Nice Guys SHOULD Finish Last

You may see me being a little harsh (maybe even a little overly harsh ; ) here, but for all of those who consider themselves to be ‘too nice’, this is one of those cruel to be kind moments.

I have never met someone who is TRULY nice.

I’ve met people who are honest, who are earnest, I’ve met people who are generous and kind, but I’ve never met someone who is ‘nice’.

I find that people who say they are ‘nice’ are using it as a euphemism for being spineless and not rocking the boat.

Not only is that unimaginably boring, but it also means you’re dealing with someone who you don’t really know.

You don’t know what a nice person is really feeling, or what they’d truly like to do.

You ask them for their preference and they don’t give you a straight answer. They’re not honest about their feelings towards other people, or things that aggravate and annoy them. They just keep things on an even keel the entire time, holding onto the charade of being ‘nice’.

As I think about this subject, I think about the film ‘The Mask’.

I remember being struck on seeing this film by how much of a nice guy Jim Carey’s character Stanley Ipkiss is to begin.

He’s known for having finished a piece called ‘Nice Guys Finish Last’, as he somewhat nobly sees himself as a nice guy (and who in some ways resents the world because of it).

What we find when he puts on the mask is that he becomes a different character.

He becomes bold, edgy, and uncompromising. He becomes a force that drives towards whatever he wants, whether it’s women or money, and he goes after what he wants.

Now, he becomes a very unattractive extreme of this, but we know it’s a caricature of how he would actually like to be.

He hates when he’s a nice guy, and doesn’t respect that version of himself.

I find that nice people don’t stay nice forever. They often become bitter or resentful.

They get angry at the world for being treated badly, and they get angry at themselves for allowing others to walk all over them.

The insidious thing about niceness is that it can actually hurt the people it’s intended to please.

In being nice you’re not honest with the people you’re trying to please, you don’t give opinions that people need to hear, you don’t cut someone down when they need cutting down… And it can actually end up hurting the people it’s intended to help.

The phrase, ‘to be cruel to be kind’, is a very telling one.

Very often we have to have a sense of cruelty to tell someone something that will benefit them.

I believe KIND people deserve the world.

Kind people should be given every award and every bit of recognition. Kind people make the world a better place.

As an extension to idea that ‘nice guys finish last’, I put to you that nice guys SHOULD finish last.

Question Of The Day:

Are you guilty of being too nice? In what ways can you tilt the balance in favour of being kind rather than nice?

119 Responses to Nice Guys SHOULD Finish Last

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  1. Bill says:

    What amazes me is that guys don’t dump the Nice Guy behavior after the first rejection. If he continues with this behavior after seeing that it does not work it is his fault. If the Nice Guy is basically unattractive to women (even after dumping his nice guy mantle) he can at least focus on his career and education where he will see a tangible return. When I was single I never fit into the Nice Guy category but I was quiet and reserved (not brash and cocky) and could not get dates. All around, other guys had so many women that they were pushing them away. I accepted that these other guys won fair and square so I could not resent them; It was like a competition between two professional athletes after a fair competition-may the better man win. Nor could I resent the women-they have a right to go out with anyone they want. I guess that is my main point to guys who cannot get dates: There may NOT be a woman for you. Women are free agents and can date anyone they want and it may NOT be you. I changed my attitude about women at age 30 as follows:

    FROM: What I wanted from women (love,compsnionship)

    TO: What I expected from women: NOTHING

    Expect nothing from women and you will experience a great feeling of peace…

  2. Lana says:

    I wish I had seen this before I entered into a relationship.
    – He used to say – Don’t worry I’m a nice guy..-
    And it’s true, I had no idea who I was dealing with.
    But now it’s more clear, he was spineless, bending his standards, trying to please everybody… And the world was a place that did him wrong.
    Thank God, this guy is now my ex.

    Matthew – you clearly proved your point!

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  7. Barry says:

    Fuck you dude. Your a self righteous piece of shit. I hope you wake up in the middle of a civil war or a famine, you might learn to appreciate the simple niceness of people. You put your own insecurity on a concept. nice, like kind, honest any other sentiment we as a species aspire to is worth more than everything you will ever “achieve”. Those who want to be nice shift the normal distribution toward a better world. You justify your own weakness and fear…and in so doing give license to all the assholes who have commented below. Blame the nice..they had it coming. Either you did it for hits and your a media whore or you did it cause you say a lot of mean shit without thinking about anyone else and want to justify it. Either way your a prick. keep on making our world a better place to live…

    • Jamie says:

      Congratulations, Barry, way to prove his point about self-proclaimed ‘nice’ people being angry and bitter. ‘Nice’ is nothing to aspire to – at least not for emotionally mature people. ‘Nice’ is just the baseline, it takes no effort to achieve. The fact that you see this basic behavior as some kind of lofty thing that takes effort to aspire to says a lot about your lack of character. It’s probably better if people like you stayed away from the rest of humanity for whom nice behavior is the normal default and not something we put massive effort into, and so, childishly demand a gold star for.

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  10. Melissa says:

    Wow Matt, really hit home. Thank you for this video, certainly opened my eyes. :)

  11. Lynn says:

    All good and well I guess. I’m no pollyAnna but as the saying goes kill people with kindness.

  12. Jodi says:

    Dear Matt,

    I agree with your point and value the word “kind”. It actually annoys me when people say I’m “nice” or “too nice”. I have had people pleasing behavior since college that I’m trying to break. I became that person because I had a hard time making friends growing up and socializing. I was teased and hurt a lot. The behavior carried over into dating. I thought being “nice and accommodating” to everyone even if it may hurt me was the answer. It’s not.

    I don’t like to think of myself as “nice” anymore. I’m well intentioned and polite in the sense I don’t feel I have to be aggressive, difficult and a “bitch”, or curse to get my point across. And I don’t hurt people on purpose. However I’m still too conflict avoidant and doing my best to speak up more among friends and men when need be. I worry too much about what others may think and still need to work on this.

    At the same time I feel some people around me want to turn everything into an argument (the people who still say I’m “too nice”). My opinion is you can just ignore negative people instead of always making it a battle. If that person isn’t going to stay around in my life, why waste time saying anything or cussing them out? Sometimes no attention is more powerful than providing attention. Choose your battles.

    And yeah, “nice guys” (or as I like to say “Nice Guys ™ “) are irritating. I used to want that type of guy because I was so afraid of conflict. Eww! The funny thing is “nice” guys don’t like “nice” girls!

