Two ‘Power Positions’ Single People Need To Have

This is the eighth piece to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

It has been our experience that most people seeking a relationship aren’t really ready for one.

This week’s post details why that is, and the two key mindsets you must take on if you’re single. It’s an empowering message that will reground you with where you are, allow you to have more fun, and help you in building a foundation for an incredible relationship.

Enter Stephen


One of the best shortcuts for having good relationships is to choose well in the beginning.

Yet how easy it is to fall at that simple hurdle.

It’s easy to dive into romantic situations that are terrible for us. We pursue situations where we know we are mismatched – where our values are so wildly opposing that the relationship is set on a one-way train ride to a massive crash from the outset. Or he has completely different ideas about how he wants his dating life to be over the next five years. Or he carries on with obnoxious behaviours that you know you can’t put up with for more than a few months.

Even if doom isn’t always written in bold letters, we can see the signs early on.

Yet we ignore it. Because maybe the some of the time he’s amazing. Or because it’s just good to have someone to “cuddle” on a regular basis. Or it’s much more simple: it just beats being on our own.

So we ignore the signs. Paper over the cracks. Rather than stand up for ourselves and assert our standards, we quickly compromise, and hope that the niggling feeling of dread will dissolve if we distract ourselves for long enough.

So why do we get into relationships with the wrong people?

I believe a huge part of this is because we are just bad at being single. We don’t see being single as a desirable position.

One of the best ways to choose good relationships therefore is to be single from a position of power.

In the HBO show True Detective, (relax, no spoilers ahead) Matthew McConaughey’s character has just had a date with a woman and isn’t sure if he wants to pursue things further. When he’s asked by a friend why he doesn’t just dive into this new relationship regardless, he gives two reasons: Because he knows what he wants, and because he’s ok with being alone.

(Sidenote: If you watch the show, you’ll know that McConaughey’s character is no role model, and what’s quoted above probably covers the only healthy relationship advice to be extracted from a world in which all the characters seem to have, to say the least, ‘troubled’ relationships).

The two reasons above are the essential cards that enable you to choose relationships from a powerful position. Let’s look at both:

1. Knowing what you want

The best soundbite I know for choosing good relationships is the following: Be unselective about who you meet, but be very selective about who you invest emotion in.

Check out Matt’s latest video for more on this.

It’s great and crucial to meet as many people as possible when single. But when it comes to deciding who to invest time and emotion in, we should always be gradually investing and assessing the feedback we get.

Do they invest back in us? Are they enjoyable to be around for more than a day? Do they bring something unique to our life that no-one else does? Do they complain/criticize/bring negativity? Or do they encourage/inspire/try to add to our enjoyment of every day?

All of these things are important, and we forget them at our own peril.

We also need to be able to communicate what we want. If someone violates your deepest standards early on, be up front immediately. This is important because (a) sometimes a guy won’t even know he’s violating your standards, and (b) you’ll quickly find out how much effort he’s willing to make when he realises he has.

Most people hide from this kind of direct communication early on because they think it’s going to scare the person off. But it’s much quicker to be up front early about the things that matter – if they’re a big deal now, they’ll be a bigger deal later on.

Remember: Give him the chance to live up to your standards; and if he doesn’t take the opportunity, always have the power to walk away.

2. Being ok with being alone

I’d go one further than this. The people who do best at choosing healthy relationships know more than just how to merely exist alone: They know how to love being single.

They don’t see their single status as a virus that has to be immediately cured.

Yes, they love relationships. But they also realise that relationships don’t fix or solve other areas of their lives that need attending to.

People who do single well surround themselves with great friends and a social world that brings them actual pleasure (i.e. they don’t just make themselves busy for the sake of it), they have work and passions that make them internally fulfilled – their life has meaning independently of whether or not they have someone to share it with.

This is the only healthy position from which to come to a relationship.

