(Photo: Brad Fults)
Do you have to be perfect to be a high-value woman?
I can see why you might think so.
On paper, the traits of a high-value woman seem like an intimidating list: Be certain, be independent, show integrity, be sexy, be feminine, be playful, and enjoy watching the occasional Marvel comic-book movie.
Tall order, right?
You might wonder if a woman is allowed to have any weaknesses at all.
Is one chink in your otherwise formidable armour going to cause you to blow it with a guy? Will your boyfriend spot one personality flaw and conclude instantly that you must not be “The One” and start to lose interest in you as a partner?
Today I want to look at what counts as a weakness, how to own your minor flaws without letting them hold you back, and how to allow yourself to be vulnerable and show weakness in front of your guy in a way that won’t turn him off:
1. Don’t confuse blemishes with weaknesses
Your hair isn’t as full and shiny as you’d like it to be?
Your teeth aren’t as straight and white as the fashion models in magazines?
Your big toe is slightly crooked and stubbier than a cocktail sausage?
These aren’t weaknesses, these are blemishes.
And if you keep reminding a guy of these tiny body anxieties, it’s going to wear thin quickly. Excessive focus on your physical worries will also distract you from more important parts of the relationship (like having incredible sex, or swimming naked in the sea together).
Bottom Line: He’s not going to care about your tiny imperfections.
These just aren’t worth talking about. If you harp on about them to excess, he’ll just wonder: “Why is she so concerned about this? I didn’t even notice it.”
There is communicating a weakness, and then there is moaning about a minor imperfection. Make sure you know the difference.
And remember: Every guy has a ton of these anxieties he freaks out about too: his skinny arms, his penis size, his receding hairline, his body hair (too much or too little), his pudgy stomach, his shortness, his awkward third nipple, his nose hair…things you’re probably not even concerned about!
So relax, we all have them.
2. Stop faking perfection
If you’re ever going to feel confident about your weaknesses, you first have to accept their existence.
This means giving up your fantasy of having a flawless personality.
Too many people assume being a strong person means denying that there are things they struggle with.
They try so hard to be untouchable, to smooth over every possible vulnerability, that they lose the essential charm that makes them adorable and human in the first place.
You’ll see this trait in women who pretend to be over-the-top happy all the time, who arrogantly assert their ability to take on everything, or who pretend to have achieved more than they actually have. All with the intention of showing what a ‘strong and confident’ person they really are.
But faking perfection is the opposite of strength.
What is truly attractive is a woman who is aware of her character flaws, but knows how incredible she is anyway.
The sooner you become self-aware, the sooner you can let go of trying to be perfect all the time and just own your weaknesses, instead of spending your time and energy denying they exist.
3. Make your flaws seem like no big deal
If you must talk about your physical imperfections, do it in a way that says these things are not a big deal to you.
When you act as if your flaws are life-crushing, upsetting, deeply troubling problems, your guy is going to wonder whether he could have an easier time with someone happier.
Guys aren’t scared of imperfect women. They are scared of unhappy women. Men are terrified of being with someone who needs to be carried through life, the girl he thinks will never be satisfied.
So if you tell him you have some weird phobia, or you feel insecure about your skin, or you don’t like the shape of your nose, tell him it in a way that shows your happiness doesn’t depend on it.
Bring up your imperfection casually.
For example, you might say: “I’m going to see a dermatologist about my skin next week. I’ve had bad skin since I was a teenager and want to see if they can prescribe anything for it.”
Say this in an offhand way, as though it’s just something you’ve scheduled without much thought.
He doesn’t care that you want to improve your looks or fix some perceived flaw. But he’ll feel happier knowing that you don’t treat it as a big deal.
If you show him your perceived flaws don’t affect you, then they won’t affect him either. He doesn’t really care about the flaw. He cares how you feel about it.
The truth is, if he’s with you, chances are he loves every inch of your skin exactly as it is and wonders why you’re fussing about it in the first place.
4. Show that you are working on your weaknesses
Everyone’s weaknesses are different.
Some are physical, some are emotional, some are based on us feeling like we lack some essential skill or ability that would make us feel more confident.
The important thing is not to make your weakness look like helplessness.
