What Our Parents Forgot To Tell Us About Falling In Love

*WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE AND MAN TIED UP!*

Watch this video first, the whole way through, then check out my article below for why I think hidden within it is one of the most important lessons we can learn for our love lives.

I can’t remember a single relationship I’ve ever had which didn’t hurt at some point. The hurt that comes from an argument where things are said that are hard to take back. The hurt that comes from feeling jealous, feeling like I somehow wasn’t enough. The hurt that comes from missing someone when they go away, even for a day or two. The hurt that comes from worrying you might lose someone.

Even in the best relationships I’ve had there has been some element of pain, for a negative reason or a positive one. It didn’t matter. There was still pain. I’m guessing that you’re experiences of relationships have been the same. Because the fact is, relationships can create pain. In fact, they have the ability to create pain more than any other area.

So why on earth do we put ourselves through it? Are we just masochists who enjoy putting ourselves up for this time and time again? Or is there something more to it?

I have been meaning to put this video up for a long time. It’s from the film 44 inch chest. Not a very pretty film – although my East-End London roots always seem to give me a peculiar affinity with films that contain a bunch of East-End accents, no matter how violent they may be – but this particular scene caught my eye.

The context is that Ray Winstone’s character has kidnapped the man his wife was having an affair with. Now not all of us would go to the extent of kidnapping the person who had an affair with our partner, but we’d perhaps be lying if we said we wouldn’t want to! So in his emotional state he goes into a passionate monologue about the nature of marriage and relationships. Despite the violent context in which it is placed, and the coarse language with which it is peppered, I found it deeply touching.

Why?

Because it gives an accurate depiction of what even beautiful relationships sound like at the grittiest level.

The little things done for each other that often go unappreciated. The little smile that is appreciated more than anything else in the whole world. The moments where we go out of our way just to make the other person happy, where their approval is the only thing we could want for. The paradoxical situation of love being both ‘lovely’ and ‘murder’ at the same time.

No matter what we believe, relationships can be hard graft. That’s not to say they’re not effortless at times, but hard work goes into making a relationship stronger, just like it does in any other area of our life. This speech cuts through the fairytale that so many people are expecting when they get into a relationship. A fairytale that leads so many people to much pain with dashed expectations when their new reality doesn’t match the blueprint of how they thought it would be.

I truly believe that a huge number of relationships fail because of: 

  1. The expectation that it’s somehow ‘supposed’ to be easy
  2. The unwillingness to put in the hard graft when met with the reality of the situation.

Funnily enough, despite all this hard work and ‘murder’ I would consider myself a true romantic. Not a romantic in the sense of everything being beautiful and effortless and ‘floaty’ the whole time…

But consider this – in order to do all of this we have to decide that there’s someone out there we deem to be worthy enough to put in all of that effort for. Someone who is worth the pain and hard moments. Choosing our partner is a big decision. We often rationalise that it is a big decision by talking about how much time we are going to be with that person. But the more I think about it the more I believe the part of that decision that really carries the most weight is the choosing of the person we are going to put in all of this hard work for. The person we are going to go on this journey with; whom we are going to endure this pain for.

Forget the flowers and the romantic crap. We are starting a journey with someone in our lives. Someone who has the power to hurt us or make us happy on a level that perhaps no one else can. And yet knowing that this person could have such a profound impact on our feelings for better or worse, we still willingly give them that power. We put our heart in their hands with the belief that on some level they deserve it, and that it’s going to work.

What could be more romantic than that?

Matthew x

P.S. I had an idea for this week – leave a comment below about what love means to you…

Let’s get some ideas flowing in this amazing little community we have!

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

119 Responses to What Our Parents Forgot To Tell Us About Falling In Love

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  1. Jade fortuna says:

    Well my man is 40 yrs old n I’m 37 n he’s been cheating on me with a man we stay with n he cheated on me with a woman at the gathering of jugglos so he has a porn video so he tells me it’s not true he’s not cheating so I let it go n n he’s really crazy okay n he gets mad over stupid crap n sometimes I don’t make him mad someone else will but he says to me he need space he never has time to his self he’s always with me 24/7 so I tell him I can move out u was the one that ask me to move in with u n we been together for like two yrs now so he asked me to marry him we propose to me at the gathering of jugglos icp concerts were he cheated n he still lies n says it’s not him but I asked him to make love to me n he keeps saying he’s not in the mood or he’s old but we only have sex once a day sometimes two when ever he’s in the mood n yes I’m a kinky woman okay I buy some nice very sexy kinky toys n sexys night’s okay I even bought his favorite the wonder woman outfit okay so I roleplay with him n he does drugs I don’t do drugs he smokes weed everyday n when he don’t have his weed all hell breaks loss man he gets mad starts throwing stuff around but I told him I’m trying very hard here n he don’t work he tells me he don’t need to work he can use no arm vet man we stay with money so I told him look I love u but we need r own house n own car n Everytime I get a job n he tell me the pay check is for his weed n his lover no arms man liquor money so I stopped working bcaz I work hard to make better for us but he not ready

  2. Anke says:

    Exactly what you said, putting your heart in someone else’s hands, believing in them because you know they are the right one for you, even through hardships. Wanting to make them laugh and smile, wanting to spend your life with them because they just feel so right and perfect – no matter what!

  3. Nancy says:

    Love is someone who won’t give up on you and will not stop fighting for you no matter how much or how hard you push them away because of fears or insecurities you have.