Most people initially come to Matt’s seminars or read his book hoping that he’ll teach them how to be fulfilled by acquiring a relationship. And yet a brief scan of the Amazon reviews and countless testimonials over the years always tells a different story: After finishing the book or one of Matt’s programs, people always comment that they now love being single so much they stopped feeling the need to grab the nearest relationship.

In fact, they now feel like they have to be convinced to get into a relationship.

Modern culture tells us that we find the right relationship and then become fulfilled. It’s actually the opposite: when you become fulfilled by your life it is much easier to have the right relationship.

Does this seem like a lot of work? It actually saves time.

We can either spend 6 months in a ‘band-aid’ relationship designed to shield us from our other problems i.e. those mediocre relationships that inevitably crumble within a year. OR we can spend 6 months building an incredible foundation from which we can attract someone who meets our most important criteria.

The first path is merely a delay of future pain. The second is the foundation of future fulfillment.

What other ways do you fulfill yourself when you’re not in a relationship? Let me know in the comments below.

***

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Photo credit: Gee01

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55 Responses to Two ‘Power Positions’ Single People Need To Have

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  1. Shannon Hooper says:

    Oh my gosh, Stephen, no. I love your articles. You’re generally articulate, thoughtful, straightforward, vaguely amusing and prone to describing big, strong, sweaty guys rowing down rivers while shirtless with muscles straining and bodies glistening (or that’s how I imagine it anyway). But I completely disagree with you on this one. Happiness, like any other emotional state, is completely transitory.

    There will be moments in life that you love, that bring you joy, that make you happy. And then the real world will intrude and Murphy will pay you that inevitable visit and suddenly you’re desperately clinging to the belief that it has to get better than this at some point if you just hold on long enough and try hard enough. No one lives a life that they love — at least no one that I know, except those lucky bastards, the pathologically narcissistic.

    But then, I also don’t know anyone whose relationship I’d want or whose life I envy, so maybe I’ve just been super, duper unlucky when it comes to meeting people. I think you carve out a life that isn’t just one of “quiet desperation” and try to find people who have honor and integrity and make things more interesting and do your best to be a good friend/lover/mother/etc. to them.

    I think you might be slightly deranged. Probably in a good way, but just thought you should know.

    Best,
    Shannon

  2. Lucy says:

    I’m so pleased that I came across this article, as it’s the kick up the posterior that I’ve been needing. I’m in this type of relationship at the moment and have been wanting to end things for a few weeks now but haven’t had the heart to do it. I fell into a relationship with this guy even though I wasn’t all that keen on him initially and even though I care about him, I know that he’s not the right one for me. I had been single for aeons before I met him and hadn’t had that many relationships. I think that I just wanted to experience being in a relationship because I was tired of being single and he happened to come along and was interested. Reading your article has made me realise that there is no point in continuing to “paper over the cracks” and stay in a relationship who ultimately, isn’t a suitable match. In fact, it isn’t fair on either of us. Also, you’ve made me feel less afraid of ending things and going back to being single again. I’m not going to be a cowardly custard:) I’ll embrace my single state and concentrate on filling my time and life with all things which bring me joy and fulfillment. Thanks so much and all the best!

  3. Jess says:

    Stephen,

    Not only is your blog high calibre but so are your thoughts! I just got out of a nasty ‘almost-happen’ with a guy who I fell head over heels for, but (like your other article listed in point 2) – we spoke 2 different languages making communication a right nightmare! Because of that experience it’s confirmed the communication style of the partner I want!

    Fresh from that break up, I’m re-learning the joy of singleness and not rushing my heart to heal. I am ignoring the nagging within that worries about attending the right social events to meet men, when I need to remind myself that I am a highly extroverted warm personality who meets at least 2 new men a week! Also, something else I realised is that I tend to equate free-alone-time with social rejection, which is so so silly! I now see it as time for me to exercise, get creative (I am a poet/performer) or read all the books on my bucket list. I am a much more interesting conversationalist after I have invested quality time into feeding my brain. (I want a man who loves my mind and can keep up with my intellect ;).