If you show you are taking action towards dealing with your weaknesses, they lose their power over you, and you seem more attractive for being the kind of person who is able to take care of herself.
For example, on a date, you can talk about weaknesses in a cute way. You might say: “I’ve been asked to speak at my sister’s wedding and I’m awful at giving speeches. I’m petrified. I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’ve started doing these public speaking classes to get myself prepared. I know I’ll be ready on the day, and I’ve just about learnt the speech, but it’s still so daunting right now!”
See here how you can express a lack of confidence but still come across as positive and in charge of the situation?
You are showing a weakness, but you’ve also shown that (a) you’re doing something about it, and (b) you are not crumbling in the face of fear.
Now you’ve shown him that you’re the kind of person who doesn’t let a weakness hold you back, which is 10 times more confident than avoiding things you’re afraid of.
Bottom Line: You can turn any weakness into a strength if you show you are not going to let it defeat you.
5. Make him feel good for being able to take care of you
So far I’ve talked about how you feel about your weaknesses in general.
But what if it’s not about a specific weakness? What if you just happen to feel weak on a particular day and need to be vulnerable for a while with your guy?
Maybe you’re not feeling at your best, you’ve had a horrible day at work, and you just need to feel like your guy has your back.
This is easy.
Just communicate your weakness in a way that also makes your man feel needed and loved.
Give him a big kiss, wrap your arms around his shoulders, and say: “I’ve had such a tough time these past few days. I really need you to comfort me and make me feel loved tonight. Getting these job rejections has made me feel so insecure. I just need to be in your arms right now”.
Now your guy feels like he gets to take care of you. He feels like you need him, instead of him feeling like you’re just venting your insecurity.
6. Be insecure for ONE day a week, rather than seven
No guy wants to be with a weak and vulnerable woman seven days a week.
Most boyfriends have no desire to turn into your father, or your permanent counselor whose job is to guide you through all your problems, listen to you vent on a daily basis, and constantly soothe you out of your bad moods.
Too much of this becomes exhausting and makes a guy resent the burden of the relationship.
The best thing to do in those moments when you’re feeling weak, insecure, or vulnerable, is to remind him that you’re only feeling this today.
A guy doesn’t mind you being insecure for a night. He doesn’t mind cradling you in his arms, stroking your hair and telling you everything will be ok if it happens once a fortnight.
What makes a guy pull away is if he thinks he’s going to face this insecure version of you every single day.
So when you feel upset or weak at any moment, you can reassure him: “I’ll be fine tomorrow. I know it’s silly – I just really need to feel loved and cared for by you tonight. Can you just cuddle me and tell me it’s all ok?”
This makes him understand that this is just how you’re feeling in the moment, instead of it becoming the theme of your relationship.
7. Be self-aware when your weaknesses get the better of you
What about if you suffer from a weakness of personality and it has a tendency to ruin your good time?
For example, take jealousy.
Jealous behaviour is natural and human, but some of us are more irrationally jealous than others.
If you know you’re the irrationally jealous type but just can’t help it, the best thing you can do is show him that you’re aware of your irrational behaviour.
Suppose you’re out with your guy, you see him casually chatting with a girl, laughing at her jokes, and it makes you angry. You feel in a bad mood with him for the rest of the night; and he’s at a loss as to why you’re so being so short with him.
Later you tell him about your jealous feelings and how it upset you.
This is the kind of thing that can lead to a big argument and lots of resentment.
But what if you showed in that moment that you were aware that your jealousy was unfair?
What if you just said: “Look, I know it’s ridiculous of me to have gotten so jealous just because you were talking to that girl. I know you were just being nice. I love you and I want you to be free to talk to people and not feel worried about how I’m going to react. I’m sorry – I don’t want to be a jealous person. It’s something I’m working on”.
If you say that, he’s going to instantly feel that he gets where you’re coming from.
Even if he disapproves of your behaviour, you’ve now shown him love and shown that you’re aware of your own weakness, which makes him feel safer for knowing that you know it’s not an ok thing to do.
Of course, the ideal scenario is for you to not get mad in the first place, wait until later on, and calmly tell your guy about your jealous feelings (again, in a way that isn’t overly emotional).
But at least now you have a plan for those times when you drop the ball and don’t live up to your best standards ;)
* * * * * * * * * * * *
At the risk of rounding off with a cliché here, your flaws are what make you who you are.
