How To Make Friends As An Adult

Today I want to get vulnerable and come out with something we don’t often talk about…

*It seems to many of us to be really hard to make new friends as an adult.*

(To check out my brother Steve’s latest article, click here.)

Building a network of close friends is a crucial component of getting the guy (as without one you’re not going to have reason to go out enough to meet the guy you want)…

And, it’s a great way to get practice for being more sociable.

Question Of The Day: What’s one fun thing you can organise in the next 30 days to invite people to? (a happy hour, a movie night… the possibilities are endless.)

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

49 Responses to How To Make Friends As An Adult

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  1. baya says:

    hi matthew, I think your videos are interesting, but it will be nice if you could add a French translation (i’m little bit weak in English). thank you. ps: i have used google translation for this post

  2. New Crew says:

    People who are struggling to make new friends as an adult- you should try New Crew. It’s an app being developed to help people make new friends as adults. You can sign up for the beta version at newcrew.co 

  3. yangease says:

    Let’s stop thinking about “how to get a guy” for a moment, just thinking of “how to get a friend,or any friend”, or “how to make myself a better / more popular/ more positive person”, in that sense, Matthew you really did a great job. Thank you.

  4. erika says:

    So happy that you posted this. Very thought-provoking. :P

  5. A.M. says:

    I really took to heart what you say here about inviting people to what you want instead of waiting or complaining about not being invited. Recently, I asked several friends out to happy hour. We all had a great time, and bar hopped afterwards. I was thinking, “I did this! I never instigate stuff like this, but everybody is here and having fun”. It was very validating to bring happiness to others. Incidentally, this video goes perfectly with your Ernesto Arguello interview. I like how he talks about going out, even if you’re alone, and talking to everyone/assuming most people will be friendly and talk to you. That’s really difficult for most people, and I can say that 90% of people, myself included, would dread going anywhere without a support system. But I’ve always admired the people who were un-selfconscious and open enough to do so. Working on it :)

    • A.M. says:

      p.s., just wanted to say your brother Stephen’s articles are amazing. Everything I’ve read so far, I’m like, “Oh my god! YES! Exactly”, lol. Very perceptive, invaluable advice.

  6. Christine says:

    I really needed this, thanks Matt!!! You always surprise me (in a good way) with your topics. It’s always right on track with what I need or want to know. I need this because over the past few years I’ve lost a few friends—close friends–and need to rebuild my core group. Again, thank you soo soo much!!

    Christine

  7. Kalee says:

    I love watching these videos, and especially this one. Now I know I am not alone on this topic.

    You and I talked about this a couple weeks ago when I met you at Ainsworth Park in NYC, but we can relate to each other since I moved from another state to New York a couple months ago.

    I absolutely adore you, and I always want to better myself, so I am glad I have you who will help me with that.

    The NYC event was sooo much fun! and I am hoping to come along on the retreat in October.

    Much Love,
    Kalee Renae

  8. Faizah says:

    Matt, I notice that often..when you talk about social-life, you give bars and clubs as examples, why? I think the worst places we can meet (serious) men are bars and clubs.

    • Jodi says:

      Hey Faizah

      I agree bars and clubs aren’t the most likely way to meet your husband but it can happen. One of my friends met hers at a lounge a few years ago. And I know someone else who met her now fiancee at a club we went to. Funny thing is both nights were my plan too. lol

      Bars and clubs are still a good way to meet both new girl friends and guy friends to go out with. I believe Matthew says somewhere it’s better to meet guys at an evening happy hour than a seedy club. And he also points out you might meet someone suitable for you through a guy you met at a bar/club

  9. DENISE says:

    Matt, your advice is very inspiring. I love your practical advice.

