How To Have ‘That’ Conversation

Wow, this guy connects with me on so many levels. We like the same movies and books. We have passionate, romantic sex. We can talk for hours and both care about family.

It’s never felt this good before with anyone. I feel I can really be myself and relax around him. 

But is he looking for this to go somewhere? I don’t want to blow it. How do I ask him if this is for real, or if it’s just casual fun for him…

*     *     *     *     *     *

It’s difficult in the early dating stage to know when it’s time for the relationship talk.

You may have a guy who seems to make a ton of effort, who says you’re like no woman he’s ever met, but you still haven’t had the BIG conversation to define yourself as an exclusive couple.

couple smiling in bed

In this article, I’m going to make this part of dating a lot easier. This shouldn’t be a cause for high anxiety – it should be just a natural step that you approach as you get closer to a guy.

But that being said, timing does matter here.

So to begin, before you ever have the relationship talk, it’s important to first know the signs that a guy is thinking about a relationship so that you don’t waste your time.

Signs A Guy Wants A Relationship (Or Just Casual Dating)

man thinking about love

So, unfortunately guys don’t walk around with a sticker on their head that says, “I’m looking for something serious with you”.

How do you decide then whether this is just a bit of casual fun for him, or whether it’s just a matter of time before he asks you to be his girlfriend?

Luckily, guys aren’t that subtle. You just need to pay attention to five crucial signs that will give you a clue to his intentions:

  • He wants to see you at least once or twice a week.
  • He initiates texting or calling on a regular basis.
  • He doesn’t say things like “I enjoy being single right now”.
  • He spends quality time with you (i.e. not just “booty calling” you to come over late at night on the weekends).
  • He casually talks about plans involving both of you in the future (e.g. trips and vacations).
  • He asks about wanting to be sexually exclusive.

If you see at least 4-5 of these signs, then it’s safe to say that things are looking pretty good for you both moving towards a relationship.

However, it’s crucial that you never just assume that you are exclusive with a guy. This doesn’t mean you need some huge conversation, but you do need to feel open enough to raise the subject of “What are we?” and have a frank discussion about it.

Until you’ve had the relationship talk, never just assume it’s official.

I’ve seen many people over my years of coaching who get hurt this way and waste months or years with the wrong guy because they never brought up the conversation of defining what they wanted the relationship to be. Don’t make that mistake.

The Male Approach To Defining The Relationship

man kissing woman

Typically, men will be a little bit slower than the average woman in terms of how fast they move the relationship forward (though not all guys – some guys will move far quicker than you are comfortable with – these “impulsive romantics” are also guys you should be wary of).

In general, many guys begin dating a woman not 100% certain if they want a relationship or not.

Some guys are committed to their single life, other guys date with the attitude of “If I meet an amazing woman, then I’ll have a relationship”.

If you have the latter guy, then you want to be very keen to observe how much effort and attention he is putting into your dates.

i.e.

  • Does he try to come up with fun ideas for places to take you?
  • Does he put real time into seeing you?
  • Does he want to introduce you to his friends and bring you places with him?
  • Is he affectionate in his words and actions when you’re intimate together?

Look at these behaviors, and listen to your gut, and you’ll have a sense of whether this guy is truly pursuing you or whether he just sees you as someone to date at his convenience. Give it a few weeks or a month of dating so you can see his behavior over a period of time, rather than judging him on a single week.

Tips For Having The Conversation – How To Define The Relationship

couple talking in bed

So, assuming you’ve read the above and you’re thinking to yourself, “Yep, this guy is definitely into me and seems to want more”, then now you need to be ready to have the conversation.

There are three steps to this:

Step 1 – Be clear, but don’t be intense 

You should be able to talk about this in a very comfortable and matter-of-fact way.

This takes confidence, but it’s crucial you enter with this attitude so that you can be honest and make it clear what you want.

So simply say to him, “I’ve been having a great time with you, and I just wanted to know if you see this as being exclusive? I’m not asking for a decision this second, but it would help to know what you’re looking for.”

This is a great low-pressure way to find out what he’s thinking in no uncertain terms, and gives you a chance to react accordingly based on his decision.

Step 2 – Let him speak his mind

Now, give him space to express whatever his thoughts are.

Listen carefully here. If he’s into you, he’ll talk about how he only wants to see you and doesn’t want you to see anyone else. It’s also a good sign if he says anything about wanting get closer to you, or if he expresses a desire to be in a relationship.

But if he says things like:

  • “I just want to enjoy myself right now.”
  • “I’m not looking for anything too serious.”
  • “We’re just having fun.”

These are all clear expressions that he’s not thinking about being in a relationship, and you should begin to make plans to cut things off (if you’re looking for something serious) before you get in any deeper.

Step 3 – Make him know you won’t wait for long

What if he says he would like to be exclusive eventually, but wants to wait for a while before deciding?

In this case you should be understanding, but make him know that you are someone who will move on eventually and won’t settle for being in relationship limbo.

For example, you might say, “That’s ok, but just so you know I don’t do the whole casual dating thing. So if you don’t want anything serious, I think we should leave things for now until you know for sure before we get in any deeper.”

In other words, be the one who lets it go.

When a man knows you are willing to let him go if he doesn’t make a decision, you will find out much faster what he really wants deep down.

Either he’ll let the relationship fizzle out (in which case, it’s a good thing you ended it now before you wasted a year of your life), or he’ll take a couple of days or a week to think it over and he’ll pursue you and tell you he wants to be exclusive.

Whatever happens though, know your value and don’t settle for less than your worth. If a guy isn’t willing as least consider exclusivity after a month or two of dating, it’s time to move on and find someone who will.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

2 Responses to How To Have ‘That’ Conversation

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  1. Th says:

    Great article with such clear structure on finding a partner. There is however something that I have been looking for an answer for long and couldn’t find it , would you kindly share your view in this matter –
    What is the best way to handle infatuation and does it ever have the potential of becoming fulfilling lasting love? It is almost always a sign of life changing growing time when it happens – wether being the infatuated or the one being on the pedestal. How long does it take to know that it is real love or infatuation? Is infatuation always short-lived?

  2. Selene says:

    Whoa! I needed this!
    Yes, he is so passionate, he is cute and treats me kind, more than the other boyfriends treated me…
    But I’m not feeling clear about what kind of relationship we have…
    I will practice and apply! ;)

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