This is article #50 to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.
(Photo: Rosalee Yagihara)
I finally reached my goal of 50 articles today on this blog.
So now seems a perfect time to share some of the most tweeted and popular quotes from the articles on this site.
One great benefit of combing through my old articles was the ability to see certain patterns and pet topics that came up again and again over the year.
Whether you’re a brand new reader or have been here since last year, this should provide a handy reference guide for some of the main ideas I’ve covered in my pieces so far.
On Meeting Guys
1. There are two routes to attracting more guys into your life: (A) Meet more men, (B) Enjoy being single more. These tend to go hand-in hand.
2. Most people’s problem isn’t that they lack proximity to good potential partners, it’s that they don’t take the opportunities in front of them.
3. Go for Low-Risk, Low-Investment conversation – make lots of small, low-pressure conversations everywhere and it will feel much easier to talk to strangers (e.g. “Which coffee is good here?” “Any books you would recommend?” “Where’s fun to go out in this part of town?”)
4. Start conversations not because you have to, but because life becomes infinitely more fun when you do.
5. Be easy in the first 20 seconds of conversation. It takes a lot of balls for any guy to approach you. Give him a chance.
6. Guys rarely approach the most attractive girl in the place; they approach the girl who is attractive AND approachable. Make eye contact, smile, be friendly with people around you, lose the intimidating stare, and guys will be MUCH more inclined to come over.
7. Be unselective about who you meet, but be very selective about who you invest emotion in.
On The Male Ego
8. The Male Ego is not a muscle. If you break it down, it doesn’t get stronger. It’s more like a nervous cat. You scare it away, and it will attach itself to someone else.
9. Men wrap their self-esteem in being able to impress you and be admired by you. Be impressable. If you’re with a guy, admire him (if this sounds too false or contrived for you, stop dating guys you don’t admire).
10. But remember: Admiration does not mean passive submission.
11. If you call him names like “lazy” or “hopeless”, he’ll feel like you’ve given him a label that he can’t change and won’t feel motivated to be any better. You’ll just make him feel like a failure. Two big parts of relationships working are (a) having needs you both want to fulfil, and (b) communicating those needs in the right way.
12. If you want him to do something different: Show appreciation and love him first, then tell him what you need from him. Be firm, but show him he’s loved.
13. Kissing and being tactile are huge encouragements for a guy. The more you use them, the better.
14. Saying “I understand what you’re saying” before you disagree with him will always make him more inclined to consider what you’re about to say.
15. Strong, confident men need your admiration and support just as much as anyone else. Him being confident doesn’t mean he can do without your confidence in him.
16. Love isn’t a reward for good behaviour, it’s what inspires good behaviour.
17. If you being happy with him is conditional on him changing, you’re with the wrong guy.
18. It’s not good enough to be amazing 20% of the time and difficult and negative 80% of the time. If you can reverse this ratio, you’ll have better relationships forever. Research proves that a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions is ideal.
19. Most couples do nothing but complain to one another: about their work, their friends, each other. Limit this as much as possible.
20. Impressing your partner never stops being important.
21. If something is bugging you for more than a week or two, have a conversation about it. Burying makes it worse.
22. Your lifestyles don’t have to be the same, but they do have to be compatible. Find someone who spends his time in ways you approve of already.
23. Men love these four traits in women: Independence, Playfulness, Nurturing, and Sexual Confidence. You don’t have to be all of these things all the time, but you do have to show each of them some of the time.
On Being In The Friend Zone
24. If you’re in the Friend Zone, you need to add sexual chemistry…
25. …like knowing the difference between “nice” and “flirty” actions.
26. Nice = Slapping his arm and saying “hey buddy”
Flirty = Giving his bicep a squeeze and a lingering touch on his back when you walk past him.
27. Nice = “That coat looks cool”
Flirty = “You look hot in that. Wow.”
28. If you’re in the Friends-With-Benefits zone (i.e. sleeping together but he doesn’t want commitment), you need to add connection and respect.
On First Dates
29. Start with curiosity – don’t focus on trying to ‘catch him out’ or test what kind of guy he is. He’ll reveal that himself through his conversation and actions anyway. Just focus on having fun.
