How To Stop Falling In Love So Quickly

Stephen Hussey

You meet a guy.

He’s different from the others. It’s not just that you’re incredibly attracted to him. He also seems so much more right for you than the men you’re used to meeting.

He makes you feel at ease. You laugh a lot. His mind turns you on as much as his looks. On top of all that, he’s a gentleman and seems kind as well as confident.

You feel already that this man is going to be important to you. And you even allow yourself to think you might already be feeling something close to love.

Which would all be fine…except it’s only been three dates.

I hear this kind of scenario a lot, particularly from women who tell me this kind of story, only to be later stunned at some revelation that this guy didn’t turn out to be the dream man they so quickly assumed he was.

Yet they were so sure.

How could they have ever seen it coming?

They couldn’t.

And that’s the whole problem.

I’m not here to be the arch-cynic who looks down on the idea that two people can know instantly that they have a deep and special connection, even after only one date. You hear those stories all the time, “I just knew she was the one”. Except, here’s the problem: those stories come from those for whom that was 100% true.

But what about all those people who had the same hunch about a guy who turned out to secretly have a wife and kids? Or that man who suddenly disappeared one day without so much as a text to say goodbye?

There is a kind of survivorship bias at play in married couples: those for whom it worked are always going to tell you the story of just following your heart wherever it leads and going with your first instinct.

But real love doesn’t work like that.

Real love isn’t built on a hunch. It grows from an initial foundation of connection. It comes from two people who have taken the time and effort to build mutual respect and show caring behaviour towards one another.

Yet there are still those who protest that they are “just the passionate type”, that is, the romantic type who fall in love on a whim and get addicted to the pattern of whirlwind romances.

While that sounds like fun, the truth is that those who fall quickly too often fall for the complete wrong people (which is plain to everyone but themselves), usually because of one of a few reasons:

They haven’t learnt how to be alone

When you haven’t learnt how to be self-fulfilled, falling in love becomes just another distraction from your own life.

It becomes a way of papering over cracks, or as an excuse not to work on bigger issues because you get lost in the drama of a new romance (even if it’s one that’s ultimately bad for you).

Sometimes falling in love just becomes a way to alleviate boredom because you’re frustrated with your career. Or it distracts from the fact that you don’t have friends and a social life that brings you joy on a regular basis.

They are insecure about whether they are loveable

When you’re needy for the validation that love offers, it can be because your ego constantly needs to be told it’s loveable, which makes you keep pursuing it as a way to give yourself the feeling of being wanted.

This is why on our retreat programme, Matt spends such a long time diving into the problem of self-worth. We can repeat the same bad patterns in love over and over again simply because we have internal beliefs that need to be fed by diving into relationships too quickly (or that cause us to avoid relationships altogether for fear of getting hurt!).

They are coming from a “scarcity mindset”

We tend to convince ourselves our feelings for someone are stronger than they are when we worry that we just won’t find anyone else again.

This is a “scarcity” mindset, and it typically happens with people who have little experience in relationships, who will become infatuated with anyone that shows them enough attention and affection, without taking a realistic view of whether or not the person is truly compatible with them.

3 Quick Steps To Conquering Addiction To Falling In Love

Though there is no instant medicine or special words that will fix this, the best way to prevent the over-romanticizing is a three step mental process.

Step 1 – Seek out your own sources of happiness

The more you find ways to be fulfilled in your own life, the less you’ll feel the need to dive into relationships in order to experience joy and happiness, or connection, or fun on a regular basis.

Yes, it’s true, there are some needs that only relationships can fulfill, such as romantic emotional attachment and intimacy.

But at least if you work on fulfilling the other areas of your life, you won’t be seeking out relationships for bad reasons, such as to assuage boredom, or to live through someone else, or to cover for a social life that you don’t already have.

Step 2 – Recognize that your emotions (and time) are precious

Falling in love is one thing. But heartbreak is extremely costly in terms of time and emotion. Not only can it leave you spending previous months grieving for someone who was always wrong to begin with, but it can lead to you wasting time that could have been much better spent on the person who is truly right for you.

The more you value your time, the less you’ll be inclined to give it up so easily before you’ve had time to really see if someone is a good fit for a relationship with you.

Protect your energy. It’s the most important resource you have and you never want to waste it on frivolous relationships that will take months to heal from.

