How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone (Today Show)

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Transcript

Kathie Lee: Okay, we’re back on this tri-day Friday with more of Today, and it’s time to get the Other View on dating and relationships.

Hoda: To get inside your man’s head and tell you what he’s really thinking is relationship expert and host of iHeartRadio’s LOVELife With Matthew Hussey, Matthew Hussey.

Kathie Lee: Who else would it be? That’s the name of the show, you know? We love him though. Hi sweetie.

Matthew: Hi.

Hoda: Are you ready to hear? Donna’s got a question for you.

Matthew: I’m ready.

Hoda: When a guy crush pronounces you to others as ‘the nicest person he’s ever met and loves you from the bottom of his heart’, have you been placed in the non-romantic friend zone?

Matthew: You’re like DEEP in the friend zone. Drowing in the friend zone. If he’s comfortable enough to say that, if he liked you he’d certainly be comfortable enough to say that – you know, I’m into you, or I find you sexy, or something. But to say that really indicates you’re in the friend zone. Here’s her biggest problem: when he says that, if she’s a nice person – which I suspect she is; that’s kind of part of her identity – when he says that she’s the nicest person she’s ever met, she’ll take that as validation to keep being nice. But she needs to stop being so nice.

Spend a day being bossy. Spend a day teasing him. Spend a day peppering your everyday language with more sexual language. Instead of saying he looks ‘nice’ tonight, say he looks ‘sexy’ tonight.

As soon as she starts doing that, he won’t put her in that role anymore.

Kathie Lee: But maybe he just isn’t attracted to her.

Matthew: Maybe. Or maybe she’s nice to everyone and everything thinks she’s just nice. That’s the big danger. When you’re too nice everyone can think you’re too nice.

Hoda: You can still be nice and tease someone.

Matthew: We actually call that a ‘Unique Pairing’ – it’s when you find two qualities that seem opposing in the same person. I would say to her, we created a guide that helps people break their normal patterns in the New Year.

If she has a pattern of being too nice, we can fix that. We have a guide called The 6 Shortcuts To True Love In 2014.

Kathie Lee: I like the way he says ‘pattern’.

Hoda: I just like that you skip a lot of letters.

Debbie in her fifties asks this: There’s a guy at my gym that I’ve been conversing with over the past two months. Do you think it’s okay to ask him if he would like to get together? I’m a bit old-school and would prefer for him to ask me out. I’m also not sure how to go about doing it. What would you suggest?

Matthew: Okay, you’ve got to start taking action firstly. You can’t just wait. If you keep being old-school, you’re going to be REALLY old-school by the time you find someone.

If she wants to ask him out, there’s a way to do it. If she says, go for a hike or something like that with him. You’re in the gym anyway, so do something sporty, something he’ll be part of. Say, you know what, I’m going hiking this Wednesday, you should come. If you have time, you should come.

That way she’s not putting a question mark on the end of it. I always think question marks make people less sexy. When you put a question mark on something it’s like inviting doubt. It’s asking ‘do you want to come?’. If you say, ‘I’m going hiking on Wednesday you should come’, the only question they have to ask is whether they can, not whether they want to.

That way, if he doesn’t like her, he won’t take her up on it. If he does, he will, but there’s no risk of rejection because she never asked in the first place. It won’t be awkward the next week at the gym.

Hoda: I did that. There was a guy at the gym, probably, whenever it was, a year or so ago, and I thought he was cute. I walked up to him and I didn’t know what to do, and I really just wanted to have a drink after the thing or something, and I said, oh do you work around here? Maybe we could get a drink after. And he was with someone and I was totally humiliated. And afterwards I never even spoke to him. I hardly looked at him and I was so embarrassed.

Kathie Lee: And rightfully so!

Matthew: If you had just said, ‘I’m going for a drink later, if you’re around come’, then there’s no possibility of rejection.

Kathie Lee: But she goes to the gym at 5 in the morning! Where are you going to go and have a drink!?

Hoda: I said after! That’s the last time I share my insecurities on this program.

Vikki asks this: If I catch my husband lying about small things, does that mean he’s lying about important things like cheating?