  10. Emily says:

    I was thinking about this problem for about a year. It is even worse than not having a botfriend.
    You are sto right we have to be proactive and not so peaky

  11. Yuki says:

    :)Hey Matthew, how are you? I’ve been having trouble making friends after being betrayed and ditched by all my old ones. I used to be really good at making friends and flirting with guys but after my best friends ganged up on me and left me out of the group (this happened two times @ two different schools) I’ve lost my social confidence and trust in people. To be honest I don’t enjoy talking to most people anymore because I’ve really lost faith in making (or finding) those TRUE friends. I’m in high school, this is my senior year & I dont want this to continue all the way to university as leftover baggage. Why can’t I make friends like I used to? Why can’t I talk to guys, have male friends and flirt with them like I used to? I’m still confident but not when it comes to social stuff and so people usually shun me for being “distant” “uncaring” or a “bitch”. I’m pretty popular at my school but because of that everyone just assumes I have friends and guys to talk to when in reality I only have my sisters. :'( When you talked about looking at your contact list and calling someone to go out I realized I have no one. I’ve even gotten the courage to try asking people who I thought were some new friends but I’ve been rejected multiple times. :( Help me PLEASE. I want this “unsociable” label off my back and this baggage out of my life – especially since university around the corner.

    • Paula says:

      I’m in my 30s and my ex friends ganged up on me so that level of childish never ends. learn from it and move on. go on meetup and maybe you can make new friends.

  12. Susanne says:

    ♥ Again I have to say: your topic & question is beautiful ♥

    If Yesterday was a day of ♥LOVE♥ for family & friends :)
    why not create a ♥Every♥moment♥heart♥hug♥day♥
    today :)
    & share moments of ♥LOVE♥ together again :)

    One more fun thing to organise in the next 30 days:

    ♥Every♥moment♥heart♥hug♥days♥ :)

    Today, tomorrow, every day :)
    A day, a few hours, a few minutes, a few seconds :)

    Oh what a beautiful world it would be if human beings could ♥hug each other with all their heart♥every moment♥ :)

    Hope everybody finds something wonderful again :)

    ♥ Happy Every♥moment♥heart♥hug day ♥ :)

    Susanne

  13. CelesteK says:

    What a great video! This is something that’s weighed on me a bit in the last few years. When you have a major change in circumstances and geography and you’ve previously been really insulated in the same social circle for years, it becomes painfully obvious that we have our guard up a lot more in adulthood than we did when we were kids. I’m still struggling with it (mostly because right now I’m living in a place I don’t feel comfortable hosting gatherings in) and feel like I’ve really isolated myself. I need to get back out there and reconnect with old friends as well as make new ones. Thanks for the reminder.
    And btw…you look amazing in red. You should wear it more often! :)

  14. Rachel says:

    I think i can speak for for most when I say that we want to Steven on video!! The man behind the curtain…

  15. Paula says:

    I run my own meetup group so I don’t have this problem. So join one or start your own

  16. Raquel says:

    Oh and yes Stephens post are pretty good I like to images your voice in the opening paragraph and then a different one for Stephens lol hope to see him in video soon too

  17. Raquel says:

    OMG Matthew I love this video post this is my first struggle as an adult and it’s a bit embarrassing to admit I know people don’t get me wrong but I don’t have somebody I can just call up and hang out with and the ones I use to don’t make an effort to communicate back it’s quite annoying Luckly my coworker and I have been connecting :-D and ugh the most annoying thing is when someone’s is all up for something but then doesn’t call/message back to meet up

    But sure enough I do try to set at least movie nights with people and outings with my coworkers now I just have to make an effort to meet new people while being out

    P.s. The get the guy techniques actually worky coworker mentioned above and I went out I stayed open smiling having a good time her as well and guys approached us left to right very nice
    Next time the handkerchief method

    Thanks Matt for every inspiring email

  18. Jill says:

    I’ve never really had a problem meeting new people and I think part of that is because I will talk to just about anyone.
    With that said I do have a question. I work with a girl who never stops talking and is loud. How would you suggest handling that when you all want to go out but don’t want to deal with a scene?

