(Photo: Brad Fults)
Do you have to be perfect to be a high-value woman?
I can see why you might think so.
On paper, the traits of a high-value woman seem like an intimidating list: Be certain, be independent, show integrity, be sexy, be feminine, be playful, and enjoy watching the occasional Marvel comic-book movie.
Tall order, right?
You might wonder if a woman is allowed to have any weaknesses at all.
Is one chink in your otherwise formidable armour going to cause you to blow it with a guy? Will your boyfriend spot one personality flaw and conclude instantly that you must not be “The One” and start to lose interest in you as a partner?
Today I want to look at what counts as a weakness, how to own your minor flaws without letting them hold you back, and how to allow yourself to be vulnerable and show weakness in front of your guy in a way that won’t turn him off:
1. Don’t confuse blemishes with weaknesses
Your hair isn’t as full and shiny as you’d like it to be?
Your teeth aren’t as straight and white as the fashion models in magazines?
Your big toe is slightly crooked and stubbier than a cocktail sausage?
These aren’t weaknesses, these are blemishes.
And if you keep reminding a guy of these tiny body anxieties, it’s going to wear thin quickly. Excessive focus on your physical worries will also distract you from more important parts of the relationship (like having incredible sex, or swimming naked in the sea together).
Bottom Line: He’s not going to care about your tiny imperfections.
These just aren’t worth talking about. If you harp on about them to excess, he’ll just wonder: “Why is she so concerned about this? I didn’t even notice it.”
There is communicating a weakness, and then there is moaning about a minor imperfection. Make sure you know the difference.
And remember: Every guy has a ton of these anxieties he freaks out about too: his skinny arms, his penis size, his receding hairline, his body hair (too much or too little), his pudgy stomach, his shortness, his awkward third nipple, his nose hair…things you’re probably not even concerned about!
So relax, we all have them.
2. Stop faking perfection
If you’re ever going to feel confident about your weaknesses, you first have to accept their existence.
This means giving up your fantasy of having a flawless personality.
Too many people assume being a strong person means denying that there are things they struggle with.
They try so hard to be untouchable, to smooth over every possible vulnerability, that they lose the essential charm that makes them adorable and human in the first place.
You’ll see this trait in women who pretend to be over-the-top happy all the time, who arrogantly assert their ability to take on everything, or who pretend to have achieved more than they actually have. All with the intention of showing what a ‘strong and confident’ person they really are.
But faking perfection is the opposite of strength.
What is truly attractive is a woman who is aware of her character flaws, but knows how incredible she is anyway.
The sooner you become self-aware, the sooner you can let go of trying to be perfect all the time and just own your weaknesses, instead of spending your time and energy denying they exist.
3. Make your flaws seem like no big deal
If you must talk about your physical imperfections, do it in a way that says these things are not a big deal to you.
When you act as if your flaws are life-crushing, upsetting, deeply troubling problems, your guy is going to wonder whether he could have an easier time with someone happier.
Guys aren’t scared of imperfect women. They are scared of unhappy women. Men are terrified of being with someone who needs to be carried through life, the girl he thinks will never be satisfied.
So if you tell him you have some weird phobia, or you feel insecure about your skin, or you don’t like the shape of your nose, tell him it in a way that shows your happiness doesn’t depend on it.
Bring up your imperfection casually.
For example, you might say: “I’m going to see a dermatologist about my skin next week. I’ve had bad skin since I was a teenager and want to see if they can prescribe anything for it.”
Say this in an offhand way, as though it’s just something you’ve scheduled without much thought.
He doesn’t care that you want to improve your looks or fix some perceived flaw. But he’ll feel happier knowing that you don’t treat it as a big deal.
If you show him your perceived flaws don’t affect you, then they won’t affect him either. He doesn’t really care about the flaw. He cares how you feel about it.
The truth is, if he’s with you, chances are he loves every inch of your skin exactly as it is and wonders why you’re fussing about it in the first place.
4. Show that you are working on your weaknesses
Everyone’s weaknesses are different.
Some are physical, some are emotional, some are based on us feeling like we lack some essential skill or ability that would make us feel more confident.
The important thing is not to make your weakness look like helplessness.
If you show you are taking action towards dealing with your weaknesses, they lose their power over you, and you seem more attractive for being the kind of person who is able to take care of herself.
For example, on a date, you can talk about weaknesses in a cute way. You might say: “I’ve been asked to speak at my sister’s wedding and I’m awful at giving speeches. I’m petrified. I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’ve started doing these public speaking classes to get myself prepared. I know I’ll be ready on the day, and I’ve just about learnt the speech, but it’s still so daunting right now!”