Step 3 – Keep a positive, but sober view of the person in front of you

Look, I don’t want to be the cynic who comes along and tells you to be withdrawn and skeptical every time you meet a guy who seems great.

But here’s the thing: you can still be positive, vulnerable and open, whilst also reserving judgment on someone until you know more about them. Think of this as a kind of “mature vulnerability”. You are giving and open, but you’re also self-respecting enough to only invest in a new guy to the extent that he also shows investment back in you.

This also comes down to knowing what you want, and being willing to walk away if he has habits that make him wrong for you in the long-run e.g. he’s way too career-obsessed, he doesn’t care about having a family, he has no standards for his health and well-being.

Each time you take a step forward, you see if he comes alongside with you. Call this the “Invest, then test”. You invest a bit, then see what you get back. Then invest again, then test again. And repeat so that you know you’re entering a relationship that is a two-way street, with both sides giving as much as one another. 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To some people, I imagine this will read as though I’m the cynical love-killing fairy, going around telling people to hold back their feelings and not let themselves go to the spontaneous joy and pleasure of love.

But really, I think this view is more romantic. It treats real love as something that should be developed and based in reality, rather than on a fantasy about someone that may or may not turn out to be true later down the line.

It’s possible to cherish the feeling of falling in love without needing to artificially manufacture it for every person that looks potentially promising.

In other words, don’t mistake a guy with potential with a guy you’re destined to be with. Give him more chances to prove that first.

You can still let someone into your heart, just make sure there are a few barriers to entry.

*****************************************

Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

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37 Responses to How To Stop Falling In Love So Quickly

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  1. Alexandra Giselle says:

    They are coming from a “scarcity mindset”
    We tend to convince ourselves our feelings for someone are stronger than they are when we worry that we just won’t find anyone else again.
    This is a “scarcity” mindset, and it typically happens with people who have little experience in relationships, who will become infatuated with anyone that shows them enough attention and affection, without taking a realistic view of whether or not the person is truly compatible with them.

    I met a guy at work, the first time we saw each other was in October 2016 but he introduced himself in November, we became friends and talk very little not that often because he was in another department, so things got a little more intense as we continued to see each other, from the very start he flirted with me, each day more and more.
    I liked him so much that I rushed into things with him and we almost got sexual, I consider this situation happened because of my lack of self-esteem and the negative thought of not having any one around anymore made me believe I had this one and only chance in my life time so I had to make the most of it.
    I basically hold on to him, and imagine he wanted more, but I guess he was sincere all the time and he made clear that he just wanted to have sex with me, nothing else, I was the only one who did not see it that way, by the end of December I got another job offer which I accepted, I told him right away and he told me he did not want me to go away, I asked him to give me a good reason why I should reject that new position offer and he said “ how are we going to be able to see each other “,?? I should have known from that second he was not serious about anything going on between the both of us, but I hoped that he would reach out to me in my new job so we could finally have a relationship.
    Then in January he texted me, proposing to have sex and saying that we should finished what we started; at first I said yes, and a couple of days went by, then we bump into each other casually and we flirted and he kissed me, he told me that same week , we should get together and have sex, but he never called , so I got on with my life and I realized that he was just playing with me, at first I got mad, and a month later I texted him and told him that since I never heard from him again, we should keep things as friends, but I was angry, now I know that maybe I made a mistake, because I should have ignored him, but.. Well he answered me right away trying to get to the point we were, but I just ignore his comments. After that we just keep casual contact, just by text.
    I believe I should change something in my actual attitude, and that is not trying to keep in touch with him, because he never texts to me, it is me who makes a comment in Facebook, instagram, WhatsApp and he replays always, but that is little investment. I know now that winners do not wait, I will go on with my life, nothing happen at the end , because we did not have sex, and if he ever gets in touch with me again I will put my good energy to work and wish him the best, and move on.
    One good thing resulted from this experience, I believe I got my self-confidence back, because the guy that I am referring to is really attractive and he is a bodybuilder, in my country guys are not attractive at all, and this guy stands out from the rest, every single one of my friends pointed this out that and said to me that at least I was kissed by a hunk.
    I believe my reaction was not bad at all, since I do not have enough experience in love life, as many girls out there do, but I know that I have to learn a lot and practice more often, I never had a serious relationship before, and I am already 30 something years old.
    Thanks for the wonderful videos, your words have had such an impact to me, I finally got the answers I was looking for, what another advice will you give me??, I want to go further and master this things before I meet someone else. What would you recommend for me, were should I start? What is the first lesson to me?.