    All that to say – I know a bit about what I want through trial and error. I definitely know what I DON’T want! And I am working on loving singleness! Sure fire method is getting all my love from God, family, besties. Felt so great to write all that out to you! Bless you x :)

  4. Darlene says:

    Steven,
    This is the most excellent article for me
    to read (in fact I intend to read it weekly)
    Thank you.

    Darlene

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  7. Darlene says:

    Stephen,

    Thank you for this very important message.
    It literally forced me to face the reality of
    my current situation. It was the dose I needed.
    I am very impressed with you Hussey brothers.
    Matt has made it possible for me to embrace
    being single & sometimes enjoy the process
    of choosing (yes, what a concept! Thank you, Matt)
    v. Being chosen. I attended his GTG Live
    April 12,2014 & really enjoyed it (btw I had a feeling
    that Jameson was the videographer!! & was
    delighted to discover I was correct with that
    Assumption!)
    Keep up the great work.
    With gratitude & love,
    Darlene

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  10. Grace says:

    Thanks for this article Steve. You (GTG Team)have performed a Jedi Mind Trick.
    Your attractive and straightforward delivery of your messages has helped me to take in information I didn’t believe from other Personal Development teachers. I am now re-visiting them and exploring as many sources as I can.
    I’m learning that in all areas of life, however you feel about them, whatever is or is not happening, its all about you. Full stop.
    You decide how you perceive things, you decide what matters, you decide how you want things to develop, you create the conditions and therefore the outcomes. And by keeping on creating/ inputting more of what we want into things, we get more of what we want out of them. If you are happy with whats inside and it is strong, whats outside cannnot seriously shake you and you need nothing external to validate you as whatever it is you want to be (though its really nice to get it).
    And we gradually embrace the fears – they just mean something is important and you become the better for facing them.
    Keep doing what you are doing.

  11. Alexandra says:

    Oh My God!! This article is amazing, Steve you are great! Part of my friends make me feel wrong about me being single right now, but I always knew deep inside- it’s better to be alone than in a wrong relationship! Especially because I had great relationships, which proves me I mustn’t settle for less then I deserve. I fulfill my life with studying acting&theater and play in shows. I attend yoga and salsa every week and I joined an ambassadors program of my country that is running in my university.

  12. Priya says:

    Wonderful piece, Stephen! One of the most important things which I have learned from Matthew, You and other life/relationship coaches is to enjoy and celebrate “myself” as a person! The realization that no one else can fix your issues and make you complete is a big one. Most people don’t know that. I didn’t know that! Today, I am happy and feel much more confident about my present and future than 3 years ago. It’s because I learned the importance of being comfortable with my own self. I still need to work on investing my emotions selectively but I am getting there, slowly. :) As far as fulfilling myself is concerned, I work on my overall personality. I started doing things I always wanted to do in my life but never got a chance to do it. I took swimming lessons, learned salsa dancing, learned to cook delicious food, currently doing my PhD, visited new places, made a lot of really good friends, grieved about my past issues and most importantly forgave myself for past mistakes and learned to smile. Life is good right now! :)

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      What a great message Priya. It’s true – once you handle the things in your own life and live in a way that excites you, it makes you so much more confident and able to choose healthy relationships that serve the life you’ve built. Thanks for your comment, Stephen x

  13. A says:

    Hi Stephen,

    Good post today. Point One: Why do we get into relationships with bad people? I’ll answer. I see the signs but I never think they are going to be *that* bad. Or I’m trying to accept their flaws, because those flaws aren’t necessarily dealbreakers. Other times some people don’t show their true, true selves for quite some time. It’s hard to date someone for weeks at a time and keep your emotions at a distance all that time. I mean I can, but then if they turn out to be a good guy I can’t switch my emotion back on then, just because they are.

    Second point and a good one! When I’m loving my single life, I’m loving it and want to be left alone. I don’t want a good guy coming along then messing with my vibe. And I’m not generally hanging out with men during those times. But even if I were, when I’m single like that, really, really enjoying myself (sewing classes, yoga, cooking classes) I don’t want to date anyone. And men get that.