    There are genuinely kind hearted men who respect themselves and they don’t have to remind people of how nice they are. Self proclaimed “Nice guys” give, and give and give expecting something in return. And then they complain about how they “gave” too much or “tried too hard”. Yeah. A lot of the time what he gives either isn’t something the girl of interest actually values, or he really hasn’t given as much as what the guy she prefers has.

    The irony of it all is the “nice guys” are essentially doing the same thing that the girls who don’t like them back are doing with the “jerks” who the girls choose (I put “jerks” in quotes because a lot of the time these men aren’t jerks, they’re just more confident than the “nice” guys and understand women more) I mean, “nice guys” chase after a girl who continuously rejects them, or treats them like crap. Isn’t that the same thing the girl they want is doing with the jerk, not treating her as well? Well, hey like attracts like.

    I had a guy friend complain to me how he’s always “Plan B”…well you can’t be her Plan B if you don’t wait for her and aren’t there to listen to all her sob stories. You have the right to say she already had her chance when she returns wanting you to be more than friends.

    Some people wear their “good deeds” like a badge of honor and constantly remind you the “good” they have done for you. I’ve been this person, sadly!! There’s no need to give more and more if you aren’t receiving any appreciation for your kind actions.

    I think a lot of us, men and women were fed this tale that we just have to be “nice and pleasant and giving” to whom we are attracted and they will love us back. If it were that easy, there would be more deep passionate relationships out there. I certainly value a man kind and being pleasant but that isn’t what really helps get anywhere in dating. I mean these days, respectful and pleasant is a basic requirement for me, not the icing on the cake.

    And let’s face it “nice” guys, feel the same about us. They are attracted to girls who aren’t always nice over the ones who always are nice and let them do whatever you want to them, just because they asked. It’s because men AND women are attracted to confidence and authenticity and if you are truly authentic, you won’t always be “nice”. That doesn’t mean you have to go to the other end of the spectrum and be a rude pain in the ass. But even something like ignoring unreasonable requests, or saying “no” in a respectful manner is ok. The world won’t end.

    So when men play the “nice guys finish last” card and cry about how all women are b*****s, I roll my eyes. If the same thing keeps happening, they need to change their actions and/or change choices in women. You can’t control people but you can control yourself. Value those who value you instead of trying to gain approval from someone who doesn’t care enough.

    I’m doing my best to take all my advice here to “nice guys”. Old habits die hard and it’s easier said than done but it’s the only way. Take baby steps and have the courage.

  13. Janey says:

    What a load of crap Matt.. I’m a ‘nice’ person and i am in no way a push over.. I won’t take any crap, if people let me down, i.e men, i won’t see them again or will let them know how i feel..i am honest and have been told i am a very sincere person.. I know some ruthless not so nice people and i do not associate myself with such people..

    I do not agree with u at all, and if i met you, i would tell u so, and i’m still a nice person.. I have been successful in my life with the choices i have made..i made it happen so there..!!

    • Jessica says:


      Your tone in this post is not particularly ‘nice’. Perhaps you do not suffer from this personality affliction as much as you think you do?

      Matt’s video is about people-pleasing behaviours that interfere with expressing one’s integrity, which is definitely in line with the definition of the word ‘nice’ (which can often have undertones of hypocrisy, as in “to make nice”). Hope that helps clear up any confusion!

      • Jessica says:

        Lol, I just put my foot in my own mouth, since my last sentence was pretty sarcastically ‘nice’. Guess I have to work on that ;)

  14. The Honey Badger says:

    Dear Matt,

    Your advice has helped me improve my plan of action and set a time frame. Your work on Nice Guys, and Frenemies is right on, it is heard loud and clear and shows that you put a lot of thought in the work that you put out there for women. Thank you for that. Looking at my current hurricane in hindsight, what has helped me the most are the standards that I held for myself and others. See, it is really easy for one to say that I am this type of person when things are going great in one’s life. However, it is extremely challenging to stick to one’s standards when one is faced with a most devastating hurricane. The fact that I had those standards, has helped me to navigate through these rough waters and hold my anchor. Whereby, I was able to make non-destructive choices for myself and my golden eggs. Now, not only have those standards grown, but the things that are needed in my life are crystal clear because I chose to focus on the positive aspects of this storm. Ironically, the two main driving components of the hurricane, are the ones responsible for these positive revelations in my life.
    I’m looking forward to calmer waters. For now, it will be a wait and see approach. Please keep doing the work that you do. Your material brings a little bit of sunshine to some of my days where the sun has not shown at all.

    Saludos, y mucha suerte querido Matt :)

  15. Jessica says:

    Matt, plz make a video on how we can ditch this “nice” label and behavior. I am not a pushover by any means, but around new people I tend to come across as a damsel in distress/ too sweet type. EWWW! No wonder why female celebs are doing whatever they can to get the bad girl image. Look at Miley for example, I don’t blame her!!!
    After a comment I received from someone recently, I realized I’d much rather come across as cocky & bitchy than otherwise. To any of you nice girls out there, IT AINT WORTH IT!

    • Brionna says:

      Step number 1: Don’t say anything you don’t mean. I say this instead of “be honest,” because I feel it implies that you have to tell people your complete opinion regardless of rudeness. Feel free to keep some things to yourself, but don’t be afraid to disagree with someone.

      • Jessica says:

        thanks! I’m doing an internship for school and I find myself taming the sassy, fiery side of me around the staff. They get to say whatever the hell they want, but I feel like I can’t do the same because I am just an intern. They are even convinced that I am that nice & boring in my everyday life. I actually have a dry sense of humor that I suppress around these people cause I don’t want to offend..might as well let them have it. lol!

  16. VIrginia says:

    Let’s hear Jameson’s response to that. And don’t be “nice”, Jameson!

  17. Rebecca says:

    I think it does depend on how you define the word ‘nice’ and here I think what Matthew means is ‘over agreeable’. I know people like this. They’re frustrating, because they’re the people who shrug and say ‘whatever’ or ‘I dunno’ when you ask what they’d like to do/where they’d like to go that evening – I just want to give up on them.

    Of course there are extremes to everything, and being overly ‘honest’ for the sake of isn’t attractive either, I’ve known people like that too, who have to have an opinion on everything, and that’s exhausting. It’s all about give and take really isn’t it? It’s worth speaking up about your core beliefs and standards though, and sharing your preferences as it helps your relationships grow.