  4. Reba says:

    Everything I read here is beautifully true. I’ve had the honor and privelage to watch my own parents’ true love story unfold now for 50 years. It’s been incredibly hard work. But what they say is that they have gotten the chance to fall in love with one another again & again throughout their lives together. They have reinvented their relationship more than once & after 30 years had new wedding rings made & wrote new vows, recreating their commitment to one another based upon who they had grown to become. They have given me(and all they touch,) the incredible gift of seeing love in action. Their love has formed an incredible foundation for our family, and the life they have built together shows the fruits of their dedication to fulfilling their commitments to love through the ups and downs of life. They are not resigned. They are alive, healthy, joyful people & they give me faith that I too can find this kind of love & give everything I have to learning how to fully and truly love the man I give my heart and my life to. True enough- real relationship can be painful. But the reward of working through those painful places is finding love with one another once again. It takes courage, but from where I sit observing my parents, the reward is truly worth the hard work!!

  5. JANA says:

    What is written above is beautiful writing, poetics and it is heartfelt. Yes, love has to be created day by day as everything in this universe it stops to exist without that.
    I trust true relationship is based on affinity (affection), common reality, good communication, admiration and HONESTY. (not mention here, but important one lack of it, gives the pain).
    Falling in love is not love, it is just chemistry, important one to start and share it. But what if we meet somebodys chemistry when our love gets older? There is plenty of people to have chemistry with… Control and self discipline and responsibility for our decision is the answer. We can always meet somebody who seems to us new and more younger, beautiful, inteligent and funny. New will fade. Well, the right of choice is above responsibility.
    But if you made choice by decision, and after you have change, change, change, you never really Have.
    What is life partner more than a helper for life plus sex, rearing childern? Admiration. Yes, you can forget the flowers and the romantic crap but it is the decorations and ornaments in the game. It is showing interest and gives attention. Love – you can see it as exchange of admiration and sympathy. You have to create magic. The more seriously take the game the less chance to win. If only duties left? oh no..
    For this reason people like to mate with others who has fun with, they instinctively know that. They know sane and healthy people smile.
    In any game is the risk of injury and suffer,loss, in any area of life. Always are there some barriers to overcome and some rules and freedom.
    Mr. Hussey you are a exquisit guy and wise one and you are loved by many because you have affinity, you can speak the way real to others and you have great communication and honesty as well. You give exchange in abundance, more than is expected and you deliver what is needed and wanted – you help women to be godess not doormates, to have self respect, to grow up ..it is why you are succesful gentle-man, Sir. Admiration. Maybe – love is the biggest secret of universe.:)

  6. Emily says:

    I agree with everything you say in this post and yet it’s a tricky area. I was with a guy on and off for several years, in a relationship which, if someone hears about it, will elicit the reaction that I was crazy to put up with it for so long. Or crazy to get into it in the first place. There were some challenges from the beginning, regarding his ex and the child they hadn’t really worked out custody of yet (long story). There were signs all over the place that this was a bad idea, but I always thought, this is something I can work with; no one’s perfect, relationships take work, I can compromise and be flexible, etc. Things were rocky, but I figured I liked him enough to stick around and do the hard work needed to see us through to when things weren’t so rocky. But they were never going to get there. Partly cause I was the only one doing the work–though I only figured this out later; for a long time, I thought that I was just being supportive while he was going through a tough time, but what I was effectively doing was bending over backwards to allow him to treat me however he wanted (which is essentially what he was doing to his ex, come to think of it) with very little negative consequence for him.

    It was hard work, and it was mostly thankless, and it was ultimately futile, and at the end of it I felt pretty stupid. I’ve gotten past that, and I’m not sorry about anything, but I hope I never fall into the trap again of thinking I’m doing the hard work of a relationship when what I’m really doing is enabling someone to treat me badly and spinning my wheels in a muddy rut.

    There’s hard work and then there’s beating your head against a brick wall. May we all be granted the wisdom to know the difference.

    • Christina says:

      Emily,
      Pieces of this resonate so strongly for me! He stopped contributing even his paltry portion of the relationship-work, so I worked all the harder. (“For the children,” you know. His. Children…) Thank you for this validation.
      “…what I’m really doing is enabling someone to treat me badly…”
      Truth.
      And “…bending over backwards to allow him to treat me however he wanted…with very little negative consequence to him.” Ouch! Love it, marvelous :)
      We broke up almost 3 years ago. I catch a ream of excuses rolling around in my head these days, I reach into my Fussy Hussey treasure trove.
      I am grateful…because of him, I set forth on a quest, to learn how I want to be loved. So I can then clearly communicate it, for with that knowledge comes also the requisite confidence to convey my truth & support my boundaries.
      Bonne chance, ma belle!

  7. Maria says:

    I loved this video…so much tenderness shines through the grit!
    It is actually quite sad how our expectations of love and romance have become tainted by fairy tale, “hearts and flowers”, pseudo-romantic crap, while this, in it’s rawness, cuts through to the essence.

    If I were to try and summarise love I’d say (top of mind) respect, trust, acceptance, admiration…love should bring out the best in us.

    p.s. one minor objection to the title of this post…”falling in love” is the easy part

  8. Zainab says:

    love is that feeling you get when someone special smiles at you and you smile back so hard that your face starts to hurt, but you just cant stop smiling and if someone asked you why you wouldn’t be able to find the words to describe it because its something you feel on such a base level that your rational mind cant even begin to understand it.

  9. Koko says:

    Love is something you practice every day (mostly in small moments that build trust), motivated by the feeling that you are in it together. That you have each other´s backs in the bigger picture.

