3 Big Problems with THAT Vanity Fair Article on Tinder, and the Truth About Dating Today…

I’ve spent a few days considering Nancy Jo Sales’ Vanity Fair article “Tinder And The Dawn Of The Dating Apocalypse”.

In case you didn’t read it, the article kicked up a big storm for its harsh take-down of what it perceived to be the growing hit-it-and-quit-it hookup culture ushered in by dating apps like Tinder, which is now essentially considered the McDonald’s of internet dating – it’s fast, easy, and you tend to do it when you’re in a bit of a rush.

Sales argues that this kind of handy takeout delivery version of online dating is breeding a generation of lazy, uncaring, selfish bro-dudes who are getting so much sex-on-tap they no longer have any reason to commit to serious relationships.

Hence, Tinder is a game rigged in favour of the boys, but one that everyone ultimately loses.

Tinder

The men miss out on any meaningful connection, the women miss out on relationships (but they do get dick pics, lots and lots of dick pics). Sound the trumpets! Take to the streets! The dating apocalypse cometh! etc..

Articles referring to doom and gloom in the dating landscape are nothing new. ‘Hookup culture’ is a term that’s been in the zeitgeist for some time, and since many of our mums have at least heard of Tinder, it’s now routinely thrown in with everything else that is supposed to be “ruining love” for all us old romantics out there.

I’ve not weighed in formally on these subjects in writing, but I feel it’s time.

At best I see much hyperbole in the points made, at worst a real lack of understanding of what is really going on.

There is a real aspect of truth in the Vanity Fair piece, but I would like to restore a little balance before coming to it.  What saddened me most is that I felt it missed an opportunity to ask some of the most pressing and fundamental questions about this particular subject, which I’ll attempt to do here.

Let’s start with the bad:

Problem 1: It’s wrong about men

I think both men and women have cause to be upset by this article.

Let’s deal with men first. The piece has taken the word of a small handful of twenty-something guys in New York and made them the voice of men everywhere. This is wrong for a number of reasons.

Firstly, they are twenty somethings, and secondly, they live in New York. These are both major facts that need to be taken into account in everything they say.

The guys interviewed also make extreme claims about their sex lives.

As one of the guys (John) puts it: “I can go on my phone right now and no doubt I can find someone I can have sex with this evening, probably before midnight”.

Brian says “When it’s so easy, when it’s so available to you, and you can meet somebody and fuck them in 20 minutes, it’s very hard to contain yourself”.

Fellas. Please. Teach me your ways. Because neither me nor any of my successful guy friends have that experience, and we’re also young, and cool, and doing ok with our lives. (I also happen to live in New York and am single, yet I can’t find one friend who relates to these Dionysian tales of one-swipe sex on a nightly basis).

I suddenly have the same thought I had whilst at university: “Where is this fuck-fest everyone keeps talking about?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not playing the violin for myself or my friends, but really?

In case I want to feel any more inadequate, there’s also Alex, who’s slept with “5 different women he met on tinder in the last eight days” and Marty who “Slept with 30-40 in the last year”.

The truth is, these men sound exactly like twenty-somethings. And I hate to say it, but they sound like twenty-somethings who are trying a little too hard to convince us of how much they are getting laid. Many of the guys I know who are actually good with women wouldn’t be caught dead quoting their numbers in this embarrassing way.

These men will likely talk differently when they are 35, at which point they may come to cringe at the way they used to talk the way many men will have cringed when they read their words in Vanity Fair.

tinder3

In case anyone needed reminding, men are not all the same, and they don’t all just want casual hook ups all the time.

It also seems appropriate here to remind ourselves that neither are all places the same.

At one point a guy references: “It’s like ordering Seamless, But you’re ordering a person”. I couldn’t help but think that this line sums up the article. A reference to a food takeout site that most of America won’t relate to any more than the people across diverse parts of America will relate to the situation it’s being made analogous to.

I came away feeling like this whole article was a one-sided insight into one very small strata of society, at a very specific age, operating in a very ‘sceney’ part of New York.

And though New York may be considered the dating Mecca of North America for men who want plenty of options, the proportion of men who have anything like the experience being talked about by these young studs is ridiculously low.

Not only that, but it completely underplays the seductiveness of getting into a relationship for guys. The guilty secret about men is that despite their protestations that they want to be single, most have a hard time saying no to relationships when they meet someone they have a real connection with. Why? Because when they meet someone they like it feels good, they get close to them, and naturally they stop wanting to see the other people they have no connection with. Men constantly mock each other for their inability to stay single.

Do we really believe guys are meeting the would-be woman of their dreams on Tinder, having a one-night stand with her, then immediately pulling out their iPhone and finding someone new to replace her with, proceeding of course to delete said dream woman’s phone number and never call her again because they can click their fingers replace her with someone equally perfect the next night?