  18. Baldrick says:

    “In being nice you’re not honest with the people you’re trying to please, you don’t give opinions that people need to hear, you don’t cut someone down when they need cutting down…”

    THIS is a very fine balance and you’re not formulating it well. I’ve met the type that believes they have to be “honest no matter what”. No you don’t. Sometimes people needs to keep their opinions to themselves.
    It is important as you say that you should cut people down who NEED it, some people misunderstands this completely and cuts down everybody and everything.

    For myself I’m a guy and I’m not going to share with you my honest opinion if I don’t know you well enough, cause frankly, it’s none of your business what I think.

    • Alex says:


      It seems you’ve gotten lost in his descriptive details and missed the idea he was pointing at. He’s talking about being a spineless WIMP with low self-esteem and little if any self-confidence. Women don’t find that attractive. They’re subconsciously wired to look for a mate to protect and provide. It’s not a complicated issue.

      • Baldrick says:


        Yes I got that too, but the worst advice you can give to a guy with low self esteem is “just be confident” or “just be yourself”. I’ve had issues with that in the past, but I managed to overcome it with hard work. When I see a guy that’s struggling with low self esteem I’m starting to feel empathy for the poor guy cause I know that used to be me.

  19. EL says:

    Hi, I want to say thanks. You’re right. I have met soo many guys that tell me “I’m a nice guy,” then when i’m honest on how i feel they turn in to the worst people. They say horrible things behind my back and suddenly I’m not as wonderful. I also must confess that i have been guilty of being “nice.” Its overrated. Everything you said is absolutely true I used to hate myself and hate the world. Now, i saw what I feel. So thanks.

  20. Laurie says:

    Hi Matthew thanks for posting such helpful videos but this week I have a bit of a problem with your definition of “nice.” I wish people didn’t use nice as a euphamism for someone spineless, a victim personality, or a doormat or someone irksome. It’s actual definition isn’t even close. In fact Merriam-Webster defines it as giving pleasure or joy :good and enjoyable :attractive or of good quality : kind, polite, and friendly. Yes, curiously inaccurate connotation and the books written on the topic the real definition of nice actually includes the word “kind” as well as attractive or enjoyable. Who doesn’t want a guy like that if that is what nice means? I wish people would use words correctly and really say what they mean. Such as “spineless people finish last.” I’d love a nice guy but it’s not the same thing as wanting someone who acts like a door mat or someone who needs to grow a couple.

    • EL says:

      Correct me if i’m wrong or you can completely ignore me but I think he is referring to people who say “they are nice.” There is a difference from being a kind an giving person to a person who tries to please even at a cost to themselves. I’m saying this from experience. For 20 years I have done nothing but try to please others and thought of myself as being nice but honestly I was just being a coward. I was too afraid of hurting others and of fighting for what i wanted that i let myself be consumed by self-loathing for the benefit of others. Like I said you can ignore what I said.

  21. Leecis says:

    Hey no dissin’ my Jameson!
    I agree with topic….my most used saying is ” I will not blow sunshine up your skirt” if you ask me my opinion you will get the truth… I may have not liked your hair yesterday….but if I tell you today I do….you know I will be speaking the truth.

  22. SP says:

    ‘Nice’ is a very bland word and if you think about it, you don’t really know what it means. I couldn’t give it a definition. But I think you just did Matt, it’s people who are highly agreeable with not to please others but more to make life easy.

  23. Misia says:

    Hi Matt. Thank you soooo much for these words.
    In our World where appearence is everything and people are usuale judged only by their Social networks account ( i think the reign of niceness and boredom). You had the courage to sai the truth.
    i would only add that being Real people with passion, great and Also awful moment si very challenging and difficult but is the only way to try to be Happy.
    Thanks for sharing,

  24. Mavis Despond says:

    I think the world and humanity are messed up enough without you being ‘edgy’ to generate interest in your business empire whilst adding to the confusion and pain. To twist the meaning and mock…how very helpful and mature.

  25. Michael D.R. says:

    Every person on the planet whois stuck in a rut , because of being “too nice”, already know that their daily experience is vibrating at a level 95% lower than those who are not “in the rut of niceness”.

    Telling people who are in the “rut-bubble” already know where they are, and they, for the most part, know what the root of the problem is.
    And the root goes deeper than “nice-ness”.

    Those who have not experienced a miracle of “re-awakening” are still where they are, not because they do not make the effort, not because they do not pray for it; they are still there because their miracle has not come yet.

    Telling people that they deserve to be stuck in their “sad-nice-bubble” is not only unsensitive, it is downright irresponsable.

    If a man is dying of thirst will you turn away and walk or will you offer water?
    Who are you anyway?
    If a person does not have the pic-me-up skills of a professional boxer,
    are we going to hit the guy with a 2 by 4 as a method of curing him?
    Hell no.

    Your headline should have read “Why many nice people end up in the low 10 percent of the rat race..

    Alot of nce people are not in last place.
    And for those who are, they already know it.
    What an i_ _t!

  26. UG says:

    This was so nice. :D

  27. GG says:

    I think you’re spot on here. I’ve read the comments and people are objecting to your use of the word nice, but I don’t think it’s about the word per se. It’s when people tell themselves that they are “nice”, to cover the fact that they are spineless, that there is a problem. I should know, because I used to be this person (until, fortunately, I realized how low my self-esteem was, and did something about it).

    I still say that I want a nice guy. By that I now mean I want a guy who treats himself and others with kindness and respect.

  28. Cate says:

    Ouch Matt! We’ve been nice every now and then, just to keep peace when there’s a big group of people (like, 9 of us) hanging out. I mean, someone’s got to give or everyone will be stuck in the same place deciding what to eat. So I think that, on a larger scale, niceness does make the world go round. If everyone say what they think on their minds without a second thought, it can only be destructive in the long run – it destroy relationships before they get a chance to start. On a more personal scale however, its very hard to know what a nice person is actually like – they are way too reserved. Blame culture: to this day my mom will not hesitate to be “not nice” if I were to be too straight-forward(harsh)… Sounded like double standards XD But she meant well.

    My english lecturer used to say that “nice” is a vague adjective people used for other people or things they don’t really know about. I don’t really mind if people in general are nice, but I have friends who are like that and I have to admit it can be frustrating. I mean, I know I know them (at least most of the times), but when they start being too nice, I have doubts about things I thought I was sure of for the last decades.