    #Winners don’t wait 
    Greetings from Ecuador, South America
    Giselle.

  2. thisisit says:

    If only I read this a few years back, it would have saved me a lot of trouble (or maybe not, I’d be too stubborn to believe it).
    But I hope someone else finds wisdom in this rather than through personal experience =)

  3. Reni says:

    Wow Stephen, this article hit home. So much of what you wrote is exactly how I feel. Am celebrating each day of staying single. It’s been an exciting discovery of flourishing and exploring of what I want.
    Always love to read your posts!!

    Girls & boys out there – stay strong & stay true to yourselves!

  4. goddess_on_her_knees says:

    I have a huge problem, The man I have been dating for 3 years now will never allow me to use the whole “invest and test” technique bcuz he either has one of those bad attitudes that somebody owes him something” or he has “trust issues” of his own but that really wouldnt make any sense to me given the fact that when we first started dating each other I poured my heart out to this guy and told him my fears, expectations and my standards, and most of all what I expected if I were to take a chance on dating him bcuz when he met me I was already so damaged from prev relationships that I had my mind pretty much set on being single the rest of my life and had given up on finding a soulmate but here we are 3 years later and he plays the martyr well and it’s as if I never poured my heart out to him that day and was very much up front and very honest from the very start of our relationship. What do I do now? I feel we are no longer compatible.

  5. Disillusioned says:

    Why don’t you say in your book that men will naturally pull away and also that if they have something big going on in their lives they can’t spend as much time on you but you should just accept this and do your own thing as trying to chase them in this phase will make you look needy.Tho the book talks about being high value and only investing when he does I don’t think it deals with what happens when he invests loads and sucks you in then starts pulling away.

  6. DP says:

    Each time you take a step forward, you see if he comes alongside with you. Call this the “Invest, then test”. You invest a bit, then see what you get back.

    Such an important aspect of starting a relationship.

  7. Lindsey Thaden says:

    You are not a “cynical, love-killing fairy.” Lol. I completely agree that ppl lose themselves too quickly in partners they don’t even know. Your approach is practical and smart.

    When I read this, I kept thinking of the book, “the secret lives of wives.” It’s about maintaining a separateness even in marriage to maintain your identity and the hobbies or characteristics that make you cool and unique – to feed yourself. Going into a relationship in the way you described, I feel like it would be easier to transition to be a more self-reliant, balanced person, even in the relationship. This is a great way to start. I think both “society” and the traditionally held “value” of a woman make women rush in head first into relationships to fulfill their “role” as wife and mother. Without these labels, women feel inadequate so they are in such a hurry to get there. A friend posted a great response today to the judgemental question: “Why are you still single?” “I’m overqualified.” ;)

  8. Sydney says:

    S,

    I am supposed to report on my progress from your article next week but I am just going to provide it in advance. I’ll probably be doing great with my goals and stuff.

    Any way, why not couple weekly articles with weekly periscope for readers who want to know more. Additional challenge there for you, in addition to writing.

    Ta ta,
    S

  9. Donna says:

    great post as usual

  10. Annette says:

    This is one amazing article.
    Thank you Stephen.

  11. Veronika says:

    I agree and I would also add the 4th point – not to overanalyze everything what happened (what might happened), stop daydreaming about that guy at all…then there is connection that is not completely based on reality either..

  12. Aj says:

    I really appreciate that.. I constantly tell my coworkers we talk about love and I constantly tell them I said love is something that takes time to grow and to work on it and seeing the beauty of it grow. Illustrate it’s like planting a seed in the garden and watching it grow into a beautiful flower. And it takes time for a seed to grow into a flower. Intakes work and nurturing and watering. Love grow stronger with time. Thank you Stephen I’ll definitely share this with my coworkers.

  13. Maz says:

    Really good advice. I’ve been guilty of the looking for love to alleviate the boredom. However, when I do find someone I like, I haven’t had the practise of dealing with it properly previously.

