Microdosing.
It’s when you like someone, and want more with them, but they’ve shown you (through their actions or their words) that they are not willing to give you more. They don’t want a relationship with you.
And yet, here you are, continuing to text them, speak to them on the phone, see them in person, and hook up with them.
If you can relate to this, watching this video is literally the most important thing you can do right now.
Go for the Happiness You Deserve.
Subscribe and Leave a Comment Below…
I want to talk about a familiar story. You like someone. You’ve spent some time with them. Maybe you’ve been on a few dates. Maybe they were even someone you had a relationship with. But this person essentially tells you on some level that they’re not ready for something more. They don’t want a relationship with you. Now, if you also don’t want something more, but you’re enjoying spending time with them and you’re just enjoying it for what it is, that’s one thing. But if deep down you want something more with someone who has confirmed that they are not ready or don’t want something more with you, continuing to see that person, to text that person, to make love to that person, or to give that person your attention in any way is a form of microdosing, and microdosing in this context can be lethal.
There are more dangers than the obvious dangers of microdosing. The obvious danger is that this is leaving me unsatisfied, unrewarded, ultimately unfulfilled, it’s not a nourishing form of investment, and every time that person leaves my life again, every time it goes cold again, I feel the sense of hangover. This is now painful. The only way out of that hangover is to get my fix again, right? The next time they text me, I get this Pavlovian rush of dopamine that I connect to that person’s name. I mean, we all know that feeling. There’s a certain person that when their name comes up on our phone, we immediately get this surge, this chemical rush, and in that moment we go, “Oh, my God.” It’s like you’re a junkie. In that moment you go, “Oh, my God, it feels so much better now.” That is so dangerous, but that’s only the obvious danger. The not-so-obvious danger is this, that when someone is occupying emotional and psychological focus in our life – even if they’re not a physical presence in our life, that’s not taking up a huge amount of space in our week – if they are an emotional presence in our life, then we never get the emotional distance from that person that’s necessary to meet someone new. Now, even though that person isn’t with us in our day, isn’t with us in our life, we can be in a coffee shop, there can be all these people around us, but we don’t look up at those people, we look down at our phone waiting for that next text, waiting for our fix.
You may be saying to yourself, “Yeah, but Matt, I don’t know that there’s anyone else out there for me. There might not be a happy ending around the corner.” That might be true. You might decide to cut off this person completely, and go explore, and not find anything, but at least it’s a question mark. That person who has told you they don’t want any more with you is a period. In other words, they have hit period on this situation and said, “I don’t want more.” Everyone else out there in the world is a question mark. Leave the period, start exploring the question marks.
Don’t lie to yourself about microdosing on a person being harmless to you. It is not harmless in terms of your time, your emotional energy, and your psychological wellbeing. It can be lethal. You don’t want a drug. You want happiness. So start going for happiness.
Oh crap, that’s me.
I’m not going to say how long I’ve been doing this, because it’s embarrassing.
And you’re right, it is like a drug. You convince yourself you can move on, and then there’s just one more conversation; just one more meeting etc.
But just like giving up chocolate (something else I have never managed to do) I’m not entirely sure how to stop doing this.
Hi Matt,
I didn’t realise there was actually a name for it until now! I find your videos so eye-opening and they have really helped me start to address some of the unhealthy ways I approach relationships. Thank-you. I did know it was unhealthy, making me unhappy and stopping me from being open to meeting anyone else which I why I don’t communicate with that person anymore. This person is still taking up emotional space though and there are some days when I just don’t know how to move past it, any advice? I really want to be open to meeting someone else but just can’t seem to get there.
Kate x
This might be me but I’m not sure. I’ve known this man for 8 years and I actually love him. 8 years ago when I met him we dated for awhile then he ghosted and we lost contact. Eventually he came back and got back together. So this guy actually worked in my office but not same department. We dated for awhile again but no commitment to each other. Then he he ghosted again and I learn he got back with his ex he claimed he was over. And I’d see him around work sometimes and talking to other females and still me sometime. Then he left and got a new job at a new company and I didn’t see him for a couple years. I went full no contact. But what happened was he came over my place and we got back in contact. I was hesitant getting back together again but it happened. And now I found him on other dating sites so now I’m not sure if I should just ask him if he wants a relationship with me or another person b
I purposely didn’t watch this for a couple of days because I was afraid it would hit home. It did, and it’s a very hard pill to swallow.
Ugh…what a good dose of reality right here. So much truth. I know bc I was stuck in that place with someone for so long. His words said he wanted more, but his actions never did. Thankfully, I am finally climbing my way out of the mess it all left me in.
But I wonder if I can convince him to change his mind.
