Don’t Fall For An Ideal, Fall For A Person

The goal of a relationship shouldn’t be that the person we’re with lives up to being on the pedestal we’ve put them on. The goal should be a connection with who that person really is.

I know that when I first started doing videos on Youtube I was very over-the-top positive.

I had learned growing up that if you want to be an expert – especially in the world of self-help – you have to be happy all the time because that’s what influences people and shows you’re ‘perfect’.

‘Self-help = let’s all walk around smiling all the time’, I thought.

But that’s not what it is. And if you’re in the mindset, you’re missing the point.

People don’t have to be one way all of the time. Sometimes you’re not supposed to be at a peak level of happiness.

I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).

In our relationships we’re often looking for the ‘polished media version’ of someone.

We want our partners to live up to an idea we have of them (a fantasy we’ve created), instead of what they really are.

In doing this we end up enforcing all of our own personal rules, not allowing our partner the flexibility to express who they are authentically.

“You either want a relationship with the REAL ME, or you want a relationship with the idea of me.”

I see so many “gurus” begin to take themselves so seriously, losing their sense of humour.

I began changing my Youtube videos from over the top happy to the REAL me (sometimes funny, other times serious, occasionally earnest…). I did this because I didn’t want to be seen on some pedestal.

It doesn’t allow you to be human. You create a false perception of who you really are and I never want that to be the case.

I hope you can take the same stance with your relationships.

Stop trying to have a relationship with the IDEA of someone, and instead see them for who they really are.

When you allow yourself to do this, it’s far more interesting.

We get depth, diversity, and a whole range of emotions with someone.

My challenge to you (a challenge I’ll be taking up myself), is that when someone does something that doesn’t fit with your exact expectation of them, ask yourself whether you want a relationship with the idea of them or with the version of them that actually exists.

The latter will lead to a constant state of conflict any time they do something that goes against the way you think they should be.

Question of the day…

Have you ever felt people didn’t understand the full breadth of your personality? Tell me about it in the comments section below…

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

198 Responses to Don’t Fall For An Ideal, Fall For A Person

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  1. Andy says:

    I find it’s men who are too idealistic (immature)! The best and most recent line I heard was – “I think if you love someone you don’t have to work at the relationship!” Mind you, at 46 and never married, I could see why he’d think that. I am more than happy to have reality but I am alone in this I have found…so far.

  2. Sandi M says:

    Thank you again dear Matt

  3. Emelie says:

    That was deep, a really intruiging video. Thank you. And you should totally show us Jameson. Take care!

  4. Sara says:

    it took off my

    and

    damn you, computer formatting and IT !

  5. Sara says:

    I didn’t really watch the video… But I just wanted to say I think you’re awesome. (Gush. More groupie stuff. )

    Btw, why does all good music seem to come from the UK ? Is it something in the water / pond ?

    Just wondering.

  6. Rivka says:

    Jameson is a mysterious silent most important person in these videos.

  7. Pris says:

    It’s really difficult to be real especially when someone have a “image” to maintain.

    I’ve seen people who do things they do not want to do just because they want to appear “nice”.

    It took me quite a while to learn to say “No”. And being authentic is the best feeling in the world! :)

    But if a man don’t know how to open up to me, how am I going to fall in love with the real him??

    • Rivka says:

      As you get to know someone more and more, if he feels emotionally safe with you, then he will start revealing himself more and more.
      Then you can fall in love with the real him.
      It is not instant, this type of authenticity, getting to know eachother, and learning to love the real eachother happens only over time.

  8. Randa says:

    This world (especially with all this recent Social Media boom) is just full of unrealistic expectations that no one can live up to. We need to realise that not EVERYONE is gonna like us regardless of what we do, say or look like. It’s therefore OK for others to be angry or disappointed with us just as it is ok for US to be angry or disappointed for who cares what reason. The most amazing gift this life has given us is precisely this variety in our moods, physical appearances and thoughts.

    Reading this blog and seeing this video reminded me of a saying by my favourite philosopher Khalil Gibran when he speaks on Joy and Sorrow:

    “Some of you say, “Joy is greater thar sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
    But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
    Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”

    The moment we get rid of that fear of not being happy, or not pleasing someone, we will learn to embrace others just the same way we embrace ourselves and THAT is when true deep authentic realtionships will be forged :)

    Keep up the great work Matt, and thanks once more for all the inspiring work!
    xxx

    • Randa says:

      PS: Not even my MOTHER understands the full breadth of my personality, nor do I understand her’s (many times actually) still doesn’t mean we don’t deeply love each other ^_^

  9. anna says:

    too sexy in that color :P take care matt.

  10. Mandi says:

    You know what, Matt? I AM sad! Why? Because I firmly believe that Jameson is a figment of your imagination! We have no proof that Jameson exists. So until proven otherwise, I’m convinced Jameson is your imaginary friend that you save an empty seat at the dinner table for and occasionally spaz out should anyone try to sit on him.

    P.S Please take this comment literally. It’ll make my day. LOL

  11. Jill says:

    Ok so I finally watched this all the way through and now I’m CONFUSED. Didn’t you just say NOT to be yourself? Seriously, Matthew you’re killing me! I will just stand behind what I said earlier Be The Best Version of You and Let the Sexy Shine Through.
    Thanks for the heads up about the STD’s.

  12. Hayley says:

    I’m a naturally happy go lucky person, and it drives me bonkers when people focus so heavily on “why are you in such a bad mood?!” On those days when I’m just quiet… I know, not cracking jokes and chatting all the time… SHOCKING!! But give me a day to just be quiet without making a huge negative thing of it!!!

  13. Sarah says:

    Hey Matt! :)
    Just wanted to drop by and say that I’m very glad and happy and relieved that you are yourself! :)
    Love
    xx
    Sarah

  14. Ashleigh says:

    Thank u, for always bringing something great to the table. Being authentic is the only way to be you;)

    And another thanks because I’m applying what u share and teach, and really getting somewhere in all of this dating world. It’s so great when I’ve experienced something, and say to myself, “Ohh! This is what Matthew Hussey was talking about!”

    Light Bulbing;)

    -Ashleigh

  15. Bianca says:

    I remember meeting this married couple. And someone asked the guy: what do you don’t like that much about her? Is there a habit of her that makes you upset?
    And the guy answered: I love everything about her, even the so called bad things. I just love the way she is and it’s all I need. I don’t want a perfect wife, I just want her…
    I seriously just melted just by hearing those words :D

  16. random person says:

    What you said in this video is really the key to real happiness: letting go of the expectation of the ideal and appreciating what actually exists even if its slightly uncomfortable or not too pretty. It applies to so many areas of life, not just in romantic relationships. Took me a while to learn but I’m so glad you are sharing this with others.
    Skrew those zombie gurus who don’t know how to be genuine anymore.

