Long-Distance Relationships – The BRUTAL Truth About How To Make Them Work

You start dating the perfect man in your city, only to find out he’s been offered a new job 1000 miles away…

Should you follow your heart and go for it, or should you listen to your head and call it quits? What’s the answer?

Here’s what you really need to know…


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73 Responses to Long-Distance Relationships – The BRUTAL Truth About How To Make Them Work

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  1. Sarah says:

    Hi Matthew! I have been a fan of yours for years and I always love your advice.
    I have a question about a subject that you haven’t touched on and I’m hoping you eventually will.
    My question is what do you do if you have met an incredible guy but he already has a girlfriend. Long story short there is this guy who is everything that I have ever wanted in a man but never thought I would ever find. I respect his relationship and I have tried meeting other guys and keeping my options open but I am comparing all of them to him. Everyone else seems dull compared to him. It’s a weird feeling that I have never felt towards anyone else. I know that he thinks I am very attractive, there is a lot of chemistry. We have a ton of things in common. I would never want to be the other woman because I am not that kind of person but I can’t shake this guy no matter how hard I’ve been trying. I am wondering though, is there a way that can make one be seen as someone that he could have a future with. Tricky subject but I am curious if you have any advice.

    Wishing you all the best! Your videos have helped me not just in my dating life but in my overall life as well.

  2. Doreen says:

    Ive been in a long distance relationship.. sadly to admit that I guess you’ve got it all right. Maybe both of us nit really committed to each other or love each other very much to want to be together very much. We only met like twice a year or so. Only communicate via text or sometimes call. Should i call it quits…. i guess im too afraid to admit that this wont work.

  3. Agge says:

    Bravo and thumb up for this video..It really related to my scenario now..Thank you for all those advise..

  4. Estelle says:

    Psst…it’s “cognitive dissonance” not “cognitive distonance.” ;)

  5. Mary says:

    This is all true, *but* I’m proof that it can work. I found myself in a long-distance relationship after I reconnected with someone I dated a decade earlier, and it’s actually worked out!

    That said, there were a few things that made it very clear from the beginning that he was taking the relationship seriously and that this wasn’t a normal long distance relationship:

    1. He made time to talk to me every day. He was a teacher and used to give make-up exams immediately after his last class. But because of our time zone differences, that sometimes meant that we couldn’t talk until it was really late for me. So, he carved out an hour between his last class and giving exams. Every. day. no. matter. what. He made me a priority and proved himself to be reliable over time. Knowing that, at minimum, I’d talk to him during that window made all the difference.

    2. We traded going back and forth and saw each other every 3 weeks. There was never a conversation about when we’d see each other next; we just knew it would be in 3 weeks. He moved one of his classes so that he’d have a long weekend ever three weeks, again making me a priority. From there, we traded off visiting each other and split the difference of the cost of a pair of tickets (e.g., if his ticket to see me was $200 and mine was $400, we’d each pay $300)

    3. After a few months, he started diligently looking for a job in my city. Once it was clear that we both wanted to pursue the relationship, he started looking for a job in my city and applied to jobs every day. I had just started a job I loved, and he had been in his for over 8 years and was ready for a change. Again, this showed his consistency and reliability. He didn’t apply to one or two jobs every month; he made it a priority every day. It still took about 9 months for him to find something, but I never lost faith because I knew he was working at it and never questioned his dedication or intentions.

    Those are the things he did to show me he was serious, and I also reciprocated in turn. I was actually the one who suggested that we split the cost of a pair of tickets because his were generally more expensive than mine; he resisted a little at first but eventually agreed once I explained how important it was to me that we have a relationship between equals. I also worked out a scenario with my employer so that I could work from home a few days when I visited him, which gave us extra time together.

    The point is that we *both* invested a lot in the relationship, and we both *showed* our commitment with actions rather than just talking about it.

    Now that we’re finally together, we couldn’t be happier. There were no surprises once we moved in together–he’s just as amazing and wonderful and reliable and consistent as I’ve always known him to be. We’re in love, are very grateful for each other, and plan to be married soon. :)

  6. A.M. Barrett says:

    Hi Matthew, this is a great talk. It’s surprising how easily you combine information from formal and informal sources. Your engaging delivery reminds me of my psychology teachers, and they would never forgive me if I didn’t post this message. This doesn’t affect the quality of the information you present, of course, but you may want to use the actual term: “cognitive dissonance.” Dissonance intends to refer to the same phenomenon as hearing an off-key singer with a chorus–one wants so much to help her to get into intonation line with the rest of the choir. As you point out, that dissonant thought “This person is just not available enough for me,” keeps getting pulled into line with “S/he’s so nice, etc.”

    Thanks for all you do–I’m sure these materials provide a unique, reassuring voice to women and are empowering.