  10. Tijana says:

    Love has many directions, shapes, colors, scents, and a stretch of time in it, yet it is never enough on its own sadly enough.

  11. Chastity says:

    the person who looks for & values the beautiful qualities & talents you have.The 1 who sees your short-comings as well as your potential who allows you 2 grow & explore. the 1 whose love grows stronger as u progress.

  12. Alicia says:

    Love means:

    -having a best friend and a lover all in one.

    -laughing through embarrassing moments together.

    -being the one call the ‘truce’ even when your pride begs you not to.

    -immediately thinking of the other person when something awesome, or sad, or funny, or upsetting happens to you. Because that person will share the same level of emotion when they hear about it as if it happened to them, making them the best person to turn to for celebration or support.

    -being wrong sometimes (even when you’re not).

    -knowing there are going to be times when you’ll hate each other, yet knowing that’s ok because you love each other more and you have no doubt you’ll make it through the difficult time.

    -actively & routinely doing things to make each others lives easier or better, even when it’s inconvenient.

    -comfortable silences

    -accepting that their needs may be different than yours and meeting their needs even if you don’t fully understand why it’s so important to them.

    -having an insane amount of fun with each other.

    -pulling the other person out of a grouchy mood with only a “look” and a smile.

    -taking it upon yourself to reignite the spark when it dies.

    Love is:
    -A choice

  13. Timi says:

    Love is a feeling and a decision at the same time you make to cherish that person and stick by no matter what!

  14. Timi says:

    Love is to feel that aching in your belly when you’re apart, the missing limb syndrome, where you feel physical pain not holding the subject of your love. When you can’t hold them close enough and worry about the moment you have to let go, because they have to go….it may all sounds a little idealistic, but to me it is what love feels like. It’s not just the honeymoon period, it’s ongoing. It’s the wanting to hold and kiss even after the most horrible fight, forgiving already whatever they did…Unconditional, loyal and caring to deeper level that is explainable.
    p.s.: great clip ;)

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  16. Jo says:

    Love is to me, finding someone who talks about feelings and anything, both having a deep connection, understanding each other, just when when you know you both click with each other, and understand each other on a deeper level. Being a team, working together, and working on problems that arise. Where you can just lay there and talk, and feel and relax.

  17. Laetitia says:

    I don’t know if it’s important to mention it. I’m 24 and i’m live in France. I’ve sent the long post below. ^^
    I want to thank you Matthew because I learned a lot by watching your videos. You are a great help. I felt relieved when I learn things I didn’t understand about men. At the same time I learnt a lot about myself. I still learn and I won’t stop. I can grow indefinitely.
    Someone said “it takes 10 years for a tree 100 years to make a human being”.
    Some other say “don’t become an adult, grow. Growing up is undefined”

    All the best

    Laetitia

    PS: I like the idea that my name means “joy”
    Yours means “gift of God” :)

  18. Laetitia says:

    I’m learning about love, relationship, communication by myself, by reading books and by watching videos and I do realise a really important thing. The only person that can make me happy and hurt me is …MYSELF.
    I’m 100% responsible of my feelings, my state of mind or my choices, good or bad. I can chose to react or to respond to a situation. It’s in my power to change my mindset. It’s simple, not easy. We need to pratice.

    The second thing I learn about is that we are not responsible for the mood, thoughts, actions, choices of others. When people feels responsible about someone’s feelings, they feel guilty. It’s like they are carrying a burden, so they try to fix the situation and if they don’t they become angry, sad or whatever you can imagine in this situation.
    I tried to explain to my mother, to my friend that when I’m in a bad mood it has nothing to do with them.
    I know that when I feel hurt, unsafe or in a bad mood I chose to be in this state, even if it’s unconscious, because I accepted that the situation or the person have power over me.

    I really understood it when I read the book written by Marshall Rosenberg about the Non violent-Communication.
    I really think it is a big help in all relationship, same for the relationship we have with ourselves.

    I want a deeper relation with myself and with others and I understand that it requires good communication, patience and time.

  19. miriam mcgarry says:

    Love is not quantifiable. It is as unique and individual as the couple who come together to create it. But it is so much more than this. It is the force that drives us to face the world with hope and courage. It compels us to feel compassion for others and to care. It can make us laugh and it can reduce us to tears. It can hurt but it can also heal. Love is wonderful – wherever you go and whatever you do “do it with love”

  20. Minh Ng says:

    I’ve read this article over n over again. And I’m understanding it more n more, bit by bit. The problem is the person i thought is worth doing things for; situation seems like im just deceiving myself that he is the one. Anyway Thanks Matt. Love ur writing :)

  21. catin toute seule says:

    Un monumental remerciement au cr

  22. silvia says:

    A wise person once told me,”Love is what you do, not what you say.”

  23. film hot india 2014 says:

    It’s enormous that you are getting ideas from this article
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  24. Fiona says:

    For me, love is when a man sacrifices his time, his job and his selfishness for me. I just once met a man like than, but I deflected him by my fear.

  25. Isabelle says:

    For me, love is being given the energy to do anything for and/or with your partner. It is a new vision, a mouthful of confidence !