  29. Diane says:

    Thank you Matthew!

    Wow – that was very powerful as I’ve always equated being nice with being strong – when in fact you’re right it really is associated more with being weak. I’ve always tried not to hurt people’s feelings or not rock the boat by being nice – but it doesn’t feel good to me – and you’re right it does affect how people see you.

    I think you just changed my life.

  30. Ocean says:

    According to English Oxford dictionary, nice, when applied to people means “good natured; kind.”

    I am saddened to see a positive word/notion denigrated in the way it was in this post. I still see nice as synomous with kind. The personality you described conjures images of someone who is submissive, passive agressive–anything but nice.

    All languagues are constantly evolving. I hope that ”nice” is not headed in the direction you describe.

  31. Vanesa Negrete says:

    Your right there’s no such thing as being nice just acting nice. I been nice all my life and because of that I’m now bitter for lettin others treat me like dirt. I know I’m a great person regardless of what other might say because everybody makes mistakes everyday. Some people tell me I should never make mistakes. But I want to make mistakes that’s what makes me better and I learn from them. I had anxiety disorder and depression because I let myself believe that I was not worthy of myself. Starting today I will not take crap from anyone and I will speak my mind and opinions without being no longer afraid of what people might say. I think that in order for me to happy I have to love myself first for me to love another human being.

  32. kloy says:

    I’ve never liked the word NICE.
    “you’re not good, you’re not bad, you’re just nice”
    –Into the Woods, Stephen Sondhiem

  33. Mel says:

    Reminds me of what you wrote in your book (unless it was in somebody else’s book – in which case sorry) that even nice guys want sex, they’re just not as upfront about it. If one thing I share from your book with my girlfriends it’s that! When they’re all saying ‘Where are all the nice guys’ I have to laugh, where indeed? Fifty and living with their mothers I imagine because they’ve been emotionally blackmailed from leaving.

    Now that I think of it, it was definitely your book…

  34. Randa says:

    Let me see if I understood the difference:
    Being nice = people pleasure as in doing things because you either think you’re supposed to, or you feel you have to and don’t think you have the option to say no cuz you’re afraid of offending someone? A.K.A Living up to someone else’s standards
    Whereas being KIND is doing things because YOU want to [you want to help, to be there for someone etc.] A.K.A Living on YOUR standards. Correct? Reminds me of the High Value woman description!

    Great post as usual!

    Love the shirt by the way, it gives a splash of zen to the video :D

  35. Anjali says:

    I don’t agree with equating the word “nice” to spineless, boring, dishonest behavior, but I do understand exactly what you’re talking about. When you try to put everyone else above yourself, most people don’t appreciate it. They take advantage and walk away, looking for the next person who will let them get away with anything. The people who don’t want to take advantage won’t even notice you. That’s a fact I’m still adapting to, because I was raised with the notion that selflessness is the best thing to be. As an adult you realize that people don’t appreciate that stuff, and also that no matter how sweet and nice you act, you’re not entitled to anybody’s appreciation. It’s up to the individual to discern who is worthy of their most generous qualities, instead of giving blindly to everyone. I think you can be nice AND assertive, but most people don’t know how.

  36. Goldberry says:

    I’d say a lot of ‘niceness’ is a sign of insecurity and fear. If we submit in order to get a good reaction or not be stressed, maybe we just can’t handle negativity and conflict. But what this also means is that we don’t have much to offer because we are too dependent on other people’s unpredictable behavior. I’ve been in both places (‘niceness’ and ‘kindness’) and my recommendation to people is to protect themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually until they have a stable base and know they can be strong. Try not to form new relationships (especially risky ones) and get out of toxic ones. Then when you’re strong enough to offer positivity or firmness to others no matter how they behave, you won’t have to fall back on ‘niceness’.

  37. Jennifer says:

    It’s unfortunate that in some circles, nice and spineless have come to equate the same thing; they don’t. In my opinion, a nice person is kind, considerate, and honest. I know many people with these qualities. They can tell you the truth without out being nasty. It’s truly an art.

  38. Cathy says:

    I agree that “niceness” gets in the way of honest communication. I have a male friend who is so conflict-avoidant that he has become very good at saying what the other person wants to hear to avoid conflict, but then he overcommits to too many people, and doesn’t fulfill his word, wreaking havoc on his relationships. Or he gets mad and stubborn. It all seems to stem from his discomfort with being in disagreement with someone. I see how he runs himself ragged trying to please others all the time, and he can never please everyone, so he ends up disappointed in himself and resentful with all the people making demands on him. He is outwardly successful but emotionally bankrupt. It is hard to watch him on his never-ending merry-go-round of people pleasing. I wish he could hear what you have said before, Matthew, “You are enough.”

  39. Elaine says:

    And there you go again…saying things that are so applicable to humans. It’s not about being a guy, a girl, a parent, a co-worker-it’s about acting like a decent human being. I came to you thinking I was nice- and thinking it was a good thing. I left you aware and driven to be kind, honest, truthful and loving.
    I have just been to see a family member who gets my back right up. It’s the words they use, how they phrase them and then how my brain translate them to be cutting, derogatory and instructional. I have come home fit to burst and put my hand through a wall. Thanks to you and THE RETREAT I have managed to chunk the situation down into what’s really bothering me- I’m angry with myself because I am nt being congruent with what I say and how I feel.
    Rome wasn’t built in a day and I’ve still got work to do but I have the tools to address this from my side. I’ve sat myself down for a chat and we have an approach for our next meeting.
    Thank you for being kind Matt. XxxX

  40. Rachel says:

    While I agree that sometimes when someone is intending to be nice in order to please others or to not offend someone, yes these “nice” people can be doing a disservice to those they intend to benefit. However, I utterly disagree with your comments about needing to “cut-down” or to have a sense of “cruelty” in order to truly help people when they require a “tough love” approach. I think confronting bad behaviour, taking a moral stand to someone else’s blatant indecency or disrespect, and saying the truth in love is a much better approach to “cruelty”. Saying the truth in an attitude of love and respect is where your appreciation of kindness comes from, Matt.

  41. Shelley says:

    Dear Matthew,

    I have to disagree with the “nice guy finishes last theory”. The last man standing wins too!!!!, is also another theory. Nice and kindness are not too far apart.