When someone falls in love with you, your blemishes and imperfections are usually part of the package that make you perfect in his mind.
A high-value woman doesn’t hide her weaknesses. She shows that she is either: (a) comfortable with them, or (b) working on them. If a guy sees either of these, you are high-value in his eyes.
Guys don’t need to be hidden from your weaknesses. The truth is, when you’re desirable, sexy, and interesting, he won’t care about the odd bad mood, the strange phobia, or your minor physical imperfections.
It doesn’t mean you stop working on yourself: that’s a life-long project that’s important whether you are in a relationship or not.
But learn to make peace with your flaws. The only unforgivable weakness the one you allow to take over your life.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
To Follow Steve On Twitter For More Updates Click Here
53 Replies to “7 Ways To Communicate Your Weaknesses To A Guy Without Turning Him Off”
Stephen, this was, Great article quite enlightening and you touched on some situations that are real for women. I plan on sharing this with my gals.
Appreciate it Cecilia x
Very enlightening !! Thank you!! As always, a pleasure to read :-)
Thank you Lorine! x
Thanks for this awesome article! It was just what I needed. I had one of my clumsy days, he laughed at it, but I laughed at them to and made fun out of it aswell. Later on I thaught about whether I did the right thing. I wasn’t bothered by it, this is me and I embrase myself as I am.
I’m also very glad to hear how to share my weaknesses..! Need to be more open and share, but I’m wondering how. And letting him know this is a temperary thing, is very clever! Big thanks for sharing this!
I’m sorry Stephen, I’ve made your name a Dutch one..
Thanks Tamara – yep, if it’s temporary and he says you are working on it, a guy can deal with weakness now and then.
Excellent! Great insight!
This is one of your best, classic articles which gets better with each reading. New meaning can be found and thought about. I’m feeling a bit vulnerable and emotional today, having watched the film Big Hero 6. You and Matt talk about thinking about how you can make each day count and the film explores this. And the legacy we leave behind, and brotherly love, in such an unexpected and moving way. I was blown away.
Great article Steve, Kathryn x
Oh thank you Kathryn, so nice to read that. Big Hero 6 is definitely on the list already, don’t worry about that!
lets not forget to teach women how to TEACH men how to deal with them ;)
Those moments when we need comfort, rather than feel frustrated when men aren’t reading our minds we need to let them know:
1)that we’re actually upset. Cry ladies. Men don’t understand stoic
2) instruct. For gods sake, instruct! “You need to put your arms around me and tell me everything will be okay”
3) keep in mind this isn’t what you lead with, this is AFTER following Stephens advice, and reserved when all else is failing that day
4) enjoy the benefits of being with a man who now feels like a man
Instructing a guy to tell him how to take care of you–that seems to unromantic to me. Why would anyone want to be with a guy who is that clueless? And I thought guys didn’t like being told what/how to do something. I didn’t get this one.
If you’ve ever sat beside someone crying and wondered “what should I do right now”, it would probably nmake more sense…I think guys feel helpless when women feel emotional at times, and letting them know how to comfort you helps them feel accomplished in that moment.
My husband is the most amazing man a woman could ask for. What helped was me letting him know how. He’s far from clueless, runs a million dollar business and has managed to properly co-parent two kids into awesome teenagers while managing a wild woman like me.
I don’t mind communicating my needs because I don’t expect men to read my mind. I love my journal too, but when I need a hug I have the strength to ask for one
Awesome list Chantal!
Thank you Steve :)
Thanks Stephen,this is very insightful and answered a lot of my questions. thanks again!!
V pleased to hear that Marianne. All best to you.
Just wanted you to know that it was a good decision for you to publish your articles on Wednesdays. Checking this blog has become a mid-week habit and a stress reliever for a busy week. Your work is much appreciated. :D
Wishing you’d keep writing,
Love hearing that Pinky. Thanks! :)
This statement made the strongest impact on me:
“Guys aren’t scared of imperfect women. They are scared of unhappy women.”
This is very important. A woman can’t do anything about many of her imperfections, but being happy is in her control.