Matthew: I look at this in one of two ways. Either she’s crazy or he is. Either he’s the type of person that’s lying about everything – he’s too spineless to just want to say certain things that might get him in trouble, or she’s the type of nightmare woman who makes it difficult to tell the truth ever, because she reacts in a dramatic way to everything.

And that exists too. Sometimes people start lying about little things because they go, every time I tell some truth about something, you over react. So it’s easier for me to lie.

So there’s two things. Firstly, tell him that he’s in danger of you taking his words less seriously if he keeps lying about those little things. I know they’re not the biggest thing in the world, but if you keep doing it, I won’t take your word anymore.

But, also make it easy for him to tell the truth. When he does tell the truth, react in a way that makes it easier for him to tell the truth next time, not harder.

The other thing is she jumped straight to cheating too, which is an indicator of an insecurity there.

Kathie Lee: We’ve got to go, but have you ever had your heart broken?

Matthew: I had my heart broken, yeah. Why do you ask? That’s very personal all of a sudden.

Kathie Lee: I know, but because you have such wisdom for a young man, and you seem to have come in, and it’s just nice to know you’re human too.

Matthew: No, I absolutely am.

Kathie Lee: So tell us. Wait, no, now we have to go. Next time, Matthew Hussey to tell us about his heart break.

Hoda: And if you have a relationship question for Matthew, head over to KLGAndHoda.com and hit the connect button.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

7 Responses to How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone (Today Show)

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  1. Musiclover says:

    (Sry my letter came twice, had some complications with the delete a word bottum and send. I am writing from my iPhone)

  2. Musiclover says:

    Hey matt.. I am very in love with a friend of mine, who doesn’t see me that way. I mean, we became friends quickley have known him for Real in 4 months and It has been confusing all summer. First i kind of figures he wasn’t interested in me, so as you said i just laid back and mooved on as fast as possible, (that was in june i think) but then we where to a party where he ofc. He Got really drunk, the first he said that he is really comfortable with me and he likes our friendship, then later that Night we stardust holding hands and for the first time be more intim like that, and i thought wow! I have been to many partys with “friends” and they Can figure out not to touch me when we are at a party, and he is actuelly doing something. But then the holiday came and i did’nt heard from him so i tried to do something. So later that week he came by 10 a clock at Night and we spent time till 2 a clock!! As i thought this was getting more amazing in the middel of the holiday i startet feeling the opposide that he was stepping back, and i knew from the start that he was going to travel away for a long time here in september so i had to do something fast. But i tried to han out with him again to se if he made an effort, but he didd’nt and i thought he could remember what happend at the party because the time he said he stopped remembering was later than when that with us happend, i sort felt like i had to talk about that Night before he left, and i did. Where he told me he saw me like a friend and he didd’nt remember anything of that from that Night. And know hr as been in away in a month and its two monts since i told him and i still can’t stop thinking about him!!! I am fighting with a Lot of things right know, outside ind my life is greate, i have Nice friends, and a Lot of hoppies to fill my time out with, i am doing everything i love except i have too low metabolism and chronic hives and i am only 22!! I am so tired and frustrated about life, i would be so happy if i actuelly was Well enough to enjoy my life with everything thai is happening, but it is very difacult to get over a heartbreake when i am sick all the time… One of my biggest wishes is to get in touch with you, or you would reply (i know you never do) but i am very depressed at the time.. And i really Want this guy. He has the two compinations that is bieng Nice and sweet and f’**** anoying and funny, and he is 100% someone to trust. He is like, the shy guy, who has never really had a girlfriend.