  17. Nadine says:

    Is it me, or is your quiff taking on a life of its own?! It just keeps getting bigger!
    :-)

  18. Corina says:

    “I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).” Exactly!! This is what I keep saying!! This doesn’t just apply to how we view others but also ourselves. Sometimes when we reach a certain status or job title we feel like we need to chagr but then we forget that we got to where we are because of the way we used to be. We start becoming some boxed up and commercial we stop thinking outside the box and exploring, making discoveries, we lose inspiration and therefore can’t motivate others either. This was PERFECT!!!
    Aahh!!! Love your super cute smile at the end!!! You’re so adorable!! xoxo
    Love ,

  19. Santa says:

    We can’t change our personality but only our attitude towards particular things..so isn’t it better to fall in love with someone that we don’t want to change and like them for who they are?
    I would never expect my partner to be ideal but I do think that every relationship is a hard work. It’s never easy..thats why some people like to be single. Less resposibility. I wouldn’t want my bf to be moody with me just because he had a bad day at work…respect is important..
    Some people like my personality..and other people can’t understand me..you can’t please everyone..there will be someone that will still accuse me of doing something wrong…reality!!!

  20. Louise Hadfield says:

    Love this video, and it is so true. But here’s something else to think about. What about the people in this world who are so scared of losing YOUR approval that they present an ideal image of themselves that nowhere near fits their real persona? Obviously they cannot live up to that image for very long and a discerning person can see through it. How do you get through to them that it is the REAL persona that you love and not the phony image that they have presented of themselves?

  21. Sarah says:

    I like all your videos, but this one is my favorite thus far. :)

  22. Marie Henriksson says:

    Absolutely!
    I’m born in december. You know, the archer characters. I’m very flexibel, happy, cuorios of everything, always going for something, visionary – like seeing things ahead, and so on.
    But people want to put me in a box saying: you should be like this, you should do like this, and so on.
    Being me, you have to accept failure, that’s a part of life. But it doesn’t stop me, I will try to find a solution to it. But people say: Oh, god, now she failed again. Why don’t you just stay where you are!
    That’s very frustrating. It’s like people doesn’t accept the real me.
    What you see (today) is what I am (today)…I can do something else tomorrow! :-)

  23. Alison Kielty says:

    Love, love, love this video!

  24. Mina says:

    I applaud you for taking this stance, Matthew. Please do not become a zombie! For as much as I’d love to go all Shawn of the Dead on you, I’d rather have you on my team. We could go get Cornettos together after some zombie-hunting ;)

    Thank you for raising awareness on the STD problem at retirement homes =P

  25. kobbs says:

    I like the color palate in this video. Well done Jameson.

  26. Teams Glardon-Cooper says:

    Well made point. This is something I want to be aware of when considering a new relationship. Being the eternal optimist I am, I would expect the gentleman in the potential relationship to be aware of the tendency to see or fall for the ideal version of me as a potential pitfall. Which leads me to ask this how can any of us notice or be one aware of being idealized?

  27. Jill says:

    My kindness and playfulness is often misunderstood as wanting to GET with them but in reality I’m just very playful. I also have to watch how touchy I am, for me it’s just a way of communication but for others it’s very intimate.
    With all that said I feel it’s so important to remember that in life we aren’t always going to be INSANELY HAPPY and that’s ok that’s how it’s supposed to be. Just think if we are constantly happy how would we even know we are happy the key is to use the bad to get to the good. When you have a crap day ask, What is it I can learn from this? You may not learn anything except it sucks to have those days and then you remember, This bad day won’t last forever.
    Part of loving someone is being able to Love the good and the bad. I hate to break to ya but there’s no perfect person and even if there was how fun is that?

  28. Annie says:

    Oh my gosh, Matt. This is exactly what I needed to hear. People can really wear you out with their expectations. It’s absolutely emotionally and physically draining to be “up” all the time–to be “on” every second you’re with someone. Authenticity begins to feel wrong, and that should never happen. I just split up with a guy who I thought was great, but I came to realize that he’d fallen for an image he had of me–that I was this ultra cool rocker chick that knew everyone who was worth knowing, and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, okay. I have style, and I have some friends who do fun things, and I do fun things, but at heart, I’m just a country girl. The urban rock-n-roll girl is only a small sliver of my personality. One can’t be ALL night life ALL the time. Once this guy figured that out about me, he seemed to lose interest and I had to break it off. I find it sad that anyone WANTS to be with a one-dimensional person.

    • Jess says:

      wow! your post resonated with me. I also have a rocker style and my demeanor is more laid-back than the other girly-girl types in my area , because of that, guys have assumed that I’m a smooth- talker and a lot wilder than I actually am! LOl. When in reality, I am more reserved and it takes time to show that side of me. It confuses the hell out of them I guess.

  29. Paula says:

    I love how real you are! I have always appreciated that!

  30. Nisha says:

    I do but it’s ok as sometime I don’t understand them as well and sometime I don’t understand myself as well haha. I accept that part and that moment as I believe we are all on the process of learning. Sometime we being wierd to learn to be the better, no?

  31. Michelle says:

    This is why I love your videos. I’m always saying how real you are. It’s so easy to relate to. I’m definitely not one dimensional, so it’s always been important to me to show off the different aspects and sides of my personality. It’s so refreshing that you’re yourself and corky personality is why I’ve been watching your videos and went to your seminar and have your book! Thanks for always beening you!

  32. Kristen says:

    So, question. What I got from this is you should just let the little things that bother you about someone roll off your shoulders while you are getting to know them.
    Is that what you mean? Just do that until you realize you either love them or can’t stand them? give people more of a chance and don’t be so picky?

  33. Florina says:

    Love this :)

  34. Kami says:

    Btw, that color looks great on you! ;)

  35. Kami says:

    I loved it, Matt! Although I did like the over the top cheerful videos you made, mainly cause I felt your heart more. It really translated that you cared. A genuine sympathy for us women and an understanding.
    But I also appreciate honesty very much, so be you! Whoever you are… haha!

    I have often felt that people don’t know the full width of my personality. And I have three reasons for that; I’m shy so I’ve held myself back too much, especially in the past. I myself don’t know the full extent of my personality as it’s partly undiscovered and in continual growth. And lastly, you’d never show your entire personality to just one person (not even our partner) or you’d seam schitzo. Cause we people are so much! So much capability.