  7. Claudia says:

    Matthew, i honestly love your videos so much….your advices are always on point! very true what you say, i’ve learned from experience that it is exactly like that, and also, what usually happens A LOT when meeting people online is that most of them are in it for the sexting part…to fool around….
    A lot of them are even married! LOL, because it’s so easy to do whatever you want online, not caring about anyone else but yourself…people often forget that on the other side of the screen there’s a real person with feelings…(obviously i’ve “encountered” many of this specimens LOL) but all of it taught me a lot about people :) haha, so i’ll take it as part of a learning experience ;b

    Thanks again for sharing your advice and opinions, it’s great to be able to hear other people’s points of view, it helps us open our eyes and our minds to any situation..

  8. Christine says:

    NOT the video I wanted to see, Matthew. :( It’s the first time one of your videos has left me disappointed in that way. BUT I understand your points. And I understand the risk I’m taking. I guess I don’t see it as a waste even if it doesn’t pan out the way we’re planning. Because I’m enjoying my life when we’re apart and we enjoy our time together. It has taught me a lot of good things about myself and has made me grow in ways I don’t know that I could have otherwise.
    I’m very clear that our relationship (regardless of its LDR status) is not a perfect one. But I think relationships come with challenges no matter where the other person lives.
    So, to answer your questions:
    1–Am I being lazy? I suppose there’s something to that, for both of us. However, we also are content with each other and therefore wouldn’t want to go out and meet someone new. At least for me, it’s not about being afraid to take the risk of trying to find someone else locally. I just don’t think ANY relationship would be free of issues of some sort. So why throw away this one simply because it has this particular challenge?
    2–Do I have a scarcity mindset? Absolutely not! I believe that there are tons of potential good matches for me in this world. I realize that this man is just one of many who I could be happy with. And I know I have great value and could attract other good men who would want me as their partner. I would say, however, that maybe my boyfriend has a bit of a scarcity mindset. That can sometimes feel concerning.
    3–Do we have a plan? Yes. We’ve been doing this for 3 years. Two-week visits every 2-4 months. And you’re going to think this is nuts, but we expect to be doing this for another 5-8 years. We do, however, intend to attempt longer visit over time—for instance, possibly trying to do a summer-long visit next year or the year after. The ultimate plan, which we discuss often, is for me to move to where he is. It’s beautiful there and I love going there. The climate and environment are amazing. But obviously, my commitment is to stay where my children and their father live. We share custody.
    A little background: I met him at the end of a 20+ year marriage. And I have 4 children, ages 11 to 20. I’m almost 49 and he’s 41. He has no kids and is okay with that. We both have good jobs, and mine allows for particular flexibility and remote working.
    Is it going to work in the long run? We hope so. We plan for that. We talk a lot about the reasons it will and the reasons it might not. We both know there are no guarantees.
    Thank you for the opportunity to think through some of these items a little more this morning. But I’m going to stick with what I’m doing. It’s working for me, and it’s working for him. And the sex is amazing when it’s able to happen. And there’s porn when it’s not able to happen. :)
    I still love you, Matthew! (Even though you didn’t use any of the SIX videos I sent in!) ;) And I’ll keep following your advice, when it applies, because I do value your opinions. I hope to meet you someday. Take care.
    (reposted because it was pending for so long)

  9. Florence says:

    This actually is so true. I am in one currently and the struggle is real. We chat every single day and face time too but sometimes i wish I had more of him because when we even have arguments as a couple its even more serious than when he is around me because there is always misinformation .

  10. Florence says:

    This actually is so true. I am in one currently and the struggle is real. We chat every single day and face time too but sometimes i wish I had more of him because when we even have arguments as a couple its even more serious than when h is around me because there is always misinformation .

  11. Sctt says:

    I believe it’s a waste of time.. once your not living toget her it won’t work…

  12. JJ says:

    This is so true. Also, know that either you or the other person may find reality too real and back off (or run away in fear) as soon as the move to be near each other happens. So, before you pick up and move, make sure you are making a move you would be content with even if the other person wasn’t there. Realize the mover is investing far more in the relationship than the person staying at home.

  13. Kristina says:

    I recently ended a relationship that was semi long distant as he lives an hour away. He tried to contact me a few times. I asked to move forward I needed some space. He reminded me of the plans we had to see the eclipse on the 21st. He asked if I still wanted to go. I don’t know what to do…to go as friends or not at all.

  14. Favour Nwakamma says:

    what an amazing video with lots of useful info thank u math.remain blessed

  15. Cola says:

    Where is Martin on this? :) we love Martin !

  16. Cola says:

    This video is great but it needs to be clearer this information is not solution but a starting point for thinking where you are in a long distance relationship.

    • Claudia says:

      Hi Cola :)
      I think the thing is that he cannot provide the answers to this problem, but just the tools for you (the person in this situation) to know what to do with it, meaning that every relationship is different and it could potentially work, but only if you are truly committed (and also the other person is), that is why he says we have to be true to ourselves and figure out if we are ready to make the sacrifice, to take that important step forward (which usually means one of you moving) and to really make this work.
      At least, that’s how i see it :) hehe

  17. Emmie says:

    Oh my God, I feel I want to cry …

    If I had seen this video before, of course, I would not have listen to it and I would have done the same thing because we really loved each other. But maybe, instead of spending 7 years trying to fix the impossible I would have accept the truth and saved 3-4 years.