30. Put aside any grand theories you might have that “all men are douchebags” and give him a chance. There’s no bigger mood-killer than a girl who brings years of emotional baggage with her and expects a man to change it.
31. Invest first, then see what comes back. Not much, just a little. You can always back off later. Be open to something incredible happening, even if just for one date.
32. Ask questions that give him permission to open up emotionally – e.g. “what was the hardest thing you did last year?”, “how did you feel when you ran that marathon? Was the training hard?” “If you could only eat one kind of pizza for the rest of your life, what would it be?” (I have strong emotions on this last one)
On Getting Him To Understand Your Needs
33. Mr. Right will want to spend his life fulfilling your needs, but he has to know what they are first.
34. Great guys aren’t defined by always knowing your needs, but by always striving to satisfy them.
35. Call him out when he’s being a jerk. Guys often have no idea that they are upsetting you.
On Being A Challenge
36. ‘Being challenging’ doesn’t mean putting up endless obstacles he has to get over. It means being exceptional enough that he wants to live up to your standards.
37. One of the sexiest combinations: A woman who shows DESIRE without DEPENDENCE.
38. Guys LOVE attention, affection, and being prioritized. But they want to feel like they have earned that status.
39. If you show a guy immediately when he acts that you won’t stand for disloyalty, unkindness, or him taking you for granted, it makes his brain notice “Ah, this is the standard I have to reach”.
40. If it’s ever a choice between being liked or being respected, choose being respected. It’s nearly impossible to be attracted in the long-term to someone you don’t respect.
On Being A Realist
41. You can charge head-first into love but still keep your life in order. Don’t believe the propaganda that it’s somehow romantic to give up everything else important in your life for one person.
42. Don’t fall for a guy just because he is a high-achiever and a generally good guy. The question is: Is he a good guy to you? He might love his mother, but he also has to love you.
43. Narcissists are usually envious, uninterested in your life, and never apologise for being wrong. All of these traits in a man should set your alarm bells ringing. Be real. He won’t change. At least not for you.
44. About 80% of the battle is choosing the right guy in the first place. Know your standards – which ones matter and which ones don’t.
On Unrequited Love
45. Love is manic enough. Let alone spending it on people who don’t even love you back.
On Things You Didn’t Know About Men
46. Men dream of meeting a woman who they can be vulnerable with who won’t see them as ‘weak’ or ‘less of a man’. Also, a woman who reads good books. And a bunch of other ordinary things.
47. True confidence is being able to be open about your weaknesses, being able to praise others, and being able to serve other people’s needs as well as your own.
On Holding Back
48. Know what conversations you can save for another day (and never tell a woman you wrote a dating book on the first date).
49. Don’t overstay your welcome. Always leave them wanting just a tiny bit more…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
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20 Replies to “50 Ways To Hack Your Love Life in 2015”
Great article :)
What a great compilation of all the articles you wrote its like you summed them all up! I love it!! Looking forward to what comes next in 2015!!
Great article summarising everything we often need to be reminded of.
However, regarding no.18, I understand what you’re saying but a 80:20 ratio is 4:1 not 5:1. Good effort though! ;-p
Here’s to a great 2015, guys! X
It actually melts my heart if a guy can open up to a vulnerability to me knowing he will not be judged to be less manly. I think it shows a level of connection that can only be good. And crikey I have really taken to heart over the last year to be careful with the male ego. I thought about it and I think it’s actually very unfair of us women to expect to be lavished with praise and compliments all the time without ever or automatically thinking men would want the same. To feel valued and loved. I do agree a high level of kissing and being tactile is very important. It’s not just about the sex all the time, it’s the everyday intimacy and closeness. Although, in line with your comment about admiring a man, you need to find a man to admire and that you want to be kissing. You can feel very attracted and like someone a lot and still not want to be kissing a lot. Probably best to find one you do!
Thank you for summing up all the best and most popular points. They are full of such wisdom, wit and great advice. It was quite surprising sometimes how much certain topics resonated with a lot of people.
Congratulations on your 50th blog piece, you must put so much work into it all. We really do appreciate it and long may it continue.
It’s been a shocking day and thank you for this lovely area of sanity that’s nice, positive, friendly, a place of calm in a mad world.
ps. Mine’s a Diavolo!
Happy New Year Stephen! Thanks for the article!
But, where is number 50?????