  26. Hester says:

    This was deeply touching, and I learned so much. Thank you so very much Matt for sharing this, it’s so valuable

  27. n/a says:

    I just purchased your book a few days ago & have been reading through it as well as the associated videos. I’m so impressed – you’re such a young guy to have so much insight into the nature of people, both men & women. Everything you say rings true so far & you seem very genuine. Thank you for your passion to help others & for being open & honest about your experiences.
    –37 from Dallas

  28. Nykie R says:

    Hello Matt.
    I’m only just 19 and yes I have a lot to learn and a lot of life to experience but hear me out.
    Love to me is always wanting to make yourself better because the person you love deserves the best from you. Love is knowing they are holding your heart essentially and that they either make your beat to their’s or they could crush it and hurt you but giving that ultimate trust and hoping for the best. Love to me is even if you have an argument with them and you are angry with them you can’t help but smile because you thought of a smile or something reminded you of them and you are no longer angry at them as much but they become the reason you smile. At the end of the day you can not imaging your future with out them whether near or far. And even getting a simple hello from them and it brightens your day. Love to me is compromise from both you and him /her, faith, effort, trust and communication. That you are both on the same page to the point it becomes more then needing words to say it.

    That is what love is to me but honesty love it not knowing what will happen but having a feeling it will be fine. :)

  29. LOUISA RAJARETNAM says:

    Matt. Thanks for all the amazing videos and articles. Also I went to the women’s weekend course last week in London and it was amazing!! I have an awesome new set of friendsnow and we’ve created a happy hour group.

    For me love is an emotion and attachment to someone which means you are always missing them every second of the day. You would do anything for that person. It adds an element of sweetness into you life.

  30. Stephanie says:

    Matthew, Would you marry me? haha

    This is beautiful!

  31. Trisha D says:

    Love is like a wind, you cant see it but you can feel it.

    well, i took that from a movie. Because honestly, being in my late 20s I still havent experienced the feeling of being in love…But i know it when it happens i m sure :)

  32. Lais says:

    May I ask which movie the clip was from?

  33. Elisabeth says:

    Thanks for sharing your awesome insight, Matt. Always spot on. I love this. I cried.

    What does love mean to me? It is Truth. Once it is found, it is like the sun. You can shut it out, but it is always there. Just like this clip, truth is not always pretty, and neither is love. But you will fight to keep it.

    Love is Respect. It is consistently creating a deep level of emotional connection and interest in your relationship because you care intensely for that person. It is constance, perseverance, a commitment of the heart. Not just to the one you love, but to yourself. Most importantly to yourself. Ultimately, capturing REAL love comes from knowing who you are, deep down in your gut, and loving yourself, flaws and all. It is knowing and accepting your own flaws and faults, and not allowing them to stand in your way or to define who you are. It is respecting yourself, and trusting who you are as a woman (or a man). Being WHO you are, and learning to love yourself more than he loves you so that no matter what situation you may find yourself in, you can find happiness with or without him. Interestingly, when he feels you are happy, not only does he find you incredibly attractive, he feels amazing. He feels respected. A man translates respect into love, and when he feels respected, he wants to love you more. And you receive more love as a result. Understand a man, truly get him as a man, and he will drink hot lava and crawl over broken glass for you. Love grows and escalates with consistency and action (and that type of action too).

    Lastly, but not in the least, REAL love withstands all things. It is literally greater than gravity. Real love is unconditional, yet the level of passion is conditional to how you feed it. It is a verb, and much more than just a feeling. Feelings wane, become misplaced and sometimes are lost. But Love withstands time, distance and death. Even when the passion has long since gone, real love will exist. Love has the power and capacity to grow deeper, stronger, to be all consuming. To quote Merlin in Disney’s The Sword in the Stone, love is indeed, “the greatest force on Earth.”

  34. Tricia says:

    Well done, Matthew! You hit the nail on the head! Completely accurate & thought-provoking!

  35. Jill says:

    Many say there is no such think as Happily ever after But there is just not Perfectly ever after.

  36. Kg says:

    What love is mean to me?
    Love is
    1- purity
    2- sutel dowen
    3-safe and confedence
    4- fast hart beeting
    5- respect between two person and shearing live together
    6- love is that both know the disadvantage of each other but even that they like it

  37. lola says:

    Hi there! :)
    I really do like this one, but I also wanted to say that parents should learn their kids to only approach to women when they are truly single. It hurts me every time when mans approach me when they are already married or have someone else. I really do hate this and I think that no one deserve this!
    There’s also one guy that I met, he’s such a player (I didn’t date him). I took distance from him and I told him to back off. But he just don’t care about my feelings and hits me up every time (also other girls).. What’s their problem or is there a problem with me?

  38. victoria says:

    May I ask which movie the clip was from? I think I need to store it in my reference folders for life.

  39. Lisa-Marie says:

    to me love is waking up in the morning and the very thought of that someone special makes you smile and have that feeling of todays going to be a great day. Its the drive that make you sit up look at yourself and want to be more that your ever thought you could be, it inspires you to do/try things you never would or thought you could. It’s wanting to share your life with someone, making them apart of every moment and being apart of every moment good, bad, sad, lonely, scared, excited. Its a bond/ friendship that you choose to have in your life simply because you cant image life without them, growning and discovering new things together knowing that no matter what life throwns at you, your going to stand strong for one another,and when all is wrong in the world, your thankful that there is such a thing call loved and your blessed because you have someone to share it with. xxxxx

  40. Mary says:

    I loved the clip and how I wish it could be like that for me.

    I know that the love I receive is something that he thinks is love but I do not. I don’t feel loved but I know I am because he thinks so. I am lonely and I feel alone but he doesn’t understand and unfortunately, he never will.

  41. *Idea* says:

    Love is something invisible. it can’t be bought. Only earned.

    The picky heart might reject others.. Because their unwillingness to look deeper.