This is not only cynical, but ludicrous.

It’s a cartoon picture of men than even the most bro-saturated frat boy comedy would be embarrassed to uphold.

Problem 2: It absolves everyone of responsibility for their love lives

The second problem I had was on behalf of women. For a guy to have sex, a woman needs to say yes.

If women don’t like the behaviour they are getting from guys, they don’t have to sleep with them. It’s as simple as that.

When Amanda in the article says “There is no dating. There’s no relationships…you could have a fling that could last like seven, eight months and you could never actually call someone your ‘boyfriend’”, I think to myself, that’s your fault. You could have left 7 months ago, but you chose to go along with a situation which you settled for instead of being clear about what you wanted and promptly leaving if you didn’t get it.

When the young ladies are saying: “Who doesn’t want to have sex? But it feels bad when they’re like, ‘See ya’” I think, then wait at least wait one more date to discover the character of the guy before you sleep with him. By all means hook up immediately if you’re after a casual fling, but know that it’s unlikely he’ll turn into a consummate gentleman post-sex. It’s the same the other way around. When a guy in the VIP area of a club takes home a woman who started a conversation with, “Hey, how are you? Can we have some of your Champagne?” I would hope he’s not surprised when in the morning she isn’t going out to buy fresh croissants with him and start asking about his interests.

When did we get so awful at reading early signals in an age where everyone is so blatantly obvious with them? It takes me all of two drinks to know well-enough whether I want to wake up next to someone or not.

I remember an evening recently where my date didn’t ask me one question about myself the entire time, barely smiled, made comments like “why do they let so many people in here these days…”, and was periodically checking her phone. Within one drink I knew she had selfish tendencies, was elitist, rude, and had a pretty unpleasant demeanor. Maybe I just had her all wrong. But it was enough for me. I left.

Which does of course beg the question, what happened to my ‘do-anything-to-get-it-in-attitude’ that the article suggests us male zombies of the dating apocalypse have? Must have been an off day I guess. Or could it be perhaps that despite the apparent rise of the ‘fuckboy’ (a term that comes oddly close to reverse slut-shaming), many of us guys actually prefer do value the personality of the woman we’re spending time with.

The bottom line is this: women are responsible for the standards they accept from a man. Not only that, but the standards they expect from a man will determine the quality of men they attract.

tinder girl

I find the final line here from John very telling:

I’ve gotten numbers on Tinder just by sending emojis, without actually having conversation – having conversation via emojis,” After having offered up the emojis for pizza and beer. “Now is that the kind of women I potentially want to marry? Probably not.

In other words, the type of woman John wants to commit to one day is precisely the kind of woman who wouldn’t respond to this nonsense. How many women these days are not being taken seriously precisely because they reward a man for what he knows is idiotic behaviour?

While we are on the subject of taking responsibility, can we stop blaming Tinder (or any other app for that matter) for men’s lack of respect for women? It does a disservice to both sexes. No matter how many people I sleep with I can guarantee it will never make me intentionally unkind or disrespectful to women. I am in no way in denial about how disgusting men’s behaviour can be online, which makes it all the more important to ensure that they are made to take responsibility for the way they treat women. It’s unacceptable for men to shrug off this responsibility by saying “the app made me do it”.

If you are a shitty guy on Tinder, you’re a shitty person. Period.

Problem 3: Human nature isn’t suddenly changed by an app

I wanted to say to everyone in this article: “Your beef isn’t with Tinder, it’s with people”.

If Tinder is showing what many people are like when they think they have a lot of options, that’s a very different thing than saying it’s changing who people fundamentally are. These struggles with the bigger questions of settling down vs. playing the field are tired old questions.

The notion that men want lots of sex and that women are more likely to feel used by hookups is painfully obvious. Where exactly is the big revelation? Human beings were this way before apps came along. They’ve just found the technological liquor cabinet, that’s all.

In any case, let’s be careful of exaggeration. It’s simply not true that we now live in a world where it’s all meaningless and people don’t want relationships. Yes people still have issues with monogamy, they always will. But they still want relationships. Both can be true at the same time. Free love and ambivalence over the difficulties of traditional couplehood did not begin with Tinder. Let’s not fall into the trap of believing that people are evolving just as quickly as our technology. Human evolution takes place over millions of years. Our core desires haven’t changed, and Tinder hasn’t ushered in Huxley’s Brave New World overnight. Relax.

The truths of this article we have to wrestle with…

  1. Increases in our perceived choice will always drive up our standards.

More choice = fussier people. We know this. But what’s wrong with that? We should be fussy in this area of our lives, and we mustn’t be afraid of our ‘perceived competition’. If the only reason we were right for our partners before was that they couldn’t get anyone else we must have been in some really sad relationships.

