You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring

Here’s a little rant I just recorded. It’s said with all of the love in my heart and as a call to action to break free from the ‘cocoon’ of shyness. Enjoy!

So often people use shyness as an excuse not to contribute.

I know so many introverts – like myself – who make being an introvert into a noble, glorified thing.

If we want to be the most well-rounded, charismatic person we can be…

We have to cultivate the skills of the extrovert.

This doesn’t mean that you have to live in ‘extrovert mode’ 24 hours a day, but it does mean that you have to be able to bring out those skills when you need them.

When I step out on stage for instance, I’m bringing out the skills of the extrovert, even though that’s not who I am naturally.

It’s fun to be able to do both.

You can be an introvert and enjoy being an extrovert on certain evenings and occasions, and then go back to being an introvert.

Never let someone convince you that being an introvert stops you from being able to bring out the extrovert just for the hell of it.

Being able to develop those skills was one of the biggest gifts I gave myself because now I’m able to go into situations that scare me, and in spite of that fear, I’m able to bring out parts of my personality that when I’m younger I never used to be able to bring out.

–Is it okay to sometimes be shy?

Yes of course.

The point is that being that way all the time and using it as an excuse to never not be shy is not good.

You’re more than shy. Don’t allow yourself to be labelled. Be what you want to be in any given moment.

Do what works. Not what you ‘think’ you are.

Want to learn how you can step up and break free from the expectations of others? How you can layer different personality traits on-top of those you already have? Want an easy, step-by-step way to get more sociable, meet more men, and grow your social circle? Check out my online program The Man Myth which covers all of this and more.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

209 Responses to You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring

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  1. Lizz says:

    Thanks for this Matt! I’m not truly and introvert but there are times when I’m around guys and scared (see you’re right being shy is just being scared) that I act like an introvert. Thing is I always know when I act like this and I hate it, but its hard for me to get out of that shell sometimes. Thanks for this video, it kinda gave me an extra boost of knowing I need to cut it out :)

  2. Caitlyn says:

    Great video! I agree, but it is easier said than done. Something to work on. Thanks for going on your rant! :)

  3. SP says:

    This is so true – I would class myself as an introvert but on most nights out you wouldn’t know it because I enjoy being extroverted at times and in some situations. Acting shy can come across as boring and sometimes even as rude.

  4. Linsay says:

    Great video Matthew and for the most part I agree with what you said. Shyness and introversion are two completely different things, shyness is more of a fear of what people will think of you and extroverts can be shy. I am 74% introvert and also highly sensitive but not really shy. For anyone interested in this topic, I highly recommend Quiet by Susan Cain, it’s a terrific book mainly addressing the subject of introversion.

  5. Lana says:

    Stop torturing Jameson!!! Pooooor guy :)))))

    You know,I totally agree,I am a natural introvert,converted extrovert through sheer intent.Shy when younger? TO THE EXTREME.Now? I can talk to anyone at all. If they don’t like me,that’s their problem :) I have two brothers that are both introverts and are using this excuse for not wanting to share space,adapt,etc and it drives me crazy as well…shy and introvert is no justification for NOT GROWING.And they always say,yeah you are an extrovert,you have no problem with doing xyz…which is BS because I got there through effort. I went alone to this conference once(because no one wanted to go with me,since we “knew nobody there”) where I knew NO ONE and at the end have meet so many people just by not letting my fear stop me.How? “Where can I find napkins/coffee/water” or anything similar takes you far.It’s the contact that counts,you don’t have to be Tolstoy and say something smart/wise…THANX for this GREAT reminder.

    And do answer your fans more often,don’t be boring or shy(how lovely to be able to say it from now on) :D :P

  6. Susanna says:

    Why the rant?!? People come with different personalities. This world would be an unbearable and exhausting place if everybody acted like an extrovert. Some people like to talk, others prefer to listen and talk less. Still waters run deep – therefore saying that introverts are ‘boring, cold, self-absorbed’ could not be any further from the truth. In fact that’s very shallow thinking in my opinion. If shyness gets in your way of meeting guys then learn some strategies… but don’t feel ashamed for being an introvert. Guys who are worth it will take the time to get to know you better. (From a proud introvert who has learned to use extrovert behaviour in certain situations, but happily goes back to ‘introvert mode’ as I like being true to myself.)

    • Janey says:

      Nicely put..I agree with u Susanna, i am shy, quiet but chatty when needed..if it is a man who is shy i find it quite appealing, surely they must think the same? X

  7. Juli says:

    This is so true! As a shy, introvert, scared person I’m glad to have you showing how our behavior appears to the outside.
    It took me 30 years to learn it with lots of struggle, producing undesirable results in career and relationships.

    It is all about who you are for others and what you can give instead of being self-centered and think everyone should understand what goes on in your thoughts.

  8. Emma says:

    Matt, I agree with you for the most part and do take your point, but as an introvert I also reach a stage where I just can’t sustain the extrovert persona.

    I met my new guy’s friends for the first time on the weekend and for the first 6 hours I could pull off being charming and chatty. HOWEVER the problem was, after that, I started to tire. Just as the evening was taking off and the others were picking up steam, I had no energy left to give the situation and started doing the non-contribution thing you’re talking about. I sat there awkwardly in silence and then left early. And my guy hasn’t been in touch since.

    I don’t want to whine or be negative, but sometimes it feels like a no-win! Such a difficult balance between respecting your own boundaries & pushing yourself to grow.

  9. Rachel says:

    WOW! You hit the nail on the head with this one. It is so me, when I am coaching kids or working behind a bar I am so confident. But put me in a situation when go out and around guys, I go all shy (scared) its weird. Any tips for me.

    Thanks Matt your amazing ! Keep it up

    Thanks Rachel

  10. Natasa says:

    Only thing that annoys me in this video is that you equate social skills with extroverts and lack thereof with introverts. Such is not the case. Introverts just find it hard to socialize for an extended period of time. After that, it can be difficult to fake interest, because you just can’t take any more conversation.