    Thank you so much for putting words on what I discovered by experience.

    PS: I call the status “geographically single”

  18. SAM says:

    Dear Matthew, a great video! And yes very! It seems now more than ever due to the internet, small world, high demands in life, we are now in a very different dating/relationship world. I find myself adapting and learning every day. The hardest part, letting go of my ‘traditonal’ expectations of courtship whilst keeping my standards. Finding peace with accepting using technology as one the main ways to communicate to keep my relationships thriving, whether that be lovers, friends or family. I found that I managed a long distance relationship very well, needed a lot of trust and mainly patience, particularly with an 8hr time difference on top of mileage. Here’s the thing, now back to current local relationships, my patience which I learned and developed from my LDR, is now the crux of my issues. I’m finding men taking advantage of my patience! Arghh! So once again, taking some time to re-adjust and find a balance that works for me. So an interesting follow up video for you; the aftermath of having adapted to a LDR when back in local relationships! :)
    P.s. It’s about time we met Mr! Call me xx

  19. SAM says:

    Dear Matthew, a great video! And yes very, it seems now more than due to the internet, small world, high demands in life, we are now in a very different dating/relationship world. I find myself adapting and learning every day. The hardest part, letting go of my ‘traditonal’ expectations of courtship. Finding peace with accepting using technology as one the main ways to communicate to keep my relationships thriving, whether that be lovers, friends or family. I found that I managed a long distance relationship very well, needed a lot of trust and mainly patience, particularly with an 8hr time difference on top of mileage. Here’s the thing, now in current local relationships, my patience which I learned and developed from my LDR, is now the crux of my issues. I’m finding men taking advantage of my patience! Arghh! So once again, taking some time to re-adjust and find a balance that works for me. So an interesting follow up video for you, the aftermath of having adapted to a LDR when back into local relationships! :)
    P.s, It’s about time we met Mr! Call me xx

  20. elina says:

    “Do you like each other enough for one of you to move to actually be with the other person?”

    I am curious of public opinion on how long would be “appropriate” before moving in together starting from long distance relationship?

    • Zara says:

      So would I elina

    • Claudia says:

      Well, Elina, i think it all depends on each relationship….
      I have a friend that met a guy on a dating app about 3 months ago…she fell for him really hard and he did too…last month she moved to England to be with him….i just got word from her last week telling me she is getting married in a month…she is very happy, and i am too, for her :)

      But this is not the usual case scenario, i’m aware of that…so i would say that you should get to know him/her enough that you feel you are ready to take that big step and move (or viceversa)….trusting that the other person is committed and ready for that too.
      Communication is key i believe (i know, i know, it’s a long distance relationship…of course there’s a lot of communication, lol, but i am not talking about texting and talking, but to be communicating in a much deeper level) and start talking about life together, start planning it assuming it will happen…and i think is then when you’ll know if it’s going somewhere ir not.

      Obviously many things could go wrong and it could fail, but no one can be certain of the future, we can only make decisions that we think are the best for us with the information we have.

      that is my opinion :)

  21. Katie Lee-own says:

    Great video, thought provoking and I really liked that someone said it….. you have to have a plan for actually being prepared to move to be with the other one otherwise what’s the point in investing the time.
    Such an important point which brings you down to earth from the romantic notion being in a LDR.

  22. Jen says:

    For some who has chosen a career in the Defence force I am well aware of how hard long distance is and unfortunately recently became Single after finding out that my partner of six years did not want to move with me. Since then I haven’t been looking for a relationship but got into a conversation with a man online that I have known for years. We are caught up a couple of times but it is really hard as he works fly in fly out so he’s only home once every seven weeks. Would you have any suggestions on what to do in this situation and whether it is worth pursuing as we are hardly ever in the same state together.

  23. Jamie says:

    I will move to where ever Jonathan is….have mercy!

    Seriously this really hit home for me and was right on time. Dann you Matthew for making me be honest and assess the reality of my situation! But thanks. Sincerely.

  24. Julie MacKenzie says:

    Awesome video! Great info…

  25. Erika says:

    “He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it — namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain”
    The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.

    Just another literary resource ;)

  26. Kirsten says:

    I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. He moved for his job and the past 15 months have been long distance. Every single morning when he wakes up he texts me “Good morning beautiful I love you!”. I’ll reply back using the word handsome, and that starts our conversation in the mornings! Then we just text back and forth throughout the day everyday whenever we have a minute. We’ll send each other pictures that remind us of the other person, tell each other about our day, talk about the future… Emotionally it’s a very fulfilling relationship and it’s really helped to improve our communication. We do both get sad that we can’t hug/kiss, some days that’s easier to deal with than others. But that also just makes us appreciate the time we physically spend together even more. Basically, as long as you love them and find them attractive, you’ll always have that physical spark and it’s still going to be there whenever you have the opportunity to see them. What’s crucial though is keeping the lines of communication open and always letting them know that you love them, that you still find them attractive, and that they’re frequently on your mind. Trust is also huge, but that’s a given in an LDR. That’s what’s worked for us! He’s currently saving up for a ring and taking steps to move back very soon, so an end goal really does help. It keeps both people excited for the future and puts those moments of loneliness into perspective :)
    I will say though, if our relationship had started out long distance or if he had no intention of ever marrying me, there is no way it would have worked out!