  19. Iza says:

    Hey, thanks for these useful tips Matthew! It’s so true what you say, especially your third point about finding your way of adding value :) I love to socialise but I’m a naturally very shy person so have found it increasingly hard to make friends as an adult. I don’t know what to say in social situations… :/ But I will try these out once I’m back in London :D

  20. Irene says:

    Hi Matt,

    I normally don’t have difficulties meeting new people but it somehow has become more difficult to keep up contact with them. I really have to work on that.

    It’s funny because I discussed this topic with my Mom (my buddy) the other day. I can’t say I have a best friend, male or female. I rather would say I have a hand full of friends who really mean a lot to me. I love them individually and love spending time with them. They are all over the place – different cities, countries.
    I don’t necessarily need to meet them every day or hang out with them every minute. I love the fact that we can connect within seconds when we meet or talk on the phone, skype, name it.

    So I need to make (more) time to create more of these wonderful memories. I don’t really have an excuse than time and that’s a shame. I need to change that, prioritise differently.

    So my plan in 30 days: A friend of mine will be heading home next month so I was thinking of organizing a Party or suchlike, haven’t thought that through yet :)

  21. A. Love says:

    “…that demeans women and makes them out to only talk about shoes…” MARRY ME MATTHEW HUSSEY~ I WILL BE YOUR LIFELONG FRIEND :D

    Ally Hussey really does have a nice ring to it, no? haha

  22. Amanda Yap says:

    Mathew, I honestly very much value your take on life. The way you think, your maturity, your ideas. The reason why I bought your book “Get the guy” in the first place was not because of improving my relationship with a guy. It was because I loved the way you look at life! And I truly hope that you would consider to write a book about life – happiness, confidence, finding your path in life, being passionate about something etc. I think it would be so valuable to all the young adults, even teenagers; to have guidance to prepare us for the future adult world. Thank you. :) Keep doing what you do. You’re an inspiration.

  23. Lynn says:

    I have made new friends as an adult, but usually through taking a dance class, something like that. Also, many of the friends I actually made that way have a military background, so they have a different attitude about friendship generally – it’s more instantaneous comradeship, and you’re a “buddy” for life basically. It’s nice, and rare among adults. It almost (only *almost*) makes me wish I’d joined the ROTC when I was in college. They have really tight friendships, and loads of them. Get over your fear of looking silly on a dance floor, and your fear of hanging out with people who collect guns for fun, and you’ll make a lot of great new friends, in my experience. If you don’t have a dance partner, sign up for bellydance classes (that’s what I did), or Contra dance lessons (a friend of mine did that, and one of her friends met her husband that way too…).

  24. Susanne says:

    Dear Matt :)

    I ♥ ——-> your video & your question :)
    This is one of your best videos & questions :)
    A wonderful THANK YOU to you :)

    If valentines day is a day of ♥LOVE♥ for boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives
    why not create a day of ♥LOVE♥ for everybody :)
    & share moments of ♥LOVE♥ together :)

    One fun thing to organise in the next 30 days: Family & friends hug days :)

    Share ♥LOVE♥ with family and friends:
    Today, tomorrow, every day :)
    A day, a few hours, a few seconds :)

    Oh what a beautiful world it would be: if everybody had a bit time to hug the people they LOVE :)

    Again I have to say: your topic & question is beautiful ♥
    Hope everybody finds something wonderful :)

    ♥ Happy hug day ♥ :)

    Susanne

  25. A. says:

    Hi Matthew!

    I like that you post your blog regularly every Sunday. What have I learned from Matthew recently? (Sorry, to go off road from your current vidoeo, but where else can I share things from the dating coach? :-)

    1. I have now seen you live twice! Which is always inspiring though I got more the first time than the second. I really am glad you are sharing more about your experience in L.A. for that year doing Ready For Love. There is something real about that experience that I felt from you live that’s hard to get through a video. I really appreciate you continuing to share about your own life and growth.