I choose to be a little more romantic than that. I believe that there are people in life with whom we truly connect, who make everyone else fade away. We choose them not because they are objectively the most special person in the world, but because we have something special with them. Relationships are not a game of top trumps.

The answer to seemingly complex problems is often simple. In this case, it’s following Steve Martin’s advice “Be so good they can’t ignore you”. Which brings me on to my final point…

  1. Our social skills are getting worse

You may be reading my previous point about upping your game and feeling daunted by the prospect, but there’s great news for you: it’s easier to stand out these days than ever.

That is because although human needs and desires haven’t changed, their competence levels have. Competence is something that can change in a single generation, and this is a generation whose social skills are becoming stunted by social media.

If you are the 1 in 10 people in a bar, a café, a restaurant, who still knows how to start a conversation and put your best foot forward…You. Will. Win. Because as always, the way to stand out is not to play the same game everyone else is playing, and right now the most valuable commodities in the dating marketplace are authenticity and a backbone. This is not just true for men, but women too. The woman who will win is the one who is able to go out and subtly start a conversation with the guy whom other women aren’t meeting because he’s not running up to every woman in the room.

Our dear friend John, who sends pizza and beer emojis on Tinder, will one day have a real conversation with a woman who is smart, kind, sexy and interesting, and who expects the same from him. Then he’ll want a relationship with her, that is, if he still remembers how to talk to a woman at that point.

The bigger cultural question on my mind is not about Tinder, or the dating apocalypse. These things have a way of correcting themselves, so cover your ears to the noise in the meantime. Instead it’s this…

What has to happen now to ensure new generations don’t lose the fundamental people skills that are still essential to all of the best parts of life?  Building friendships, crafting careers we love, strengthening our bonds with family, attracting the right partner, and finally being a great partner. Young people may not notice the pain of failing to develop these skills now, but they will, because their absence will be palpable later on. And it will cost them dearly.

For now, I suggest you do the same as I do. Take some selfish pleasure in the knowledge that while everyone else is eroding their social skills, you can choose to build yours in the real world. After all, as a guy it’s easier to compete with a bunch of emoji-sending twenty something’s than live in a world of real-life Don Drapers. Then I’d really never get laid.

Matthew Hussey is a New York Times Bestselling Author, a columnist for Cosmopolitan magazine, and the formal contributor to The Today Show on NBC.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

45 Responses to 3 Big Problems with THAT Vanity Fair Article on Tinder, and the Truth About Dating Today…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Jondoe says:

    Your first point is especially important. When I first read the Vanity Fair “article” my first response was something like “what the actual fuck? Are the author and the girls who were interviewed such entitled gold diggers that they think only handsome investment bankers and musicians from NYC count as men, or are they just fucking clueless about the life of the average guy?”

    Which connects to the second point: if 1000 girls all swipe right only on the same small group of 10 handsome rich men, then yes, it’s going to be a buffet for those guys and the girls will put up with all kind of shit from these guys, naively hoping he will choose her in the end. These girls are their own worst enemies, and they tend to forget 990 guys are getting nothing.

    The only thing Tinder changed is that it gives the illusion of more choice, especially for the women, which raises their standards to unrealistic heights, so they end up getting used by a small group of men. In the end everyone becomes more miserable than they were before, except for those few men who get all the women.

  2. Laetitia says:

    Oh god. In a world of real life don drapers, I’d choose nunhood. Does any man seriously look up to that type?

  3. Ashley Daugherty says:

    I’m glad you addressed this but it is still a plague on college campuses. Yes, you are right women should not accept it but if that’s all that’s offered then what? Also and yes this is anecdotal evidence but many of the best relationships I have seen started out as one night stands, friends with benefits etc. Many millenials maybe hoping for that and some actually succeed. Ultimately however you need to consider: ghosting, the slow fade, cuffing season, being on the roster and so on. Yes, those are all real things I’ve seen them in action. At a certain point something better doesn’t come along and you missed an opportunity. I guess that’s just what I see happening though. Again anecdotal I know. I still love you thoughts and points however, even if I don’t always agree with them. ;)

    • Kate says:

      “Yes, you are right women should not accept it but if that’s all that’s offered then what?” Then “Bye Felipe”! Have standards, take back the power by saying “NEXT”, move on and don’t settle for less. Men respect standards.

  4. Jessica says:

    I am so glad you decided to address this. Other issues with this kind of pathetic journalism is that many readers are going to be mislead and miss all the obvious giveaways that this piece of writing is either misguided or intentionally misleading. I feel sorry for all the women who are going to buy into these ideas.
    It’s very disempowering and not helpful at all.

