Flirting Isn’t Cutting Down Someone’s Ego

Stephen Hussey“I need someone who can take my banter”

This is the sort of line on a dating profile that makes me cringe. It’s often code for something like, “I like to make a lot of sarcastic comments that cut people down. Hope you’re game for it!”

Perhaps I’m over-sensitive, but I never enjoy dates where the principle form of conversation is poking fun, making constant jabs, and trying to puncture someone else’s ego. It’s boring and a turn-off.

It can also lose you a second date without you ever realising why.

Yes, the person next to you may grit their teeth and laugh it off when you make jokes at the expense of their career, or tease them about their hobbies and interests (“you’re such a dork!”), or scoff at their future plans. But they probably choose to invest in those things for a reason.

By being overly critical, jokingly or otherwise, about someone’s passions, you’re basically sub-communicating “I don’t respect how you spend your time”, or “I’ve got it figured out more than you do”.

I know, it sounds over-dramatic. I can hear the responses already:

Oh grow a pair! Give as good as you get! Stop taking yourself so seriously!

That’s fair.

But note, I’m not talking about the benign form of teasing, where you might joke about who has better taste in superhero movies, giggle when they struggle with spicy food, or say something in a clearly ridiculous way, e.g. ‘oh wow, you’re a red velvet cupcake guy/girl? I’m not sure this is going to work…’

I’m talking about the kind of ego-damaging dismissal of something close to your date’s heart. Their job. Their family and friends. Their passions. The art they spend their free time working on.

A good rule of thumb is: wait to see if they are ok joking about it first. If they mock themselves, it’s much easier to know what parts of themselves they don’t mind being made fun of.

This is where social awareness comes in.

The Words That Matter In Attraction

Another key with flirting is tone, even when joking about trivial topics.

E.g. Bad response: “Oh my god, you’ve never seen (insert film)? That’s so lame. How?”

Better answer: “Whoa. You’ve never seen (insert film)? Ok, it is gonna Change. Your. World. We’re watching it.”

These changes seem minor, but dating is always about how someone feels, and that can change enormously depending on language.

I don’t want to promote excessive ego-stroking as a form of courtship, but it’s important to remember that people do want validation.

Think about it.

If someone is sharing their latest entrepreneurial venture, their love of science fiction, their passion for playing bridge or chequers, their enjoyment of abstract photography, on some level they want to be told, “that’s interesting, tell me more.”

People make a lot of their choices subconsciously to impress the opposite sex. Hell, there are even jokes about how most of heterosexual male ambition is entirely motivated by covering oneself in glory to attract the attention of women.

So it pays to give someone at least some level of validation for what they spend their time doing. To show curiosity, instead of judgment. To let them take a moment to get excited and revel in what they love. If nothing else, it makes them feel, “here is someone I feel free to actually be myself around”. That’s a powerful feeling.

Don’t worry, there will be plenty of time to make fun of each other down the line, once you’ve built comfort.

Just make sure that in the name of “banter”, your rapier-like wit doesn’t swipe so hard it kills the attraction stone dead before it’s even gotten on its feet.

3 Ways to Make Sure He Meets Your Needs

I get SO many questions about standards in early-stage dating.

To answer some of these questions, this week I take a real woman’s story and give 3 practical techniques for solving it that I think you’re going to find really valuable.

Transform Your Life and Claim Your Happiness NOW.
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5 Texting Mistakes That Keep You Single (and What to Send Instead)

This is one of the coolest and most informative videos I’ve ever made about how to create and sustain attraction in early dating…

I talk about the 5 texting mistakes that kill attraction, and how to avoid them.

Can’t wait to hear what you think.

P.S. BIG announcement at the end of this video. Make sure you watch right till the end so you don’t miss it.

Get Off Your Phone and Into a REAL Relationship.
Get the Surprising Texts That Create Momentum…

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If Someone Is Telling You They Suck, Believe Them…

Stephen Hussey

When you date people, they tell you secrets.

They don’t even wait until after sex. You could be a few drinks in, and before the final gulp of an overpriced Mojito they’ll tell you, “you should know, I can get really jealous”, “I think I just get bored of people easily”, “I can be REALLY selfish”.

And the funny thing is: it’s always true.

Cue the Maya Angelou quote: “When people show you who they are, believe them.” But sometimes they don’t even have to show you. They’ll just outright say it.

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How to Know if You Should Keep Trying with Him

Have you ever wondered what the right amount of effort to put in with a guy is?

You may have heard me say, “Invest in those who invest in you.” But that could leave you wondering to yourself: “Doesn’t someone need to take the first step to invest something if anything is ever going to happen?”

It’s a valid point. I’ll show you exactly how to solve this at the end of the video, so make sure you watch it through…

Discover 7 Signs He’s Ready to Invest in You.
Tap Below for Your FREE Guide…

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Is He Ghosting, Haunting, or Zombieing You? (Halloween Edition)

Do you have a “ghost” in your love life?  Are you the victim of a “haunting”? Is there a “zombie,” back from the dating-dead, knocking at your door all of a sudden?

I made a Halloween-themed video about these – apparently new – dating phenomena. I tell you practically what you should do about each of them, and, most importantly, I simplify this whole convoluted, ridiculous mess…

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He Won’t Commit, But He Won’t Let You Go Either?

Are you seeing someone who won’t commit but who doesn’t let you move on either?

You’re about to hear a phone call between me and a young lady who had this issue and wanted to know what was going on in his mind.

She was adorable and funny, just like this animation we’ve put together telling her story. You also get to see me portrayed as a detective getting to the bottom of the case…

Is He Ready to Commit to You?
This Conversation Will Help You Know for Sure.
Tap Below for Your FREE Training…

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3 Secrets to Be Happily Single Until You Find the Right Guy

I’ll keep this short so you can go straight to watch this video.

It’s not just essential watching if you’re single right now…

It’s essential watching in the context of the year we’ve just had and how to navigate being single in it…

Learn the 3 Secrets to Get Excited About Love Again.
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Why You Get Attracted to the Wrong People

Do you ever find yourself getting attracted to people who are unavailable (emotionally or otherwise)? Treat you poorly? Or simply aren’t interested in you?

In this video, I explain two fundamental reasons why this keeps happening and give you a practical “mind trick” to change this…

Claim Your Spot on The Matthew Hussey Virtual Retreat.
Let’s Hit Reset on This Year, Together…

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7 Subtle Signs He Genuinely Likes You (Don’t Miss #7)

Does he really like you?

You may be asking yourself this question right now.

This video is going to help. I give you 7 surprising and unexpected signs that someone genuinely likes you…

Get the 5 Compliments That Build Deep Attraction.
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