    Cheers,

    A

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thanks so much A. I think on your first point: this is why it’s crucial to always communicate your standards as you go along. When someone violates them you tell them, and then see whether they are willing to change those behaviours. If they aren’t, then you know not to invest much further.

      On your second point – yes, loving the single life is great, but it doesn’t have to mean you will have no interest in men. It just means being open to something amazing when it comes along, instead of trying to shape someone into your version of amazing even when they’re not.

      Thanks, and take care. Stephen x

      • A says:

        I have standards, but he’s not always violating them. Maybe someone else’s standards but not mine. But then I think about it and wonder, well, maybe those should be my standards. My standards aren’t so hard and fast. Honesty might be a standard, but what if he streams videos without paying? Heck, I don’t care. But . . . then what if his version of some stories only shows his POV and not others? Easy to bounce an out-and-out liar . . . but it’s not always that clear cut.

        But maybe I should drop them at the streaming videos level. I’m thinking I might. Deleted one guy’s number last night on a feeling. I think I’m waiting too long for more ‘evidence’.

        Thanks again! You’ve really helped me and I greatly appreciate your responding here.

  14. Susan says:

    I really appreciate your blog and the tips to help all the trouble singles because I am one of them. I really need to embrace the single life as you’ve describe before even thinking about a relationship.

    The dilemma here is I’ve never been in one! It’ll be interesting when I do get into a healthy one…maybe it’ll be smooth sailing? No one know….

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thanks Susan. No relationships are smooth sailing all the way, but hopefully the tips here can make them easier ;) x

  15. Eve says:

    I left a reply to a post Stephen wrote a couple of weeks ago about making the first move on dating websites and how i did just that and have been seeing this guy for the past 6 months.

    What a difference a week or two makes. I find myself on the verge of breaking up with him and I read Stephen’s article realising that I need to believe again in being single and not fear it. I am one of those people who has a strong instinct and need to settle down and have a family and after about 10 years of being single, I really wanted this relationship to work. But I can’t hang on to it if it isn’t right.

    I take strength from Matt, the blog and all the ladies that reply. Thank you.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thank you so much Eve. Keep going, there’s a lot of fun to be had single! No need to fear it. Stephen x

  16. Jill says:

    I remember at one point in my life noticing my friends were always in relationships and I was not. I would often ask What’s wrong with me? As I’ve grown I’ve realized nothing’s wrong with me but something is wrong with them. You don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy or to add value to the world. I believe it helps you discover who you are as an individual :)

  17. A.M. says:

    “What other ways do you fulfill yourself when you’re not in a relationship?”

    This made me realized how much I’ve been doing since I’ve become single again. I’ve become very active in fitness and nutrition. Been taking Yoga, and will be going rock climbing for the first time soon. Any opportunity to become more well rounded athletically, and I’m on it. I guess I do feel okay being single. I’ve never felt that urgency to settle down, like a lot of people I know. But as comfortable as I am single, I’m just as uncomfortable in a relationship. I think I lose my nerve once I have a boyfriend. That’s been the struggle for me; staying strong and independent once there’s a guy in my life. Consequentially, I don’t know what I want from a guy, because what I’ve been getting hasn’t made me happy. I’m hesitant and worried about entering relationships, because I’m afraid of losing myself. But at least I know I’m okay when single :P

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      You need to keep that strong frame and sense of priority when you enter a relationship. Remember, a relationship isn’t a replacement for all the things that make you happy when you’re single. It’s meant to be another part of your life, not the whole of it. Thanks for commenting, Stephen x

  18. Susanne says:

    :) ♥ Peace to all singles on this planet ♥ :)

    With all my heart I thank You for inviting Stephen every Wednesday :)
    Whenever I read your blog ♥&♥ “Enter Stephen”
    I feel very excited & exellent :)
    ♥&♥ My heart wants to sing ♥ :)

    I agree :)