  11. HappyHippy says:

    Wow – you have hit the nail on the head!

    However, what I really admire about this video is how honest you’ve been about yourself – that takes guts.
    And it gives folks the guts to open up and be honest with themselves too, we might not like the answer however it’s the Hard Questions that offer the most to learn from.

    And you are so right, life is about contribution, it’s about being interested, engaged and passionate.

    There was a smashing piece of advice that the girl I work for gave me which was “If you are not passionate about your life, how can you expect anyone to be passionate about you?”

    Incidentally, I’m an introvert and I often get mistaken for an extrovert because I can talk to anyone, I’m interested in everyone, I speak in public and I work best with groups of people, I’m a leader. But I’m not an extrovert, I’m just a geeky, willing to learn introvert. So I understand exactly where you are coming from.

    I’m very impressed by the quality of your insights overall, keep up the good work because I want to learn more, and please, keep asking those Hard Questions ;)

  12. Rachel says:

    I wish you would address what guys think after they break up with you. or why they keep coming back after they break it off? I’ve had several of my friends and a roommate recently get dumped by their boyfriends.. We’ere all so confused. we’d really appreciate some advice. The guy I’m with never seems to make up his mind. When I don’t want him he wants me, then when I want him he ignores me…its all so confusing…

    Thanks, Xox

    P.S. I loved your audio book!

    • Priscille says:

      Yes Rachael I agree. I’m tired of reading & watching what we have to do to ‘get the guy’. How about telling us how to understand a guy to begin with!

  13. Ashley Frederickson says:

    I loved this video. I have been shy since I was very young. I don’t want to be shy and in many ways I have grown out of that shell through competing in pageants. I never use it as an excuse to hold me back. I feel the most shy when I have run our of things to say on a first date or I can’t think of some clever response to a funny joke. I would love pointers on having things to say in conversations no matter who you are with or what the topic is.

  14. anna says:

    Great Monday!!! YES Y-E-S!!!
    LOVE LOVE LOVE matt..

  15. Stephanie says:

    I took jobs in retail to make me get out of my shell. Its always good to push the limits :)

  16. Elle says:

    Yeah but…. not all introverts are shy and not all extroverts are confident. Introversion and shyness are not mutually exclusive.

  17. Elaine says:

    I’m not boring, I’m shy!!!
    Ok, I must confess that many times I told myself, and friends, that I’m boring. And that I wouldn’t date myself…
    The crazy thing… Is that thinking like this, I have no more problems talking to cute guys! If nothing can happen, than, that’s fine. It’s another human being as anyone else! I ended up just being friends. Which is a safe mode, right?

    As the time passed, I now think that I’m not THAT boring. Work and college made me more extroverted, too. Because I needed! But about guys… Well, I don’t even bother to be interested anymore!

    So… Yes. I’m trying now. You can’t even imagine how many videos of yours I’m watching to motivate myself. You’re really good! And I’m traying to help some friends, into watching all of this too, because they are freaking out…

    Hope someday I’ll go all over… half the world… to London, to tell you in person that I’ve finally found myself and feeling complete. Whether with somebody or not. =)

  18. Dd says:

    I’ve considered myself shy ever since I was a kid. Someone actually asked if I was mute one time. Anyway, what I discovered over the years is that I am the majority of the time an introvert. It just has to do with where you get your energy. But, as I started to reach out to people more and go outside my comfort zone, I realized I get energy from being around people as well. I love what you said about being whoever you want to be in any given moment. No labels. I’m a person…who likes to connect with myself (a lot) & others.

  19. Christina says:

    As I sit here eating my apple & peanut butter watching Matt’s handsome self, I nod my head yes, yes yes! Some days I’m such an introvert & some days, extrovertism reigns in my world. I thrive on the thoughtfulness I experience or the ability to observe when quiet and at other times, the energy I get from being *out there* is exhilarating. And both are beautifully full of emotion…equally.

    Thank you, Matt, for talking about these 2 very important traits.

    XoXo

    Christina

  20. Rhonda Murray says:

    Your videos are absolutely amazing! I must admit I’m one of those that watch but never comment. Sadly I have used the excuse I’m an introvert which I am. but I know what you mean about speaking up or commenting. It’s in everybody to be an extrovert. I participated in toastmasters for awhile to get over my fear of speaking in public. I was a nervous wreck at first but found that I actually enjoy speaking in front of others. I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t taken a risk. Keep posting video’s I’m sure they are much appreciated!

  21. Stephanie says:

    Matthew,

    This is great and I completely agree! I consider myself an introvert but I try to push myself to be an extrovert as much as I can. And I do enjoy it…just in small amounts.

  22. Carrie McPherson says:

    I’m an intervert! and i’m often the one not being shy! It actually really pisses me off when a guy says he’s interested in me but then in conversation I am the one who has to say all the questions because he just doesn’t seem interest and is ways answering with stupid short answers. I hate it! :P

    • Suzanna says:

      As a general rule, when a guy only reply with simple short answers and does not ask anything, he is not really into you. Because otherwise, he would ask you questions to find out more about you.

  23. Masumi says:

    Hi Matt! I love you very much so I’ll be honest, I’m not fun of your hair style at all! Your hair makes me lough. I’m sorry if I offended you but I needed to let you know cause I love you!!

  24. Jessica says:

    As someone who strongly identifies as an introvert…I completely agree with what he is saying. Introverts do need to step up and throw on their extrovert hat every once in a while.

    I’m someone who will literally have a mental breakdown if I’m around people continuously- I NEED alone time to function. But I always try to recharge my battery as best as I can so that when I DO go out, or do go to work, or do hang out with friends, I’m ready to interact and socialize as best as I can. No, I will never be the person standing in the center of the room with all eyes on me and loving every second of it, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be lively and engaging when interacting with someone one-on-one. Sometimes I despise small talk, but I know that not responding to someone is just rude and hurtful. No one likes to talk and then get NO response. So I try to keep that and mind and give people that respect. One thing I do a lot is smile and laugh. If I honestly can’t think of something to say, I give a big appreciative laugh if they said something funny, or I open my eyes wide and saw “awwww!” if they are telling a touching/deep story. That way, even if I’m not terribly gifted at coming up with the right words on the spot, at least the person knows I’m listening, I’m engaged, and that I am friendly!