Denise I cried, for you, with you & also for myself, when I read your post. I’ve been single for 3 years and haven’t as much as had a date in this time, my choice. I’m participating in what only can be described as a long distance sexting relationship with a guy I’ve never even met! Ever. This has been going on for 2 years now and I’ve convinced myself I’m happy with it. Sadly, for the most part I am. Matthew hit the nail on the head in describing these microdosing behaviours, as a drug. Without them things feels empty, with them life seems better somewhat. I don’t know how I ended up here. Like you, I’m an independent, strong & very attractive woman & I know I have so much to offer! Also like you I’m older, 44, and should really know better so I don’t know how or why I’ve ended up here. Or how to stop, or if I even want to… Even though it appears to be working, it isn’t healthy it’s harmful and I feel ashamed to admit my behaviour to anyone but my closest friends. I’m so sorry for your pain but also if I’m honest a little relieved to hear that I’m not alone. That there are other grown women out there caught in the same trap. Denise, I wish you peace & happiness and also the same for myself xxx
This was my relationship!!! We had a huge age difference but we still continue told each other and others we were both helping each other with are healing from our last relationship with others. Than it got deeper 3 months later and had the talk and was told it could never work because of the age difference but things were so good and I continue for another 3 months and than broke it with him till we started back up again and this went on for a total of a year and half we were in a relationship did everything you do when your in a relationship I was even very close to his parents and family! Than one day he said his family and friends said you need someone more your age well he looked for that with out me knowing I got a feeling and I ended up finding out he was on a dating apt and saying he was going out with his guy friends but it was dated but still kept me around because he couldn’t find someone and I wash crushed so heart broken but deep down he told me we can’t be a couple! But we did everything a couple dose! I ended it but to this day I’m still hurting over him and can’t believe I stayed with him as long as I did after him telling me on many occasions we r not a couple!!! This is exactly what your talking about!!!!!!!! I will never do this again if anothe man says this to me in the beginning I’m out!!!! Thank you so much for your videos and your advice! Andrea
When I read the email I was like Microdosong what the heck is that well OMG I’m balling my eyes out right now. Your video just described, verbatim, what my life has been for so many months now. I’m so, so, so emotionally unhappy but I still keep going back staying overnight one night each weekend and having sex with him, giving of myself a whole lot to him. I haven’t been out in well over a year. I don’t talk to any of my friends. The social life that I built, after separating from my 2nd husband in 2016, I’ve abandoned all because that’s what this man wanted. I’m so emotionally involved and have no idea how I got to this point. I’m 49 years old and have been married twice. I met my 1st husband when I was 16 with him being 6 years my elder. We married when I was 18, my son was born when I was 19 and we were divorced just before my 27th birthday. I met my 2nd husband a little over two years later. We were together about 18 years.
I have never had anyone be able to control me the way this guy has. He’s a master manipulator. He is emotionally abusive and a sexual narcissist. He uses sex, which he is oh so good at, to control and mentally abuse woman this stroking his ego. He needs to feel superior to others and I’ve seen this by how he will talk about people he works with amongst other situations I’ve seen him portray this behavior. I know all this why why why can’t I stay away.
Just like you said in the video, constantly looking at my phone to see if he’s messaged me and sad, to the point that I’m crying and will basically lock myself in my room and won’t talk to anyone, when he hasn’t, but when he finally does or FINALLY responds to my text It’s like this elephant has been lifted off of me, I’m on cloud nine. He is like a drug I should leave alone but I can’t I want more. I’ve actually said this to him more than once, which is only giving him what he needs to feel good about himself, it’s feeding his ego.
He has said that he doesn’t want a serious relationship with because I’m a spoiled brat who when doesn’t get my way I have no problem trying to destroy his life. This is his way of deflecting the situation off of him and onto me. He won’t answer any questions or discuss how some of the things he has done have made me feel belittled, blatantly disrespected and emotionally crushed. For example, I’ve found panties in his bedroom and living room in the past, I say to him holding these panties in my hand, who the hell are these and you’re not f***ing anyone else, that’s bs you’re a liar. He’s Typical response I’m not discussing this, I’m not arguing with you. He’s even said to me I haven’t done anything wrong, I don’t know where those came from or how they got there. WTAF are you kidding me this is your house and only you live here these where in the couch or these were on your bedroom floor.
I have felt like I’m literally loosing my mind dealing with this man, second guessing myself, don’t know if I coming or going and apologizing. It’s insane. And still I want to see him, I want to touch him, I want him to touch me even though I know in my gut he’s had someone else at his house he’s been spending time with. The time I desire with him and he won’t give me, until I get really pissed and start either giving him the silent treatment somewhat or saying I’m not gona see him anymore. Then he will give me the attention that I crave, and he’s so good at it, and then Out Of the blue he will start being a jerk and nasty to me tell me to leave and then he puts me on silent treatment. It’s really a mentally unhealthy relationship for me and I need to make myself stay away from him. I feel so disgusted with myself sometimes. This has been an emotional roller coaster and I’m beat down and exhausted.
Thank you for the video. Cindy
Truer words cannot be spoken. Broke up with ex 6 months ago…i’m ready (always have been) for a new ‘us’…but he is not. We see each other every week – chat every day, but he is just not willing to commit – he say’s he is not sure. (after 6 months he is still not sure, what even?). I have tried so many times to cut off all communication, but – every time i come back for my fix, (knowing he will always respond to my requests – that i need to see him etc). He never initiates…always only me. It’s difficult to break off completely, (believe me), but i know my worth. I have been unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unrewarded now for so long. I need to stop at the period (.) that is right in front of me..and look at all the yummy questions marks (?) out there. Thank-you for your video Matt… It’s once again confirmation of what needs to be done. MOVE forward…move forward!!
Thanks this has touched my life took some time to get out of it.
The why am I here talk to my self.
Happiness
How handle being in love with a friend, someone you see almost 3-5 times a week, you share same interest, same friends. He do call you, text you, invite you out to do things….and he have also made it clear; “I love you, I’m not in love with you”
When I’m sick he calls and wonder if i need something from the store
we have great time together, since same hobbies, same humour. We think about the same things at the same time. He ask me for help/feedback/advice about everything in his life – and I do the same with him.
I just want my longing for him to go away…so I can just enjoy hanging out with a very close and dear friend
I feel a bit relieved..though am not sure how I get out of this situation
nice guy
hello sorry for the late reply mr.hussay
so do i quite my job in order to break the habit of him? do I abandon the relationship with a 5 yo that i am very close to? He gets upset when I dont hang out or do things with him stating that he is loosing his best friend. I dont want to walk away, but i can not feel like this any more.