  27. Pam says:

    I’ve never been in an LDR, but witnessed one up close and here’s what I learned… If there’s nothing there, the conversation fizzles out. If the conversation doesn’t fizzle out, you could possibly be building the best relationship you have ever been in because you’re building a foundation of friendship and trust. Just like any relationship, you’ll know if things aren’t right. You don’t need to be standing next to someone to know things are off.

  28. C says:

    7 years ago, I was in my first relationship,and it was a long distance relationship. We met when I was visiting family on school vacation, which live 6 hours away. It was like an instant connection. We would see each other every 3 months or so, whenever I could there, vise versa. For weeks, sometimes a month. Actually, we mett two years before that too, briefly. We were together for 2 years, parted for 6 months or so, and got back together for a few more months. I was 18, and I wasn’t really sure if I was ready for a move, it weighed heavily on my mind. After graduation, I went to where they lived, and it was my first time staying where they were. They had moved, but were closer by another hour. This reality, led to a breakdown I wasn’t ready for, things ended. I didn’t have a plan and it became very hard on the both of us. We remained in contact for a few years on and off. We have both dated other people since. Grown, matured, things are different and yet very much still the same. Feelings never left. We have been in consistent contact for the past 5 months, we both know if it’s going to work we need a plan, and are both trying to process everything currently. We are open, and honest with each other, and I think that’s really vital. It’s hard, and even 7 years later, there is still an incredible connection, there are still feelings that never left. Matt said it all in this video, it really all comes down to, Do you have a plan, what is that plan? Do you like each other enough, to be willing to move? Distance cannot last forever.

  29. Sue says:

    Wow what a great topic…hearing the comments from eomen about their thoughts was eye opening but and a big BUT at that…what i really heard was the tiredness in their voice/ that said it all… as hard as you try its an uphill climb that is inherently tougher and maybe not realistic to actually reach snd maintain closeness. Boooi! But thanks for the wake up call
    thanks Matt for yet again nailingthe topic

  30. A. says:

    I agree with what you say about LDRs but I disagree with one thing.

    Sex isn’t the only thing that separates a romantic relationship from a friendship. People have fallen in love, yes real love, with people they haven’t had sex with. The attraction has to be there, but it doesn’t have to be acted upon in all cases.

    I know it’s not a popular opinion, but I’m fine with being in the minority on this one.

    • Pam says:

      Couldn’t agree more!

    • Laure says:

      Not only can you fall in love and be in love with someone without sleeping with them, but you can fall in love without physical intimacy altogether. Love, itself, is a feeling that is entirely independent. The thing that separates a deep friendship from a romantic relationship is that feeling.

      Too often in our society we conflate love and sex. Physical intimacy is important, it can deepen your connection to the other person, and when you really care for that person it can be the most comforting, becautiful feeling just holding that person’s hand. But love can exist without that physicality altogether.

      If you’re a very physical person it can be a huge sacrifice (and, conceivably, too much for you to handle), but some people can survive in love with limited physical contact indefinitely. The amount of time two people can stay that way is an entirely personal number, dependent on what their own personal needs dictate.

  31. Jayjay says:

    So here’s my story…

    I used to have a long distance relationship. Everything was beautiful n fine until i found out he was still hanging out with his ex. And then his ex found out about me and she did something that made me broke up with him. I stopped communicating with him for a few months .

    Until one day he started to text me again n we became closer again. We literally communicate every single day. He told me i made him happy etc.

    But then, i found out from his ex facebook that he was actually back in a relationship again with his ex by the time he started to text me.

    Ao basically he’s like being with her doing activities there (they don’t live together though) and still being flirty n caring with me thru calls n texts. I still remember when we broke up he said he didn’t want to continue with me n that everything is totally over.

    I don’t understand. Why is he getting close with me again if the fact that he’s actually back to dating the person who made us broke up? If he needs someone to talk, he has her. And i can’t give him physical touch like her too since I’m far. Why is he like this? It kinda hurts me but it also brings questions to my head…

  32. asal says:

    great video mat:)

    thank you for sharing this
    this subject was new

    I have this relationship.and ofcourse physical touch is very very important for most of people

    he was into keeping his relationship with me but suddenly he said bye and didn’t explain any reason and never talked anymore

    this video made me think that maybe the separation was lack of physical touch:(

    some people leave their footprint forever.I think I have to live with another love with his thought.whenever I think about it,I feel sinful.I really loved him like my child.I can never forget him