  25. Cate says:

    I’m not shy if asked to sing in front of people or to say what’s on my mind. But I am way too shy for good when I think I like someone. I went to a conference recently, and realised that I can talk to half the people in the room (people I don’t even know) that night, except him. I don’t carry the mindset that goes “Oh he’s The One!”, but I had trouble walking over to his end of the room and make him notice me =(

  26. Anu says:

    I love it !! Love your advice….Acting shy is not OK, point taken.

  27. Jessica says:

    Do you realize that Western society values extroversion, and introversion is deviant? …Whereas Eastern society is the opposite. Nothing wrong with adapting, but I don’t believe extroversion is inherently better than introversion.

  28. Saba says:

    I’ve been shy since I was a kid and having social anxiety and agoraphobia for the past several years just made the problem worse. I could go months without really leaving the house. I pushed all my friends away. And I work from home so even more excuses to not interact with people yay!

    But I was miserable. So, this year I decided to change my life. I’m getting therapy and I going out. I even started flirting with strangers. People talk to me now, all because I had the courage to smile at them :) I’m still really scared. I get nauseous at the thought of talking to people. I still get panic attacks. So I try to treat it like a challenge, or a test – how many people can I smile at today? Can I strike up a conversation with someone? How many rejections can I get? I’m very logical so it helps to treat social interactions like a game in my head. I’m even thinking of working on public speaking. Basically I figure if I ask myself how many cool people I can meet while doing it, that will help me go out and do it.

    Anyway, thanks for the video. It’s a good reminder for me!

    • Paige says:

      same here. One step at a time. Although I am an natural extrovert, because of panic attacks, ect. I have been an extreme introvert. This video is a great reminder that we choose how to be. Perfect timing Matt, thank-you.

  29. Lerae says:

    So very true!! Being shy is being scared. I have been shy most of my life. I decided to do something about it. I went to school to be a teacher. That was the toughest thing I had to do was stand up in front of …children? What about adults? I felt if I was up in front of someone who knew more about what I was talking about than I did, it scared me stiff. I have over come this. I do not like to sit back in the corners of life and wish I could speak up and let the world know how I am feeling. I had to find my voice. My internal voice. My internal strength. The power I held to myself in fear of rejection. I do not care if I am rejected. That is only one person in a million that do not reject me. When I was a child I was always wanting a friend. As an adult I can care less. As a child I never had friends because I over compensated. As an adult I have many friends because I wont over compensate to win them over. I think I fall back into that realm of shyness(fear) when I am not feeling super about myself and we all do this from time to time. Its just getting back up and getting back out there is what counts. Not giving up.

  30. Debz says:

    Being an introvert means getting your energy during alone time, whereas extroversion is getting your energy by being around people. An introvert loses energy being around lots of people and has to go away to recharge their batteries, an extrovert loses it being all alone and has to go and find some people to get their pick-me-up! I’m an introvert, but when I am with people, I am quite happy to have the attention on me. I’m quite happy being with people, but at the end of it I’m exhausted and just wanna have “me time” for a while.
    I shy person may actually be an extrovert in that they get energy by being around people, they’re just too scared to exert it, because of possible rejection or whatever.
    But you’re right in that essentially shy people need to get some balls.

  31. Elishia says:

    Hi Matt,
    I love this subject matter because I know that it applies to myself, I am shy and obviously scared (believe me im a coward). I would LOVE to be extroverted for longer periods of time and not be scared of new situations – I have been working on this part of me for a little bit over a year now and have seen a few results. So here is my question/problem – It’s nice and dandy to say I won’t act shy or scared, but when it comes down to it, my instincts kick in. Do you have any techniques or tricks for this, because believe me, I would love to be confident in my abilities to go up and talk to guys, to make life decisions and my everyday activities.
    Thanks!
    Elishia

  32. Tanya says:

    I was only able to become an extrovert during college and wish I had done it sooner! I spent all of my childhoid afraid of people and embarrassment. I’m still naturally introverted but I can also become an extrovert in an instant. It’s still a work in progress though. I will only keep improving my social skills :) Great video, Matt!

  33. Catherine says:

    Hello everyone,

    I have recently read a fantastic book called ‘Quiet’ by ‘Susan Cain’ on ‘the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking.’ This is her website: http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/

    I can see Matthew Hussey’s point in the video, but it bothers me that he does not seem to appreciate quite how hard extroversion can be to learn for some introverts. It’s not something that happens overnight.

    Best wishes,

    Catherine

  34. Melanie says:

    Well that was galvanizing!
    Hey Matt!
    I don’t consider myself shy but I have to admit you broke it all down in ways that have me realizing that in certain moments, I’ve allowed fear and self doubt to keep me silent and feeling like a wallflower. Gonna stop that right now. I can’t afford any more lost opportunities. From here on in, when I see someone that interests me, I’ll just think of your rant, laugh and get to it!

    As ever, thank you, cher.

    ~Melanie

  35. Agostinha Jacinto says:

    Wow..Matty u are in a “bad mood”… and really tired..it seems..,but Lucky u, I like u anyway!!!

    Great video, and i think its important for everybody, because being naturally extrovert is rare, and people work hard to improve themselves for work or even for not being shy to meet new people!
    I think im an extrovert but only if i know the person, or with friends or its an easy situation…im a musician and i cant fear to be on stage, i have to deal with it…and i think being shy is the same thing, we have to deal, try every time to improve…!
    but…im really shy when im into someone, or they are just too pretty….or if i feel inferior..
    i have to cut the crap and be better! ^_^ to just meet someone just like u! a pretty guy with brain! hehheeh! :) *

  36. Lenni says:

    Fantastic Matthew! As usual you speak with such clarity tenacity and truth!!! You were kind yet firm, honest yet gentle and that was a good combo!
    I completely agree to all that you’re saying. Though I know in not en introvert rather an extrovert. Yet as you said yourself its good to be able to be both. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s whatever feels natural.