    2. I want to go to another live event! Been to the two ‘get the guy’ events and they are, good, but pretty similar. Not ready for the retreat yet. I am sorry to see that the Women’s Weekends aren’t scheduled yet for 2014. I worry about the fate of these Women’s Weekends, because they are a perfect middle ground for people can’t afford or aren’t ready yet for the retreat.

    3. Making friends isn’t so hard for me, just takes time. There’s no way around it, it takes time to really get to know someone. My only goal is to try to be more supple and flexible about it. Just because it took a long time to get to know someone and you like them, doesn’t mean they might be a lifelong friend. So you just have to keep meeting people regularly.

    4. You should take Jameson with you everywhere! Everyone needs a wingman!

    –A

  26. Virginia says:

    Very good video Matt!

    I wish I did all this since I was 16…I have always been very picky and I still am! However, I have realised during the past few years that if I seek people with the same values I have, I will end up being alone…Truth is everyone brings something different to the table as you said! We don’t have to become best friends with everyone…Due to my studies I have been teavelling in different countries and I struggle hanging out with any person just to avoid staying at home…Oh and dear Matt, believe me…it is hard to find people so positive and enthusiastic like you…Most people are friendly to me but don’t bother to make a new friend…I cannot pretend to be excited about everyone…I’d rather be alone than with the wrong people…Luck is a very important factor…sometimes you just don’t meet interesting people…

    Anyway, life goes on!

  27. Leecis says:

    This is exactly where I am. Matt, at the retreat you taught us about how when we grow, we may need to expand our friend circle. I recently became aware I need to do this. Thanks for the tips.

  28. Aggie Lau says:

    Hii Matt,

    Your video on making more friends are truly what I needed now..It is true that as a child it is easier to just go in and mingle and children are just magically wonderful in making new friends.

    When one’s move into adulthood, making new friend can be such a stressful thing as people cannot revealed their raw personalities or their true colours in the first meeting right…But I guess with your 4 tips, which I am going to test them all when I am out this weekend and everyday of my life….

    Thanks Matt for your tips..

  29. Bea says:

    Hey Matthew,
    I’ve had the same problem this summer, when I moved to Germany, with one extra problem added: I dont speak german!

    I completely agree with your 4 points, but I would also say that it’s important not to focus on just 1 group of people. Some people are welcomed in a group and they stop trying to meet new people.

    In my opinion, this is a mistake because you do not know them yet. Maybe in 2 months you find that these are not the people who you’d like to go with, or they feel that you don’t really fit and stop inviting you, or whatever other reason. And then, you are back on square 1.

    I have followed those 4 points you have mentioned in the video since the summer, without focusing in just one group. Also, I never said NO for no reason when I have been invited. If you can’t make it, the next time the offer comes from my side.

    The result: I have lots of people I can call to go out. BUT I would not call all these people “friends”. Good friends I have made 2 so far, but that is something that develops and takes time.

    Sorry for the long text! Xoxo

    Bea

  30. Ann says:

    Hi I think your message is really good but you’ve missed a really important part. We need to be good friends with ourselves first before someone will want to be a friend with us. Like yourself, try and be confident even if you don’t want to, connect with people even f you don’t want to go out. Be interested, be interesting, learn new things, smile and look at your posture. Haha

    I’ve learned this after losing my parents within 5 months and people not being a good friend to me. A friend can be anywhere and you can meet them when you don’t expect. A childhood friend has been a crap friend but when I cut down on focus to them I opened up to a new friend. I think I’m a better person now and open to new people.

    • Julia says:

      Ann, You make excellent points! Being aware of yourself and creating goodness for yourself is the place to start. You sound like a wise, strong person. I can’t imagine how hard it is to lose you parents so quickly. Sending hugs your way. Julia

  31. Val says:

    Great item and so true.

    One of the things I had hoped would come out of the GTG live London event was a network of like minded friends to move forward with. However, despite meeting some really nice people in the queue, we never got around to exchanging details and went separate ways in the rush for a seat , followed by a pretty full seminar.