  5. Andrea says:

    Hi Matt.
    I must tell I’ve had too many experiences on Tinder, Happn..etc and what I’ve found is that the majority of guys just want sex, just want the easy thing. Some guys I met up told me that these apps are just for having sex, though I wasn’t looking for that.
    I agree with you with the fact that not every guy wants to have a fling, but this is not what these apps have showed me.

  6. Cho says:

    love this!!! Matt you’re the best!

  7. Bali Wellness Retreat & Bali Yoga Travel says:

    Well said Mathew!!

  8. Emily says:

    Daily dose of Hussey realism.

  9. Sarah says:

    Hi Matthew,

    Thank you for sharing your blog on Facebook, I enjoyed reading your thoughts on the Vanity Fair article. I hadn’t seen the article, interesting read. I was actually thinking about going to Stout to watch some of the Rugby World Cup matches, but maybe I better try another sports bar then, if that is the crowd they have there.

    I am not one for casual hook ups (though I would like to get laid too) and have never tried Tinder, nor am I planning to. I have recently tried OkCupid after getting frustrated with eHarmony and Match.com. I was somewhat put off by it initially and received a few casual sex inquires (which I ignored), but I do have the impression at the moment that there a few more decent guys on there I can have a conversation with. That said I haven’t met them yet, so who knows what they are actually like.

    I find the one challenge with internet dating – apart from finding an interesting single guy obviously – is that you can’t tell if you actually have any chemistry or a connection with someone until you meet him. Which is so much easier when you meet someone in the real world. Or perhaps I should say if you meet someone in the real world – it takes courage to walk up to someone in a bar, cafe, or restaurant and start a conversation. But I am always working on improving my social skills. And I still appreciate when a guy makes the first move and asks me out on a date.

  10. Nathalie says:

    Real-life Don Drapers as competition?!?
    You must be pulling our leg! That or fishing for compliments — either way sir, fie on you! ;D

  11. Shannon Hooper says:

    I don’t know, Stephen. I’ve never had a lot of faith in humanity, and there have been a few recent events that have caused me to lose most of the little faith I had left. This is probably not the best time in my life to chime in on this subject, but if there’s anything I’m truly horrible at, it’s keeping my opinion to myself.

    There are a few good people in the world, both men and women. But most people are socially lazy and ethically apathetic or so self-absorbed that it amounts to the same thing (that’s probably the category I fall most into). I find that people want to decide who you are based on visual cues that usually have very little to do with who you are on the inside. And, I find that people usually care more about what they can get away with than what’s the right thing to do.

    For most women, it really just sucks being alone. Even for someone like me who’s been alone for most of my life and who’s very capable of taking care of myself, walking in the door every night into an empty room and going to sleep in an empty bed is really, really not the way I wanted to spend my life. Many, many women choose to keep their standards low so that they don’t ever have to be single. Like, ever. And a lot of the time I can’t really blame them.

    I’m not even going to try and guess what’s going on in men’s minds, but from the outside it looks a lot like what they care most about is status and how the women/woman in their lives can increase their social standing. That means that for women like me who don’t fall within certain prescribed parameters, we just aren’t considered valuable enough for many men to want to date. We won’t up their social status so we aren’t of any use. And, no, I’m not talking about weight or anything else that might raise health considerations.

    And I think online dating exacerbates those qualities in both sexes. I can’t tell you how many online profiles I’ve seen where the men blatantly and explicitly eliminate me based on my race (or, at least, half of my race) — I’d say probably 80%-90%. Whether I have standards or I’m smart, kind, sexy or interesting doesn’t factor into the equation at all. The only thing that truly matters is what I look like and what people might think if they see me with him. I tried online dating on and off for two years before I finally swore off of it. I simply refuse to pay for the privilege of being discriminated against on a continual basis. And, before you suggest that I try sites specifically for a certain race, I looked at a site for “exotic” women and just couldn’t deal with the idea of being fetishized either, so that was also a definite nope.

    I think the anonymity of online communities just doesn’t bring out the best in people. I wish I could say that face to face interactions bring out a better side, but much of the time I think that folks are just waiting for you to leave to say what they really think or to pass judgments that really have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

    I read an article recently about a woman who was purposely mis-identified as an Ashley-Madison user, and she was just so shocked to find out that once an accusation is out there, it doesn’t matter whether it’s true or not. People will believe it once it’s been said and it will color every interaction you have with almost everyone who’s heard it. And that’s the worst part about people voicing their judgments and opinions about you. Once they’ve been heard, it no longer matters whether they’re true or false.

    Anyway, this went a little off topic. But, you’re right. People who are shitty in an app are also shitty in real life. Too much of the time, though, it seems like the shitty ones are winning. Once in a while, it would be really, amazingly wonderful if the good guys won one.