    Love/ Kami

  36. Lara says:

    Glad your staying you! It validates your point, what your saying works both ways as I spent my whole life trying to be the perfect person in my relationships. It didnt work I just became a nothing as I left no mark in their lives! Being you is what makes someone love you. Not your ideal of them or your ideal of you!
    I have a quote that helps me remember this after trying to be perfect for so long…
    I AM PERFECT IN MY INPERFECTION!
    Keep up the great work, I wish you had your stuff on cd then I could play your pep talks when I have a wobble… Your for life not just till you get a man!! ;-)
    Thankyou x

  37. Ina says:

    And as well as other women or girls commented, be who you are, because who you are is an amazing person.

  38. Ina says:

    I could not agree more with you on this matter. I do agree with you often, but this time just hit the nail. And at the end of your video you comment about the classy old people, I don’t get it but I take it as a part of your personality, and I like your personality, so I accept the things I am not so keen on as a full package. What I am trying to say is that I learnt how to accept people with their great features and not so great ones. If I like a person I respect their opinions or anything else I don’t like, because I respect the person and their right to be themselves whether it resonates with me or not. And as well people’s mistakes or things I don’t like show me that they have the balls to express themselves, to be true themselves and or strand their grounds. Amazing, thanks for your contribution to our development! And today I have also learnt that very often I WAS creating an image or ideal of the people I found attractive, hence the disappointment later.

  39. Mardem says:

    Dearest Matt,

    I watch your videos daily and this is one of the best you have done. You really hit home with wanting our partner to fit our ideals which sometimes can be too high and unreasonable. I am noticing that I am guilty of that, constantly judging every guy’s every move, or lack there of. I went out on a nice date but the guy didn’t walk me to my car and I blew him off for that because good manners is such a big deal for me. Another time, on a Thursday night, I texted a guy to see if he would like to go to a concert with me on Friday. He didn’t get back to me till much later the following day saying it he can make it. I texted him saying I’ll meet him at 7pm and when he didn’t show up, I texted him and he responded that he thought it was for Saturday. He called and texted a few times to apologize but I lost interest, not to mention pissed, so I blew him off.

    I am finding that I am cutting off guys too soon without getting the whole story because I immediately go into defense mode and think they are disrespecting me. I guess because I did let myself get disrespected constantly when I was much younger and don’t ever want to feel that again. But this video enlightened me in that I need to stop judging so early on and measuring every man to such a high ideal that is impossible to meet. Or at least give them another chance. Perhaps it was just an innocent oversight.

    BTW, I love the little dialogues you have with Jameson at the end of the videos. You are ridiculously Funny! I did hear that about STDs being rampant at retirement homes.

    I hope one of these days I get to meet you just to say thank you for your videos. I’m in awe that someone your age knows so much about dating and relationships and here I am at 41, continuously screwing up my love life! Hahaha!

    Best wishes!

    M

    • Rivka says:

      The confusing thing for guys about walking us to our cars and stuff, is that many women don’t expect and don’t even want men to do little things like that. And men aren’t taught to do them. It’s so hard for men to know whether they should hold the door open, for example, or whether they should carefully avoid doing that.

  40. Kathleen says:

    I fell for the idea of my EX and not for him as a person. I fell for the potential I saw and not for the cheating, using manipulating PRICK he truly is and was and always will be!!!

    in this moment I am angry, yet happy for I know now that the truth will most definitely set you free!!!

    As for people understanding the full breadth of my personality, no one has ever come close to truly understanding me, my kindness is taken for weakness, my love is taken for granted.
    My personality is like an onion so many layers, though cut into me without proper precautions and there will be tears

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5Z2sEXWn5I

  41. andie says:

    Dah dah dah daaaaa…very well said and props to you Matt and to all who don’t allow others to dictate how we are to behave at any given moment. Be who you are at all times…in joy, sadness, anger you name it. Otherwise you are being a fake. I believe in being true to yourself in every sense of the phrase. Thanks as always Matt…for being true to yourself…I take many pages from your book :) hehe

  42. Leecis says:

    Oh hell yes…to all of it…especially the stds in retirement homes lmao.

  43. Ann Sofie says:

    And that i was the the real deal and authentic :)

  44. Paula says:

    Thank you, thank you! Having spent the past year “studying” the mirage of dating/relationship coaches out there, I came full circle to what you spoke about today. Maybe it’s my age (I’m 60), but I am not attracted to any person who is inauthentic, pretentious or so self conscious you can’t see who they really are- so why should I try to be that? I thoroughly enjoy your posts and enjoyed seeing you i San Diego- you are delightful! Best to you and your continued success! Paula

  45. Ann Sofie says:

    Thank you for wanting authenticity!!! I look at the public world and see millions of people who want polished ideal and its so tiring. Even all around oneself you see the demand for polish: people brag about themselves and about their kids and so on. Sometimes it makes me really scared and sometimes it makes me want to scream.

    I also grew up learning that you had to be happy ALL the time. I try to learn my son, that he need to be him, not some idea.

    And for a long time, even for years back, people had this idea of me, and then when I did something they didnt expected they be shocked and I felt ucomfortable, because it had always been ME. Even today I can still sometimes suprise people, it can be fun, but sometimes it still makes me uncomfortable and a bit irritated.

    But through me life I have had more and more prople come up to me and told me they respected me so much because I want the real deal, true to myself and everytime I have been SO proud.

    Ann Sofie

  46. Rivka says:

    Great video, Matt!

    • Rivka says:

      Your videos DID become exponentially better after you started revealing your real self, your real self experiencing different emotions. You became more of a real person, more complex and less two-demensional.

  47. Kristi says:

    Love the vid as it coincides with a conversation my sister and I just had when we were out to lunch yesterday. When growing up (the teenage years) we didn’t see eye to eye and argued a lot. What we didn’t do was connect to one another and allow each other to BE who we were regardless of strengths and weaknesses. We are great friends now and I must say even though she is younger than me she is my greatest teacher at this time in my life. (Your coaching helps too-lol)
    On a similar note, I work with children and one of the questions I am constantly asked is are the children going to learn ABC’s/123’s etc. I let the parents know that our main focus in preschool is learning through play ‘where all cognitive concepts are’ but more importantly teaching them life skills that will carry on through the school years and beyond. I mention that we all have strengths and weaknesses as humans and our goal in preschool is to celebrate their strengths and to meet them ‘where they are at’ in their areas for growth and support and encourage them along the way. I think any great relationship requires these components and understandings. To be human is to be imperfect and to expect anything else from ourselves only sets us up for personal and relationship failure.
    Goodness knows I don’t want to be the alternative; a emotionless robot that is numb to the wonderful and sometimes painful experiences that go along with life.
    Thanks for the reminder that falling off of pedestals is not only painful but inevitable,
    Kristi
    PS-waiting for a retreat response.

