Today I want to converse with you about conversing.
I want to talk about better ways of giving value in conversation than going in and asking mundane questions.
The story I began this video with has been a beautiful way of starting conversations for me this past week.
(Please excuse the awful American accent. It’s the best I had in me today.)
The way I began is how you can begin conversations this week. Rather than beginning with small talk, jump straight into a story and start talking about theories you have of things.
When someone asks, “how are you?” this is a great time to lead into a story instead of a logical answer to a question.
When I’ve been introduced to a group of people at a party for instance, I’ve been able to go in and say, “Hey guys, you’ve got to settle this for me. Is this normal?…”
The truth is, the world is made up of really sh*tty conversationalists.
When we go into conversation, too many people sit back waiting for the other people they’re with to lead in being a good conversationalist.
Rather than thinking you have to fall back on a generic set of topics and questions, forget all of that.
Instead, apply these three steps…
1) Get out of your head
Don’t be inside your own head thinking too much. You want to be expressing opinions and talking about the things going on around you.
2) Pay attention
Pay attention to what’s happening around you.
–What clothes are people wearing? Is there a pattern to what people are doing? Is it quiet? Is it loud? Is there anything weird happening?
3) Have opinions
Opinions give other people license to talk and are a great way to evoke responses from other people. Have opinions of things going on around you. They also help get people out of their heads.
Question of the day: Can you remember a great way someone started a conversation with you? What did they do/say?
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To learn more about conversation and how to steer things forward to a place of building chemistry and attraction with a guy, check out my online home study course The Man Myth.
:) oh you poor man, I wouldn’t have given my phone to anyone random unless it was in an emergency. Hahaha! I’m mean I guess, i would have told him that this isn’t a free public telephone booth.. :p surprising the Gf even bothered to take that call from an unknown number lol! The worlds filled with all sorts.. :D
Very few people can make and hold interesting conversations.. My question to you is how would u start an interesting conversation with your ” maybe” futur in laws ??
I have to be honest I didn’t listen to the whole thing but I have been in situations like that before and I just simply say “Hey I’ve gotta go give me my phone” If that doesn’t work I just give them the death look and they immediately hand it over. I seem to have a way of making faces that lets others know I mean business.
On another note I had to add the other day I was on my way to Sony Studios and I was at the light right there by In-N-Out and I see a guy holding a sign that said FOOD so I immediately thought “Oh I have this orange that I’m going to eat later but instead I’m going to give it to him” I roll down my window hand it to him he says thanks TURNS around and throws it the length of an American football field…Serious that far!! Needless to say I had a few choice words then drove on reminding myself that karma is a B!+(h and hopefully someone who really needed food was at the other end. I know that was insanely random but I had to throw that in considering it happened in LA. I guess that was my official welcome. Oh I almost forgot I told him he was an ass and he blew me a kiss. What is this world coming to?
Anyway I hope someone got something out of that
You are right, being a great conversationalist is about getting out of your head. It is only then you can add value rather than reeling off lists of things. I think your personality and sense of humour come into play then.
That story is great because it is so funny and you are sending yourself up a bit. But you do that a lot, it is very endearing and one of the reasons we love you so much.
I was flicking through the channels last night and ended up watching the film ‘Somethings Gotta Give’ Their interactions interested them only when they became emotive rather than list off the things they had looked up on the Internet!
Such a funny film.
Kathryn xx
In the film he also alludes to her uniqueness and it is not until she embraces her uniqueness that they can fall in love. I am also very excited to see what you tell us about the ‘rare gemstone’ effect : ) x
Lol! Okay, a guy from the states already knows the reason the guy who borrowed his phone
said, “This guy in front of me…” is because he’s embarrassed to admit to his girlfriend that he’s borrowing someone’s phone because he doesn’t have one. A guy from the states will also know the guy who borrowed his phone didn’t ask for the ride because he realized his girlfriend is going to see right through the apology as a way to get a ride from her and she’ll be pissed. Not that the guy from the states would actually feel that sorry for another guy. He’d probably just be thinking, “What a prick” or “What a dipshit.” Outside of that and being irritated if he has to get to work or school, I doubt that he’d give it much more thought than that. A woman might think about it a bit more, because here’s this guy who obviously doesn’t have it together when it comes to women. Myself, I’d probably think it was kind of funny but be irritated at the same time. It would be an “Lol! Dude what the fuck was that!” sort of reaction.
