Deal breakers, the invisible fence that we put around us in dating and relationships to keep out the losers, douchebags, and crazies. Eharmony recently asked its members what were their top “must have” and “can’t stands”. The results were not too surprising: lying, cheating, and rudeness topped the list of things that women absolutely would not put up with from a man. The top ten rounds out thusly:
Top 10 Can’t Stands For Women:
1. Lying
2. Cheating
3. Rudeness
4. Infidelity
5. Anger
6. Drugs
7. Poor Hygiene
8. Mean Spirited
9. Lazy
10. Racist
I think this is a great list of deal breakers when you’re looking for your next partner. I would even call this list a given, a fixed set that apply to everyone. Where many of us run into problems is the deal breakers that we have above and beyond the above list.
Throughout my years of working with women I have heard a long list of strange, outrageous and simply unrealistic deal breakers. Everything from he must love rabbits to he must want to visit Nepal. What do unrealistic deal breakers do to your love life? The most immediate and detrimental effect is that it narrows the funnel of men that you are bringing into your life. The second thing they do is that they play matchmaker for you and they do a bad job. Deal breakers tend to scream out, “I only want to date people just like me” which is fine in theory but doesn’t account for the reality that opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common.
I think most of us could deal with taking a good look at what we consider our deal breakers and ask ourselves, are these deal breakers or a wall to keep men out?
Question of the day:
Today I have an interesting question that I want you to think about for a minute before you answer. Are there any deal breakers you currently have that you can do without?
Leave a comment and share with me:
– One deal breaker you think must stay in your life, and…
– One ‘deal breaker’ that you are willing to let go of in order to let more men in.
Can’t wait to see your answers!
P.S. The level of interaction on the last blog was humbling. I love this community we’ve created and I’m so proud of the level of support we all give each other. Help me keep it going and take it to the next level! xx
By the way I know you’re probably excited about making changes in your love life this year. If you aren’t on it already, the Man Myth programme is the perfect way to start. Feel free to learn all about it here.
(via eHarmony)
For me I guess I have two additional non negotiable things…first is that he must be a Christian who is active in his faith and the other…someone who dreams big/is passionate about life…as for a dealbreaker I have that I could live without…I don’t think I have any unrealistic ones anymore.
Hi Jolene,
Thanks for commenting!
x
Hi,
Smoking and illicit drugs will always eliminate a certain sector of the dating pool for me. I’m very happy with this. What I can let go of? Age. I’ve always been with men younger than me. Now I’ve opened up to men my age or even slightly older. This has really made a difference in my success. I’m more confident in what I offer the relationship. This is a great & sexy thing.
Hi Grace,
Glad to hear that softening your deal breakers has led to success!
x
This is an excellent point, I see it happening all around me. We make the superficial things more important than the crucial things, and make bad relationship choices because of it.
Thing I can’t compromise: he has to be a critical/logical thinker.
Things I can deal with: not loving music and books as much as I do.
Hi Cynthia,
Thanks for sharing! I think you make a good compromise!
x
Lying is a big deal breaker for me.
When meeting via online dating many
post a younger age saying it is for
searching purposes only. I’ve been
told I should not consider that a lie
but I do. Please give me your feedback.
Thank you.
Hi Elle,
It does seem when it comes to age on dating sites everyone lies. Only you can determine if this is a deal breaker for you. Some people might be understanding because they’re fibbing about something too!
x
Well this couldn’t have come at a better time, Last night I ended things with my BF of one year, because he yet again lied to my face.. the lies are trivial… but he does it constantly and he even swore on his nieces life and my life that he was not lying then later admitted that he was. For me this is a) childish and b) sick and I felt after having told him that any more lies and I have to walk away, that I had no other choice last night. Worst thing is he had talked about getting help for the lying and swore he’s gone six weeks with no lies.. now I don’t even know whether to believe that was true! Lying creates so much pain as you wonder what is real, and means that you cannot allow the person too close to you and so it creates this brick wall…
Hi Angela,
Good for you! Thanks for commenting.
x
Honesty and openness are a crucial thing for me.
I guess I could live with the fact that he’s not Canadian
Hi Carine,
Maybe an American or a Brit? :-)
x
Hi there :)
In my last relationship, one of my unalterable deal breakers ended up breaking the two of us up. Disrespect. This manifested in a number of ways: I felt that this guy was disrespectful to himself in how he was letting himself go in terms of health and his manners and as well to my friends. He thought he was coming across funny, when he really was being racist or too friendly with my friends, and rude around my family. This disrespect for the people around me translated into disrespect towards me. I feel like I made the right decision ending things back in October. It’s been a roller-coaster, however, I know in my heart and in my head that it was the right choice.