  48. Selina says:

    Hey Matt,
    I always was so inspired after watching your videos ( I was so emotional), but since I shared your name as a coach to really help someone, it`s not quiet the same. It`s like I had this powerful advice in a way for myself which gave me power and now the glitter is gone. I don`know. Could have other reasons. I never really (until once) gone for your advice. I am pretty much a waiter but I have so much to do for myself. I have this addiction too which puts me back again and again and I am tired of failing myself. I get depressed. It is hard and it`s hard to know you really want to get over your addiction but in the other hand you`re scared you will fail again. Look you are helping me cause you are standing for a lot I want for myself. You are absolutely great. I am alway agreeing with your advice and I have to tell when it`s one about life and behaving I know a lot by myself but I never do it. That`s my problem. I am not going for my life and my addiction is watching TV- so don`t worry. Maybe this comment will help me understanding. Any nice words?

  49. Victoria says:

    This is so true…Matt, you are amazing :)

  50. Rose says:

    I whole heartedly agree with this because I think I am one of those people that constantly falls into this trap. When I see enough positive attributes, I begin to ignore the red flags and the reality of a person because they are 80% who I want them to be and I begin trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I now try very hard to accept my feelings- whatever they maybe, yet try to stay present with what a person is actually doing and the reality of who they are or are not. However my feelings usually get the better of me anyway…. Do you have any advice or practical strategies to kind of keep yourself in check in these situations? I’m talking about the very early stages of dating and getting to know someone and not getting carried away with an ideal just because they have ticked a few boxes. I agree with everything you said in this video- but HOW does one actually do that, because it’s easier said than done. Especially when you really want to meet someone…

    • Stephanie says:

      Matt I wanted to follow on from what Rosie commented earlier. It’s very easy to get lost into ideals in the early stages of dating. I miss the red flags because I really want to meet someone special so I only end up seeing their good points (some of which are exaggerated in my head) and end up disappointed or confused when they do a disappearing act!

  51. Kooky says:

    thank you hero for another amazing video.
    so the lesson for today is

    every person = Diversity of earth

    what I mean is every person is like the Diversity of earth ( which is beautiful ). sometimes we are dry like desert ,sometimes we are cold like ice ,sometimes we are angry like volcano , sometimes we are happy like rainbow ……etc .so that what make us human ( Diversity ).

    do you remember why i called you HERO .it’s because what i felt ,saw and believin you . that’s why i said this

    The real hero is not what we see in the movies. the real hero who faces his self and knows the disadvantages and advantages that he has. The real hero who doesn’t hide but expresses moments of strengths and weaknesses. And always who tries to become not only the best but extends his hands in order to help everyone in life.

    THANK YOU HERO.

  52. amanda says:

    You couldn’t have said it better. I actually enjoy your newer stuff even more because it is you and it is raw and candid. Sometimes I LOVE hearing you say a cuss word because your British accent sounds so perfect and proper and it reminds me that no one is always proper and perfect! My friend and I have your book and your Keep The Guy movies. You Matthew are helping transorm my life!! I can not thank you enough. Keep doing what you do. Be true to yourself. You are making so many people in this world happy and helping grow and spread love universally now. Who cares if you get some stupid people commenting negatively sometimes? You are an amazing wonderful person and you have no idea how many lives and hearts youve touched. I appreciate you!

  53. Elaine says:

    You’ve hit the nail on the head there Matt. You can’t be at your peak all of the time, it’s just not human. I’ve just got to the other side of realising that a guy I was infatuated with for ages, was not who I thought he was. I’ll take full credit for bigging him up to be someone I hoped he would be. However, he will tell you exactly the same about me. I work in customer service and he’s only seen me at work so thought I was constantly happy, helpful and smiley. He really hasn’t taken into account that there was more to it. Likewise, little things cropped up which I just never thought he would do. We’re unfortunately not even really speaking now, it’s a shame as when we were mates, things were good. I’m hoping time will get us chatting again, even if it’s small talk. In the meantime…I’m off creating!
    Matt, Really enjoying an authentic perspective on self help. (I like to call it personal development).
    Thanks!

  54. Alyssa says:

    Well….. I love you, Matt.

    You’re the shit!

    You’ll find her. You’ve got lots to choose from….I’m sure.

    Stay genuine!

    -Alyssa

  55. Giu says:

    Hey Matt!
    I totally agree!!! But isn’t idealization the first stage into falling in love? Then comes the rough part and that’s accepting the person the way they are and loving them anyway…

    I’ve been through that stage. The first time I couldn’t get past it, and realized that guy was nothing like I expected him to be, and backed off. The second time, the guy couldn’t get past it, but I did and I loved his imperfection…

    I think it’s also about not having preconcepts and no expectations at first, so this other person can surprise yo, and you feel no pressure to be a certain way, just be you. If there’s something I’ve learnt over this past years is that guys aren’t always predictable, and while to us, girls, some things are obvious, guys wouldn’t even notice them, so they need more talking about some things sometimes…

    Have a great week!

    • Rivka says:

      You’re right that idealizing IS often present at the first stage of falling in love. But as your comment demonstrates, it is a problem when we are never able to move past that, if we are never able to pass over into accepting the person as they really are.

  56. Jo says:

    Hey Matt

    Great video and some really good and valid points.

    What I want to know is how do we actually get to the point of being able to show someone who we really are? (maybe something for a future blog?).

    The bit about the old people in retirement homes at the end made me chortle.

    I love my Sunday moments with you :)

    Jo x

    • Giu says:

      Hi Jo!

      I think it has to do with relaxing, and trying not to pressure yourself. In the end, if the guy can’t accept the real you, you can find another who does.

      Have a beautiful Sunday!!

      • Jo says:

        Hi Giu

        It isn’t a case of him not accepting the real me and more about me not being able to present the real me.

        Jo

  57. Zuzana says:

    Hi Matt

    I must say you cannot be more right about this. Is it a fact that people fall for the idea of the person rather than for the actual person. Hence so many disappointments and heartbreak. Keep up the good work!

  58. kerri says:

    I have a hard time letting myself be jubilant and enthusiastic and playful. When I genuinely felt like that and let it show as a child, the response from my family was that I was being ridiculous, childish, and out-of-line.