Great reminder. Actually, it made me feel like going back reading some of the previous articles.
I should also print this post out and keep it on my wallet. Might be handier.Very relevant.
Really looking forward to reading your next articles. Number 100 will arrive faster than expected my dear…
All the best and talk to you next week!
#8 was great! Been there done that….cat jumped never came back…lesson learned
http://youtu.be/BjgdmDCrzTY How to hug a cat—eye contact and treats help. Joking….
Great insights here. However, #48 I don’t agree. I have to say….the girl for you should dig that you write these types of books! Okay, maybe that is a conversation for the 2nd date. wink wink Then again, just email her links to your blog. That should set her on fire! Okay, maybe just tell her after you are married. Wait! it won’t matter – #42
Brilliant – thank you!
Congrats Stephen on your 50th blog! That’s so awesome!
Love this one and going to print it off for my personal reference, things I need to continue to strive for. Particularly #7, 23 and 25- 27. Areas I need to build confidence in or will be cursed to remain the “best friend ” instead of the “leading lady” ! ;)
Thanks again and really looking forward to blog #51 and beyond!! You so rock!!
All the best!!
Congratulations on the 50th article. I don’t think you could have planned a better way to write this article. It is the perfect way to sum up all your articles that you have written for the GTG website to this point in time.
Thank you and have a lovely weekend.
Ps: I have always wanted to ask you the following question, what made you want to be a writer and why?
I’ve only started reading your articles 3 days ago so this article really suits newcomers like me. It’s very encouraging and all straightforward, and that’s what I like most about the way you write your articles.
I am really looking forward to hearing more from you whether it’s via Twitter or articles on here.
More power and success to you!
Brilliant. Thanks for these life hacks. Love them! I´ve started a new practice recently–dorky, but effective–of writing down a “permission slip” for myself every day on a sticky note. I write down one thing I want to do that day that helps me move towards some thing I am working on.
This clever list of yours is making it to 50 of my days this year. Its perfect, short, one do-able practice every day. Thanks for your useful and effective ideas. Happy new year, to you and the whole team :).
Thank you! Your advice goes beyond a relationship with one lover;I learned how to interact and get what I want in every area of my life!
So Happy 50 article anniversary! Thanks for all the great articles you have done so far they are great advice to use when trying to find that right guy. Now you have me intrigued if there was only one kind of pizza you could eat what would it be? Anyways thanks Stephen and I look forward to the next 50 articles!
#1-49 woow! your genes is far beyond amazing! ;) and #50 do completes it-impressive.that DNA should be passed on…believe me;)lol
Made me think of an interesting analogy. Being executive headhunter for many years I often told clients – chose well, all the rest is doable than. Choose poorly, ask God for help, a human can’t do it.
Same here, no? :)
The trick however is here ->
1. companies can, with help, describe the ideal candidate. He/she does exist, but most clients can’t stand something so good. They (self) sabotage.
2. -> few that do stand excellency, have AAA candidates standing in line. They also have BBB and CCC and DDD candidates standing in line.
The lesson -> be extraordinary, stand extraordinary and select well. People do not self select well into your circle.
This is awesome advice, the entire blog is some of the most realistic and insightful advice on life and dating I’ve ever seen/read!
That being said, I would love to know your thoughts on attempting to start to build a relationship long-distance. I am interested to know from your perspective, does the rule “he’s just not that into you” apply if he says that it’s incredibly difficult to build a relationship in this situation and the only thing holding him back is the distance? (and he is holding true to his perspective and not initiating any communication) I consider myself to be a very realistic person so I definitely would agree that it’s the in person interaction that builds connection. In the process of letting a situation like this go I just don’t want to have overlooked an obvious truth.
Thanks and congrats on 50 posts! :)
“The Male Ego is not a muscle. If you break it down, it doesn’t get stronger. It’s more like a nervous cat. You scare it away, and it will attach itself to someone else.”
I get this statement and appreciate it. I’m a female and always thought men were extremely confident. Hence, I treated them as if they were viscous pit bulls.
To no avail..
You guys are not pit bulls.
Treating the male ego like a nervous cat makes sense to me.
I have helped nervous cats become acclimated to humans.
I didn’t realize how much courage it takes to be a male human + how scared you guys are.
I get it now.
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