  42. Shelley says:

    Dear Matthew,

    I have to disagree with your “nice guy finishes last” theory a bit. The “last man standing” means the last person standing wins. Being nice and kind aren’t that different.


  43. Jill says:

    I didn’t really have any thoughts until the end…Two words overly confident.

  44. Carmel says:

    If Jameson is not getting recognized in Starbucks that he frequents, then that Starbucks is not good at their job of recognizing their loyal customers. Time to find another Starbucks, Jameson. As for me, 2-3 years of frequently going to the Starbucks next to my work, they know me and what I do for a living, and I see a couple of them randomly at bars and give hugs and chat, but they still have not made me or my co-workers customer of the week at their Starbucks, which is something they vote on. Here I was thinking they were nice….. guess not, after all. :) hahah.

  45. Kira says:

    Can we see Jamison??!! Can we, can we?? Or does he not like the camera?

    I’m sometimes guilty of being nice. Not as much as I used to be but sometimes. But usually, it’s because of fear more than anything else. Because rocking the boat is sort of scary because you have no idea where you’re going to end up. It’s like, what’s going to happen to me if I do this? Also, I notice that when I am being nice, I feel angry and trapped. I don’t usually blame the world though. I just feel angry with myself and sad too. Like, why do I have to be so afraid? Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. It’s not even logical. I just feel like somewhere down the road this little incident will come and bite me. Like, oh no I was a little short with this person today. Never-mind whatever they have said or done. He or she’s going to be mad and go tell someone else of influence and they’re going to think bad of me and give me a hard time etc…But then I look up and I see that little carrot stick wiggling in front of my face and I want it. I just wanna grab it and take it for my own. And I think stupid carrot, you’re going to get me in trouble. But lately, I have been more emboldening and it feels scary, truly it does but I’m realizing that the world is still turning and not burning in fire and brimstone. And it also helps because I’m a lot more confident. Each time the world doesn’t explode in my face, I feel a little more easy and relaxed. Oh, and I can have my carrot too.

    One thing though, more than anything else, I want the strength to carry forward even if the world does slap me a few times. I’m terribly afraid that if it does, it’ll crush what I have built. I still feel tender, vulnerable.

  46. Kamilla says:

    Hey there! Not very nice of you to heckle Jamison! But then again..youre not very Nice, are you? ….NOT ANYMORE atleast.

    hehe… and I respect that!

    I used to be nice too. I was a pushover to say the least.
    I still considerate peoples feelings and I care alot. But there are simply too many emotions flying around all the time you cant help but step your foot in it once or trice in a while! And…well..things very interesting then. I find out things I never imagined existed! :D

    But what do you mean Nice guys SHOULD finnish last? Shouldnt them all? ;)

  47. Marilee Nugent says:

    Jameson Whiskey? what?
    Oh Matthew, here’s my situation. I’m 49, divorced, have the body of a 20 year old. Was a professional bellydancer for 30 years. Have been told by many men I’m beautiful. I’m in Montreal pursuing a PhD, and everyone I know is 25-35 years old. I meet either 25-30 yos who want ‘fun’ or people in my age group who want their life partner and tell me I don’t have the right to a committed relationship if I think I’ll be leaving town in two years when I find a job. I don’t know how to negotiate this situation. I’ve been on dating websites, & the younger guys say they have immediate ‘needs’ they want met and the age-appropriate ones lead with their insecurities and let me know up front they don’t think they are good enough (presumably because I am not fat and ugly). I’m not ready to engage in a lifelong commitment but I don’t want to make do with booty calls. I don’t want to compartmentalize because I need to care about the person I’m having sex with. Perhaps I need a younger boyfriend who is also in a transitional phase & not ready to settle down. How do I find/communicate my situation without sounding ultradefensive and overly demanding? I want something real, I can’t play a role as a ‘cougar’ but I can be realistic about the level of commitment. My impression has become that if a guy doesn’t want a relationship with a particular woman he cannot treat her well and with respect. Thanks in advance. M

  48. Dian says:

    Yes! It goes for men and women. I’m a people pleaser, so many times I get frustrated because people take advantage. i love it. I needed to hear that today. You’re blunt but that’s not a bad thing : )

  49. Stephanie says:

    I must admit, that was a bit harsh- but I know that it came from a place of kindness and wanting to help, so right on! lol Not many people are told the unsettling truth that being nice is NOT the same as being kind. While I don’t think that being nice is entirely a bad thing, I think that trying to please everyone and be perceived as “nice” can be dangerous. In a way being nice all the time can stifle your personality and people don’t get to see who you truly are when you’re too concerned with trying to be everyone’s cup of tea. In being kind, you can be nice; but you’re also not compromising who you are or bending over backwards for people who haven’t earned that from you. Anyways, I think i’m rambling so that’s all i have to say. haha Great video!:)
    P.S.- are we ACTUALLY ever going to SEE Jameson????

  50. Princess says:

    Is it correct to presume that the terms ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ are mutually exclusive? Can they not co-exist? The overuse of the word ‘nice’ has dulled it’s meaning, making it sound superficial, bland and blase compared to kind. ‘Nice’ now seems to have the connotation of something bad going alongside it – ie nice and naughty. It doesn’t have to be this way, however, nice doesn’t have to be insipid it can encompass true benevolence and kindness and the two can co-exist in my opinion.
    I think there can be a danger that if you are nice and kind but naive you can be treated like a doormat and that is definitely not kind to oneself. It’s knowing when to stand up for oneself and not be taken advantage of.

  51. Gracey says:

    I’m a dichotomy. Professionally I take NO bull from anyone but in relationships, I’m way too accommodating while also sabotaging, I believe. Hopefully watching your videos and doing some manifesting work, I can find a great man!
    PS – I’m glad you differentiated between “nice” and “kind”!

  52. Rumors says:

    I think your concept of a “nice person” is truly different from mine.Anyway, I get what you try to say.

    Jameson:Don´t listen to the Mr. Famous.Your work is neat and we appreciate you. Will we ever see your face? Oh, what a mystery…

    • Rumors says:

      What I mean is that someone can be nice without beeing someone that for pleasing others is unfaithful to himself. I think the problem is to think that beeing nice or even polite, equals being fake or with a weak personality. In my opinion this mistake is dangerous because it lead us to a wrong prejudice.