    And now, when I occasionally let this part of me show around men, they invariably move towards me and start sharing their hopes and dreams and inner selves. This makes me uncomfortable. (Ha! And I say I wonder why I’m single…;)

    First and foremost, I need my OWN permission to be silly, loving, and passionate. “Proper” be damned.

  59. Carmen says:

    Thx,Matt I really enjoyed this video. Your on point with this one. I have to be honest one I saw your first videos on “Youtube” I was like this person can not be happy and perfect all the time. But your true essence and candid behavior has come out on the videos and also on NBC( Hoda and Kathylee). There’s a realness that makes me want to hear more of what your saying.Keep inspiring us!

  60. Jill says:

    Thank you Matt, I really enjoyed this post because this exact thought has been in my mind lately… The idea of connecting with someone for who they are instead of exerting our ideals onto them… All while maintaining standards of how to be treated in a relationship. We can come into a relationship with expectations and standards but often a partner does things differently…. Shows love differently, communicates differently and has different needs from our own. And this is actually exciting when I think about it… Being with a partner means being curious and exploring a new way of living and experiencing life together.

    These thoughts were sparked for me after listening to Scarlett Johnannson in an interview for Don Jon. She said, “As women we expect certain things out of a man, like to take care of his business and to be responsible but some of these other ideals, they don’t really leave room for the humanity of relationships and the complications if being in a relationship… And the fact that relationships are complicated and people are complicated… And I think when we are so dogmatic with our ideas of what we’re meant to have in a partner, we really miss out on the opportunity to grow with somebody “.

    At the end of the day, I am learning that standards reflect a deeper sense of how someone treats, respects and prioritizes you but on a different level, allowing your partner to be who they are and respect that, is vital.

    Thanks for another great topic :)

    Xx

  61. RR says:

    i think even after spending a lifetime together, people don’t gauge the breadth of their spouse’s intellect or personality or whatever we call it. we have a pre-conceived image of what things should be like & any deviation from it is a pain in the a**.
    as i see it, essentially no-one else can truly appreciate the other human being as a whole, with their flaws & all, because at the worst of times, each of us is alone. no matter how many friends or well-wishers we have, we break into pieces & are left hurting in utter isolation. unless someone knows what i have been through, they can never truly or completely understand me. and then people say “u’ve changed”!

  62. Rumors says:

    Yes, sometimes people don’t understand the full breadth of my personality. It´s like that because I´m a weird person but I like that. When you have a lot of facets of yourself it´s easy to people to be fool about who you are. That´s why I love Meredith Brooks song named “Bitch”.

  63. Holly Klein says:

    Matt,

    There is a reason I wake up on Sunday and look for the Sunday club email, and it has nothing to do with the power of your speaking, sexy accent, or crazy good looks. I can see people who are attractive or appealing on TV, but they don’t have an impact on my life. That is why I keep logging in, your version of self-help is the kind I can connect with. I really think that’s because you are personable, more like a friend that wants to help.

    Short story made not so short…. Keep showing your colleagues how it’s done!

    Well done you!

    Holly

  64. Plamena says:

    Gosh you are amazing! :)

  65. Ruth says:

    great blog and very valid point. Happiness is not a place but moments in our lives to be enjoyed when they come along!

  66. lynn says:

    I think your video on old people is hysterical – shows a great sense of humor you have – you are fantastic – love every video you do – you are very real!!!!!

  67. Lis says:

    Yes, basically I had no idea I was hiding aspects of my personality yet was surprised they weren’t recognised

  68. Amber says:

    If a guy perfectly personified my standards 100% of the time I”d be terrified of him and never start a relationship. I would feel as though he also had a perfect standard for me that I could never live up to. I don’t want it, so why would I do that to him or anyone else? (“Anyone else” includes you as well, Matthew)

    I still have standards, but I also want to give everyone freedom for natural reactions to weak moments (or weak…weeks…).

    Has anyone not understood the breadth of my personality? The honest answer: most people don’t understand the breadth of my personality.

    I should clarify. The people who I truly love and respect do understand me, or if they don’t at the moment are aware of what to do or ask to figure out what’s going on.

    There is this group of people I have pushed to my outer circle because they assume they know me by my stock label as the weird nerd and never bother to ask questions about why I do things or why I enjoy certain activities or find out I like things that are “normal” by their standards. I find their presence stifling, since being the way I want to be around them results in being shot down. So being myself around them means I have to clam up or else I get frustrated and annoyed. So I also heap “quiet” onto their set of labels because I do so for defense.

    Needless to say, I don’t go to their parties to look for new connections. Can’t open up around them, so I don’t get to shine.

    It’s okay Matthew. “Be yourself,” as they say. Yes, I do know how you feel about that phrase. Yes, I am smirking as I type this.

  69. Rain says:

    A lot of people are commenting that they feel they get idealized. I feel the very opposite, people take me to be less than I am. This can be very hard… I am very much myself all the time, very emotional, humorous and silly but at the same time always with a darker layer showing too, I think. I complain and swear and overreact… And I don’t do that much to curb those habits, even though I’m asked by my significant other and sometimes friends…I always take this attitude like “screw you guys, I’m great and you should like me for me.” But yeah, I guess my point is sometimes I feel like I become perceived wrongly. One night at a bar, after she met my boyfriend, one of my (somewhat drunken) girlfriends said to me something like: “he’s so perfect for you, because like, you’re so broken and he’s really put together, I think he can help you.”
    Well yeah, he is really “put together” and certainly very emotionally stable and calm in character, but he’s a man. And I’m a woman- and what resonated with me was that she thinks I’m “broken” … I don’t really see myself as broken. I see myself as a very strong person who has overcome some pretty bad hands in life, and overcome them well.
    I think this might happen a lot. People look at my situation, my demeanor, and maybe my attitude and think “that girl is kind of fucked up.” I’m not at all. Maybe I’ve idealized myself and they’re right and I’m wrong? I don’t know, but I think I’m a very affectionate, caring, empathetic person who deserves a better reputation than “broken”

    • Faith says:

      Hi Rain,

      This is a struggle I have as well. Going against my label as it were. Actually I have no idea what my label is to most people and one of the reasons was that I didnt care what they thought about me anyway. Because what was I going to do? Change for them! Uh, no. However when I did get some descriptors “nerd”, “dramatic” “intense” I began a journey to crystalize myself for myself. I wanted to authentically project who I was so that when someone did throw a descriptor out it would be: classy, fun, cool…. yeah that is me and it always was. Just rev up yourself and don’t sensor yourself. Be so open you impress yourself with your inner cool. Be yourself exponentially! For sure non of us is “put together” in 100% of the areas that make up us. That is why we are US!