Absolutely. Thanks Victoria! :)
This is a really good post. Thank you :)
I’m the type of girl who finds it hard to be vulnerable as I try to be independent and not rely on a man for everything all the time. I don’t get vulnerable straight away, not until I fully trust someone.
I’m going to give your tips a real try. I’ll practice being open about my feelings and fears. I like what you said about talking about weaknesses but showing you are doing something. Guess it proves to the guy that you aren’t using him as a crux.
Yes, exactly! Good luck with it Lucy – thanks for being open enough to give the tips a try!
A lot of these points are so true! Forget about what appeals to guys..in general, this really works.
I used to be that girl who would whine about every imperfection–real or perceived. Even when I wasn’t venting, this tape would constantly run in my head about how awful every little stupid thing about me was and that would affect my behavior and attitude in general. I couldn’t laugh freely or let go and enjoy myself sometimes. The worst was comparing myself to others where I obviously fell short and then beating myself over it.
I would try to improve myself but end up feeling frustrated with the lack of results. You see, you can’t always completely change who you are. My ugly nose will remain ugly and no plastic surgery can guarantee that my face will look perfect. So some flaws can’t ever be fixed and you have to deal with that.
I don’t know about guys but I definitely made myself miserable. And bored. And I saw all these other people who I thought were much worse than I was having tons of fun and being happy despite their flaws. I was so envious of their freedom and happiness. And I got tired of it all.
And so, I decided I would accept my flaws just the way they were. I realized I could work on them but my happiness couldn’t depend on getting rid of them. I found it hard to see myself as “awesome even with the flaws” or tell myself stories about how my eyes really were pretty when they simply weren’t etc. So I just accepted myself exactly as I was and it was just too bad I wasn’t perfect. I didn’t even bother with telling stories or trying to be “positive” or see my “beauty” and awesomeness.
And just like that –that was the end. There wasn’t any magic trick or pill. I just reached the end point of exhaustion. I dropped the habit of constantly berating myself in front of others–including guys. And if a guy was critical of me, I used to feel crushed but now I’m just nonchalant–like–yeah–that is how I am and you?. Sometimes those feelings come back to me even now but I just focus on my own efforts for improvement and forget about the rest. It is what it is.
For insecure feelings or other troubles–my most effective method is writing in a journal/diary. It feels better than asking a guy to hug me etc.
Whenever I have asked a guy to make me feel better like this, I have only ended up feeling worse because it felt so mechanical when he did it because I asked him to. So I don’t do that anymore. I just feel what I have to feel and then deal with it. If he asks me what’s wrong I express my feelings and just leave it at that. I never hide or lie. I also don’t try to DO anything about it–like apologize for my feelings or assure him I’m not like this everyday. If I get a hug, that’s great, if not–I have my journal.
You are right about being a wet blanket. No one likes that and it applies to both men and women. We are all responsible for ourselves, while showing compassion to others too.
But if a guy isn’t understanding about my upsets he can just go. I am too bored being upset everyday anyway but mostly because I cannot live with myself like that. More and more, I just want to enjoy every moment. It really isn’t worth wasting your tears.
I used to sometimes hide my weaknesses but now feel totally comfortable admitting them. I don’t care about how people react. It feels honest and good and cathartic and I know we are all human after all so I don’t care much about judgmental people anymore. They have a right to their opinion, anyway. I’m so “whatever” about all these things now.
I get your point about working on bad feelings like jealousy etc. but I tend to stay away from guys who make my feel jealous–rational or irrational–or generally arouse bad feelings. It is easier and causes less drama.
And I also think that guys who worry that I will be insecure forever just because I cried once aren’t worth it either. I think they can see it on their own that I am generally fun/positive most of the time.
I don’t think flaws are such a big deal. Everyone has them. It matters what kind of flaws you have, though. Narcissism, cruelty, murderous rage–no thank you.
Thanks so much for sharing this response. It’s so empowering when you let all that pent up energy go – you’re suddenly free to spend your time and focus on things that contribute to your growth and happiness, instead of pointlessly obsessing over flaws and how others perceive you. Thanks for the reminder.