    ♥ First, love LOVE with all your heart
    ♥ If you love LOVE with all your heart
    you are free :)
    ♥ If you are free you can start LOVING + LIFE + A RELATIONSHIP WITH TRUE LOVE :)

    I believe:
    Only with true LOVE in our hearts we can start LOVING ♥&♥ LIFE ♥&♥ A RELATIONSHIP WITH TRUE LOVE :)

    ♥&♥ start doing what we truly LOVE :)

    What I do to fullfill myself :

    ♥ Love God :)
    ♥ Love LOVE :)

    ♥ Kiss & Hug everybody I ♥ (Family & true friends)
    ♥ Nature (animals & plants)
    ♥ Singing
    ♥ Composing music (Piano & organ)
    ♥ Sports(Running,tennis,swimming,Tai Chi)
    ♥ Reading books
    ♥ Voluntary work (Unicef & Caritas)
    ♥ Work at the market research which is so so so much fun because I get to translate hundreds of surveys on peoples’ happiness ♥&♥ German, English, French, Mandarin chinese, Cantonese, Japanese translations)

    ♥ Learning languages :)& mathematics :)
    ♥ Cooking :)

    & SINCE LAST YEAR:
    ♥Writing ♥here♥ !!! :)

    Thank youuuuuuuuuuuu Hussey brothers :)
    I ♥ your blog ♥&♥ videos :)
    ♥ to write ♥here♥ :)
    Hope you as well enjoy everything ♥here♥
    ♥&♥ on your GET THE GUY TOUR :)
    ♥&♥ everywhere on this planet :)

    I agree it’s the best to write what you honestly feel and I thank youuuuuuuuuuuuu so so so much for giving everybody the chance to do so: to write what is deep deep deep in our hearts :) That’s beautiful :)
    ♥&♥ it’s so wonderful you do it as well :)

    I ♥ this blog very much :)
    It’s wonderful to read
    ♥”Two powerful positions single people need to have”♥
    because it’s a very strong message to all singles on this planet :) I hope more and more and more singles read this blog :)

    I agree :)
    Love love & start a relationship with true LOVE in your heart: That is the answer :)

    ♥&♥ Another thing I do to fullfill myself:

    Before I started composing music:
    ♥ Writing love letters to God :)
    I ♥ to sit in coffee shops listening to romantic music
    ♥&♥ writing love letters to God :)

    Writing Love love love and feeling it so deep in my heart :)
    It’s amazing how one single word can make a human being so happy : ♥LOVE♥ :)

    I was so in LOVE with the word LOVE. So I wrote it as many times as I could :)
    ♥&♥ Saying “true LOVE yes that’s freedom” :)

    After I wrote this, I felt like one of the most happy human beings on this planet : Truly in LOVE & FREE :)
    Lovely unforgettable moments of my life : Moments of LOVE ♥&♥ LIFE ♥&♥ FREEDOM :)

    After writing love love love as many times as I could I felt there was a lot more my heart wanted to express :)
    ♥&♥ I discovered it when I composed music :)

    So I composed music in churches, hospital (there is a grand piano in the lobby :)♥&♥ on my Yamaha piano at home :)

    After so many years of writing and composing I got used to writing and composing so much, that sometimes when I talk I feel I want to sing :)

    I need to relearn some things :)
    I hope I can relearn everything that is good to relearn :)
    Especially how to speak English more fluently & using the phone :)

    I know we live in the year 2014 :)
    Not long ago somebody asked me to install the newest version of Whatsapp. Still I have not installed the newest version of Whatsapp :)
    If it’s a good program I hope I know how to install it soon :)I am looking forward to learning that ♥&♥ all kinds of new things that are good to learn in LIFE :)

    I cannot believe I have been writing & composing so much now :)
    I started with: Writing love letters to God in coffee shops and composing :)and now I am commenting ♥here♥ :
    I ♥ to write ♥here♥ :)
    Because writing & composing about LOVE is my life :)
    ♥ it with all my heart :)

    That is why I ♥ your blogs very much :)