    I WISH YOU(MATTHEW HUSSEY) PUT A VIDEO ABOUT “HOW TO REMOVE SOMEONE FROM OUR MEMORY FOREVER”
    I wish you make this video soon:)

    if so, thank you in advance

    I wish once you answer me mat or I become rich enough soon to travel and see and talk to you face to face:)

  33. Keli says:

    Great, Honest Video!!! I am currently talking to someone who I met online that I like very much. For now it is fun and we are planning to meet soon. I think every situation is different. Depending on the people involved and the details of each situation. Long Distance is definitely not easy. It can be very difficult. Sometimes when you are just dating it can be fun and a little Holiday every now and again can be fun and exciting. But don’t close yourself off from other experiences and be exclusive if you have not defined the relationship and do have some kind of plan/commitment in place. I definitely agree with that. You can waist a lot of time and get very hurt. I think the advice of not focusing everything on just one man you like when you are dating is very important. (As I have heard Matthew say this many times before) Be open to new people and experiences whether you met someone online or in real life. And always be honest with yourself! Love your videos and advice Matthew!!

  34. Jenny says:

    A woman on the video mentioned sending nudes…Be careful with nudes and videos. If you have never been there, check out the website http://www.4chan.org and go to the “Sexy, Beautiful Women” or “Random” tabs. It turns my stomach how the digital age has turned sexual openness, playfulness, and vulnerability into a horrible monster. You may think he would never do that to you but that site will show you that he just might.

  35. K says:

    I just ended a long distance relationship but it wasn’t really my choice. I had been with this guy for over a year we lived together for about two months before I got a job across the country. I made a point to come home every two months to be with him but I recently found out that shortly after I got to my destination on the East Coast of America he met someone else and he didn’t bother telling me. So he had been living in my house on the West Coast and invited her to come live there with him. I didn’t have any idea until about March when I noticed some things in my house that shouldn’t have been there and I thought he might have a woman living there. But he swore up-and-down that I was the only woman. Then in May when he was acting kind of weird I grabbed his phone when he fell asleep and found some text messages to a phone number that wasn’t mine and there were a lot. One of them even said “how you doing babe?” When I found this one I was livid. I started packing and I was going to leave but he woke up and said that it was sent in error to the wrong person he meant to send it to me. And he asked me “haven’t you ever sent a text message to the wrong person?” And of course he knows that I have so it was a believable excuse. But I called the phone number and a girl answered and I asked who this was and she asked who this was and I said this is his girlfriend who the hell is this and she said something and I just called her a whore Then in June on a whim I just called his phone and the same girl answered it. I found out that he had two phones and he had given the wrong one to her so she was answering his phone and also had his email. That’s when everything came out. He had been cheating on me almost immediately after I had moved. So last week I went home to get all my things out of his storage unit, put them in my folks home and ended that relationship. I thought I knew him, I trusted him but he was not faithful. I was and I lived for our daily calls and texts but when they started falling off I knew something was wrong. Now he says he loves us both. LOL well not good enough for me. I refuse to share my man with another woman especially one who sleeps around with other men. Gross. Who does that? I would not recommend a long distance relationship to anyone. Oh and on a footnote the job ended and I’m probably going to move back home soon.

  36. Angela says:

    I moved to be with the guy because it was a 12 hr drive one way just to visit & sometimes it was just for a few hours then the drive back. Since the move there have been times it’s felt worthwhile & others I don’t know. Even though he’s very loving I’m not sure he would have made the same effort.

  37. Dinah says:

    I meet this man on a dating site . He said he was a contractor on business in another country for 3 months . He lived in same state as I do . I did believe in long distance relationships in beginning . Wrote for 4 months we actually were falling in love with each other . Sent expensive gifts to me . Wrote emails , talked on phone , texts . Then the day coming back to my state stopped calling no reason why . Wrote back and called no response back . Never writing to anyone long distance again . Very hurt and confused

  38. Guest 01 says:

    I wish I saw this post sooner!! makes so much sense… few people can put it so articulately!

  39. Nel says:

    I’m currently in a long distance relationship and it’s a relief to hear about your thoughts on this matter. Most people I know thinks that most LDR doesn’t really work however when it does work, it’ll be worth it. Obviously, I love the guy otherwise I wouldn’t get myself into this whole thing. I turned him down several years before (eventhough I have feelings for him as well) when he told me of his plan of moving permanently to another country. We tried to stay friends after that but sure enough, our conversations became awkward until we no longer reach out to one another thinking “it may not work, anyway”. For about four years, we focused on our own careers and became a little more of who we wanted to be. Then, all of a sudden, our paths crossed again. I admit, all the “what if”s in my head stirred up my heart which lead me to decide to give our love a second chance despite knowing that his plans of migrating is still intact. I didn’t regret that. I love him even more when I allowed myself to experience what it is to be loved by him and to love him without fear. He kept reassuring me that the only reason he’s going away is because he wanted to secure our future together somewhere better than here and I wanted to believe that we can make it work. And I think I love him enough to move with him in the future. But I’ve never been in a LDR before and it has been driving me crazy for the last 4 months. I’m not sure how long I could endure it or if we’re doing it right. Aside from distance, there’s also the challenge of a 14-hour difference in time. Most of the time, I just feel so lonely whenever I realize how far away he is from me and how far away we are from being together. I don’t want to feel I’m wasting time in loving my man and i certainly don’t want to lose something that could mean everything by giving up now. I just wish, it wasn’t that hard.