  12. ANON says:

    Maybe your date as you say was “periodically checking her phone” during the date for safety reasons. Of course I think you would be a safe guy to be with on a date, but she might not have known much about you & was just letting her friend know everything was ok on the date & that she was ok (just sayin’!). Maybe she did seem rude to you & maybe she WAS rude…well at least you’ll recognize a nice mannerly girl when you get one, on another date!!

  13. Joanne says:

    I really appreciate your article. Even though logically, I understand that Vanity Fair did not construct a scientific assessment of the young people’s use of Tinder/dating apps and their behaviour, I found that article very depressing and it made me anxious about how the dating world evolves. :(
    I am not on Tinder myself, but it happens that the last people I dated I have met online. And they are actually nice, normal, shy men. So, hopefully, the world will not go crazy overindulging in easy, meaningless hook-ups that can be ordered online, like pizza.

  14. Ashley says:

    Thank you for this blog, this was blog I need to read. I need to foces on in active with people in real world and not online. And work on myself and what kind of guy I want to date long term. Thank you so much for what you do.

  15. Max says:

    You’re very smart person Matthew Hussey,iv really wasted big amount’s of time studying the subject from different teacher’s,but you’re the one that just hitting the point and explaining in a very available form and i am very thankful for you’r work!

  16. Natalie says:

    Thank you Matt, this commentary on THAT Vantity Fair Article is spot on. I too worry about the fact that people are losing their social skills and seem completely unable to communicate and interact in everyday life. As a teacher and auntie, I am worried about the next generation who have, in many cases, been raised by parents who are glued to their smart phones and some of whom can use iPads before they can even talk. I do my best with the kids I come into contact with to encourage and develop their communication skills and hope things take a turn for the better very soon. I think it’s a terrible thing to feel desperately alone and have no skills to be able to reach out and make connections with other people.

    I am getting hassled constantly by my friends to sign up to Tinder. In fact, the last time we went out to a few clubs they all had their phones out, swiping and checking out their latest Tinder matches, all the time ignoring not only me but the dozens of single men around them! They cannot understand why I won’t join Tinder as they think it will help me get over my ex quicker (you know, getting over him by getting under lots of other people!). My logic is that I am quite happy right now as since things ended in my last relationships I’ve taken up many new hobbies, from dancing to learning new languages and musical instruments, I’ve travelled loads, found a new job and made new connections along the way. I prefer to invest my time that way instead of wasting time on Tinder. When I do find the right guy I’ll be more relationship ready than I would have been had I went down the Tinder route.

    I doubt the kind of guy I’d want in my life would be on Tinder. I prefer to communicate face to face and think it’s a much better way of figuring out quickly just how compatible you are. I’m quite happy to strike up conversations with attractive strangers I meet in day to day life. Swiping someone’s picture to show interest is lazy and requires no effort or risk. I like taking risks and I like guys that are happy stepping out of their comfort zones and taking a chance now and again. However, finding an attractive stranger who isn’t glued to his phone is a little problematic!

    Sometimes, I wish I could hop back in a Time Machine to the days when people actually spoke to each other when they passed in the street and men would approach women and ask them to dance. Of course, I’m aware that I’m idealising the past but, what can I say? Good conversation, confidence, impeccable manners, treating me like a lady? THAT’s all the stuff I find sexy. Not pizza emojis and “Nice tits, love. Gimme a BJ.”

    • Cilla says:

      “Swiping someone’s picture to show interest is lazy and requires no effort or risk.” It’s easy to think that there is no effort or risk behind this method of meeting someone but consider that after two people swipe each other, and they have a genuine attraction and desire to get to know one another, they still need to take risks and make the efforts to move forward in their relationship. There’s many ways to meet people these days that give people opportunities to have fun, have experiences and find love…or at least make friends. I don’t think Tinder, or any dating website, should be considered a lazy way to meet people since they still need to make the effort to meet and hang out with them after.

      • Natalie says:

        Cilla, I’m sorry if you, or anyone else, feels offended by my opinion that Tinder is a lazy way of meeting someone. I agree that, in terms of following up on initial connections, there are some risks to be taken. However, those risks and efforts are the exact same as would have to be made with anyone you connect with; i.e if you met on a train for the first time, you would still have to take the steps to swap numbers, arrange dates etc. But that first step of approaching a stranger in real life, the risk of being rebuffed – in my opinion that requires more effort and risk than just swiping someone’s face. For a start, you have to leave the house lol! And you really have to think about how you present yourself during that first connection.

        From my point of view, I can see that my friends and colleagues are using Tinder to replace going out and meeting someone and, amongst those I know, I have not yet seen it lead to anything other than casual sex or random chats that go nowhere (so far!). What I can see, sadly, is some of the people I know, male and female, losing their faith in the opposite sex due to the way people are communicating with them on Tinder.