By the way, your impression of a guy from the states is “spot on” and funny as hell!
I see what you’re doing here. :) You’re asking us what we think about this guy and opening up a conversation.
As for what I think about it, I’d either feel a bit annoyed or amused or maybe even astounded. Like, what? I don’t get it. Why would he tell me one thing and do another? But then I’d come up with several possible reasons that it may have occurred this way. He could have been under a lot of stress and changed his mind on what was important at that moment. Like he meant to call for a ride but having the opportunity to patch things up with his girlfriend proved far too tempting. Maybe he figured you wouldn’t have offered your phone had he told you the real reason. Or maybe he felt that the main reason would be too difficult to explain so he substituted it with a secondary concern he was having. Or his girlfriend was his intended ride but he knew she was upset and thought he’d need to apologize first.
Based on his comment, “There’s this guy in front of me.” as well as the context of the call, it sounds to me like he has a hard time communicating efficiently. So he might have felt pressured and didn’t know how else to address it.
Well, it could have been anything and I could probably go even deeper into this but I’d probably do what you did and then later on contemplate it.
The american accent is great, well done!
I was trying my best to get out of my head and express my opinion on things but some people are just not so intested in what you have to say and of you’re stupid remarks. They are one sided and thinks highly of themselves. Sometimes I’m in the wrong crowd so I just go by myself and keep my opinions to myself unless I’m being asked. Is it me or is it them?
hi Matt
this has come at exactly the right time! I’m working hard on your 3 months program, on the back of your London weekender. I’ve discovered my sticking point. I can do the conversation A’s and B’s just get stuck on the C’s, D’s and E’s! So this has given me a whole new angle to try. Thank you. Might even try it with the American accent aswell ;)
This video was the funniest one you’ve made. I’ve had several people ask to use my phone, but I always say no or just hold my phone with both hands and continue walking fast because some people put their hand out towards my phone. I only do this now because similar situation happened to me when they said “This girl in front of me is rushing me off the phone right now sooo yeah.” I lost my mind. Makes for a funny story later though.
At a bar the other night, I just slipped and put my hand on the bar and the guy next to me, which by the way was my target of the night, opened conversation with “There’s a line you know?” and smirked. Then I playfully responded with “Looks like you’re behind me now then.” Then we continued to talk from there. I usually hear “What are you drinking tonight?” or “Can I buy you a drink?” or “I like your outfit” or “I dig your eye make-up”, but his line was great because it gave me a chance to respond without replying with a yes or no or thank you answer.
Another one today in my work elevator was when a guy opened with “So there’s someone preaching on the corner. So how about that for your morning?” We ended up talking on the way to his cookie stop, which was on the way to my coffee stop.
Now, I want to be the one to open the conversations first, but when I open my mouth, the weirdest things come out and I end up laughing at myself.
Matthew, you wear the American accent well. It’s hot.
Matthew,
I think you are a genius at communicating healthy ways for all people to grow. BUT! You already told this story on an internet radio broadcast! lol! I just listened to it the other day.You used a different location as the location if I recall.;) I understand you want a “jumping off” point for your blogs, but talking as if it just happened makes you look like a liar…just sayin’
Still love you though! xo
Thanks Matt,
This is great advice: Be yourself and be interesting!!!
Matt, you know when you go to bed in a hotel room and they’ve made up the bed for you to get in and they put that little chocolate on the pillow? You know the one… you would never eat one at home but somehow that’s exactly what you feel like when you go to bed at a hotel. Weird, I know. Anyway… you’re like my little chocolate on the pillow when you come up with these little blogs – I SO enjoy them! They’re the best thing I could have before I go to bed (Minus the calories – double bonus!)