      Peace.

  70. tinka says:

    Matthew Hussey, you are so smart

  71. Lynn says:

    Well, I will beg to differ. Happy, positive people get a lot of undeserved criticism. I say “hooray for Norman Vincent Peale, et al.” In my own life, I have my paternal grandparents as an example. My grandfather never said a swearword in his life. My Dad remembers a time when my grandfather was hammering a nail into a board and the hammer slipped and he whacked his own thumb. Even then – that was the closest my Dad ever saw his father come to saying a swearword, but he didn’t. He was really, really strong with self-control. Growing up, I heard stories of abusive relationships on my mother’s side of the family (her grandmother, and her aunt), I’m really glad she married into my Dad’s family. Even if they weren’t the most emotive, affectionate people, I always knew they loved us. They were really, truly peaceful people, and they NEVER allowed themselves to lose control and become angry or vindictive. Lots of happy, lifelong marriages on that side of the family. I miss my grandparents! :'(

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hey Lynn,

      It’s not that someone has to be angry, vindictive etc. If that is the way your grandparents truly were then that’s beautiful! Your Grandad’s way of reacting to a situation may be different than someone else’s, and what I’m trying to get at is that it’s acceptable for that to be the case. Each person is dynamic and will have their peaks and troughs, of which they will act in which ever manner is best suited to their personality. The trouble arises when someone extends their idealistic view on another and then they fall short of an unreal or unwarranted expectation that’s been cast on them. It’s about learning who someone is at their core, not just the image we want to see ideally.
      Very lovely story though, thanks so much for sharing : )
      Take care!

      Matt x

  72. Lena Hildenbrand says:

    Dear Matthew,
    I’ve been watching your videos for about 3 years now and to be honest I’ve never ever commented on one of them. Because I liked them, but only liked them. This one is different. It made me smile because it’s such a good example of what you’re saying in the video. The first time in 3 years I feel like the great Matthew Hussey is exactly the person I thought he is: sometimes the idea of a person is right but only feels right if they are authentic. Now isn’t that great?
    Your messages reach Switzerland x

  73. Nathalie says:

    Thank you Matt!

    Big hug :)

  74. Lorraine says:

    Thank you for the depth and realness of your video. It helped me connect to a time when I was in a group that espoused ruled for listening and respect. In that group people disclosed very raw parts of themselves. To this day those people (men and women) who risked sharing themselves are still held with esteem, beauty and love in my heart. Thank you again for helping reminding me of true connection..

  75. Paige says:

    I’m glad you brought this topic up. Lately I’ve been on the other end of the stick. I guess I come off as this perfect ideal person; this causes a lot of people to “fall in love” with the ideal version of myself. From the perspective of the idealized person I hate it. I’d love for people take some time and actually get to know me before deciding I’m wonderful. I don’t spend my time with people who put me on a pedastool. So if anyone reads these comments please use Matt’s advice everyday and enjoy the people around you not the manicured picture. Have a great week everyone

  76. Verónica says:

    Rather than people not understanding the full breadth of my personality I’ve met someone who thought their full breath of their pesonality wasn’t worth being taken for what it is and loved the way he is. We all have our dark moments, some more than others, but there are people who really boycott themselves by holding tight onto the aspects of their persona that they think they should improve because they live up to an ideal they think the other person is looking for. It’s great willing to improve some aspects of your personality and always try to be a better version of yourself but that doesn’t mean you can’t be loved during that process which in the end is called life.

    I doubt myself often when I like someone, I am afraid of scaring them off or be taken as too idealistic when I express my beliefs on life or even too picky but I think it’s just a matter of time if they are willing to know me well.

  77. Helle says:

    Hi Matt,
    It’s been a long time since my last confession:)
    I ride the wave of authenticity as much as I can but sometimes I too wear a mask.
    I was really fortunate to run into a guy with a phd in psychology whom could sense my mask and he confronted me with it. It was brutal but very cleansing.
    He showed me that though I have come a long way I still have work to do in living from my hart and not the brain. So I’m only to turn on my cerebral CPU when necessary to solve problems and leave the decision making up to my hart and show my hart to the world.

    Sending you some love :)

    Helle xx

  78. M. says:

    Hi Matthew.
    (I have just whatched your video directly on Youtube.)

    Well… you made me blush. – and to tell you the truth is very rare for me ;)-

    Why?
    Because in this video, more than in any videos before, you make a girl really feel you are a MEN -in the real and whole sense of this word –

    And, by the way, this dark RED is definitely your colour.

    Thank you.

    M.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Haha thank you so much M, now you’ve made me blush!

      Matt x

      • Rivka says:

        Maybe that’s evidence that if a guy wants to be masculine he shouldn’t attempt to put on a masculine persona. He should just be himself and his true masculinity will come through.

  79. A. says:

    I made a new friend recently and she told me how kind and gentle I seem. And generous. I think that’s the first impression people get. And I am usually that happy, nice person because I like meeting folks. But later on when I relax around a person, I’ve got more of an edge and am definitely more intense than I first let on. Not sure what to do. If they see the edgy side of me first, some people will not stick around later to see my softer side. With men they like the edgy, sexy side, but again don’t always want to see vulnerability even well beyond the initial several meeting.

    Both sides are really me and it’s really difficult for me to show multiple facets of myself all in one a few meetings. I go with how I feel in the moment. It’s hard to be happy and playful if I’m not truly feeling that way and vice versa. I’m not sure if people outside your own head can ever really get the full breadth of who you are. It’s an interesting question. Matt, do you feel your close friends and family get the full breadth of who you are?

  80. Iris says:

    Yoehoooo!

    Well said Matt,
    Spread the word.
    Stop living up to the fake image created by society of being happy, positive and energetic, in control and on top of the world all of the time.
    And most important don’t ever let anybody see that behind all that there is a BIG LOOSER hidden in all of us.

    Ok, I agree in some situations it’s a very handy skill that makes interactions easier and I wish I was better at it.

    It’s easy for me to say, I’m at the other end of the scale. I’m autistic and that comes with an incapability of being fake. Very annoying sometimes for everybody involved and it takes a lot of effort to deal with authenticity.

    People always say to me ‘you’re so authentic’, which for me means; ‘you’re weird and don’t behave like everybody else.’

    But on the positive side. My relationships with people are never ever fake.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Thank you Iris!! : )

      Matt x

    • Rivka says:

      Same here, Iris. Like you, I’m AS, and almost incapable of inauthenticity. However, although I am genuine, other people have trouble understanding me. I feel like they just don’t know what to make of me. Luckily, my male best friend is also AS, and we understand each other very very well.