    Big hug!! You’re great!

  37. Lauren says:

    Wow, Didn’t this hit home? :)

    I don’t think i call myself shy or reserved a lot but i was always constantly called it growing up and even now i get told i’m very shy. I guess it’s easy to live up to it, hey?

    Definately needed this

    Thank you!!

  38. Corina says:

    Matt, marry me! How’s that for kicking shyness butt?! ;) lol no, but seriously! :)
    x

    • Lenni says:

      Ha!!! I bet Matthew is getting marriage proposals from left to right EVERY SINGLE DAY! I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already married! Though I’m secretly wishing he’s not.

      • Corina says:

        Well, notice I’m not asking him… I’m telling him! :) I’m going to the Florida retreat in October! SOO excited I’ll actually get to meet him!!

  39. Denisse says:

    I agree with everything you say. It is better to have a combination of both to feel comfortable and have a good time. I feel like I need to work more in having enough courage to talk in front of large groups but when I end up having a presentation, at the end I feel like I have completed a difficult accomplishment!!

    Thank you for everything you do for us and I wish you the best always!!

  40. Kamilla says:

    Nice to see you getting more real with every video. But dont forget the love Matt. Never forget the love. Thats your greatest asset.
    We are all only people in the end and we are trying the best we can, even us introverts. Allthough we allways can imporove of course! I appreciate the journey you’ve made and as a fellow introvert it makes me think “If he did it, why cannot I?”

    Thank Matt for doing what you do!
    xx

  41. Abi says:

    I am an introvert with a strong interest in personal development so I get your point , however , I would have approached this with more compassion. Firstly, some introverts are happy with the way they are in the world and the results that brings them, so who am I or anyone else for that matter, to tell them they are wrong? Secondly, Matthew, if you are truly an introvert as you claim, you BETTER admit that your journey towards acting more extroverted did not come with no blood, sweat, and tears. Fine you got yourself there and I’m happy for you. Others like myself are on our ways there, and will get there out of sheer determination and desire to do so. But for you to ‘rant’ at others? To me that’s not so cool, hence my comment about compassion. First, one has to gain awareness of where they are before they can even begin to think of strategies to address the issue or even to decide if it’s worthwhile for them to embark on the journey or not. You never know what’s going on for other people is what I’m saying, so maybe a little less judgement and a bit more empathy?

  42. jogita says:

    I love you hair and passion…but most of all…the be whoever you want to be!

  43. Hala says:

    This video literally Speaks to me! and I have to say the beginning was Hilarious.
    This is actually the reason why my “shyness” is frustrating me.. I feel as if it’s constantly holding me back from doing all the things I want to do ,from just letting go ..
    Although I like the fact that I’m naturally an introvert and embrace that perfectly, I feel really bad when I can’t change the situations where I end up being boring!
    Nevertheless when I do get to be fun and spontaneous it’s Intoxicating!

  44. Olivia says:

    I love you videos as always matt, always leaves me feeling motivated to step out of my comfort zone and do what my guts tell me i sould in the moment, as apposed to giving into irrational thinking tht tells me i should hold back on doing somthing i want to do in a moment
    Thank you! X

  45. Vikki says:

    From one out-going introvert to another am laughing myself to sleep ;-) Thanks for the magic you bring Mr H! xx

  46. Lara says:

    I cannot thank you enough Matt for all the hard work you have put into reserching this stuff and sharing what you have learnt.
    I’ve bought loads of books, dvds etc to help me sort out what I’m doing wrong, but everyone just pointed out the problems with little help in the how!
    You show us how! with great passion and energy. I came across you in a recorded interview with Michael Fiore and you had me hooked I wanted to learn more and bam
    I’m loving every minute. I’m still in the early stages and so far what you have said is Helping me not only get a guy but more importantly I’m getting a life!!!
    Oh and if you felt you were betraying your fellow man I really think you are doing them a huge favour! it gets better and better!
    Thankyou sooooooooooooooooo much Matt x

  47. Ellen says:

    Matthew,

    Great advice again.
    I love everything you write, also the man myth program, which I discovered recently,
    I most certainly don’t consider myself a shy or introverted type of woman…
    But… The thing is; I often see people react intimidated and even ignorant to an open attitude, good storytelling and a sense of humor…
    And especially when that comes along with rathet good looks…
    How to handle that in my lovelife, or creating one, has often been a struggle..
    I like the idea of ‘change’ and walking an unbeaten track in life, but I often miss just that ‘something’ just to give it more power.. To create true effect, to eventually bring that change to my (quite boring) lovelife!!
    I just had to get thus of my chest!!!
    (And now I’m gonna watch some ManMyth advice!!
    :-)

    My best’
    Ellen

  48. Diane says:

    Wow! That hit home! I am doing that without even realizing it!
    As a personal trainer I am in my element talking to people one on one, but when I was ask to instruct some classes at the University I thought I was going to lose it the night before my first class!!! But I wanted to do this job more than anything so I had to suck it up BIG TIME and figure out a way to be able to stand in front of 100+ college students and start getting them involved in fitness and nutrition. Some how I managed and succeeded!! I NEVER made the connection into my personal life until just now!!!!

    I am boring. Well, I was. :) I got this.
    Thanks

  49. Rumors says:

    It depends!!! I agree in part. I in some degree I love shy people. For me it´s a turn on sometimes. You know, to wait until that person opens to you and know that he/she is talking to you because he/she really feels comfortable with you it´s nice. I´m not saying that other people doesn´t have atrattion for me, it´s just that I like all the kinds of personality. And seeing a guy being shy with you sometimes is really cute.

    • CathyA says:

      Wow! I totally agree with you! When a guy comes up and is very into talking to me, it almost seems as if there’s no challenge there to get his attention. The guy I catch looking at me from the corner, who blushes and clams up when I catch him looking — now that’s a real turn-on! I like feeling there is more going on below the surface that I have to work to draw out as I gain a man’s confidence.