  53. Mary says:

    Hi Matt,

    When I read your email, I was totally on board with your “nice guys SHOULD finish last” pronouncement. I’ll admit the video wasn’t about the, ahem, finishing I was expecting, but I resonated with your message nevertheless. I have been very sensitive my whole life and that coupled with a desire to be kind/not hurt others has sometimes meant that I am more willing to put my needs or preferences second. It can be a very fine line between kindness and niceness. I feel like kindness fills you up and comes from a place of authenticity, value, and love. Niceness may have some of the same antecedents, but ultimately is pretty manipulative. It feels unsteady, because your feelings are predicated on another person’s response (which is outside your control), and hold you back from the messy, lovely, heart-opening vulnerability of being true and emotionally intimate with someone.

    Thank you for speaking your mind so clearly and authentically. Your desire to live as your best self and help others do the same is very palpable.

  54. Paige says:

    While I agree with what Matthew is saying, I do want to add there is a difference between having manners and being “nice”. I don’t believe he means to forgo politeness to get what you want, just stand up for yourself. I don’t think this video gets across what he really mean (at least I hope it doesn’t.)

  55. Katey says:

    This was excellent and sooooo true! Thank you!

  56. Pingback:Is Passion Overrated? – Weekly Roundup #78

  57. K says:

    Well then, in the spirit of not being spineless…I should share something with you. As much as I love your message & YOU! (I’ve been watching since youtube), I was disappointed recently with your organization.

    It’s not a huge deal but I tried to share what happened with your team and got crickets back in return. I know you have a small team so I was being very accommodating. Plus, I was mainly trying to help you guys avoid this issue in the future. My final e-mail was not even recognized.

    Anyway, it was a real bummer as I have been a huge supporter or yours and was promised something by your team. When it wasn’t delivered, I made it known and got no apology or reply. Again, no big deal (which is why I’m not sharing specifics) but thought maybe I’d feel better if I voiced my disappointment directly to you. Thanks for listening! Great video and great message, as always.

    • Kamilla says:

      Hey, dont be kind. That treatment dont deserve kindness. Speak up.

    • gettheguy says:

      Hi K,

      Thanks for giving us a feedback, I will surely take this constructively so we can further improve on our process. But If I may ask, which email are you referring to that was not replied on. I have been checking all our conversations and I am sure I was able to reply on your message last October 8, 2013.

      Please email me at so I can further assist you.

      Any help would be highly appreciated.

      Kind Regards,

      • K says:

        Hey Bie,

        This was unrelated to my e-mails to you. I was speaking for 6 months to another team member about the Get the Guy tour and promised product during that time.

        But as an aside (regarding my e-mails to you for KtG), I did have to cancel directly with PayPal as you guys still charged me after I canceled in the e-mail with you. FYI. It’s all good though.

  58. Sara says:

    you are incredibly INSPIRING! I just read your whole book today and although I’m not really sure I’m ready to “create” yet, I do think you are absolutely amazing at what you do. If I could, I would totally apply for your treatment program.. who knows, maybe one day I will! Resources are definitely my issue right now! ;) keep up the good work!!!

  59. Raluca says:

    Hey, Matthew! Thank you for the article, I totally agree with what you say about the Nice People. Mostly because I used to be a Nice Girl and I am still working on getting out of this pattern. Talking about synchronicity…Today I’ve just released a blog post named: 7 Signs of the Nice Girl Syndrome and How To Overcome Them ( hoping that my experience will help other women to brake out of it and drop the mask of being Nice. Now I see your video about the same topic. There is something in the air about the Nice Girl/Nice Guy these days :) Thanks and good night!

  60. Holly (the one that made everyone laugh) says:

    I hate the word “nice”, Nice is naff!!

  61. Faizah says:

    This is the first time I hear someone distinguish nice from kind, that was a very helpful video..

    Thank you!

  62. Ewa says:

    The movie “Anger Management” does a great job at showing a guy who is just so, soooo nice:) He lets people walk over him and is afraid of his own emotions and needs. By allowing others to treat him badly, he avoids confrontation….So the word “nice” in this case is just another word for cowardliness.

  63. Callie says:

    Completely agree! Thank you for the different perspective on that excuse. I have actually fallen under that category in the past and thought I was doing those things to be considerate of their feelings or to make them happy. I never thought about how an honest answer may have changed their lives for the better. If they hate me for the honest answer then that’s obviously not someone I should be hanging around anyway. Great video Matt!

  64. Ellie says:

    When I saw this video, I immediately thought of Tom Hiddleston(he played Loki from the Avengers)He’s such KIND gentleman and he gave me hope that there are descent guys out there. Thank you for this video, I daily struggle with being a “nice” person , but now I know to be more honest. Your the best!
    P.s. Why are British men so charming?;)

  65. Kristi says:

    I think in the end, all nice people end up finishing last. They live a life ‘unlived’. I can say this from personal relationship experience. Although a kind, passionate and honest person in almost all aspects of my life, I was definitely the ‘nice’ girl when it came to relationships. How BORING (lol)… and sad….but so true. Due to a lack of Core Confidence, and poor historical reference points, I was foolishly mislead to believe this is what men wanted in a relationship. No boat rocking allowed.
    One way I came to this conclusion came from working in an almost all male environment for a period of time. I observed (maybe with a skewed reality) they ran from confrontation like the plague. Not attractive. Funnily enough, I found they were drawn to me because I didn’t ‘back down’ from something I believed in or felt was unjust. Then, due to my lack of knowing of the existence of a high value man, I became involved with a few of these men. Crazy, yes, but true. They may have been spineless but at least they weren’t violent and this was a step up from historical reference points. (Made me who I am today though, so not looking for pity or even empathy. Kinda proud of my journey)
    Although currently single I now have all the tools I need to not settle for a ‘nice’ guy (ewe). To my great fortune, I’ve met some men who have shown me what a high value man looks like. (And a plethera of them on the Retreat-Eternally grateful-Highly recommend to all women-amazing group.) So now I have a new standard of man and more importantly i feel confident I’ll recognize these men by the the way they make me FEEL and BE myself in their presence. (The good, the bad and on occasion with time, even the ugly) yikes! ;)
    PS-The love you have for Jamison is priceless. Thanks for sharing. Boys being boys-love it!