  40. Mila says:

    I met my husband in my city when he came here on holidays (he now lives in another country, but was born here). We walked around for three days and then he flew back to his country, but came back in a week just to meet me again. We started to plan our future together just about 10 days after we’ve met. It was extremely hard to be physically away and it still is. We’ve been dating for half year (meeting once per month approximately for a week) when he proposed. Now we are married and I am going to move to him in a month. I can’t imagine anyone more perfect for me, he is everything I have ever dreamt of! Long distance relationship does work when you meet YOUR person.

  41. Anya says:

    You are so right! I had a long distance relationship for almost one year. I was in à happiness bubble each time we’ve seen eachother. That was once at two months. But then, i felt lonely and used to cry a lot. It was like we were together, talking almost constantly but at the same time having separate lives. I couldn’t stand it anymore. So I moved with him. I Left everything behind, my family, my friends, my good job, my house, everything. I didn’t think much about it. I just felt it was the right thing. I felt that I knew him and that we have a future together. I was a bit wrong about the first part, though. Things were not that pink as i thought . All the little things that i’ve noticed about him that were let’s say a bit strange proved to be the problems. Redflags were there all the time but i didn’t know how to recongnise them. So, open your eyes girls, listen to your instincts, if you have a feeling that something is not right it would definitely prove it wasn’t!! In my case, i was lucky. He loved me so much and also he was committed to making it work that he almost changed his entire life style since we’ve moved together. He gave up his bad habits. It was hard work for me but i believed in him. I felt he wanted to be different and he needed me to help him overcome his problems. Apart of that, he is great and we are happy together, i don’t regret making the move nor the great effort. He is what i need. We are getting married at the end of the year, just when we’ll be celebrating one year of living together:))

  42. Vivi says:

    People get involved long distance because it’s safe. What I have learned is those kind of people don’t want to be together in real life people are too scared. Try suggesting it sometime see how they react they make excuses not to see you in person. That’s why they kling to the long distance.

    • Vivi says:

      I been engaged twice in real life never married both started off online. First one I was with for a year he was from England. Second we were together for 2 and a half years. Not including time spent online.

  43. Susan says:

    Thank you Matthew. Finally, someone is honest about long distance relationships! Everyday I reply to men that “I don’t like long distance relationships”. I have to see the man I’m interested in often. To see him interact with me and in different environments and situations to know we connect and communicate well. I’m a touchy feely type of person. I can’t have that type of relationship in messages and sometimes by voice, it’s so lacking in everything I want and need. I’m in my 50’s and don’t want to waste any time on a big “maybe”.

  44. Natalia says:

    <3 so true! I was in a long-distance relationship and yes is all about having a plan… now here we are married and with a baby. I moved to stay with him until we move back home when everything is ready to. Is hard but if there is real love is so worth it!

  45. C says:

    You know, this is exactly my situation right now, I’ve met (and like) this man for 5 years or more, but we only started to really talk on the last year. And is so upsetting that you make the effort to travel, to get the money and the time, but when you get there you can’t meet. Or when he just starts ghosting. And something you really care about starts vanishing because it didn’t reached the intimacy and the importance enough to get REAL. So I’m stuck since is too hard to forget something that didn’t actually happen.
    But thanks for the video!!
    Love :)

  46. Christine says:

    NOT the video I wanted to see this morning, Matthew. ☹️ It’s the first time one of your videos has left me disappointed in that way. BUT I understand your points. And I understand the risk I’m taking. I guess I don’t see it as a waste even if it doesn’t pan out the way we’re planning. Because I’m enjoying my life when we’re apart and we enjoy our time together. It has taught me a lot of good things about myself and has made me grow in ways I don’t know that I could have otherwise.

    I’m very clear that our relationship (regardless of its LDR status) is not a perfect one. But I think relationships come with challenges no matter where the other person lives.

    So, to answer your questions:

    1–Am I being lazy? I suppose there’s something to that, for both of us. However, we also are content with each other and therefore wouldn’t want to go out and meet someone new. At least for me, it’s not about being afraid to take the risk of trying to find someone else locally. I just don’t think ANY relationship would be free of issues of some sort. So why throw away this one simply because it has this particular challenge?

    2–Do I have a scarcity mindset? Absolutely not! I believe that there are tons of potential good matches for me in this world. I realize that this man is just one of many who I could be happy with. And I know I have great value and could attract other good men who would want me as their partner. I would say, however, that maybe my boyfriend has a bit of a scarcity mindset. That can sometimes feel concerning.