      • Rumors says:

        For me is that I can see all te advantajes that every personality have. In shy people is that you really know when they are open to you that they feel, at least, comfortable with you. A guy blushing is really cute too :)

  50. Karina says:

    Matthew I totally agree with your rant! But how do I as a girl deal with another guy’s shyness? If we have been seeing each other on a few dates and he seems interested but he showed me that he was nervous – what’s your advice?

  51. Christine Walker says:

    People used to say to me “its ok for you, you are an extrovert” to which I used to reply “No, I’m an introvert who tries bloody hard” – over time this became my Assumed Behaviour and I am pretty much this most of the time – but every now and again something catches me on the back-foot and then the Introvert comes back – really annoying but it is what it is….

  52. Alice In Wonderland says:

    I was that shy person who literally shook when I spoke. It was terrifying! Any time I had to talk to someone I would get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. But, when I was in college, I made a concerted effort to get out of my shell. It took a lot of work. Learning to offer an opinion and not cringe and backtrack when someone disagreed was an effort. Or worse, talking, and then regretting it and replaying every thing I said in my mind for the next couple of days and beating myself up for saying something wrong. But now that I’m past that trial, I can say I’m better for it. In groups I oftentimes am one to go to shy people and try to bring them out of their shell, not because I don’t know what it is like, but because I do. I’m still an introvert and need time to my self, but I’ve become this confident extrovert when I’m interacting with others. It’s so weird.

  53. Besi says:

    I agree with you on a lot of things but not on this. I work as a therapist with young people and I’m aware of how crippling shyness can be. A person may want to be extroverted but due to fear about how they may be perceived they struggle to do so. It takes a lot of internal and sometimes external (behavioural therapy) work to have the courage to be extroverted when it doesn’t come naturally. Have you ever seen someone who is so shy that they shake when they talk to people? I have and it’s painful to watch so imagine what it must feel like for that person. The fact that they may choose to be silent instead of suffering in such a way doesn’t make them “boring”

    • Lulu says:

      Then get help or do something about it. The whole point is not to use it as an excuse to stop improving yourself.

      • Besi says:

        Then he should make that clear instead of just saying don’t act shy. That’s too simplistic. As I said people can overcome this with help.

    • Mize says:

      You are talking about shaking, those people are too obsessed about themselves. They have emotional problems, but have not worked hard enough to get personally grown. Those people do not look further then their nose. Too much self-conscience.
      Nobody is just confident by themselves. Those socially people have also trained themselves in personal growth. Don’t underestimate them.
      Matthew is right again. Being bored because you only see your own interest and not wanting to contribute to others growth, only your own. Not only bored, but those shy introvert people are quite SELFISH.

      • Besi says:

        That’s extremely harsh. I’m talking about young people who have very low self esteem and often this is when it begins. This isn’t about being self absorbed; many people are shy for a reason. What I’m saying is that it takes work and to say just act extroverted really diminishes what they’re going through. Yes you can work on being more outgoing but as I said it takes time.

        • CathyA says:

          Besi, I agree. I am an introvert, although those who meet me in one-on-one setting are always surprised to learn that about me, as I don’t come across that way one-on-one. I had a therapist once who seemed intent on curing my shyness by getting me to go do all these highly social things. I felt like she didn’t get what being an introvert is like. It is not something to be cured. Of course we can learn from developing skills that help us connect more easily with others, but that is true for anyone, not just the introverts.

      • Susanna says:

        Mize, what’s up with the harshness? How about some empathy?

  54. Myra Martinez says:

    As always Matt brilliantly stated!! It’s an interesting take. My job doesn’t afford me the opportunity to be shy (Human Resources Generalist). I take challenges head on and must do presentations and training, no problem!!! But damnit when I try to get up the nerve to speak to someone I clam up and start to feel my face flush, then basically “word vomit” haha not literally, but I tend to say all the wrong things…grrrrrrr…flirting techniques and wit not quick enough!!! Hearing your rant gives me hope though and I appreciate all you give to us through your videos because I do learn from them! At least I feel that I’m doing more than your average shy gal. Now to perfect those techniques…can’t wait till your next video!! Much love and “cheers” to Jameson also!!
    Myra
    XXX

  55. Sheila says:

    is it ok that I found that ‘Matthew gets tough’ quite sexy!!!!!

  56. Jennie Walker says:

    Your best most honest video yet! I totally agree with you. Time to put my excuses aside and get extroverted in areas I don’t.

  57. Maren says:

    I think we should challenge Jameson to step in front of the camera as a challenge in extroversion. ;-) It could be the Matt-Jameson role reversal for a day. What do you think? :-)

  58. Pauli says:

    I”m afraid you don’t understand shyness. I’m shy AND boring. And i owe it. You also don’t understand introvert. And if you indeed are an introvert, I am sorry for you. You don’t understand yourself then. You just deny yourself. There is no superiority of extrovert over introvert. Nor the opposite.
    But these two work different and it is not an excuse. Would you say an extrovert uses extroverstism as an excuse to talk all the time? You are doing a lot of great things but you are reaching your limits. Try to learn about things you don’t know about. You don’t have to be an expert in everything. Stay curious and understand shyness and introverted women. Then you will be able to develop things for them that are relevant. I’m afraid this rant is not.

    • A shy but ambiverted woman says:

      I think you Pauli dont understand shyness and introversion. I too am an introverted woman, but my job requires me to be extroverted, our society is an extroverted one so its needed to bond with other people.

      I am also very VERY shy; I can’t look someone I like in the eyes for more than a second, I feel awkward when people try to talk to me and it does come off as uninterested or mean……BUT I am NOT boring because even though I am naturally introverted; I love to be alone with myself, I appreciate solitude very much, and I live in my head most of the time……

      I can also go to a party and mingle with people, I can ask out that guy Ive been eyeing for a while to a lunch date, I can tell a funny joke or laugh at one, and I am very opinionated and do not have a problem expressing myself.