I’ve been following your blogs and other online videos (and yes, I bought the programme AND the book and I’ll probably buy anything you put in the market from now on) and my life has been SO much brighter and happier since I found you. Seriously.
Mr The One is not in my life yet but it’s only been a few weeks at MH school of love – so just give me a few more, ok? It’s oh so close! And I’ve been having so much fun with all your techniques! I love it! And I really do have you to thank for it. You’re already invited to my engagement party, wedding and birth of my first born. If you keep gracing me with your little bedtime chocolates, I might even have to give him Matthew as his middle name… but don’t get ahead of yourself just yet. (Mmm… in retrospect, who’s getting ahead? Anyway…)
So yeah… THANK YOU. You’re such a legend! And ps… make a little gap in your diary to visit us in Cape Town one day!
Mat, just curious,Do you find yourself over analyzing woman when you are on a date? If I was having a conversation with you, I would probably feel like being under microscope
Most of the time talking to people who are more experienced in life or more successful, they tend to be more PC, but they just cant help themselves…hard to see how the person really is
Hi Matthew,
Thank you for another wonderful (and extremely funny) video. By the way, your Classic American Stoner Douchebag accent was pretty spot on. The problem is, as you may have discovered, LA people are pretty rude. Especially around the Hollywood area where I live in that seems to exemplify rudeness with a close second in Beverly Hills and Silverlake, not counting tourists. (I’m a native Angeleno and still to this day think about moving to another city sometimes – and looking at your videos, we live in the same area, hey neighbor!) :D Trying to start a conversation either makes me crazy or I attract the crazies. Also there are a lot of men who go out of their way to berate a woman and I guess living in this city gets you jaded.
I sometimes feel I may be too aggressive or opinionated that is hurting my conversation starters. It’s not like I open my mouth and talk about religion or politics. I feel like having worked in the industry has made me sort of a hard-ass when it comes to chit-chat since I always hated that. Also, I have mild Aspergers which I’m not sure is getting in the way. Like I’m hyper-observant, guessing for making up from my lack of talking (socially), yet I will still say what I feel and “get out of my head” as you say.
Am I doing something wrong?
I’m also reading your book; it’s really great. I did try to setup a consultation but never got a call back.
Thanks again and keep up the great work!
Hi Matt,
Great video!! Loves it
Question: I am a francophone and sometimes, when I have a little, on the go, conversation with a guy, I start to forget what I was going to say. My mind starts going back to French. So as I stumble for my words, I say something like “Sorry, I am losing my english” or “I keep thinking in French”. I feel it is something cute, but I’ve only gotten about a 50% good response so far.
Am I right to think it’s cute and might start a conversation? Or is it a bad way to try to get a guy to empathize with me?
Not sure what to think.
If not Matt, anyone else has any opinion?
xx
Your funniest one yet!! was splitting my sides with laughter! Classic.. I work in a juice bar!!! ;)
I love this! I have conversations for a living (teach English to foreign students and a lot of them want to improve their speaking). But sometimes it’s hard to break down the shyness barrier and I also feel like I ask too many questions which can make them uncomfortable or self-conscious. This is really helpful and will make it more fun for them and me.
PS love the Californian accent but do you always carry around a land line phone…? (:
Thank you Matt, this was brilliant!
If you don’t already, please teach more guys out there to be better conversationalists for that first time they talk to a girl!
Would like to build the confidence to be the one to talk first but would be great if guys also felt confident about talking to girls in the natural way you show in this video…
Hi Matt,
I really liked this video on 3 steps to be a great conversationalist. Something I needed to hear. I’ve been told I’m always in my own head. I’ve also struggled with conversation with everyone from friends and family, worst of all when meeting guys. These 3 steps have made me seen the light ‘so to speak’ (pun intended hehehe!)
Thank you,
Priscille