I’m sure you’ve heard over and over that “confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in dating.” But when you think of that word, what actually comes to mind?

In today’s new video—a conversation with the amazing violinist, songwriter, and dancer Lindsey Stirling—we get to the meat of that question and define what confidence means to us.

Lindsey:

Confidence. I feel like that is the most attractive thing about a person. I think you say that in your book. It’s something that we hear over and over and over, that the most attractive thing you can ever wear is confidence. And so I want to hear from you, what does confidence look like? Because I think a lot of us kind of see a specific person or a specific type when we think of confidence. But from you, what is it?

Matthew:

Yeah, I suppose there is a kind of caricatured version of confidence, which is just someone who is very bold, quite outspoken, occasionally, I suppose, just gregarious. We think of someone who’s very outgoing. I think that isn’t a true definition of confidence. The dictionary definition of confidence is a feeling of certainty about something. And of course, that doesn’t necessarily imply good or bad. We can feel secure right now having this conversation because I’m certain that the ceiling isn’t about to fall on my head. That’s just a feeling of certainty that gives me a level of comfort and ease. I can have a feeling of comfort right now because I’m certain that I can have this conversation with you because I’ve done a lot of public speaking in my life over the last 14 years and therefore, feel a sense of comfort and certainty about my ability to do this.

So there is a kind of confidence that comes from certainty, and in a lot of areas of our life, certainty can come from competence, from having done something a lot and being good at it. So you are of course, extraordinarily competent on stage, Lindsey, and therefore, there’ll be a level of confidence that you have when you take the stage, which importantly, doesn’t mean that you have no nerves before you step on stage, which you may or may not. You can tell me. But it doesn’t mean that you have no nerves. It just means that when it really comes down to it, you do have a feeling of security on stage because you know, I’ve been here before, I’ve done this before, I know how to do this.

Lindsey:

Yes. I love that. And when you just say it’s a sense of, wait, what was the definition you said? I lost it already.

Matthew:

A feeling of certainty about something.

Lindsey:

A feeling of certainty. It really does take it into a whole different perspective. And it kind of makes you realize that you don’t have to be any sort of personality type in order to be this confident. But we all kind of immediately go to think of a certain kind of person. But it’s like, no, you can be silent and show confidence. Confidence doesn’t need words. It doesn’t mean to be a certain personality type. And like you said, I love that you said you can be nervous and be confident, because I still do get nerves every time before I go on stage. And I literally stand backstage and do what I know I need to do, my deep breaths, and I visualize really quickly, and I remind myself that I’ve warmed up, I’ve done everything I need to do to prepare. And like you said, I’ve done this before. And so it is kind of like, wow, you can be nervous and be confident. You can be shy and be confident. And any personality type can have that sense of attractive confidence that we all want.

Matthew:

Yeah. And that’s exactly right. And it’s important not to … If we change what we need to feel certain about, that can be a great help. If you say… if before I go on stage I try to get certain that everyone is going to agree with me, that’s a problem because I’m basing my certainty on something that I cannot control. And therefore, the confidence I have is going to be very flimsy. If I base my confidence on the certainty that I really am going to go out there and show these people that I care, that’s going to give me a different level of confidence because now it’s not about making everyone like me. It’s about actually demonstrating that my intentions are really good, that I genuinely care about helping people today, and that I’m going to do everything in my power to do that while I’m on stage.

In a relationship, if our certainty has to come from, I’m certain that this person will never hurt me, then we’re always going to be looking for reassurance because we never can be fully confident that someone is never going to hurt us. We hope that we’ve chosen wisely. We can make sure that the evidence of the relationship suggests that this person has our best, you know, has our interests at heart and isn’t going to go and hurt us recklessly. But we never know for sure. And a lot of people never feel safe in a relationship because they’re basing all of their confidence on needing this person to guarantee that they’ll never leave or never hurt them. And then we’re looking every day for reassurance. Did you mean what you said yesterday? Are you really going to stay with me? Are you really never going to cheat on me?

We can never get enough reassurance and reassurance always needs to be topped up. Whereas, if you base your certainty in a relationship on the idea that, you know what? I’ve always been okay. I have had relationships that have ended and I’ve survived and I’m still here. If this person, God forbid, cheats on me or hurts me or leaves me, I will still be okay. In other words, my certainty can come from my ability to handle difficult situations, not on difficult situations not happening. So that’s a nice little hack for confidence is instead of trying to get confident about something you can never be certain of, just change the focus of where you’re looking for certainty, and you can immediately be more confident.

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Hey guys, before you leave the video and thank you for watching the video by the way. I just wanted to tell you one final time there are only a few days left on the Virtual Retreat early bird tickets. They’re only available until the end of the month. For anyone who doesn’t know, I have a 3-day immersive coaching program happening in March. It’s live, it’s virtual, you can attend from home, from wherever you are in the world. But I know of no greater coaching experience for your confidence, for your mental health, for your emotional health, your ability to manage difficult situations in your life, your ability to reframe your life. Even the difficult stuff, even the stuff where you’re like these are my biggest challenges right now, that I’m struggling with every day that I’m suffering with. Changing the way we see them and changing the action we’re taking in the present. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever created and I want more people to experience it. I want you to experience it. Visit MHVirtualRetreat.com, I will see you over there and I will have my team on hand to book a call to answer any questions you have on how the Virtual Retreat can help you personally. That’s MHVirtualRetreat.com. I’ll see you there and in the next video.