    Love is that feeling that u get in your heart… as if it’s being lifted and it doesn’t belong to you at all.. Completely gone out of control. All because of that special someone… Even after years of being with each other.

    You keep getting to know them more and more… but there is still much more to be told. And you still have the interest in hearing it.
    Even in the bad times. You don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable..
    feeling of venerability is there
    definitely delicacy and.. basically…

    Love + War = Harmony

    Even in ancient times.. There was a god of love and a god of war. They had a child and named her harmony.
    Therefore you have to be prepared to suffer as well as be easy and swift to show your affections, not afraid of feeling weak and opening up.

    Because harmony can only be achieved when you are PREPARED FOR BOTH.

    It has the ability to make it seem like heaven on earth..

    It is so much more than science.

    Magic of transformation..

    Its like an ocean-there’s more than meets the eye…

  42. Carolyn says:

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (The Bible, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

  43. Isabella says:

    What is Love to me? When you have not expectations and not obligations , when you are realistic and living in the reality not when you are a dreamer. when you are able to accept that person as exactly he or she is, letting them acting natural,genuine, without asking anything. Being able to enjoy the nicest moments but also being stronger to cope the difficult moments giving your support to your partner. Do not idealize that special person, because that is in your mind, and when you see the reality you tend to think that she or he deceived you. But the truth is that you are the one who deceived yourself.

  44. Mandi says:

    I feel very blessed that my parents did teach me this. One of my favorite quotes is from my dad, “I’d swim through shark infested water to give your mother a lemonaid, just to make her happy.”

  45. Stephanie Cruz says:

    LOVE IS A DECISION!

  46. Jo says:

    I believe love is accepting someone for who they are and not who they “could be” or “should be”.

  47. Jane says:

    Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

  48. Alannah says:

    Love is what was said ‘hard graft’ but it is also the best feeling in the world. Love is about two people feeling so strong emotions for one another through not only the good times but also the bad. It’s about loving them even though they make you so angry sometimes and loving them for their imperfections as well as everything good about them. You may want to just shout at one another or you may want to spend the day together with no interuptions but either way they still have that hold over you where you just want to be with them. Even if you love someone that you aren’t with it is still amazing, the feeling of butterflies ever time you see them, your heart skipping a beat, wanting to talk to them and be with them just so you can know what’s going on with them, what makes them happy etc. But this isn’t always hunky dory, pain comes along with these feelings, the pain of having to move on and knowing that no matter how much you want it, nothing will ever happen xx

  49. Julia says:

    Okay. At first it wouldn’t play on my phone. Now I have to see the whole movie. I also want to change my previous answer somewhat.
    I agree with everything his says. Love is not the beautiful moments, which are only part of it. It’s the down and dirty, want to punch a hole in the wall moments that make it matter. Because that person hasn’t left yet, they are sticking with too.
    For me I have not found what he is talking about. But I know what he means. To love a person that hard and deeply, is giving yourself to them. Not just in body or spirit but your heart. That is powerful. And that power can build you up and break you down. Even if you are sure of who you are and want you want. To lose it…is like losing your heart. Honestly, some will do anything to keep it. Wouldn’t you?
    Like in the movie, he is trying to make him (guy tie to a chair) understand, this is my heart you are messing with. Not just hers, mine as well. And that is a dangerous thing, for I’m not as nice as her.
    No one should give everything, and get back nothing. For all those who are, weigh it, everything. Be honest with yourself, is this (whatever it is) what you want out of a relationship with that person. If it is, make it plain to that person. Go for a walk or talk in your house. But tell them, they will let you know if they think you are worth it too. If not, do the same. I think it’s easier to hurt now, than to wait and it hurt more later.

  50. Ruth says:

    “Love is like a sea” – Alicia Keys.
    Well, for me love is more spiritual thing, when the bond between you and your partner is very strong, you feel, like he/she is your real home, there’s a some kind of trust, like you would trust yourself, and feeling, that there is no empty space between you, and when you both are separated by distance and time, you still feel he/she in your heart, staying whit you all the time, you never feel lonely on this earth anymore, you just have your heart, because when you are uhmm… how to say..”single” or alone, you just feel that in your heart there’s no love, but then you find IT, you feel your heart doing the best thing it can – to love.
    Excuse me for bad english : )

  51. Julia says:

    Love is considerate, at times patient, loud, soft, gentle, and even hard-headed. Some days its easy, other days it’s complicated. But it should relish in the quiet moment, cheer for you when your down. And when it doesn’t understand or does it wrong, be strong enough to try again. Everyone loves in their own way, make it clear to those you love that you love them.

  52. cecy says:

    el amor es el mejor y el peor sentimiento, es lo mejor y lo peor que nos pasa en la vida, es la felicidad y la tristesa, el amor es lo mas complejo que conoci en mi vida, es algo que muhcas veces no llegamos a entender, pero sin embargo, es algo que todos constantemente buscamos, inclusive sabiendo que podemos sufrir muchisimo, e incluso habiendo sufrido muchisimo, el amor es algo que esta en todas partes pero aveces no lo podemos ver, es la union de dos almas que, sin importar las condiciones externas, quieran estar juntas y compartir todo una con la otra, en el amor hay dos cosas aseguradas el dolor y la felicidad y jamas se puede amar sin sentir ambas, pero el verdadero amor es cuando sabiendo que vas a sufrir no te importe porque por esa persona sos capas de todo incluso sufrir, porque la amas, el amor es lo mas parecido que extiste a la magia.

  53. Joel says:

    like Scroobius pip said it: “Love at first sight always seemed unconsidered. I’d rather love at first fight, and then onto double figures. An unconditional love? Well, that just means nothing. In love with the mere idea of loving something.” – broken promise.