    3–Do we have a plan? Yes. We’ve been doing this for 3 years. Two-week visits every 2-4 months. And you’re going to think this is nuts, but we expect to be doing this for another 5-8 years. We do, however, intend to attempt longer visit over time—for instance, possibly trying to do a summer-long visit next year or the year after. The ultimate plan, which we discuss often, is for me to move to where he is. It’s beautiful there and I love going there. The climate and environment are amazing. But obviously, my commitment is to stay where my children and their father live. We share custody.

    A little background: I met him at the end of a 20+ year marriage. And I have 4 children, ages 11 to 20. I’m almost 49 and he’s 41. He has no kids and is okay with that. We both have good jobs, and mine allows for particular flexibility and remote working.

    Is it going to work in the long run? We hope so. We plan for that. We talk a lot about the reasons it will and the reasons it might not. We both know there are no guarantees.

    Thank you for the opportunity to think through some of these items a little more this morning. But I’m going to stick with what I’m doing. It’s working for me, and it’s working for him. And the sex is amazing when it’s able to happen. And there’s porn when it’s not able to happen. :)

    I still love you, Matthew! (Even though you didn’t use any of the SIX videos I sent in!) ;) And I’ll keep following your advice, when it applies, because I do value your opinions. I hope to meet you someday. Take care.

  47. Faizah says:

    I am currently in a long distance relationship, we’ve known each other for four months and we have a plan to meet in person soon. I must say that this type of relationship is NEVER fulfilling no matter how close (emotionally) you think you are with the person. For me, I admire him and we have a lot in common, but the fact that I can’t be with him physically drives me crazy, sometimes brings me to tears. I think a long distance relationship that is planned to be more than a year is a mistake, there should be a solid clear plan to turn it into a REAL relationship. Otherwise, you are better off.

    • De Elle says:

      Faizah,
      I agree with you about the distance and lack of physical connection brings me to tears quite often as well. The relationship seems to be growing and I and possibly deluding myself by saying that this time apart allows us to get our “house in order”. However, I’m three years into this long-distance relationship and it has caused a lot more heartache than I thought I would ever put up with after my divorce.
      Matthew has a point that I recognize when he speaks of the scarcity mindset.
      I welcome anyone is advice about this. Thank you to everyone who is part of this community.

    • asal says:

      :(((
      faizah, I am in long distance relationship.I don’t believe when you said never fulfilling.
      my love was keeping our relationship and suddenly he didn’t talk to me anymore and said bye without any reason:(

      I believe that long distance relationship is not fulfilling(ofcourse)
      but I wanna tell you that I loved him enough to wait to be with him for years.if it’s long distance and 2sided,it’s fulfilling
      mine was 1sided I guess

      I have seen 2sided long distance faizah.it works.but first it MUST BE 2SIDED

  48. Malisa Griffith says:

    I met s us marine online was based in Poland and of a week ago he’d been in Africa on an assignment and says he want to spend his 3 month vacation with me then he’s gone again for how long again Lord only knows I’m malisa from Trinidad

  49. Martina says:

    I did serious long distance relationship. It was my first real love and the feelings were so strong it´s hard to even decribe.. 4 years in distance (I was studyig university and he had sick parent to take care of at his home..seeing each other every cca 3 months and spending my school holidays together in his country) and almost 1 year living together (I moved to him). Then breakup.
    This was f*cking hard!! But I loved him. But our communication on distance didn´t work so well because he was not so communicative – so it was even harder for me.
    All what Matt says in video is true – specially about not dealing with negative qualities of the other so often. After some time you will notice these qualities, but you are more easy to forget and forgive them, because you “miss them so much” and you are not dealing with that on daily basis. Like this it can very easily happen that you spend YEARS in relationship, which would otherwise finish much sooner (if you finally realize you are not compatible so much as you believed blindly). Then when it´s all over, you realize HOW MUCH TIME YOU LOST and you will never get it back!
    I still believe in happyendings, but my advice would be: WATCH VERY CAREFULLY FOR RED FLAGS, FOR NEGATIVE QUALITIES OF THE OTHER,FOR SOLVING IT EFFECTIVELY AND HAVING SERIOUS PROGRESS (no relationship is perfect, but are you dealing with things really??) — and BE VERY VERY SERIOUS about the red flags, don´t forget them…because they will eventually hunt you and get you when you start to live together and then you realize how much time you have lost, forever…

  50. Alicia says:

    I have to say that it was very good advice. I just met someone who lives 4 hours away. I don’t plan on relocating back to where he lives. That in itself may be a deal breaker. So, thanks for sharing this truth to me. I have some thinking to do.

  51. Steffi says:

    I never had a long distance relationship, but my dear brother has one for the last 4 years now. And when I think of what I want in a relationship, I always end up thinking “I want to have what they are having”. They admire each other, they respect, love, adore each other. They plan to move, but not right now, because they are settled in their careers . These two are the sweetest couple, I never see my hard, martial arts, soldier brother as cute and sweet as he is around this pretty and warm woman.
    So: long distance is not necessarily a torture. When u love somebody deeply and without any doubt, when there is just trust between you, it’s fine.