    Is there any way that local link ups could be facilitated through the group?

    • Val says:

      PS

      Would love more of this general networking and self esteem based info

    • Julia says:

      Val, If you have a phone with apps, download the free app Bump. It is a quick way to exchange phone & email info in situations as you described. (Many of us downloaded it quickly and used it at the end of the MH Retreat :)

      • Val says:

        Thanks Julia, that sounds like a great idea.

        Will look into it for future.

      • Val says:

        Thwarted….

        “Back in September, we announced that the Bump team was joining Google to continue our work of helping people share and interact with one another using mobile devices.

        We are now deeply focused on our new projects within Google, and we’ve decided to discontinue Bump and Flock. On January 31, 2014, Bump and Flock will be removed from the App Store and Google Play. After this date, neither app will work, and all user data will be deleted.”

  32. Shirin says:

    Hey Matthew,
    I alredy do what you explanied I’m your Viedeo but so often there is this one person in a group who I don’t like Moste of time cause they are rude towards me or have views of Life I do not appreciate.
    So I just want them to not be with the group what should I do ?
    Cause when I invite my friends and this one person not I am the one that’s comes off as men.

    Xoxo

  33. Wave says:

    Hello Matthew,

    I both agree and disagree with you on this point. It isn’t hard to make friends if you *really* want to make new friends.

    My lil brother explained something that adults choose to live in isolation (for whatever reason.) However if one is smiling and talking words of (genuine!) kindness it goes a long way. I commented a woman with cherry earings that looked fabulous on her and we had 2 min fashion talk! Before the groceries were paid.

    My own tips would be:
    1) Smile :D 2) Shake your shoulders if you’re listening to any kind of party music! That way you will certainly get the attention of the people around you and you will have a twinkle in your eyes when you look up and it will be soo easy just saying “Hi” and continue grooving or applying your GTG advice ;D
    (I’ve tried and it works! Even kids starts jamming and laughing!)

    Answer to your Q: I’ll be organizing a “There-Is-A-New-Ice Cream-Place-Let’s-Go-There!-celebration” on Thursday with new found friend! :)

    Have a fun-tastic Sunday! :D
    Love,
    Wave

  34. gge says:

    I have been doing basically all his advices for 3 years and still I have every weekend at home. I always say yes to things with excitement, usually it is me who organize things for people to meet but no one has time, I do contribute as bringing energy to a group, maybe I am too picky. I just think that I appeared in cultures who are not so keen on getting new people in their circles. Let’s say Scandinavia, Baltics.
    Hei Mathhew have you ever made video on cultural differences or you think it is not a case to find friends and boyfriends?

  35. A.M. says:

    More than dating, this topic of making new friends is exactly what’s been on my mind lately. I’m trying to break out of my introvert shell, my fear of rejection, and expand my social circle. One of the problems I had with my ex was that he was so lazy and never wanted to leave the house and have a social life. Life was boring with him. So I thought, the next guy I date has to be the opposite. He’s got to be this social butterfly who includes me in an awesome social life. But instead, I kept meeting people like my ex and had to realize it’s because I don’t have enough to offer in my own life that would attract the extroverted, interesting guys I want to meet. It’s a tough process, because trying to put yourself out there with potential friends can be even scarier than dating. You’re potentially going to be rejected by an entire social circle, not just one person. Thanks for the video, the good advice, and acknowledging this dilemma for grown ups.

  36. Hidz says:

    You shaved?!!! Woww!!! Very fresh looking and handsome. Told you….you look great in red! Thank you for posting this video, it reminds me again of how important for all of us to be productive and fun. Not boring. YOLO!

  37. TC says:

    This message couldn’t have come at a more opportune time for me since I’m packed to move from Chicago, IL to Savannah, Georgia within the next week. I only know my best friend/roommate out there and I can’t just wait for her social network to find me worthy. I’m nervous as hell since this is the farthest I’ve been from home ever but this just gave me a bit more hope about the situation. Thanks!

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