  54. hiromi says:

    an excellent topic, very timely for me. very true and hard to find this much honest comment from a person like you since most love life coaches out there want to sugar-coat what love looks like. i really appreciate what you said here, matt :)

  55. Anna says:

    Hi Matthew,

    That is beautiful spoken: ”we have to decide that there’s someone out there we deem to be worthy enough to put in all of that effort for. Someone who is worth the pain and hard moments. ”

    I believe this, but I still did not find him.
    Maybe it has to do with a decision in he first place.

    Love your letters ;-)
    x

  56. Shahida says:

    Love – respecting, understanding and giving the space

  57. joyce says:

    love is a unique feelings its so nice and beatiful but its so painfull and hurting as well…its a very gud feelings when things goes well…and a very awful one when things goes wrong
    we need love in life though

  58. Sage says:

    Love and sex are two different things to me and I surely adore having the two combined(more orgazims please;)! I know I have the ability to love and to be love yet am to first to say I’ve much to learn in being better with the above stated abilities–working on the work in progress :) May we all find the agape type of love in our lives.

  59. Chloe says:

    Love to me, means that person I am most happy with, who I smile the most with, who I want to share the best things in life with, who inspires me and evokes me to I want to inspired back too. I think love is forgiving someone’s mistakes or flaws and loving them regardless. Love is knowing that person will be there for you through everything because there’s nowhere else they’d rather be.

  60. Cris:Gladly says:

    That video clip is amazing. And true. I agree that people want it to be easy. What I’ve never understood is the resistance to the effort. People push back against that and I never have. I left an 18 year unhappy marriage that I put so much effort into trying to get it somewhere it was just never going to go, but I don’t regret the effort. … And in my new relationships, I feel like that effort is an honor. Being able to be there for someone when they need you … when they struggle, feel insecure, fumble a bit, and your patience, love, listening, compassion helps restore them to version of themselves that THEY most want to be (not who we think they SHOULD be) is a gift we get to give. The trick is finding someone who finds it as much of an honor to show up for you (on your great days and your stumbling days) and you find it to show up for them.

    Love is worth the effort.

  61. Vanessa Vallozzi says:

    Love Is …

    Love is the greatest feeling,
    Love is like a play,
    Love is what I feel for you,
    Each and every day,
    Love is like a smile,
    Love is like a song,
    Love is a great emotion,
    That keeps us going strong,
    I love you with my heart,
    My body and my soul,
    I love the way I keep loving,
    Like a love I can’t control,
    So remember when your eyes meet mine,
    I love you with all my heart,
    And I have poured my entire soul into you,
    Right from the very start.

    Love is about the small things, the small gestures that you do because you know the other person likes it. What love means to me is that no matter what issues you face or what arguments you have, you respect the other person. If it is really love then you do not give up at the first sign of trouble. If it is really love then you pick up the hawian donut with sprinkles just because it is his or hers favourite. You do the laundry because you know the other person needs or deserves a break (and plus it is your turn). You give him a foot rub after his hockey game because you know he likes it. Love is knowing that even when a person does something you don’t like you can forgive them. The clip puts it in perspective… love is when you are standing there watching a hockey game or a ballet performance even though you hate it, because you know the other person enjoys it, you know it makes them smile.

  62. Liana says:

    As Sartre put it, love is “un mensonge a deux”‘a two-sided lie.’

    However, what a wonderful one…

  63. T says:

    Love is like learning to dance. You know you’re gonna get your toes stepped on, or that you’ll step on some toes yourself but it’s part of the process. That your partner can forgive and move along with you is what it’s all about.

    • Sage says:

      Agreed – that’s why I’ve been taking dancing lessions with steel enforced shoes and padding on my legs ;) (smile)

  64. Astrid says:

    Love is about accepting that no one’s perfect and being able to forgive your partner if they hurt you, no matter how painful it was. I’m not saying it’ll be an easy task to do that, but I think letting go and moving forward are part of love too.

    Thank you, Matthew, for all of your videos and advice. You have helped me in realizing what I needed to do to be able to open myself up for love again. You’re an inspiration, a light at the end of the tunnel if I may say so.

  65. Anna says:

    love is something everyone wants. sometimes you need to be patient and it’s difficult because love isn’t a quick fix, it can’t be substituted by other things. it makes you fight stronger than you thought that you could. it can hurt more than you knew it would but you can’t give up, you can’t stop trying and fighting. because love is the most beautiful thing in the world that you can share with someone. it’s the drive to keep giving 110%. even if it means waiting, or breaking out of your compfort zone or facing rejection. love is universal it’s harmony when everything else is wrong.

  66. Katherine Lopera says:

    Hey Matt! I’ve treid watching the video but only grasped about 20% of the content spoken. I am in Colombia and its hard to understand fast oral American English,and much less the more trained accent depicted… Is this video shown somewhere with captions by any chance??? Thank You!

  67. Emily says:

    Love is irrational, unexplainable, painful and yet we keep trying/hoping though it doesn’t make sense and isn’t logical……xx

    • Sage says:

      True and lust can strike in an instant – but real love always takes time and effort. And sex drive can too easily be mistaken for love – convinced it’s in our chemistry as humans. Can be good, can be bad – it just is. And then there are the issues of life, liberty, and pursuit of happyness-even where I live there are families/communities manipulate/force one to marry with no concern for the individual’s personal preferences i.e. a very young woman marrying a much older man because he wants her and he has wealth/power because her parents want her secure or are afraid of the old man. The old man only wants (love?) what he wants – his possession.

