejection from the first person you were mildly excited about in months. 

Or maybe it’s just too many cycles of arriving home from work, watching TV alone, and wondering if it’s even possible for you to hit what feels like the astronomically improbable jackpot of meeting someone you’re both (a) physically attracted to, and (b) actually wantto talk to every day.

I’ve been there. And every time I’ve eventually been proven wrong when I’ve lapsed into pessimism.

Why?

Because this is only a story.

One that we gradually spin in our head every day. It’s the same false story that people in bored couples tell themselves about what a golden meadow of freedom the single life will be if they could only ditch this crappy relationship. 

Every time some voice worms into your mind and says, “I’m the only one out here trying. I keep healthy. I work on myself. I have a good job, great friends, interests and passions, and yet there’s no-one who seems to offer the same back!”, that’s not reality talking. It’s exasperation. 

It can feel like you’ve been dealt a cruel hand. Or that you’re somehow playing the game wrong. Like other people who do this whole relationship thing well must have access to come code that wasn’t passed on to you. Or maybe they all congregate on a super secret dating hotspot where all the great people meet up and leave the rest of us to starve on Tinder, Bumble, or whatever other stupid app is considered the new best way to download love right now.

The truth is: it’s always a story. 

And it only requires ONE new data point to change the ending. 

You’re not looking for a thousand people who want what you have to offer. You’re looking for one. 

It’s the height of arrogance to assume that we are so unique that we can’t find just one soul out there that matches with us, that wants the same things as us, that shares our values. 

Falling into pessimism isn’t just counter-productive, it’s just false.

True, most people expect more of relationships than ever. Probably you do too. That’s ok. But it still means we have to be willing to give people a chance at the beginning.  

If we’re dismissive, we’ll soon find we get dismissed. If we’re confrontational, we’ll soon find ourselves pushing people away. If we’re cynical, we’ll lose all the optimists and be left with othercynical people like us. 

This isn’t wishy-washy “law of attraction” fluff. It’s just the way human psychology tends to work. People who approach dating a bit more lightly, with a sense of fun and curiosity, tend to seek out and attract similar people.  

So some general thoughts if you’re stuck in the cynical loop:

  • Be open-minded about whom you meet, but be SUPER selective about whom you invest in emotionally. Most people do the opposite.
  • Make meeting people a regular part of your life – not just something you once a month. The more people you meet, the more GREAT people you’ll eventually meet. (Just as long as you vary up the location). 
  • Stop blaming the entire opposite sex for not being good enough. It’s too tempting and it’s a total losing game. There are great people of both sexes out there. PERIOD. You’re not the luckiest person in the world when you find one, and you’re not the unluckiest just because you haven’t found your one yet. 
  • Ok, it’s true. There aren’t enough amazing, incredible, growth-minded people in the world. There never are. It would be wonderful if everyone we met was playing at the highest level. But then it wouldn’t be special. If we’re going to expect the best, we have to work on being that ourselves. Then let go of our ego and focus on connecting again, rather than judging.
  • Give people a chance – I’ve been blown away time and time again by how much I can misjudge and be surprised by people when I’ve been willing to be open to opportunity. Being dismissive is not only unattractive, but it’s a huge hindrance to finding someone great if you can’t even give people a chance to show you it in the first place.

Ok, that’s about it for my jumbled thoughts on this one.

By the way, it would be misleading if I have made it sound as though most of the comments on the video weren’t lovely and positive. Most were. These comments seem worth addressing though given how often I’ve heard the “no-one is good enough” complaint. Certainly enough to warrant trying to dispel some of the cynicism of those who espouse it.

Thanks for all your thoughtful and kind comments!  

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

7 Responses to If You Feel “There Aren’t Enough Great People” For A Relationship…

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  1. Laura says:

    Lots of these complaints come from a place of fear from intimacy!
    When you are generally afraid to be in a committed relationship you find reasons to explain why there is nobody for you and why they are all idiots or not good enough!
    Often the truth is that we want to be in a relationship but are terriefied of the idea spending our time so close with this new partner. For a lot of people staying single means staying safe but instead of complaining about men and dating we should learn to set healthy boundaries, communicate our needs properly and get away from people who don’t respect our boundaries! But when we are busy staying alone because we are afraid of true intimacy of course our needs of connection and love are starving inside and then we have a complete cycle. This is the reason why we get into relationships with people who treat us badly because we are desperate for connection. Our desperation for love makes us unable to set healthy boundaries and to walk away from abusive people who then fuel our fear of intimacy again!
    We have to face our fear of intimacy and work on communicating our boundaries and needs and be open and brave when someone shows up in our life that wants to love us because our instinct will be like so terrified of love and of losing it again….
    but it is worth it and it is possible to have a healthy relationship with respect love kindness and passion but we people who are afraid of intimacy need to let it happen slowly and we need to take our time in trusting the right person the relationship we all crave happens in years not weeks!
    It happend for me so it can for everyone else too!!!!

  2. Kate says:

    “There aren’t enough great people” – to connect to.

    I think there are probaby lots of very good people, but I find it really hard to “find” them, i.e. to connect to them in the first place as so many people seem to bury their faces in their various electronic devices.

    Personally, I find it rather easy to communicate with people, but feel that a growing number of people have neither a good connection to themselves (and their needs/feelings/desires) nor their friends, let alone strangers who start any kind of non-verbal or verbal communication with them.

  3. Megan says:

    “Being dismissive is not only unattractive, but it’s a huge hindrance to finding someone great if you can’t even give people a chance to show you it in the first place”…

    I had to admit to myself when I read this that sometimes I’m guilty of being dissmissive. Just this week at a birthday party, some friends of mine wanted to introduce me to one of their co-workers they previously mentioned to me. I felt a little caught off guard. They kept telling me how shy he is but once you get past that he’s a good guy. I tried making eye contact to start (because I was nervous too) but he literally was looking at the ground every time I looked at him. I ended up leaving the party without actually introducing myself because I sort of wrote him off. Thanks Stephen for helping me see something I need to work on. Now, off to go practice.

  4. kohisee says:

    So if you’ve been given poison, a few times or more, when you thought it was water… you should still have an open, optimistic mind?

    What if the poison has done the kind of emotional damage that can be called trauma?

    It often takes trauma upon trauma upon trauma until the rubber duck no more pops up to the surface.

    Traumatized people sink.

    Just get your shit together and stop being so negative, right?

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Hi Kohisee,

      I would never want to minimise the effects of trauma, and of course emotional damage may require significantly more time and/or professional help to work through in order to feel ready to trust in others again. In this blog I primarily focused on those whose complaint I perceived to be “there isn’t anyone out there good enough for me” i.e. no-one meets my high standards, rather than the case you’re referring to of suffering trauma from a past relationship and not feeling ready *at all* to be vulnerable to anyone again. In such a case I fully appreciate it is significantly more difficult to change that mindset and wouldn’t want to treat it lightly – hope that clarifies a bit.

      Wish you all the best and thanks for you comment.

      Stephen

  5. Lakshmi says:

    “another disappointing drink with someone who doesn’t live up to what you hoped for when exchanging text messages”
    This happens not only in personal life but in the professional scenario. People are so hallucinated with words. Its painful to see when they don’t behave like they talk. It is only nudging me towards labelling myself as not normal.
    “confrontational, we’ll soon find ourselves pushing people away”
    Guilty. Figured the reason, working on fixing it.
    I strongly believe in that one data point changing everything. I’m an optimist :)

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