    I agree as much as I can :)
    Love love & start a relationship with true LOVE in your heart: That is the answer :)

    ♥&♥
    Who loves LOVE is ready for LOVE & LIFE & a relationship :)
    ♥&♥
    True LOVE sets you free :)

    What an amazing Wednesday :)
    With lots and lots and lots of LOVE ♥&♥ FULLFILLMENT :)

    Enjoy all your GET THE GUY TOURS wonderful Hussey brothers :)

    The most beautiful hearts to the Hussey brothers ♥&♥ all singles on this planet :)

    Susanne

    Ps. Wow :) We singles have so many things we do to fullfill ourselves :) + Unforgettable lovely moments of FULLFILLMENT :)

    ♥&♥ If Mr or Mrs Right appears we’ll have unforgettable lovely moments of TRUE LOVE & FULLFILLMENT :)

    May God bless us with lots of LOVE :)
    that we have the best moments in our lives: When we are single or in a relationship :)

    • Susanne says:

      I feel so good after reading your blog & commenting :)
      You & your brother really know how to make people feel good ♥here♥
      ♥on youtube♥
      ♥I believe : everywhere on this planet ♥
      Thank youuuuuuuuuuu :)
      If only everybody knew of you ;)

      After reading ♥&♥ writing all this I see the beauty in being single: even more clearly than before :)

      Exellent :)
      I’ll keep on doing what fullfills me ♥&♥
      start learning and discovering new things :)
      ♥&♥ relearning things I knew in the past :)

      ♥&♥ I believe God knows Mr and Mrs Right :)

      What I know is:
      I’ll do everything that fullfill me now and
      if Mr Right appears I believe he’d be very happy to join me in all the adventure :)because he looooooooooooves it too :)

      After reading your blog
      I’m very optimistic about the future :)
      Looking forward to everything good in future :)

  19. Talitha says:

    My issue is that I’m happy being single. I’ve been happy single for a long time and have had no interest in changing that.

    Lots of people have been interested in me, but I’m too busy doing my own thing.

    The reason I started researching dating and found MH is because of ONE guy. The first and only guy I’ve wanted to make a part of my life. Unfortunately he is not interested.

    I’ve been trying to follow MH’s advice and meet lots of people. However this article makes me wonder if I should actually go back to just being single and happy and pretend ‘Mr Different’ never happened.

    • A says:

      That’s exactly what I mean. When I’m happy being single, I’m not interested in a relationship. Too busy doing my own thing. And my ‘things’ can take some time, too.

      I wish there was a way to be in both modes at once or be able to switch quickly between ‘happy being single’ and ‘open to a relationship’ but I think they are mutually exclusive, at least for me.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Resonated for me.

      –A

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      It’s great to be content living the single life. Just make sure you’re not attempting to be busy simply in order to avoid getting into a relationship with someone you’re attracted to. Also, there are many great guys out there, not just one! Keep taking risks and meeting new people. Thanks for commenting Talitha x

  20. Irene says:

    You nailed it!
    Thank you!
    Loved it!

  21. Beth says:

    Thanks for this article its great advice as always. I have no problem being single in fact I enjoy it I have great friends, and my life is full and busy so I am in no rush to get into a relationship just for the sake of getting into one. Life is good!

  22. Maya Morgan says:

    Thank you for making everything so clear and deep in so few words! :) YOu really went down to the bottom. You are absolutely right, people that settle for a relationship that don’t match what they really want&deserve end up loosing a lot of time they could have spend working on themselves, on their issues and to have a healthy relationship after.

    It’s really common to see people depending on their partner to feel fulfill. They get their identity out of their boyfriend and the day he leaves or it doesn’t work out they feel like they lost their purpose in life. I think we really need to get this more and more in our head that nothing external to us will give us long term happiness. We need to learn to feed ourselves with self-love and be okey standing on our feet alone. It’s like we are all stars in the sky, we shine by ourself and don’t need our partner to shine yet when both stars put together we shine brighter ;) Hihi I like looking at it like that!