    I’ve always been afraid of losing that ‘loving feeling’hence the need to ‘manufacture’ a romance. This is a real eye opener. Thanks from one emotionally immature middle aged woman. ;)

  14. Emily says:

    Such healthy advice (as always)!
    Point #2 hit me again today but hadn’t thought of it quite in those terms. “heartbreak is extremely costly in terms of time and emotion…it leave you spending previous months grieving for someone who was always wrong to begin with”

  15. Sydney says:

    Yeah, yeah, yeah

  16. Vicky Vaga says:

    It grows from the initial foundation of connection ….so true….

  17. Lisy says:

    The amazing,intelligent Steph!You just touch my heart with this article,it’s all about me,but now that i know the 3 steps,i won’t do the same mistakes.Thanks handsome.

  18. Mikhaela says:

    #2 Hit home for me. Thank you for the eye opener. I love reading your articles.

  19. Natacha says:

    This article was written for me. Now I understand better why I always end up broken.
    Damn.

    Ok, step 1 starts today!

    Thanks Stephen!!! You are the man!

  20. Arianna says:

    Hey Steve,

    I have a friend date at the end of today. She says she has a lot to tell me, so I am guessing the subject will be love. :) Thanks for the new article… even this hopeless romantic liked it. ;)

    Warmly,

    Arianna

  21. Gr8gal says:

    Thanks Matt for all the advice you gave. It’s always positive and changed my perspective .

    I have this situation on which I would like to know your thoughts.

    Me and my friend both single , looking for guys in meet up etc. Usually we hangout together go out trying to find new guys, however it seems that all the guys are attracted to her and I am kind of friend zoned every time . Don’t get me wrong I am all motivated with your videos , but this is happening for straight 6 months now.
    Little bit background on her she is tall,slim , good looking, basically more beautiful than me. I have my good traits too like I am financially stable , reasonably good looking, intelligent, logically sound. but I still see none of the guys we met together liked me.
    Seems like all of her lies , and twisted talks are pardoned .
    I am sure if a guy spend some time with me they would like my personality.
    So my question is are all guys will fall only for beauty . Is it that Until the guys have a better looking option than me they will not show interest in me.
    Or am I meeting the wrong guys when with my friend.
    How to get the guys get to know me better.

    • Pixie says:

      I don’t think it is about looks. Looks might be why they start talking, but that is not what is holding their attention.
      I say this because I used to go out with girlfriends, some better looking, some not and I always had the same response where they would get hit on and leave the night with a date and I wouldn’t.
      At the time I thought there must be something wrong with me, I’m not pretty. I was half right, but I’ll get back to that in a moment.
      It wasn’t until I started going out with my male friends more and my female friends less I figured out why. When I’d go out with the guys I was getting hit on by other guys almost every time and walking away with numbers and dates every time. It didn’t matter where we were, restaurants, coffee shop, club, sports bar, bank, grocery store, I always got hit on, but still wouldn’t when I’d go out with my female friends.
      Why?
      Because even though I was single and interested in meeting new people and looking for a potential partner I would let my female friends have the floor and attention and stand back. If someone came over to our table she’d be the first to talk, she’d be the one to invite them to stay. I’d talk with them, but politely, not flirting and nothing to get their attention or distract them from her especially if she was expessing interest in the guy.
      I’m not a fan of being the center of attention so I let her have it all and I am not competitive so I’d give in without even trying. I didn’t realize I was doing this, because as I said I still talked to them and I’d smile. I wouldn’t turn towards them, even in the slightest and give them my attention either. Yeah I’d listen and laugh and talk, but a stop not interest in moving past this range.
      It wasn’t until I realized she was me when I was with the guys, laid back, smiling, flirty, eye contact, fun, engaging, commanding the room (unintentional on my part I was just being me) that things started to change.
      I stopped being me with the girls and started being the same me I was when I was with the guys.
      Some of my female friends got mad once I started being me with the guys and not me with guys around my female friends because they were no longer getting all the attention and all the numbers. One even went so far as to tell me I needed to stop and go back to who I was before because this new me was a problem and the only reason she liked hanging out with me was because I never acted like other girls before and she didn’t have to worry about me going after a guy she wanted. The oddest part is she happened to be one of my prettiest friends and still had no problems getting numbers and dates, she just didn’t get all of them anymore. It was after that I realized I was just an ego boost for her, as long as I let her take center stage, and we stopped hanging out as much.
      Most of my female friends were fine with me finally being me even when guys were around and one even said it was about damn time I got over my fear of guys.
      So as you can see I was half right, because it really was Mr that was the problem. So look back at when you’ve gone out together, what you are doing, how you are acting, how she is acting, what do you talk about,what does she talk about, are you even interested in any of the guys that approach the two of you? Are you putting to much pressure on yourself to find someone or too much emphasis on being single? What are you thinking when you are getting ready? Are you discouraging yourself before you even go out thinking she’s prettier, she’s going to get all the dates aanyway? Are you putting pressure to meet guys or are you just thinking about going out with your friend and painting the town? Do you ever say hey and smile first, invite them to sit if the say the have friends, invite them over or even flirt a little and say well if they’re as cute as you they’re welcome to join us (sorry, my personal thing, yours can be whatever) and if you saw where he came from with his friends maybe ask those your friends over there and when he says yes smile at them and wave them over? How are you engaging the guys that come over?