      So this is definitely not an excuse. I think Matt is spot on with this video.
      so like the title of the video says….. you’re not shy, you’re just boring. Don’t use introversion and shyness as an excuse for your boring-ness (if that’s even a word lol!)…. is what I think Matt is saying

      • Pauli says:

        Well, yeah ok, I am boring. I already said this in my fist entry. So what exactly is the added value of your comment?

        If you do those things you say you do, then maybe you are not that shy. If you managed to keep the job you have then maybe you are not that introverted?

        I have found out that the worse thing one can do to oneself is to flight who one is. Many women are not happy with who they are, they constantly ‘work on themselves’ to better themselves. It seems noble but the underlying hissing undertone is ‘I’m not good enough’.

        So after years of working on myself, trying to change etc. I just decided to owe it. Even if it means that I am boring, geeky, shy, introverted… so what? I am happier than ever when I stopped trying to meet some external standards.

        I protested against this video because the only thing it can achieve is make certain people feel bad about themselves, and make them feel they need to change. A valuable advice would be to say that shy and introverted people could try things that work for shy and introverted people (and yes, they do exist!) and not to say ‘start behaving differently, you’re just making excuses for yourself’. It’s cruel and it does not show an understanding of what it means to live with those traits. Mathew’s old videos, when he was not that famous, were much more compassionate.

        And if you really are shy and introverted, I am sorry for you because you have to pretend to be someone else than you are all day long. I would have changed my job long time ago, if I were in your shoes.

  59. Alexandra says:

    This is so right in so many ways. Once you are aware of this your behavior will change immediately! Small steps give big results!

    Much love,
    Alex!

  60. Kooky says:

    thank you hreo for all what you are doing for us . thank you for this video . what i understood is being shy (sometimes) is natural , but acting shy is kind of fear that makes life hard . so i’ve to search deep inside of me and understand my actions that caused by my believes.
    WOW THANKS FOR THIS LESSON HERO

  61. Iphigenia says:

    Dear Matt,
    Its incredible how the words that come from
    Your mouth change me. They transform me into a better person. I admire your power to do that. Thank you so much for your advice! I love you million times much. Keep up with the GREAT work of yours..

    Xxxx

  62. Amber says:

    Thanks so much for this blog. I am an introvert. I was shy for most of my life and am now in my 20s trying my best to develop these skills that your talking about. Do you have any suggestions of where to go to learn? A book, course or a coach who specifically works with helping shy people who want to be different and better than they have been so far?
    Thanks for the insights so far. Have an awesome day. =)

  63. carol paradis says:

    rant on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am a senior and far from being shy… h just so you know….

  64. Maria says:

    I used to be really shy, but two years ago I realized I was acting that way because I was extremely afraid of what people would think of me if I gave my opinion or what they would say to me if I acted a certain way. Now I am still shy, I get nervous when ever I am with people I don’t know or in front of a big crowd where I am everyones attention, but I have learnt that sometimes it is actually fine to step outside your comfort zone, and you know what? Change is uncomfortable but it is way more fun than doing the same things again and again.
    Thank you so much for your videos Matt, I appreciate so much your hard work and your great advice! This one in particular was a quick reminder for me to keep improving myself :)

  65. Joy says:

    just the right push I need at this moment! Your timing cannot be better!
    Thank you Matthew!

  66. Leila Tavallali says:

    Hi Matt,

    How are you doing? You got me, shock me and move me by the comments at the beginning of the video. I watch all of your short movie messages, read the blogs, enjoy and share them with my friends.
    You are amazing and you know it!
    Many thanks for your hard work.
    Have a great week ahead,
    Cheers,
    Leila

  67. Nana says:

    El caso es que….. no se me ocurre nada inteligente que escribirte!!! mayormente, pero igualmente tendría que haber agradecido por lo menos, no??? ahhhhh y no me acuerdo como escibrir bien en ingles así que sorry =(

    • Kooky says:

      lo que ha dicho es demasiado grande. estoy seguro de que le va a gustar a sus palabras aunque no las entendía. porque él es un hombre increíble.

  68. Prapti says:

    So true. I have really learned to be an extrovert where it’s advantageous when out with friends or in group dynamics. I’m still trying to achieve the same confidence in public speaking. I actually get so frustrated when my girlfriends say well “I’m shy” or “I’m an introvert” as an excuse for not interacting. People limit their personal growth due culture brainwashing us into thinking “people should accept you as you are.” No, people should accept the best version of yourself. Thank you for the rant!!

  69. Learning says:

    : ) As always, love your stuff. I do have problems of shutting down sometimes and you are right that it has everything to do with to do with fear.
    I am very excited because I just got over the fear of my Master’s paper and have finished my rough draft and sent it to my instructor. I also have found someone to hire to format it for me, which is actually the thing that was scaring me about it the most. SOOOO, I will finally graduate soon. And so, this is great. I am excited about my future. : ) The simple things are often hard for me and the harder things easy for me. I am very intelligent, and the actual writing and idea part is easy. The boring, nit picky formatting is difficult. : ) That goes with everything in my life. I think the idea is to be real with yourself and figure out what you can do and what you need help with and not be afraid to ask for help. So it is important not to just get shut down with fear of what you can’t do, but concentrate on what you can do and do that and trust that the rest will come to you.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Congratulations! Thanks so much for sharing : )

      x

    • Lana says:

      Heeeey I’m in the same situation right now and have to get over that fear!! I did the things that were much more difficult but this has evolved into a HUGE block for me,mostly for postponing it for so long and lying to myself that I’m going to do it tommorow…so yeah,little things become huge if you let them…untangle the whole mess(which MUST be done)is 1000x more difficult than attacking the problem head on… congrats btw :)and thx for the inspiration

  70. Leecis says:

    Fortunetly, shy is not my issue. I do wish to say that I have misread shy people before as uninterested.

  71. Katie says:

    Hi Matthew!This was an interesting video. I a have always been shy and an introvert. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say to people, and I don’t want to sound stupid. I need to push myself, but I don’t know how.