    Love the way you write! Keep it going, you bring great perspectives :)

  23. D says:

    Thanks Stephen….very helpful insights in this article….the advice leads me to a greater understanding of being single… and being in a relationship.

  24. Randa says:

    “Better to be alone than in bad company”.

    Chapeau Stephen, although because I’m more of an unpair number person I’m adding a #3 to this great list. :P

    I have a third power position called “being the master of my own timeline” in other words, not rushing on the the classic “get a boyrfriend/ get married (or serious)/and build a family pattern (or even worrying about it).

    I’m turning 25 this friday (woohoohoo!! made it alive in this crazy world so far!!!) and many people of my sorroundings (family, pregnant or married girlfriends etc) are “reminding” me that “time is ticking” and that I should consider starting ‘a boyfriend spree’ “before it’s too late”… too late for what? (I ask)… I mean just because it’s the predetermined lifestyle that mass media, cultures and even our own families have been drilling our brains with all our lifetime doesn’t mean it’s THE lifestyle we all have to live.

    I hate watches and don’t posess any, I also think that aside from the TRUE predetemined timeline we’re assigned in this world: Birth and Death, I’d rather enjoy what I CAN control such as discovering myself, enjoying my runs, music, reads and ESPECIALLY quality time with my loved ones and meeting people that could become loved ones; rather than worrying about a checklist containing things that don’t even EXIST in my life.

    Once more great article!! My favourite one so far ^_^
    Keep Rocking anddddd hasta pronto!
    xxx
    R

    • Maya Morgan says:

      Happy to see that their are people that think like me :) YOu are absolutely right, keep that way of thinking. YOu are really not missing out on anything. And all those people that will try to drag us in the “typical way of doing” are just not seeing that their is totally an other way of living life. You still have so much time!!! What gain would it be to quickly find the first guy&family? None except regretting later not having lived what truly resonates in you. Anyways just wanted to tell you It seems like you have a great view on life and continue doing what feels right. Their is no “one right way” ;)

      hugs

      • Randa says:

        Thank you Maya! Your comment actually made my day ^^. I don’t know if I have “much time” as you say, I mean in the end none of us really know… but I sure am planning on making the most out of it ;)
        Kindest regards!! And thank you for the sweet words!
        xx

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thanks so much Randa. That’s lovely to hear. Love the idea of “being the master of my own timeline” and living to your own standard.

      Stephen x

  25. Leecis says:

    I was ok to be alone for awhile. Then I realized I was running out of time….made me desperate. I battle with this balance daily. I know now the work will be worth it. Thanks for acknowledging that it can be “hard work”.

    Ps hope your special person comes soon…you certainly deserve for “it” to happen.

  26. Lauren says:

    I rarely comment on any articles or videos ( I do, however, enjoy them all!) but this one really stands out and resonates so much with me on a deep level that I had to say something! All relationships that I’ve ever entered into have been with guys that I could definitely see warning signs with-but failed to take heed to any them or even consider how they might have an impact on a relationship. It was easier, in the beginning for me to overlook major things in hopes that they would they would fade or that we would somehow work through them. I thought maybe I could help these guys overcome certain issues they had because I saw potential in each of them and the ability for them to be a better man-not just for me, but for their own sake as well. I remember hearing this quote once ( I have no idea where it’s from) and it was ”it’s a lot easier for someone else to pull you down than it is for you to pull them up”- and it was referring to a person who was choosing to suffer with an array of problems, but that had no intention of addressing them. I spent years with certain guys I knew I had no business being with due to their issues and very different viewpoints (which I wasn’t trying to change those btw. I just thought they wouldn’t be a big deal if we loved each other. Wrong! lol.) and in the long run I allowed it take a toll on myself esteem and ultimately my happiness. It’s not worth it to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t mesh with well you and that doesn’t enrich your life and/or that has issues that are above and beyond what you can handle. They don’t have to be perfect of course- that’s unattainable, obviously, and I’m far from perfect. Thinking back I can remember barely liking anything about these men but hoped that I could grow to love them and that they could grow to love me all in good time and I tried very hard to force it but I couldn’t make it happen. Nothing good can ever come from forcing love to blossom when you see red flags. Now I can see that I was just being delusional lol.