        I’d be the first to admit I’m old fashioned. I prefer speaking to someone on the phone rather than texting; I’d rather write a Thank You letter or leave a written note for a loved one rather than emailing or texting my appreciation. Making an effort is my way of showing I care and I appreciate someone doing the same for me. I feel, as a generation, we have got a little lazy in our ways of communicating and, dare I say, rejection phobic and Tinder, to me, is a by-product of this. Of course not everyone will agree with me and that’s fine!

        I think people taking an initiative and actually trying to be pro-active in their love lives is a positive thing, whether its signing up to a dating website or going out to a singles night. I feel internet dating does require more effort than Tinder and although I’ve never tried it myself I wouldn’t rule it out if I felt I wasn’t managing to meet anyone. However, I think a couple can only establish for definite how compatible they are when they spend time with each other in real life. You can’t edit yourself in the same way as you can online. You can’t put your most attractive Facebook picture out there. You are who you are in the flesh and you can learn a lot from those moments of spontaneity which emerge during a conversation. Of course, if you seem to connect online, you then meet up and you can figure all that out in due course, but I dunno… I guess I’d rather save time, money and effort and cut out the middle man! Hey, maybe that makes ME lazy, right?!

  17. Luisa says:

    Hey Matthew,

    I like your rebuttal, and you make a few good points–the sampling of charmers they quoted in the article certainly aren’t the greatest representation of people, and the women responding to these dolts aren’t doing themselves any favors by encouraging this behavior.

    That said, even if I’m making myself stand out by being the only girl in the room (the bar, the bookstore, the coffee shop, the concert, what have you) who’ll bother to talk to the guy she likes, that doesn’t seem to matter for shit, because men seem fucking terrified when I bother to talk to them first. Sure, we shouldn’t blame the app for eroding our romantic tendencies when people are just using the app to grab for meaningless sex, but god, the internet age overall has done a number on our ability to meet people in person. And I think that screws women over much more than men, because progressive as we’re trying to be, guys still are usually left to be the pursuers, and when you try to turn that stereotype on them, they flip out. Or at least, that’s been my experience.

    Anyway. Why are you dating girls like that? What did you initially see in her that made you even want to go out with her? TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE, DAMMIT!

  18. Rachel says:

    Very nicely said. I really enjoyed this piece (much more than the article in Vanity Fair), but I have to say I still feel that both the Vanity fair article and this one are missing a key aspect of dating in the 21st century – sometimes sex does come first.

    It’s 2015. While I agree that it is unlikely that you’re going to get a relationship from a guy who’s main method of communication is through the pizza and beer emoji’s on tinder, a huge percentage (if not the majority of relationships these days) start from a hook up or at least become sexual very quickly.

    I find your advice to be spot on and extremely helpful almost all of the time, but I have a big problem with the idea that having sex too early always leads to a casual fling. Almost all of the 20 somethings I know (men and women) have had sex with their potential partners before they start a relationship with them. Both of the serious, positive relationships I have had in my adult life began from sexual encounters.

    I agree that you should not be surprised when a man who solicits you for sex via tinder doesn’t make you breakfast in the morning, but I would make the same argument you made about tinder about sex; sex isn’t the problem it’s our people skills.

    Like you said in the article, I can tell if I want to go home with someone by the end of the second drink. And while certainly not all early sexual encounters turn into something real (nor would I want them to), but some of them do. Because like you said, if a person ends up having a real connection with someone they start to forget about everyone else, regardless of sex or tinder.

    Thanks for writing such a thought provoking article. It obviously gave me a lot to think about. ;)

  19. Shev says:

    Fabulous article Matt!! I read the Vanty Fair article and thought it to be one sided. Was the group of men a true microcosm of men using Tinder? Were the women accepting the behaviour with the hopes of changing the males behaviour?
    Really enjoyed the points you highlighted.
    Thanks again for your insightful thoughts!
    Warmest regards,
    Shev

  20. Shawnna Stiver says:

    You nailed it Matthew – pun NOT intended ;) ugh god, I didn’t even read the Vanity Fair article and the language still somehow rubbed off on me! Ha!

  21. Emma says:

    This article is so on point! Love your posts.

    When Amanda in the article says “There is no dating. There’s no relationships…you could have a fling that could last like seven, eight months and you could never actually call someone your ‘boyfriend’”, I think to myself, that’s you’re fault. You could have left 7 months ago, but you chose….

    I totally agree with this! As someone who’s been there, it is really liberating to own your mistake and acknowledge that you chose less for yourself.

    Also, one call out, I think there’s a typo, shouldn’t it say “that’s your fault”?