  72. Dena says:

    Hey Matt,

    In one of your videos you mentioned that story-telling is a skill you can build. I have a tendency to act shy in group situations and would love to be able to cultivate the art of telling a story. Have you any suggestions about how to cultivate this skill?

    Thanks!

  73. Leah says:

    So, I am a self-proclaimed introvert. It’s actually taken me a long time to figure it out, and then come to terms with it.
    After a lot of self-discovery though, I know that introverts are not always shy- shy is a derogatory term used for those of us who, by definition in multiple personality assessments, gain our energy through solitary time; this is opposed to extroverts who gain energy by being around others. So this in turn means that introverts’ energies are drained by being around people for extended periods of time (although the length of time/amount of people varies for each person). Introverts also are much more listeners than speakers.
    So as an introvert, I completely understand that you need to cultivate those extroverted skills. Hell I am an operatic singer and LOVE performing live. But when I’m not singing, I like to relax with a small group or solo. I can listen and not have to exert so much of my energy by talking all the time (or singing!). I can think instead of being overwhelmed by others.

    So finally my problem is this… I am a listener, not a talker. I have things to say, but when I get into a situation with someone I don’t know (particularly men) get tongue-tied/nervous/overwhelmed and then I clam up. What extroverted skills do I need in this situation??

  74. Amber says:

    I was wondering if you were a “closet” introvert. Something you said in one of your videos, about imitating extraverted people was a tip off. Why would you have to imitate extraverts unless you weren’t naturally one yourself? You just confirmed this. Let it never be said introverts are incapable of charisma.

    I am indeed largely an introvert. I have my extraverted moments, and in watching your videos, I’ve since learned that I do nothing but think of myself when I don’t say anything. I’m trying to move outside myself, ask questions and focus on other people. It’s an ongoing exercise and certainly easier in some settings more than others.

    Is it strange that I use your videos to boost my confidence and work on being an all around person? I almost barely use them to (actively) talk to guys. Though your suggestions are certainly making things worlds easier in that department, so if I want to talk to a guy, it’s not impossible. :)

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      It’s all about balance. There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert, but you need to know how be an extrovert when needed. And I don’t think it’s strange at all! It’s amazing, flattering and really a key in meeting the kind of guys you want to meet. If you’re confident in your self and can hold yourself well, you’re correct, it is easier to and will help when it comes to talking to guys as well as other avenues in your life : ) Thanks for the comment Amber!

      x

    • Mize says:

      It is about contribution and not acting introvert and doing nothing socially and have nothing to share. You are cold and not cultivating helpping others instead of staying comfortable in your zone. That is what he means.

  75. Mina says:

    Spot-on, Matthew!

    To any lovely lady here who is shy, I’d highly recommend taking an acting lesson or getting any sort of stage action. If it doesn’t help you be more vocal, it will at least help you with stepping into a role and becoming anything you want to become.

    Greetings to Jameson!!

  76. Milly says:

    Hello Matthew!!

    Thank you so so much for this video reminder .
    Have you ever thought of visiting and bringing your program to SouthEast Asia countries ? Because your program doesn’t just help women in the relationship aspect, but in character building too. :) Love your work!

  77. Tayler says:

    YES!

  78. kara says:

    I LOVED this! It wasn’t so much a rant, as an EXCITING CHALLENGE! BRING IT!! Thanks, Matt xo :)

  79. Addie says:

    “You got that Jameson? That goes for you too” lol… I love when you rant! You bring out so much passion and enthusiasm, really real emotions which people are afraid of. At least that’s been my problem. Just a tad bit of enthusiasm and people have knocked me down and asked me to turn it down a notch. And trust me, I know there’s a fine line and I am very much a introvert than the latter. Yet, now I’ve become super conscious of my upbeat personality to be sensitive towards others space that I’ve become a turtle. I’m over the moon about this video because it really does boil down to little things that don’t get dicusssed in our society these days. I mean, we go around wanting a committed partner for life, yet we don’t have the basics of interacting with one and another. Anyway, now I’ve gone on a rant. But you, fine sir, please rant away, you are exceptional to listen to and also very inspiring. So glad, today I found that random video o you years and years ago on YouTube, been following on your stuff since.

    Much peace, love & happiness,

    Addie :)

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      This is lovely, thank you so much Addie. Your support means the world to me. Glad you found my random video all those years ago too : )

      x

  80. Erin says:

    So spot on, Matt! It’s so true. I think most of my life, people thought I was a snob. And, the former version of me couldn’t even look at a cute guy (as you know). I think the root of shyness is often thinking that what we have to say isn’t good enough, or isn’t worth saying, so we say nothing. And when it comes to being shy around the opposite sex, it’s the same, but it’s a more pervasive “I’m not good enough for him” thing. Thank GOODNESS I got over that (with some help from you) and just said “Hi,” to my now-husband. Ladies (and gents, if you read this), you CAN overcome it and your life will CHANGE.

    xx,
    Erin

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      What a lovely message and story Erin! Thanks so much for sharing and elated to hear about your successes! : )

      x

  81. Lisa says:

    OK…So HOW do we develop those skills? You can rant but you gotta teach too. How did you teach yourself extrovert skills.

    • Erin says:

      Hey Lisa, former big-time introvert here. Literally, you just do it. It’s uncomfortable and scary and terrible at first. But literally, all you have to do is just look at people. Just smile. Just say hello. That’s it. The rest unfolds. It’s only fear that’s stopping you from doing it in the first place, and the only way to get past that fear is to face it and do the opposite of what you’d usually do in the situation. (PS – I went to one of Matt’s weekends and I was the shyest girl in the room. He used me as a guinea pig. The next year, I went to a party and literally thinking of Matt’s words, just smiled and said hi to a REALLY hot guy. Then we started talking. Now we’re married. YOU CAN DO IT!)