  81. Yaro says:

    Great video matt thank you for sharing :)

  82. John says:

    Great post Matt, I often fail at the first hurdle on relationships because I’m too keen too quickly. So often I’ll say something that scares the girl off before she has had a chance to get to know the real me. But if I try very hard not tu o escalate too quickly, then I get stuck in the friend zone trap.. It’s so frustrating!!

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      It’s a tricky line John! The most pivotal point between two people is when one decides they like the other, all the sudden we act a muck! Key is to stay focused on who you are at your core and also be conscious of the language you use. Instead of telling a girl she looks nice in something, say she looks ‘beautiful’, ‘stunning’, ‘ravishing’ even. You want to make your intent (ie. that you don’t see her as just a friend) without getting too intense right off the bat.

      Cheers,
      Matt

  83. Angela K says:

    Hi Matthew,

    I have always tried to be perfect and wanting people to like me, and I still do though I’m trying to be a little more ‘relaxed’. I do say what I think however, but always politely,
    but since seeing your video today, I’m going to totally allow myself to show another part of my character that I actually quite like and that you may not see again for a while…………………..

    Matt, you are fricking awesome, I love your work, your coaching, your coaches and I’m going to be sticking around for some time, following your posts, work etc if you don’t like that, then tough shit, I’m here to stay cos I love ya !!!!

    Now back to behaving myself :O)

    Angela K

  84. Nikki says:

    Hello and thank you Matt,

    You bring a unique perspective to this concept of an “ideal mate”. Some may say you contradict yourself because, on one hand, you say to never settle for less than you want or you deserve. For many men and women, they may confuse “not settling” with searching for the ideal mate.

    Those of us who have been in one or two long-term relationships know that, after giving oneself time to be alone and re-center ourselves, that there are many different versions of the ideal. Through personal growth and sequential rediscovery of self, it is those less-than-ideal mates that cause us to grow into the most ideal versions of ourselves. I can truly thank all of my past loves for bringing me further enlightenment on what it means to “be me” and greater tolerance for appreciating the non-ideal in others.

    Thank you so much for your candor, your passion and your grounded approach to helping people in all matters. I find myself ready to discover love again and look forward to hearing and seeing more of your wonderful contributions.

    Warm regards,
    Nikki

  85. Judy says:

    Hey Matt,

    I agree with everything you said in this video. It is true people don’t understand the full breadth of my personality. 90% of the time I am easy going, quiet, positive, happy. But just this past Friday there was a situation at work that had my blood boiling. It was a culmination of events that lead me to swear and continuously take deep breaths (you would have thought that I was going into labor or something! Ha!) Anyway, the boss looked surprised and I continued to tell him why I was upset. I think being authentic allows for true connections and it pains me to see people walking around acting a certain way because they think that is the way they are perceived in these people’s minds. I was horrified when my co-worker told me she is teaching her daughter to wear a mask in order to survive in the world. Be yourself. It may be cliche, but truer words were never spoken.

    Cheers,
    Judy

  86. Dash Finn says:

    Okay, a guy here commenting on this. I think Matt here raises an extremely crucial thought about dating: not to hunt for ideals. I’d say that majority of people fall into this trap. Ideals are sold to us by almost everyone in our life: family, friends, media, and so on.

    Just check the internet for endless list posts of what your ideal should be, like “10 Traits The Perfect Man” or “5 Things To Prove That He’s Worth It”. Of course there are similar list of ideal women for men. The problem is that you can’t go out to real world with these lists. You’ll end up being extremely disappointed because someone didn’t meet your ideal, thus making you suffer and feel pain in relationships.

    The problem with ideals created by others is that once we achieve those ideals, there’s a high chance that we still don’t feel fulfilled. That is because we try to achieve the ideal out of a need to get approval and validation from others, and we end up living someone else’s dreams and ideals true.

    Here a challenge that I put out for myself: mindfulness in a relationship. It means to experience the relationship as it is, without comparing it to relationships of others’, without expectations, without ideals and without judging. It means to live the relationship in the moment and to be fully present.

    As a guy, I too struggle with ideals very often. Dropping ideas and ideals in a relationship means that you truly get to see all feelings raw like they are: confusion, fear, empathy, longing, connection, joy, gratitude, and so on.

    But for now, I’m dating a wonderful and beautiful girl, who is wonderful and beautiful in ways that most ideals don’t recognise. But I did. That required time and effort to get know her, and accept her like she is. I don’t know if it’s this new attitude I have, but dating her is the best dating experience I’ve had in my life. Her being a special woman might also be a factor.

    • Alice says:

      Thanks for this beautiful post. You are certainly lucky to have a beautiful girlfriend but she is very lucky to have you too! You’ve given me hope for the day! :-)

    • Cathy says:

      Dash, I loved what you had to say about bringing mindfulness into a relationship:

      “It means to experience the relationship as it is, without comparing it to relationships of others’, without expectations, without ideals and without judging. It means to live the relationship in the moment and to be fully present…Dropping ideas and ideals in a relationship means that you truly get to see all feelings raw like they are: confusion, fear, empathy, longing, connection, joy, gratitude, and so on.”

      The times when I am able to step outside my own ego and be fully present to the person before me, I am bowled over by his or her own unique beauty. Each of us has a wealth of raw feelings behind the face we show the world. Being able to accept that – in ourselves and others – paves the way for true connection.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      This is spectacular Dash. Really glad you shared!

      Cheers,
      Matt

  87. cece says:

    thats the problem am constantly having in my relationship. I always expect my boyfriend to behave in a certain way but thats never the case…I guess his behaviour is the real him n I have to accept that now after seeing this

  88. Clara66 says:

    Love it:) Do you still coach men, Get the girl? I was thinking this vid would be just as useful for men too. Keep up the good work. I thought the old person clip was hysterical and your last comment made me smile too. Keeping a sense of humour keeps me going in the minefield of dating :)

  89. Toi says:

    This is definitely something I need to work on. I’m finding out that the older I get, the less someone’s media face matters to me. It’s like when I buy a Justin Timberlake album and every song’s all about the joys of relationships and happiness and I can’t fully invest because my life will never be all party. Then he makes a song with Jay Z (one of the rappers on my top “ick” list) and sings about sacrifice and confusion and a moment of clarity and I’m hooked. I think sometimes, it’s easier to live in the always on moments because you’re afraid you don’t know how to handle slightly off. Anywho, yes, most people don’t get my personality, mainly because I’ll sit quiet and let them talk before I compete with them to be the center of attention. So most people initially think I’m a “quiet snob.”