A deal breaker that I could probably do away with is age. I think I’m coming around to the idea of dating someone a little younger than me and/or someone in a different age range than me! I’m 25, and for awhile I’ve been stuck on thinking I should date someone my age or only a few years older,…..but not in their 30’s. However, age is a number. It’s more about where you are in your life. I should work on becoming more flexible about this :)
Hi Lindsey,
Thanks for sharing! Changing your age deal breaker is sure to open your world up to a lot more men. Share with us how it goes.
x
Deal breaker is smoking, can’t stand it at all
I could overlook lazyness if I loved him enough
Hi Roya,
I have to agree with you on the smoking. Maybe that should fall under poor hygiene? Thanks for sharing!
x
Haha, poor hygiene -> smoking. You’re so funny Matt! Smoking/drug, it’s all the same to me. Also, I find a man who looks after his health really sexy and energising!
Lying lead to cheating then infidelity they are the same must stay
Anger lead to rudeness then Mean Spirited must stay
Lazy lead to Poor Hygiene must stay
Drugs must stay
Racist must stay
your question is tricky one all of them are important if i let them go it’s Insult to myself which will lead me to poor self esteem
Hi,
The top ten definitely all have to stay. Are there any other personal ones you have?
Thanks for commenting!
s
no, i am not a demanding person
Excellent list! I’ve been very open-minded in the past, believing people can change and love can cross borders of religion and race. But lately I’ve had to narrow that down, I just don’t have the energy anymore to date smokers or dirty/messy people that only add stress to my life. Neither do I want to be with sceptic or physically/verbally abusive people.
I thought education was another deal breaker, since it does reflect a lot of other things, but recently have found myself fallen in love with someone I didn’t want to nor expect. He doesn’t have the ideal education or lifestyle, but what I failed to see, because of that, is that he is a wonderful person and honestly doesn’t have any of the important deal breakers. And he still does show some interest in new things, cultures and is very hard working.
I feel I’ve been so blind and silly, and my message to other women is please try to keep an open mind and see the person behind, never say never unless it’s a real deal breaker that you know will hurt you later. xx
Hi Laura,
Never say ever is a good motto when it comes to dating. Loving all these comments!
x
the deal breaker
…that I currently have that I can do without: white lying
…that I think must stay in my life: having less experience / less education than me
…that I may ‘bend’ in order to let more men in: AGE !
so how can we navigate these deal breakers like experts ? Matthew, looking forward to your WOW (words of wisdom).
A deal breaker for me used to be if I wasn’t physically attracted to someone I’d write them off after date #1. With my ex though I realised that sometimes the physical attraction takes a few more dates to kick in (once I’ve got to know someone) so that is probably a deal breaker I can live without (at least until after a few dates anyway).
Hi Louise,
That’s a great one, chemistry isn’t always instantaneous. Thanks for sharing!
x
A dealbreaker for me would definitely be smoking. Wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone, knowing the harm they were doing to themselves. Another dealbreaker would have to be someone owning a cat or dog. It’s not that I’m an animal hater or anything like that. It’s just that I don’t think it’s hygienic having pets like this around the house.
Thanks for sharing! x
deal breaker a guy with untidy nails.
thanks for a good post :P
Thanks, Anna. And thanks for commenting!
x
All of the deal breakers listed at the top are just natural for me but I’m kind of drawing a blank on my own personal deal breakers… Is there something wrong with that?
Age!!! Since I stopped thinking about me being sixty nine I’ve been amazed at the number of much younger men who are attracted to me! My smiley face seems to work whatever their age and I’ve met the most amazing man ten years younger than me! I’m just going with it and living in the moment!
Hi Elaine,
That’s fantastic! Thanks for commenting. x
Age! Since I realised that lots of younger men found me attractive and accepted it I’ve had far more confidence! I’ve now met the most amazing man ten years younger than me, I’m sixty nine, and am just enjoying living in the moment. It’s all good! How all men love a positive attitude, unthreatening banter and a wide smile!
A deal breaker I won’t let go of: If he is infected with a contagious incurable disease: herpes, AIDS, hepatitis, etc. And if he is dong hard drugs, crack, heroin, smoking the blues, etc. It’s a big difference from a guy that smokes a little weed here and there, which I can put up with.
I’ve relaxed on the bald issue, shaved heads are fine now. I still require my men to have handsome faces and fit bodies.
a dealbreaker for me would be a stingy guy.I don’t like people who don’t want to spend money and who say that don’t buy this don’t buy that.It is expensive
One deal breaker that will stay in my life: He must have a good sense of humour! If I can’t laugh with him, and we can’t joke around with eachother, I don’t know what I’d do.
One deal breaker I’m willing to let go: That he have to agree with me on everything. I’ve realized that I like a little resistance, and when a guy can stand up for himself and his values.
Hi Josephine,
Agreed, humor is tops! Thanks for commenting. x