  22. Michelle says:

    There are some really great points in this article, but for some reason I feel more and more that the onus is always on a woman to make things better/right. Even to the point that we have to “teach” a guy what’s good behaviour. Yes that’s empowering but at the same time, c’mon why is it always us doing the hard work. Why can’t more men just be decent and know how to treat women with respect in the first place.

  23. Mi says:

    Thank you so much Matt for this fresh breath of sanity that your article makes me feel. I could not relate more and there is absolute truth in your words when you say that when women demand respect from men, they attract respectful men instead of scumbags. This is why ever since I read you and listen to your show I noticed a different kind of men trying to reach out to me. Thank you again for this!

  24. lida abdollahi says:

    Hi. I agree, but Tinder is not the only way we can find a boyfriend. I have met many nice men, but we couldn’t find a connection with eachother. There are so many gentlemen out there, it needs time to find the best person. Another issue is asking about having sex. Ladies don’t get offended by this, just ask them what they like in bed. Some of them even aren’t have ability to describe the way they have sex! Don’t be upset, try harder :-) thanks Matthew! I’ve always followed your strategies!

  25. lisa says:

    In all honesty  Tinder  is an app that gives you more opportunity to find a date. As a result, it increases the the “players” chances of meeting more women that they can easily get in bed with. On the other hand, it also increases the chance for
    well -intentioned men to meet women  that won’t settle for a pizza and beer emjoi . Yes, tinder makes  it easier and quicker to meet someone  without doing much  or having much social skills & inhibit the development of social skills and dating etiquette. If you saw someone in person that you are attracted to, you need courage to say hi and exchange at least one sentence before you can get a date. What tinder doesn’t do is provide the right social skills to get a second date or make a real connection.Tinder is like the  facilitator for  sexual attration, which isn’t bad because that is our biological nature.sexual attraction is what ignites curiosity & that’s it. And yes, we women are responsible for our own decisions  because as I have learnt we teach men how to respect us if they don’t  already  possess those  desirable respectable traits.  

  26. marie says:

    Its a fact glad to see someone take notice Tinder is the same equivalent of the Johns pick up hooker on the street now they put a nice spin off on it fake romance for desperate young woman that wants to have a guy with all the glitzt but not patient enough to built a relationship please do run a cover on AIDS in its complications while you are at it educate the public and may be thoses young goats will learn about ludicrous behaviour has a downside too

  27. Liz says:

    A considered, elegantly written and hopeful response Matthew.

  28. Kat says:

    Excellent article. I agree with the “problems” you list out with the original–that some guys want to seem like players, that women can and should be able to say what they want, app or no app–just, yes. Spot on! I had a date just last week, and the boy wanted to get frisky. I liked him, but wasn’t ready and told him so. This is what he texted once I had arrived home: “It’s very Sexxxy I think for a woman to stick to her guns. Thank you for a fabulous evening–can’t wait to see you again.” If his response had been different, perhaps accusatory, then I would have known he wasn’t worth my time anyway! Thank you for this article.

  29. Karen says:

    What I love the most about your insight is that you speak not just for the good of the dating world, but for the good of both men and women and human beings. This whole “Men are from Mars” mentality is so tiresome, outdated, and unfair. I think it’s sinply tempting to buy into these sexist belief systems because it’s hard to be young and it can be hard to be single. Cynicism is used as a wall people put up, but it’s lacking in substance and purpose.
    We need more people like you to think along these lines and be comfortable with it! It’s easy to let an article like the vanity fair one explain your glass-half-empty woes, but I’m certain we’re all capable of shifting perspectives :). Thanks again for being present and insightful and genuinely weary of bullshit. You inspire me to do the same!

  30. Marina Perez says:

    Hi Matt!

    I live in LA and have the absolute worst luck with dating! I have tried multiple dating sites including Tinder and could not agree more with your post. I’m a teacher so communicating for me comes naturally – and many of the men I’ve gone out on dates with have no idea how to communicate. They are completely different people in person than their texts suggest. They flinch at the thought of speaking on the phone and the idea of committing to one person for longer than a couple of hours seems like a nuclear challenge. They don’t realize that relationships regardless if love or friendship based require time and effort! Online dating fosters a “First Date” culture! I’ve been on a ton of first dates and I’m sure many women can relate. There is a “the grass is greener” effect and men/women become disposable…often times dropping off the face of the earth with no regard to people’s feelings/emotions.