    As far as being single goes, I actually enjoy being single more than I enjoy being in relationships- which is a little sad to me because I always expected it to be the other way around. :( Maybe that’s due to the fact that I’ve made such poor choices in the past lol. But, I don’t know for sure. I’m an only child and I’m quite satisfied with just my own company. Growing as a person, further developing my skills in my career and hobbies that I’m passionate and spending quality time with my friends is how I keep myself occupied and fulfilled while I’m single, though I tend to do those same things when I’m in relationships as well lol-I know that’s not the best answer to your question lol. Anyways…

    Fantastic, fantastic article Stephen!! :) Very insightful and helpful! Thank you for addressing these topics!

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      ”it’s a lot easier for someone else to pull you down than it is for you to pull them up” – Very wise.

      Lauren, thank you so much for everything you wrote here. It sounds like all of your experiences have taught you a lot about how to be happier single and to pick better relationships. I think you always have the ability to find and pick amazing relationships, no matter how much you are immersed in the single life. Both can be completely fulfilling in many ways. If you want that connection with someone though, be confident in seeking it out and don’t shy away from connection because of past experiences. Always be willing to give someone new a chance.

      I’m so glad this article resonated with you in such a meaningful way. It means a lot to get feedback from people who find it useful, so thank you sincerely for writing your thoughts here.

      All the best,

      Stephen x

  27. Carmen Mº says:

    Hi, Steve

    First of all, congratulations for your amazing article.

    I really feel like now, right now after reading it, I have the tools to get a great guy. It’s genually empowering and open-minding, not the typical “magic” solutions we are poorly sold, but real and workable material that I can actually use and practise.

    Thanks a lot and keep on with the great word!!

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      I’m really pleased you enjoyed it Carmen, thank you – glad it felt so practical – that’s something I strive to do with the content I write here. Stephen x

  28. Erica says:

    Great Article Steve,
    I’ve been working hard to try to do all that you mentioned in this article for the past two months. Its a great that you had to write about this which serves as a reminder to me to keep working on being happy being single. after realizing that I was about to settle for a relationship with a guy that wasn’t really worth it because he was violating one of my deepest standards; I decided to work on my self and explore what my values are and what I really want.

    One of the many ways I fulfill my self is doing the things I love, I love taking pictures and playing piano. so i’m taking a piano class for fun and its really great, I get to play pieces I love, and I go out for photography when the weather is jst right for an intriguing photo. all that makes me really happy and fulfilled and i’m loving life. ofcause there are times when I feel it’d be better sharing all this with someone, but oh well. as long as i’m happy. Thanks again for putting this up.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thanks Erica. It sounds like you have a strong foundation to build a great relationship from. If that’s something you want, it’s also important to prioritise getting out there, meeting new people and bringing a great social circle into your life. All are important for a great lifestyle. Thanks again, Stephen x

  29. Shaina says:

    I genuinely believe that this is the greatest article of content that has been shared on this site. Much growth has been catalyzed by many of Matthew’s avenues of council, but I feel that this subject is absolutely the root issue of it all, is absolutely true my own experience. I absolutely adore being single for SO many reasons! There are MANY ways I am fulfilled during the single times of my life- I love the freedom and boundlessness of a single life; the opportunity to travel the world and soak in the experiences and moments on my own time table. I love the overflow of emotional energy I am able to invest and direct into the lives of beloved family and friends across the globe. I am also able to be so focused in my personal endeavors and make huge progress towards goals and dreams. There is a strong sense of confidence and strength as a result of all of that :). Great article Stephen!

    • Lauren says:

      I couldn’t agree more Shaina!

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Wow, thank you so much Shaina. I LOVE your description of being single. If everyone could see it like that people would be so much less likely to rush into bad relationships. Wish you all the best, Stephen x

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