  82. clara66 says:

    hi Matt, love your regular pep talks, they keep me focused :)
    A little update of what you have inspired me to do Friday just gone. I was in the same situation as a story I remember you telling, girl gets on same train everyday as a cute guy but cannot talk to him, well after 7 weeks of this, I gave him a cheeky note and asked if he was single and asked him for a drink with my number. Yes it was scary but I was determined. The bad news is, like the girl in your story, he has got a girlfriend already, but the good news is that he has texted twice already, he was very flattered and at least I won’t be shy to properly talk to him on Monday morning coming, and you never know, what will happen next, in the meantime am still looking ;) P.S I used to be shy and never speak but, guess what, I realised if you want to meet new people and find out about them and them about you, YOU HAVE TO SPEAK TO THEM!

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      This is fantastic!! I’m so proud of you! It is scary but you’re right, to meet new people, you actually have to go MEET new people! Keep up the amazing work : )

      x

    • Stella says:

      Hi Clara66, i have to say hat’s off to you lady for writing the note and passing it on to the guy on the train. That is amazing! I have let so many opportunities go by because i was too shy/scared to make the first move, the fear being rejected or being laughed at. Cute guys in the supermarket/gym or out running, i’ve let them all slip through the net because of my shyness…
      I took a chance and texted a guy from work, and lo and behold he never texted back, so now i am mortified to look him in the eye on Monday!…I hope the train guy asks you out.
      xx stella

  83. Bella says:

    Maybe Jamison will be to Hussey what Stig is to top gear.

  84. Oleg says:

    I try to be outgoing as well, I got to the point where a guy who is afraid of talking to women but clearly has more experience than me telling me that I’m not shy.

  85. Stephanie says:

    Thought provoking as usual. Thanks!

  86. Paula says:

    lol I love your personality, it’s as sexy as you are! xo

  87. Anna says:

    and here are the steps of how to cultivate being an extrovert?

  88. Kitryn Marie says:

    I totally agree 100% very well said “rant”!

    Meet Me In St. Louis,
    Kitryn Marie

  89. Rachel says:

    Amen. Just learned that I missed out by a whisker on the 1st job my employer had, due to the other candidate being ‘noisier’ and me being ‘quieter’. Luckily they had a 2nd job… but often there’s no second chance!

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Translates into every avenue of life right?! Thanks for your comment Rachel! Good luck with your job : )

      x

  90. Erin says:

    You are right. I have been told by people that I can come across as uninterested or unapproachable just because of my shyness. I never realized that shyness could come across to people that way. I have been trying to work on not being so shy and to be more approachable. It is hard to completely change when you’ve lived for so long a certain way. I do sometimes use my shyness as an excuse and I’m working on not doing that anymore. I do enjoy your videos and they do help. I know being shy is just a form of laziness, and I don’t want to be that way anymore.
    Thanks for the tough love!

  91. Alexandra says:

    LOVE THIS VIDEO RANT!!! I have been a very shy person for the majority of my life, but I wasn’t always that way and I’m working to get back to being more outgoing. What you’re saying is Absolutely true, being a bit shy sometimes is ok, it’s just not ok when you start hiding behind it.

    Love your videos & your work!

  92. Po says:

    “You hear that Jameson? That goes for you too. *shakes head* Lolol that made me crack up seriously haha ur sooo funny man!!! XD nd normally I would just watch nd do nothing so I decided to “contribute” lol plus I don’t want to be labeled as boring haha XD

  93. Lisa says:

    As an introvert who has an extrovert persona when needed/wanted, I loooooooved this! It was spot on.

  94. Erin says:

    Like your tough love approach here, Matt! ;) This topic definitely hits home with me as I tend to be introverted. It takes a lot of effort for me to break out of my shell in certain situations. I liked when you said that “shy is a pleasant term for being scared.” I haven’t really thought about it that way and probably explains a lot for me as my “shyness” comes out when I’m worried about what someone’s reaction will be to my interaction with them. The fact that you’ve worked to overcome your shyness is definitely an inspiration as I move forward to make changes in this area.

    Thank you! Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

    Cheers,
    Erin

  95. Becky says:

    Thanks for that reminder…I needed it.

  96. Maud says:

    Hi Matt.

    I guess that I should start with something easy – like writing few comments to your videos. Thank you, and I hope I will thank you again in few weeks.

    Maud

  97. Elizabeth Jamison says:

    Excellent – I think your advice is spot on as it always is. I love having a public extrovert persona that I enjoy. I had no idea that you were an introvert, but I believe you. Who would know better – Your practical advice is the best there is. I wish those girls on the Today show would let you have longer segments – I’d watch every day.

  98. Julie Thomas says:

    I get what you’re trying to say here. It was a little convoluted, but I followed you. I’ve battled serious shyness my whole life. I was able to learn how to overcome most of it. A lot of that comes with self confidence. There are times when I overcompensate & am too brash; and there are times when I revert & can’t get a word past my lips – usually when I get insulted or hurt or with someone I’m hugely attracted to. It takes practice, patience with yourself & no small amount of ability to laugh at your own foibles. In a good way. I hear you.

  99. Thirza says:

    Hi Matthew i’ve uploaded my YouTube video again here is the link http://youtu.be/57IFAeJPoAM i Aldi Sended Bie a Message And she Said That she Sended it too you. I dont know if you read it?? But the link in the email doesn’t work anymore this link is Also working. But too read the description in the email is very important. Thnx for watching and i hope you can help me the get me more views or please share it if you want.

    Thnx For everything.

    Lovely Greetz Thirza :)

  100. Rose says:

    Matt ,

    If I would be as handsome as you , I would be more out going as well….
    Its not so easy to do it , I try not to be shy everyday , but its always easier said then done.

    • Kooky says:

      Hi Rose’
      you can be what you want to be not based on your body or your face ,but on what do you believe about your slef.if you believe that you are an amazing person everyone who talk to you or see you will see that you are amazing . what i’m trying to say is you are what do you believe about your self , so you have to have confidence . and by the way you are not shy but you are afraid coz being afraid makes your life difficult not as shy which makes you try to challenge it .
      may your life be like you (lovely)

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