5 Signs You’re Dating a Toxic Person

There are many dangerous qualities of a toxic person, but the worst one of all may be their deceptiveness.

They can be so subtle in their manipulation, you may not even realize what they’re doing to you, until you’re in too deep and they’ve completely eroded your confidence.

I’m not going to let that happen to you.

In today’s video, I take you through the 5 signs you’re dating a toxic person so you know exactly what to watch out for…

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329 Replies to “5 Signs You’re Dating a Toxic Person”

  1. Matthew, I want to start by saying Thank You! Thank you for bringing up this topic. It is not an easy one to talk about and even harder to understand unless you have been in a toxic relationship. I believe that more people need to be educated in the concepts of toxic relationships and be reminded that it’s ok to get out of them. So many people become “entrapped” in toxic relationships and cannot see that they are literally being poisoned by their partner emotionally. They become so lost in the relationship that they cannot see a way out and feel it is their job to fix things, but by so doing they are only feeding their partner and falling deeper into an inescapable trap. This also brings up my feelings that friends and family need to be aware of these toxic signs so they can be understanding and help give the breath of clarity which sometimes is the only thing that can help the person escape a toxic relationship. There is so much more I could say but again thank you Matthew, your words are enlightening and I feel so many people benefit from your strength and knowledge.

    1. Julie,
      All I can say is amen to your words you described the last nine years in your statement of my life. I literally thought I could fix him and felt guilty of I didn’t stay and try to fix him for his four boys. I had to finally come to my senses and realize it’s not my fight its his own to bear and I can’t fix anyone. If only it could of been eight years ago or seven or six but at least I am finally far enough away that he can’t hurt me anymore. Thank you again for your comment.

  2. Hey! Matthew, You’re right in the situations that you already described. I’ve experienced a toxic relationship and It’s really difficult to handle that kind of people. Actually, I had a toxic person in my family and It’s really hard to talk with her, everytime I try to talk or just to show her my point of view about something, she rejects me and treat me in a bad way making me feel guilty of every single thing, knowing her and the way she acts actually I just try to leave her talk and say everything she want to say, when she starts to argue me or yelling at me I just listen to her without saying a word and then she stops after a time. But I really want to make her conscious of the way that she acts… I mean I want to have a good relationship with her a friendly one because she’s part of my family and I care about her, but for me It’s really hard to get close to her when she is constantly treating me bad so my question is How can you handle a toxic person if it’s someone that you can not “avoid”?

    PD: I’m sorry if I had mistakes in my writting, english it’s not my native language, I’m a spanish speaker. You’re amazing thank you so much :)
    Have a wonderful day!

  3. Hi Matthew,

    What a great video thank you. I’ve been in a relationship for over 2 years now and get that exact same feeling if I need to discuss something which may have upset me. I’ve had a few very bad relationships and realise that the insecurities I have are my own to work on and improve. I’ve been open and honest with my boyfriend about the difficulties I experience and he knows I’m really trying my best but Anytime I bring something up in conversation he tells me “I can’t believe this, your getting worse not better” or “no other girl I know would act this way”. It makes me feel really sad as I feel he pushes me away rather than working together. It seems like a childish issue and whereas I accept that he will find other women attractive he feels the need to point out every woman he finds “hot” or “beautiful”, especially his work colleagues or friends but he does it in such a way I feel really low and unconfident afterwards :(. I know I have to seriously work on my self-esteem but am finding it difficult in this relationship to do that.

    Thanks again x

      1. Hi phoebe,

        The thought had crossed my mind but I feel it may make the situation worse and I’d like to come to some sort of resolution if possible. I did ask him how he would feel if I commented on other men and he said he wouldn’t like it but I shouldn’t take it to heart as it’s just something men do. I don’t actually believe that this is true of all men though.

  4. but if they admit that it was a unfortunate situation and he regret not doing sth, but still said thing has been the way it were, he already think that this is for the better up his mind , and just wish we are friends, when he does think and try improve, but he do not want to work anything , and just moved on.

    i almost wish he was a total jerk…. the fact that he admit things could have been different if i did xz and if he did xy is killing me…the past tense make me sad…

  5. Hey Matt,

    Thank you so much for this video. It is one of the best videos of you. It is indeed very important to recognize toxic people in life. You were also right about the fact that it could be anybody in our lives. I personally had a very painful relationship with someone a long time ago and the signs that you mentioned fit right in. For instance, they are great manipulators and the fact that they love you when you are at your weakest point (this always confused me!). Eventually I had to leave that relationship because I got tired and exhausted after trying more than I could because nothing I did was good and appreciated.Thank you for sharing this. I hope a lot of women and men can learn from this video.

  6. Hi Matthew!

    Thank you. Wow! I guess I need to get out as early as possible. The guy I am dating has a lot of insecurities –
    I tried to be friend with his ego but added to his insecurities is being a “complainer”. He’s French ( sorry not generalizing anything). Thanks for making me realize and see these warnings.

    All the best,
    Angel

  7. I think My boyfriend is toxic whenever I am upset about something he turns it around and makes it about him and I end up apologising. He’s often really cold and pushes me away. He’s really nice when he wants my help like money or if he wants me to cook for him but apart from that I always feel unwanted. We are suppose to be moving in together but I’m not sure he lied to me in the past and he recently deactivated his Facebook account I feel like he is hiding something from me. He has also never been there to go to a wedding with me or be there when some ppl in my family died. Every body thinks I should break up with him but I love him with all my heart and I just don’t know what to do.

    1. the things you wrote are exactly like from my life… Its like you have somebody somwhere but in the end of the day you are alone..

      1. It took me nine years and raising my ex fiances four boys to finally realize he wasn’t the one. Run while you can and you don’t have any extra baggage making you stay.