Awesome article Stephen and so timely! When this time rolls around and the dreaded “V” day is close upon us, our weaknesses seemed magnified. We start doubting ourselves and exaggerating these weakness ( and the delightful deep freeze and gloom doesn’t help matters :( ). You start comparing yourself to other women in weak moments and try to figure out what you don’t have or try to over compensate because of these weaknesses. If you aren’t satisfied with yourself, why would anyone want to invest time in you!
Being able to own your flaws and address them if possible and showing another individual your imperfections can be terrifying. So much easier to hide behind the capable, independent self than to allow someone to see you are human. But in reality, would we not want someone to love us “warts and all”!
Thanks Steve for this article – was a good reality check for me! Time for some reflection!
Thank you Shev – sounds like this article arrived at the perfect time. Appreciate the lovely comment. ;)
Thank you so much Stephen for writing this post! I enjoyed reading it. Your writing is both eloquent and informative. Also very relevant for me. Love the light you shed on the male psyche for those of us who may not be able to understand it as clearly :) Thank you again!
Thank you Amber! Really glad you enjoyed reading it. x
Really happy you did. Thanks anon! x
Loved the article Stephen, amazing as usual. You guys never seize to impress us:) Keep up the great work, looking forward for more.
It is always so inspiring to read your articles, Steve, I can’t wait to read them every single week.
I’ve come to a point where I am trying to deal with everything you and Matt show us, and I feel more confident than ever, that it’s actually very unusual in me.
The thing is I met a guy on Tinder, since the very beginning he would seem really interesting in talking to me, meeting, telling me things about his life… and I was pretty reluctant because he didn’s attract me that much.
Eventually, I ended up meeting up because he looked nice and it was very surprising to discover that he was handsome in person, with similar hobbies, similar way of thinking… we really connected on that day like we’d met before.
The day after, he asked me to go with him to another city (2h by car) because he needed to take some pictures for work, and there we could meet a few friends of his from uni.
The day was incredibly good. We met his friends and some friends of mine who are living in the same city, we were really comfortable with each other, he wouldn’t stop looking at me…even he held my hand all the time while walking!
But that day when saying goodbye things got a bit hot but nothing happened because we were in his car in the middle of the street.
So the day after he didn’t talk to me that much but we talked about that we were really turned on and from that moment on we didn’t talk too much during that week and whenever we talked, the conversation ended up being sexual or with sexual connotations.
So I don’t really know what’s going on… I feel he’s blowing hot and cold too much, and I try to not take it serious and just go with the flow and do what I fancy doing at each moment, but he is not really struggling to see me and just making comments of taking my clothes off and things like that.
How can a person change so much from day to night?
I might have dated a similar guy, and you seem a lot like me in that we’re both fairly relaxed women who like to “go with the flow”. The notoreity of Tinder aside, your guy might have mistaken your DFA (down for anything, aka chill attitude) as DTF (down to ****). And so when you kissed him he probably thought, “Great, I have this hot chill girl into me and now I have an easy lay”. Now, you come off as someone who wants a relationship, not just casual sex. Your best bet is to talk to him (by phone or in person, not text) and steer the conversation away from sexual inuendo and to your desire to get to know him and relate to him on an emotional level. Let him know the sex can/will come later, but you’re not into the casual dating scene.
Now, he’ll either run for hills or consider entering into a proper relationship with you. If he runs, let him. He might be hot to you now, but being disrespected has a way of making a person look ugly and you deserve to have a relationship that meets all your needs–physical and emotional. If he stays, you can still keep the sexual tension, but make him work for it. Nothing worth having is ever easy to get. ;)
Omg I had the same thing, where the guy was so interested to meet me and he was so keen on the fact that we would get along. At first I didn’t pay any attention but then later on we had similar interests and his family works in the same profession as I do, of which he can tell I was very passionate of my career job.
However, whilst we were arranging a place to meet I was always flexible to show him that I am understandable and can use my travel card as I don’t mind where we go, as meeting him is more important and I could meet him for coffee for all I care.