See here how you can express a lack of confidence but still come across as positive and in charge of the situation?
You are showing a weakness, but you’ve also shown that (a) you’re doing something about it, and (b) you are not crumbling in the face of fear.
Now you’ve shown him that you’re the kind of person who doesn’t let a weakness hold you back, which is 10 times more confident than avoiding things you’re afraid of.
Bottom Line: You can turn any weakness into a strength if you show you are not going to let it defeat you.
5. Make him feel good for being able to take care of you
So far I’ve talked about how you feel about your weaknesses in general.
But what if it’s not about a specific weakness? What if you just happen to feel weak on a particular day and need to be vulnerable for a while with your guy?
Maybe you’re not feeling at your best, you’ve had a horrible day at work, and you just need to feel like your guy has your back.
This is easy.
Just communicate your weakness in a way that also makes your man feel needed and loved.
Give him a big kiss, wrap your arms around his shoulders, and say: “I’ve had such a tough time these past few days. I really need you to comfort me and make me feel loved tonight. Getting these job rejections has made me feel so insecure. I just need to be in your arms right now”.
Now your guy feels like he gets to take care of you. He feels like you need him, instead of him feeling like you’re just venting your insecurity.
6. Be insecure for ONE day a week, rather than seven
No guy wants to be with a weak and vulnerable woman seven days a week.
Most boyfriends have no desire to turn into your father, or your permanent counselor whose job is to guide you through all your problems, listen to you vent on a daily basis, and constantly soothe you out of your bad moods.
Too much of this becomes exhausting and makes a guy resent the burden of the relationship.
The best thing to do in those moments when you’re feeling weak, insecure, or vulnerable, is to remind him that you’re only feeling this today.
A guy doesn’t mind you being insecure for a night. He doesn’t mind cradling you in his arms, stroking your hair and telling you everything will be ok if it happens once a fortnight.
What makes a guy pull away is if he thinks he’s going to face this insecure version of you every single day.
So when you feel upset or weak at any moment, you can reassure him: “I’ll be fine tomorrow. I know it’s silly – I just really need to feel loved and cared for by you tonight. Can you just cuddle me and tell me it’s all ok?”
This makes him understand that this is just how you’re feeling in the moment, instead of it becoming the theme of your relationship.
7. Be self-aware when your weaknesses get the better of you
What about if you suffer from a weakness of personality and it has a tendency to ruin your good time?
For example, take jealousy.
Jealous behaviour is natural and human, but some of us are more irrationally jealous than others.
If you know you’re the irrationally jealous type but just can’t help it, the best thing you can do is show him that you’re aware of your irrational behaviour.
Suppose you’re out with your guy, you see him casually chatting with a girl, laughing at her jokes, and it makes you angry. You feel in a bad mood with him for the rest of the night; and he’s at a loss as to why you’re so being so short with him.
Later you tell him about your jealous feelings and how it upset you.
This is the kind of thing that can lead to a big argument and lots of resentment.
But what if you showed in that moment that you were aware that your jealousy was unfair?
What if you just said: “Look, I know it’s ridiculous of me to have gotten so jealous just because you were talking to that girl. I know you were just being nice. I love you and I want you to be free to talk to people and not feel worried about how I’m going to react. I’m sorry – I don’t want to be a jealous person. It’s something I’m working on”.
If you say that, he’s going to instantly feel that he gets where you’re coming from.
Even if he disapproves of your behaviour, you’ve now shown him love and shown that you’re aware of your own weakness, which makes him feel safer for knowing that you know it’s not an ok thing to do.
Of course, the ideal scenario is for you to not get mad in the first place, wait until later on, and calmly tell your guy about your jealous feelings (again, in a way that isn’t overly emotional).
But at least now you have a plan for those times when you drop the ball and don’t live up to your best standards ;)
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At the risk of rounding off with a cliché here, your flaws are what make you who you are.
When someone falls in love with you, your blemishes and imperfections are usually part of the package that make you perfect in his mind.
A high-value woman doesn’t hide her weaknesses. She shows that she is either: (a) comfortable with them, or (b) working on them. If a guy sees either of these, you are high-value in his eyes.
Guys don’t need to be hidden from your weaknesses. The truth is, when you’re desirable, sexy, and interesting, he won’t care about the odd bad mood, the strange phobia, or your minor physical imperfections.
It doesn’t mean you stop working on yourself: that’s a life-long project that’s important whether you are in a relationship or not.
But learn to make peace with your flaws. The only unforgivable weakness the one you allow to take over your life.
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