  52. Shiv says:

    I’ve been in a LDR for over two years, and think my bf really really loves me, but the practicality of it seems troublesome to me now. I loved this video when you mention that do we actually have a plan in place to move to somewhere where your lover is, because quite frankly, we’ve had these conversations and he says he’ll move for me, but I don’t see him implementing that plan. And ok, I’m more of an emotional connect than “I need you to cuddle with me all the time”, but after a point it does get to point where you reconsider/ re-evaluate since you that you haven’t seen them in over a year, and the video calls have become infrequent, and it doesn’t look like the gap is going to close anytime soon. We still are very much in love, but I do realize the tendency to idealize someone not in physical proximity, and that’s really starting to make me feel, do I even know this person? And how long can I keep going like this…. it’s amazing to feel so loved, but at the same time, you realize you’re being loved from far far away, so does that really count (because maybe you would have killed each other in reality if you were close). Long distance really does suck!

  53. Celina says:

    Loved the readers/viewers thoughts in this vid Matt!
    So what if you are in a relationship and the person accepts a job across the planet for work…how can you make your long distance relationship work in the meanwhile? What are the steps to keep it hot (so to speak) and the desire high?

    • Sarah says:

      Yes, what if you are already in a relationship this isn’t long distance. You’re relationship then becomes long distance, say for school or work. You both plan to make this long distance a short term obstacle. If you’ve already spent enough time together in person to know that having a future together isn’t an issue, is a long distance relationship of a couple years unrealistic? Matthew, what are your thoughts on how to make those times apart manageable?

    • asal says:

      I really like to know too

      but matt knows and never tell us this easily:);)

  54. E says:

    Matt, my brother (who is Irish & has lived in Ireland all his life) got married this year, to an English girl that he first met several years ago.

    They kept up the long distance relationship for several years. She was always living & working in the UK, & he was always living & working in Ireland, right up until they got married.

    She told me that she told my brother, early on in the relationship, that she would be willing to move to Ireland so they could be together.

    They went on a foreign holidays together while they were going out, but the first time they ever lived together was when they got married.

    So long distance relationships can work if one is willing to move. Obviously my brother never met anyone he loved more than her, in Ireland, so they were both committed to the relationship.

    Great video by the way Matt!

    • Celina says:

      This gives me a bit of hope! Intimacy is so important to me tho ahha

      • E says:

        Celina, thanks for your reply.

        Yes my brother has a good job so he could afford to fly over to the UK to see her & she flew over here to Ireland to see him. They took turns & were flying over to see each other about once a month. They also went on a few foreign holidays together.

        Also when they first met they were both in their early 20’s. When it was getting close to the wedding they were flying to see each other every 2 weeks :)

    • asal says:

      they both loved each other.

      you said:”So long distance relationships can work if one is willing to move”

      again I wanna remind you they “BOTH” loved each other and in 2sided love

      I had this long distance relationship but he left me.you made me happy when I saw again 2sided love exist

      lucky your brother

      I unfairly saw the end of my relationship without any clear reason.and I am sure that I loved him 100times more than any love stories in the world

    • E says:

      UPDATE TO MY ORIGINAL COMMENT…

      I wanted to update my original comment (because I know that women reading this need accurate information), so I have come back to my comment to post accuarate information.

      So, I spoke to my brother’s new wife, VERY recently & asked her about their long distance relationship.

      She said that in the first 5 years of their relationship they were only seeing each other every 2-3 months. After that they were seeing each other a little more often. Finally, coming up to the wedding they only could manage to see each other every 3 weeks (because they both had family & work commitments in their own lives).

      She said she wouldn’t do it again as it was very hard, but she did it for my brother.

      Now they are happily married & living in Ireland & looking to buy a house!

  55. Sheila Middleton says:

    So the fairy tale. You reconnect with your high school love. He promises you the world. He never forgot you – you have always been the one. Wraps you in words and promises. You take the leap and leave your world (its totally love).

    You move 4k km across the country – he even picks you up and carries you over the threshold. Then reality. You are WYSIWYG. He insists on buying a ring and a quick marriage – you ask to slow it down. After all your 60 and left a dead but not abusive relationship.

    Reality /Truth:
    He says he never fights – refuses to fight / He only values his needs and wants. He is indifferent to your request for compromise or discussion.

    He has all his friends and life /You are totally without support.

    He refuses to communicate /important decisions are thrust upon you (often contrary to promises made)

    He refuses any financial commit in the beginning /Later demands that you contribute to financial items that you had no input or commitment. (This is classic modus operandi for online dating scammers).

    Something is wrong but you don’t know what happened /A decision has been made and there is no acknowledgement of what is happening but your feet have just been kicked out from under you.

    Congratulations – you are in a Passive Agressive Covert relationship. You have been artfully manipulated away from safety and support.

    Long distance relationships – like summer flings, rarely work. We want the fairy tale but life is not like that. They only worked because of the distance involved. The signs were always there – distance made them easy to push aside. We want to believe.

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