    But then they talk to me.
    And that’s where I get them. =)

    Have a good week!

  90. blue says:

    Your last question to Jamison, ‘how’s that for classy?’ regarding senior acquiring STDs. Yes, it happens. And sometimes that becomes a part of who this person now needs to share moving forward with a potential new partner. What a way for the pedestal to come crashing down. You think you know me? You have an image of me. Well, this is unfortunately a part of me, too. I don’t like it. It is my truth and reality. I may feel shame. Does this mean that I am no longer desring or desirable?

    How does this fit within the pedestal analogy, Matthew?

  91. Viola says:

    your ears are so cute… sorry, couldn’t help it :)

    • Viola says:

      great video Matthew, thank you! I also believe we should be natural and don’t hind behind the mask of perfection, which is not always attractive image. it is better to be ourselves otherwise we lose not only the person who fell in love with our fake image but mostly we lose ourselves.

      I certainly felt often when people didn’t understand the full breadth of my personality because as many people on this planet that many different personalities exist in this blue round world. yep :)

      p.s. you look very nice btw :)love your smile

  92. Hidz says:

    Oh My GOD Gracious!!! This the third time I am going to say this to you – because it is not my thing to blurt this out to any guy. However Matth, you are looking so damn sexy in this color. It is as good as your coral shirt and you cut your hair too… ok that’s cute.
    Hey you too watching Phil Robertson I bet…. HAPPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!!! If you have an Amazon account, try to watch Duck Dynasty, Season 4 episode 1 (Till Duck Do Us Apart). Their wives did exactly like what you taught us to do. Let me know what do you think.
    PS: prepare some tissues because at the end you might cry some tears. They have such a beautiful ending. I am sure you will love it, as much as I do.

  93. Tulisa says:

    Laney same goes with me!

    I feel like I’m being rude to men just because they don’t fit my ideal man. So whenever someone out of my category ask me out, the answer is a instant no.

    • Laney says:

      I know! I just feel awful, because the guys are usually being really nice and sweet, but its just so hard to get the ideal guy out of your head. I’m really trying to be open, but its still very hard for me.

  94. Soph says:

    Dear Matthew,

    I dont know where to ask you questions, so im writing it here ;)

    I’ve been dating the same man for about 2-2,5 years now, and throughout these years close to all of our big arguments have been based arround the same thing, my past. I really am the perfect girlfriend, but he simply cant get over my previous men. Whenever it comes up in discussions, he keeps glorifying himself and how he has been, his principles, how he was brought up, and then compares it with me and my situation.

    He says that it makes him sad that I’ve slept with so many in the past, sad because I’m such an amazing person. But he also says that he is very shameful and brings it up every chance he gets.

    Its gotten to a point where I ALMOST FEEL BULLIED IN MY OWN RELATIONSHIP. It has started affecting my self confidence arround other people. I avoid people and social gatherings not to be judged. How can I make him stop? It cannot continue like this.

    • Lau_ra says:

      Soph,
      I think you should voice your concerns about his habit to shame you about sleeping with other men in the past. Did he think you’re gonna stay celibate until you meet him, even if that takes you 50 years, or what? Just tell him that his behaviour makes you feel bullied and hurts you. If he doesn’t change his attitude and keeps shaming you, just dump him. The right man is right for you exactly because he doesn’t judge you, especially about something that intimate. I’ve been in several relationships, where men kept telling me I’m not good enough, and I can tell you – nothing has ever destroyed my self-esteem that much as the hurtful words of those I cared about. I was stuck in a circle of emotionally abusive relationships, until I realised that no man has a right to edit my personality and make me feel bad about myself. So best of luck to you! And remember-self-love comes first. If someone deliberately hurts you, knowing you love them and will most likely forgive them – its time to get out. P.S. Also my golden rule is not to tell “the number” to a man I’m dating and not to ask for his “numbers”.

    • Cathy says:

      Soph, He IS bullying you, and if he has done it throughout your relationship, guess what – he will probably never stop. I was in a relationship with someone like this for many years, and it wasn’t until after the breakup that I realized the relationship was abusive.

      New supportive friends pointed out to me that I was hooked into trying to prove to him I was not the bad person he made me out to be. I learned that I had to distance myself from him, and let go of proving him wrong, in order to move on with my life and regain my happiness and independence.

      You deserve someone who is not passing judgment on you and shaming you for your choices.

    • Nelly says:

      Hey Soph,

      When he brings up the topic like that again, let him know that by continuing in a relationship with you after he knew your past, he gave up any right to use that against you.

      It’s as silly as punishing someone for an argument you dreamed about in your sleep.

  95. Christina P says:

    First person to pop in my head is one of the guys on RFL. The show portrayed him as polished, polished, polished, but I remember one interview of him saying he was the math team, dorky kid, wasn’t amazing at athletics and loves comics & video games. I’m still waiting to see that side of him because I’m like that as well. Obviously, I’ve had the opposite happen to me; I’ve put someone on a pedestal and I wanted a relationship with the idea of them than the version of them that actually exists.

  96. Aggie Lau says:

    To be in a relationship it is the guy himself (as his characters and personalities) that you fall in love with and definitely not what you perceived of your ” idea of who he is”..I totally agreed that there will be alot of coaster roller rides if you are into a relationship having the idea of your idea version of him..

  97. hidayah razak says:

    i’ve always have this tough, uptight, strict image on the outside. and people always assume that i’m a dependable person. like, i should be their leader in certain curricular clubs like that.

    but the truth is, i sucks big time in those kind of area. i’m not a great leader. i’ll never will. i’ll never want to.

    like the other day, during this one class, this guy suggested me as his assistant. i was like ‘oh fuck’ but thank god, i didn’t get the majority vote. fiuh.

    i don’t know why, i set that uptight image on the outside.
    i can’t remember since when i had that image on me.

  98. Erin says:

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen.

    People tell me stuff like “you’re always so positive” or “you’re always so happy”. I’m sorry, say what now? Not true, but you know, I’m supposed to take a compliment with grace and all…

  99. Laney says:

    I have thought about this concept a lot, and I know it is part of my problem in the dating world. I have this IDEAL DREAM GUY in my head, and have yet to find him. I don’t allow the time to get to know guys even; as soon as I find something that doesn’t fit my ideal I shut them out. It’s so hard for me not to continue this, but I’m trying. I’m working on my confidence and trying to “keep it real.” You’re videos really help, so thank you!!

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