  8. Mathew the very first thing I check when I have new emails is from you.There is always something captivating and seductive about them. I’m in a long distance relationship though we used to cohabit before I got this job. He used to be always acting bitter when I had jobs coming up and declaring that I have to work that felt bitter alwaysreduced my self esteem but now he seems like a good person when I threatened to leave him. I’m confused coz it’s different of him n he wanna make it official. Is it coz he doesn’t want to loose me or is it a trap to get me pregnant?

    1. Rita hi I believe I have never been in an honest to goodness secure loving relationship ever so I’m not an expert per se but I have a lifetime of experiences and girl make sure if you do want to continue your relations with this man that you indeed are on the pill or use some foam just in case etc. Men will always want you more when you threaten to leave if only just to make you fall for them harder and then to dump you. Hope this helped.

  9. Thank you for validating this for me. I don’t date toxic people but I grew up with an entire family that was toxic and treated me this way…. Since I have no contact with my family anymore. When I decided to move to LA to start a new life they told me I would never make it and would fail and come home. Or when I started a business of my own for the first time, I called my mom to tell her and they asked what i was doing to set up the office and I said I was assembling a bookshelf from IKEA… My sister said, “Well thats what happens when you buy piece of shit furniture!”… She didn’t say well good luck or I hope your business is properous No.. Dr Pat Allen calls this from her book “Conversational Rape”…
    It was great how you explained it Matthew. And you are right run away when you encounter people like this, even if they are your family because they will take you down. It took me years to build confidence in myself after a lifetime with my parents and 3 older sisters all treating me this way. Now I am strong and confident and had to release my blood family from my life in order to be in a healthy environment. It has been the best decision of my life. I am so much happier not being around toxic people. It would be nice to have a loving family during the holidays but its better to be alone than with abusive toxic people. Trust me. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.
    Peace JJ :)

    1. JJ, kudos to you for having the courage & confidence to cut your toxic parents & siblings out of your life. I just posted that I’ve been struggling with the same thing for many years with my parents & brother. I’ve cut them out of my life several times, but it’s not what I want and it’s very painful either way (with or without them). Matt’s video and these posts help. All the best in your continued journey – you’re not alone. Stay strong! -Christy

    2. Well said, JJ! I did the same 5 years ago. Cut my mother and my sister out of my life completely and now I have begun at age 42 achieving all the things I dreamed of as a young girl but never had the confidence or support to do. Even when I bought then gifts or helped them out they always had only criticism to offer instead of thanks. It is hard, especially at Christmas and other times you would like your family there but I have never regretted it and my life keeps getting better. The only thing is that after years of this emotional abuse i had to recognise my own enabling behaviour allowing them and boyfriends to hurt me. Therapy helped me to recognise this behaviour much earlier and now I avoid these emotional vultures like the plague.

  10. Thanks so much Matthew you just answered my email and my hesitancy towards the narcissistic man I had to endure nine years of engagement with this video just showed me even if big if he’s not a narcissistic man he’s toxic none the less anyways. Time to move on with my life and I have a date tomorrow.

  11. Thank you so much Matthew for addressing this serious issue. Toxicity diminishes the quality of relationships. I think it’s very important to familiarize yourself with the warnings signs and be aware of the consequences that can happen if you choose to ignore them. I really appreciate you making a video like this :)

  12. Thanks Matt and team for your recent video. This is exactly the issue I’m most concerned about. I’ve had lots of counselling years ago, as my toxic parents were ruining my life and I genuinely didn’t know what love with a guy was supposed to be like. I just kept acting in situations with a guy in the same way my parents acted with me. There was one guy who was lovely and I let him go cause his love and attention didn’t feel right. I now realise it was healthy, great love but I drove him away. I broke his heart, literally (he went on to the gym to forget me, and suffered a heart attack by over doing it). Since then I’ve worked so hard to shed the behavioural habits that I learned from my parents. But find myself now petrified of a relationship with anyone as this behaviour is still evident in me, to some degree.

  13. Ok Matt, you’ve described my relationship with one person in detail. Now tell me pleeeeeeease, how to get out of this toxic relationship in the most civilized way? Not to agonize over the words that I am going to say to that person and not to simply tell him to f*** off?!

  14. I love this video. This video made me reflect upon myself as well as my boyfriend because what if I’m the toxic one in the relationship and doing these things and not seeing it because I only look at what he’s doing. It’s good to see both sides of the coin since we’re both in the relationship.

    1. Hi Michelle,
      I did the same thing and was looking through the posts to see if anyone else had listened on their own behalf too. I scored a little bit of two of the points so I’m giving myself a 1 out of 5 that I don’t feel that fab about but there isn’t a perfect. im willing however to work on those points and that’s the rub, truly toxic people won’t ever, they don’t see a problem.
      It’s so great this post is out there, I hope it inspires many women to realise it’s not them. I was in a toxic relationship for 3 years and am still counting the blessings of every day out of it, healing, strengthening, and breathing a massive sigh of relief.
      Oh so other point, a toxic person can amplify your negative traits and make you seem really bad, so my 1 out of 5 became huge, that’s what they do. Trust your heart, your instincts and don’t try to be perfect. X

  15. Matt, this is one of my favorite videos you’ve ever done!! Thank you so much!

    I’m currently single, mainly because I’ve been through so much in my past with toxic men, and sadly, with my own family. That’s the part that really struck me – how toxicity applies to other people in our lives who ‘love’ us.

    I’ve learned to recognize these signs in men I’ve dated, but now I also see these traits in my parents & brother (and how that cycle repeats in my relationships).

    Point #3 (They make you the root of all evil) was spot on! I’m actually going to use this video to verbalize what I’ve been feeling, but couldn’t find the words to explain.

    Love and light,
    Christy

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