  3. Musiclover says:

    Hey matt.. I am very in love with a friend of mine, who doesn’t see me that way. I mean, we became friends quickley have known him for Real in 4 months and It has been confusing all summer. First i kind of figures he wasn’t interested in me, so as you said i just laid back and mooved on as fast as possible, (that was in june i think) but then we where to a party where he ofc. He Got really drunk, the first he said that he is really comftible

  4. Emily says:

    Ack! No! They walked us right into a cliffhanger!! We need to know the rest…

  5. Ana says:

    Hi Matt, thanks for your insights.
    Quick question- maybe not so quick as complex situation- as my situation doesn’t m fall in the norm :( and I’m very confused. I have been using the techniques from your book, emails, videos ad he is still saying every occasion he can…”as a friend ….this and that” He got to point of saying I can’t imagine not ever being friends with you and he didn’t even want to kiss me let Alone have sex with me (still not happening-and no he is definitely not gay I have proved of that much), because he can’t be all I want!

    Problem is I want more, told him so but he as been alone for almost 10yrs, said he doesn’t want any relationship because he doesn’t want to be hurt again, cheated on and he doesn’t have enough time -and his blue print doesn’t include partner- and knows he can’t correspond to my, or any woman’s, expectations in regards to availability.

    On the other hand he is the sweetest,most caring, romantic, thoughtful, sincere, sexy man I have meet-he does do things that deserve me and maybe even deserve my love. When we are together time disappears. When we look at clock, it’s been 12 h that seem 2, with just talking and cuddling.

    Despite saying he doesn’t feel “the click” for me and so doesn’t want to lead me on as he knows I want more and he thinks I deserve that, he responds if I take initiative but he took initiative when I pulled back-as you said no point in pursuing someone that has not done anything for you- so I was going to stay away. More recently I know he is attracted to me ( both physical and psychologically), in beginning I was not sure to be honest, we have amazing time when we spend time together. He says stuff like ‘ why is it always so hard to leave’ or ‘ you are amazing’ and he does wear stuff he knows well provoke me or flirt with me, saying I’m healing him-but wouldn’t say of what, but still continues with can’t be more than friends. In summary there is a lot of fear in him about letting go-I see it and he told me so- but he also does and says things that make me think I can’t give up, but at same time gives me no hope but I know he likes me different now, just not sure how, he probably does either. I have now known him for 5 months. I want to run from him and move on but have been unable too.

    Shall I have hope? Can I have hope? Do I wait for him to continue to change-he has a lot as in beginning didn’t even think we would ever kiss? What can I do more?
    Any ideas welcome! And you may say he is playing me but I know from long standings friends he is being honest and if it was just sex he could have had that already, there is also no one else.
    Thanks a million.
    Xx

  6. Kendra says:

    I don’t think it’s surprising that Matt’s had his heart broken. I think it would be difficult to talk about relationships with such authority if he never had. ….but I do kind of wish we had gotten to hear the story… :)

  7. Macarena says:

    Hey Matt!

    Firstly I want to say that I love your videos. They already helped me a lot, not necesarily to get a man because I couldn’t test them in that area yet, but in self-confidence, feeling the ability to move on with my life and change what I was complaining about myself without waiting for it to change magically (now that sounds ridiculous… seems I needed your electric shock!).

    I wanted also to talk to you about a man problem. I’m 23 and I like a friend of mine. Which is already kind of difficult stuff to handle, because there is a friendship in between, but what happened is that I messed it all up… I hadn’t seen most of your videos back then, neither your shortcuts (bless them!) and I made all the stupid mistakes every girl does (yay).

    We went out for a drink and we spent the night talking to each other (even thou there were other people with us). We kissed. Then he drove me home and stayed for the night. I thought this meant something because I’m not the kind of one night stand woman and he knew that, I’m also his friend, so why risk a friendship for nothing?
    But apparently we do not agree on all these evidences hum…!

    I asked him what this all meant for him (…Yeah I know…).
    I had also all these hang-ups that were blinding me that I recognized myself in four of the six examples you gave in one of your shortcuts, so let’s say that I wasn’t really helping myself! (And I’m not going to start listing everything that I was doing wrong because it will take ages). I think I was sending the message “DON’T INVOLVE YOU WITH ME YOU FOOL! I’M A MESS! And so not special by the way!”
    (This happened a month ago)

    As you say in this video, I know you can get out of the friendzone, BUT: is it possible to change a man’s mind if he already said he wasn’t interested? Or is it a lost cause?
    And what to do if yes?

    Kind regards,

    Macarena.

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