      • Emily says:

        Sage – I think you have no idea about the word love and what it means by what you have left as a comment/reply here….the world will lead you and clearly has – sorry.

  68. ambi says:

    i agree with red apple’s comment and what bob marley said zabout love.
    but i also think love is the closest thing to magic that we have.

  69. Amani says:

    I think love is the most painful feeling in the world, but also the most amazing one.

  70. Melissa says:

    Love is life. It’s alive, it changes, it grows, and it can die if you let it. Love is when you can look at the person in front of you even when all the fuzzy feelings aren’t there all the time, you wouldn’t have it any other way. Love is when you put your partners needs in front of your own and you’re not even conscious of it. Love doesn’t keep score. It’s honest, pure, genuine, and kind. Love isn’t only just a feeling, it’s a choice.

    • Sage says:

      Love can also die dispite your best efforts – life is many times uncertain easily shortened – it’s always a two way partnership package deal.

  71. MaryLou says:

    Quite true. When you quit working at love and loving one another things fall apart. Its a partnership when it works. When its one sided its an uphill battle.

  72. Jo says:

    Beautiful article and clip!

  73. S says:

    Matt, that was really beautiful and poetic. I have gone my entire life being a hopeless romantic – you meet the perfect person, fall in love and its all roses and sunshine after.
    My definition of love changed tremendously in the last year. I now understand that love is hard-work, its practical, its the day-to-day stuff through the big and small.
    Love is delicate, love is fragile. Love is respect, care, trust and the commitment to choose that person day-after-day. Its the little things that someone does for you that matter more than the grand gestures. And, above all love means peace and freedom.

    Even after everything I went through last year, I believe in love more than ever.

    Thanks for all your advice. You’re awesome doing what you do!

  74. Helen says:

    Love is learning to live with faults, and even appreciating the other person’s foibles. I have heard that you like a person for their positive attributes, but love them despite or because of their faults. My late husband was so supportive in many respects, and in hindsight, I think it is what was the most important thing, as few people outside a partnership will be there for you 24/7. That is why choosing correctly is so important. If you dont feel supported, you dont feel loved.

  75. Denise says:

    Being by my side (supportive) and telling me the truth about the important things.

  76. Dorothy says:

    Love is a choice.

    To love means to be willing to make sacrifices for someone else. The opposite of love means you expect someone else to make sacrifices for you.

    Which is why it is so important who we choose. No one is perfect, but if you are going to truly love someone, then you must judge if they are worth it, if they are right for you, if you can build and maintain a mutually respectful relationship.

    When you have found that person, then give your WHOLE HEART. And stick with them.

    That is love.

  77. Audrey says:

    Love is about acting loving toward another even when you do not feel loving – Emotions are fleeting. It’s respecting each other deeply and committing to love, respect, and taking care of each other no matter what. Unconditional love, Unconditional forgiveness.

  78. Sara says:

    Bob Marley: ‘The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.’

  79. Patience says:

    love is the feeling of being safe and cared for,knowing that at the end of the day when you pick up the phone of come home there is going to be someone at the end of either the phone of the door, love is knowing for sure that someone still weant you and know you maybe more that you know yourself and that they love you for all the mistakes and the good in you

  80. Red Apple* says:

    LOVE!
    Love is paradoxical.
    Love is FRIEDNSHIP, CHARITY…
    Love is FREEDOM in its purest way!
    Love is not only acceptance and respect, but an everlasting FASCINATION by a person that through TIME got more and more unique in your eyes.
    Finally,”what one carries deep in their heart, cannot be lost after death”(Goethe).

    I for my part, never felt that mutual love. I always felt like I loved him more than he could imagine…

    Well, good luck for you ladies out there!I wish you all the best!
    Most of all, I wish you true and pure Love.

    Yours

    Red Apple ;)

  81. Thirza says:

    Just wondering if the ‘tied up French guy’ understood a word of that! ;-)

    • Sage says:

      I wonder if the woman in the ‘triangle’ understood a word of that and would like to watch the entire movie. That sence didn’t give a clue as to what the woman wanted!

  82. Ana says:

    I will say this is true for any relationship – relationships are hard and both sites have to like each other enough to put up with bad and good times. I am talking about friendships and partners, families are completely different – no choice there you have to make it work.

    Is it legal to put that video file on your website? I was just wondering….

  83. Maya says:

    acceptance

  84. Leticia says:

    From a medical point of view I would say passion is the natural urge to procreate. Love later serves to bring up the offspring together, a feat hardly handable alone. Other than that, love, and especially the pain that inevitably comes with it, is able evokes an infinite amount of creativity and energy, that might otherwise stay hidden under the layers of daily routine. It is not the feeling of love i question but rather the point of realtionships, that will in most cases ultimately take that creativity and energy away. As Oscar Wilde said “When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.”

    • Cris:Gladly says:

      Wow. Not very “romantic” to hear … but true: Oscar Wilde said “When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.”

      I realized recently after a whirlwind romance with someone that fell flat, that wow, wouldn’t the REAL romance be that instead of showering this stranger with gifts and declarations of love and our time and attention (this person we have conjured an illusion about and not really taken the time to get to know) … if we took our time instead and really got to know them. And THEN, when we did … if we find ourselves SO captivated by who this person ACTUALLY IS, that THEN we shower then with love and attention and gifts and romance b/c we are celebrating this amazing person that we’ve found (who is REAL) … that seems far more romantic to me.