He arranged to see me for drinks but there was a joke where he said my place is convenient and I responded no and he said that he is not like that and I said sure but then he suggested after the date. Now I wasn’t clearly sure of this but after we met… he greeted me well, kissed me on the cheek and hugged me… but later on I felt uncomfortable because the questions he asked were like a form of interrogation. When was the last time I was single and had a relationship.. ?I said never cause I didn’t know a relationship also meant seeing someone but then he thought I was a weirdo and kept bringing it up but I explained that I hardly saw anyone due to my course and job but I have been on dates and the longest time I’ve seen someone was 3-4 months and the last person on a date was in December and he told me out of the blue that it was strange that I wasn’t dating actively but his toxic relationship ended in December. He kept telling me that he was a very picky person. He even made a comment after 2 drinks, I told him I haven’t eaten so I’ll just stop here and told me if he knew I wasn’t going to drink a lot he wouldn’t have parked the car! I was in shock. I didn’t know what his motives were but regardless of the amounts, it shouldn’t have affected his quantity. My guy friends told me that’s so disrespectful and I remained so nice. I felt so embarrassed and that I paid for the second round to show that I am not a person there for a fling and he even made an excuse to leave earlier when we were going to practically go to other bars here and there on that evening-night.
When he left me at the station he was like are you ready, I said yes and then he just looked at me as if I was a joke and that was it… I just walked off after that. I can not believe he made me feel like trash when I was actually being myself and expected that it could have lead somewhere.
Take care, Steve
I really enjoy with your words!
Last year when Matt mentioned you would start writing weekly articles I knew they would be great.
A cursory google search on any topic you have written about throws up thousands of articles, & its not that often you find an entirely good article-there’s always at least that 1 questionable comment.
Your articles on the other hand have been in a league of their own. Your articles are intelligent, concise and provide much food for thought (exactly like Matt’s videos).
I haven’t commented before because all the other responses pretty much summed up what I wanted to say, but after reading this article I felt like writing a comment.
I feel you spoke about such an important topic with such ease. In this self-obsessed world that we live in, its an apt topic.
You mentioned ‘ The truth is, if he’s with you, chances are he loves every inch of your skin exactly as it is and wonders why you’re fussing about it in the first place.’ … I honestly have a hard time believing this. It’s hard to imagine a guy or girl wouldn’t be put off by an unsightly scar for example. I have keloids from getting vaccinated & the idea of anyone seeing them is terrifying. I have a hard time reconciling in my head that if a guy was to see them he would ‘love that inch of skin’. The upside to it though is that if I see someone else’s physical imperfection i don’t find it a turn off, I find it humbling and much easier to feel comfortable with myself.
Also, you mentioned ‘He doesn’t care that you want to improve your looks’. I don’t think that’s the case actually. I think both sides appreciate when the other person puts in the effort to look their best (by that I don’t mean resorting to plastic surgery or anything extreme like that. It could be something as small as wearing a particular colour that suits you more often and that your partner finds more attractive on you.)
I hope you can shed some light on these 2 points :)
Thank you so much for these weekly doses of goodness Stephen.
You and Matt have literally thrown the lid of the mysterious pot of the male psyche haha ;)
Keep up the good work,
I would recommend you to watch the movie Frida. There is a scene in which the excessive scaring on her body is touched and caressed with so much love that it will change your mind.:)
WOW That Is So Cool And Inspiring Than You For Sharing That Maria. Expressed So Poetically And Beautifully :)
For what it’s worth, I can offer you an example from my own personal life in which I disregarded a physical imperfection. My partner has a large scar that runs along the side of his abdomen. It is brownish with dark dots, impossible to miss, and quite peculiar to look at. I didn’t know what it was at first and didn’t ask. Later I found out he’s prone to shingles flareups, and that the scar was a remnant of a prior manifestation of it. I didn’t care a bit about the aesthetics of it at all, and even if he got three more like them I wouldn’t care. I worry more about the pain he goes through when he has a shingles flareup and I try to do everything I can to help him through it. Because of this, I do believe that it’s possible to disregard our partner’s physical imperfections.
Thank you so much for this article Stephen. I so badly needed to hear this. It’s like you are in my current relationship. This is going to help so much! You are awesome!
Lately I find in my relationships (not just romantic) that I constantly test people by indulging in my weaknesses. I want to see if they can handle the truth, so to speak. But I’m finding it exhausting. And the wonderful trustworthy people who could be in my life are exhausted too having to prove they are going to be good to me. I think I just have to accept that there is risk of my disappointing other people and then being rejected – no need to hurry the process along in order to feel in control!
All-Time POPULAR Posts