  66. Steph says:

    you should clearly define your meaning of “nice” because everything you’re saying can be easily misinterpreted and seems to promote self-centered egotism

  67. Skye says:

    Thank you so much for this piece Matt. If you feel like you were harsh, please don’t. Because if anyone feels you were, you were merely “being cruel to be nice” and it’s important to get this message across. Sometimes being blunt and honest is the best way and your intentions are always good, which is what counts. I’m not “nice” and I have to say it’s a huge turn off for me when people are “nice” – both men and women. I’ll be sharing this little video with a few of my friends. Keep them coming Matt. Thank you SO much. I love what has now become my little Sunday evenings rituals from MHSOL :) Night!

  68. Raimee says:


  69. Slippery ice says:

    Have we met before, mr. Hussey? Because I think you just described me.

    I have been living so long in my comfort zone and being NICE and waiting good stuff to happen by its own.

    Only recently I have done a few steps to get out. I reached the moment in my life where I just feel so scared and lost because I realised that I had been living in like a different dimention, and then I realised I can actually step out of it and do (almost) whatever I want. But.

    I still am partly there and that does not allow me to be fully creative, spontaneous or brave…and I am so scared to be stuck forever in this inbetween “dimention” of comfort zone and pursue-my-dreams zone.

    It sucks to be feeling that I am being so indecisive and scared of life that is happening “outside”.

    I have had many great opportunities in life and often I got them because I was brave and motivated, but I never used the opportunity I created for myself PROPERLY. So in the end what I was left with was that I had regrets of being indecisive and bucket full of regrets.

    And all that is because at the end of the day I am just nice with a little hint of “trying to achieve something very boringly slowly”.

    Lately as always, being all over the place with my thoughts, but yeah, that video just described me very well and made me want to leave a comment, a little piece of myself.

    Maybe one day I will come back to find this video and find my comment – hopefully that day I will be a person who is happy with its life and is pursuing opprtunities, lives life to the fullest, and has someone great to share the life with.

    Thank you Matthew for sharing! You are making us to become better people of the world :)

    PS. I hope your radio show will be available soon also in others parts of the world for us to listen and ponder upon ;)

  70. Thirza says:

    Hi matthew i will honestly answer you question of the day.
    Yeah im so angry of beinig nice all THE TIME!! YEAH I ALWAYS LET PEOPLE WALKING OVER ME !!!! on my internship im the one who always must doing dishes all the day long affcourse i do aa little bit of other stuff to BUT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU I´M SICK OF IT!!! AND IM NOT EVEN GETTING PAYED FOR MY INTERNSHIP THAT´S THE WORSE THING OF IT ALL. Is not that i always want money for everything that i do but a little bit could help.

    my school says if we asked why whe are not getting payed they say : Exeperience is more worth than getting payed that’s why.


    BUT IT’S THE WAY I AM i can never change the charcather you know ;).

    im sorry for writing this so big but i gotta answer you question with all honesty ;)

    lovely greetz Thirza From the Netherlands.

  71. kristina says:

    I think you have to be a nice guy to let the woman finish first ;) ;) ;)

  72. Jessica says:

    I agree! I feel the most UNATTRACTIVE when I’m “nice” because it’s not me. Anyone who falls for my niceness is falling for a very watered-down version of myself. That’s why I get comments later on like, “I had no idea you were a little devil”, and ” I didn’t know you were so funny”. Like what the heck? why is it that I wait for people to get close to me for me to show up as who I really am? It isn’t until much later that I realize that these very same people that fell for my initial niceness are exactly the same people I would rather not hang out. Oh and this ugly niceness shows up when I’m unsure about the situation I’m in , like a new job for example.

  73. Maria says:

    Brilliant piece of advice! Thanks!

    Being nice for the sake of being nice is colourless and annoying. They look like the kids clay that finally all the different colours have mixed into an ugly dirty gray!

    PS I think Jameson is very kind to you! Bastard! :P

  74. Rachel says:

    I love this video and it’s so true! All my life I’ve been called by so many people the “nice” girl and I always hated it, whenever I heard that I would remember the times where I didn’t stand up for myself or speak up my opinion just to be “nice”. And now I’m learning to speak up and let everyone know that I exist and won’t be walked over and I’m happier than ever! Definetely being kind is much better to everyone than just nice.

  75. Jessica says:

    So true again! You have a lot of wisdom for a young man. You are very insightful.

  76. Plamena says:

    Wow ok…I was that “nice” girl before, but a sort of change this attitude, because life taught me so. Thank you for reminding me Matt!

    Plami xx

  77. Jennifer says:


  78. Angela says:

    This is the kick in the pants I need. I’m a nice person, but I learnt to be “nice” while married to someone who turned out to be horrid. I wasn’t aloud an opinion, so gradually I came to never have one – not even an unexpressed opinion.It’s taken a while but I’m getting back to my old self, but needed that straight talk from you. Thanks Matt!

  79. Veronika Gudábová says:

    I´ve never thought I would comment on one of your videos (though I´ve seen them all so far), but you just hit the nail here.
    I used to be that “nice” person who wanted to be a friend with everyone, who didn´t want to cross someone. I now deal with a problem where I became the bad guy and by being bold and straight with my opinions on that person, but I couldn´t leave it be anymore.
    I want to be (seen as) kind, not nice, because being nice means being silent, living in my head. I just hope more people around me will understand that the fact that I tell them my opinion and don´t remain silent doesn´t mean I want to be mean and I like hurting them.
    Thank you for sharing your thought on the subject, you´ve got a supporter here :)

  80. Rivka says:

    Usually when I use the word “nice” i mean kind. But I recognise that when other people use that word it is usually, in your words “a euphemism for being spineless.”
    ANd those guys complaining about how they are nice but girls still don’t like them? Those guys don’t seem actually nice to me: at least not in the sense of kindness.

  81. Lisa-Jane Parry-Jones says:

    WOW !! Bang On !! I so wish my ex boyfriend could see this, he is incredibly ‘nice’ and kind and bl**dy awesome in EVERY way….. unfortunately because he has always been soooooo ‘Nice’ he has been crapped A LOT !! He’s always said nice guys finish last. The damaged caused from this meant I tried to walk on egg shells so as not to to be put in the same dreaded ‘let him down’ bin…… I failed due to stupid chicky foot faults (being too self absorbed, insecure and emotionally suffocating, ‘GUILTY’ as charged !!) and there is no room for forgiveness what so ever …..
    I Hope he stops being so bloomin’ ‘Kind’ then ‘used’ and maybe someday I pray he can find someone that could make him truly happy he deserves it !!!!