    • Sage says:

      That urge seems to be life long – we have people here active well into their 90s and beyond.

  85. Lori Bradshaw says:

    It might seem crazy but I think Love is like having a baby:

    You carry it with you everywhere and it depends on you to grow. There are times when you feel it moving inside you, and it brings you to tears of joy. There are times that that are tough and get on your last nerve. It can bring labors of pain that you have never experienced before on a level you didn’t know could hurt so bad. But, afterwards you see what has come out of that labor of pain and it makes all of it worth it.

  86. Lourdes Valencia says:

    love?
    its just a feeling…a dangerous one but where you can accept everything as it is…it could be a thing, person, animal or life itself but; it’s ok with that.
    The rest is up on us to decide how to take it.

    • Sage says:

      No feeling is a ‘just a’ because it’s always about a minimum of two separate individuals emotions, thoughts blending of two lives on many different levels in even the most simple things–and many times it turns to attach to even more individuals — even if you are ‘lucky in love’.

  87. monica says:

    love.. is friendship, is caring and being cared for, its giving and being given too. love is understanding, listening and being listened too. love is forgiving and being forgiven. love is laughter and joy. its standing by each other in good times and bad times. and most importantly is communication of each others feelings because without communication how can you understand each other. love is unconditional.

    • Jackie says:

      Love this…very well said…

    • Passion says:

      Awww…That brought me to tears! lol

      Something happened to me and I lost a huge amount of memory so I don’t remember anything about love! lol Then, I concentrated so much on dating and finding the right guy, met someone special and now don’t know what to do! lol I don’t know what to do to be loving! Any recommendations?

      • Danielle says:

        I think focusing on basic things, like treat him the way you would want to be treated (golden rule?), etc., is a good start. Also, just be honest with him, explain to him your memory situation and that you feel like you’re re-learning how to love, and he should be willing to help you along the way. He can tell you what makes him feel loved, etc.

  88. Jenny Abbot says:

    I guess love can take effort. I don’t think it is healthy
    if it is a never ending assault couse though. I think
    these things are a question of balance. Perhaps it is
    important not too take each other for granted. Respect
    and appreciation are impotant. Appreciation of the little
    things,not just the big things. Apologising is important
    if your out of order, you are not grown up until you can
    apologies. Listening to each other is important on a
    regular basis. Point scoring is not good. Saying thank you
    is important and basic good manners.

  89. Michelle says:

    I think I got the wrong idea about love cos my own parents didn’t have a clue. Their relationship wasn’t exactly strong.

  90. TheSinglesHub says:

    Nice piece, thanks Matthew!

    We found the clip moving – love’s awesomeness lies in the little mundane gestures indeed.

    You make an excellent point about the importance of finding the right person. Love is pretty amazing for its own sake. But because it is selfless, it’s easy to dispense it on the ‘wrong’ person – someone who isn’t the right person to appreciate it from us.

    We believe that loving the right person is one of the most important decisions we can make, and not an easy one to achieve. But once with the right person, we can really enjoy the best kind of love – one where communication is relatively ‘easy'(though not without mindfulness and effort) and relatively painless.

    Love that hurts a lot is love with the wrong person. A bit like our speaker in the clip who knows what loves is, but seems to have been sharing it with the wrong lady.

    Looking forward to staying in touch!

    • Sage says:

      I agree with your statement in terms of marriage. The clip is amazing and true though certainly I’d hope never to be in the position of either are in–happens too frequently and almost happened to me kind of in reverse/sideways just recently- thankfully dodged that ‘bullet’-too scarry for words. The clip to me is more about obsession/lust being mistaken for real love. Just for the record, the first thing I try to check is if the individual is married/separated/attached and if they are run very quickly away.

  91. Freda McClure says:

    I think love is in finding that one person that you want to share your entire life with and make the commitment to
    make it last forever through the good and the not so good.

  92. Katrina says:

    Love is being able to perceive the other person for themselves, not a person that we have creaed in our minds of the person we think them to be based on what we know their potenial is. No one could possibly lve up to their full potential all the time, so holding this model of our loved one in our minds as the person they actually are, is unrealistic. When we see the soul of the person stripped of potential, and being who and how they are on a daily basis, this allows us to really love them.

  93. Amani says:

    That is a moving scene, an inspirational article, and yes, I guess I have been aware of the fact about balancing ‘expectations and romance’ and real-life relationships and how much we can endure for each other. I am not alone in realising this. Your article has inspired me to stand stronger by my belief. Thank you:^)

  94. Linnea Molander says:

    Love, for me, are the small signs of affection that makes us know, for sure, that we matter, are seen and loved. I don’t want at fancy diamond ring on my birthday, I’d prefer my favorite candy on a rainy tuesday. It shows you know me and think about me, and for me, THAT is love.

  95. Lynn says:

    Love is the best feeling on earth. Very often it makes me smile and sometimes I get excited. It doesn’t have to be about a person necessarily. But the feeling is the strongest if it’s about somebody. With love, everything lights up. I feel trust, in me and in the person I love. And therefor i feel happy, calm & safe. Love is worth all the pain and work that comes with it, for nothing can compare with it and the feeling of homecoming.

  96. Margaret Robertson says:

    All that was said in the film about love was so accurate and true that it reduced me to tears. Wonderful. xxx

  97. Ana Neves says:

    What loves mean to me…it is very difficult two souls be together with all the stuff they bring to the relationship, but I believe in love I believe in partnership, in friendship and in the special connection between two person that desire the same things or not but want to share with each one everything…

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