  31. Marta says:

    Hi Matt,

    I just read this article and I couldn’t agree more. I think it feels like it’s more widespread now only because 1. these apps are online, which brings all the issues about anonymity (to some extent) and the belief that things said online don’t matter as much, this whole “cool persona” people seem to show on the Internet. 2. Because we are interacting more easily. Normally, women would only wait for a guy to approach them, which would lead to very few interactions, whilst now on these apps, it’s a constant stream of interactions.
    Some of these guys, when your call them out on their manners, they actually feel embarrassed (some won’t, but there’s always “that guy”) and it’s up to us to hold our own standards. Whenever a guy says something rude to me on Tinder, I call them out on it, and then I think to myself: this is not the guy I want for myself.
    I’ve also been around people who never ask a single question, and to be honest, if you’re not even interested in asking me how I feel about the weather (bare minimum), then I have no interest in you.
    I agree that by holding our standards and being true to ourselves, we will stand out from the crowd and attract those who are worth it. It might take longer, but then again, a homemade Sunday roast is so much better than a Big Mac!! ;)

  32. Hayley says:

    You get what you’re willing to get on Tinder – just like in person. He’s married? Call him out. He just wants a hook up? Playfully (or not so playfully) tell him where he can find it if it’s not with you. Yes – my matches went down when I wrote “not looking for random sex” on my profile – but so did the sleazy messages.
    I still don’t know if I think tinder is for me – because I think my best quality is my vibrance which doesn’t show over a screen – but 3 of my friends are long term dating guys they met on tinder – and only 1 of them slept with him on their first date!!

  33. Vicki says:

    i had a great date with a guy I met on Tinder last Friday and we are going out again this Friday. He made it clear to me on the date how he doesn’t date around and prefers relationships. He was a gentleman and he even walked me to my car when it was over. The best part was that I was only thinking we were going to be at the bar for drinks, but then drinks turned into dinner and he even paid and I offered to pay for mine, but he said no. I met worst guys on the paying websites. He hasn’t said anything inappropriate to me and I have a good feeling. He gave me eye contact the whole time and never even took his phone out. It was the best date I really ever had.

  34. L says:

    I was enthralled with the whole article, Matthew! It has been a long time since ive seen an article written by you which is awesome to see. My question is kind of the opposite of being a slut, but do men get afraid of women when they find out she’s a virgin? And at what date should I tell him that fact? Thanks for all you do.

    PS: Why on earth would a woman who is on a date with YOU would be aloof and not ask invest?? Someone crazy.

    • L says:

      Also I think its all about where your meeting men. If all your doing is meeting men online… yea your going to meet only 1 type. Ladies go out in the real world to find a better quality of men.

  35. Catherine says:

    Bravo!! I’ve met plenty of great men on Tinder. Not necessarily TheOne, but authentic men that I have been quite pleased to meet. I originally thought Tinder was a hookup site. However, I find it is better than drudging through unwanted emails via other online dating sites. Only men I find attractive can message me ~ Awesome! As a 40y woman living in SE Ohio, this app has been perfect for me. Dating just got a whole lot easier. The pictures say a lot about a man as do the few words they choose to tell about themselves. It has given me the opportunity to meet men I otherwise would never have met. Stay positive people! TheOne is out there!!

  36. jj says:

    Genration,men likes sex even there weeks,months,year…if u knw to bring ur relationship to the level u hook it,actually…now,no one can treasure ‘no sex because we are gf/ng…its hard today..im 2 yrs single and no sex cause dont have bf…am very careful now

  37. Megan Latte says:

    Hey Matt,

    I’m a girl who is on multiple dating sites including tinder and my new favorite bumble. My question is… Why do Men find it necessary to “brag” to the potential girl they are trying to court with their sexcapades? This is honestly a turn off for me when a great conversation makes a huge U- turn to hear about the blow job he just got from some “hot chick” last week. Or when then send a dick pic while your in the middle of a conversation about life goal. I really just do not get what’s going thru their minds to make that ok.

    • Holly says:

      They’re doing you a favour: letting you know right up front that they are NOT what you want. Thank them for that and move on. :)

  38. Yunnie says:

    Social skills are getting worse

    Starting conversation seemed hard for men! I encountered couple matches but the conversations were always boring…Always how is your day, morning, evening, and whats your plan for the nite or weekend? Rarely on Tinder, I found someone who genuinely would start good conversation. Finding cues, questions from pictures and profiles. To me, people don’t read/ care about profiles. Thats how I felt.

  39. Elīna says:

    Hey!
    I would just like to say that if everyone is so shocked about men just getting sex partners through Tinder then why none thinks about the other side of that – there are these women who agree to have sex and I dont think they think that after that they will get married with the same guy.

    And its not always 100% about sex, sometimes you can find really nice persons with whom to chat or maybe even meet. It always depends on the person who you are and what you want.

    It is always your CHOICE to say yes or no!
    And if men are asking in Tinder for sex then they are doing that just because they know IT IS POSSIBLE to get easy sex there. They wouldnt ask if there wouldnt be an offer..

Read previous post:
Embracing The Moment… [Love The Journey – Part 5]

Barbecue, Beer, and Bluegrass music... Flying into Dallas I knew that it was time to really let loose. I've found...

Close