  82. Agostinha Jacinto says:

    Wow…great video!!! i think i was “nice” but soon i learnt that we should be honest with ourselves in the first place before just please other people….so, to do that we shouldn t neglect our caracter and thoughts and ideas and dreams…we need to live life for ourselves and not live for other people…being nice,neglecting what you want..sometimes we have trouble in our life and think its a disastrer because we dont deserved….(specially when u are too nice) or thinking people will do to you, the same thing you do for everybody…and sadly the world doesnt work like that….like you sais matt once: “people have to deserve your time” and your kindness…THANKS FOR YOUR VIDEO, because its so important for my sister who have so many problems because she is to nice….and then, people arent… :X THANKS MATT!

  83. Michelle says:

    I agree. I liked the Jim Carey’s character better at the end of the movie. I respect someone more who is honest and tells the truth, even if it might hurt my feelings a little, more than someone who evades the issue. You know you can trust them and that they have your best interests at heart or you may learn they are just a mean person you do not want to associate with, depending on delivery, either way you learn a lot more about that person than you would otherwise.

  84. Ashley says:

    I believe that you can be nice and still not compromise on your standards and honesty. I think its not being nice that’s the problem its knowing when to be nice when to be honest or when to be a little bold. But i think niceness boldness and honesty can all go hand in hand you just have to know where to draw the line.

  85. Jeri Thompson says:

    You hit THAT nail right on my head! I was always taught to not rock the boat, but I don’t please anyone, even myself! And being “nice” is a manipulation of sorts, isn’t it? A friend told me that life is messy, and I am trying to be messy (ex. rocking said boat, making a scene, etc.) That is real and that is life. Thank you for all your videos, I am learning about men and myself and why we have never been together for very long… Things will be changing!

  86. Zuzana says:

    Very very true. I have always thought nice is boring and not to be trusted. I’m glad I’m not alone. thanks!

  87. Inas says:

    Another Brilliant subject!
    You just give me a lot to think about, AS ALWAYS!
    Your words continue to help me grow into my best self and stand up for my convictions peacefully :)
    I think I became addicted to your words! :D
    Keep it up

  88. Rachel says:

    I liked this one!! I agree.
    Good Job!

  89. zion princess says:

    I am nice and I am proud of being NICE. I like to blend in and not upset the apple cart. If people over step the mark I am no pushover. Nice people are a necessity in society otherwise we would all go around screaming and making demands on other people to accommodate our every need. I like being polite, throwing my rubbish in the bin, and wiping the toilet seat after I use it for the next person.

    • Kamilla says:

      I think youre confusing niceness with kindness. Theres nothing wrong with being polite. Or accomodating yourself once in a while. Thats not his point. His point is that you can go around afraid all your life, never upsetting anyone and thinking that will make anyones life better.

  90. Amanda Collazo says:

    Sooo very true Matthew, I have noticed over time that nice people actually piss me off :)because they have no conviction regarding anything. Who wants to be mundane their whole life making no waves and just going with the flow. There is certainly a difference between “nice” A.K.A fake to being kind…and actually which is my most men probably get offended when you call them

    Thanks again for your insight, so fun to watch.can’t wait to see you live in NY

  91. Hidz says:

    Oh Poor Jameson!!
    Matthew is being cruel to be kind. To Jameson next time do put your face first on the camera before you let this big-KitKat-bro rant. Matth…honestly I think you can do better about this topic.. but I love your philosophy, Be Cruel to Be Kind. See, I am glad that you get my mean girl concept. Yay!!!! I love you coach!

  92. Lulu A says:

    I totally agree with you. My recent horrible experience was the “nicest” guy I had ever met. He treated me like a princess, I finally had thought I found my price charming, he did whatever I wanted to do, he agreed with most things I said, he laughed at my every jokes, I always thought this guy is manly, confident and at the same time so nice! How is that possible, then I had my revelation, until there was a bump in me moving to his city, which I was suppose to, and he disappeared. Our last conversation was amazing, he was suppose to meet me in couple of weeks, and I never heard from him again! And I realized; he was fake, he wasn’t nice, he was just a coward, he always agreed, and he always did what I wanted to do because he didn’t have the nerve to do it his way, and at the end he didn’t have the nerve to say good bye, a coward. Even if he was just looking for a good time, he was still a coward. So for me now, nice guys do’t excited, either fake ones or real ones.
    Thanks Matthew

  93. Jo says:

    Very insightful! Thank you!

    • Sandi M says:

      I have been too nice at times. I can tilt the balance of this by resisting the fear of challenging the status quo when necessary. Fear is selfish because how I feel or may be looked at by others should not prevent me from saying or doing what needs to be done. Also cruel to be kind means considering another’s well being so much that you risk yourself receiving ridicule or rejection as a result of your forthrightness with them.
      Glad to see the the question of the day again :) Miss your responses Matt ;)
      Much love and big hug to you!

      • Kamilla says:

        Fear is not selfish. How cruel to say that! Fear is an emotion we all have and may I ad it, should have. Cause it prevents us from doing stupid shit. Like putting your hand on a hot stove. People without fear arent courageous. They have something wrong with their head.
        Fear is actually a fuel for many people. The ones that use it as it should be used and dont run. The way I see it, it’s a test of inner strength. Its a way of redefining your personal beliefs. Of what is possible, for you as an individual aswell on a global scale.

        • Sandi M says:

          I did not say all fear is selfish. I referred to it in the context of it preventing me from doing what needed to be done not in general or as a rule. Your point that fear in the context of preventing one from doing something stupid or I would also say harmful is good. So fear can be good or bad depending on how it affects behavior.

  94. Emily says:

    This is so good, Matthew. So true too. I find the assertiveness I’m cultivating in my dating life to transcend into my family, friends, and work life too. It all connects, and this is such a good point. I’ve known so many people to use ‘nice’ as a crutch, and it’s really infuriating. I’m glad you agree!

    • Janice says:

      I understand where you’re coming from, but how do you differentiate niceness from kindness?

      • Kamilla says:

        Niceness is just not trying to offend anyone, youre so accomodating that your making yourself so small so you can fit the tiniest of space. youre suffocating yourself basically. Thinking people will like you more.

        Kindness comes from generosity of the heart. True kindness is caring for other people. Its empathy. Without compromising yourself and your standards.

        But didnt Matthew explain all this in the video?

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