    • coco says:

      You asked why guys don’t fall for your personality…you just said a woman you call your friend a liar and twisted…maybe don’t focus on her so much focus on yourself, in any case if your supposed friend is really like that why would you want the guys that like her anyway…? If you don’t like all the attention your friend gets over you then hang out with different friends when you go out, get into different circles. You may even start hanging out with people you can call friends without judgment and find a man who will take the time to get to know you. However beauty comes first, for someone to make a move on you they have to be attracted to you so be the best version of yourself there is and then keep him with your personality…should he like it.

  22. Julie MacKenzie says:

    Another awesome blog Stephen…You are so smart! ;)

  23. Link says:

    Another great article, Stephen. Falling too fast would cloud the judgement to truly see his personalities. Thank you for such great advice

  24. JJ says:

    Love this So much! Thank you Stephen – and I’m proud and happy that I share the same view on falling in love! :) Love the way you put it! Amazing :)

  25. Stella says:

    I completely agree with everything you wrote and I loved the “invest and then test”.
    I never get super excited when meeting someone new. It takes time to see who is worth your time and emotions. However, I’ve seen women doing this mistake and having to face the consequences later on.
    Loved Monday’s Periscope about your blogging lessons. Keep posting more!

    • Disillusioned says:

      Why does none of your stuff say about how men pull away and when this happens you should let them instead of focusing on sending them sexual messages to keep their attention?

  26. Antonia says:

    Falling for guys too quickly – always my problem. I’ve let a guy control my energy for months now and I know it’s time to move on. Thank you for this post!! I need to put up more barriers in front of my heart.

  27. Anna says:

    Stephen, I love your input in ‘Get The Guy’. Always great content in the blogs and I’m enjoying that you’ve recently featured on Matt’s radio interviews.

    Since actively learning from all the advice you put out there, I feel like a better person. I know it’s business, but you guys are really making a difference. That the added value.

    Thanks again.
    You’re not a love-killing fairy!

  28. Michelle Clarke says:

    This is exactly what I was hoping you’d write for us. Thanks Stephen. Great practical advice.

    Loved last night’s periscope btw. ;)

  29. Tara says:

    I so needed to hear this today, Stephen. Thank-you.

    Falling for a guy too quickly has been a long-standing problem of mine and the reason I ended up at the retreat last December. I had no boundaries around my heart and got carried away with fantasies based on scarily little.

    This would result in not just heartbreak but serious depression when I inevitably realised the reality of the situation.

    Knowing where you’re going wrong is only part of the solution and over the last couple of days I’ve felt myself slipping back into dangerous old habits. So it’s invaluable to me to have these strategies for keeping my head and protecting my heart while the guy proves himself (or not).

    I completely agree it’s not about being cynical, it’s about ensuring what you feel has a foundation and potentially saving yourself a lot of grief further down the line. I also think it shows more respect for the guy if your feelings are based on him and his actions and not a starry-eyed fantasy that doesn’t actually exist.

    Thanks to my own work and the retreat, I think I have Step 1 sorted, but will pay attention to Steps 2 and 3.

    Much appreciated!

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I Don’t Feel That “Spark”, Should I Go On Another Date With Him?
I Don’t Feel That “Spark”, Should I Go On Another Date With Him?

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